50 Warning Signs of Questionable Therapy and Counseling

Angled-up view of bright traffic light on grayscale streetThe items listed below are significant red flags and important information for anyone in therapy or considering therapy. If any of the following red flags appear during the course of your counseling, it may be time to reevaluate your counselor or therapist.

Should you recognize one of these red flags, the first step, in most cases, is to discuss your concern with your counselor. Try talking candidly about what’s bothering you. A good therapist should be open and willing to understand your concerns. If your counselor doesn’t take your concerns seriously or is unwilling to accept feedback, then it’s probably in your best interest to consult with another therapist about it. Most therapists mean well and are willing to take accountability for their own “stuff.” So, it’s also important to give your therapist the benefit of the doubt … all people make minor mistakes. And sometimes what people think is their therapist’s issue is actually their own. These “blind spots” can be the most difficult to see and are well worth talking about with your therapist.

It’s also important to note that the following red flags have varying degrees of significance. Some of them are very serious violations of ethical standards, such as a therapist attempting to have a sexual relationship with a client. There is no exception to this rule, and if you find yourself in such a situation, you are advised to report to the state professional licensing board and consult with other professionals. However, a number of the red flags listed below do have “exceptions to the rule” and depend partly on the context. For example, it’s generally unacceptable for therapists to have dual relationships with their clients. So if a counselor is treating the neighborhood barber for his or her depression, the counselor goes to a different barber to avoid confusing the “client-therapist” relationship. However, in small communities it can be impossible to avoid certain dual relationships. Ethical guidelines are flexible enough to take this, and some other exceptions, into account.

In no particular order, it is a red flag if you find your:

  1. Counselor does not have sufficient and specific training to address your issues and/or attempts to treat problems outside the scope of the practice.
  2. Therapist is not interested in the changes you want to make and your goals for therapy.
  3. Counselor cannot or does not clearly define how they can help you to solve whatever issue or concern has brought you to therapy.
  4. Therapist provides no explanation of how you will know when your therapy is complete.
  5. Counselor does not seek consultation with other therapists.
  6. Therapist makes guarantees and/or promises.
  7. Therapist has unresolved complaints filed with a licensing board.
  8. Therapist does not provide you with information about your rights as a client, confidentiality, office policies, and fees so you can fairly consent to your treatment. Note: The requirement for information provided to new clients by therapists differs by state and licensure requirements.
  9. Counselor is judgmental or critical of your behavior, lifestyle, or problems.
  10. Therapist “looks down” at you or treats you as inferior in subtle or not so subtle ways.
  11. Counselor blames your family, friends, or partner.
  12. Counselor encourages you to blame your family, friends, or partner.
  13. Therapist knowingly or unknowingly gets personal psychological needs met at the expense of focusing on you and your therapy.
  14. Counselor tries to be your friend.
  15. Therapist initiates touch (i.e., hugs) without consent.
  16. Counselor attempts to have a sexual or romantic relationship with you.
  17. Therapist talks excessively about personal issues and/or self-discloses often without any therapeutic purpose.
  18. Counselor tries to enlist your help with something not related to your therapy.
  19. Therapist discloses your identifying information without authorization or mandate.
  20. Counselor tells you the identities of other clients.
  21. Therapist discloses they have never done personal therapy work.
  22. Counselor cannot accept feedback or admit mistakes.
  23. Therapist focuses extensively on diagnosing without also helping you to change.
  24. Counselor talks too much.
  25. Therapist does not talk at all.
  26. Counselor often speaks in complex “psychobabble” that leaves you confused.
  27. Therapist focuses on thoughts and cognition at the exclusion of feelings and somatic experience.
  28. Counselor focuses on feelings and somatic experience at the exclusion of thoughts, insight, and cognitive processing.
  29. Therapist acts as if they have the answers or solutions to everything and spends time telling you how to best fix or change things.
  30. Counselor tells you what to do, makes decisions for you, or gives frequent unsolicited advice.
  31. Therapist encourages your dependency by allowing you to get your emotional needs met from the therapist. Therapist “feeds you fish, rather than helping you to fish for yourself.”
  32. Counselor tries to keep you in therapy against your will.
  33. Therapist believes that only the therapist’s counseling approach works and ridicules other approaches to therapy.
  34. Therapist is contentious with you or frequently confrontational.
  35. Counselor doesn’t remember your name and/or doesn’t remember your interactions from one session to the next.
  36. Therapist does not pay attention or appear to be listening and understanding you.
  37. Counselor answers the phone during your session.
  38. Therapist is not sensitive to your culture or religion.
  39. Counselor denies or ignores the importance of your spirituality.
  40. Therapist tries to push spirituality or religion on to you.
  41. Counselor does not empathize.
  42. Therapist empathizes too much.
  43. Counselor seems overwhelmed with your problems.
  44. Therapist seems overly emotional, affected, or triggered by your feelings or issues.
  45. Counselor pushes you into highly vulnerable feelings or memories against your wishes.
  46. Therapist avoids exploring any of your emotional or vulnerable feelings.
  47. Counselor does not ask your permission to use various psychotherapeutic techniques.
  48. Therapist tries to get you to exert overt control over your impulses, compulsions, or addictions without helping you to appreciate and resolve the underlying causes.
  49. Counselor prematurely and/or exclusively focuses on helping you to appreciate and resolve the underlying causes of an issue or compulsion when you would instead benefit more from learning coping skills to manage your impulses.
  50. Your counselor habitually misses, cancels, or shows up late to appointments.

If there are other warning signs or red flags you’d like to share, please leave a reply in the comments section below.

© Copyright 2008 by Noah Rubinstein. All Rights Reserved. Permission to publish granted to GoodTherapy.org.

The preceding article was solely written by the author named above. Any views and opinions expressed are not necessarily shared by GoodTherapy.org. Questions or concerns about the preceding article can be directed to the author or posted as a comment below.

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  • Augusta

    February 20th, 2008 at 11:38 AM

    This is a good, comprehensive list. Thanks for taking the time to write these down!

  • alisa

    September 27th, 2016 at 8:11 PM

    I have been using online therapy and at first loved my counselor. However, when I expressed some concerns over a few things – where I felt there were some miscommunications, or some reasons where she was “triggering” me (not her fault but I was trying to be honest), it was like she took it personal an then the ensuing week got cold and very different with me. Now she is telling me I’m unstable and need a second therapist? I’m very confused.

  • Marie

    May 28th, 2017 at 6:36 AM

    Alisa,
    a similar things happened to me with two male therapist -once “live therapy”, once online. Very confusing experience. Both were “psychoanalytically” orientated therapist. Both “loved me” at the beginning, they tried to attach me to themselves, they were “valuating me”. All was great. However I noticed that they were not fine with going into my feelings, my somatic experiences. I was started “not to act ” the way they wanted. I doubted things, I started to show that something was missing….they went cold the next session. I was told many nasty things about me: how I had a psychotic structure of my personality, how my life sucked..etc…it was all kind of sublte. In the live-therapy I made it 35 sessions (I wanted to make it through, I wanted to prove that I am a good patient, I care for my health). I was finally also verbally attacked for the way how I look like, I was told that I never did anything right in my life. Meantime I had an accident and started to suffer from PTSD. This therapist was even more after me. I had a coach that helped to get out. 1,5 year later online therapy, no therapy inbetween as I am afraid to live the same. It starts to get the same patterns: He tells me that he is the great one, the only one for me (but it is very subtle, it is not easily to recognise in words), he tells me that those who seek healing and truth stay in therapy, for a long time (suggesting I was the black sheep, steadily unhappy). He applies the method of ambivalence – I gave myself the time to write after every session (with my notes) how I felt: I must confess that it is almost the same model (like a cycle): 1/3 of sessions feels helpful, it is quite enough for me, I am fine, I am hopeful, I want to find someone to help me heal, I am looking forward the another session. Another 1/3 of sessions (mostly following on the great session) I feel “something is odd”. It is like “neutral”. The therapist got cold, he does not show compassion, he seems not remember what I said last session, he seems not interested in the therapy with me, in me, in the therapeutic (his) work at all. Then the bomb comes. Last session out of the 3 -session cycle: I am insecure, I am afraid to lose again a therapist and don´t find my healing. Therapist distracts me from my problem, from my energy, from my sorrow. He focuses on the cognition. The talks in examples that don´t seem to have anything to do with me, with my current question I wanted to raise, nothing with my emotional sorrow. Out of the blew he tells something like “it was kind of your fault, the way how you are caused people to abuse you”. No word about the fact that my perpetrators were perpetrators, in contrast – I was made the perpetrator. Then he tells me that if I want a deep healing, I must stay long enough in the therapy etc….it feels like mind manipulation. I am usually just hopelessly sitting there and trying to bring my issue and my emotional sorrow again and again.
    Then, I suffer from dissociation, deep pain in my body and mind -the disconnection of my mind and emotions.Then I tell it (or write an e-mail as I have no courage to tell it all to the therapist, I also feel that he pushes me back to tell him). He replies that of course, he agrees with me and my trauma. He will not focus on that and that. However, he does not fully replay to what I was raising. The next session is great again. The next one is luke-warm. The next one causes me suffering.
    I believe that one can find it with a woman-therapist as well.
    Maybe some therapist use these methods to attach the people and let them stay in submissive position,
    maybe they are persuaded or had learned that motivation through neglect, abandon, criticism will help to heal the patient/client. I found in a psychotherapy book that it “inflicting suffering” will create the change through “catharsis”. Kind of exposure therapy. However, in my situation, I suspect that the therapist got after me after I had I raised discontent (as a way of punishing me for shooting down their authority). For me as a person that suffered and suffers, it feels as a torture. I am not able to leave this therapy. It created confusion (I had as well noticed that one session the therapist makes a point, the another session he makes completely a different point on the same issue ! -it confuses me hugely !).
    BTW, the therapist online also pushes me into being “unstable” and needing additional support (like a psychiatrist).This is fully a BS. I want to heal. It is so tough to escape from this. Great that there are these information on the internet and the shared stories of people. Some help. Alise, if you had not left yet this therapist and considering it, I had read that it is not good to leave abruptly. I am thinking about my leaving since the second session, being in the cycle of good/neglect/critisism/blaming (at least this is what I train myself to feel)…but I hope that I could walk myself out .
    I was also thinking that the therapist wants to get rid of me this way. The thing is that I feel that I am being persuaded to stay, the therapist does not allow me to leave at the same time.

  • Kimberly

    June 14th, 2017 at 5:38 AM

    I won’t go back to her, calling a person unstable is very very unsettling. Whether true or not it’s very telling of her character.

  • Brian

    October 24th, 2016 at 4:20 AM

    I recently met with an abusive therapist. He went for the jugular during our first 15 minutes. If your a male I would not recommend seeing male therapist. They are much too aggressive, and or say crazy things that are not healthy to listen to if your depressed. They will actually try to cause you additional pain and suffering. Watch out for therapist for who act zany, or over the top. That may be a sign that the person is mentally imbalanced, worse than depressed, or PTSD, but over the top pychotic. I had a very messed up therapist who was abusive. Look for the warning signs. Too person, not building trust, betraying trust, not a caring person.

  • Marie

    May 28th, 2017 at 7:13 AM

    Brian,
    I am sorry for your experience. Thank you for this share. I have a similar one, although I am a female. There were just no other therapist, only a male, they got to me….. I would have doubt my experience of the fact that therapist can cause the additonal pain suffering. Who else to go to …they are here for it, they are even paid for help ! I thought it was easy to find a therapist. After 5 years of searching and staying in therapies that obviously don´t help (it feels that they inflict additional pain), I still had not found. It is not ethical to use people in need to make them suffer more (sometimes with these male therapist I had met, I even thought that they inflict the shaming, blaming on me on purpose -as abusers do, it was not an accident or unskillful therapist). It was probably not my fault that I did not make it in the therapy again (and let myself abuse). The sad thing that I must pay money for it. I was considering to put a legal action on the one therapist, but he is only one of few in the town, they all know each other, I am not in good position….I feel that nobody would believe me, how could I prove that ? I wanted to ask for the money refund from the current abusive therapist (I had not been prevented about my rights, financial possibilites..), I wanted to mention the manipulative tactics I felt that he uses (and I found in a book he probably uses for his work), I wanted to tell that “it is not all right”, he applies methods in therapy that he did not prevented me, he did not ask my consent (method of exposure …otherwise “manipulation”) and that I repeatedly disagreed with the fact that I felt more pain, I was not allowed to process my emotions…..I wanted to write that it was a betrayl, not only of my trust, but also a betrayl of my verbal and written conditions. Then, I was thinking again, I gave myself time and I got afraid to write this. I figured out that in the bank account I send him the money to, is my address (I don´t know if it is normal or how it did happen)…..some fear, maybe fear of childhood overcame me. Then my mind tells me that “it is all in my mind, I overexaggarate” (the therapist told me “I was paranoid” -he made lots of time for repeating it to me). I started to be afraid that I would be bullying by him, at least in my e-mail…what would happen when I would not pay the money I had not paid yet when I figured out that it was abuse done against my will, without my consent etc….. It would be also fantastic to receive some money back that I already paid. But maybe, I will just be happy to manage to get out and don´t let myself talked into trying it again, he promising me that he will focus on the therapy that does not make me suffer….and I will “give up” because I will be sad that I have no help, that I had cut myself of help (when finally somebody shows up). I am pretty aware that these are the family-abused structures….but it is really hard to get out of there.

  • Mark H.

    May 28th, 2017 at 10:53 AM

    Therapists are human and sometimes they too lose it. I had that experience in July of last year. I posted in this forum what happened. I’m starting to think that some of these “experts” don’t even have the credentials they claim to have. It’s soooooo hard to really vet them. My advice, which I’ve also followed, is to NOT return to a therapist ever again if you’re not comfortable with them. Look for another!!! Then, stick with the person who you feel comfortable with and are being helped by.

  • Incognita

    December 1st, 2016 at 12:51 PM

    I suffer from major depression; I have not been in treatment for 2 years, because of my last experience. It started when I asked my therapist if I was late for an appointment, he was at desk having a conversation with another doctor I thought I had the day wrong. So I asked well the doctor starts to yell at me at the front desk, we went back to the office where he unloaded on me about missing, blowing off appointments, always coming late. The problem is I never did the things he accused me; he went on to say this was because of my anger issues, relationships with family problems. This was about everything except me asking a question in a polite manner. I attempted to leave appointment because I did not want to argue, he told me if I left he would not refill my medications. Next visit he had to apologize; I said everyone has a bad day, so I let it go. I kept in mind his using my medication to threaten me. Next, I had questions about my medication, the doctor got upset every time I asked a question or said I did not feel medication was effective. I had to go to another doctor to get answers about medication. He would also keep a list of everything I said he did not like; he would go to this list when there was a disagreement. I have a rare complicated disease with no cure; this doctor kept telling me, had another disease. I was seeing a specialist every time I stated no I do not have that disease he got upset with me. He would not speak with my specialist. From the day, I stepped in the door he was attempting to take me off my medication without stating what he was going to replace treatment. One of my last visits he yelled at me stating I demean him. I was an angry, a bad broken person who was not fixable. Hospitalized was I for suicidal thoughts days later, at the time I believed him. My last visit he told me he was going to treat me for a certain amount of weeks, what his rules were I could take it or leave it. He never once mentioned my admittance to the hospital. At that point, I asked myself why I am sitting here taking this and letting him talk to me in this manner. Therefore, focus was I on keeping a permanent therapist; working on our differences, I ignored bad behavior. I should have replaced him the day he yelled at me. I am glad I am able to tell someone my story; do not stay with a therapist that behaves badly.

  • Marie

    May 28th, 2017 at 10:54 AM

    Incognita,
    I am sorry you had to go through this.
    This is awful behavior ! You were innocent and blamed (apparently for problems of others).
    It is injust.
    I found David Bedrick that speaks about the victimization and blaming.
    Perhaps it helps.

    I suffer from major depression; I have not been in treatment for 2 years, because of my last experience. It started when I asked my therapist if I was late for an appointment, he was at desk having a conversation with another doctor I thought I had the day wrong. So I asked well the doctor starts to yell at me at the front desk, we went back to the office where he unloaded on me about missing, blowing off appointments, always coming late. The problem is I never did the things he accused me; he went on to say this was because of my anger issues, relationships with family problems. This was about everything except me asking a question in a polite manner. I attempted to leave appointment because I did not want to argue, he told me if I left he would not refill my medications. Next visit he had to apologize; I said everyone has a bad day, so I let it go. I kept in mind his using my medication to threaten me. Next, I had questions about my medication, the doctor got upset every time I asked a question or said I did not feel medication was effective. I had to go to another doctor to get answers about medication. He would also keep a list of everything I said he did not like; he would go to this list when there was a disagreement. I have a rare complicated disease with no cure; this doctor kept telling me, had another disease. I was seeing a specialist every time I stated no I do not have that disease he got upset with me. He would not speak with my specialist. From the day, I stepped in the door he was attempting to take me off my medication without stating what he was going to replace treatment. One of my last visits he yelled at me stating I demean him. I was an angry, a bad broken person who was not fixable. Hospitalized was I for suicidal thoughts days later, at the time I believed him. My last visit he told me he was going to treat me for a certain amount of weeks, what his rules were I could take it or leave it. He never once mentioned my admittance to the hospital. At that point, I asked myself why I am sitting here taking this and letting him talk to me in this manner. Therefore, focus was I on keeping a permanent therapist; working on our differences, I ignored bad behavior. I should have replaced him the day he yelled at me. I am glad I am able to tell someone my story; do not stay with a therapist that behaves badly.

  • Julia

    September 7th, 2017 at 4:01 PM

    It feels like you made a really hard, but GOODcall.
    I’ve had Drs. do and say things that Really hurt, after a pretty supportive 30 year relationship as his patient,– I try to take the part that seems true and grow from it, but man it felt like a knife in the gut?

  • Chelle

    April 7th, 2019 at 6:38 PM

    I am a little confused on my therapist and I know she has anxiety issues and works part time because of it. She tends to tell me what is good and bad and although sweet and really like her as a person,we never get past how my week has been and I’m not sure we ever will if you know what I mean. I’m not even sure if I can see another therapist with my insurance.

  • James C.

    January 16th, 2017 at 12:54 AM

    My insurance recently changed, and as a consequence my therapist was no longer able to come to my home. He came to explain the situation, we discussed other possibilities, and I decided to allow him to refer me to a colleague that he “trusts implicitly”. Keep in mind I had been seeing him every two weeks for roughly 2 years. As it turned out, this colleague (who’s female) now only sees female clients. Ok, so I’m referred to another counselor in the office. My very first visit with the new counselor was disturbing to say the least. It’s very true that first impressions are everything, and this guy didn’t fall short in the “Offending the Client” category! He asked me to tell him about myself, my past experiences that come to mind, why I have services, etc. It had been two weeks or more since I spoke with him to schedule our first session, so he’d had plenty of time to review my file and familiarize himself with my past treatment and issues. My response to him was, “Tell me what you know about me and I will just fill in the blanks.” He had NO CLUE! When he went to pull up my records he started reading out a diagnoses that was completely off base, and when I pointed it out he realized he was reading the wrong person’s file to me (no names were given). Fast forward into the session and we are talking about my very first experience losing someone very close to me–my grandmother. She lost a very long battle with cancer in May of 2016, so as of right now it still hasn’t even been a year. Well, I have very eclectic spiritual beliefs to most, and I was telling him about an experience I’d had about 2 weeks after she passed that completely and totally reaffirmed my beliefs when suddenly it got hard to breathe, I began to sweat, and my heart started to race. It was getting a bit too serious and emotional for me considering it was our first session. I’m often dismissive in a very nonchalant way, so my response to the sudden anxiety was to shrug it off by saying, “Or, maybe I’m just delusional.” This man’s reply, which was very quick and off the cuff, was to look at me and say, “I used to be a psychosis specialist at a previous facility I worked for, and I don’t think you’re delusional. You may be flirting with psychosis though, but you’re not there yet.” Since that day I have dreaded every session with him. I should have walked out of his office right then, but I didn’t. I know why I didn’t and what I have to do to rectify it, but for some reason I can’t. It’s like I am constantly expecting him to behave differently while knowing that he won’t all because I loathe the thought of having to relive certain events yet again just to catch up another therapist that potentially didn’t do his or her homework before we met. I know that I basically just defined ‘insanity’, but I’m truly not. God I wish I had my old therapist back! (Not dependent either. Ok, maybe. I don’t know.)

  • Liza D

    January 16th, 2017 at 1:05 PM

    Hi Sam, Looks like you have some choices here. You could get a new therapist, and tell them up front that you would like to have your original therapist fax him/her your records for them to review before the first session–explaining that that is very important to you, since your history is complex and painful and you want them to have a basic idea about it so you won’t have to go through it inch by inch.

    Or you could start by returning one more time to this current therapist and talking about your concern with his approach. You could say something like, “When I came here for the first session, I expected that you would already know the basics about me. It was very painful for me to be asked to fill you in on so much of my history in that setting. If I ask my previous therapist to fax you my records, would you be willing to read them before our next visit?”

    Then see what he says. If you like what he says, you give him another chance; if you don’t, you find another therapist.

    Once you’ve got that dealt with, if you stay with him, you might decide what specific issue you want to work on first. And you might want to mention how you felt when he made that comment about psychosis not happening “yet!”

  • Matt

    October 17th, 2017 at 8:24 PM

    One concern (or red flag) I have had and continue to have is a therapist that doesn’t ask questions about you; or investigate things. You end up thinking that after 6 months, a year, two years even that they really hardly know you at all…

  • Marie

    May 3rd, 2018 at 6:10 AM

    Hi Jeremy.
    I am sorry for this terrific experience with doctors.
    Thank you for sharing.
    It has been a while you wrote this comment. I hope you are doing well.

    I have been all my life in a similar position. Since my childhood, I had been abused (operation removal of throat tonsils without anesthesia performed on me at the age of 5, emotionally abusive GP…a general neglect, ignorance to let to oversee and downplay my health problems until it got too late). I don´t see doctors anymore. I know that I suffer from “medical trauma”. It developped into PTSD. I have not been searching on it yet, it is too much for me. I also was 2x abused by therapist (I come from abusive family….the health care neglect of mine was part of that). Physicians and therapist have made a person with disablement of mine. On the top, I have no financial support from the system. I have many reasons why to hate them.
    I have many questions why I have been abused repeatedly, instead of being helped (as they claim they are: helpers).
    I had also pissed of some coaches. They ostracized me the moment I talked about my abuse in health care. The group (on facebook) of the close flying monkeys joined. It was tough…after some time being there with them and receiving some kind of support.
    As you, I kept bringing that up to the therapist and how doctors do not care about me.
    It might set them on.
    I had not experienced anybody who would tell: you had been abused. I am so sorry. They were not good doctors. ……You need so much better.
    There might be reasons why I run into these not so good doctors and therapists. The abuse for very bad …what happened to me.
    Instead of that I receive this reaction: They shame back. They gaslight back. The abuse in health care does exist. They tell me that I play the victim card. Nobody is good enough for me……

    This is what I see it might be happening for you:
    It is not your fault. You are just saying what happened to you. They get after you instead of helping.
    It is as one is being physically (or sexually) abused, tell it at police (or to the doctor) and these supportes will blame, shame, yell at me and physically and sexually abuse on the top. The motto: I will show you the abuse !!!
    I guess that these doctors are really not very good.
    How to get out ? I don´t know. I have no answer. I educate myself on auyrvedic medicine, I want my body to survive. My goal is to find good doctors. However, without me being healed from the wounds of the abuse at home, from the doctors, it will be tough. I might keep meeting abusers. It is depressing cycle.
    Thus, I do educate myself on therapy. On abuse in therapy and general. On gaslight in therapy

    I cannot get anybody to help me. As you say.
    I try to console myself that I have to be the healer…and all the suffering done to me in the health care has a meaning. A blessing in disguise. Otherwise, I would have checked out from this world already.
    I guess that the trauma deep down is big: I learn about the Internal Family Systems …to understand how severe traumatisation can cause a physical sickness. Trauma that has not been helped is actually PTSD.
    Not getting any help.
    How many many doctors and mental health care professionals don´t understand it. They simple don´t. They have not gone through severe trauma. They got help. They call others victims, playing on the victim card…because they had not healed their own issue well. It must point directly towards them and their blind spots.
    I also try to understand that healers for big things (traumas, sickness) are rare.
    Doctors who stand out the fact that some of their fellows do abuse (even if not intentionally). Doctors and healers who has to educate themselves to know their blind spots and wounds and don´t abuse back.
    I would take only these kind of healers. Healers of the healers. Hard to find them.
    Don´t buy the BS of them that “nobody is good enough for me”. It might be the opposite: they cannot help me. They are not qualified, not experienced, they had not worked on their wounds and, they might not be talented. To be a doctor, therapist, one needs talent. It is not a job for everybody.

    If you had some ideas on the medical abuse and how to tackle it, please share.

    Take good care of your body.
    (Auyrvedic life style is what is helping me. Doing yoga. There are also recommendation for people with diabetes….it can be cured if not severe).
    As well many trauma-life style helps me (yoga again, good eating, calming myself, practice self-compassion and joy).
    (it is possible that you don´t need so many medication !).

  • Christie

    September 24th, 2018 at 9:25 PM

    I had a counselor who was a bully. No one was safe in her group, least of all, me. She hated me because I am smart. I think she felt threatened. I don’t do that to anyone. She was a threat to me because she wrote the reports. I mentioned that I use aswaghanda to help me relax, and she wrote in her notes that I was using substances.

  • Anonymous

    May 9th, 2020 at 4:25 AM

    I have also been bullied and abused by healthcare professionals. They lacked empathy, made me feel even worse, bullied me, abused me. Initially, I decided to see a therapist due to a lifetime of abuse and bullying against myself by a large amount of various people in my life and then instead of supporting me the healthcare system and professionals then proceeded to bully and abuse me too! Their bullying and abuse have made me feel so bad and ruined my life to such an extent that not only can I never even think about trying a different therapist I can no longer even go to any place connected with ‘healthcare’ for fear of further abuse by them. The healthcare system is full of abusive people. An interesting thing that not many people think about is that some people are kind to most other people but single out one or a few people to bully or abuse. So someone could seem nice to the majority of people but to the person being abused or bullied by that same person that person is not kind! Also, people start ganging up against a person and then all decide to join in their fun!

  • Metoo

    May 21st, 2018 at 2:41 PM

    When I left a bad review in Yelp I had my comment removed. This woman was nuts, way more than myself. I was suicidal after only one session. She made fun of me and said well aren’t you the victim? All your life here? From being abused at home to school to your late stage cancer.

  • Barbara B.

    September 7th, 2018 at 4:40 PM

    Had my 3rd visit with a therapist today. He was all over the place, talking about the bible and drinking. All because I said I had two glasses of wine rather than 1. Then he started talking about religions not allowing you to dance, and went into how he is not going to have sex on the floor with his wife if he dances with her. Then he starts talking about sex and the bible not saying it was all about procreation. Then his wife texted him. He went on about her having migraines and throwing up, bp was high, and she was going to the PCP. I asked him if he needed to leave.
    This is my 3rd visit, and I am going for stress management. Not sure if I need to find another counselor. Perhaps he was just having a bad day.
    He was not prepared. Talking about my family and stress, I redirected him to my work issues and the stress associated with it, he went on about the bible, then about a patient that gave him a bad survey when I mentioned surveys, then the text, then ended the session a few minutes early. Ran out to his car and drove out of the parking lot, staring at me as he was driving away.
    I never had to go for counseling before, but I’m thinking I am not getting the care that I should be getting. Am I overreacting? Should I find another counselor? Give him one more week? Please advise.

  • eacb

    September 8th, 2018 at 11:00 AM

    should be pretty obvious that he is not qualified as a therapist. i’d want my money back….

  • Metoo

    September 25th, 2018 at 7:39 AM

    Sounds like predatory (bad news) guys… what I just read here is truly alarming. Run!

  • EyesOpened

    July 25th, 2019 at 3:52 PM

    VERY comprehensive. I was pleasantly surprised.
    I wanted to add one crucial thing. My unfaithful wife and I sought counseling, and we tried two different female therapists to help us work through things. My wife wasn’t willing to be fully honest yet, of which they were aware.
    The therapists both, by our second appointment with either of them, worked to shoehorn me into different types of psychological conditions. According to them, I had either ADHD and Autism, or had random hallucinations. Strange how none of that ever manifested in any way before I turned 49, right? How many people would I have run over, over the years? How many tests would have been inexplicably failed, etc.? As for hallucinations, in my case, I never do. It’s part of my body chemistry. Was that batch of antibiotic tainted? worked great but patients all saw crazy things? Not me.

    Yes, they both were using the cheater’s friend, Gaslighting, to make me doubt my mind and perceptions. They chose to try to help the wayward spouse hide, instead of seeking a healthy relationship for us. If you are male and in couple’s counseling, let phrasing like, “So, sir, That is why you should question anything you think or know right now,” or, even though what’s going on is mainly with your spouse, YOU are the focus, along with anything stray about you.

    Sexist red flags, which when replicated by different therapists except for the nouns, sound like a widespread sexist counseling Training issue.

  • Gwen

    February 13th, 2020 at 10:36 AM

    Great list. My old therapist Elizabeth hit a good majority of the items on this list. Awful, traumatic experience. I severely suffered for over a year after the relationship had ended. Therapists can definitely cause more harm than good. I recommend to everyone else in therapy to be vigilant in making sure the therapist and therapy are healthy and are helping you. If not, stop the therapy. There are great therapists out there who are skilled and healthy and can actually help you.

  • Anonymous

    May 9th, 2020 at 4:39 AM

    One can’t always stop therapy if one wants to even if they are abusive. Sometimes healthcare professionals force you to do things and won’t let you go even if you’ve done nothing wrong. Then they do more harm than good.

  • Anonymous

    May 9th, 2020 at 4:07 AM

    I’m disturbed by something on your list ‘too empathetic’? How can it be a bad thing for a therapist to be empathetic? We should be encouraging empathy not degrading it. A shame. I’ve had more than one experience with healthcare professionals lacking empathy but I would never have desired them to have even less empathy than they already had!

  • sam

    February 20th, 2008 at 11:39 AM

    It is a great list, I agree. And, I think it is useful for both client and therapist. Sometimes as therapists we do need to be kept on our toes. I think I’ll post this list in my waiting room for my clients and in my office for my own reminders.

  • debbie

    August 4th, 2016 at 5:36 PM

    I have had the same doc for 5 years, lately he has become judgmental and treats me like I am an inconvience. For example, he complains about his workoad. Should I feel guilty for being there? Now I feel like he hates me and is trying to get rid of me. He sometimes makes judgmental comments to me, usually about something somebody has done to me. He refused to believe I am depressed and tries to put words in my mouth. I am confused and very angry.
    There are few shrinks in this town and little choice. I didn’t stand up to him, but I do not want to go back to him. All he does is give drugs and he gets mad at me when I show anger. Is it his workload or is it me? I feel like writing a letter to him. He seems to take it personal that i am still depressed, even with meds. I am resistant to the drugs he prescribes because I am a healthy person and I don’t want to damage my physical health. I feel that he has taken advantage of me. I have trouble standing up to people.

  • Marvin

    September 10th, 2016 at 1:46 PM

    Yes, get out immediately. he needs the therapy. Never put up with someone like this no excuses. tell him what you think of him. He deserves it

  • Rob

    February 20th, 2008 at 11:40 AM

    My daughter goes to a therapist, and I am glad to see that this therapist seems to follow this list very well. She has made a huge difference in my daughter’s life and I am very, very grateful for her. Some of the items on the list I actually laughed at, such as answering the phone during a session. But, I am sure that if it made the list, someone somewhere has done it. But, I’m glad I haven’t had personal experience with this item-that would be very frustrating and maybe even embarrassing.

  • Liza D.

    September 11th, 2016 at 3:16 AM

    Hi Rob–about answering the phone during a session…

    Many years ago that happened to me! It was my first session with a male therapist. I’d been answering personal questions when his phone rang. He asked me to stand at the far end of his long, narrow office so he’d have “privacy.”

    I was there because I had severe backaches whenever I had to stand for a while–he did biofeedback. Many months of enduring this pain had me very depressed. After five minutes I was in pain. After 10 minutes it was becoming agony. But I was so cowed by the notion of therapy that I assumed this must be some sort of test… how much pain could I (literally) stand?

    To distract myself I gazed at pictures on his wall. Dear me! One was a collage of him and several women and men skinny dipping! One woman’s face was covered by a sticky note. My blood chilled. Just then he put down the phone and I resumed my seat (yes, I know–I should have fled).

    I answered his questions like a robot while my mind raced: This must be another test. He’d be judging me on whether or not I asked about the photo. I finally asked… about the sticky note. He explained that she was his former girlfriend; he’d covered her face because his current girlfriend didn’t like to see it when she visited his office.

    This guy was so creepy I didn’t bother to confront him. By the end of the session, sitting had reduced my pain. I left and never returned.

    I want to add that after numerous bad experiences with therapists I did eventually find an excellent one, and I’ve been seeing her on an as-needed basis for about 20 years with excellent results. The search can be long, but it’s worth it.

  • Tatiyana

    September 28th, 2016 at 10:01 PM

    Yes my therapist has answered her phone every section we had and I have only had 3. I am done. She wasn’t helping anything but making money to sit there and not help

  • Nancy

    August 8th, 2017 at 11:30 AM

    Rob:
    Yea, the phone. I just tried my first therapist for 3 appts. I struggled with whether or not I was giving therapy enough visits but one thing she said was, “you should be enjoying life” (and also told me she didn’t like the word, “should” because I say it a lot…that is what’s in my head and what overwhelms me! Then today I woke up to increased anxiety because I had an appt. with her….that’s not enjoying life. When I called to cancel, it was all about her not getting paid by insurance because I called too late. I told her I would pay her cash and she said, “ok $100”. ugh. So on the “red flags” list: she didn’t answer her phone, but it would ring and she would try to shut it off, then struggle with it to figure out how to shut it off; she would get up and down to look out the entry door (she was waiting for a personal friend to arrive), then get up when the friend was there to pass off her dog to them; and mostly she just sits silent and would give me no question! that’s super uncomfortable. I was looking for talk therapy, questions and conversation. She was too distracted and lost my insurance info., then called to get my mailing address after I cancelled all further appts. She should have had all that down.
    Thanks for being a place to vent.

  • Emma

    January 19th, 2018 at 4:53 PM

    Yes, I had a psychologist who not only answered his phone during sessions but would also yawn and constantly check his watch. I am yet to find a decent therapist, they all seem to have their own unresolved stuff and are the blind leading the blind or just abusers in disguise. I’m going to look for compassion therapists, it’s a method of therapy which uses compassion to teach self love and self compassion. Otherwise all other therapists you put yourself at risk for further mental abuse. Tread with care when choosing people who get paid to mess with your mind. You may end up worse than you were.

  • Jean Mercer

    March 5th, 2008 at 9:46 AM

    I would be concerned if a therapist’s degree proved to be from a non-accredited institution, or if his or her only training relevant to the problem being treated was through workshops outside of a degree program. I would also be concerned if the person presented as credentials “diplomates” or other certifications offered by self-credentialing membership associations rather than by national professional organizations, or claimed board certifications other than those managed by national professional associations.

  • Elaine

    March 19th, 2008 at 5:23 AM

    A therapist who sees a remarried couple when one of the partners was in counseling with the same therapist with their former spouse.

  • Britt

    April 1st, 2008 at 7:11 AM

    Should a good therapist in the beginning stages of the therapy request a historical summary of the client in order to provide good counseling? I have a friend in counseling and the therapist did not ask for historical family information. This friend comes from alcoholic family…..Should we be concerned?

  • Jeremy

    August 12th, 2016 at 10:25 PM

    I also wanted to say that I suffer from moderate sleep apnea and the therapist does not understand how years of not sleeping right has caused me tons of anxiety, depression, and an irritable mood. I had 7 days of no dreaming and non-refreshing sleep, to the point where I didn’t even know what day it was one day, and had to keep calling the office to check my appointment times. I think this also made her feel like I was not taking therapy seriously. She said that my so called lack of sleep was an eccuse as well. I also go between bouts of insomnia and sleeping for 12-13 hours at a time. Even up to 18 hours. That is when the lack of REM sleep catches up to me and I just pass out. Other times I am so exausted, it feels like I am going to pass out on the floor, then I go to bed and lay there for hours unable to sleep. Last night the Ambien didn’t even work for like 3 hours after I took it. That is another problem I have with my other medical issues and the therapist thinks it’s trivial. Not getting sleep has ruined my whole life, both personally and professionally. I am still waiting for my BIPAP machine after many years of misdiagnosis. I hope it can fix my anxiety and depression.

  • Claire

    September 6th, 2016 at 7:31 PM

    Hi Jeremy,
    It sounds like you have a lot of medical problems, that may be impacting your mental health. I understand — I have medical issues myself. I know how hard it is to change one’s diet, and a person has to have sleep. Have you considered a Functional Medicine doctor? This is someone who would look at you as a whole person, rather than coming from an angle of one specialty. If you could find someone you clicked with, perhaps it would really work out for you. Another thought is a Naturopath; I met with four or five before I settled on one. It doesn’t all have to be about supplements either. My naturopath and I discuss all kinds of positive life changes. I also have a primary MD. I hope you find a good fit with your medical care. Please don’t give up! I’ve had plenty of negative experiences like you have e.g. a pain specialist who wouldn’t prescribe and looked at me like an addict (umm, no, I simply have A LOT of pain), therapies that didn’t work, etc. But there are good people out there, too. Best of luck.

  • Robert G

    May 27th, 2017 at 2:02 PM

    I have strong feelings about this. I saw 10 therapists desperately searching for someone who could help me. Only 1 asked about my family and said I was lucky I didn’t end up in a mental hospital. Gestalt, Rogerian , and other styles think they are so brilliant that they can figure you out without taking a history. All my issues were in my history, and they were only speculating about how to help me. As far as I am concerned, if a therapist does not take a detailed history and THINK about it, they are commiting fraud. They’re just plain lazy and incompetent.

  • Mark H.

    May 28th, 2017 at 11:11 AM

    I TOTALLY AGREE, Robert G!!!

  • An

    July 5th, 2017 at 2:07 PM

    A healthy therapeutic relationship between both the therapist and the client solidifies the foundation for wellness for the client. Additionally, it is also vital for therapist to take into consideration the client’s background, culture, cultural norms, their childhood, current stressors, religion, and other factors that may have an influence on the individual. These factors may also have a negative impact on the client’s behavior as well. When I see client’s I take all of the following into consideration, and also gain insight on the client’s background. For example, if an individual was emotionally, mentally, and physically abandoned by their parents, this could have an influence on their ability to formulate relationships with others. Not being unaware of the abandonment in the individual’s childhood, could possibly become a barrier while in therapy.

  • John Petersen, PsyD

    April 21st, 2008 at 1:38 PM

    Not necessarily. Actually there is no research evidence to suggest this is important, although it is common and the norm in therapy practice. Many excellent therapists will skip this information in order to use the time to simply get started solving problems. Often problems can be solved without the history.
    It is important to track if therapy is helping and if the client feels understood. If either of these things is not happening by the third session, research indicates a good outcome of therapy is considerably less likely.
    If your friend feels it is important to tell his/her story and social history, it is worth while to speak up about that. The therapist should be able to adjust.

  • John Petersen, PsyD

    April 21st, 2008 at 1:39 PM

    Not necessarily. Actually there is no research evidence to suggest this is important, although it is common and the norm in therapy practice. Many excellent therapists will skip this information in order to use the time to simply get started solving problems. Often problems can be solved without the history.
    It is important to track if therapy is helping and if the client feels understood. If either of these things is not happening by the third session, research indicates a good outcome of therapy is considerably less likely.
    If your friend feels it is important to tell his/her story and social history, it is worth while to speak up about that. The therapist should be able to adjust.

  • Marvin

    October 17th, 2016 at 11:02 AM

    I saw 10 therapists over a course of 20 years. Only one asked about my family and she said I was lucky I didn’t go into a mental hospital. Every other therapist was about thinking, feeling, but no interest in what was really going on. Ignoring the family is like going to a doctor who just looks at surface symptoms and starts prescribing, without taking a history. All my issues were in my history. By not asking about them, the therapist can only make an uneducated speculation

  • Chelsea

    March 11th, 2019 at 10:33 AM

    I agree with you, Marvin. The therapist doesn’t have to get into all the details. It just makes sense that they would have a general overview in order to get a snapshot of who you are. I think the governing associations (Psychological, Psychiatric) should devise a simple survey, a cheat sheet of sorts, to fill out and give to prospective therapists. But pro-activeness doesn’t come easily.

  • Garry

    April 21st, 2008 at 11:07 PM

    If a person is from an alcoholic family and the therapist does not know addictions, I suggest they refer to a qualified clinician! That individual is an Adult Child Of Alcoholic (ACOA) and that is huge! That brings a host of other issues that must not be over looked!!!!

  • Ron Morgan

    May 5th, 2008 at 7:50 AM

    I would be wary of a therapist who is limited to one type of theraputic approach. For example, the therapist may say, “I’m a cognitive therapist,” goes to cognitive therapy conventions, is an active member of various cognitive therapy associations, etc. etc. Or Transactional Analysis, or Cognitive-Behavioral, or what have you.

    Not to sound condescending, but some therapists are overdependent on specific methods to compensate for their lack of skill in other methods, and end up steering the therapy to fit their method, instead of vice-versa.

    The really skilled, successful therapists I’ve seen have been eclectic, and are able to provide whatever approach or approaches are effective with their clients. So for me, if a therapist says, “I’m a whoopeekipperedherring therapist,” that’s a major red flag.

  • Chelsea

    January 11th, 2017 at 4:39 PM

    It’s unfortunate to read these accounts of bad therapeutic experiences. It’s so heartbreaking and frustrating to see people in need treated so poorly. I’ve certainly had my share of them; in fact, I can scarcely recall a therapist I truly liked and benefited from. And I agree that some of them are indeed weird.
    I will describe my now former therapist and you can judge as you see fit:

    1. She walked around her office without any shoes on
    2. She took at least a couple of telephone calls during sessions
    3. She habitually ran late (10-15 min.), though she did warn me in advance
    4. She made a critical remark about Christian pastors
    5. When I enthusiastically inquired about a book in her waiting room, she
    became somewhat sour, saying that some of the stuff in the book was
    useless, thereby discouraging me with her attitude
    6. When she misunderstood me one day, and I called to clarify her feedback,
    she became somewhat irritated, emphasizing over and over that my concern
    was a concern for a therapy session, despite earlier encouraging me to bring
    any concerns to her. I was forced to wait two more weeks as a result. When I
    attended the next session, she gave no indication of our earlier conflict.
    7. Today, when I decided to speak with her about my anxiety, she fell back on
    reminding me that meds only solve about 30% of the problem (which I
    disagree with), which discouraged me, because I had finally made a decision
    to move forward with treatment. She also told me that my other, non-
    medicinal attempts to correct my problem were “superficial”. I became very
    angry because I felt she was being negative and undermining my efforts,
    and when I attempted to communicate this to her, she blamed all of my
    disenchantment on me, and flat out refused to offer any alternatives to
    medicine. After shedding a few tears and telling her I’d been through too
    much in my life to entertain this kind of dialogue, I left her office.

    As a result of this experience, I will probably add a few red flags of my own. Thank you for reminding me that just because I present with emotional difficulties, any difficulties that may ensue with a therapist aren’t necessarily my fault.

  • Chelsea

    January 11th, 2017 at 5:27 PM

    I would also like to add that there was no structure/organization to our therapy sessions, and no goals were set. I kind of felt aimless, though I sure had plenty to talk about.

  • Chelsea

    January 11th, 2017 at 5:37 PM

    There’s nothing wrong with a therapist who is trained in a certain something. Where a problem might occur is if they only see their client’s issues through their specialty. I’ll give you an example: I once sought therapy because I was being bullied by my boss. Instead of dealing with the immediate situation, my therapist launched into a family systems explanation for my travails. But it simply didn’t apply. Instead of thinking outside the box (or suggesting that I see someone else), she kept interpreting my life events thru this narrow prism. Because I was emotionally vulnerable at the time, my own outlook became myopic. I suffered immensely for this.

  • Brenda

    June 3rd, 2008 at 1:23 AM

    Therapist makes sweeping statements of fact using words like “Never”, “Everyone”, ‘Always”;’ “You behavior would bother anyone”
    Therapist takes sides in couple therapy using personal point of view; “Your behavior would bother me too”

  • Terry

    September 8th, 2016 at 7:08 PM

    Try having your husband’s therapist ask to come in for a session and then leave you a mess. It still is an issue between my husband and myself. I really believe that there was something between them. He changed after starting therapy with her. She came to my home ‘for a session’ and it was horrendous. He refused to stop seeing her.

  • Rhonda

    June 28th, 2008 at 1:21 PM

    I was checking to see if it’s right that your Therapist tell’s you on the phone that she can’t se you any longer cause it’s to hard and she is not going to do abuse Therapy after 7 years leaves you flat with no referals nada nothing. She told me she was going to write me a letter and send me a referal and has a gift ect…it’s been 25 days and again nothing. I want my case notes from her and I have written 2 times a letter requesting them and nothing. I need some advice.

    Thank you

  • Audrey

    September 28th, 2016 at 4:47 PM

    Hi Rhonda,
    I am a licensed professional counselor (LPC) in the State of Ohio. I don’t say that to boast credentials but to let to know where I’m coming from on my recommendation. According the American Counseling Association’s Code of Ethics (revised in 2014), the only ethical reason to avoid disclosure of your record is based on the following:

    B.6.e. Client Access
    Counselors provide reasonable access
    to records and copies of records when
    requested by competent clients. Counselors
    limit the access of clients to their
    records, or portions of their records,
    only when there is compelling evidence
    that such access would cause harm to
    the client. Counselors document the
    request of clients and the rationale for
    withholding some or all of the records
    in the files of clients. In situations
    involving multiple clients, counselors
    provide individual clients with only
    those parts of records that relate directly
    to them and do not include confidential information related to any other client.

    You have a right to your record if access does not inherently cause undue harm. I disclose to clients during the intake session that my file is their file. If you go into the office and request the record, they should be able to make copies for you or at least give you a suitable time/day to return for the copies. It’s unfortunate that you should have to but is a proactive approach. If the therapist is ethically able to withhold the file from you for the reasons given, documentation is needed to show reasoning. Hope this helps! You can read more on the ACA Code of Ethics for further information here: counseling.org/resources/aca-code-of-ethics.pdf

  • Ashley

    March 21st, 2017 at 2:24 PM

    Audrey and or any professional counselors,
    My finace’s nephew has been seeing a counselor for about a year or so. The counselor through this teenage boy employed his mother to clean his offices and talk about whether or not it has been done during his sessions. The Counselor also took his family’s dirty clothing to the Child’s house for his mother to wash and dry for a fee. The Counselor texts about appointment times as late as 10pm and on weekends(really odd??). The Counselor had the boy help him fix his car. The nephew is now in our care and just turned 15. He has behavioral issues that are being treated with medication and we entered him into baseball because we felt that would help him. He hasn’t had the outburst that he displays at home and his anger has improved immensely since staying with us. So much that he asked if he could go from seeing his counselor from every week to once a month at least through baseball season. I spoke to his mom and she said it was fine for now. When talking to the counselor he made a huge deal about it. Saying there was no way he was ready for anything like that and that he needs to talk to someone every week. He also talks to a lady from county mental health department. According to the boy the lady from county mental health talks to him about way more issues than the counselor does. The Counselor then contacted the mom and pushed to where the boy has to go and see him every 2 weeks. According to the boy all the Counselor asks him is how school is and then tosses a ball back and forth. He says the Counselor really doesn’t seem to help him or even try to discuss how home life is going and how he feels about the issues that are going on. Now to the nitty gritty of the matter. This boy has been emotionally and physically abused by all the members of the house hold(Mom, step-dad, older brother and sister). The Step-dad emotionally and physically abuses everyone in the household. The boy was removed and brought into our care. According to his mother DFS has stated that if the step-dad completes anger management and AA then the boy will be allowed to return home. However, the boy’s counselor has offered to treat the step-dad for anger management. So, the abused and the abuser would be seeing the same counselor. Is this a conflict of interest? When I was the child in this situation, none of us were allowed to see the same counselor. I feel as if each of their session’s will influence each other individual sessions. No matter what they will be talk about each other. The counselor is not going to completely forget their sessions and may draw upon what is said from one session to the next. I am also in fear that because of his very unprofessional actions and the relationship he developed with the mother that things are going to be simply swept under the rug. I do not want him to go back home to the same situation or to a worse one. I feel things could possibly get worse, if the parents feel that they can get by with things due to improper investigations and counseling. There is nothing really to stop a counselor from signing off on paper work that they completed a program or has done well. The boy likes living here and does better here but wants to be with his mother. I know that the boy’s abandonment issues are not being addressed because the mother is in denial that she ever abandoned her children. She in fact left her children at her parents home to meet a man in Illinois and did not tell any one of her plans. He was very very young at the time. I would say he was not even one or close to one. She did not return to get him until he was 4 almost 5. Then a year after that she came back for the rest of her children. What do you all think about this? When I expressed my concerns about the step-dad using the same counselor, she yelled at me stating it was none of my concern. However, while in my care the safety and well being of the child is my concern. The state should have done more in my opinion.

  • Pseudonymous Chonicus

    March 23rd, 2018 at 9:08 PM

    I was locked up illegally for a week (no warrant, record was forged to make the kidnapping look legitimate) after mistakenly showing up somewhere for another “outpatient” therapist, and horrendous and shocking as that was, the place now refuses to furnish me a copy of my records so NO lawyer will look at this. When I tried to call back for my records the joint called the police on me and then the frightening rude intrusive provocative questions…and this was four days after I was sprung from this horrid illegal imprisonment!! A week later I tried to attend a NAMI meeting (Nat’l Association for Mental Illness) to discuss issues re: my profoundly disabled housemate …the same issues which always create such loneliness and despair for me I an always seemingly forced onto the tender mercies of these moronic abusive hotline workers, who will call the police at the drop of the hat when they don’t want to let you talk anymore, and NOT for any issue of “protection” or “safety”. The abuse in my home was/is always emotional, and no matter how clearly explained it never seems to matter when the hotlines or police are involved.
    But not five minutes after showing up for the NAMI meeting the police were called AGAIN!! and I was once more rudely interrupted again with those ugly snide questions about MY “mental illness” (Actually I am caregiver for a mentally ill individual in my home!!) and after I got the police to leave I was firmly ordered to never try to return to the NAMI meetings there. NO reason, no respect, no recognition that I am an abuse “victim”…emotional abuse in my opinion being just as terrible as the physical kind. A couple days before I had managed to reach a caring person at NAMI and I think she really “heard” me in my discussion about hotline abuse and NAMI neglect (from previous telephone experiences with them) and said she would pass “my concerns” onto management. This attempted police bust was a possible outcome. Nice therapy I must say. And the records never did come. I am thinking at this point a certified letter with copies to the licensing board? PLEASE help me anyone…. with knowledge into the vast depredations of the psychiatric racket in America!!!

  • Rhonda

    June 28th, 2008 at 1:23 PM

    I was checking to see if it’s right that your Therapist tell’s you on the phone that she can’t see you any longer it’s to hard and she is not doing abuse Therapy after 7 yearsand no warning. She left me flat with no referals nothing. She told me she was going to write me a letter and send me a referal and has a gift ect…it’s been 25 days and again nothing. I want my case notes from her and I have written 2 times a letter requesting them and nothing. I need some advice.

    Thank you

  • Jean Mercer

    June 29th, 2008 at 11:21 AM

    Under HIPAA, you have a right to your treatment records, and I think it’s supposed to be within 2 weeks.

    You might not want a referral from someone who behaves like this.

  • Donna Wallace

    July 2nd, 2008 at 6:34 AM

    I am very sorry to hear of your experience of therapeutic abandonment, considered to be one of the most egregious problems in field of psychotherapy. If you feel you have been abandoned by your therapist or are in any other way being treated unethically or unprofessionally, you can report your grievance the therapist’s licensing board. This should be fairly easy to find online be searching for “your state” and “the therapist’s specific license or title” and the word “board.” There are thousands of great therapists out there; be sure to shop around and follow the guidelines on this site and others in selecting your next counselor or therapist. I hope you will not be too discouraged by this experience which is unusual and fairly rare I would say and that you will find another therapist very soon.

  • Deborah

    July 5th, 2008 at 7:26 PM

    I don’t agree with all of the 50 red flags on the website. I think if you the therapist cares about you, tells you he or she can help you, and you see yourself making some progress, then keep going back. The answering phones during session, this happens with my therapist. On the other hand, when I have a problem and need guidance, he answers the phone almost 24 hours a day. Even during other patients’ sessions. So when he does this for other people during my session, I think that’s okay. I would say though if you are seeing someone and you don’t like their behavior, let them know and talk about it. Or go visit other therapists as well and look for a good fit. Ask around for referrals and ask what the therapist will be able to do for you or what positive outcomes you can hope to achieve in counseling. Then stick it out.

  • Kimberly

    June 21st, 2016 at 12:23 PM

    I have to disagree. You t should never talk on the phone, keep looking at her cell or have any other distractions when they are speaking with you. That is time that you had often pay dearly for. Unless it’s an emergency.

  • Jenn

    October 9th, 2016 at 6:00 PM

    Wow! Any therapist who answers a phone in session is just downright rude!! My opinion is UK based (where therapists don’t routinely have phone contact with clients outside sessions except to arrange/re-arrange appointments) but even in the US if you guys ARE allowed to phone them, their phone should be OFF during session. You leave a message, they ring back either to acknowledge your call and if they can’t talk immediately (because they have another client coming in maybe) they should arrange a better time to talk over the phone or bring forward your next session. Whoever is in the room with the therapist should be 100% their top priority! I run my own Photography business and during meetings with clients my phone is ALWAYS off. End of story, no exceptions. There is simply no excuse to put your phone ahead of the distressed person in front of you. They have PAID for your time, the person on the phone HASN’T. I’m so pleased to see that my therapist has none of those 50 problems! I have never even seen her with a phone in her hand. Now I think about it, that’s probably why she uses a Filofax so she doesn’t even need to bring her phone into the room with her to look at her calendar (which is what I do with mine at the end of our sessions). Oh and “never done personal therapy work”? They’re not a therapist I’d trust then if they’re based in the UK, since part of their accreditation to the BACP involves being in regular supervision (which is basically therapy for therapists) End. Of. Rant.

  • Lisa

    July 19th, 2008 at 6:22 AM

    I have another perspective about answering the telephone during sessions. I am a therapist who recently reentered therapy with an analyst who leaves his phone on during all sessions, so that he “doesnt miss his phone appts”. The impact on my session was devastating. The phone rang excessively right in the middle of my discussing how difficult the therapy was for me. When he got up and said “I may need to take this” I was so angry I could barely speak. He did not take it, but when I asked what would happen if he did need to take it, he replied that I would need to step out of the room. I immediately imagined that if he asked me to step out, I would walk out and never return. It would feel humiliating to be asked to “step out”. All I can say is that I cannot imagine being in the middle of a really difficult moment, even more than I already was and having the phone ring and ring. As a therapist, I am always apologetic and quick to act when I accidentally leave the ringer or my voice mail on and there is a disruption in a therapy session. Sometimes intrusions are unavoidable, they happen. But how can one ever really relax into a session, knowing that the therapist is allowing the intrusion? I will discuss this further with this therapist, but am losing hope about a positive outcome.

  • daniel brezenoff

    July 24th, 2008 at 4:09 PM

    add:

    therapist falls asleep!

  • daniel brezenoff

    July 24th, 2008 at 4:11 PM

    Lisa:

    Your analyst sounds like a narcissistic and rather incompetent person. Please consider expressing your emotions to him and then finding another therapist.

  • Dr. Arthur Becker-Weidman

    August 2nd, 2008 at 1:05 PM

    A very informative and helpful blog here.

  • Trimameafe

    August 2nd, 2008 at 2:59 PM

    Thanks for this excellent list! i feel more prepared to find a therapist now that i know the warning signs of bad therapy..

  • Dr. Arthur Becker-Weidman

    August 3rd, 2008 at 4:58 AM

    I would add that you should also expect some sort of clients’ rights statement and an Informed Consent document from your therapist. We post our client rights document and privacy statements in the waiting room and keep copies there for clients. In addition, all of our clients receive, read, and then sign and informed consent document, a copy of which is also in our waiting room and on our website. (see Center4FamilyDevelop.com ).

  • Rl

    August 3rd, 2008 at 7:38 PM

    My Therpist still will not give me my file or any pictures ect. she said I would hav to get an order from the court. I think she is scared at what she put in her notes or something…don’t get it..She did everything wrong when she terminated our sessions and she knows it. I have never felt so bad she left me now with bigger issues. I feel ashamed that I ever went to her and confided in her regarding my abuse, I feel like she was the bigger abuser and to start all over will kill me to much stuff.

  • Dr. Arthur Becker-Weidman

    August 4th, 2008 at 7:42 AM

    I am sorry, RI, to hear about your difficulties.

    If the you were seen with a partner, then the therapist would need consent from all involved, or their guardians. If the file only concerns you, then under HIPPA regs you are entitled to view the file and make or have made copies at reasonable cost. If there is a lawsuit pending, that may complicate matters.

    I hope this helps.
    regrds

  • admin

    August 4th, 2008 at 8:24 AM

    Hi Violet, I really appreciated your comment about therapists who cry. I want to let you know that I think it’s actually a sign of health when one can cry and feel empathy and tenderness. For therapists it’s important and natural to have empathy for clients, the experience generally helps people in therapy to open their hearts to themselves. Of course, some therapists cry because their own soft spots and unfinished places needing attention to a degree that interferes with the clients own work… I can’t tell for sure from what you have told me if this is a case of a therapist needing to clear some feelings up for themselves or you feeling vulnerable or something else altogether. For example, you may have also felt like she pitied you. Whatever the case, I believe that your therapist was pushing your button by crying, but that it is your button. My hunch is that this could be a wonderful opportunity for you to explore your feelings about being vulnerable. I tell my clients when they start therapy with me that it’s possible during the course of therapy that they may develop a desire to quit. A client’s aversion to run from therapy as fast as possible is often protecting the most important and vulnerable material. So I highly encourage you to talk with you therapist about how you are triggered by this, rather than stop therapy. Finding a therapist who is less triggering could be less productive for your therapy and there may be many gifts and treasures to discover by exploring this. Noah

  • Dr. Arthur Becker-Weidman

    August 4th, 2008 at 9:00 AM

    I will echo what Noah has said and so not repeat those excellent points here.

    I will add that the sharing of emotion (technically called intersubjectivity) can have a very positive and healing effect for persons, especially those who have experienced trauma and who may feel alone, uniquely violated, and defective because of the abuse. Sharing affect with a client can make the emotions less disturbing and help the person feel understood on a very deep level.

    Regards

    Art

  • Laurie

    November 23rd, 2019 at 5:42 AM

    I had been seeing my therapist for 22 months. I found her very good and supportive for a long time. I began To have transference and I really fell in love with her. I am gay. I started to see her cause I was splitting with my partner of 44 years. Now and then she would say she didn’t want to hurt me and I felt like she was going to end our relationship. It became a dual relationship as she was a pastor and she told me she didn’t really want this but never said she wouldn’t treat me if I went to her church or bible study.
    Okay. Six weeks ago, she ended our relationship.told me I texted too much and crossed boundaries.i did cause I had panic attacks. I needed her connection. Never had this
    She yelled at me “Laurie,is this what you want” ? I’m done here.
    Told me I knew nothing about therapy. I said tell me what I dont know. She said if I don’t know — with a sneer, she couldn’t help me. I begged her to give me another chance. She said she’d have more respect for me if I didn’t beg. I also had said I texted less and she said, she had appreciated that. I said she might have said I did well. She said she thought she was talking to an adult and not a four year old. I left the office feeling sick. She said call 911 or go to the hospital if I felt ill. She drove past me, and I was hyperventilating over the wheel. I got home 20 mins away.
    I don’t blame her and I miss her attention terribly. I never loved anyone like I loved her.

  • Chelsea

    February 14th, 2020 at 12:50 PM

    It is important that a therapist have compassion when appropriate. However, to be emotionally demonstrative by weeping is an issue related to professionalism and self-control. To exude confidence is very important.

  • Violet

    August 4th, 2008 at 8:04 AM

    My therapist is a lovely woman except she has on numerous occasions started to cry during my sessions (not sobbing! but tears). She is very professional in every other sense although this to me is inappropriate and very unprofessional obviously leaving me feeling very uncomfortable! Would be interested to know if this has happened to anyone else? I have stopped my therapy with her, it got too much.

  • Chelsea

    January 16th, 2017 at 4:17 PM

    Violet, I think you’re on the right track. While we welcome and appreciate empathy from a therapist, it’s a little disconcerting to see them cry, especially as frequently as you describe. Empathy notwithstanding, it does reek of unprofessionalism (however unintended). I would forgo the psychobabble that casts doubt on your perceptions and preferences, and find someone else.

  • Alice

    August 11th, 2008 at 2:41 PM

    15 yrs. ago I went to a LCSW about issues within my marriage of 2 yrs. She learned she was pregnant by the 2nd visit we had and from that point on I became the listener during our sessions. Needless to say some of the issues I had involved our infertility & her constant talk of how happy she was about her news became difficult for me to hear and did not help me. After my 6 visits to her at $75/ea. (even w/insurance I considered it a sizable investment on my part) I finally explained to her that we were not achieving anything of value to me and told her that it would be the end of “my therapy” with her. I was not trying to surprise or hurt her feelings, but she was aghast in surprise. Needless to say, the whole thing gave me pause to consider therapy again, but I did during a time when both my Dad & mother-in-law were suffering cancer & sent to their respectives home admitted to hospice on the same date. It was a much better experience with the therapist I got 6 yrs. ago. Knowing the time I would need to spend with parents made it clear to both me & my therapist when we were done. I would return to her, but to be an informed therapy consumer takes alot of work. With lack of clear thinking & forgetfullness being part of my problems now I am reluctant to trust or test my abilities to get therapy care again, although I would like to do so. Are professional geriatric care managers a trustable resource to help one select therapy providers? I have concerns about conflicts they may have much like the drug trial researchers who also maintain private practice. I still have insurance, but co-pays are considerably higher now. Cost-effectiveness is key for me.

  • Dr. Arthur Becker-Weidman

    August 13th, 2008 at 7:08 AM

    A decent source of referral is your PMD (primary care physician). You could also consider asking trusted friends.

    hope this helps.

  • Tracy

    August 16th, 2008 at 7:30 AM

    Please add to your list
    Therapist uses your insurance to committ fraud then blames you for being impulsive and indirect when you turn him into the insurance company…. after “banging your head on the wall” for 7 months for him give the money back to the insurance company to allieviate the fact that you are now conspiring with him to defraud the insurance company since you know he did it.

  • M

    August 25th, 2008 at 3:08 PM

    I went to a therapist for almost 4 years. She helped me see that I needed to have my partner in therapy too. Her whole program is based on finding your truth and being in truth so this was considered brave work. My husband did not want to go to this therapist because he felt she and her partner husband were cultish. They have a book and a forum. She warned me about other therapists, but I found some one for marriage counseling. Meanwhile I still saw my therapist. Our sessions ended up being a dissection of the marriage counseling. She finally announced to me that I needed to make a choice to really dig in or not become enlightened. She said I was backtracking and that some of my forum posts showed “narcissistic presentations.” I told her that no one had the right to tell someone if they were becoming enlightened or not.She said her training made her especially capable of making these judgements. There were also comparisons on the forum of peoples work made by the husband/wife therapy team, like “so and so is making an amazing discovery while many of you are digging your head in the sand.” This was written as cowardly. This felt like control by threat. I finally did leave the original therapist, but I have struggled with the quitting and feeling like a coward ever since. Does this seem kosher?

  • Sophie

    January 29th, 2017 at 6:51 AM

    In the aftermath of my husband’s infidelity and porn addiction, he began therapy with someone that claims to specialize in these areas. He has pressured my spouse to get me to also come for marriage counseling. I thought it was unethical to see a couple for marriage counseling and at the same time see one of them individually. I have declined marriage counseling with my husband’s therapist. My husband also had an emotional affair with an old high school flame, with whom he met secretly for lunch dates for two years behind my back. His therapist suggested, on more than one occasion, that we have a session with him, my spouse, myself *and * the other woman in order to prove to me she “wasn’t a threat.” I am absolutely stunned he suggested this, and especially so since he claims to have done this with other patients! I can’t imagine why I would want to put myself in an inferior position to the other woman in front of her, my spouse and his therapist! Who is this guy advocating for, anyway?? I refused to attend any such meeting starting that my issue wasn’t with the other woman, but with my spouse. I find the therapist’s suggestion to be insanely unprofessional and unethical. My therapist obtained my consent to speak with his therapist, after which time he dropped the request for a therapy session that included the other woman. My husband continues to see this guy, and states that the therapist has also infused his personal religious beliefs into his sessions by telling my husband that if I were a “true believer” I’d have forgiven my spouse already (it’s been less than a year since my discovery of his lunch dates and tons of porn on his computer). I think this guy is scary and that my spouse should find s different therapist. Even my husband occasionally questions his therapist’s fitness for this profession. Should he find a different counselor based on these facts?

    Thanks in advance for your direction.
    Sophie

  • Jalaina

    August 27th, 2008 at 9:08 AM

    Another indication of an unskilled councellor may be, one that is too much on “your” side.

    While they intend to support your self-esteem, validate your experiences, and build your confidence; they can create an inhibition on your part to reveal less attractive thoughts or behaviors of yours, for fear of losing their positive regard towards you.

    Also, concerning a therapist reflecting the emotional content of the client’s communication.

    Sometimes client’s are so removed from their own experiences, they are unsure what emotion they do feel as a result of the experience.

    They may have removed themselves from the experience because the emotion was too painful. Seeing the therapist express the “emotion” that they fear having, may be painful for them.

    Depending on wether the client is ready to explore that emotion relating to their experience, they may move forward with the exploration, or away from the theraputic relationship.

    Often, when the therapist models emotion, as a result of the client’s disclosures; this display of emotion may give validation and permission to the client to themselves feel, or have a corrective emotional response to the causitive event.

    It seems to me that many children suffer a sort of dissociation from their feelings as a result of parental rejection, hostility, anger and displeasure; and try to defend and appease their parents by not showing an emotional response that would only further inflame their parents, or caregivers.

    Therefor, the therapist in demonstrating the emotion, can help the client in articulating the problem.

    Also the emotional response of the therapist, may be the “gut” reponse to more than just the words of the client, but the entire communication of the client verbal and non-verbal, of which the client is not aware; and at times the therapist is not yet aware of, until the emotional response is explored by both. The therapist then becomes a surrogate for the client’s emotions.

    This is especially true of dealing with trauma to “the child” within the client.

    Young children can suffer much abuse before they become able to well represent what has happened to them in verbal form. In order to remember an event, or the situations surrounding it, one needs a system to record it in one’s memory. Without being able to use language, there are very limited ways to record this, which tends to be the reason many people do not remember their early childhood.

    Even in early childhood, critical and abstract thinking are not available to record what has happened to one, and so the cause and effect of situations often can not be remembered by an individual in a way they can make use of.

    What was not put into a person’s psyche verbally (or logically), and is not represented in their memory verbally; needs to be removed in the way it was put in. Often only the emotion can be used to pull that experience out, in order to look at it, and deal with it, grow, and move on.

    Jalaina

  • Meghan

    June 20th, 2016 at 12:45 PM

    I feel like I am having some issues with my therapist lately. I need a letter of clearance from her for a fertility clinic so that I can be artificially inseminated. She has clearly expressed her disagreement of this decision before in saying that I “have a lot to learn before I am ready to be a single mom” she now has taken a month to write this letter which still has not been done yet and every time she tells me she forgot about it she acts like its no big deal. She then feels like she needs to talk to me about my plans and offers me parenting advice which I never ask for. She also has made comments about how she “hopes I realize how lucky I am that I can work for a family business.” It’s just very weird and I’ve become uncomfortable. I’m not sure what to do.

  • Sarah

    June 21st, 2016 at 12:34 PM

    Well, it doesn’t sound like a very productive relationship and I might look for someone else who is more supportive of your goals and dreams. You don’t need anyone in particular as a therapist to sign off on your letter for the infertility clinic, any therapist – even one you see just for that purpose will do. They ask certain questions and that’s that. You don’t need their “approval” but they just need to make sure you are thoughtful and being intentional about what you are doing and are up for the challenge. Very standard practice.

  • Dr. Arthur Becker-Weidman

    August 27th, 2008 at 3:01 PM

    Jalaina,

    You make a number of excellent points here. I would like to just under score and amplify one, if I may. As is often the case with children, especially those who have experienced chronic early maltreatment within the caregiving relationship, adults may have difficulty knowing what they feel or experience. In those instances, it is very important and helpful for the therapist (or parent with a maltreated child) to reflect back what that person believes the client or child is experiencing/feeling. When asked, “what do you feel,” you may get, “I don’t know,” which may be true. In many ways, this reflecting back of the emotion and experience is what occurs in a healthy parent-child relationship and is an essential part of the development of a healthy and secure pattern of attachment. The developing infant and child comes to know what the child feels by seeing it reflected in back from a responsive, sensitive, insightful caregiver.

    Art

  • Victoria

    September 27th, 2008 at 5:28 AM

    Hows about therepists who ignore the issues you want to talk about, and press on things you dont regard as important? I had a therapist who kept trying for things in my childhood or family,, and I had to fight to try to talk about what I wanted to talk about

  • Marie

    May 30th, 2017 at 11:07 AM

    This happens to me, too. Not in every session, but a lot. Once I wanted to say how I became angry at some man who stepped into the garden (no fence) against my will….and how it could rely to…probably the men in my childhood. The therapist pushed to talk about another issue which he prepared, so I gave up. It was not that bad… I hoped I could raise it some other time. Many other sessions the therapist started to distract me from the topics I wanted to talk about -all those who were not related to my childhood, usually it ended up by a completely different issue that the therapist talked about (his favorite -sexual experiences, even though I was not in relationship), it was as he wanted to push me into these topics despite my current energy and feelings were somewhere else. At the end of those session I was confused. I could have not talked about what was happening to me. I had left the session with notes about some “other topics” about them I was not sure how these topics was related to my current situation. I tried to bring up my current issue again and again (a fight with the therapist). The therapist said couple of phrases to my share and started another issue…often very mind-related and I gave up. I tried to follow the therapist- topics in my mind.
    I ended in a state of “dissociation” (for those suffering from PTSD) after those sessions. I guess it means that I needed to process my emotional and body experience from the trauma and I was distracted from them into my mind, by also choosing another topic (the one the therapist considered important). Maybe a not good fit for trauma-therapy (however, I kept saying I have PTSD and search for PTSD therapy….I never asked directly :are you a PTSD specialist, do you have any experience ) ? I guess that for different therapist PTSD mean different things, for some is PTSD the one in the “mind”. E.g I am making things up (I am paranoid) and needs to talk it out my head and get me to “get over it”. I am learning that talking about the childhood events is not always a good idea for PTSD-patients/clients, it is far better to use the association, triggers -the current energy and feelings and try to make sense of all these layers.

  • Liza D

    May 30th, 2017 at 2:14 PM

    Just a thought… what’s always worked for me–and was taught to me by the fantastic therapist I finally found 20 years ago–was that when I’m at risk of dissociation I “Stay in the Present.” I focus on what I see, hear, smell, taste, and touch at that moment–I bring myself out of the bad scary past and into the present-day world. My life from birth through my mid-20s was a mess of chronic horrifying stuff mixed in with jolts of new awful events. It would take me 100 years to process every awful memory, and really there’s no need to. All anyone needs to do is to live in the present-day reality as best they can, without being distracted by flashbacks.

    I practiced Staying in the Present many thousands of times over several years, and got more and more and more relief as my reactions got quicker. Now it’s automatic. As I said, just a thought.

  • Marie

    May 31st, 2017 at 5:19 AM

    Thank you very much, Lisa D. It is beautiful.

  • Mara

    October 8th, 2008 at 7:24 PM

    I also have had a few unfortunate experiences with professionals who are supposed to help, and never hurt. My psychiatrist of 9 years terminated by sending me a form letter – she actually just put my name after the Dear… part. That was it. The damage she did – it was one of the hardest things for me to handle. I just can not understand why anyone, but especially a professional, would treat someone like that. Needless to say, I now have more trust issues than ever. Does anyone know if this is something that could be reported? Thanks.

  • Lisa

    October 9th, 2008 at 2:51 AM

    Dear Mara,
    In thinking about the termination through the letter, I have a couple of questions. One, had you been seeing this psychiatrist regularly? ie weekly or every other week? Two, has there been a long time since your last appt. or did you either cancel and reschedule or not show up for appts? Sometimes a clinician cannot have a patient on their caseload who is not keeping appts. It actually becomes a liability for them. They have no choice but to terminate after several attempts to schedule or contact you.
    If she is leaving her practice entirely, a letter may the way she notifies a large case load.
    If you have been seeing this psychiatrist regularly, I would indeed imagine that you would feel hurt by this kind of notification. This is worth discussing with her. She would need to know the impact of this letter on you.
    It is clear though that you do feel hurt by this, so I encourage you to contact the psychiatrist to express yourself.

  • Su

    October 9th, 2008 at 7:32 AM

    has anyone had their therapist ask ‘you don’t mind if i eat my lunch, do you? i haven’t had the chance to, and i’m really hungry!’ i was floored, and so spent my 50 min. w/ her eating a sloppy roll-up. and she was my meds mgmt counselor…. notice i said ‘WAS’!

  • Chelsea

    January 16th, 2017 at 4:28 PM

    Yes! I’m sorry this happened to you, but I also can’t help but chuckle a little.
    I have had a couple of practitioners who have eaten during a session. One ate a Whopper (there was a Burger King next door), the other, an apple. I never said anything, but I was mildly irritated. Is it people’s schedules these days that leave them no time for meals? Anyway, though I disapprove of the practice, I’m skeptical about finding anyone who doesn’t transgress some rule at least once.

  • Abbby

    October 9th, 2008 at 12:36 PM

    I also had a therapist that would sit and wait for me to say something and get mad that I was not working at it. I would ask her if we could draw or do something else that would help me to feel more comfortable and her response would be “we already tried that and that does not work with you” she also said she was not that kind of thearpist and I should go see someone else. As i worked with her futher she changed a lot she was not warm and fuzzy any longer but hard and mean. When she did dump me she said she no longer looked forward for me coming to see her, and i became harder to work with…..blah blah….she also told me that she no longer wants to take sexual abuse cases it’s to hard on her…well, the damage he did was more than I could bear. When I did discuss this with her she told me I have a personality disorder (were did that come from?) out of the blue? put the blame on me. I want to sue her for my money back I’m totally serious..9 years at $100 an hour. and she left me worst than ever It’s a crime to do this to people..how do they get away with wrecking your life and you give them money? she was nice for a long time then turned on me like it was my fault I lost all faith in Therapist it’s all lies.

  • Laura, LMHC

    August 21st, 2014 at 6:50 AM

    Abbby,

    I am sorry that you had such a terrible experience in therapy. I am a LMHC who has been working with survivors of sexual abuse for years. Not once have I made a client feel so uncomfortable. Most of my clients have told me several times how grateful they are and how much therapy has helped them. Please do not give up on treatment. It really does work once you find someone you can connect with. I know it’s difficult to trust in this but it is a way to prove to yourself that you can have this great opportunity to heal and regain some trust in therapy and with yourself. Best wishes!

  • Dr. Arthur Becker-Weidman

    October 11th, 2008 at 3:28 PM

    These have been excellent issues and a very good discussion. I think that a therapist should be cognizant of their client’s process and respond in a manner to elicit a constructive discussion. It is important to be in sinc with the client’s manner and style of relating and to connect with the client and then help the client look at their manner or relating in a therapeutic and helpful manner.

    regards

    art

  • admin

    October 17th, 2008 at 11:12 AM

    As moderator of this blog thread, I decided to post the above comment by Trace because her second paragraph is quite supportive and valid. However, Trace’s second sentence was incorrect and potentially slanderous. I removed it.

    Here’s what she wrote:

    “LCSW are (just) Social Workers w/a Masters Level and not as much experience and are not held to Ethics as strictly as PSYCHOLOGISTS who hold Doctorates. Also, be aware there are some Social Workers who have Drs in other fields.”

    Here’s why I removed it:

    LCSWs can have just as much or more post graduate training in psychotherapy as any psychologist. Also, the idea that social workers do not adhere as strictly to their ethical guidelines as psychologists do to theirs is false and terribly misleading. Not only is it a generalization to speak of any group in such black and white terms, it’s an incorrect characterization about professional Social Workers. In fact, the ethical guidelines for Social Workers are highly respected in the field of mental health as an enormous effort to prevent harm.

    Any other LCSWs or folks from other mental health professions want to chime in?

  • Cormack

    June 8th, 2017 at 10:52 AM

    I am surprised the comment was removed; it does not sound slanderous at all.
    What you said about social workers adhering to their ethical standards as much as psychologists do is of course absolutely true. Ethics standards for Psychologists are simply much stricter in many areas; they are known to have the tightest ethical standards in the U.S. out of any other profession, meaning they can get in trouble and lose their license for a lot more than most other professions, including medical doctors and social workers. I can see how this person’s comment may have been misinterpreted, however.
    I am also surprised to hear you say that some social workers can have as much psychotherapy training as any psychologist. All psychologists have a minimum of 5-6 years of graduate training after college, and most get additional training and practice beyond that before getting licensed. I worked alongside many LCSW’s in some of my past jobs and I have never heard of any of them receiving more psychotherapy training than that. You are welcome to correct me, however, if I am wrong…

    That said, Psychologist or not, so many of your guys’ experiences with the therapists you talk about are remarkably terrible! If you have a problem with your therapist, regardless of whether or not you think it’s ethical, you should bring it up with them and tell them how you feel about it. A therapist should be considerate and able to adapt or find a kind way to explain why it is important they do what they do. If it still does not feel right for you, report them to their licensing board! (All licensed therapists must make this information available to you upon request.)

  • Dr. Arthur Becker-Weidman

    October 17th, 2008 at 12:24 PM

    I would like to echo the administrator’s comments. But before I do, I don’t understand why the administrator posted the material that was deemed incorrect and potentially slanderous? Why not just post Trace’s edited post with a note that parts of it were deleted for the reasons stated?

    In any event, the administrator is correct. If one goes to the website for the National Association of Social Workers and reads the code of ethics it is every bit a stringent, specific, and highly ethical as that of those who belong to the medical professional and psychology profession. In addition, the “not much experience” is also incorrect. Those with a MSW must do an internship that accounts for about half of the required 60 credits. A MA in psychology, for example, only requires 30 or so credits and no internship. An MFT or MA in counseling may have different requirements. To be licensed (LCSW, for example) usually requires passing a National test, presenting verification of a certain number of years experience (varies by state) and letters from supervisors.

    I’d be interested to hear from MFT’s, MSW’s, and LPC’s on this site.

    regards

    art

  • Trace

    October 17th, 2008 at 10:38 AM

    Keep in mind there are differences in Shrinks.

    Investigate alot before you entrust your care, because it’s your Personal Risk you are handing them your mental health. Good Psy. is wonderful, a bad experience affects you for Life.

  • Dr. John Petersen

    October 17th, 2008 at 12:20 PM

    Sure admin, chiming in here about the LCSW vs. psychologist choice, and speaking as a psychologist…. The research is very clear neither discipline is better than the other in terms of therapeutic effectiveness and this finding is across disorders. Years of experience is also not at all correlated with effectiveness. The caution to “investigate a lot before you entrust your care” is fine as long as the client is not second guessing their own judgment. What predicts a good outcome is the client’s judgment of the goodness-of-fit between client and therapist, as well as the client’s judgment of improvement in the first three sessions.

  • Barry McBride

    October 17th, 2008 at 9:16 PM

    Thank you for the site and the interesting topic.
    First let me clarify.
    I’m an MSW in the process of completing my licensing hours (3200) post degree.
    I will complete those hrs in March or shortly after March of 2009 and begin preparing for my LCSW tests.

    In the State of California there is a written and an oral exam. The oral exam is now a written series of Vignettes. I will also take the “single” National Exam. (This is by choice as I work for the federal government and could just take the national exam and leave it at that). But California does not participate in the SW national exam so you MUST take California two exams to practice in California. I still don’t really need to take the exam but it is a challenge so I will push myself to do it.

    It has taken me 6 years (counting 4yrs undergrad) to complete the degree alone. And two years minimum to complete the post degree 3200 hours of supervision. That’s 8 years and now I’m looking at two separate tests (3 actually). Mind you I have been working in the field long before & during my degree quest. As a case manager and addictions counselor.

    Now as for the degree it self.
    It was required that I complete a minimum of 80 units. Of those 80 units not one unit of the internship is counted as a “class” or part of the 80 units needed to graduate. It is counted as Hrs.

    In social work this is a true internship and it is part of the curriculum to qualify for the MSW degree. Very much like the medical degrees.

    You must complete during your degree! an internship of 1080 hrs minimum.
    This is usually completed within two years but in some cases with approval from the academic standards board at the University, you can extend the degree to three years.

    Also let me just say that the MSW degree is still the ONLY degree in the mental health field, except psychiatry. That requires the student to attend a major university. ALL other degrees have online courses that have been approved by their respective boards/professional organizations.

    The standards for the MSW degree are huge. For good reason, the MSW degree is also the oldest mental health degree and profession in mental health, except psychiatry. In the years to come you will be seeing more and more (DSW) & PhD in Clinical Social Work there are many programs now and more coming.

    I have therapist I rely on that is an awesome guy. He is a PsyD and a wonderful therapist and person. I have had other therapists of different degrees but we just seems to be able to connect on many levels and I think that’s what people should be looking for when attempting to get help with very personal and private issues.

    The ability for two people to relate and communicate on even ground with trust and honesty. This process takes time, patience and requires focus on the relationship. Credentials are very important as well as licensing.

    What is a LCSW? ——–
    The American Board of Examiners in Clinical Social Work (ABE) sets national practice standards, issues an advanced-practice credential, and publishes reference information about its board-certified clinicians.

    Clinical Social Work Defined
    Clinical social work is a practice specialty of the social work profession. It builds upon generic values, ethics, principles, practice methods, and the person-in-environment perspective of the profession. Its purposes are to:
    Diagnose and treat bio-psycho-social disability and impairment, including mental and emotional disorders and developmental disabilities.
    Achieve optimal prevention of bio-psycho-social dysfunction.
    Support and enhance bio-psycho-social strengths and functioning.
    Clinical social work practice applies specific knowledge, theories, and methods to assessment and diagnosis, treatment planning, intervention, and outcome evaluation.
    Practice knowledge incorporates theories of biological, psychological, and social development. It includes, but is not limited to, an understanding of human behavior and psychopathology, human diversity, interpersonal relationships and family dynamics; mental disorders, stress, chemical dependency, interpersonal violence, and consequences of illness or injury; impact of physical, social, and cultural environment; and cognitive, affective, and behavioral manifestations of conscious and unconscious processes.
    Clinical social work interventions include, but are not limited to, assessment and diagnosis, crisis intervention, psychosocial and psycho-educational interventions, and brief and long-term psychotherapies. These interventions are applied within the context of professional relationships with individuals, couples, families, and groups. Clinical social work practice includes client-centered clinical supervision and consultation with professional colleagues.
    Adopted 12 Feb. 1995
    All rights reserved.

  • Dr. Arthur Becker-Weidman

    October 18th, 2008 at 2:24 AM

    Dear Barry,

    Very nicely stated. Thank you for taking the time here. The MSW is a “professional degree” (as are the dental, medical, and law degrees, for example), designed to prepare someone for the profession. The MA, MS, and Ph.D. are “academic” degrees. As you mention, the internship standards are pretty intensive and the requirements for licensure are also very stringent.

    regards
    Art

  • Barry McBride

    October 19th, 2008 at 4:25 PM

    Your so welcome Art.

    Yes the MSW degree is just that, a professional degree.
    Which is a little different than an academic degree you mentioned.

    That being said, I do think that it is extremely important that we (in the mental health field) know what others do and what their qualifications/skills/talents happen to be.
    Mainly, for the obvious purpose of referral and using our strengths in the mental health field as professionals to better help our clients.

    We all know people who may be of a different degree or background that excels in a certain type of help they can provide a client. I think there should be more focus on coming together in our profession and using our strengths/talents to help our profession and improve our client outcomes and professional stature within society and with other professionals.

    No one wants to think that they have nothing to offer a client. But, all to often that is the case.

    I think it is imperative that we as profession begin to operate similar to the medical profession. They form medical groups and they have their specialists in certain areas who like what they do and do it well. There should also be some front line general practitioners in our field.

    Mental health groups of all backgrounds would help facilitate this, much like medical groups. I’m a firm believer that all of our degrees and backgrounds are important and have a place in treating our clients. But we all must be able to recognize our own limitations. Whether it is personality, skills, education or personal background.

  • AK

    October 19th, 2008 at 4:42 PM

    I’m giggling about the post that asks about the Therapist who eats. My Old Therapist would make me wait for 20 minutes cause she was starving as I read an old magizine she chomped on her to go lunch..when she was finished she would come out and get me. She would finish our sessions and charge me the same even though she was eating…I asked her “what I have to buy you lunch too?” man after paying $150.00 plus lunch no wonder I don’t see her any more. What a rip

  • Barry McBride

    October 19th, 2008 at 7:59 PM

    I agree AK
    It is a rip—Move on!
    Find another therapist that is a professional.

    Sometimes it takes a few shots at finding the right therapist for you.

    I personally would walk out of the session or prior to the 20min being up if my therapist treated me that way. That’s what appt’s are for it is your time not the therapists.
    No excuse.

  • Ofer Zur, Ph.D.

    December 28th, 2008 at 5:59 PM

    On Dual Relationships. The above statement of “. . it’s generally unacceptable for therapists to have dual relationships with their clients . . . is outdated and inconsistent with the standard of care of psychologists, social workers, counselor, or psychiatrists. Dual relationships can be unethical and illegal, they can also be unavoidable or even mandatory, yet some dual relationships are clinically beneficial. We need to be flexible and learn that the meaning of dual relationships can only be understood within the context of therapy. Dr. Ofer Zur

  • Dr. Arthur Becker-Weidman

    January 3rd, 2009 at 9:54 AM

    Deb,

    I think you make a good point, which is that the relationship between you and your therapist is what is essential to getting help and benefits from therapy. (Always assuming your therapist is licensed and appropriately trained for your issues).

    regards

  • Deb

    January 3rd, 2009 at 8:50 AM

    In regards to the LCSW vs Psychologist …. I admit that I have been wary of Social Workers due to some of my professional experiences with Social Workers … and was quite dubious when I began therapy with a LCSW …. but after 2 years of weekly sessions, I have no qualms about my therapist. I note, however, that it is not so much the training that has been important as it has been the connection we were able to establish ….

  • Alek

    January 6th, 2009 at 8:45 AM

    Hi. Good site.

  • denise

    January 10th, 2009 at 6:24 PM

    I have been seeing a counselor for 16 years for many family events. I cannot afford to see her now. when i told her this she told me that she thought i should not leave therapy. she told me to only pay what and when i could She knows I see another counselor as well through my psychiatrist. I am not sure what to do. I feel guilty but I am more comfortable with her. Also the second counselor keeps her uneaten lunch supplied by the drug reps in her top drawer to munch on between appts:)

  • Doug

    January 12th, 2009 at 11:52 AM

    I appreciate the opportunity to share my experiences. During my 4th brain injury recovery I too was hugged after each session without being asked. I have a hard time with boundaries and confrontation so I discontinued therapy without explanation even though I really needed further help. I am online seeking that help now after 7 years and noticed this blog. Also going way back to high school, the so-called counselors should not be allowed to advise ‘D’ students to “give up on college and go to a trade school” no matter what their skewed opinion is. What I needed was to overcome fear and devise compensating learning tactics. Since then I have earned a 3.7 GPA at a computer trade school, scored a 97 percentile on the nationwide GATB (General Aptitude Test Battery) and had my IQ tested at 149. I doubt those counselors could match that. I regret skipping college due to my fears, lack of understanding my brain injuries and listening to really bad advice from ignorant school guidance counselors. Think about adding the following item to your list. They should not discourage you from honorable goals.

  • Diana Lynn Pruitt, LCSW

    January 21st, 2009 at 7:42 PM

    Dear Denise:
    If you believe that your treatment has been beneficial and you believe in your counselor’s clinical competency, then I strongly encourage you to allow your therapist to work with you.

    I have gratitude for many clients that show dedication and trust in their treatment with me. Some work harder than others, some more internally motivated than others. I strongly believe that I have an ethical responsibility to continue to see internally motivated clients although their ability to pay has changed. Do I owe that same loyalty to those who are only externally motivated? No, because it would be a disloyalty to keep someone in therapy that is not clinically progressing regardless of their ability to pay. If a client is committed and loyal to their treatment, then yes, I would (and have) reduced their fees to what is reasonable for that client at that time.

    As I know the above commits will ruffle some of my collogues feathers, I do want to say I do not believe in “free” therapy because I believe clients must be financially invested in the treatment process even if it is a nominal fee. I believe it is clinically significant to the client’s treatment as well an avenue for me to support the community that I live. In the event that a potentially new client cannot afford the services, there are many community counseling services that receive funding for those who are financially limited and in need of therapy.

    As these economic times have become fragile in the past year, I have had a couple of very motivated clients who have been laid off from their places of employment and they have lost their health insurance by no fault of their own. Many clients have issues of past abandonment with authority figures or persons they had entrusted. I believe that refusing to see them in their time of financial crisis would be ethically irresponsible and clinically would be considered to be an issue of abandonment.

    So, Denise, it looks like you have a great topic for your next session…how has this issue revealed clinical significance on your issues you are addressing in therapy?

    PS-I love this forum! Very thought provoking as a therpaist and excellent real life continuing education. dp

  • PANGOS

    January 26th, 2009 at 2:07 PM

    To add another to the list: A therapist telling you not to talk about certain issues, i.e. abuse, political beliefs, death etc, because they are inexperienced to work with the issue /s, or the issue brings something up for them.

  • Hate BH THerapists!

    January 30th, 2009 at 5:56 PM

    My exgirlfriend’s therapist is too personally involved with her. Didn’t let her go everytime she tried to quit therapy and I was never let any involvement in the process.
    Supposely the woman gave her one diagnosis to then change it. They are obssesed with each other and that leads nowhere.
    Not my problem anymore, thank God Im away from crazyness and I wish now the therapist knows FOR REAL the kinda bullshit she’ll be exposed to from now on…good luck dudes
    Therapists are allowed to do whatever in the world they want and noone can hold them accountable for anything. It is plain bullshit that you can file a complain and hold them accountable.
    Noone should have that much power.

  • phone calls not cool

    February 11th, 2009 at 5:06 PM

    i saw a counselor who answered his phone four times during my session. he kept apologizing, and then taking the calls, making appointments, etc. This is a sign of poor organization in my opinion, distracts from the work at hand, and is terribly disruptive. i was revealing very heartfelt things when he kept having to stop. Enough. If there’s an emergency going on, then tell me before the session. If there is not one, then the likelihood of it occurring and your being able to do anything about it during the 50min we are together is unlikely. Please answer the calls between appointments, at night or in the morning. Being always available is not helpful, and a lot less productive.

  • Mary

    February 17th, 2009 at 5:54 PM

    Dual Relationship?
    Is it an ethical violation for a therapist / licensed counselor to facilitate and pressure a patient/client to move into their apartment-condo community?

    Is it an ethical violation for a therapist/ licensed counselor to socialize and fraternize in the capacity of “drinking buddy” with a patient/ client?

  • denise

    February 19th, 2009 at 8:29 PM

    my therapist keeps telling me to write my feelings. at the end of the session she always wants to copy my notes. i’m not sure why? she also has a tape recorder in her office, when i ask her about it she says its not on but i have seen other tapes on her receptionists desk. why would she need to tape our sessions?

  • Sheri Lynn

    March 22nd, 2009 at 8:57 PM

    I was seeing a therapist for depression, anxiety, and numerous emotional issues. I noticed she did not write down much during our sessions, but I didn’t say anything. When she couldn’t remember that I had a son, or other important things pertaining to my life I wondered if she really was paying attention to anything I was saying. During one of my sessions she asked if I wanted some tea (she was seeing me at her home) as she was going to make some, I said no thank you. She then said “While I’m gone I want you do close your eyes and think of the worst thing that has ever happened to you.” I did as I was told, my mind was racing through so many experiences it was a bit overwhelming. When she returned with her cup of tea she sat down and brought up a completely different topic, with no correlation to the prior subject. I waited awhile thinking she’ll get around to asking me what I came up with while she made her tea, but she never brought it up. I didn’t understand so I said “Aren’t you going to ask me what the worst thing that ever happened to me was?” She replied “Oh yes what did you come up with?” I stood up and said “I come here for help and you cannot even remember important things I’ve shared with you about my life, if I have a child or what we discussed the last time I was here and today you ask me to close my eyes and thing of the worst thing that’s ever happened to me, WHY??? So you could go get a cup of tea, obviously it wasn’t of any importance to you, but I do believe what you just did was one of the worst things I’ve experienced in a long time! This will be my last session.” I have learned a great deal from that experience and what I need from a therapist. I appreciate this website very much, and am glad you posted warning signs to help educate us as patients. Being vulnerable and needing a qualified therapist to understand “YOU” and your specific needs is extremely vital in the recovery from a fragile soul. God Bless you, and may your hearts be healed so you can enjoy the beautiful things life has to offer each and every one of us.

  • denise

    March 27th, 2009 at 7:09 PM

    I don’t understand, I started on supplemental disability insurance and then my therapist all of a sudden after two years wants to start on a treatment plan. I got the feeling i’m out the door. They are also not taking any new medicare or disability patients. I do see another therapists off and on now and they keep asking me if i am seeing her. I think they will drop me if i am. I don’t think they can drop me if i am not see any other therapist, someone told me this was abandonment. I know medicare is next to nothing but my doctor is great but to see her i have to see her therapist so it’s a catch 22 .

  • Giggles

    March 28th, 2009 at 2:21 AM

    I too was seeing a therapist for a number of years. I had a good relationship with this person, and started to heal. As I developed other supports, that the average person would have, such as friends, a faith community and a chosen family, the therapist naturally stepped into the background. Then the friends died, the faith community kicked me out and the chosen family left and moved out of the country. I was still seeing the therapist, at the time, but the therapist has not given me an appointment in over 15 weeks, prefering instead to have me check in by phone (leave a message) and would call me back and leave a message. Granted I was not being charged for this, but found it highly annoying. I had an outstanding balance due, which was scheduled to be paid from the next paycheck and I went out on disability, and the payment was delayed only until the disability payments started coming in. The therapist has now been paid. However things have deteriorated to the point where I no longer feel comfortable talking to this person….all this stuff has happened in my life and I have not had a face to face appointment in 15 weeks or more, and this “leave a message and I will call you back in 24 hours” is a joke. It’s more like if I get a call back, it’s a week or two weeks later. I am grieving, I am experiencing spiritual abandonment, I am on disability and just had surgery, and I can’t get an appointment with a therapist who I have been seeing for a number of years? I am all done

  • kate

    April 12th, 2009 at 10:54 PM

    As a new LPC I am glad I found this forum. I think it is a great way for both professionals and consumers to keep up to date and really see the concerns people are having. What I find so distressing is that many professionals are not helping their clients understand the therapy process, and what its all about. In my own opinion, I don’t believe in keeping people in the dark about what is going on with their treatment, that is beneficial to no one. I am saddened to have read so many accounts of unprofessional behavior. I always encourage people to be informed consumers, and to know the different ways that you can file a complaint if you feel that you have been a victim. I also encourage people to keep the dialogue open if you feel that something is off about your therapist, or your therapy. Sometimes, it can be very beneficial to openly discuss your concerns about certain behaviors, such as the eating during sessions, taking phone calls, excessive wait time etc.
    As an MSed and LPC I had to complete a masters degree of 60 credit hours from an accredited university, plus over 700 clock hours of true internship experience. After this was completed, in order to be licensed by the board in the state of Ohio, I was required to pass the National Counselors Exam,and background check. From my experience I have learned that while there are many different helping professions such as psychologists, clinical social workers, clinical counselors, and psychiatrists, their degree and experience is not always going to tell you how they will be in sessions. How you connect with that person is going to tell you.
    I think every therapist brings something different to the table, just as every client does. Sometimes you won’t click with the first therapist you see, don’t resign yourself to feeling that you are stuck. You have every right to find a therapist that you feel comfortable with. With that in mind though, make sure that you give someone a chance, sometimes it just takes a little time for the therapeutic relationship to grow.
    “We cannot stop the waves from rolling in, but we can learn to surf”

  • Allison

    April 16th, 2009 at 1:09 PM

    I want to file a claim on my therapist, she makes me sick she took advantage of me and raped my soul. How can these so called professionals get away with this behavior…??? I can’t wrap my head around it…why I stayed as long as i did was out of pure malnipulation, she was making me feel like I needed her or I would not surive…what a bunch of crap she had me so stressed out I would pull my hair out in bunches, have night terrors, rip at my feet due to stress, made me go on anti- depressents or she would not treat me any longer ( i did and went off them, witch my DR. told me to) Threaten to take me to the hospital or call the police if I disasociated on and on…I was abandoned by her she was more interested in play acting at the rennaniance faire. I just feel sorry for her clients she has now….

  • Virginia Kelley, PhD

    May 13th, 2009 at 3:37 PM

    Very useful list of considerations and discussion.

    One recommendation I would not completely agree with is the suggestion of getting a therapist referral from your medical doctor.

    In my experience, many or most medical doctors make referrals more on “political” than clinical grounds – they are often likely to refer you to someone they know from someplace, rather than making a referral on the basis of knowing the person’s clinical work. A regular doctor, in my opinion, has more or less no special ability to make a therapist recommendation. And – of course there are exceptions.

    Better – if you know someone who has a therapist s/he likes and respects, seek a referral from that therapist. Or see if anyone you know knows a psychologist or social worker, as these professionals know therapists and their work.

  • John Smith

    May 14th, 2009 at 1:21 PM

    While most of these seem excellent warnings, there do seem to be a number of contradictory examples, or examples that seem too vague.

    I mean it seems like on the one hand you say watch out for the therapist who tries to move you out of your comfort zone and watch out for the therapist that doesn’t.

    Therapists ought to have both the experience and the practical knowledge that allows them to move towards painful issues at a pace suitable to each individual.

    But for us to judge a therapist without the same experience and training seems like it would be too easy to prevent useful therapy from occurring. Often we don’t have the objectivity to judge whether a therapist is being unnecessarily harsh or pushing too fast.

    I guess what I’m saying is there are many things listed that make for sound advice, such as warning against therapists who are unnecessarily rude or attempt to date their patients. However other things seem too close to what could be necessary treatment and as patients we probably won’t be able to judge whether the therapist is doing their job or acting inappropriately.

  • Michelle

    May 14th, 2009 at 8:17 PM

    I think that is somewhat true. However, it is important that as a patient, I click with the therapist. If I am challenged to the point where I don’t care to go back, or I feel a strong sense of shame from the words the therapist uses, and there is no looking into these feelings, just blame coming my way for not being committed…I think I need to listen to my instinct that says, “I no longer feel safe to be vulnerable.” If I can’t let my feelings out, or my inner child feels censored…where the heck is the therapy? When we are pushed too far, and the therapist refuses to back down, there is a problem. The therapist who promotes their own agenda misses the cues. This could happen to any professional, but to not claim or own it is untherapeutic.

  • Jalaina

    May 15th, 2009 at 1:14 PM

    Greetings,

    Usually when a client goes to a therapist, the first order of business is to find out what the CLIENT’S goals are. A good therapist knows they can’t force someone to be something they do not want to be. A good therapist knows that if the goals being worked on, are NOT the CLIENT’S GOALS, the the client will NOT do the necessarry work to acheive them.

    So unless a therapist just wants to knock their head against a brick wall trying to force “what the therapist thinks the client SHOULD want” down the client’s throat…then they will FIRST find out the client’s goals.

    This being said, often the client doesn’t know what they want…or is vague to the point of lack of direction for what they want…or is ashamed of what they want… and so say something “else” as their goal (a good therapist would suspect this, then or soon afterwards, but is NOT a mind reader)…or the client’s goals change during therapy. All of this causes the therapy to not be effective, or AS effective, as both should want it to be.

    SO both the therapist and the client should reiterate often during the course of therapy, what they understand the goal of therapy to be. The therapist should teach this to the client from the start.

    Therapy should help the client, know how to do therapy on themself…and eventually not need the therapist.

    Now, there are a group of clients whose main goal in therapy is to hear themselves validated. This, they feel, gives them the courage to continue. The energy, the esteem to face life.

    Often the therapist will believe that so many other tasks could benefit the client more than just validation…just making the client “feel better” for the moment. BUT, a therapist can not get a client to work on something, IF they do not want to do this. AND, a therapist can’t trick someone into doing the work either.

    At this point, the therapist might feel frustrated about not being able to move forward, being stuck in what they feel is an unproductive level, and the therapist’s “own agenda” might contaminate the sessions.

    A good therapist, will be aware of when this is happening to them. A good therapist will often be in therapy themselves to help themselves face, and deal with their “own agendas” and the “pain” they feel in doing therapy for others.

    (Because beleive me, doing GOOD therapy is emotionally BACKBREAKING work. Which tends to make me suggest that a good therapist will NOT have eight hours back to back sessions during the day. Very few people can do their maximum best work, for eight hours straight.)

    If the therapist trys to confront the client on areas the client has not agreed are areas they want to improve…this may feel like an ambush.

    If the therapist has not prepared the client to do work on these areas, and the client is coming mainly because they want a “PROFESSIONAL FRIEND”, the client may well feel attacked, abandoned, put down, cheated, mislead.

    That client has come to the therapist for one thing, the thing that makes them “feel good”, that is comfortable for them; and the therapist is trying to change the “rules.”

    I personnally think of “feel good” therapy as the kind of “therapy” that a massage is. It makes you feel a little better for the moment; BUT it does not do the prime task of therapy, which is to make you your own therapist, someone who eventually will not need another person as a crutch to cope with the world.

    Some people are not looking for “therapy” per se. They are looking for a home; a surrogate parent, family or friend. A place to dock their boat when life feels stormy, and is out of control.

    They want a permanent place to be told that they are “OK” even if they are not. Told they are “pretty/handsom” even if they are not; or could be better. They want a place to feel soothed, valued, and accepted.

    As for “clicking with the therapist”, I think when people start looking for a therapist, they have to realize all therapists are not created equal.

    No more than you would marry the first person you dated (as all dates would be equal) would the first therapist you saw, have the likely hood of meeting your particular needs and style.

    Also, sadly, sometimes after you have been married for a while, you may have grown beyond your mate, and wish to move on.

    This said, “moving on” is different event, than the client and/or therapist becoming frustrated ; when a client who fears to do the next steps in the path to their goal, leaves the relationship to start over with another therapist.

    The fault here would be with the therapist, because the minute that the therapist starts feeling frustrated, the therapist should re-check to see they are going in the direction the client wants. The therapist should help the client see what is happening in their relationship, not just leave the client wondering what IS going on. (If the therapist realizes that they are not capable of helping the client grow to the level the client wants; the good therapist should offer to help the client find the person who can.)

    Sometimes this means confronting the client, but with the VERY things the client says they want. The goals may need to be re-thought, or new goals added after this is done.

    When the client “faces the facts” that they are resisting moving in the direction they said they wanted to move, this will often be painful. BUT, know this happens in many, many cases.

    People tend to soothe themselves for not being “as good” as they think they should be, by saying they want to be “that good.” When really, what they want, is to continue to do exactly what they have been doing.

    It is the conflict between the conscience and the ID, and is normal. It is up to a good therapist to make this understandable and workable in therapy.

    We have all gotten “STUCK”. One part of us believes in our changing, wants it. The other part finds it embarrassing, overwhelming, and impossible. The good therapist will recognise the battle that both the client and therapy will be in, when “moving forward” is tried, and will be as prepared as they can be.

    Sometimes the therapist hopes the client will have developed enough “trust” in them to move them through the past behaviors and thoughts to the new behaviors and thoughts.

    If the therapist is relying on trust alone, and there is not enough trust established, the client may leave therapy. It will be the therapists mistake, but the client’s loss.

    Everything a good therapist does, SHOULD, be like an indredient added to a recipe. Everything should be with a purpose in mind, and an anticipated result.

    If the therapist confronted the client; the therapist should anticipate the result, AND be ready to deal with the result, they intended to create.

    Before the therapist confronts, the therapist should know the client well enough to be able to anticipate the result. An exception to this would be, if the therapist has not been able to find a way into a resistant client, who may not be there voluntarily, and may use confronting as a tool to try to uncover some insight into what makes the client tick.

    Now, as for ending a session and feeling like you have been hurt, or punished, or shamed…

    In the end, it is the therapist’s job to know the limit of their time with the client. This means, therapy is like doing a load of clothes. You have to know how much time you have not only to wash them, but to dry them. You realize if you don’t dry clothes you have washed, the clothes may mold and be ruined.

    The same is true for therapy, if you leave the client holding a bag full of bad feelings at the end of the session, the client may quit therapy.

    Just so, a good therapist, needs to plan the session so that if painful feelings will be experienced, the good therapist needs to make sure they will have enough time to help the client make sense of all of this and see the achievement they have made by working on the painful areas. By the end of the session the good therapist will have re-established the patient’s sense-of-self, in a strengthen form.

    Ever heard when you are trying to strengthen your physical fitness, that you have to “feel the burn”. Same is true in therapy. You break the muscles down to a degree, in order to rebuild them. AND just like exercise there is a warm up, and a cool down period.

    You will often KNOW IF YOU HAVE A GOOD THERAPIST, mainly by the fact, that at the end of a session, you will feel “LIGHTENED” of some of your burden. You may feel happier, able to cry where you were not before, more hopeful and so on…instead of feeling “beat up” and worse than when they came in.

    This said, IF you have been having a GOOD and productive relationship with your therapist in general, and you have ONE or a few sessions here and there where you leave feeling not much better or even upset; the therapist may have had an off day…like us all. You will need to confront the therapist, each time this happens, and see what THEY say, then act from there if you are satisfied…or not, with their explanation.

    When a therapist gets angry…or has any emotional reaction to something in therapy…a good therapist always explores what is causing this. A bad therapist will say, the client MADE me feel this way. So to have good results, you will not only need a good therapist, but a good client.

    When YOU have an emotional reaction to something that happened in therapy, take a look at it. Discuss it with your therapist. See how they react. Do they help you come to terms with it, or leave you hanging. Geuss which one is a sign of a good therapist.

    It is just a rule of human nature, that people don’t like to change. So, people wanting to grow, need to take a fair look at themselves and ask, am I resisting because I don’t want to do the work? Am I angry because someone is telling me this?

    Lots of people go to therapy, expecting the therapist to do the work. Clients often expect that because they have put in the time sitting there “in therapy” talking and listening, they will come out better, smarter, changed.

    Sorry doesn’t work that way. Therapy is WORK. HARD WORK.

    You face things you would rather not, you experience and re-experience hurt, shame, awful heartbreak. You have to readdress those miserable painful issues that damaged you in the first place. Some of which you did not even realize at the time were happening to you.

    Generally, pain comes before change. It’s like the birthing process. A baby coming throught the birth cannal is not just slipping happily through. It is an exhausting, painful (for both sides) difficult path. Even a baby chicken hatching out of the egg, has to FIGHT to get his new life. In therapy, one attempts to find themselves and “give birth” to their NEW self.

    A therapist CAN’T do the work FOR you. You have to decide what you want, what you are willing to work for. You have to decide how much you can take, at what time.

    You have to tell your therapist what THE GOAL is. So make sure you are clear on what you are telling your therapist you want from them. Another common behavior of humans is to “expect someone TO KNOW” how and what you feel.

    “I told her to go…she should have known I wanted her to stay.” “I told him that presents were not that important to me, he should have known I did not want an iron.” Depending how smart your therapist is, how attuned to who you are, you may have to be very, very specific. “HEY GUY, I’ll ask you what kind of person I am, and you say WONDERFUL!” “I’ll ask you if I was right, and you say YES!”

    Realize each therapist has different tallents, or lack of tallents. One might be intelligence. If you happen to be a gifted person, probably only another gifted person will be able to lift you beyond yourself. It is said, that one can only truly teach to the level they have themselves reached.

    Consider this, all you need to get that degree is a passing grade. Some schools may pass on D students, many pass on C students.. There are only a few A students in any bunch. They show their diploma, not their grades.

    If you were an A student, you may need a therapist that was too. So if you need speed, get a Masseratti, not a VW, to get what you consider a “good” therapist.

    Every body learns best in different ways. Processes information in different ways. We tend to feel best understood, and understand others that function in the manner we do. So you may need to search for a “fit” to feel that you have a “good” therapist.

    Hope this helps finding a good therapist, and getting the good therapy that you want.

    Jalaina

  • Barry

    May 15th, 2009 at 5:47 PM

    Hi Jalaina

    I do agree with much of what you are saying.
    Although grades in graduate school are not the same as in undergrad.
    Here is a sample of grade requirements for grad school:
    The 78-unit curriculum of the MSW degree program provides the mix of academic, experiential, and research experiences essential for MSW degree students. Students must maintain a program grade point average of 3.0 (or a letter grade of B on a 4.0 scale) and meet the knowledge, skill, and professional performance competencies outlined by the program. The minimum acceptable grade for required (core) courses is a B- (2.7). Grades in selective courses must be a minimum of a C (2.0). Courses with grades falling below the standards set for required and selective courses must be repeated. Students are financially responsible for the cost of repeating courses where grades obtained do not meet the minimum standards.

    The minimum grade in regular classes is a B-.
    Selective courses are courses apart from the regular curriculum of your choice.
    This is pretty standard for all disciplines in today’s world.

  • Lifesnadir

    May 28th, 2009 at 1:44 PM

    I am looking for a therapist / social worker who is willing to do telephone therapy and who will bill Medicare. Some professionals believe Medicare will not cover phone therapy, but they do. I just need the Medicare papers to sign.

    Anyone here willing? Or know of someone? (someone good– I’ve had my share of bad therapy before)

    Main issues: 1. prior abuse ; 2. now physically ill, disabled, bedridden and unable to go out to “get therapy” 3. life-adaptations and adjustments as my health condition worsens

    I deal fairly well with my emotions / problems on my own but need some help / direction with some areas. Previously learned coping skills wear out fast when in this kind of life situation; would like to find some new skills to last at least few years more before having to develop another new set.

    Not sure how to connect to someone here (if anyone is willing); possibly the Admin could give my email address to a professional interested in working with me?

    Lifes

  • Zarin

    June 11th, 2009 at 9:25 PM

    There is a psychologist in Vancouver who professes to be a lot more than she is in the field of traumatic stress/psychological trauma. She denigrates other psychologists, although not to their face. She thinks she is the best. She is extremely convincing. She can display BPD-like symptoms and if she apologizes it will be with a very qualified apology – she doesn’t really see anything wrong with what she does. Given she works with people with BPD and personality disorders her own problems should be well addressed. She isn’t even aware of all of them. She never bothered getting professional supervision. Hopefully she is now. She has serious boundary issues and had a serious occurence that happened with a psychiatrist at VGH Out-Patient Psychiatry where action needed to be taken. Some in the therapy community know, many more don’t. They should. Be careful and if you think you are doing therapy with this woman, run.

  • Debby

    June 18th, 2009 at 12:17 PM

    I feel that my therapist has judged me on my weight, being a stay at home mom, and not driving. She asked me what I weighed in high school, I told her, and she said, “So you were bigger than all the other girls.” She said I’m not a real stay at home mom because I don’t drive.

    I always feel worse about myself after every session. She canceled three sessions in about 4 months last year; I had to wait another month after my scheduled appointment to see her again.

    If I wanted someone to tell me what a loser I am, I would call my mother in law. She’d tell me for free.

  • Margaret Connely

    June 19th, 2009 at 6:05 AM

    I have experienced 2 incidents that I feel hindered my therapy. I was in therapy for 3 1/2 years for the treatment of DID with my first therapist. FIRST PROBLEM – I was hypnotized without being informed. I confronted him when I realized it, but it kept surfacing during therapy and I feel contributed to the problem I had with transference because I felt violated by my therapist and kept seeing him as the person who violated me during childhood. SECOND PROBLEM during the 3rd Christmas, I gave him a %50 gift certificate to a book store. After the holiday vacation he returned it and said “Clients with your diagnosis have a history of overstepping boundaries, not that Ive experienced that problem with you in the past, but I think it may be starting and I intend to stop it before it gets out of hand” as he handed me back the gift certificate. That statement made me feel more worthless than I felt before I started therapy, and was the reason I left therapy with him, and the reason I will never have therapy again with a male therapist.

  • Julie

    June 23rd, 2009 at 8:50 PM

    More to add to the “Warning List:”

    Therapist falls asleep.
    Therapist throws a tissue box at you, (instead of offering one).
    Therapist laughs at what you wrote in a journal.
    Therapist repeatedly insists on a specific diagnosis, even when client has proof otherwise.

  • Forest

    June 25th, 2009 at 12:11 PM

    When I was young, I was served liver and onions. It was absolutely horrible. I gagged and gagged while trying to eat it; tears even came to my eyes. UGH

    After that terribly unsatisfying experience I did not conclude that all food is terrible and that I just could not ever eat food again.

    I did conclude that that particular dish did not meet my needs in any way whatsoever and that I would not be going back to liver and onions one more time.

    I do wish that the patients on this list and elsewhere who have had terrible, undesireable, gag-worthy, tear-provoking experiences with therapists would not blame all therapists or all therapy for their terrible experiences. It would be an absolute shame to miss out on Ben & Jerry’s chocolate ice cream with the fudge and brownies in it because I didn’t like liver and onions and decided never to eat again. and it would be a shame to miss out on the awesome opportunities and wonderful growth available in therapy because you had an experience that was displeasing in the past.

  • Kim

    July 6th, 2009 at 11:28 PM

    My therapist….

    feels too maternalistic, protective, weirdly admiring of me. All the offers of ride homes I never asked for or accepted (I don’t drive, it’s a short walk home, etc.), offering her daughter as a house sitter, (Yeah, we turned that one down fast.), asked if my husband could build a dog ramp for her dog like he built for ours, ‘Oh! I’d pay him of course!” He said no.

    She has been pushing ‘The Alexander Technique’ on me and I was wary. She finally was going to pick me up at work and take me to watch her session, I wasn’t thrilled but had a hard time saying no. It might work and I didn’t want to hurt her feelings. The session was canceled by a severe storm two months ago and I haven’t heard from her since. I have a book of hers, I need to return but I’m dreading the session. I’ve seen her a few years now, right now is the worst I have felt emotionally and psychologically w/no outside event (a death of a family member, loss, etc) in my life.

    I keep flashing on her telling me how ‘intimidating’ and ‘Billy Badass’ (Her words) I was when I first came in but now I’m so gentle and soft and tenderhearted, like she BROKE ME, bridled me, tamed me or something. I don’t feel any more subdued, gentle, serene. And, to be honest, I was and always have been as intimidating as the family dog.

    There’s more, (a session w/a visiting family member that went horrible, she lost control of the session in a few minutes and allowed my brother to stay a few hours after I had to leave) but what do you all think so far?

  • Virginia Kelley, PhD

    July 18th, 2009 at 7:57 AM

    Kim

    Mail the book back, or put it in a sealed manila envelope and leave it in someplace where she can pick it up, and send the therapist a note.

    If you have reason to believe that an effort to achieve closure by having a good bye session will leave you feeling worse (pressured, criticized, demeaned, drained) — don’t go. There is no point in making yourself vulnerable in a place you don’t feel safe.

    You should never leave a therapy session feeling bad in this kind of way.

    I’d say the best thing to do is write a respectful letter telling her you’ve decided not to continue your therapy at this time. Either tell her why very briefly — “I am aware I need a therapy situation in which the professional boundaries are managed differently,” for example — or just thank her for her help (even if somewhat insincere) and be done with it.

  • Sally

    July 24th, 2009 at 5:50 PM

    Hi,

    I’ve returned to therapy after having been out of it for more than five years. I’m just needing a sounding board and to figure out some crap but I visited someone yesterday and am wondering if he’s going to work.

    He had TWO phones, his cell and the regular one and while we were doing the initial question and answer eval his cell phone and also the regular line rang constantly. I ignored it and kept talking, but he finished the eval and said he had been expecting an important call and would I mind if he just checked his cell phone real quick and then when he got back we could chat for awhile or I could just come back.

    I said, ok, and he went and came back in like two minutes and apologized. He sat down and we talked for like 20 more minutes but the whole time the phones were absolutely ringing like mad!

    I realize from this site(and I consider myself a pretty experienced client/patient) that I should have said, will these phones be turned off or put in the other room during our regular sessions?

    I have an appt with him next week so I will see, and I will say something if they go off, but I’m kinda feeling like he might not be the right guy.

    Thanks,

    Sally

  • G.M.

    July 27th, 2009 at 11:06 AM

    There needs to be some kind of work shop for therapists on abandoning a client with no resolve or closure, thats just damaging to the client.

    My former therapist decided to abandon me after 3 years of therapy, because I was suicidal and he didn’t want to deal with me any more. He sent me an email making it sound as though I had terminated therapy and now he won’t even let his answering service take a message from me. He use to encourage me to call during a crisis and we would even text back and forth and then one day he just started acting really strange towards me, saying things that would hurt my feelings, but I was never sure if he meant them that way or not and the way he terminated to therapy feels like it was more of a personal attack instead of just deciding he couldnt help anymore. I really think he wants me to be hurt. Its really thrown me into a downward spiral and I feel like all of the progress I made has just been beaten out of me. I dont even know what I did to make him decide he hates me so much. But it makes me question therapy and it makes me leary about trying to find another therapist. I think psychologists should be aware of the impact they actually make on their clients and avoid causing them more harm.

  • Mary McHale

    August 6th, 2009 at 6:00 PM

    When is unilateral termination by a therapist ever ok? Any and all answers could be healing.
    Thanks.

  • Margaret

    August 21st, 2009 at 10:51 AM

    Other red flags:

    Counsellor blames you while making excuses for your family, friends or partner. (related to #11 & #12).

    Counsellor doubts, second-guesses and challenges your EVERY thought, opinion and course of action, regardless of its significance to your issues.

    Counsellor ignores your explicit requests to focus on a specific issue during a session, and instead keeps returning to other issues.

    Counsellor assumes that because you are upset/unhappy about a situation, you don’t understand it and you don’t know what to do about it. (You can be upset about something and understand it quite well and know exactly what to do – these things are not mutually exclusive.)

  • Helbo

    August 22nd, 2009 at 8:54 AM

    My T wanted me to join an ongoing group for “socialization skills”. I had uncomfortable feeling about it, but chalked it up to my needing social skills. Last week I discovered one of our members was a registered sex offender, and my T knew. This was not ever disclosed to me at any time. We found out he reoffended and returned to jail. I suspected this was a sex offence and searched the sex offender registry, only to find a picture of my group member (the member was into child porn), who now has my phone number (we were encouraged to exchange phone numbers). I have quit the group, My T thinks I’m over reacting! I think he acted unethically.

  • tricia csaszar

    August 27th, 2009 at 10:05 AM

    when he or she makes promises to help you in a certain amount of time but doesnt and claims shes too busy to help .
    never ever returns yoor phone calls .
    feeling of dread up to a week before an appoitment then feeling better afterwards the appointment is over

  • tricia csaszar

    August 27th, 2009 at 10:07 AM

    never returns uyour phone calls.
    feeling of drEAD BEFORE AN APPOITMENT , THEN FEELING BETTER AFTERWARDS

  • Michelle Samuel

    September 11th, 2009 at 4:12 PM

    I have been a therapist for 20 years, and I was really upset by this article.
    3. “therapist does not define clearly how she is going to help you” – well, sometimes I do not know at the beginning of therapy how to help someone. It is an unpredictable journey. Sometimes I am not sure what the cause of the distress is. Rather than provide unnecessary explanation, I prefer to continue and explain as we go.
    4. “therapist does not define when therapy is complete” – the goals of therapy change many times during therapy. What is important is to listen to client when he feels it is complete, rather than artifical definition.
    11-12 “therapist blames family or partner”. Well, what about parents that are – or were – abusive physically, emotionally, sexually? What about a woman in a domestic violence situation?
    27-28 – “therapist focuses only on cognition or only on emotions” I start from where the patient is. For highly intelectual and defensive people it may be easy to start from cognition, and later access their emotions. Otherwise they may escape. Others may benefit from starting to deal with their emotions. Why is it bad?
    37 “therapist answers phone”. I am guilty of that. My husband is frequently out of state, and I am the only one who can answer for my children. Of course, I make sure it will be very short yes/no answers. I do not think anyone was ever offended.
    41-42 — you cannot win. You are either too emphatic, or not enough.
    44 – “therapist is affected emotionally”. Am I supposed to be made of wood? Of course I am affected emotionally.
    48-49 – With addictions and compulsions it is more important to learn to control the problem, rather than to “understand” it. Only later it makes sense to understand to causes. i can have therapy with somebody for years, but it will do nothing if he continues to drink.
    Who wrote this article? Is that person a therapist?

  • Dr. Abigail

    September 11th, 2009 at 10:41 PM

    Hi Michelle,
    I read this article and have a total different take on it than you…I think it’s an excellent collection of warning signs. I was so shocked by some of your comments that I felt compelled to defend the author and to protect those people who might be considering therapy from some of your misunderstandings…

    Here are my responses to Michelle’s comments:

    #3 Of course therapy is an unpredictable journey, but the therapist should have some sort of framework for helping people which she/he can share with their client. Too many talk therapists simply let their clients talk, emot, and go in the same circles session after session without ever getting anywhere. A good therapist should be experienced enough to communicate how they actually help people to change. If you don’t have a framework for doing therapy or don’t know how to communicate the basic process you might consider getting some consultation or training to better shape your overriding understanding of how the therapy process works. Seriously!

    #4 If you read this one logically you’ll understand that providing the client with an “explanation of how you will know when therapy is complete” DOES include the therapist expressing to the client that the client may know or feel when the therapy is complete. Too many therapists never talk about the ending of therapy, don’t make termination okay; this is a disservice to the client. You’re right that the therapist cannot predict the therapy pathway in advance, but an experienced therapist will communicate, with good timing, what it could feel like or be like for the client to overcome, move past, or heal specific issues…as those issues arise.

    #11 and 12 There is a difference, Michelle, between acknowledging a perpetrators responsibility and blaming. I think that most therapists would agree that a client stuck in anger and blame is not a client who has healed from their abuse. Sure, anger and blame is often a part of the process, but isn’t the outcome of healing to have moved past the blame and anger?? I think so indeed! A therapist does a disservice to the client by joining with the client in blaming another.

    #27 & 28 I agree with you here Michelle. It’s great to start where the client is at. But I don’t think the author of this article is saying that she or he does not do that. The author is simply stating that it’s a red flag when the therapist “focuses on thoughts and cognition at the exclusion of feelings and somatic experience” OR “focuses on feelings and somatic experience at the exclusion of thoughts, insight and cognitive processing.” In other words, a useful therapist remains conscious of both, takes a middle path, holds a balance… Sure, you can meet a client where they are at, but could it not be useful for someone stuck in their head to learn to be in touch with their body and their emotions?? And vice versa, is it not useful for someone with a histrionic personality constellation to learn to access their more rational and logical capacities?? I would say yes to both, and I think the author here is trying to say that also…

    #37. I think you’re either fooling yourself (denial) or simply ignorant about what goes on inside clients if you truly believe none of your clients have been impacted by you answering the phone during their sessions. I suggest you consult with other therapists about this. I think answering the phone is a big no-no which can undermine the safety of the therapeutic relationship…especially for clients with particular relational woundings.

    #42 and 42… When did this become about winning Michelle? Don’t you agree that some therapists fail to empathize, connect, and relate emotionally to their clients…hide behind the veil of professionalism a little too much? Don’t you also agree that some therapists have their own unfinished business that causes them to have their exiled /unconscious stuff triggered and, in turn, causes them to over-identify and over-empathize with their clients? I think this is certainly the case and I agree with the author of this article that therapists need to be able to open their hearts without over identifying and becoming blended with their own pain….If the therapist can’t stay centered in Self, the client won’t benefit!

    #44 the operative word here is “OVER,” meaning too much… As with many of these warning signs, too much of one thing, is not always a good thing. Of course therapists are affected emotionally, but if the therapists own stuff is getting triggered during a session, then the therapist is going to be less effective… The healthy therapist does his or her own work so they can stay empathetic, emotionally connected, but not overwhelmed, over-emotional, and over affected. Imagine how it would feel for a client to see their therapist breaking down? It’s like having the tables turn, losing the steady “rock” that helped you weather the storm… And now the client is worried about the therapist’s well-being and doubting he or she can help you… Sure, it can be okay to experience tears and sadness for a client and depending on where the client is at, it may be helpful or unhelpful for the therapist to show that he or she was affected and moved by the client…

    #48-49 Michelle, I think you’re confused… The author, I don’t think, would disagree with your statement that “With addictions and compulsions it is more important to learn to control the problem, rather than to “understand” it”… the author is simply stating that it is a red flag when a therapist does one approach without the other…she’s not talking about which approach or focus comes first.

    I think you’re statement, “Who wrote this article? Is that person a therapist?” is fantastically rude of you. Your comments don’t demonstrate that you’ve really understood what the author was saying and I think you’re the last person who should be leaving such a rude comment…

  • Dennis

    September 11th, 2009 at 10:46 PM

    Dam I hate it when therapists talk about how many years of experience they have! You think “years of experience” is going to necessarily make someone a good therapist? Such a bunch of ego BS.

  • Kelly

    September 25th, 2009 at 9:38 AM

    I have just got away from a therapist who embarked nearlly all 50 of the items on this list, he played havoc with my head and i want to say if your going into therapy, keep the list in mind!

  • Kelly

    September 25th, 2009 at 9:43 AM

    well excluding the thing about sexual advances, still clocked around 45

  • Elizabeth Talbott

    October 1st, 2009 at 4:25 PM

    how about a therapist who stops seeing you because you where admitted to a hospital because of sucide threats.

  • Devastated

    October 19th, 2009 at 9:50 PM

    WARNING, WARNING, Therapists who, for their own self-serving purposes, use hypnotic techniques without warning the client (who has severe PTSD), causing the client to black out for an hour and 15 minutes, waking to what sounded like an age regression, being in severe pain and continues to be. Technique verified by a famous professional. Maine OLR did nothing after complaint filed. Therapist lied about session. Lost my job, lost my will to live, lost everything. Therapist assaulted client; her peer group and her supervisor, a well-known psychiatrist all know, and did nothing. Therapist lied about session, but proceeded to drop hints of what happened during that black out session. Since I can’t remember, what the hell am I suppose to do with that? The pain is tremendous. I hope this therapist’s life sucks as much as mine. Someday she will be accountable for what she did! My mother may have raped me, but this therapist committed a worse crime because she was suppose to be a professional; she was suppose to follow the social workers code of ethics! She left me in harm’s way and only cared about herself.

  • Rob

    November 18th, 2009 at 10:29 AM

    I met with a counselor very recently. I found him on a male survivor website.He took 2 phone calls, was 45 minutes dleayed for our meeting as well as pursued his own agenda. He made assumptions about me after 45 minutes, and then made horrible claims as to my intent. I left there feeling raped and more tarumatized then before I got there.

  • Devastated

    November 18th, 2009 at 1:04 PM

    I have found that the national ass of social workers; the amercian ass of social workers, the offices of licensing and regulation; and even the police and attorney general’s office, have no care as to the bad therapy that is rampant in this country. it is always the therapist’s word(who’s right) against yours (and you are always wrong). The therapist can even lie, delete notes, whatever. I think this is an epidemic and the code of ethics is a crock because it seems these therapists do not have to follow or be held accountable. The OLR here in Maine won’t even do anything about a therapist not fowarding records. Here is what they consider a disciplinary measure: a therapist took in a client’s cat because the client was in the hospital. They severely disciplined this therapist. This is sooo much worse than what my therapist did – hypnotic technique causing a blackout and extreme, excrutiating pain. NOT!!!! Who the hell are these a-holes running these organizations?!!!!!

  • Brian

    October 24th, 2016 at 4:25 AM

    I sympathize with a number of patients who have had bad therapist. I had a run in with a very messed up for lack of better word therapist. He also did not believe that I had PTSD. Who is setting standards for these cons. I feel that the medical profession is broken. You don’t know the number of times that I have had doctors who have gone bezerk on me for being 5 minutes late. They have no forgiveness. Once one of my doctors did that, he then had me barred from going back to the doctors office. There is no God.

  • Virginia Kelley, PhD

    November 18th, 2009 at 2:44 PM

    Re: phone – I find it unworkable if a therapist answers the phone during sessions, and as a patient in such a situation the knowledge that the therapist was poised to disrupt the interaction unpredictably whenever she “needed” to answer the phone would make me wary of going into sensitive or vulnerable territory. I think people should be able to count on not being abandoned (during the framework of the appointment time)if they’re encouraged to “be open.”

    I suppose that a patient who truly does not mind is okay with such a therapist. Though part of me also says — some of the people who “don’t mind” may not mind because they are too used to not knowing what they need, which from my point of view is not so great.

  • Frances

    November 30th, 2009 at 11:14 AM

    If your therapists violates the original financial agreement and jacks your fee up to a very high rate and says she has to do it because she doesn’t have a pension.

  • Virginia Kelley, PhD

    December 1st, 2009 at 4:41 PM

    Re: dissatisfaction with a therapist’s treatment of you: my opinion: if you feel a therapist has taken the wrong tack with you in some way, and that the whole thing can’t get resolved in the therapy situation, the most important thing is you and your emotional well-being.
    .
    I would say, if you can’t work it out, leave the therapist and find another therapist who understands your experience and will help you process what happened and move on with your life. By all means tell the original therapist why you are leaving and what you think of her practices, if you feel this will be important to you to help you move on. If you are afraid of getting something back from her which will upset you, on the other hand, like a verbal attack, don’t feel obliged to tell her – the main thing is, take care of yourself.
    .
    I think privacy and confidentiality are necessary for effective therapy in most cases, even though I agree that a downside is the unlikelihood of a patient’s being able to bring sanctions to bear on a therapist for most questionable practices.
    .
    The one thing a patient can do if she really feels the therapist has done something unethical (rather than ineffective, say) is report the complaint to the state licensing board of the therapist’s profession. Though immediate “justice” is not likely, you can definitely have an effect by placing such a report in the person’s file. If others appear, there is the likelihood of a consequence for the therapist.

  • patsycolbert

    January 1st, 2010 at 5:25 PM

    Not sure what is going on with the therapist I have hired to help me “cope” but this person is condescending, totally thinks some of my goals unworthy or just plain unrealistic, told me what to eat, to do yoga, teased me about my age (yeah right), so as of tomorrow, it’s time to move on. A month or two is way too long to spend with this person. A lot of damage to the human psyche is possible. I’m not reaching my goal of no longer being down. But then this person claimed that no one is ever really happy. Why I went back after that is beyond me. The young lady who came out before me looked miffed at this counselor too. Poor thing.

  • Lynn

    January 13th, 2010 at 4:59 PM

    I so agree about the Ego thing with these Thearpists ….I have never in my life seen such Diva’ attitude…I’m the best I out rank her ect. Why don’t they shut up and listen that is what they get paid to do and why we hire them, not to listen to how flippen great they are…Please

  • Mimi

    February 3rd, 2010 at 1:57 AM

    I agree with the list except for (4) and (5). I’ve never had a therapist tell me, in the beginning, anything about the end of treatment (and I think it’s up to ME to decide when I’m ready to end it), and I don’t see why a therapist would necessarily have to consult with other therapists, unless it’s a supervisor but I don’t know if all therapists have supervisors.

  • Angela

    February 18th, 2010 at 10:57 PM

    I have a question I was in therapy with an LCSW and anyway a few months back I saw her in the store I ignored her but I did see her and I told her when I went into therapy that following Thursday that I had seen her and her face was red so she preceeded to tell me that that was because she had just gotten back from Yoga but she never told me where. I joined Yoga because my ice skating coach told me she thought it would help with flexibility so being thoughtful I checked two different Yoga centers being really thoughtful of the one the therapist may be going too and that was on a Sunday. So I went to the one I thought she would not be at and she was there I did not pay attention to classmates or anything and I came in and put my mat down and did the yoga then I looked over at the classmates and my therapist was standing on the mat right by me but I was there before her I even asked the Yoga teacher but she called me a liar and I was not lying to her. So anyway that next week I wanted to respect her time in Yoga so I went to a different Yoga Center with the same teacher and she asked why I was at the different center and I told her that my therapist was in there and it was a conflict of interest and she said yes but then you are paying for two gyms she asked if there was anyway around it and I said I do not think so. So the Yoga Teacher told me she was going to pay atttention and let me know what days she was there that way I could come to that gym but respect my therapists privacy which I wanted to do anyway but instead the Yoga Teacher told her that anyone no matter who they were had a right to be there and she needed to be accepting of that. That following Thursday I came in and she said Angela just so you know this will be our last session together and it had to do with the Yoga and she said nothing I said would change that. She then told me if I called her or emailed her she would not read or listen to the message she would delete it and that if I decided to kill or hurt myself she did not care becasue she was no longer my therapist and that if the Er called she would tell them she was not my therapist. She gave me referrals but no numbers so I looked the therapists up and none of them are accepting new clients none but I Cannot get ahold of her about other referrals what should I do with all this I feel like a failure but I was not trying to cause anything I answered a question that was asked that is all and she left me. Abandonment is hard for me because everyone I had got close to has either left me or died and I told her this and she said the only way she would not see me is if I decided that but I had no idea this was coming and was completely unprepared for it. She then emailed all her therapists in the office and told them they are not allowed to see me using my name without my premission I know this because htat therapist accidentally emailed me when trying to get ahold of my therapist and all the email said is Lindy I received this I assume she is your client how should we proceed but I never told her what therapist I had seen and out of 6 therapists in that office how would she know that it was Lindy I was seeing. I have seen 26 therapists and they all make plans to help me then I leave and they call her and those therapists call me back or email me then and say I cannot work with you what can I do I really need help badly I really need a therapist but no one wants to help.

  • Kathy

    February 19th, 2010 at 12:09 PM

    Angela

    I can totally understand what you are going through..my therapist left me over the phone no warning nada…she wont give my new therapist all my notes (because she will get in trouble) and I have to beg her to get them…I would find a new T tell her what she did to you and file a huge report on her with the help of the new therapist…they love to get other therapist in trouble ..EGO thing! I really don’t understand why therapist do this to clients, they are already hurting and they hurt you more. Good Luck

  • Tracy

    February 21st, 2010 at 3:49 PM

    Hope this can help someone out there, it’s what I’ve learned so far.
    If you decide to file a Licensing Board complaint against a therapist please consider the following when doing so:

    1. Include all information you have include emails,dates of phone calls, copies of your own notes of therapy sessions and ANYTHING else you may have no matter how immaterial it may seem. PROOF is paramount…everything else is “client said/therapist said”. Do not think your former therapist is going to say you are correct in complaining! Many Licensing boards claim to “investigate” a claim, but in fact, they just gather information and assess it. There is not a real “investigation” per se. In many circumstances you probably will not be asked a single question regarding your claim. Licensing boards are also notorious for not providing nearly enough space on their complaint forms for you to provide an adequate amount of written information…just attach it, even if they say to limit it. My State’s form gave one page for information, my original complaint was 3 pages….the appeal was 84 pages total. It included emails, copies of calendars, dates and some content of phone calls and 20 pages of my writing.

    2. If your complaint gets beyond being purely “dismissed”( see the above for possible reasons why, not enough info is a primary reason), but the therapist only receives a warning letter, or similar “slap on the wrist”, and you are not satisfied that the case was properly reviewed/ “investigated” ( there’s a good chance of this as most Licensing Boards are overwhelmed) request in writing a full copy of your complaint file through the Freedom of Information Act (FOIA), You are allowed to receive this information through Federal Law! Then you can appeal your case if you’d like and you will have more information “to go on”. (In many states the complainant is not given any other info from the time their complaint is filed until after the Licensing Board decides the case.) Unfortunately this is your only option unless your case is clear cut enough to go to a hearing, and very few are. After obtaining and reading my case file I realized the therapist had blatantly lied in many of his responses to my complaint. When I appealed the case I was able to provide hard information proving that he lied, in addition to the original ethics complaint. Again, as if in a court case …proof is necessary! A Licensing Board can not base a decision affecting someone’s career on hear-say evidence! . Doing so would not be fair and just.

    3. Do not be afraid to be the “squeaky wheel” with the Licensing Boards investigator. Again they are very busy and your case will sit “in a pile of paperwork” if you remain a silent partner. Call them, ask where the case stands, they will not be able to tell you exact info regarding the case but can tell you where it is in the process. and it will help keep your case moving.
    Do not just file it and forget about it like some people recommend. At the same time do not dwell on it as it is much out of your control, but be involved when needed.

    I hope this info can help someone just starting the process …my case is still ongoing. (It started in November of 2008.) If you do file a complaint with a State Licensing Board be prepared for it to take a very long time! While deadlines exist Licensing Boards tend to be lenient on giving out extensions for therapists getting their records together, and that’s after they already exceeded the deadline. Some therapists are not very cooperative with the process and some are just really not prepared to deal with it from a records standpoint. ( again an FOIA request is useful here…my former therapist became very creative when compiling information to send in!)
    If you have an issue with patience in life…this is a great opportunity to practice it!

  • Susan

    February 21st, 2010 at 4:24 PM

    in theory, this all sounds good, but I did all of the above and more and the therapist got a slap on the wrist. I even went to the attorney general and the NASW (there is a 2 yr time limit for complaints, fyi). The Maine OLR did not investigate or truly read a thing. Later I filed another complaint because the therapist woulld not forward records to new therapist. The whole system is a sham. The OLR of Maine emailed me and said if I ever contacted them again, they would go to the police. Their creed is to be there for the individual’s rights, but what a crock. There is no one out there who cares about what happened to you. And the therapist has the money and lies to get away with emotional rape and assault. Being on SSDI, I can only afford the pills to say goodbye to this stupid f*in world. It’s one thing to be raped by your mother, but then again by a professional (sic) therapist and abused by the system who says they have your back….it’s too much.

  • Susan

    February 21st, 2010 at 4:42 PM

    oh, and I just HAVE to mention. The Maine OLR disciplined, DISCIPLINED a therapist for taking care of a client’s cat while the client was in the hospital. Where I come from, that’s doing a good deed – the client had no one else and no matter the conflict of interest, what my therapist did, she should have been arrested for, but got a slap. My ptsd became severe from what that therapist did and her peer group and a nationally known psychiatrist backed her up. They stick together like the mafia. But I also have proof from a famous professional who has been on oprah several times, of what this therapist did to me. No one cares. I would be better off having cancer….if it’s physical there seems to be compassion. a 58 year old female raped and threatened by her mother and all i have ever wanted was help, but instead i get abuse after abuse.

  • Lifesnadir

    February 21st, 2010 at 9:50 PM

    TO ANGELA from February 18, 2010: Honey, your T has labeled you to other T’s as a “boundary breacher” and “problem”. You are NOT, based on your story, BUT the T has power you don’t have. So I’d go to the next nearest town, if possible. If that’s impossible, then I’d write the facts–short, to the point. “When I found my therapist was attending the same Yoga class, I tried to switch to a different gym (thus incurring double costs). When the yoga instructor asked why I wasn’t going to the 1st gym, I answered I didn’t want to make my therapist uncomfortable. The instructor took it upon herself to ‘confront’ the therapist without me knowing or asking her to do that. My now ex-therapist took offense, and fired me. My only intention had been to give my therapist privacy.” When you interview ANY new prospective therapist, READ the statement from PAPER instead of trying to explain– explaining in the moment can make you sound rattled and scattered. Instead, you need to sound calm and composed. You can say it’s distressing that this misunderstanding occurred, and that you need to get back to work on YOUR GOALS. Don’t focus on the x-T when interviewing the new T… say, we were working on my (depression, whatever) and I want to keep working on my goals; can you help me? Before calling, think of 2 goals, in case the new one asks “What goals?” Example: We were working on better coping skills to use when I feel depressed. (Ts love the phrase coping skills) Or, I was working toward leaving my husband and I still need to develop a plan for how I can move out on my own. (Ts love working on goals & plans to better a situation). I hope you hear that your ex-T has twisted the story to get out, to quit. So you need to twist the story back to the truth while avoiding the appearance of being torn up about the ex & what she did to you. If you come across as real needy or blaming, all the other Ts will be prone to believing HER story and they won’t give you a chance. I still think you need to try a different town, though.

  • Lifesnadir

    February 21st, 2010 at 10:12 PM

    TO SUSAN from Feb 21st 2010: The only thing suicide does is ROB YOU of re-claiming YOUR life. I think our society in general has gotten so nasty, mean, and too many people think only of themselves. Since Ts live in society, they can also become tainted with mean streaks and the “I’ll do whatever I want to–when I want to” mentality. No matter what the mean folks do, they can’t “own” you and they can’t own your Soul. And none of the mean folks will care one iota if you’d kill yourself. So YOU have to care about YOUR LIFE. You have to find the will to find reasons to live. I hear your mom hurt you; that’s got to be one of the deepest hurts to live with. And that so-called therapist hurt you. And there’s probably others who’ve hurt you too. I know how awful and confusing it is to have those burdens and not know what to do next, how to get away from the pain. But…I also know that YOU, inside you, there’s a special lady who can take all the bad things and use the experiences to make a really positive impact in other people’s lives. Find a way to use what happened and turn it around so that you aren’t making SOMEONE ELSE’s bad actions make YOU look or feel badly. Even if you can’t ever make “them” acknowledge what they did to you, you can STILL make it ALL work in your favor. Right now, you feel you’ve lost your power, confidence, hope. But all 3 are still inside you. FIND your positive qualities. Kick imaginary dust in the abusers’ faces and work to re-find YOU. You’re the only one who matters, not them.

  • Susan

    February 22nd, 2010 at 1:05 PM

    Lifesnadir , I appreciate your comments and good wishes. However, if, and that’s a huge IF, I were to ever try to leave this stupid world, it will not be because of the asshats that live in it or have hurt me. It would be because of the tremendous amount of pain I am in. A pain no one can heal or fix. Like I said, I would be better off having cancer. There are days I can hardly make it through….no one gets it.

  • Tracy

    February 22nd, 2010 at 9:14 PM

    Hi Susan

    Under HIPPA a therapist is required to release your records to a 3rd party upon your request

    Here’s a link explaining how to do this and the requirements:

    http://pn.psychiatryonline.org/content/43/8/24.full.

    However as part of most states complaint process the therapist is required to submit copies of your therapy notes….an FOIA request of the full file should include your notes.

    Please remember as well that your former therapist was only one person on this planet, albeit one with many problems. As you know many therapists become therapists because of their own troubled backgrounds. What I’ve learned from my experience is that I am 100% responsible for my life and my choices…even the choice to stay too long in therapy with that therapist.Previously when others in my life (and my former therapist) were throwing up what most people would see as bright “red flags” to “get away” my navigational system was off line and I would stay…and try and make it work. I do not do that anymore. I have learned to listen to myself, and to pay attention to what my body is telling me. The choices I make today are based on loving choices for me, forget anyone else…do what is loving for Susan.

  • Tracy

    February 22nd, 2010 at 9:30 PM

    Hi again Susan

    One more thought…
    Even the most brilliant, caring and compassionate person can not heal or fix you…only you, can heal you …regardless of the depth of the pain you feel… you have that ability…we all do!
    If you want to imagine that you have a terminal illness, then heal that…it’s the same process. Think of how you would accomplish that. All healing… is self-healing.

  • Susan

    February 22nd, 2010 at 10:33 PM

    I don’t know about other states, but here in Maine, I have been told by other therapists and the OLR themselves, that a therapist has the right to decline forwarding records. Just as well, since they are altered and lack the truth. Sometimes I can be a whiner, but most of the time I am a survivor. I raised 3 sons (all doing great); been married to a very understanding husband for 32 years, and am expecting my 3rd grandson. But I have been in pain for over 50 years and for my family’s sake, kept it inside and didn’t take it out on my kids or anyone else. I’m proud of the life choices I have made, but very depressed that I lost my job because of the ptsd (and a therapist who did nothing to help me keep it). My days are awful, but I make the best of them. And I have dogs that bring smiles. As far as healing myself, I have been trying for over 50 years. This is not the place to go into it, but the trauma was so great, I dissociated and healing might just not happen in my lifetime. But I have never given up, hence the fact that I am again trusting another therapist….I think she is number 8 or 9. I do listen to my body, which is the problem. If I was a marijuanna user or could take a pill to numb myself, I would be better off. Sorry this was way too long. I fight the pain everyday not to kill me.

  • Susan

    February 22nd, 2010 at 10:40 PM

    and, Tracy, you might not understand this, but I only stayed with this therapist because she used a hypnotic technique on me w/o warning or permission, causing me to dissociate and thereby raping me of information that she stole and would only share with comments inserted here and there. I stayed because she kept promising me she would take me to the pain and what she was able to find out during my dissociation. Even offering to bring in Dr Claire Frederick, a famed psychiatrist…..the therapist changed her mind because her peer group convinced her she could take me to the pain and “fix” me. But she couldn’t. And when she started yelling at me, blaming me, that is when I got my head together and realized she couldn’t help and found the strength to leave her. And wow, insight is huge when you have escaped that kind of control.

  • Lifesnadir

    February 22nd, 2010 at 11:09 PM

    Susan
    February 22nd, 2010 at 1:05 PM #108

    But Susan, we DO get it. I was emotionally and spiritually DESTROYED by a therapist in 1985. My pain was beyond words, especially because the T had convinced me that not even God would want me around. It took 20 years but I’ve made some progress toward healing from that. BUT I also got injured so I’m in severe, horrific physical pain every day — it’ll be 12 years soon. So *I* do know PAIN. I’m the only one who could fix my mind on living rather than dying. You can switch things around, too, so that the pain isn’t consuming you.

  • Jalaina

    February 23rd, 2010 at 12:11 PM

    Having read a number of posts by people in the deepest distress possible, just a few comments… Please read through this, even if you start and think, Oh no, not that again!

    Frequently the emotional pain that we feel, is so attached to who we are, and what we have been through, there seems no way to be able to separate it from ourselves.

    In instances like this, here are several suggestions that may help.

    (The depth of relief depends on how hard you struggle to go deeply into these suggestions.)

    FIRST. Release your “self”.

    It is very hard to do. Pry the thoughts, worries, grievances, prides that make you who you are, away from yourself.

    You need to have a focus, and reasons for doing this. But this is exactly what many of the people that have sought “real” spirituality or “real” truth have had to do to find it.

    There are certain thoughts that are real, but nebulous and difficult to understand. Keep thinking about them. Keep re-examining them. For instance, Something that is real, has always been and will always be.

    If you want to fill your cup with something better, you must first empty the cup. Do this by becoming selfless.

    A CAUTION. Using a minister or a teacher is like using a therapist…some will have “a” talent, so that others say “what a good man, healer, whatever…

    Be ready, so you will not be disillusioned. These “leaders” have many faults. They may have one or two “gifts”, but they will also have failings. Being a good surgeon, does not mean that you are a good man.

    Often when patients, or students see failings in those they have counted on, they feel that nothing that they have gotten from the teacher, therapist, minister…is valid. The person in pain, throws out the baby with the bath water, and feels even more depressed and hopeless than before…when they realize, their “hope” has lead feet.

    If you decide to seek truth, spirituality, selflessness…you have to remember to use ANY counselor as you would when you go into a garden store, trying to pick plants for your home. Take ONLY what you want, what you like, what can help you and fits…and leave the ugly, the wrong, the diseased behind.

    Occasionally councellors may bring up using a higher power to assist in healing. A superficial practice will NOT help, or not help long.

    To become spiritual is to lose most of yourself. To release the ties that bind you. To diligently seek to understand the way of truth, and love. This is NOT what 99.999 percent of the people in church or pounding the religious texts possess, OR try to possess. Read, study, pray for help in finding your way.

    It is very rare that someone succeeds in finding this selflessness. If you feel hopeless, try selflessness. This does work. But be aware that it is similar to taking an antibiotic to get over an infection. You may feel better after starting the therapy for a while, but if you do not want a relapse, you have to keep on taking your “medicine”.

    I understand that many are so exhausted already, with all that they have had to live through, and even taking one more breath seems to be too much. Here is where PRAYER comes in.

    Ask for what you want. Sometimes the answer will be no. Sometimes you get what you ask for and don’t know it. Sometimes it takes a while to get the answer.

    Be looking for the answer you have asked for. It may come from anyone, anywhere. God, not having lips and vocal cords…may use other people’s. You hear it on the radio. Read it in the news. One of the nice things, is you usually get more than one chance to hear the answer…you will probably hear the same thing several times, and you will realize it in an “ah ha” moment. Thinking that was the answer!

    Be careful, only good comes from God, only love comes from God. If your answer is not loving and comforting to you…keep listening for a different answer.

    Asking for what you want can be dangerous, because often you will get it. Asking for what you want also shows you have not abandoned your will yet, your self. That is why when many pray they leave it in God’s hands to do what is best for them. The trouble with this, is that you often will not see that it has been done…or it is not to your liking. So in the beginning when you are trying to learn to believe…ask for the basics of what you want.

    TWO. Sometimes, it helps in healing yourself, to try to “help” others. Again, there is an element of “forgetting oneself” in order to do for the other what they need.

    THREE. Sometimes in pain management, the client is encouraged to embrace the pain, make it yours. Whatever this means to each one.

    When people experience pain, it is a signal to them to flee, that they are being damaged. In life, often you can not flee what causes your pain; so your mind becomes continually striving to get away from the pain.

    Then what happens is like when a record is played over and over, a deeper groove is made where ideas of the pain and hurt are frequently played. Soon the walls of the groove are so high, it is hard to play anything else.

    To embrace the pain, is to “re-see” the pain in a way that EMPOWERS you. You may celebrate that you survived, or that you carry a huge burden but that you are not beaten by it. Others like runners or people doing exercise go for “the burn”, it says what they have done is special, real, will make them stronger.

    We get stuck in pain, because instinctively we run from it. It takes moving from instinct to intellect, to re-see the pain and to stop the pathological running from it; that takes up all of our energy.

    Some of the martyrs, were severely mentally, physically, and sexually abused for years and years before they were killed or died. I have no opinion on martyrs or saints, but I can only imagine what it must have taken from them, not to let the anguish tear apart their resolve, that they must have been able to stop themselves from fleeing, and re-see what was happening to them.

    FOUR. I have heard and read, that abuse fractures the soul. Damages it, wounds the soul so badly, that the person, though they see, can not see. Though they think they have direction, does not know where they are going.

    Abuse can cause a separation between the person and God. Perhaps because the person can not believe in a God that could allow what has happened to have happened. It may cause an anger against any kind of God that would let this injustice happen; so deep, that the anger against God is as much, or more, than that reserved for those who have harmed the individual.

    Here it is important to understand, that you can not fully understand God or why something happened. It is important to understand that what is required of you is not necessarily to believe..but to choose.

    Since you can not know what is true, you have to decide for yourself, what it is you WISH was true. Do you want a world where the mean, the evil succeed, and get away with anything they want to do…or do you WANT to believe there is more…even though you can not see what or how it could possibly be working.

    Even if the “bad” unthinking world exists. Even if there is no God and we are alone. Are you going to be happier, healthier believing that? Then choose, and make what you want to believe real…at least for you, and those you touch. (For those who are off-put by my not insisting that there is an all powerful God; no one believes because they are told to, they believe because they have found it themselves.)

    You pick the world you want, and then you make it true for yourself, by being the hero of this story. You embrace the pain you have gone through, and you make it a reason, a purpose, a success of survival, a badge of honor instead of horror.

    You may acknowledge, some of your greatest times of growth have been during the worst times in your life. You may acknowledge that while the good times were a great relief, that most of us just tend to be fat, dumb and happy during them…not looking for the path.

    So when you look at horrendous pain, while it is true it can destroy you, if you can find the way through it, it can also create the greatest masterpieces.

    Anyway for what it is worth, add this to signs of good counseling
    -offering a higher path,
    -helping to refocus, find a purpose for, and embrace the pain
    -understanding how helping others increases self-worth, and heals.
    -letting go of the self, to find a larger existence.

    one last bit of info…

    When someone does commit suicide, it gives a kind of permission to all that loved them, that this is an acceptable way to handle their own problems. So when you kill yourself, it is more likely that those that you left behind, will also.

  • Tracy

    February 23rd, 2010 at 5:16 PM

    A long but eye opening article…if you think your therapy experience was bad…check this one out…

    examiner.com/x-20682-Boston-Underground-Examiner~y2010m2d9-RealLife-United-States-of-Tara-Doctor-Alleged-Malpractice

  • typergirl

    February 24th, 2010 at 7:44 PM

    How about: Pushed political Ideology on you? Like Feminist therapists/therapists who are feminist who push very politically specific ideology on you, without giving any information on different perspectives of the same issue. Or therapists who are christian pushing certain political ideology, etc. Doesn’t matter what ideology it is, I HATE when therapists shove their own political ideology on me, during therapy. Suggesting books is one thing, but stating political theory as fact is another?

  • angela

    February 27th, 2010 at 10:23 AM

    Thank you everyone that has helped with my question about the therapist and about turning her into the licensing board which we did we meaning my grandma and I because I was afraid to at first. I went to two therapists this week both agreeing to work with me so now I have to make a decision which is going to be really hard they both have ph.d’s but ones a social worker the other on is a psychologist I told them about what had happened and the one therapist the psychologist said you need help with boundaries um no I think its your therapist that needs help with boundaries you never even said one word to her until she talked to you now thats being the professional. The other therapist said I probably did need help with boundaries because most people that have been abused especially in there own family do need help with them because they have never been clear cut. I just am confussed as to who to see. I wish this could be easy. I have type 1 diabetes and so the diabetes center told me a way to help base it may be to ask both of them if they have experience with diabetics and the one that does choose her but that to me just seems complicated. Any ideas from you guys on a way to help make the decision?

    Please let me know.

    Angela

  • Tracy

    February 27th, 2010 at 11:54 AM

    Hi Angela

    Good for you in going to the Licensing board! Just remember it can take quite awhile, especially if the therapist does not fully cooperate…meaning they can stall and get extentions of time to get their info in. If you don’t feel the Board fully investigates the case do not be afraid to file an appeal, after getting a copy of the whole case through an FOIA request ( you have to write a letter the Board or State Dept.of Public Health depending how it works in yor state) In my case the appeal is taking longer than the original case, but I submitted much more info the second time around.
    As far as choosing another therapist, I would interview one more before making your decision if it is within your means to do so. That way it’s not an either or decision. In choosing the third I would find someone who has a sound medically based background…perhaps an APRN? if it’s difficult to choose between the two it might be that neither of them is a “good fit” for you…do not accept less than you deserve!

    Good luck and congratulations on moving forward!
    Tracy

  • Jalaina

    February 27th, 2010 at 2:04 PM

    Other than being aware that diabetes may cause you cognitive (thinking) problems when your blood sugar is either too high or too low; I don’t see why your therapist needs to be knowledgeable about diabetes. Just let them know you are diabetic, and that stress may affect your blood sugar. Give her/him a list of what high blood sugar and low blood sugar may appear as, if you develop it; with directions of what to do and who to call, if this happens.

    If you want someone that can deal with your diabetes, you will need a “medical” person. You appear to be wanting someone to help you with your feelings, thoughts, life; NOT your medications or side effects of the medications.

    A psychiatrist MD.(medical doctor- first before they studied for his/her specialty in psychiatry)will have medical knowledge; but many of them feel uncomfortable dealing with the medical aspects of patient’s problems because they don’t generally focus on them. They are strong in handing out medications for emotional problems, and usually not as strong in having techniques or abilities to interact with patients about their emotional sides.

    A psychologist, doctorate of philosophy, training is largely made up of studying psychology, and learning techniques to apply their knowledge in that arena. They should have had a good deal of supervised practice in giving therapy, as well as having spent some time on the “couch” themselves to work on any issues they have themselves. I have found the BEST therapists in all areas, tend to have continuing therapy to help them deal with issues that arise in counseling others as well in helping themselves become self-actualized. Ask if they continue to have counseling themselves, or someone they call when they need help to deal with their issues. (just because they go to someone, does not make this someone better for you…they picked them for THEIR needs, just like you are doing.)

    An APRN is an advanced practice registered nurse, or nurse practitioner. There are different specialties in advanced practice just like in medicine and psychology and just any will not do. You would need one that is certified in mental health if you hoped for any type of skilled counseling therapy from her. She would be a nurse first, and should have a basic understanding of diabetes. I do not believe that APRNs receive much training in using therapies on patients while in school, they may attend classes on their own, and then you would probably see a number of other letters, or certifications listed after their names.

    (Please realize, that even if a medical person was trained in a subject, how often they use that knowledge directly impacts whether they remember it correctly or well. Like foreign language someone might have taken years earlier, if they don’t use it, they probably have lost a lot of information they needed to use it correctly.)

    Even a registered nurse is allowed to do counseling, that does not mean she/he knows what they are doing, or will do it well…it ALL depends on the person, THE INDIVIDUAL.

    Social workers at the Masters level, I believe are allowed to do counseling…same problem as a nurse, though they may have received more training in actually counseling and have some guided experience in doing it. ALL depends on the person.

    There are MANY specialties in psychologists, and councellors.
    I STRONGLY suggest that you take a look at the different types of specialties and pick the one that fits you best. There are therapists that specialize in PTST (post traumatic stress disorder), bi-polar disorder, borderline personalities, sexual abuse, family, marriage, children, adolescents, eating disorders and so on. (I’d find out what your therapists thought your main problem was) Find out what training and certification they have in those areas if they say these are their specialties. I can say little green martians are my specialty, and they may be, but without some sort of proof that I have studied and know what I am talking about, what good is it?

    Beyond the type of person you get to help you, do a internet search on their name. See what they may have published, and read it if you can find it. Do they have any professional memberships? Perhaps they have a site where you can read their writings and see if what they are saying seems like it would jive with what you are needing.

    Look at the schools they went to. All schools are not created equal. Look at ALL the schools they attended: undergraduate (up to a Bachelors in Science or Arts) graduate (Masters, and Doctorate levels) and then any postgraduate training they have had (to become specialized in their area, such as a MD going from general to a specialty.) Certain schools are VERY important and produce the best doctors. Take a look in publications, often on-line, of World News and Reports, or plug in “list of best universities they will often give you an idea of which universities are best at what.

    Call the licensing board, to see if they have any complaints against them. Get the “right” board on the phone and ask for suggestions in how to try to find the best doctor. Look up the license number on the internet. Often the boards will publish information on each licensee and you may find it with their name or license number.

    Look on the internet for “best doctors”. There are a number of sites that want to tell you( for a small fee, or sometimes free trial membership) information about the doctors you are considering.

    Ask your doctors, nurses if they know of anyone good, and why.

    Finding the “perfect” pick is going to be as hard as finding the perfect man/woman to marry. First know the basics of what you would like from them, and shop around. I know that may be difficult, but you would not expect the first person you dated to be “the one.” How much less chance are you going to find the “right” person to help you fix yourself the first time. Discouraging, frustrating, frightening, annoying…to have to do all this? YES!

    good luck

  • Sue

    March 9th, 2010 at 8:19 PM

    In my experience, clients should tread carefully when terminating a relationship with a narcissistic therapist. After I foolishly tried to have an honest discussion with my scornful psychologist, he did everything in his power first to keep me under this control and then to diminish me as I struggled to defy him. Twenty-five years later, I still discover aspects of this experience I need to process.

    Paradoxically, the syrupy therapist I saw after Dr. Disdain was equally destructive. She was infantilizing, feeding a dynamic that she was the magic answer lady, and I was the helpless child basking in her munificence. And in effort to be her “good patient,” I fell into a pattern of self-pity and victimhood that’s taking me years to reverse.

    In retrospect, the first business of a good therapist is to disown any claims of omniscience and establish the patient ultimately is his own savior. Even when “guarantees” are not stated, they easily can be implied. Both therapists happily took my money and let me hold my delusions of rescue.

    By the way, a Cleveland Plain Dealer piece several years ago exposed that state licensing boards rule wrong-doing in a shockingly small percentage of cases.

  • Chelsea

    February 14th, 2020 at 5:46 PM

    One of the many things this site accomplishes is to expand our notion of what constitutes bad therapy. We’re discovering the magnitude of the problem. It’s not just the traditional depictions of bad therapists as seen on tv, for example. It’s that so many problems plague the therapeutic community as a whole. Doesn’t have to be the frumpy goofball of a psychiatrist in a questionable facility. It could be a seemingly affable LCSW operating in a seemingly decent venue. One LCSW on another site admitted this: one doesn’t have to look too far to find incompetence in mental health (paraphrase).

  • Confused

    March 13th, 2010 at 12:41 PM

    My session with my therapist yesterday was so strange,I told her I was tired and sleepy.She suggest I go to sleep in her office and this question really shock me,she ask me what time do I go to bed I told her I go to bed around 10:00pm,but I fall to sleep around 11:30pm.She ask me what do I do between 10pm to 11:30pm.This is my fifth session with my therapist,but last session she went all out asking about my personal life,do she supposed to ask patients those kind of questions.

  • Lindsay

    December 12th, 2018 at 5:01 AM

    I am a therapist and I frequently ask people how much sleep that they get, what time that they go to sleep, etc. Many people do not realize the impact that self-care, specifically sleep, can have on my mood and every day life functioning. Therefore, I often provide education around sleep hygiene and ways to improve this. I think it is completely appropriate to ask about sleep habits

  • HalfPrice

    March 13th, 2010 at 3:12 PM

    you could come sleep in my house and I’d only charge half. But no, I think this is very inappropriate. They do ask personal questions and I’m not sure where the line should be drawn….mine asked me when I had sex last.

  • Chelsea

    January 16th, 2017 at 5:55 PM

    I believe there is too much attention given to one’s sex life in therapy, which can be a sign that the practitioner has issues in this area. It may be a carryover from the days of the sexual revolution.
    One therapist, who I was just getting acquainted with, asked me if I was going to Florida for spring break (I was in college at the time) and having sex with a lot of men.
    Another (a neuropsychologist) asked me if I was sexually active and when my last sexual experience was. Though his questions were part of an intake questionnaire, I was only being tested for ADHD, so I didn’t feel they were necessary.
    If your condition or presenting issues can affect sexual interest and performance, then fine. Otherwise, I would advocate keeping the subject out of the session.

  • Confused

    March 13th, 2010 at 4:27 PM

    If my T ask me about when I had sex,I will ask her to see that question. She’s a pretty woman,but i wouldn’t anythig to happen. She seem like the controling type.I try not to do the eye contact thing.

  • Diana

    March 15th, 2010 at 9:12 AM

    Another red flag to look out for, is a therapist who is away several times a year. You may want to ask how much time they take off throughout the year. My therapist loves to travel and he is often gone. Mant times at 2 to 3 weeks at a time. His time away from the office leaves me feeling extremely insecure, at best.

  • chelle

    March 20th, 2010 at 8:48 AM

    Well i went to a therapist the other day and the one i went to see didn’t seem interested in what i had to say, she kept throwing in her personal experience and said i was fine and don’t need to see one. she also turned around and said that she doesn’t know what we would talk about in therapy and doesn’t seem to understand i had alot of bad things happen to me and when i told her things she kept interupting and seemed to be a bit unsure of what she was meant to be doing over all i wasn’t impressed now i have to look for a new therapist as she wasn’t right for me. she also done about 14 of these poor parctice methods so i won’t be recommending that service to anyone thanks for the info

  • Bambi

    March 20th, 2010 at 1:58 PM

    My T is terrible, she argues all the time with me, while I was talking to her on the phone and asked her for an appointment…she said “what you want me to cancell all my appointments and just talk to you on the phone? I said…No, and I did not ask you to do that. I think she hates my guts, she talks down to me all the time..she asked me to please not act like I know everything…I’m only telling her how I feel and what I know about me. Im taking a break

  • Bambi

    March 20th, 2010 at 4:05 PM

    Oh, and another thing….Plese don’t tell a new T about the old T. They will use it against you big time. They will treat you the same as the other one did..after all who are they going to believe?? or please don’t ask your old T. for a summery to give to your new T. I read mine and it was full of lies…they try to make it look like they did there Job that you paid for ,,,,,right it’s a scam.

  • Barry

    March 20th, 2010 at 8:00 PM

    Psychotherapy is a process that has both benefits and risks. It often involves discussing unpleasant aspects of your life. As a result you may experience uncomfortable feelings like sadness, guilt, anger, frustration, and helplessness. However, psychotherapy has been proven to benefit the vast majority of people who go through it. We are dedicated to helping you grow, change, and solve problems. Therapy is not an easy process and there are no guarantees, but most people find that the effort they put into therapy is worth it in terms of building happier, more fulfilled lives.

  • Bambi

    March 21st, 2010 at 9:12 AM

    Therapy is not easy Berry, but when you get a bad one that keeps you a victim, argues all the time, and hates you~ then we have a problem. I understand the process, however it’s very sad that the ego’s get in the way…they know better than you on how you should feel ect. I hate it and I will never trust another one again. They really can reuin your life, and take a lot of your soul and money.

  • Susan

    March 21st, 2010 at 1:07 PM

    exactly, Bambi! It’s one thing to suffer abuse at the hands of family members, but then to go to what you think is a professional who has a huge ego and selfish personal issues, is devastating. Mine used a hypnotic technique on me, allowing me to remain dissociated (blacked out) for over an hour. For her own selfish purpose. She thought she was God and could fix it all. But she did so many things wrong besides that….once calling to cancel an appt and crying on the phone cause she had lost her mother. The woman is in her 60’s and that was unprofessional. She was using my caring feelings for her by doing that. I couldn’t see her for 3 weeks because I felt her loss and felt I couldn’t share my pain when she was in her own. I have severe ptsd and this woman made it worse. And to top it off, the office of licensing and regulation here in maine is a sorry organization for disciplining those that really should be disciplined. There are no legitimate recourses for poor therapy and they are allowed to run amuk! Affecting and damaging lives while they collect money and go on with what they are doing.

  • Sue

    March 21st, 2010 at 1:20 PM

    My perspective is receiving harmful psychotherapy 25 years ago. Initially I did think therapy helped me. My syrupy psychotherapist placated me and gave me an outlet for my bad feelings. I could wear the badge of the poor victim. No wonder I felt lousy.

    Now I understand being the poorest-victim doesn’t help me cope with life. Nor does returning-to-mommy when I was in my 30s, and being allowed, or led, to over-idealize my therapist as the magic lady who would alleviate my pain and solve my problems.

    I think psychotherapy over-sells itself. A therapist at best can only provide tools to recognize self-sabotage or false constructs. (Unfortunately, the first false construct is often the therapy itself.)

    The pain of harmful therapy vs. the pain of growth is distinguishable. The former centers on the therapy relationship: a feeling of being disrespected, poorly heard, preempted, controlled, domineered, discounted or disregarded. Or the therapist feels all powerful, the client weak and dependent. I read that in many of these posts.

    A healthy discomfort centers on the client’s understanding of her life external to the therapy room.

    I trust anyone who took the trouble to find this page and post is correct to question to quality of therapy. Therapists are merely people who have had a few years of schooling. They aren’t necessarily more self-aware than anyone else. They can be bullies, they can be manipulative, they can be over-needy. They can feed their client’s illusions that they are omnipotent and magical.

    I hope someone who feels pain with a therapist can trust her own judgment and find something else authentically helpful.

  • Barry

    March 21st, 2010 at 1:40 PM

    The ONLY person the KEEPS you a “victim” Bambi is you and your unwillingness to move forward.

    For instance:
    If you are mad at someone for a week or two after their betrayal, lying, cheating, or whatever. That is normal…

    But…..If you are still angry at that person and blaming that person for all your problems in life, a year / two / three later… Bambi that is your fault.
    No-one else’s. You have chosen to remain where you are for whatever reasons. These are exactly the things that should be discussed in therapy.

    Therapists are not there to be your purchased friend. You have a professional relationship with them. They are there to assist you. NOT fix everything and make everything better for you. The degree that this gets done is strictly up to you and how hard you want to work on YOUR issues, not the therapists.

    also
    When you say “they can ruin your life” – they can only do that if you allow that Bambi. You are in control of how your life proceeds and whether or not you are happy.

    Bambi, if you are that unhappy with your therapist simply move on. Every doctor is not the best doctor in the world or the right one for you. But, because you ran into one that you don’t like or agree with why would you punish yourself by stopping your growth & therapy.

  • Sue

    March 21st, 2010 at 8:34 PM

    “Bambi that is your fault.” Ouch. I can think of many kinder ways to say that.

    Untangling bad therapy can complicated. If we see the therapist as our one safety net, then cutting that loose feels dangerous. Like the woman summoning the courage to leave an abusive spouse.

    Like Bambi, I carried hurt from therapists–for years. The therapist’s bullying was like an accident I continually relived. For years I continued to peel away the complicated layers of the experience.

    Psychotherapy has taken the image as a panacea today. Getting a divorce? Lose a job? Suffer a trauma? Go the therapist. We have godlike expectations of therapy because that’s the image we understand. My two therapists, the syrupy earth mother and the bully, did nothing to dissuade me they were going to solve all my problems. I started a dependent puppy dog at their feet and that never evolved. When the bully threatened with the dire consequences if I left his care, I empathized with him rather than own my feelings. I wanted to be a good client so I could get well.

    After some psychotherapy years later I left again and since got much better results with body therapies. There are many ways to heal.

    If someone is stuck in a damaging therapy I’d tell her to trust her own feelings and compass. The client pays the bill– it’s only for the client. If it hurts, leave it and consider it a giant step toward taking charge of ones own life. That taking charge is what healing is about.

    I understand Bambi’s anxiety. I was terrified to leave my bully therapist. I obsessed and hurt for years. Ultimately I’m glad I did.

  • Sue

    March 23rd, 2010 at 2:51 PM

    “The ONLY person the KEEPS you a “victim” is you and your unwillingness to move forward…that is your fault…You have chosen to remain where you are for whatever reasons.”

    Though I understand this message, I would feel belittled by its tone and would receive it iatrogenically.

    I sense in this communication an absence of insight into the subordinate construct. In 40 years since leaving the family of origin, I worked diligently to dismantle my submissive responses, continually finding how intractable they are.

    Delivery is as important as the message. When the subtext was scolding, disdainful, superior or infantilizing, it reinforced my disempowerment.

    I never “chose” to remain paralyzed but found hierarchical hard-wiring is a stubborn critter to unplug.

    In essence: Easy to see the next guy’s mistakes. Less easy to help him.

  • Susan

    March 23rd, 2010 at 5:22 PM

    wow….I had to use a dictionary for your message, Sue :). “iatrogenically”? Well, I think you were trying to be comforting but with too much smarts :). Barry, it’s obvious that you ARE a THERAPIST or you wouldn’t have said what you said in the WAY that you said it. How crude and cruel. Intense therapy is complicated at best and leaving a therapist is not always easy….not too mention the brainwashing that occurs with some therapists. In my case, I stayed only because my therapist held the key (after hypnotically blacking me out w/o my permission) – she knew what had happened and I stayed to get that answer. When, finally, I saw it wasn’t coming from her, and she continually lied….I gathered my wits about me, but it took every ounce of strength to not be the victim AGAIN, as I had been with my mother. Funny, the therapist has convinced herself that I need to maintain ties to her (what an ego), because I emailed her a few times requesting the information she has. Fortunately, I am now in a healthier and better relationship with a newer therapist, but not without having seen 7 more before her. Barry if that is the way you talk to people, you should see someone about that!

  • Barry

    March 23rd, 2010 at 6:32 PM

    Ditto to the following:
    In essence: Easy to see the next guy’s mistakes. Less easy to help him.

    Thank you for YOUR interpretation.

  • Barry

    March 24th, 2010 at 5:09 AM

    Yes its terrible that I don’t agree!
    terrible, terrible terrible…

    Stay stuck if you like, happiness is your to have when you want it, your in control.

  • Sue

    March 24th, 2010 at 8:13 AM

    Susan–I cheer your forthrightness and agree wholeheartedly. I wasn’t trying to trying to show off a vocabulary. I was stating a gut reaction… clinically. (Though after what I’ve been through, iatrogenic is a good word to know.)

    “Yes its terrible that I don’t agree!
    terrible, terrible terrible…”
    I would receive this iatrongenically as well. I concur with Sue’s assessment of the efficacy of your ministrations and recommend further exploration of unresolved power conflicts.

  • Lifesnadir

    March 24th, 2010 at 8:52 AM

    Barry wrote: “Stay stuck if you like, happiness is your to have when you want it, your in control.”

    I think every therapy abuse victim would say the one thing bad therapists stole was the ability to be in control.

    Unfortunately, “new agey” quips won’t and don’t solve the problem, Barry. Neither does cognitive therapy type “quick fixes” like “You can choose to be unstuck.”

    Triggers to the bad therapy experience re-trigger thousands of therapy abuse victims. For example, my ex-T took me to a quiet farm to do rage-reduction therapy (clue 1 for bad therapy). As I tried to stand up from the blanket, he grabbed my ankle and pulled me down, and pushed me face down onto the blanket where we had just before been sitting to do ‘therapy’. He shoved his hand onto my back, pressing me into the ground/blanket and reached his hand beneath me to my crotch. I fought but couldn’t get away from him. Fast forward to 23 years after that event…. I was sleeping and rolled into my belly in my sleep. As I woke up, I ‘flashed’ to the images, sights, smells, feelings and the utter powerlessness I felt that day. It took me hours to shove “him” out of my head (AGAIN).

    TV commercials trigger… I knew no one but that therapist; I’d just moved to a new town. A lot of his abuse, ending with the rape, occurred before Easter. Now, even 23 yrs later, TV commercials for Easter season trigger ‘thoughts of him’. I hate it. I’ve tried everything.

    No, happiness is not simply thinking one is happy and thereby becoming happy. I know how Ts take control and power away and my T still intrudes in my world now, 23 yrs later. It is not as simple as Barry would like to believe. Barry has obviously never had his rights trampled or his body and mind violated by sadistic, egotistic, and power-hungry bad therapists.

    No, Barry, I don’t believe life is “terrible, terrible, terrible” BUT what some Ts do to clients IS very terrible!!
    Blaming an ex-client for still hurting from what a T did or said IS blaming the ex-client. I know *I* never in a million years thought MY ex-t would RAPE me!!!

    But he did.

    And I’ve spent a long time healing from what he did to me. I take responsibility for healing from what he did, but that doesn’t erase or remove the fact that he raped me.

    Blame the victim??? NO.

    Blame the bad therapists for what they did? YES.

  • Sue

    March 24th, 2010 at 10:30 AM

    I have little confidence generally in psychotherapists to have rudimentary insight into client-therapist boundary issues. Whenever the subject arises, so many of them become frightened and protective as witnessed by the example above. Literature and discussion are scarce. That therapists do damage appears to me taboo to discuss.

  • Bambi

    March 24th, 2010 at 11:14 AM

    Thank you guys for the help…I think Berry is my Therapist sounds just like her…! reading “his” posts I realize I need to get a new T. “his” response are hurtful, I wonder why he is so angry and bitter,maybe in the wrong field of work. Blaming the victim is a cop out for not doing your Job right in the first place.

  • Susan

    March 24th, 2010 at 11:48 AM

    Lifesnadir, I am so so sorry for what happened to you. Sometimes you can’t trust those around you, but when you see a professional, you already have a level of trust established just because they are who they are. What happened to you was so wrong & I understand completely how you continue to suffer from it. I hate sex offenders so much, priests included, that I would like to see some ethnic cleansing – shoot them on the spot. I am a female sexually abused by my mother – I have suffered for 50 years and it is not from my lack of trying to get better. When you have ptsd (which I think you do) and pain that comes from the core of your soul, it is not a matter of “be happy, get over it”. Those people are just plain ignorant. I wish good things for you only.

  • michelle T.

    March 24th, 2010 at 4:18 PM

    Listening to these posts reminds me that we all become triggered by others. I had the experience of having core issues triggered in therapy, and it has taken a long time to unpack it to the point where I can let go more and more of the shame of quitting with the therapist. I found a therapist who is trained in Hakomi, and it has been life affirming. I can begin to look at my coping mechanisms without so much shame and guilt. I would highly recommend a therapist with this training, it is refreshing not to be on the blaming me, or blaming someone else pendulum. I am able to stand back and say, “Yes, I quit this therapist, yes, this happened to me, yes, I can feel the vulnerability and pain in this situation, AND, I don’t have to wear a scarlet letter on my chest for it anymore.” Don’t give up.

  • Sue

    March 30th, 2010 at 12:30 PM

    Any therapist who scolds us, patronizes us, who leads us into feeling beholden to him is not being a healer. If he leaves us feeling shamed, stupid, dependent or inferior…that he is more powerful, magical, wise or holds answers to OUR lives…is not healing. Anyone who leads us into self-pity…is not healing. So is self-reflection to the extreme of not functioning.

    I thought one therapist was helping me (or making me) feel better. Now I see I was follower to her guru. I feel scammed in a way.

  • katheen

    April 10th, 2010 at 5:19 PM

    My son is transgender. I found out a few months ago. I had been seeing a therapist on another matter and i went to her to talk about it and the first thing out of her mouth was”DID YOU SEXUALLY ABUSE HIM? Should i have walked out? I just said no and we went on from there.

  • Susan

    April 10th, 2010 at 6:49 PM

    hell, yes, you should have walked out. But I don’t think many of us would…..however, I would look for another therapist asap!. Shame on that therapist for saying that….if she had those kinds of concerns, she should have approached it in a different way, not just blurted it out. Transgenders or gay people may or may not have been abused. I was sexually abused by my mother, but I am strictly heterosexual. It means nothing, imo. good luck.

  • Virginia Kelley

    April 10th, 2010 at 9:26 PM

    That therapist is not competent. There is so much wrong with her response.

    For one thing, it is very ignorant for a therapist to start looking for an explanation at all of someone’s sexual preferences or gender orientation. No one educated believes that these things have causes in the person’s past, or that they are things that need to be explained and fixed.

    For another, it is also ignorant and incompetent for a therapist to have some proposition in his/her mind that various things were “caused” by sexual abuse. Don’t stay with anyone who either asks if you abused other people OR tells you you were abused and don’t remember it.

    For another, and this would come first, really, this person entirely failed you, her patient, when she did not focus entirely on your thoughts and feelings about what you were talking about.

    Sorry this is going this way if you are attached to that person. If you don’t live in a place where there is a community you can find that is intelligent about these topics, I think you are better off finding an online forum for the parents of transgender kids than talking to someone who’ll impose some made-up “theory” on you to put herself at ease.

  • S. Lynnn

    April 10th, 2010 at 9:44 PM

    I went to my appt. on Monday, I have not been feeling really good about my visits for a while…Man, this women is a cold hearted, non-feeling, piece of work. I’m still in shock of what she said to me in my session..she balmed me for getting abused, she did not listen to a word I said to her. I poured my heart out and she said….I have to leave and go home now…OMG are you kidding me??? when I was leaving she said ..so, do you want to come back next week? I left sick, ashamed, bruised, very sad..WOW..talk about getting abused..I came up with the only thing I could think of and I think she just hates me and wants me to quit, I can’t think of why she would have it in for me..She does things to me on purpouse, when I call her in a complete distress or e-mail her she does not call me back or she calls my work and when I miss the call and call her back, 2 minutes later after waiting for 3 day’s she let’s it go to voice mail when I know she has to be there…then she tell’s me…I called you back and I did try…Why are you up-set??? she is a sick lady with some huge problems!!!! I’m not paying her for that session last week..she can sue me for the money…I never seen a women DR. behave in such a manner talk about getting abused again

  • Tracy

    April 11th, 2010 at 7:04 AM

    Kathleen and S. Lynnn

    Please consider that these therapists are giving you a “gift”, the gift of learning to know that your intuition is screaming at you to get away and not hang around in a situation that does not serve your highest good.
    If you were “abused” as a child you may have the habit( at least at some level) of thinking that situations like those you mentioned are “normal”. Both of those therapists seem to use the technique of “blame the victim” which is rarely effective when used by an incompetant( perhaps sadistic) therapist. There is truth in it, when used appropraitely, in seeing that you keep yourself a victim by attracting the same scenarios (including finding and staying with abusive therapists)to heal the original abuse issues. ( I did it too!)
    I’d suggest finding a new therapist with clear boundaries
    who has done their personal work,(this may be easier said than accomplished) who can be there empathetically and compassionately for you, but holds you responsible for your actions( or inactions) that keep you stuck. This is NOT saying you are responsible for being abused, but you are responsible staying stuck in abusive situations,that as an adult, you do have a choice to leave…staying with an incompetant and negelctful therapist would fit that category.

  • Chelsea

    January 16th, 2017 at 6:29 PM

    Tracy,
    The so-called laws of attraction as they relate to bad therapists are, in my opinion, a doctrine employed by the New Age movement that unfairly projects blame onto clients. Finding a bad therapist is not necessarily the result of the laws of attraction. Referrals can be obtained from any of a number of means: the yellow pages, medical offices, word of mouth, etc. Are those in need of therapy somehow supposed to intuit from an entry in the phone book that the therapist they are about to see is no good? What spiritual poppycock. On the other hand, if a client has misgivings about a therapist, but continues to see them, that’s a little different. However, keep in mind that the client may be suffering from depression, low self-esteem or other issues, and may have difficulty finding the resolve they need to sever ties. If the relationship is abusive, the client’s ability to extricate themselves from the situation may be hindered or delayed.

  • Sue

    April 11th, 2010 at 9:22 AM

    I’d urge anyone who has found a way to this page, whose therapy mainly generates self-doubts, dependency and bad feelings, to leave the therapist. If discussing conflicts will only upset the doctor’s fragile ego, leave without discussion. It can be painful, but there is healing in getting away from these frauds. Therapy is supposed to be helping us.

  • Tracy

    April 12th, 2010 at 2:26 PM

    Inspired by this topic in my personal life and in the conversation here I have posted a page on facebook called “walk way from bad therapy” Please feel free to visit or join.
    The page is for those who have experienced harmful,neglectful and perhaps even abusive treatment while in the “care” of a mental health professional. It is intended to be supportive in nature for those who need to walk away from bad therapy.

  • Sue

    April 12th, 2010 at 6:56 PM

    Thanks Tracy, I just joined you there. Though I’ve “walked away” some time ago, I still have layers of the experience I continue to explore. Several years ago the “Therapy Exploitation Link Line” put me in touch with a couple of women with whom I corresponded. I found that was helpful.

  • chelle

    April 26th, 2010 at 10:47 PM

    I have recently been sent to counseling, but my therapist wasn’t very good at dealing with my issues. She told me I need to make better friends and join lots of groups, the problem there is I suffer from anxiety and confidence and self esteem issues, she then told me to just go on medication and I really don’t need the help of a counselor, I feel so ashamed after the way she treated me, she never even took my issues seriously and kind of laughed when I disclosed very important issues to her, she even told me there is no way my child hood issues would still affect me today but they still do. She always turned up late for sessions and never gave me the full time I was told I would get. I’m even scared to find another therapist in case the same thing happens again. Maybe she was bored of listening to me because she couldn’t even remember things I had told her which meant telling her the same thing in every session.

  • Sue

    April 26th, 2010 at 11:18 PM

    In my experience, it’s important healing to walk away from therapist who made me feel bad. There’s a choice of what follows, whether going to someone else, taking a break, or getting confidence from another modality including exercise yoga, etc.

  • kate

    May 8th, 2010 at 2:44 PM

    I see a psychiatrist and have for 10 years, i just counted them up now. I actually see her for med checks. I have seen a therapist for about the same time. that was for childhood abuse. she wasn’t in the same practice and about 3 years at my psychiatrist suggestion. I see her for Dialectic behavior therapy. I really like her and she helps a lot. but she helps me with anxiety issues. Now I go to my psychiatrist who read the therapist notes and decide that since now I’m having problems with my husband I should see a Licensed drug and alchohol counselor in the practice for a few times. So I did and it really did help with understanding my husbands drinking.So I have am not sure if i should drop my therapist that helps with childhood abuse and concentrate on my current issues of continue seeing them both. While still contemplating this and not being one for change I go to my psychiatrist who did not really say much about it although she did comment “You know I have been seeing you for a while” so I am totally confused, was that a clue that she is going to dump me now that i am on disability? Now I question all my therapies.? what do I do?

  • Dolores

    May 12th, 2010 at 4:45 PM

    I saw a therapist for 4 years, the first year was ok. after that I was going through chemo and radiation. During that time my therapist told me about her divorce and asked me to do absurd things for her, which at the time I did. I also helped her further her career. One day without warning I walked in and was told she couldn’t be my therapist anymore. She claimed I new too much about her life, she was the one that told me everything. I reported her to the Bd. of Misconduct, after 8 months my case is still pending. I had more then enough proof as to what she did. It amazes me how they can let a person like this to continue practicing.

  • Susan

    May 12th, 2010 at 5:21 PM

    welcome to the club! These regulatory groups, such as the Maine OLR are a joke. They neither investigate nor truly look at the damage done by the therapist. All you have to do is read the SW’s code of ethics and realize just how many therapists have violated it. All my therapist had to do was tell lies and she was believed…she is the professional and I am a piece of shit. She used a hypnotic technique on me allowing me to dissociate for over an hour and the Maine OLR did nothing (tho I had as much proof as was possible) – not even investigate or talk to her peer group and her supervisor (a famous psychiatrist, btw) – all of who KNEW what she did. You know who they did discipline?! A therapist who kindly watched a client’s cat while he was in the hospital. Say what?!!! I lost my job, am on ssdi and am in excrutiating physical pain everyday because of what this therapist did. I hope she is having a hard time living with what she did.

  • Tracy

    May 12th, 2010 at 5:26 PM

    Hi Delores
    If it helps at all…my case is ongoing now for 18 months!
    Congratualtions on having the courage to report the actions of this unethical therapist and please keep posting your story wherver you can! Creating awareness in the public eye is paramount in letting folks know that they do not have to tolerate unethical behavior of therapists! Licensing Boards are supposed to be protecting the public and vulnerable clients and it seems far more often they protect the interests of the so called “professional”. Unfortuanately,a therapist will rarely lose their license for less than a criminal act…and even then…some therpists are only suspended or placed on probation!

    So keep fighting the “good fight”…you will be at least satisfied in knowing that you acted in your best interests and helped yourself as much as you could…and perhaps you will be helping others down the line avoid mistreatemnt by an unethical therapist.

  • Susan

    May 12th, 2010 at 7:14 PM

    oh, I’d like to add, too, that it seems to me there are so many bad therapists out there who are using their sessions to benefit themselves. Two examples: the one therapist I was seeing that dissociated me, in the last year of seeing her (4.5 years), she called, crying on the phone, because her mother had passed away. Professionally she should have contained her emotions and said she had a personal emergency and had to cancel our session. I was so upset, I couldn’t see her for 3 weeks. Not to mention, she’s in her 60’s for god’s sake…get over it. She also had a habit of disclosing alot of personal info about her kids, other clients, grandchildren…I knew more about her family it seemed, then I did my own. Another therapist I saw, in just the second session, she, trying to compare her emotional distress to what might be wrong with me, told me of the day she was driving her car, had to stop at the crossing guard….she waved but the crossing guard didn’t wave back. This upset her for several days….then she asked me if I was feeling the same way about life….well, let me tell you, stupid therapist, my mother sexually abused her 8 yr old daughter. Two sessions, and it was abundantly clear to me, the skills and needs of that particular therapist!

  • Sue

    May 12th, 2010 at 9:17 PM

    A journalist told me that only a minuscule percentage of complaints before state boards result in disciplinary actions.

    My own complaint, concerning my psychotherapist who became hostile and insulting when I tried to terminate, not upheld. He account painted me as thriving brilliantly under his masterful care until I tried to initiate termination. Then he portrayed me as a borderline wacko unable to distinguish him from my parents. He talked about the “difficulties of this case.” What about “you’re not helping me; I want to quit” is difficult?

    The grievance board was too obtuse to grasp the inconsistent logic in this account, apparently. In fact my psychotherapist later joined the grievance board himself!

    I challenge therapists who care about ethics to go back and re-read some of those discarded complaints. There’s a lot to be learned by actually listening to clients.

  • Isabella

    May 17th, 2010 at 10:47 AM

    I am in a family counseling type situation with my husband, child and mother-in-law. My MIL has been diagnosed as having severe depression/bi-polar. There are many details which prohibit us from walking away but we have to stay and deal. She is a volatile person. My problem is our therapist is also an elderly woman and has decided to take on my MIL as a patient one on one along with our family visits. We feel she has become very biased with her and they have a rather close relationship now. She coddles her. Everything to constant emails, hugs, e-cards, and sending us condescending emails which include criticizing my husbands feelings. She even breached his confidentiality and told my MIL with in minutes via email what his thoughts were on a particular situation. The therapist wanted to ‘warn’ her so to speak. During my MIL’s manic ‘high’s’ she even tells us were are supposed to trust her and give in when we don’t feel safe even to deal with the horrible out lash of her then, severe lows. Once the therapist even told is via email that she was really hurt and having a hard time with is because she was dealing with the anniversary of her mother’s death. And this is our problem how?? We are so stuck. IS she violating major ethics here??

  • CandyA

    May 17th, 2010 at 6:12 PM

    Therapist talks down to you. “See you’re learning.”

    Give me a break doctor.

  • Jose R. Miranda

    May 20th, 2010 at 9:38 AM

    Thank you for making this list of 50 warning signs and red flags. I strongly believe that you should also make an online list of warning signs and red flags of a bad CHILD psychologist. Here is a list of what I feel are red flags and warning signs of a BAD child psychologist. If a child psychologist does any of the following wrong doings, the parents need to seriously consider another therapist for their child.

    1) The psychologist is the parent’s agent and advocate, siding with the parents and always wanting to please the parents, even if the parents are wrong, even if the parents are ignorant, even if the parent’s whims and wishes are inapropriate, unhealthy, and not in the child’s best interest. The psychologist is the parent’s agent, stepping on the child, and violating the child’s rights, including the child’s right to recieve true help, all with the cheap and flimsy excuse that “the parents are the ones who are paying” or “the parents are the ones who made the decision, not the child”.

    2) A good psychologist has as a therapeutic goal the child’s HAPPINESS, and all things that are in the child’s best interest, and for the child’s well-being. A bad psychologist tries to “fix” or “repair” the child, so the child will be “normal” and as the parents want their child to be. A bad psychologist is more concerned with the child being “normal”, more concerned with pleasing the parents, and less concerned about the child’s happiness.

    3) Ignorant, insensitive parents with less than honourable intentions think that a child psychologist is a person who “fixes” or “repairs” a child, so the child will be “normal” and as the parents want the child to be, and have the flawed and mistaken belief that taking the child to the psychologist is just like taking the car to the mechanic. A bad psychologist is the parent’s agent, and promotes this attitude in the parents. This is the belief of bad psychologists and bad parents, but I am an intelligent, educated man, and I know better. A child is not “fixed” or “repaired”. A child is HELPED.

    4) The psychologist is a CHILD psychologist, has a specialty in children, but does not love children, respects adults more than children, seems to forget that children are human beings, and focuses on pleasing the parents, rather than helping the child. If the psychologist does not respect children, then, frankly, the psychologist has no business working with children !

    5) The child psychologist seems to regard a child as an object, a thing, perhaps even as a laboratory animal, rather than as a human being. The child psychologist respects the adults, the parents, more than the child.

    6) The psychologist is an arrogant academic, looks down at children, and performs with children research that is unethical, or research in which the children are hurt or harmed.

    7) The psychologist relies too much on play therapy (therapy with toys). The psychologist thinks that play therapy is the only option with children, and underestimates a child’s capacity to talk about her/his problems verbally. Fact is that a child, even a small child, has the capacity to talk about a problem verbally, with words, and a GOOD psychologist knows this. I believe that venting feelings and talking about a problem is much better than playing checkers. A GOOD psychologist tries to have verbal communication with the child, and takes out some toys only if the attempt to have verbal communication failed. Every good psychologist knows that children are capeable of talking about a problem with words, not just with play. A bad psychologist does not seem to know, or to care.

    8) The child tries to discuss a problem with the psychologist. Once the child finishes talking, the psychologist forgets about the child, and once again listens to the parents. The psychologist listens only to the parents, not the child. This is WRONG, because there is always a component of the information that only the CHILD can give. A psychologist that only listens to the parents is not getting the full picture, and is in a poor position to help the child. A child has the right to be heard, to be believed, and to be taken seriously. A child is a human being.

    9) The psychologist is an insensitive person who does not validate a child’s feelings, including anger. The child expresses anger, and the callous and insensitive psychologist shamelessly says to the child: “You are putting on a show”, or shamelessly tells the parents: “The child is angry. She/he looks so cute”. This is very callous and lowly by part of the psychologist, the psychologist who does this should be ashamed, and should get a life ! A child’s feelings, including anger, are REAL feelings, and these feelings must be RESPECTED and VALIDATED.

    10) The psychologist is respectful and cordial with the parents, and disrespectful or rude to the child.

    I feel that if a child psychologist engages in any of these wrong doings, even once, the parents should discontinue their child’s treatment with this unqualified person, no longer take their child to this unqualified doctor, run away, never to return to this unqualified doctor, and seek a better psychologist for their child, for the good of the child, and of all the family. A bad psychologist can do much more harm than none at all.

    As a child, as a little boy, my parents had me in “therapy” with a bad psychologist. I did not improve. The TRUE reason why I didnt improve was because Dr. D (the psychologist) was a bad psychologist. Unfortunately, my parents, in their ignorance, have always had the mistaken belief that I did not improve because I had no remedy, because I was hopeless, which is not true. I prayfully hope that my parents will stop being so ignorant, that they finally realise that Dr. D is NOT a good psychologist, and that in relation to Dr. D, my parents finally see the light. If only my parents would have had me in therapy with a good, competent, qualified psychologist, I KNOW than then I would have improved.

    Later on, at age 17, and in my final year of high school, I entered my very first TRUE therapy with a psychiatrist, a man. This time it had to be a psychiatrist because I was mentally ill, and needing medications. I told my psychiatrist about my childhood experience with Dr. D, and he agrees with me in that Dr. D is not good. I FINALLY recieved help, for the first time, at the ripe age of 17. I finally recieved TRUE help, LATE.

    Dr. D is a lousy psychologist. Her PhD in psychology is too big for her, and nothing but a bastardised badge. Dr. D, get a life !!

    Jose R. Miranda, from Puerto Rico

  • Annie

    May 25th, 2010 at 10:04 AM

    I successfully sued my former therapist in a court of law. This man was posing as a therapist and was a minister. I sued him and the church he worked for. He was posing as a Jungian Analyst and I had therapy with him for two years. Needless to say, it was a nightmare filled with false memories, sexual innuendos, emotional abuse and lies. I also successfully stopped him at the licensing board in my state, as he was eventually attempting to become a licensed mental health provider. The entire ordeal lasted 4 years, but in the end, he has been stopped. My advice to anyone who is getting therapy is to take your own notes after each session and write down what transpired. Save any voicemails and emails also. These are the things that won my case for me. This is a GREAT list you have provided and I wish that I would have seen this when I first started therapy. I had to learn the hard way.

  • lor

    June 14th, 2010 at 2:13 PM

    Hi everyone I got a goodone…today my Thearpist sent me a letter telling me we don’t fit..this is after not answering my calls or e-mail put me in turmoil and crisis after saying….”how many personalties are there? 2-3?” I’m like what??? then going home thinking I’m Sybil totally up-set for a week then she knows I’m up-set and tells me oh it’s no big deal you just dissociated that’s all…a week later after being abandoned by her…right….I will take this to court and get a case going…she can’t do this to people and get away with it.

  • Tracy

    June 14th, 2010 at 6:40 PM

    Hi Lor

    It is ok for a therapist to “fire” a client if they know the “fit” is not good, and in the long run you are MUCH better off! ( Sounds like she knew she screwed up with you and had to extricate herself)
    However she should have offered you a referral and her termination procedure is qustionable at best
    Definitely file a Licensing Board Complaint, so that way at least you will get a a file started on her.
    Good Luck!
    Tracy

  • Cynthia

    June 21st, 2010 at 10:45 PM

    Does this sound right? my T. told me in a session how many are there of you 3-2? ( huh?) she left me in pure terror for a week, she did not answer any of my e-mails or calls asking her to help me figure it out, why she should say that, I was scared and felt so abandoned by her, I stayed up late on the internet for a week trying to find out what DID was and what she was talking about, Sybil? really? that is what I paid you for? to make me feel like utter crap..? I just moved my Rest. to a bigger location did it all in 3 weeks…I’m exhausted, then one of my employee got caught smoking pot and hiding he said..”im scared of you that is why i did it” I said good I’m your boss and not your friend, I have a ton of money invested in this and your lucky I did not call the cops…I had a Aha moment, because I said that to my T. I was scared of her. I wrote her and told her about what happened this was her response…She Did not know about the pot thing because that was not the point, it was the scared thing…Dr. ______response ” I dont think that a boss has the right to abuse her staff, it’s a trade off you pay them and they work hard for you, that was not nice of you to do that to him you are wrong how dare you do that. WTH..? I went to see her that day in total confusion, I told her the whole story…the moral was, I was scared to come to Thearpy because of what you would say to me or find out..that was my aha moment..instead she dumped me with a note to read in private, then came the e-mail that I sent her for the year after I told her please don’t I have to much stress…my Dad is dying, I’m opening my business, her leaving me, feeling abandoned..ect…nope she sent it and more!! It’s like she hated me so bad that she wants me to suffer..and of course she sent it when she is gone on vacation…nice…her last email to me? oh I will never leave you, you can get as mad as you want…I will still be here…nice

  • Sue

    June 22nd, 2010 at 8:53 AM

    Cynthia, have no credentials here, but I’ve gone through the bad therapy wars, and this is what I’d tell a friend. A bad therapist is doing a client a favor leaving them. Much better cutting things off than staying in and REALLY messing with someone’s mind. Ethically, she’s obligated to refer you to another therapist, and the fact she didn’t PROVES she doesn’t have her act together.

    As for “Sybil,” no competent therapist would say that. So irresponsible. So unprofessional. (Multiple personality disorder now is discredited anyway.) Every normal person has many sides to a personality.

    You sound like a highly competent person. Running a restaurant, moving to a larger location (in three weeks!), managing employees. You’re in the world doing things, she’s s mess. Maybe that’s HER problem.

  • Lifes

    June 23rd, 2010 at 1:47 AM

    Re: Sue’s post #168 June 22nd, 2010 at 8:53 AM:
    Multiple Personality Disorder or MPD was *NOT* discredited. They revised the criteria and re-named it Dissiciative Identity Disorder. Many people diagnosed in the 1980s still use the label “MPD” since to them it makes more sense personally.

    Many people tried to “discredit” the story of “Sybil” and the real woman the book was about. Maybe that’s where you mistakenly thought MPD /DID was discredit. But the woman known as Sybil did have MPD and her personalities manifested throughout her life.

    Some Ts have an “awkward”–at best–delivery when broaching the subject of MPD. “How many of there are you?” or using MPD to blame the client for doing something they did not do, but “Was it another part of you.” Even someone with MPD/DID would resent that kind of comment(s).

    As always with Ts, ignore what doesn’t fit; run from Ts who try to insist something is true that is not true.

    Lifes

  • Sue

    June 23rd, 2010 at 12:37 PM

    Lifes, thanks for offering that information.

    But happily we agree on the “bigger picture” situation that the poster’s therapist slapped a disturbing label on her.

    Cynthia, from your account, I would flee that therapist because she sounds like an antagonist, not an ally.

    In layperson’s terms, I’d call what she did gaslighting. I’m curious if there’s terminology when a therapist uses categorization as a weapon.

  • DolensVita

    July 27th, 2010 at 8:23 PM

    hey Jose from puerto rico – you received “good help” at the age of 17, “late”. I’m 58 and I have never received good therapy and fortunately my life is coming to an end. you should be grateful for receiving the help at all let alone at the age of 17!!!!!!! \

  • LifeSucks

    August 3rd, 2010 at 9:37 PM

    for ALL therapists: didn’t have the consideration or the balls to say you couldn’t help me; that I was out of your professional reach. You allowed me to leave thinking I was to blame. You didn’t give me any referrals knowing I was in harm’s way. the cherry on top of whatever my mother did.

  • Lois Muir-McClain

    August 5th, 2010 at 5:00 AM

    As a therapist with a profile at GoodTherapy, it is sad to read some of the posts where clients have been treated poorly or even damaged by their therapist. I think one important thing to look for is how open the therapist is to you bringing up your feelings about them. Are you able to be honest? Can you discuss with your therapist what they said at the last session that hurt you? A good therapist will allow for these differences of opinion, and be willing to face his or her own misinterpretation or shortcomings. A good therapist can admit that he occasionally makes mistakes or perhaps is sometimes wrong. This shows his ability to learn and to grow right along with you.

    Of course, sometimes the therapeutic process is a painful one; it requires remembering sad events, grief, and making difficult changes. But a skilled therapist will realize when the change is healthy and when he or she needs to slow things down a bit to allow for some “catch-up” or breathing room. Healthy change takes time, and pushing someone too quickly to change can be detrimental to the process and the therapeutic relationship. Even if you sometimes feel annoyed or even a little angry with your therapist because he has brought up something that “gets to you”, in good therapy, you should still feel that ultimately you can trust the therapist and that he has your best interest in mind.

  • RR

    August 5th, 2010 at 10:31 AM

    In reply to Lois Muir, I wish some therapist took the time to think how you do. I was just Terminiated (hate that word) from my Therapist, the last session and phone call she reminded me that it’s ok and to trust her because she will never leave. Well, the next day an e-mail came with a note that read “I sent you a letter” in the letter it read: I tried my best with the fruits of my education to help you, I can see this is not working and we are not a good fit (done) I’m sicken, I’m sad, I feel abused, I feel depressed, I feel unwanted and ugly, I feel used, I feel so, so hurt. I have tried many times through e-mail to see WHY? and get some kind of answer. Her refferals are not taking new clients, she left me stuck in full blown crisis..I told her what happened to me being sexually abused by my last therapist for a long time. I never wanted to tell because of the shame, she was a woman therapist and would get me to dissiocate and get real little, then act out her “mommy issues” I told her what happened in therapy, as I was telling she just stared at me, then she said are you done? I’m hungry and you have to leave…I got up feeling so ashamed walked with my head down and cried in my car for an hour. I asked her for the process notes she said I can come in and she would read them to me..BUT, she woud only do that if I bring in another therapist I’m working with (Huh?) I don’t have one and she knows that. She won’t give me a correct dianogise I guess I have something…So what kind of therapy do I need if she wont tell me what is wrong..Why is this ok..how can you go see someone for a year tell her everything..she leaves you with nothing but numb. There needs to be rules on client dumping and the Psychologist needs to be held responsibe..after all they took an oath, “DO NO HARM” hummm, she needs to put her arm down. She reuined me, they both did.

  • Mark

    April 10th, 2017 at 10:12 AM

    WOW!!!! I’m sorry for your horrible experience. I can see that I’m not the only one who has experienced similar mistreatment. Too bad these “non professionals” can’t be held accountable more easily.

  • Sue

    August 5th, 2010 at 12:35 PM

    It’s comforting to the profession to attribute negative outcomes on client resistance, or that other biggie, transference. Talk to consumers however, you’ll hear all manner of toxic behavior by therapists: anger, eruptions, diagnosis as weaponry, and a carnival of manipulations.

    The rupture here is much deeper, unfortunately, than change-is-painful.

  • LifeSucks

    August 10th, 2010 at 11:16 AM

    Lois, you are out of touch with reality. There are so many therapists in private practice who are not held accountable for the treatment (sic) they give. The violations of the ethics rules is rampant. I’ve been abused by several therapists, but the one that did the most damage used a hypnotic technique on me w/o permission or warning, causing me to black out for over an hour, dissociating. This therapist got her jollies from assaulting me. And when she realized she couldn’t help, she got rid of me. I am in the most pain ever and cannot wait to die. Assaulted by my mother sexually when I was 8, but can’t remember, only have pain. The therapist found out from the session what happened. She stole (raped) my most intense, private and personal pain from me. And sent me on my way w/no referrals. After I was able to clear my head some, I realized what happened and even got confirmation of the technique used, but the OLR did nothing, not even investigate. The therapist had me arrested for sending emails. I lost my job, am on ssdi. But she can walk into a court and afford lawyer fees, just to say she is afraid for her safety. Give me a break, I never leave the house. But I have no rights, my letter to the court was ignored: be present or have a lawyer!!! This woman should be arrested for what she did to me. I will suffer the rest of my life for what she and my mother have done. And I have no control or no way to get help – and believe me I have tried. She did exactly to me, what ‘supposedly’ my mom did when I was 8. Thank God, I am 58, smoke like a chimney, sit on my ass….just a matter of time and I will be able to leave this f’in stupid selfish world. It’s all about other people and their needs, never mine. That therapist will one day have to be accountable to God for what she did & she and I can rot in hell together. AH! If I was her, there is no way I could live with myself after doing what she did and then not making sure she set me up with someone who had the info she stole and the training to help me. If I didn’t think suicide was wrong, I wouldn’t be here now. A therapist w/o a consience is a therapist who does not truly care. The lies…..unbelievable!

  • R. Renee

    August 10th, 2010 at 2:01 PM

    to life Sucks:
    I went through the same thing as you with my T. she would make me “go away” and then assult me. When I moved away from her she terminiated me. It took 1 year and I went back to therapy this lady hated me and I really think she did not beleive me, she was condinsending and mean, she terminated me too because I would take everything personal. I have to tell you something, I fought a fight not to go see anyone again, never I give up, I want to die ect. then I got the courage to fight againest her abuse with a private attorney pro bono, they are out there. I also found a loving “healing” therapist that I just started going too, all she had to say to me was ” I don’t want you to suffer from the pain she caused you, let me help you, give it to me” I felt a warmth come over me and I knew she was there for me and I could tell her and I was safe. Dont let this ugly monster win…Fight…and if that get’s you know where find someone to help you fight…you deserve a great life free of abuse and hurt..give your 8 year old a chance to live a happy life…she has been hurt enough…give your adult you life, your here for a reason make it happen.

    RL

  • LifeSucks

    August 10th, 2010 at 3:36 PM

    NO! I appreciate your empathy and story, Renee. But, NO! First, I filed a complaint with the Maine OLR – they didn’t investigate and I bothered them so much, they threatened me with calling the police! I wrote the NASW…nothing; I wrote the ASCH – it was my fault. I have been yelled at by the police; the courts won’t listen. I have written several lawyers…no one will take the case, because they say it is too expensive and hard to prove; it would have to be pro bono; they also say there is a 3 yrs expiration (6 yrs for kids). I don’t know what the hell my purpose is here on this f’in earth, but I have tried it all. It is too late. Twice I have been put into a situation of having no control or help whatsoever. I feel like God doesn’t love me, but he sure is watching out for those around me. I have been in a cloud (for protection) for 40 years; that therapist stripped away the cloud, which now sits above me & I am in pain every f’in day. It hasn’t escaped me that I have a 33 yr marriage; a husband who has made me feel safe – why I married him, not for love…that wasn’t in the cards. I have 3 sons who survived me as a mother and now have 3 grandsons. I have been to more than my share of T’s after the bitch that assaulted me. Having cancer at least would mean, people all around working to help me and people that care. There ARE NO THERAPISTS out there that can deal with Mother/Daughter sexual abuse. Here’s to my not waking up another day in this hell hole.

  • LifeSucks

    August 10th, 2010 at 3:40 PM

    oh, btw, here in Maine, therapists are like the mafia. They stick together like a clan. Trying to see a therapist to HEAL from the abuse of a therapist…..no – they defend the therapist’s actions or they don’t believe me. Period! It has been 9 years since that therapist assaulted me and I am in just as much pain as the day she did it. And I’ll tell you what, that therapist offered to bring in Dr Claire Frederick (famous, look her up – she has a nice shrine for a website). But the T’s peer group convinced her she could go it alone. Dr Frederick should be ashamed for allowing this to continue when SHE knows the truth.

  • Sue

    August 10th, 2010 at 3:46 PM

    To Life Sucks: You CAN get through this. To me, it takes the realization that the guru is a fraud. I fire my former therapists as authorities and reframe them as the self-deluding desperate-to-keep business bozos they are.

    They made promises they could never deliver. They’re snake oil salesman. I was conned at the carnival. No lover, and certainly no therapist I PAID TO HELP ME now is deserves my self-sacrifice.

  • R. Renee

    August 10th, 2010 at 9:18 PM

    To Life Sucks..I know how sad you are because it happened to me too. Not only was I abused when I was a kid I was also raped at 4. Then trusted a therapist to help me, I trusted her for 10 years….she did her mommy issues on me and tried to re-parent me. She made me beleive that she was the hero that saved me from the bad men…Well, not only that she then terminated me on the phone…then 1 year later the Psychologist does it to me knowing I went to her for the anger issues and the thearpy abuse…she did it with a letter,,,the day after I told her my story. So, the moral here is this…God loves you, he saw what happened to you and Me, he knows, he cares, he will take care of it in his time. Go LIVE..you have to do that for me, you need to fight this hurt, find someone to hear you, step away from the computer, when you feel hurt and sad take a walk scream and cry but don’t dwell, you needed a Mommy and she was not there for you..the therapist took advantage of you and me and that is very sad…But we have to Live and thank god for our blessings. If I read what I’m saying to you a week ago I would of thrown the computer at the wall and said right this is impossible…but, I found someone to listen..I haven’t told her yet, but in time I will, I’m starting “slow” and I DESERVE to heal me..I was just dumped by a Dr. who hated me for a year…but, the person she by accident told me to go to just saved me…Trust again, I know god will send you your Angel. I would love to compare our terribe experiences…go to Tell Thearpy . org God Bless you and Life no matter how bad it is does get better, I promise.

  • LifeSucks

    August 10th, 2010 at 9:52 PM

    Renee, I couldn’t be happier for you. Tho few and very very very far between, there ARE t’s out there that are good. I am glad you have found a new life and a new purpose. Good for you! I mean that. Right now I am more about justice, getting the truth from that session. I have fought and fought and fought; there’s nothing left. I refuse to try and find another (underline) T. It has all taken too much out of me. Unless I am being helped, I get worse and worse and have more and more pain. Best to just take the meds & try to bury again the pain. Really, what life is there @ 58 when you have no friends, have lost your job, have even been traumatized by being arrested for sending emails? You are either younger w/more days ahead, or you have motivation to have good days. I do not. I’m not even interested in eternal life. Will check the site you mentioned.

  • Sue

    August 11th, 2010 at 11:31 AM

    I also contacted the site: therapyabuse.org/
    and they put me in touch with resources. I’ve shared experiences with women who also are going through their own recovery from destructive therapy. For everyone I’ve talked with, it IS crazy-making (I feel SO hurt and deceived) but paradoxically, there can be a healing to it.

    I think therapists damage us by pretending to reparent us or save us. They don’t have magic powers. I think the most another person can do is give us a little guidance creating our own lives and helping ourselves. Therapists are selling something that don’t have to sell.

    I find more things to help myself feel better-exercise, walks, (beginners) yoga to videos, making something good to eat. There are shooting stars tonight.

    I bet there were many good and capable things you’ve done, and done for yourself. It’s a matter of not letting false prophets define us. My therapist made all kinds of threats about the consequences of leaving him. He defined me as the ultimate friendless screwup. Yeah, right. The consequence of leaving him was HIS checkbook.

  • Sue

    August 11th, 2010 at 11:45 AM

    I also lost my complaint. The therapist admitted the nasty he said, they were to “challenge” me. And my negative response to them was “transference.” Oh, and I was thriving brilliantly under his magnificent care until suddenly I slipped slipped from reality under the hypnotic influence of “transference.” The complaint board bought his story. No justice. He later joined the complaint board.

    Nonetheless it’s my life. I’ve had a long struggle to deflate his authority and see him as an unqualified narcissistic man not ethical enough to let a client leave.

  • R. Renee

    August 11th, 2010 at 12:20 PM

    To Life Sucks,

    I found what your looking for, please go to www healing hearts.org go to the radio show that keira love was on…listen to the 2 part show…she will give you some excellent advice. She is a therapist now who was abused by her therapist. There is hope, there is healing you just need to find the right contact to help you and I think she can…she has an e-mal on her site, I would send her an e-mail and TELL her, that is a positive move to move forward to healing.

  • LifeSucks

    August 11th, 2010 at 3:02 PM

    yes, R, and I am strong enough and capable enough to recognize bad therapy or therapy that isn’t going to help me….sometimes it only takes a visit or 2. When I saw one therapist who’s day was ruined and she was devastated because a crossing guard did not return her wave, I knew I was in the wrong place. But I have huge objection to a T who assaults and emotionally rapes you when they cause you to black out, stealing info you have kept inside and protected yourself from. You have no control over that and there is nothing you can do about it; if you remember and can talk about your trauma you can work on it. If you are assaulted by a therapist in Maine, you’re shit out of luck.

  • Diana

    August 11th, 2010 at 5:09 PM

    I’ve been on Blogging Therapy for several years now. I initially enjoyed reading professional options and comments regarding ethical issues that arise from time to time. Unfortunately, I haven’t read a professional blog entry in months.

    Over the past year, it just seems like Gootherapy.org it is an avenue for unstable individuals to rant and confirm why a therapist will no longer work with them or way they lost the complaint they filed.

    I would like to make a request that GoodTherapy.org take a closer look at the mission of the website or do a better job at selecting what posts they put through Blogging Therapy. It only appears to be a place for hostile individuals to be belligerent and condescending towards the profession as a whole. Maybe a better name of the website should be “disgruntled ex-clients”…and I am serious not being facetious.

    I use to encourage my college students and colleagues to subscribe to GoodTherapy.org, but I would never commend it now. Maybe I am the only clinician that feels this way, but I felt I had an ethical responsibility to state what is not being said.

  • Dr. Medfor

    August 12th, 2010 at 8:06 AM

    @ Diana – You’re not considering the fact that all the comments on this post relate to the original article: 50 Warning Signs of Questionable Therapy & Counseling…

    Of course you’re going to read lot’s of complaints here!

  • gabriel h.

    August 12th, 2010 at 8:09 AM

    hi Diana, let’s not minimize the fact that people do get hurt in therapy and there are BAD therapists! And don’t blame Good Therapy for that fact. they are doing a great job trying to encourage healthy therapy and informing therapy seekers about what safe therapy and harmful therapy should look like! Your complaint just doesn’t make sense.

  • gong

    August 12th, 2010 at 8:12 AM

    I agree with Diana that there are a lot of ranters on this thread and I’m sick of all the victimhood. All these complaints can tarnish the value and benefits of therapy in the minds of people who are exploring counseling for the 1st time. – G

  • timothy

    August 12th, 2010 at 8:14 AM

    i second some of your thoughts diana. however, i think it’s very fair that good therapy gives voice to all feelings and as someone above said, people do get hurt in therapy.

    i do think good therapy should start a blog about success stories in therapy so as to not scare people away from seeking help.

    like another said, some people unfortunately may get scared away by all the complaints and horror stories, which is truly the minority experience.

    most therapists are decent and non-harming!

  • Whitney

    August 12th, 2010 at 8:23 AM

    “I haven’t read a professional blog entry in months.” – writes Diana. I think you don’t know hot to navigate this site and that you probably only get alerts to this one thread.

    You can judge a blog by one thread or by the commentators and there are MANY professional articles and threads started here daily. I applaud gt for not squashing and censoring people’s opinions. if you’re really a professor than you should appreciate this and also do your homework! -Whitney

  • Sue

    August 12th, 2010 at 8:59 AM

    ” It only appears to be a place for hostile individuals to be belligerent and condescending towards the profession as a whole. Maybe a better name of the website should be “disgruntled ex-clients”…and I am serious not being facetious.”

    I was so pleased Diana responded because this affords us the opportunity to analyze the important issue of why iatrogenesis is so neglected by almost the entire psychotherapy profession.

    Diana’s post is marvelously illustrative of an iatrogenic therapist-client dynamic. First, note (I assume Diana is a therapist) she fails to be in touch with her own countertransference, which overflows with its own hostility and victimhood. (If you don’t stop this unpleasant discussion I’m going to retreat from this website.)

    Equally revealing, notice the weaponry she employs in efforts to invalidate client feedback : “unstable…rant…hostile…belligerent…condescending.” So authoritarian, shaming and labeling. And she’s unloading on several people here who are distressed and trying to find there way.

    This is EXACTLY what the clients are talking about. Rather than listening to what clients have to say, the healers are discrediting it and quashing it.

    I’m happy to tell you why harmful therapy puts clients in such conflict. It’s a shameful robbery of time, money, trust and hope. Anger is a perfectly rational response to feeling “conned” on a soul-deep level.

    I love this conversation, because we’ve finally touched the heart of the problem. Now, can we hear from ANY psychotherapist, who will, instead of quashing the discussion, have the courage to respond thoughtfully to the issue of harm in therapy?

    And if you pull out the shaming, labeling weaponry on me darlin’, I’ll call you on it.

  • LifeSucks

    August 12th, 2010 at 9:45 AM

    Thank you, Sue. So eloquent and caring.

  • Sue

    August 12th, 2010 at 10:08 AM

    You’re welcome Life-s. (High 5 :-)) We’re dealing with some complicated booby-traps delivered by experts in rigging the game. Seeing through their hooey will make us STRONG, STRONG, STRONG.
    http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Gaslighting

  • Tracy

    August 13th, 2010 at 6:00 AM

    Dr. Dan L Edmunds has a terrific perspective written in an article that is titled “The Meeting of two persons: What Therapy should be” and can be found at http://blogs.alternet.org/drdanledmundsedd/

    Tracy

  • Sue

    August 13th, 2010 at 9:07 AM

    Great article, Tracy.

    I’ve met some “disgruntled ex-clients.” They are articulate and perceptive women who, in recovering from their experiences, developed an understanding of events far beyond their ex-therapist’s capacities.

    I would love to see forward-thinking conversation how psychotherapists might learn from negative client experiences. I wish there were more in the field such as Jan Wohlberg of TELL and Gary Schoener here and UK therapists Yvonne Bates and Richard House. How many clinicians have LISTENED to testimony of those harmed?

    I’d love to see conversation about how client feedback might be synthesized to improve education. Consumers wonder about screening, consultation policies, and continuing education.

    How do we might professionals LISTEN rather than trying to subdue clients with name calling?

  • LifeSucks=LifeTolerable

    August 13th, 2010 at 10:34 AM

    I agree, Sue. That post gave me flashbacks and I think proved the problem. There is so much anger involved, but I was told anger is healthy (according to the T that tried to get me in that state for so many years). As long as anger goes no further than that, I see it just as a progression through the stages of reaction, hurt and recovery. I would just give anything to have found the right T. But I am tainted now and faithless. I do enjoy reading the recoveries and strengths others on this blog express. Moving through my anger and other issues, I now have for the first time in a while feel like I have moved one step closer to making amends with God, which to me is all that matters. Validation from those like you and Renee have only helped. The above post was sooo like bad therapy, I see her never changing cause I have not seen a T learn from their mistakes, but rather defend them to the end. So sad, for them and their clients; so unfortunate.

  • Admin

    August 13th, 2010 at 11:28 AM

    Hi Everyone,

    My name is Chesna, I’m a team member here at GoodTherapy.

    This particular blog, “50 Warning Signs of Questionable Therapy & Counseling,” was created as a resource to provide people with information on how to identify potential warning signs of unhealthy psychotherapy. This blog post is a place where many people have shared their stories of real and very unfortunate harm, and they are welcome to do so. These personal stories bring to light the exact issue that triggered the creation of GoodTherapy.org.

    Our founder, a licensed therapist who has been in the mental health field for 20 years, encountered so many individuals who had therapy experiences that ranged from ineffective or negative all the way to truly damaging harm. This is what sparked his idea to create a site to inform people about this very issue and simultaneously arm people with information and resources to get access to good therapy.

    By bringing these stories to light AND offering resources to help people evaluate therapists and the practice of therapy, it is our hope and mission to reduce harm in the mental health field. We believe strongly that healthy, collaborative, non-pathologizing and empowering psychotherapy can help individuals find a way to access their innate and core abilities to feel peace and contentment (or whatever goals they are striving for).

    I was happy to hear one poster’s recommendation that GoodTherapy create a space where people can share their therapy success stories (and there are many!). I am happy to report that this project is already in the works and we are excited about the positive impact it can have. In the meantime, there is a broader discussion (updated daily) about therapy available on our main blog https://www.goodtherapy.org/blog/.

    I would also encourage anyone who has experienced harm to not lose hope. If you are in crisis, please visit this page: https://www.goodtherapy.org/in-crisis.html where you can find access to immediate support. Please know that there are many qualified, heart-centered, knowledgeable and dedicated therapists who can help.

  • Sue

    August 13th, 2010 at 11:45 AM

    Post #187 is rich because it’s there, in black in white, anger, shaming and control in healer’s guise. I loved it. Notice it’s the clients able to peel back the strategy of it.

    My recovery is a long journey because my therapist reinforced himself as an authority (over-idealization is their term), so I believed his scorn and belittling above my truth. When the therapist told me I was crazy I thought maybe he was right. I had to reverse engineer his strategies to demote him to a charlatan who would do anything to preserve his self-delusion and his income stream.

    Hearing other stories helped me as well. In addition to my conversations through TELL, a book by Ellen Plasil called Therapist is about her recovery from the worst therapy imaginable, seduction, a cult. A courageous book.

    Another high 5, Life Tolerable. I’m so happy to write those words. You’re helping me too.

  • Yebel

    September 10th, 2010 at 4:52 AM

    I just found out that the office I go to for therapy has a policy I was not aware of. It seems everyone in the practice can see my file including the nurse. When I first started there a couple of years ago I asked if everything I say is completely private and I was assured it was. I see a lady Psychiatrist and a male social worker for different issues. She tells me that all the very private things she keeps in her head. I find it hard to believe that after 2 1/2 years she never wrote anything personal in my file. I know there was alot of things put in there by both of them and it did not seem to bother them that this really upset me very much. I can’t believe that other people now know some of the things that happened to me in my life time.Even though I am a guy things can still me upset enough to want to cry and smash the hell out of things. The only reason I found out is because I needed a refill out my meds and she was on vacation and another Doctor called me to go over them and to clarify things that they wrote. Then he tells me any therapist any nurse can read it. Has this happened to anyone else?

  • Liza D

    April 11th, 2017 at 1:20 AM

    Within an agency, the rule about charts is that the only staff members who can look at them are those who have a professional reason to do so. Thus, when our own therapist or meds doc is away and you or I call or come to the office for help, someone can look at your chart to find out how to help us.

    Agencies tend to be busy places. No one’s paid to sit around flipping through client charts out of curiosity. They have enough on their own plates (their own duties) so the last thing they’d want to do would be to read through the chart of someone who’s not their own client.

    I understand your concern. To me, it’s a good thing that if I needed more meds the on-call doc could check my chart to see what’s worked and what hasn’t; or if (God forbid) my therapist fell ill, one of her colleagues could skim my chart to prepare to see me in a crisis.

  • john

    October 5th, 2010 at 7:12 PM

    Thank you for posting this; it has really been helpful. I started seeing a mental health counselor and she displayed many red flags.
    In the first session I gave her the run-down of my life and the problems I had and past experiences. She kept blaming my family, my father and even spoke of him in a distaste. She didn’t seem interested in what I thought was best, didn’t even approach it and just spent 90 percent of our visits talking. AND worst of all she would not remember what we talked about in our last session and would act surprised when I started talking about it.
    I left our last appointment feeling like a complete crap and depressed; I thought I had done something horribly wrong and kept searching for an explanation.

  • Matthew

    October 8th, 2010 at 9:55 PM

    I unfortunately had a bad couples therapist who had a counter-transference issue, and was shaming and demeaning. When I brought this up to her she did not even remember what she said, and completely denied that a counter-transference was even possible because she was trained differently! I appreciate this list. Thanks.

  • Matthew

    October 8th, 2010 at 10:10 PM

    I wanted to add that when I brought all these issues up about the couples counselor to my regular therapist who I have seen for ten years and have recovered With his help from Agoraphobia, PTSD, and BP2 he said unfortunately many of his interns are poorly informed about counter-transferance issues. This is perhaps due to the fact the old tradition of depth psychology is absent from much of contemporary training. I had seen a lot of bad therapists briefly before I found a good one.

  • Tracy

    October 9th, 2010 at 6:36 AM

    Hi Matthew

    I agree with you….there are many “bad” and incompetent therapists out there. Until State regulations begin to include mandatory therapy and a psych evaluation prior to licensing, and required career long peer consultation for all mental health “professionals” ( just as CEU’s are required in most States), clients will continue to be harmed by their therapist’s counter-transference issues.
    How can a mental health professional even know they are experiencing counter-transference without so much as a single therapy session being required prior to receiving a license to practice. When interviewing prospective mental health professsional every client should be asking how many years of therapy the mental health professional has had, and if the therapist attends at least a monthly peer consultation group. If the therapist refuses to answer or is evasive or the answer is “none”….thank the mental health professional for their time and leave….go find another. If in an area where MHP’s are few…you’re better off worth no therapy….than bad/incompetent therapy
    For more information you can go to facebook and read my “Walk away from bad therapy” page.

    I too now work monthly with one of the “good guys” ….but my experience with a previous therapist was a harmful and horrible as he could not see his counter-transference and tried to make his issues mine.
    In a way, the experience with him taught me a lot….and I now know for sure that will never place myself in that situation again!

  • Musty

    October 20th, 2010 at 12:43 AM

    Thank-you for this helpful article. I think the “50” is a very comprehensive list, augmented by additional ones in Comments.

    To the people who’ve experienced abusive therapists/therapy, especially any who feel there’s no way for them to recover from the trauma. “In giving voice to your thoughts and feelings choose your words carefully, every one of them; for sooner or later you *shall* live them.” — Musty (That’s me!)

  • Sue

    October 24th, 2010 at 1:02 PM

    Inspired by the practitioner-client disconnection I witnessed on this thread, I posted a blog, “A Disgruntled Ex-Psychotherapy Client Speaks Her Piece,” hoping for a constructive talk-back with the profession therapy about gone awry. I’d like to see many more of these conversations.

  • EssEff

    October 29th, 2010 at 10:02 PM

    I’ve had therapy off & on over the years and the LCSW’s were the most helpful so far. I recently started therapy for a specific issue with someone who has expertise (a PhD) in it. Her style is “different” and things weren’t clicking for me, but I decided to give it a try. This list helped validate my concerns. She talks a lot, cuts me off whenever I start to mist up, I feel like she plays “gotcha” whenever I contradict myself (isn’t that to be expected if people have mixed feelings they need to resolve?) and I often feel I’m being scolded. She does it in such a nice way that I didn’t notice it right away, but I did notice I’ve been more reluctant to open up than I was with other therapists in the past. Yet I also find myself discovering things I wouldn’t have thought of without therapy. I would probably have made those discoveries with someone else as long as I have the opportunity to talk & think & feel.

  • Sue

    October 30th, 2010 at 9:26 AM

    EssEff, in my opinion, the way a therapist says something is as important as what she says. If she talks to us as if she “outranks” as, she fails to convey a healing respect and self-respect. I don’t see many therapists getting this.

  • EssEff

    October 30th, 2010 at 8:02 PM

    The clear message is that she doesn’t respect me because of the very things I came to her for help with. The scolding stuff is usually after I tell her something because I’ve identified it as a problem, so what is she adding to my insight? I already told her I know it’s not healthy. grrrr

  • Ellen Truschel

    November 19th, 2010 at 11:33 AM

    The therapist falls asleep.

  • EssEff

    November 20th, 2010 at 6:23 AM

    I had one more session this week after 3 weeks off. She was insensitive about something very important to me, and I felt judged again. Then the next day I did something stupid due to being upset and I thought of what she’d say about that so now I know I have to quit. I’m too chicken to do it in person. I’ll just call and cancel. This blog has been a great help to me. Thank you all.

  • Tracy

    November 20th, 2010 at 11:01 AM

    Good for you EssEff! Surely call and cancel…why pay to fire the therapist when you know it’s not working out!
    Keep looking for a new therapist you “gel” with…you’ll know it when you experience a feeling of safety and confidence. If you want to check it out,I have quite a
    bit of info on hiring and firing a therapist on a wordpress
    blog called One world…many crazy humans!

    Take Care!

  • Sue

    November 20th, 2010 at 6:34 PM

    EssEff, if you’re feeling disrespected and put down by a therapist, she’s not helping you, and it’s best to fire her. If your instinct tells you that she will “act out” when you quit, then best leave with little discussion. I made the mistake of trying to discuss termination with my bad therapist, and he became really unhinged and destructive.

  • gfydk

    December 5th, 2010 at 12:40 AM

    I had asked my T. that terminated me to read me my file..well we met and I felt so hurt and scared all I did was shake, all she did was look at me and try to intimadate me by writing notes. SHe said…”your a sick girl” wow..she never gave me a diagnosis, she said terrible things to me, I’m calling the board and filing a suit, she kept me stressed out for a year. Her reason for termination…I did not move forward in therapy…not true I told her more than anyone and have proof…she screwed up and is trying to find an excuse….does not work..she even called my new t. to get her e-mail address to CC her on a letter. I confronted her and told her I never gave her permission or a sign release to talk to her about me..she said It was not about me..Huh? she never met the new T. or should have any reason to e-mail her they do not know each other…she is trying to reuin me big time…she wont get away with it

  • KT

    December 5th, 2010 at 7:29 PM

    Attention “gfydk”, please email me. I successfully sued my former therapist. It was quite an amazing experience. I am available to offer any advice you may be looking for. I know how you feel, it’s a terrible feeling. But, there IS healing through the process of standing up for yourself and what you believe to be true. It was just exactly 4 years ago when I realized the harm I had incurred through my therapy. The lawsuit settled one year ago. It’s a harrowing process, but worth it.

  • Sue

    December 5th, 2010 at 11:16 PM

    KT, I don’t think most of us have a way of reaching each other by email. Do you have a blog where gfydk can contact you?

    (Alternately, Tracy started a Facebook group, Walk Away From Bad Therapy, where you might convene.)

    gfydk, what you describe is abusive and a violation of confidentiality, among other misconduct. TELL Therapy Exploitation Link Line can help you by linking you with peer support with others who’ve gone through this.

    It is crazy-making when a therapist becomes unhinged –it happened to many of us. For me, the recovery was understanding it’s THEIR instability and has nothing to do with me.

  • Tracy

    December 6th, 2010 at 4:58 PM

    Hi gfydk

    How did your old therapist get the name of your new therapist?

    What I would do is find another therapist and not say anything to either of the other two. Specifically say to the new therapist that she does not have your permission to consult with your old therapist(s).If she asks why…say you want a fresh start. Unless medications are involved, you are under court ordered therapy, or your situation is otherwise “complicated” the therapists shouldn’t need to consult each other. A therapist can terminate you if they do not think they are helping you and that you may have better results with someone else….they are however required to help you with a referral if you request one, and can not strictly “abandon” you.
    I wish you luck with a Licensing board complaint / and or lawsuit, as it will be difficult for you to actually prove what was said in the therapy room, and without evidence it’s tough to “win” your case. and you can bet on it that the therapist will lie to save her sorry butt. If you do file a complaint I do suggest supplying any kind of evidence you can….emails, letters, voice messages….without them eveything else is therapist said/client said.
    I am sorry to hear you were hurt by this therapist…but in the long run….she wasn’t helping you and there is a therapist out there that can better serve the good person you are.

  • EssEff

    December 7th, 2010 at 10:53 AM

    Thank you for your support. This has been a stressful couple of weeks and I could have used someone to talk to, but not that therapist! She would have made things worse, or I would have feared she’d say something insensitive which amounts to the same thing. I’ll wait for her bad vibes to wear off before starting with someone new. I don’t want to waste money talking about her! I need to talk about me.

  • Sue

    December 7th, 2010 at 2:47 PM

    EssEff, you impress me as centered and insightful. The last thing I’d need is a therapist dragging me down when life is stressful already. As you talked about earlier, power games can be quite subtle, and PhD after her name doesn’t stop anyone from being a mean girl, unfortunately. Best to you.

    Re complaints: I concur with Tracy, that complaints can be difficult to prove, licensing boards seem to give therapists an extremely wide berth about what is acceptable and bad therapists will be as deceitful in a complaint process as they were in sessions. I had the job of healing despite the therapist’s lies and losing my complaint.

  • Karen

    December 7th, 2010 at 8:03 PM

    Is there anyone out there that is familiar with MST or Multisystemic Therapy?

  • EssEff

    December 7th, 2010 at 8:19 PM

    This therapist made a point of asking me about my atheism in our first meeting (it was on the 4-page questionnair I had to fill out) and self-described as a Christian but she insisted she could help me despite that. She made a point of saying the other people in her practice are “Christian” (in this part of the country it usually means fundamentalist nutjob) and that they wouldn’t be so understanding.

    Sadly, the closest person I could find by searching this site has this lovely write-up: “I am a Christian psychologist and neuropsychologist. I believe that each person was made by God for His glory, and that we are all one body in Jesus Christ. I believe that the engineering of the human body and brain demonstrate the awesome generative power of Father, Son, & Holy Spirit, and that this wonderful engineering hardware requires software that is based on God’s plan for humanity found in the Bible. I utilize a cognitive neurodevelopmental approach, as well as traditional therapy techniques. But the rock of my practice, which is my ministry also, is based on Christian principles.”

    Maybe my real problem is that I need to MOVE!

  • Tracy

    December 7th, 2010 at 9:21 PM

    I had never heard of multisystemic therapy…however, after 5 minutes of research it would appear the “therapists” the multisystemic people hire need only a Masters Degree or a B,S. with “extensive experience”….their job ads on a few sites say nothing about being licensed… other than a needing drivers license.
    interesting….

  • margarets

    December 13th, 2010 at 12:37 PM

    EssEff, get a copy of your file from the old therapist (the bad one) before initiating your complaint process. That way she can’t change anything in the file to make herself look better or you look bad, after your complaint is filed. She’s not supposed to mess around with your file anyway, but don’t trust her.

  • Tracy

    December 13th, 2010 at 3:10 PM

    Good point margarets.
    Remember also that a therapist is only required to provide a copy of their session notes. They do not have to supply you with their personal notes…some therapists keep them…some don’t…and they don’t have to tell you that! They may contain a great deal more of harmful material that can be used against you! They can be obtained in a malpractice case, but not for a Licensing Board Complaint. The therapist however can use them and you will not have the right to that information. Licensing Board Complaints are only administrative in nature, though if it is determined the therapist committed a criminal act, it can be referred for legal action to the appropriate authorities.
    Much of what was said in a therapy session becomes a “client said/therapist said” matter in a Licensing board Complaint….and is very difficult to prove. Written emails,letters and voice mails are necessary for “proof”. The only way a client can protect themself really, is to record the sessions with some form of media.
    Oh and …yes …you are 100% correct…you can expect the therapist to lie and distort anything you said…and to claim that you are the one distorting the information or acts of the therapist…gaslighting at its best!
    The power differential continues throughout the Licensing Board Complaint! Don’t forget….a Licensing Board is mostly made up of the therapists peer group…only some have a public member. In Connecticut , there isn’t even a Licensing Board and complaints are reviewed by ONE, UNPAID, peer consultant. Hope you don’t live in Connecticut!

  • margarets

    December 15th, 2010 at 8:39 AM

    Tracy

    Argh – it’s just so unethical to allow therapists to keep separate notes etc, that are effectively secret from the client, but can be used against the client. I just checked the standards of practice for my ex-therapist’s regulating agency and yup – separate notes are allowed. It’s not clear whether separate notes could be used in a complaint process without the client’s knowledge though. Here’s what the standards document says:

    “The tools or data used by the [therapist] in developing a professional opinion may be or need not be included in the record. Such tools may be personal notes, memos or messages, test results, sociograms, genograms, etc. Once placed in the record, however, they become an integral part of that record. If they are kept separate from the record, the [therapist] observes the same standards with respect to confidentiality, security and destruction as with the record.”

    So basically the therapist can put the notes in and take them out, according to what serves the therapist’s purpose. Who’s watching, right? Even if the therapist is supervised, how does their supervisor know what the therapist is hiding? It’s not hard to keep secret notes, or write up extra notes later and back-date them. The whole thing is a joke and totally one-sided.

    I agree with you that recording sessions is the only way for a client to protect themselves. I think ALL sessions should ALWAYS be recorded as a standard practice. An ethical therapist would have no problem with this.

  • Kim

    December 15th, 2010 at 10:46 AM

    I agree that recording sessions with a voice recorder should be done by all therapists. However, my therapist recorded our sessions, which included his repeatedly making sexual suggestions to me. When I sued him, 48 recorded sessions mysteriously disappeared and he gave FIVE different answers in deposition as to why he destroyed them; one of which was that I told him to destroy them. What a sick man.

  • Tracy

    December 15th, 2010 at 7:11 PM

    Kim….What a jerk! What I am saying is that the client should record all the sessions…unethical therapists destroy tapes as you found out! I have to wonder that while some therapists record their clients sessions and are in possession of the tapes….how many therapists would be ok with the client recording the session and the client being in possession of the tapes? It would be a very interesting study as to how some therapists act and what they say if they knew they are being recorded by a client as compared to a session where there is no recording. I am speaking of those already licensed and not still working on their education or accumulating their clinical hours) My guess however is that an unethical therapist wouldn’t take on a client that insisted on recording the sessions in the first place.

    Margarets… the process is completely one sided…and what really sucks is that the notes you write about the therapist are not considered …and they will say “well how do we know you didn’t make this up”. The therapist is given professional consideration despite harmful acts and the client is treated like the the problem…what can we actually do to change the system? Other than educating others on how to choose a “good therapist” and protect themselves in the first place..there really is nothing that can be done…. protect yourself, and increase awareness of the problem. I’ve written many blog preces on this subject matter and my own case …click on my name and it should take you to the blog.

  • margarets

    December 17th, 2010 at 10:43 AM

    Oh, I definitely meant that the client should be in possession of the recordings! Now with digital technology it is very easy to arrange for both client and therapist to have copies of the recordings. I expect there are ways to ‘lock’ the recordings so that neither party can tamper with them or delete portions and so on. And of course this is a far superior method of documentation than one-sided notes kept in a file folder with no proper oversight.

    As it happens, psychotherapy is only starting to be regulated in my jurisdiction (I’m not in the USA) and there is a task force set up to work out what the regulations should be and so on. The public consultation process starts next year and one of the things I will recommend is that all therapy sessions be recorded and copies provided to clients as standard practice. Clients should have the choice to opt out of having sessions recorded, but this must be documented, with the client’s signature. But therapists should not have the choice to opt out; they MUST record sessions unless the client chooses otherwise. I think there should be a standard document regarding recordings that all therapist should use. No exceptions.

    Tracy, I’ve looked at your blog – love it – and when I set up my own blog about my experience I’d like to link to yours. Won’t be till some time next year, when my complaint process is over.

  • Virginia

    December 17th, 2010 at 11:58 AM

    Here is a question for people who believe all therapy sessions should be recorded – what is the scenario under which you feel you would find this to be in your self-interest?

    What occurs to me is that if you have the presence of mind to be aware that a therapist may take some approach that would not be good for you, for what reason would you want this recording? if you find you dislike or distrust a therapist’s approach, and are aware of it, why wouldn’t you just discontinue that relationship, rather than continuing to attend sessions and pay for them and make recordings of them?

  • DolensVita

    December 17th, 2010 at 12:29 PM

    I damn well wish there had been a recording when my therapist, after only 3 months of visits, used a hypnotic technique on me, dissociating me and causing me to black out for an hour and 15 min. The pain in my heart afterwards was like a truck had run over it. I couldn’t leave because she had stolen something from me, thereby keeping me emotiionally hostage. But how do you form a relationship on a lie – she denied all. But her peer group are witnesses. Unfortunately the complaint division neither investigated or cross examined the peer group, including the supervisor, the well-known (sic) Dr Claire Frederick. The therapist gets to go on with her life, and me, now 10 years later, lost my job, have severe ptsd, have severe excrutiating pain, severe panic attacks. But that therapist emotionally raped me & if I were a different person, I’d do anything to get that info – it belongs to me! But I won’t and I suffer and neither the f*in police, courts, or the Maine OLR gives a rats azz. The therapist even told me how passionately interested she was in hypnosis. But she couldn’t look into the future and see she wasn’t going to be able to help me. And, amazing she has no qualms about the pain I am suffering. Sad, very very sad.

  • Sue

    December 17th, 2010 at 1:51 PM

    Virginia–I had sessions with one therapist recorded for a benign reason–so I could review them later. However I’d favor recording for a different reason–it creates some transparency. I’d think a less scrupulous therapist might think twice if he knew he wasn’t conducting his business behind a completely closed door.

    As for “why don’t you just discontinue the relationship…” I’ll do my best to paint the picture. The client probably doesn’t have true presence of mind so much as dawning awareness. I might compare it to a wife leaving an abusive spouse–she somewhat knows the damage, but she thinks she needs her husband. It’s like a messy divorce. And a sick therapist, evoking his “authority,” can create all sorts of roadblocks to defer the termination or at least gaslight and devalue the client’s perceptions. So, as Marilyn Peterson points out in her somewhat dated “At Personal Risk,” the client has to flout years of conditioning in obedience to authority figures in order to “just leave.”

    A blog, A DISGRUNTLED EX-PSYCHOTHERAPY CLIENT SPEAKS HER PIECE, describes how complicated the untangling this relatiohnship can be.

  • someone...

    December 17th, 2010 at 2:31 PM

    I am so glad I found this article—when someone who is an “expert” does things that bother me, I always second-guess myself and believe them when they say that the problems are all on my end. I had a horrible therapy experience, and this has been one of the few things that’s helped me pull myself out of the hole I was flung into after only one session.

    What happened to me to begin with was an odd form of abuse (my roommate was purposely sleep depriving me, keeping me to around four hours of sleep a night for several months), and most people seem to dismiss it as no big deal, even though I had massive health problems as a result, almost broke down from the chronic exhaustion and illness, and was on the verge of dropping out of college. The administration ridiculed me as a melodramatic, ranting lunatic and wouldn’t believe a word I said; I still have flashbacks about sitting in offices being bombarded with insults about what a burden and a drama queen I am.

    After hardly listening to me, this therapist told me it wasn’t a big deal and that, if I had a problem with it, there must be something wrong with me. She attacked the way I live my life. She pulled random, minor events out of my past that she’d coaxed me to remember and told me they were the problem. She kept making nasty comments even when I started sobbing, including telling me that I “don’t know what happiness is” (what?). By the end I thought I was defective in every way and was ready to commit suicide. Thank goodness I can find help on the internet…

  • Tracy

    December 17th, 2010 at 4:32 PM

    DolensVita

    If you filed a complaint with your State Board and the case is closed, you can obtain a copy of the file through a written Freedom Of Information Act request. You should be able to obtain your psych notes. this way as well.

    Virginia…let’s just say once bitten…twice shy! One bad experience with a therapist many times is enough for a client to never go back. Being able to record the sessions might just get a client back into therapy. Personally …I would not go to a therapist who insisted on recording sessions, and today…I wouldn’t choose a therapist that I felt the need to record sessions —I would be out the door at the first red flag!. I am just in favor of allowing recording should the client want to…and wondering how therapists feel about that.

    Sue…good explanation of the whys!

    Someone…I can relate! So sorry to hear of your experiences!

  • margarets

    December 17th, 2010 at 8:44 PM

    Virginia – The answer is that it can be very difficult for the client to recognize bad therapy at the exact moment it is happening. Bear in mind that the client is already emotionally distressed and vulnerable when they begin therapy. This in itself interferes with clear thinking. Therapy requires them to drop their defenses and “trust the process”. In a nutshell, the client is ripe for manipulation.

    There are specific techniques one can use to manipulate people into all kinds of thoughts and behaviours. Cults, terrorist groups, and con artists use them all the time. All advertising is manipulation. It wouldn’t be at all difficult with for a trained therapist to use these techniques for their own purposes.

    Consider too that becoming a therapist is an excellent way for an emotional or sexual predator to get lots of access to victims. Kind of like the same way pedophiles sometimes coach children’s sports.

    Of course an unethical therapist isn’t going to declare their evil intent during the first session. They won’t say “I’ll spend the first six months grooming you to be my sexual plaything and *then* make a pass at you” or “I’ll keep asking you to recall painful memories to induce an emotional crisis so that I can keep you in therapy until my home renovation is paid for”. No, they will keep that to themselves but pursue the agenda anyway. The only way a client can recognize this is happening is by noticing red flags. Memory can be unreliable, especially when one is emotionally distressed. So the recordings give the client a opportunity to review what actually happened in the session.

    Recordings also ensure that the therapist doesn’t misremember basic facts about the session or the client’s situation. (My therapist never took notes during our sessions and I eventually figured out that she didn’t remember basic facts about me. I think she may have mixed up my story with someone else’s and based much of her approach on info that was just plain wrong. But it’s not like she ever told me she was doing this. I had to figure it out from all her ill-fitting remarks.)

    Recordings should also keep unethical therapists in check. They’ll think twice before suggesting that a client get naked as a way to “deal with their shame around sexuality” or whatever b.s. they come up with.

    Worst-case scenario, recordings provide evidence in complaint processes. Lots of things go wrong in therapy. Look at all the cases of therapists being disciplined or having licenses revoked – and those are just some of the cases that have come to light. Unfortunately, therapy can be a very risky undertaking for the client.

  • Sue

    December 17th, 2010 at 11:51 PM

    Well spoken, Margarets and Tracy. The client wants to feel better and is ripe for a therapist’s persuasion that some nonsense is healing. It is like a cult, and bad therapy is indeed a folie a deux.

    Though my abuse was not sexual, I still found insight in Susan Penfold’s excellent “Sexual Abuse by Healing Professionals.” Penfold is herself a psychiatrist and a victim of abuse.

    There are a number of important issues that got only cursory attention in the literature I combed. One is the all-to-common authoritarian construct of the therapy relationship, which disempowers the client and makes her ripe for abuse.

    Another is the matter of realistic expectations. I expected far more of therapy than it can ever deliver. Unfortunately, no therapist made the slightest effort to disavow me of this notion.

  • Carrie Flores

    January 13th, 2011 at 8:18 AM

    I think I need to leave my therapist of 5 years. All along we have had issues. She accepts expensive gifts, is constantly late or changes appointment times, groans when her next patient arrives, self-discloses issues about her husband and children, discusses other clients and makes jokes about them. But she calls me her friend and because I have transference I have become so close to her…like a mother figure. I am too scared to leave but I know she is a bad therapist. How do you survive the termination. I suffer from depression and relationship issues.

  • Sue

    January 13th, 2011 at 10:32 AM

    Carrie, an important thing for me in this cult deprogramming was to remind myself that one person doesn’t define our lives and the process of leaving something negative will in itself be healing.

    Unfortunately, therapy easily can reinforce our self-definition as having “issues,” as discussed in Tana Dineen’s book, Manufacturing Victims. Every human being alive has fears, conflicts and flaws, and therapy can magnify this,unfortunately. If you want to read a woman’s survival of one of the worst cases imaginable, there’s Ellen Plasil’s book Therapist. I found terrific peer support too through therapyabuse.org.

    Congratulations on your insight. You definitely will survive. What feels bad now can turn out to be liberating. Best to you.

  • Carrie Flores

    January 13th, 2011 at 7:11 PM

    Thank you Sue. I am in so much pain. In my heart I know I need to leave her…she is not a good therapist.However, I can’t imagine life without her…her hugs…her love and concern. I hope it was all real. I don’t want to think about being fake. How could i be so stupid.

  • Sue

    January 14th, 2011 at 7:35 AM

    Carrie, That’s exactly how I felt. It was a dilemma, do I believe the condemning things my therapist said about me, or do I admit to myself how I was conned? Neither are happy scenarios. (I went with the latter.) As I mentioned, I got great camaraderie from therapyabuase.org. Tracy (above) started a Facebook group, “walk away from bad therapy.” I wrote about my many complications and conflicts in “A DISGRUNTLED EX-PSYCHOTHERAPY CLIENT SPEAKS HER PIECE.”

    I do believe therapists can be sincere…if not very good.

    You sound very clear-headed. There is freedom on the other side.

  • Virginia

    January 14th, 2011 at 2:26 PM

    Carrie, I don’t think you need to convince yourself she is all bad in order to feel free to leave. She sounds like someone who has some genuine warmth, and who also does not have the kind of professionalism you need in a therapist at this point. It may or may not be the case that she did provide something you needed, as you do feel cared for by her, even though you are quite sure that you need something else.

  • Lurker

    January 24th, 2011 at 7:53 PM

    A therapist tells you and your mom to buy a vibrator, because she doesn’t want you to have pre-marital sex.

    Yes, I had a therapist really do this! I was 17, and she wanted my mom and I to walk in a sex store together.

    This is inappropriate and violates the boundaries of mother-daughter relationships.

  • Sage

    January 25th, 2011 at 5:01 PM

    For just one thought regarding this subjsect…A vibrator may actually “encourage” sexual experimentation….very dumb therapist! “Hey if this feels good, the real thing must be even better!”

    Whether the shopping for a vibrator with your mother violates boundaries of any mother -daughter relationship would be entirely dependent on the nature of boundaries of the mother-daughter relationship. Every relationship is different, and some may not find shopping for “personal items” together any sort of violation, where as to someone others it’s a ghastly prospect! (My mother would look the other way just driving past the store!)

  • Cathy

    January 31st, 2011 at 7:10 PM

    What about a therapist who insults you (via your diagnosis) when you suggest focusing on cognitive-behavioral therapy to work through your issue…and that therapist indicated at the beginning that they specialize in CBT?!

    Unbelievable.

  • Alison

    February 9th, 2011 at 10:18 AM

    I had a therapist who took advantage of me and sexual abused and exploited me. I didn’t have any adults to turn to at the time and was 17 years old. It has been 6 years now, and I still have not gotten over it. The abuse went on for about 2 years. I have seen 3 psychologists and counselors since, but none have worked out and I’m getting frustrated. All three counselors/psychologists have been through the University I go to (not sure if that has anything to do with it), with 2 of them being doctoral students. The first counselor was not so bad, but I got busy with schooling and really didn’t see him that much. The second was a woman, and she seemed like a grumpy, old woman who was bitter with life (and tended to turn that on me). The third (and most recent) I just left. He tended to get defensive, and angry with me. He would raise his voice, and ask me multiple questions one right after the other (like when you fight with a spouse and it gets ugly). He was not sensitive to the fact that I was shy in therapy (due to the first psychologist sexually abusing me), and I think he took it really personally (I think he really wanted to help, but put too much pressure on himself).

    I’m writing this because I’m frustrated. I have mostly gotten over my difficult childhood, forgiven my parents, am trying to deal with the fact that my sister gets raped by her boyfriend (and is a slew of other messed up from growing up in our household) and my lack of support, working hard on my relationship with my boyfriend (due to both of our families being dysfunctional, so we have to work twice as hard to make up for that), but I cannot seem to move past feeling guilty from the first psychologist and having issues surrounding sex or flashbacks. I think I could handle this in time, but I’d like to move past it faster and get on with my life (I feel like I lost so much time already by growing up in my household). I think things would progress quicker if I could find a decent psychologist, however, I’m loosing faith in this idea.

    This list is a great start for helping me be more clear on what to look for. But I’m starting to get discouraged about how many counselors I’ve been through and was wondering if I could get some feedback or thoughts from the peanut gallery? I appreciate it!

  • EssEff

    February 9th, 2011 at 2:29 PM

    I found a different therapist and a few weeks later I got an e-mail from the old one. The subject line was “Plans?” Coincidentally this was right after the shooting in Arizona. After mulling over a few possible responses I realized I would second-guess myself if I chose any of them so I just didn’t reply.

    I think my new shrink taught the old one though, and I’m starting to have doubts about him. He’s better, but seems to have a hard time empathizing with things he hasn’t personally experienced. I’ve had other therapists who empathize with *feelings* and it doesn’t matter to them what the source of the feeling is. So I may be moving on again. I feel like I’m spending too much time explaining parts of my life that really aren’t that unusual, just unusual to him.

  • Sue

    February 9th, 2011 at 3:03 PM

    Alison, many of us have found it difficult to find good therapists after harmful therapy, because the violation is close to home for them. Be encouraged you know what you DON’T want in a therapist.

    Recovery is a process for many of us. My non-sexual experience happened long ago, and I go years not thinking about it. Then something triggers the conflicts and I have to read and revisit (on my own, NOT in therapy.) I learn, grow and find freedom in this exploration.

    Many have found sharing experiences with peers useful, and the Therapy Exploitation Link Line can help you.

    Among books on TELL’s reading list are Susan Penfold’s SEXUAL ABUSE BY HEALTH PROFESSIONALS. If you want to read of a journey through the worst imaginable exploitation and recovery, Ellen Plasil’s THERAPIST is another title.

    There isn’t a standard recovery, any “shoulds” or a time-tables. For me, maybe there was a benefit in exploring and understanding many things I wouldn’t have if the violation happened happened. I see therapists now as highly fallible human beings, with fears, self-deceptions and agendas like everyone else.

  • Tracy

    February 9th, 2011 at 5:08 PM

    Hi Allison

    So sorry to hear that you’ve suffered all the trauma and abuse that you have, and you do need help getting through this.

    Keep trying to find a “good therapist”. I would get away therapists associated with the university and it’s system at this point if you can. Is there a community counseling service in your area? You might get a good recommendation for a understanding therapist from a rape crisis center. You DO NOT have to continue seeing a therapist after the first interview if it doesn’t feel like a good fit! You are hiring someone to work for you! Please see my blog for information regarding this….look up wisdomovertime at wordpress blogs or at google. I have multiple articles posted on finding a therapist, as well as my experience with bad therapy.
    Also….since your sexual abuse only ended 4 years ago and if you are in the United States, file a complaint immediately with the Licensing Board in your state! The therapist that exploited and abused you needs to be “reviewed” and perhaps his license to practice taken away or sanctioned so he doesn’t hurt anyone else, if he hasn’t already. You can also file a report with the local police department where the assault happened. Many States have Statutes that extend back 7 years in the case of sexual assault. That therapist is 100% responsible for his sexual misconduct with you !!!!!!! As you were a minor at the time the charges will be even more severe… on top of possible rape charges he should also face charges of having sex with a minor.
    Depending on your willingness to participate in the process, you can hire an attorney and file a malpractice case…..again…there might be a Statute of Limitations, so don’t wait too much longer… there are some attorneys that will take your case for a percentage of the amount of damages rewarded.
    However, I would recommend finding a therapist first….some therapists are not willing to take on a client that is already involved in a malpractice case against another therapist.

    I was not sexually abused by my former therapist, but I was financially, psychologically and emotionally exploited (he committed insurance fraud, and made other boundary violations) I took my time, did a lot of careful interviewing, and found a very caring therapist who was able to give the corrective experience I so in need of!

    Take care
    T.

  • Tracy

    February 9th, 2011 at 5:11 PM

    Hi EssEff

    If your not comfortable fire that therapist! and move on…don’t waste your time,effort, and resoueces…you derserve the best! Keep searching!

    Take care
    T.

  • SM

    February 9th, 2011 at 8:15 PM

    This is a good list. Last year my wife and I entered counseling – I was OK with her selecting the counselor. In reflection, it is only by God’s grace that the 5 sessions didn’t do us in completely. He talked mutiple times about how great his own marriage was (even called his wife ‘hot’); his ego was off the charts; in our one-on-one sessions, he told me that he thought we’d make it, while suggesting the opposite to my wife. I can see now that he made no real effort at helping us find a path toward success -in fact, by session #2, he was quoting supposed research that suggested that many kids actually do fine after divorce. My wife and I are both Chrtsians – and though he presented himself as a faith-based counselor, he showes near zero compentancy in considering our religious values in helping us address our challenges. My wife and I are doing fairly well today. Any others with similar experiences?

  • Sue

    February 9th, 2011 at 10:05 PM

    Good posts, Tracy. Sexual abuse is one of the few actions sometimes taken seriously by licensing boards and is illegal in some states. A blog from a woman also recovery from sexual abuse:
    survivingtherapistabuse.com/my-story/

    SM, so glad you and your wife got through it an are doing well.

    I don’t know William Doherty, who seems to be promoting his own training, but he covers the subject with some consumer-friendly articles: HOW THERAPY CAN BE HAZARDOUS TO YOUR MARITAL HEALTH. Also his BAD COUPLES THERAPY: HOW TO AVOID IT.

  • SM

    February 11th, 2011 at 8:24 AM

    To continue my comments on my experience with marital counseling…in hindsight, we should have ‘interviewed’ the therapist in advance. And if he/she was uncomfortable with the idea, we would have passed. In five sessions with our counselor, I quickly saw biases that had little to do with what was best for our relationship, and rather an agenda he had for quick-fix therapy…i.e. if you think your marriage is broken, it probably is, so be empowered to ‘move on’ with no guilt. Yikes.

  • Nina

    February 16th, 2011 at 11:05 PM

    Define 48 hour cancellation…Here’s the scenario. My regular weekly appointment was Monday at 2:15. I called Saturday at 3:00 and spoke to Therapist. She told me I would be charged the $100 Last Minute Cancellation Fee because Sunday doesn’t count in the 48 hours and I should have called Friday to avoid the charge. When I questioned the validity of that because Friday 2:15 to Saturday 2:15 is only 24 hours, so Saturday 2:15 to Sunday 2:15 would make 48 hours….so Sunday does count she became very angry with me and said that everyone knows that Sunday is not a “business day” and 48 hour notice means “business days” and that we had discussed this long enough I was wasting her time at that point, I am responsible for the $100 and she ended the call.

    I subsequently learned that if canceling within the 48 hour timeframe, you have the opportunity to try to reschedule your appointment for another time to avoid the charge. When I asked her if I could reschedule, she told me she didn’t have any openings the rest of the week.

    At the beginning of several of my appointments she asked if she could eat a sandwich.

    She took phone calls or checked her cell phone for emails/text messages during my session.

    My appointments never started at 2:15. She would send me to her office, then discuss billing issues with her employee, then get a cup of hot tea, then get a glass of water, then get a piece of gum, then find my folder, then finally start our session. Most of my scheduled 40 minute sessions ended up being 15-20 minutes.

    During one session she told me that my personality “was annoying at best”. I cried the whole way home.

    She would launch into the same story about a previous patient that she had with a similar situation and when I would try to stop her and say, “You’ve told me about her before, but my situation is very different.” she would continue with the same story but try to put a different spin on it….and I still don’t know what her point was in sharing another person’s situation with me?? Not to mention that it took 10 minutes out of my already shortened session.

    She told me that I was too controlling because I have a calendar on my refrigerator that I write all of my three teenager’s activities on….so I know who has to be where/when. She told me that they should know where they have to be when…..and how does she expect them to get there? They aren’t old enough to drive??

    She also told me that I was too controlling because I routinely checked the status of my children’s grades via the school’s on-line reporting system. She told me that I should let them fail on their own. That I shouldn’t check their grades and just wait for the report cards to come and then the children will learn the consequences of their actions because they will have received low marks.

  • margarets

    February 16th, 2011 at 11:39 PM

    Argh. Just got the final word on my complaint re: my ex-therapist. They totally blew off my concerns. Even with solid evidence to back up my claims, they dismissed them. However – and this is interesting – they want me to keep my complaint and the response confidential. Now why would that be? They’ve essentially vindicated the therapist. They did not reprimand her for a single thing, so presumably they found her conduct acceptable. Why would they want to keep that quiet? This agency certainly presents itself to the public as being concerned with standards and ethics. Their decision is an indication of what standards they actually accept in practice. Why shouldn’t the public know about it?

    Just for one example, my ex-therapist claims to *currently* be a faculty member of a therapy training institute. This institute no longer exists, it has no website, no mailing address, and no phone number. I can’t find evidence that it has offered any courses whatsoever in YEARS. But the complaints committee figures that her training certificate from 1996, from the same institute, is good enough evidence that the institute is still functioning and she’s still a faculty member.

    The agency may find that level of honest and accuracy acceptable, but I doubt the general public would. Heck, that kind of misrepresentation on a resume would be grounds for dismissal in a regular job.

    Just to warn as many people as possible: this therapist is regulated in ONTARIO. Don’t see any therapists in Ontario. It’s too risky and clients have no protection.

  • Sue

    February 17th, 2011 at 7:36 AM

    Margarets, I’m so sorry you lost your grievance. I understand only a tiny fraction of complaints are decided in favor of the consumer. Anywhere. My grievance was more subtle, and though my therapist admitted his behavior, he deftly smokescreened by demonizing me and avoided consequences. Talking to others who have gone through this was more helpful for me than any subsequent therapy.

    Nina, to me, your therapist sounds unprofessional and not supportive.

  • margarets

    February 17th, 2011 at 7:52 AM

    Thanks Sue.

    I knew going in to the process that this was the likely outcome, but I felt it was important to do it anyway. Silence just breeds more abuse, so I spoke up and let the chips fall where they may.

    However, I was not prepared for the last-minute “gag order”. (At least I’m pretty sure it was last-minute, I’ll have to check all the paperwork, but I don’t recall the requirement of confidentiality being mentioned before.)

    Doesn’t the whole thing smack of a pedophile trying to silence an abused child? Where’s the transparency? If this agency finds this therapist’s conduct acceptable, let them stand by their decision in plain view.

    Anyway, I don’t think this agency has the actual legal authority to just tell me to keep quiet, though they may think they do. Or they may be just trying to scare me.

  • Sue

    February 17th, 2011 at 10:09 AM

    Margarets, I know what you mean by transparency. Since there was no settlement, I don’t know how they can impose a gag order, but you’d need to get an official opinion on that.

    It was a real gut-hit when I lost my grievance. Do mental health professional have standards at all, or is their primary interest protecting their colleagues? Many of us who’ve been through grievances report that former therapists have lied or twisted events to discredit us and win their cases. So much for professional ethics.

    That said, the biggest project is moving on with life (for me blogging and activism evolved as part of that.) I deliberately never name names in my blogging because 1) I want to avoid any possible legal exposure 2)I don’t want to invite the louse back into my life.

    I recommend the Therapy Exploitation Link Line highly for support from others who’ve survived this. Tracy has started a Walk Away from Bad Therapy group on Facebook, or if you can reach me via my Disgruntled Client blog I mention above.

  • Tracy

    February 17th, 2011 at 11:18 AM

    Hi Margaret!
    Argh…the darn fox ate chicken for dinner again! (Fox gaurding the chicken coop scenario)
    Sorry to hear your complaint was dismissed. You are in good company however among those of us who filed and became aware that justice for clients of unethical therapists is nowhere to be found! A client is generally unprotected unless repetitive sexual acts are involved….and there is evidence/proof!
    I’m in the US and completely unfamiliar with regs in Ontario, but here in the US unless you specifically have a court order for a gag order, or have signed away your rights through a legal agreement you can talk to and say whatever you want to say. Ask the regulatory board to send you IN WRITING the legal statute or law that requires a gag order/silence, or a copy of something you signed agreeing to one. If this is just a verbal “please keep this quiet”…you are free to do as you choose! :p to them!
    You can also start a blog detailing your experiences….I have one at wordpress under the name wisdomovertime. I would stay away from using the therapists full name unless you have “proof” of the wrongdoing you are speaking of….but there’s nothing wrong with a first name, or a last name, or initials!
    Please let others know your experience! It’s important that others know the types of therapists they could possibly encounter ….hey….not all are bad…but a few rotten apples can do alot of damage!
    We MUST speak out about this! Otherwise it is like “silencing an abuse child”!The web is the best place to bring your story out and reach the most people possible! If you don’t want to start your own blog please add your story to one of the comments somewhere on my blog! I have blogging to be most therapeutic in healing from my experience with an unethical therapist.

  • margarets

    February 17th, 2011 at 12:05 PM

    Thanks Tracy and Sue!

    I was going to blog about the experience anyway and just use obviously fake names. It’s not like they can monitor every word I say for the rest of my life or keep an eye on the entire internet for every blog post I might ever make.

    I’m still reeling a bit today but prior to this I was mostly over it. I’ll be calmer in a few days.

    But but but – I need to unburden one thing right now, something that gives a clue to the whole therapy scam. I originally went to the therapist to discuss the fallout of a workplace harassment experience I had. Looking over the therapist’s notes, I found that during the first session, she wrote “harassment”, i.e. in quotation marks. As in: the client perceives it as harassment, it’s an allegation only.

    It was the first freaking session, how would she know if it was “harassment” or actual harassment? Harassment is extremely common; there is nothing remotely implausible about saying you’ve experienced it. At that stage she knew practically nothing about my experience – what was said and done and by whom – and we never really did discuss it in depth because she kept trying to focus on my childhood (what a therapy cliche). So in the very first session she made a massive assumption about my ability to perceive reality. Which explains A LOT about the therapy.

    Oh yeah, another thing. I’d been seeing a guy but it wasn’t going well. In one session I told her that we’d had sex for the first time. In her notes she described it as a “new level of intimacy”. Er, no. It was just sex. I should know – I was there. But she honestly believed that she understood the relationship better than I did.

    Honestly I feel like getting a sandwich board that says “THERAPY IS BAD FOR YOU” and walking around in front of her office building for a couple of hours. Heh. There’s no law against that.

  • Tracy

    February 17th, 2011 at 4:27 PM

    Hi Nina

    In order for therapy to be successful there needs to be a good therapeutic alliance….that doesn’t seem to be present in your situation. I would leave this therapists “care” and find a therapist that displays the qualities of empathy and unconditional positive regard for the clients they are hired to work for.

    You hire a therapist …you can fire them!

    As far as the charge for the canceled session….
    If you signed an agreement ( or informed consent) and it was clear on paper that the therapist charges for sessions canceled without “2 business days notice”…then you owe her the money….write a check and in the memo area….write “buh-bye” or perhaps you might want to write “for tea bags”!
    … stick it in the mail and don’t go back.

    If on the other hand you never signed an agreement, or had a verbal agreement , or you without a doubt thought she meant 48 hrs (“2 days” ) then just don’t go back and find another therapist

    Life’s too short and therapy too expensive to waste your time with an unprofessional and perhaps incompetent therapist!… she does seem to have a significant counter-transference going on…who really has the control issues….?
    You can always post a review about her on a website by that title… “therapistratings”

  • Sue

    February 17th, 2011 at 6:30 PM

    I started to read professional literature to understand what happened in my harmful therapy. What struck me was how the field is so cloaked in theory and jargon the therapists often miss the obvious by thinking that nothing is what it “appears” to be. Some therapists are even think that unsuccessful therapy “negative therapeutic reaction” is in fact a client so narcissistic and envious of the therapist that he fails at therapy to get even! The jargon, theory and hidden meanings seem to preponderate over common sense.

    Add to that less-than-wonderful reasons some get in this field, to solve their own problems, control issues, family peace-maker metaphors, omnipotence delusions, and it’s a minefield out there. Sadly, even the worst of them have convinced themselves they’re doing good. That’s why they’re so good at convincing us.

    Margarets: Between one therapist and another I was in a quandary about sexual harassment at my job:

    First therapist’s response: Is he so bad, he hired YOU didn’t he?

    Second therapist: Ohhh, he has boundary disturbances.

    Friend: You don’t have to put up with this.

    Needless to say, only the friend was helpful.

  • Tracy

    February 17th, 2011 at 6:47 PM

    Margaret, I Love your sense of humor!

    It sounds like your ex therapist and my ex therapist are twins! I am so happy and thankful at this point for the experience with an unethical therapist, and my experiences with the incredible incompetantcy at the Ct DPH as it has lead to many important lessons and insights unavaliable to me before all “it all went down”….it also validated what I really felt was going on to be real and not what the therapist said. The guy was a “man of many words”, not a “man of his word”.

    Keep speaking out!

    Hey….btw…even psychcentral had an article posted this week that peer support was found to be as effective as CBT! So perhaps it’s the first admission that there is no evidence or scientific proof that therapy works! In my opinion, if peer support is as effective as CBT….then it has to run circles around therapy with an poorly skilled therapist!

  • Miguel

    February 18th, 2011 at 8:50 AM

    Margaret and others

    Obviously there are dangers in therapy and in anything else in the world. The danger is not in the therapy itself, rather in the way therapy is used, as it is the point of this blog. All therapies can be helpful, from medication only to specific psychological techniques. Some therapists can focus on childhood (not a cliché, rather a psychodynamic approach), while other therapists don’t want to know about your childhood at all and prefer you to focus on the ‘here and now’ (e.g. metacognitive therapy); while others look into the future (e.g. solution focused therapy, motivational interviewing, interpersonal therapy). Why so many? The same reason we all don’t like the same things, same films, food, clothes, type of people, so there are therapies for everyone.

    Indeed, a good therapist is called Integrative (because they use skills from many different therapies to address their clients’ needs). As a psychologist myself, it was very useful to see this list and actual rating myself on this and as someone else has said before, I will have this in my office for clients to have too.

    I just think, and this is my personal opinion, that we cannot go into extremes of fascism, or saying ALL therapies are bad, or ALL therapies are wonderful. There is always a middle ground and people just need to find their way around it.

    One thing I agree though, before you go to therapy independently if they are counsellor, psychologists, or psychiatrists or family doctors, check whether they are qualified and experienced. You would be surprised how much Bad Therapy is done by people who have been in the business for many years. Also, ALWAYS ask if they get clinical supervision from other therapists and if they are critical towards their own therapy.

    Every time I see a client, I ALWAYS write down my own achievements in the session and things I need to do better next time, and will be open about it with my clients too.

  • margarets

    February 18th, 2011 at 9:39 AM

    Sorry Miguel, but no, not all therapies can be helpful. Some are VERY harmful (Center for Feeling Therapy, Synanon, Primal Therapy) and many others are a total waste of time. Most have zero to very little research to back them up. An eclectic approach isn’t any better – all it means is the therapist is making it up as they go along. I’m not just saying this either; I’ve read the literature.

    Another thing: therapists can lie, just like anyone else. Mine did.

  • Sue

    February 18th, 2011 at 11:39 AM

    Can I propose some conversation about the points above?

    I had a good education, had even worked as a journalist, but had no idea of the homework and self-protection required when I embarked on therapy. The evolving relationship was me as a follower to the therapist guru, leaving me feeling even more powerless. The breakdown stemmed both from my unrealistic expectations, which I believe the therapist fostered or at least condoned, and the clinician staunchly defending his theory which had no basis in reality.

    If it’s our responsibility to arrive wary, educated,and vigilant, how can we expect to arm the average consumer with these resources when there is so little information available about the hazards? The literature of harmful therapy is neglected even for professionals.

    It’s good to tell the consumer to protect herself, it’s unrealistic to expect her to arrive, new to therapy, with the skills and overview of a case supervisor. Should she be fully aware when a clinician is going off-rails or applying technique inappropriately? With the bitter professional debates about high profile malpractice cases, clearly there’s not even agreement about that.

  • margarets

    February 19th, 2011 at 12:22 PM

    Good question, Sue. Often people don’t seriously research something until after they’ve had a bad experience, whether it’s therapy or a roofing contractor. I had actually heard of many of the bad-therapy cliches before I started with my therapist, and I honestly believe that therapists knew they weren’t supposed to do all those old bad things anymore. E.g. I thought everyone knew that psychoanalysis has been totally debunked and that Freud was a nutjob. But no – there are still plenty of psychoanalysis true believers out there, as there are with many other bogus therapies.

    So we can blog away but I think often we are preaching to the converted.

    In the meantime, the likes of Dr Drew, Dr Phil, Oprah and innumerable self-help authors skilfully promote the therapy culture and it becomes ever more entrenched.

  • margarets

    February 19th, 2011 at 5:14 PM

    ack – that should read “I honestly believed that therapists knew” – past tense – I definitely don’t believe it anymore!

  • Sue

    February 19th, 2011 at 5:51 PM

    I agree that the media inflates therapy’s mythology and unrealistic promises. Re blogs. It has helped me integrate my experience and reminded me I’m not alone. I hope there are further ripples. However there is so little literature on this subject, there’s a large gap to fill. (I appreciate your writing and look forward to your insights.)

  • Sue

    February 19th, 2011 at 6:11 PM

    On client responsibility: My worst experience was handed by two co-therapists, one a psychiatric nurse who periodically would shriek at our therapy group members. She even snarled “something about you makes me want to kick you.”

    Her co-therapist failed to stop this or moderate her rages, and even tried mightily to dissuade me from terminating. The people who trained and supervised this nurse failed to teach her when she’d lost control. The subsequent therapist I saw avoided criticizing a colleague and changed the subject. The nurse’s licensing board refused to hear my complaint.

    From these indications, wanting to kick one’s client is perfectly acceptable care among psychiatric nurses.

    With all these professionals evading responsibility, does its burden completely fall to the consumer? If so, the mental health industry needs to revise its concept of informed consent.

  • margarets

    February 20th, 2011 at 2:34 PM

    Wow Sue. A nurse said THAT, with witnesses, and none of her colleagues addressed it? Yikes!

    That sort of behaviour would probably be rationalized by some therapists as giving you feedback on how you come across and the emotions you provoke in people, or confronting you on your issues, or some nonsense. When the more appropriate question is: Why does this health care professional want to kick anyone and maybe they should find another line of work?

    I’ve bookmarked both your and Tracy’s blogs. When mine is up and running, we can link up. I’ve got some ideas for online activism on these issues.

  • Sue

    February 20th, 2011 at 4:41 PM

    Margarets. Look forward to linking and your ideas.

    Yes, the nurse said that, and more, and no one addressed it. Group members objected–meekly–after a couple of her tantrums, but her co-therapist made no attempt to stop or mitigate her anger. He himself was no slouch in the scorn department,and justified his digs by saying he was “challenging” me. Shades of Alice Miller’s “for your own good.”
    Needless to say, it was a useless, inhibited therapy group.

  • Mary S

    February 28th, 2011 at 9:06 AM

    Thank you to the originator and to all the contributors to this web page. It is better than anything I’ve found so far about counterproductive therapy. I wish a resource like this had been available when I first tried therapy, about twenty-five years ago. I tried to go about finding a therapist intelligently, much as I would go about buying a car or a house. But information about therapy was difficult to find. I tried asking questions over the phone, but didn’t really know good ones, and often didn’t understand the answers. I did not go back to the first therapist I tried – she seemed to talk too much about herself, and her office was in a dark, moldy-smelling basement with dingy furnishings. That was a rational decision. The second therapist seemed OK at first, but after three sessions I had serious doubts; she seemed shallow and not very professional (e.g., when I asked what we did in therapy, she replied, “We talk.”) When I told her my decision not to return, she said, “You expect too much; that’s your problem.” Unfortunately, I was very vulnerable to internalizing that kind of comment. I tried a third therapist “on the rebound”. She turned out to be worse. When I asked questions about what she was doing and why, I got responses such as “Do you realize you’re asking me to give up my control?” Therapy with her was a crazy world. Regrettably, I stuck with her for three months. I was in much worse shape psychologically than before therapy.
    I tried again. I asked the new therapist over the phone if she let her patients know what she was doing; she assured me that she did. But when I asked her in sessions her reason for doing something, she would either change the subject or say something like, “I have my reasons.” She also laughed at me at some particularly insensitive times. I found a book that mentioned “therapist/client incompatibility.” It was presented as a controversial topic, but the authors indicated that it might sometimes occur. They gave a checklist to help decide whether a client’s problems with therapy were “resistance” or “incompatibility”. I checked equal numbers of items in each category. Not being inclined to give myself the benefit of the doubt, I continued a couple more months with that therapist before finally quitting (at which point she said, “You’ll never get better if you keep seeking the perfect therapist.”).
    I have tried therapy off and on again since then, being wiser about quitting when the handwriting was on the wall. I suspect that some of the better therapists might have been helpful if I had tried them before the harmful ones, but by then I just was not able to trust much. The last time I tried (about five years ago) actually was the most helpful. Being in my sixties gave me a little more confidence that maybe I knew a thing or two about what was and was not helpful for me. The therapist wasn’t great, but his occasional boundary trespasses gave me a reasonable amount of practice in asserting boundaries, and he did usually back off when asked. To my delight, the combination of grieving, being assertive, “speaking my voice,” and occasional “confessing,” along with his “good enough” acceptance started making a noticeable difference in my will and ability to do things to help myself. Unfortunately, he didn’t see the improvement and didn’t accept my word that I was improving, so he started initiating more interventions, which were counterproductive. For example, he said he thought I was harming myself by focusing so much on ways in which I was different from him. I told him of all the evidence I had encountered that paying attention to differences can be a key to understanding and to changing behavior to be more constructive. He responded that if I cared about evidence, I should see a cognitive therapist. So that experience turned out to be two steps forward and one backward.
    I will look into the possibility of posting more about my experiences on one of the blogs mentioned by posters here.
    Again, thank you. This page should help some clients avoid negative therapy experiences such as mine. Possibly it may also help therapists prevent them.

  • margarets

    February 28th, 2011 at 11:41 AM

    Hello Mary – reading over your post I had several thoughts:

    The fact that you kept trying new therapists shows that you are open-minded, though I’ll bet your ex-therapists thought you were resistant!

    The fact that you walked away from bad therapy shows that you actually have a decent sense of your own boundaries.

    And yeah, by the age of sixty, you DO know what works for you and what doesn’t. Mr Johnny-come-lately therapist should respect that. Sheesh.

  • Sue

    February 28th, 2011 at 12:07 PM

    In my opinion, if the apprehension around therapy is about marching forward to deal with a frightening issue, that’s resistance. If the apprehension is about personalities, the ordinary offenses of life: the clinician’s rudeness, tactlessness, obtuseness, or the feeling we’re training them, then the problem is them.

    Mary, from your account, I get the impression your therapists’ “resisted” you acting on your own behalf as an informed consumer. Wonder if they’d had been more comfortable with a naive, worshipful patient.

    When therapists so gingerly broach the subject of bad therapy, they often couch the problem in terms of “compatibility” as opposed to simple incompetence.

    I’m curious. Do you remember to what book you were referring for that checklist?

  • mary s

    February 28th, 2011 at 8:29 PM

    Sue,
    No, I don’t remember the name or author of the book that had the checklist. The only thing I remember about the checklist was one question in the “incompatibility” list that went something like “You are giving into the therapist’s personality rather than to the process.” I didn’t know how to answer that; part of the problem was that therapist 2 had said in the first or second session that in therapy I was the star; I gasped, since part of what I hoped for help with in therapy was social phobia problems. She then said that I might not like the process. So I didn’t really know how to separate “the process” from the therapist. A couple of years ago I came across a checklist on the web for “bad therapy” where one of the criteria was “You don’t know whether you are giving into the process or the therapist.” That was easier to answer, with a a resounding yes.
    I definitely was naive when I started therapy. I had read a book before starting that described feminist therapy as a “nurturing” process, but was too naive to realize that there was tremendous variability in what therapy was, including within feminist therapy. Therapy didn’t seem at all nurturing to me. But one therapist pronounced that I couldn’t accept nurturance from a woman. That was another thing that didn’t fit with the evidence of my experience — but that I internalized and felt ashamed for. The problems I went to therapy were bigger problems in therapy than in ordinary life; therapy didn’t help with them, but just took on a life of its own.

  • Sue

    February 28th, 2011 at 10:17 PM

    Mary, you describe my therapy as well. It became just another layer of toxins, untruths and authoritarian construct as opposed to the healing the profession advertises.

    Wow, your cast of characters you discuss certainly handed out the digs. I think many of them don’t understand that the consulting room is not magically different from real life. A put down is a put down, shaming is shaming, and bluster isn’t any different just because someone with a MSW or PhD uttered it.

  • margarets

    March 1st, 2011 at 8:57 AM

    OK, I really *must* get on with this blog I keep promising, because one of its major entries will be a very comprehensive reading list re: iatrogenic therapy, unvalidated therapies, flawed premises in therapy, and a good whack of therapy horror stories. The texts validate everything posted on this thread!

  • Sue

    March 1st, 2011 at 10:27 AM

    Margarets, I’ll look forward to your list. What resonated with me was how little I could find on this core subject, particularly less extreme abuses which are far more common. And how often the breakdown is blamed on the patient/client, leaving the therapist inculpable. And I found almost nothing for consumers about recovery.

  • Susy

    July 5th, 2014 at 10:26 AM

    My daughter & granddaughter lived w me to ENAE my daughter to acquire her BSN & had my granddaughter for whom I provided total care as dad not in pic! I was involved I everything from the birth to making parties, furnishing room, schoolwork & wore many hats! My daughter & I were best friends (I thought ‘ now she is involved with an extremely controlling narcisstic guy who my granddaughter told me doesn’t let her gal & always yells at her & mommy! This guy came over unexpdctey & moved my fam out 3 days after congrats ltr to work in OR & my niece told me that just the nite b; she said wasn’t ready tomove yet! So, no one transitioned my granddaughter who left me a sad note that she wants me ‘here’ & where am which broke my heart! She told me numerous times how mean he is & -st 6 months or so , I awoke 4 so I’d b up to greet my granddaughter ‘ drive her go school. I witnessed him call her fat & call her in house midday for no reason after she waited 2 hrs GOR her friend to play ! My granddaughter cried hysterically & shocking my once assertive daughter begged him to allow her own daugter who barely knew or saw him go out! He yelled,”are u trying to undermine my Uthority!” & my angel was finally allowed out 2 hrs lTer (I left in shock which I regret!?) that’s abuse from my research plus I v been text by angel & she must not b lowed to caus she eraced it & school wouldn’t allow me to come say hi ! My poor baby girl has ways had me to protect her & I’m at a total loss! I may call police to take her n report the abuse I saw! A y advice? I think it’s been since 10/12 but I saw her during 2nd grade but (as a retired tchr especially!) I can’t bear that I never help or saw HW & no one else did except guy who yells at her. My daughter’s learning to talk like she “should” & learning to “listen”! He publish humiliates my daughter & tells her she’s no good w finances so not allowed to buy anything + he’s always kicking her out as he didn’t put my daughters name on house although she pays majority of bills!? OMG… I must act now but how? There’s even much more if that’s possible (equally scarey or worse!)

  • Susy

    July 5th, 2014 at 10:30 AM

    I meant to reply that I hope all goes well for everyone in this most difficult time where time is of the essence! My angel was happy skipping lil girl who now says,”it’s only me…GG!) sad tone & pitch & he never says a nice word to her ever:-((
    I must get her out but didn’t want more trauma

  • Mary S

    March 1st, 2011 at 8:24 PM

    Some things relevant to Sue’s last remark: I have found the following to be some of the most positive developments to me as a survivor of counterproductive therapy:

    1. Psychotherapy with “Impossible” Cases: Efficient Treatment of Therapy Veterans, by Barry Duncan, Mark Hubble, and Scott Miller, 1997. The phrase “therapy veteran” indicates not just that a client has had experience with therapy, probably with little or no success, but that they may have wounds and scars, and perhaps psychological trauma, from the experience. The authors describe how they went about trying to find ways to help such people, and what they came up with. Their method has evolved into what is called Client Directed Therapy. They have written other books on the subject, but they are not as good, to my mind, as this one.

    2.Michael Lambert, a psychology professor at Brigham Young University, has been very concerned about iatrogenic therapy, and has been working to develop methods to prevent it by providing feedback to therapists and clients. He was president of the Society for Psychotherapy Research a couple of years ago, and his presidential address was devoted to the problem of iatrogenic therapy. Last year he came out with a book, Prevention of Treatment Failure: The Use of Measuring, Monitoring, and Feedback in Clinical Practice. I haven’t read it; I have read some of his articles, which can get somewhat technical (which doesn’t bother me; I’ve got a nerdy/geeky streak), but might put off some people. He has had success in lowering deterioration rates in at the Brigham Young counseling center. I recently read an article by him that discussed the problems involved in trying to do research on the topic — part of the problem is that funding agencies don’t seem to be willing to fund it.

    3. Clinician’s Guide to Evidence-Based Practices: Mental Health and the Addictions, by Norcross, Hogan, and Koocher (2008), although intended for therapists, can also be a good source of information for clients. It is in some sense a description of “best practices,” and seems quite consumer friendly in tone – for example, there is a list of questions they suggest asking new clients, which includes such things as asking the client if they have any treatment preferences (and taking that into account when looking for suitable treatments).

  • Sue

    March 2nd, 2011 at 11:07 AM

    Mary S. Thanks so much for that list. I’m familiar with Duncan who was kind enough to link to my blog, but haven’t read that specific book.

    The most helpful of my reading:
    “Shouldn’t I Be Feeling Better By Now?” by Yvonne Bates, A diverse collection of client essays exploring how subtle and not-so-subtle ways psychotherapy turned harmful. (I had to get this book from the UK and searched several used book sites to get the best price.)

    For consumers: Manufacturing Victims, What the Psychology Industry Is Doing to People. by Tana Dineen. Dineen critiques the “victim psychology” and pathologizing mindset which creates a detrimental influence on our culture.

    Of Jeffrey Masson’s two “anti-therapy” books, I preferred Final Analysis, a first-person account of the carnival he witnessed going into and leaving a career as a psychoanalyst.

    Ellen Plasil’s “Therapist,” depicts the worst therapist imaginable, but more importantly, the author’s courage in surviving it.

    Susan Penfold’s Sexual Abuse By Healing Professionals was useful to understand non-sexual abuse. (Survivors have thought the damage isn’t from the sex itself, but the events leading to it.)

    David Smail’s How to Survive Without Therapy, is mostly a critique which I enjoyed.

    A blog visitor recommended Theodore Dorpat’s Gaslighting The Double Whammy, Interrogation and Other Methods of Covert Control in Psychotherapy and Analysis. An insightful book about how therapists take power over their clients.

    Narcissism and the Psychotherapist by Sheila Rouslin Welt and William G. Herron talked about traps of the profession as did Michael Sussman’s A Curious Calling. Both books (for professionals) gave me a glimpse into issues from their viewpoint.

    Of the books, only Dineen’s title was for consumers and Bates’ book, though for professionals, did have consumers in mind.

    Both Tracy and I have blogs mentioned above, and you can reach us there, as well as Tracy’s Facebook group, Walk Away from Bad Therapy.

    If I haven’t recommended TELL, the Therapy Exploitation Link Line, in the last ten seconds, I’ll repeat myself.

  • Mary S

    March 5th, 2011 at 10:42 AM

    This isn’t something I’d include on my positive list above, but I think that those who have filed complaints against therapists, or are considering filing such complaints, ought to read the following page from the website of the American Psychological Association, the professional association to which most U. S. therapists who are psychologists belong: division42.org/IPfiles/Winter06/practitioner/responding.php

  • Elizabeth

    March 8th, 2011 at 10:18 PM

    I have been in therapy for the past 5 years with a wonderfuk therapist. I started therapy for addiction and problems with my first marriage. Now that I am clean the fact that I am bi-polar has surfaced and I am being treated.

    While I am happy with my therapist I do have some questions about unusual or boundry crossing behavior…She initiated communication through email, text (her private cell phone). She does self-diclose but not to the point where the session becomes about her. She has told me that at some point in time I will have to get rid of the “toxic” people on my life (meaning my family) and she initiates a hug at the end of most sessions. I don’t feel these things have harmed me or my therapy in anyway, I just want to know if anyone else has this type of relationship with their T.

    (Note: I have never and will never call her outside of normal business hours unless I am leaving her a message on her office phone. All communication via her cell phone has been emergency only)

  • Sue

    March 9th, 2011 at 8:36 AM

    Elizabeth, your relationship in therapy sounds complicated, and I only can offer reactions as a lay person.

    I found it ultimately destructive for a therapist to save me, attempt to “direct” my life in any way, or pretend any kind of personal relationship. A therapist becoming too involved with clients, or mix them into her personal life, and that ultimately can backfire.

    I also don’t believe in “toxic people” per se (unless we’re talking about history’s most notorious villains.) There certainly can be unbalanced toxic relationships, some of which can be re-balanced to some degree, some which can’t. I don’t think it up to the therapist to tell us how these repairs should progress. It’s our lives.

    I believe ultimately we have to solve our own problems, and therapy can only be a catalyst.

    A key question: How you think your therapist would react if you talked with her about your concerns. You might know her well by now, and even have a sense of how she’d take the discussion. There probably is a reason that you found this thread.

  • margarets

    March 9th, 2011 at 10:02 AM

    Elizabeth, reading your post my thoughts were:

    1) Five years is a long time to be in therapy. Did you set goals with this therapist, a treatment plan? Have you determined how you will know when it’s time to leave therapy, i.e. when you’re ready to deal with issues on your own?

    2) Is your therapist qualified to diagnose bi-polar disorder? I believe only psychiatrists are supposed to diagnose mental illness; other psychotherapists should refer clients for a proper assessment. I recommend getting a second opinion. The fact that once you got clean, your bi-polar “surfaced” sounds to me that your T is looking for ways to keep you in therapy.

    3) All the boundary-crossing stuff you describe is a red flag to me. Also, I am suspicious that she advises you to get rid of your family. That kind of thing is a red flag for trying to isolate you and make you more dependent on the therapist. Do *you* think your family is so toxic that you need to cut them off? Some families are that toxic, but it is a very personal matter and a decision that must feel right to *you*. What the T thinks is irrelevant.

    4) I agree with Sue that there is a reason why you found this thread. Something about your therapy just doesn’t sit right with you. And you know what? That’s a perfectly good reason to quit therapy. Or at least take a break, collect your thoughts, and then decide how to proceed.

    5) I think that if you’ve recovered from a divorce *and* an addiction (congrats by the way, that is a major accomplishment), you are already a very strong person, and probably ready to manage on your own.

  • Sue

    March 9th, 2011 at 7:48 PM

    @Mary–What struck me about your link is it’s all about the distress of the practitioner. There’s not the slightest concern for the client. I’d think any client distressed enough to file a complaint had damaging treatment regardless of whether it is ever judged an “ethics violation.”

    @Elizabeth: I wrote this ever so lightly, since I’m the typo champion. However…paradoxical…er… Freudian slip in the first sentence of your post.

  • Elizabeth

    March 9th, 2011 at 8:43 PM

    In Response: I should clarify that my 5 years of therapy has been episodic, not continual. I have a Pdoc that I see monthly who is the diagnosing doc. I very much believe in toxic people, and my family is 100% toxic.

    I have made wonderful progress with her help and I feel comfortable bringing up any issues I may have with her. Today in my session I asked why she allowed communication outside of session and the use of the cell phone, she said that by not pushing boundries I earned these things. Having an opportunity to contact her if I had a crisis. The main reason she gave me her cell phone number was due to the fact that she shifts between 4 different buildings throughout the day and isn’t always able answer her office phone and if I was running late or needed to cancel I could get ahold of her. We discussed other things and I left feeling my questions had been answered. I believe she can help me work through my current problems and I can go out on my own (knowing I can return if I need it)

    @Sue- Our buddy Freud was problem the biggest rule breaker of them all; holding dual relationships, crossing many a boundry and lord knows what else…but thank you for your observation.

  • Mary S

    March 9th, 2011 at 8:45 PM

    Elizabeth,

    I agree with the recommendation to get a second opinion about the bipolar diagnosis. Diagnosis of mental disorders is very tricky, far from an exact science, so a second diagnosis of something as serious as bipolar disorder is always in order. In particular, various physical causes can have symptoms that may be misdiagnosed as bipolar (e.g., steroid medications for inflamation; some forms of epilepsy), and an overzealous therapist might diagnose some thing milder (e.g.,cyclothymia or just ordinary mood swings) as bipolar. So try to find a good diagnostician for the second opinion.

    Also, the fact that you have been working with your therapist for five years sure sounds like a red flag to me that something is fishy about the therapist.

    I also agree that getting clean from addiction is a major accomplishment and deserves a lot of respect (including, of course, self-respect).

  • Mary S

    March 9th, 2011 at 9:21 PM

    Sue,
    Yes, your impression of the info on the link is the same as mine: the focus is on the distress of the practitioner, with no concern for the client. By the way, the authors of the book from which this is an excerpt also wrote a book on ethics in psychotherapy, and one of them is currently president of the American Psychological Association.

  • Sue

    March 10th, 2011 at 9:08 AM

    @Mary-There’s a contemptuous book by Lawrence E. Hedges advising practitioners that a complaining client often is in the throes of “transference psychosis.” I translate that to mean, if the client complains, she’s invariably crazy. It’s all about them. Ethics indeed.

    @Elizabeth. I was referring to a rather ironic typo, the next to last word of your first sentence. (Mind you, I’m the typo queen.)

    Re: toxic people. While I certainly agree people in our lives can be angry and do great damage, I’ve found that “toxic people” is a counter-productive label because it renders me a passive victim.

    I prefer to remember that people act destructively out of their own fears and insecurities. Hurtful people are hurting people.

    It’s sometimes possible to re-make more functional relationships, whether that means setting limits, confronting or avoiding them. I feel it’s the relationships that are toxic, so I avoid labeling other human beings as intrinsically poisonous. I realize that I’m disagreeing with many of the therapists and self-help books of the land.

    When I encounter a difficult person, I do my best to problem-solve. My skills at that are a work-in-progress.

    I certainly understand extremely difficult families. Sometimes things can be evened out, sometimes not. How you deal with this is your call–not your therapist’s. You seem like a strong person.

  • Renee

    March 10th, 2011 at 3:19 PM

    I got my notes from my old therapist after asking for 6 months. I had to get a third party to pick them up, I went with my friend who handed them to me in her office. She changed dates, she had the wrong birth date she changed my words to make me look like I was sucidial (was not) I have a severe case of PTSD that got worse after her ugly termination and abandonment. She thinks I needed the file to file a claim on her, hense the changes of her notes. I lost my business because of the depression from my Therapy with her I just fell apart and did not pay attention to my partner paying the bills ect.. I left her a message regarding my files and how I lost my business and everything After I said that to her my Landlord leaves me a message saying he received a letter from the Sheriff stating im not balanced, narcissistic and revengeful. I left her an e-mail asking to see if she called the Sheriff on me…she said NO she contacted no one. Its funny she was the only person who ever said I was narcissistic and that is in writing and the revenge came from her thinking I was going to file a complaint. So, when I went to pick up my file I asked her to sigh a piece of paper stating she was not the one who called the Sheriff on me….she refused. As I sat down and read her notes she changed them to help her case, she said I had sloppy business skills, I called my emoloyees stupid (so not true) I was tired all the time over worked not making sense… I paid her in cash and I never new how much I had, I would never take a receipt from her..I complained when I had to pay her all this is not true I have an e-mail saying “your always good at paying me” one part of her notes talked about termination the first months I saw her….I do not get it. what do I do…she is so mean…she left out the part when I came to see her to have her read me my file she looked at me and said “your one sick girl” nothing like that on her notes..or swaring at me all the time, saying I have DID and never explaining it to me or why she would say such a stupid thing …when I confronted her about that she terminated me….help she ruined my life…I have nothing now…

  • Mary S

    March 10th, 2011 at 3:58 PM

    Elizabeth-
    Thanks for the additional information/clarification. Your situation does not sound as worrisome as it originally did. Also, the fact that you were able to talk constructively with your therapist about your concerns sounds like a good sign.

    Sue –
    Your comment reminds me that my therapist3 once said, “Transference has occurred without my intending it to.” Uhh ..

    However, some therapists now regard transference as what the client brings to the relationship, and countertransference what the therapist brings to it.
    That’s quite a change in meaning. The revised meaning is something that makes sense to me, and gives the client the opening to say, “I wonder if your response is countertransference.”

    I looked up Hedges’ book. It sounds to me not so much contemptuous as off in his own world. In fact, he says he does not like the phrase “transference psychosis,” but prefers “organizing transference,” since he maintains that this phenomenon is quite normal and common. He believes that this “transference” stems from some early trauma, possibly even before birth. His point seems to be that complaints often occur when the “organizing transference” arises. He doesn’t seem to blame the client so much as try to convince the complaints board that it is just a stage in the therapeutic process that the client is going through. What I wonder is if he uses informed consent, telling the client that this might happen.

  • margarets

    March 11th, 2011 at 9:31 AM

    Well of course a complaint is really just “transference”. That explanation serves two important purposes for the therapist: 1) It absolves the therapist of all blame, and 2) it cannot be proven or disproven. Ding ding ding! Therapist wins!

    And what is the remedy for transference? Why, more therapy. Lots and lots of therapy, which equals lots and lots of fees. Therapist wins again!

  • Sue

    March 11th, 2011 at 9:42 AM

    @Mary-I found Hedges’ world pretty scary.

    @Renee- Therapy with a crazy therapist can seem crazy-making. I had to to realize that the therapist was never going to save me, and it all was an unreal world. He made me feel “sick” to keep me hooked, and it’s a distorted lens.

    I too felt like the therapist ruined my life, but that was more of the self-pity he taught me to do. Once I saw this and started to overcome this, I felt stronger.

  • admin2

    March 11th, 2011 at 6:44 PM

    Hi everyone,

    I am Faith Markham, Topic Expert Coordinator here at GoodTherapy.org and I manage the blog. Thank you all so much for sharing your stories and creating such a meaningful and supportive forum on this post.

    I wanted to let you all know that Good Therapy is currently assisting Glamour Magazine in an investigative report on sexual exploitation in therapy. Please see our blog post (here: https://www.goodtherapy.org/blog/glamour-magazine-sexual-exploitation-therapy/) for more information and details about how to potentially share your story. Feel free to also leave any questions or concerns you may have about this as a comment on that post.

    Warmly,
    Faith :-)

  • margarets

    March 11th, 2011 at 7:13 PM

    Hello Faith! Actually I’ve been thinking lately that the blog admins deserve praise for creating this space for this discussion.

    I imagine it’s difficult sometimes to read the negative comments about therapy and therapists, so it’s a mark of your open-mindedness that you give commenters free rein.

    So, thanks!

  • Sue

    March 11th, 2011 at 10:29 PM

    Faith, adding to Margaret’s thanks as well. This isn’t an easy subject.

  • Mary S

    March 13th, 2011 at 6:59 PM

    I agree with Margaret and Sue. Very much appreciated.

  • Norse

    March 28th, 2011 at 6:33 AM

    Does anyone have anything good to say about therapy?

    I’ve see very few positive posts, and everyone seems to be ignoring them.

    How am I supposed to feel confident in ever seeing a therapist if the results are only negative, and no one can be helped?

    Is there no use in trying?

    Should I just give up?

    Every comment here is telling me that there is no hope for me. All of you are telling me, that there is no hope.

    Maybe it’s good I came here to see that no one can help me.

  • Lindsay

    December 12th, 2018 at 9:31 AM

    Hey there, don’t lose hope! I have been reading all of these posts as well, and many of them are very discouraging, but they are coming from a place of hurt and anger resulting from their work with therapists who were less than ethical. I’ve also noticed that it is the same few people replying to almost every single post or thread. It can take a while to find a person who is the right fit, but when you do, it is worth it into therapy can be extremely beneficial! I’m sorry that you feel as though things are hopeless . That’s a tough way to feel. But keep trying to find the right fit, they are out there!

  • Lee

    March 28th, 2011 at 7:36 AM

    I had a therapist who habitually called to change the time of our appointments. Sometimes she need to start 10 minutes late, or early, sometimes she wanted an hour later or earlier. Once she gave me the wrong time for an appointment, and I showed up, and she thought we were meeting an hour later. I had her on my voicemail confirming the time I showed up for, so she couldn’t claim I had “misunderstood” her. It got to the point where if the phone rang a few hours before our appointment, I was anxious that it would be her calling to change the time. The days I had therapy I became anxious about hearing from her. Finally I had to leave. There were other issues as well…but this one was really a big problem.

  • Lee

    March 28th, 2011 at 8:15 AM

    Well, I’ve been reading other posts on here, and they are all really helpful and informative. I want to share some other experiences I’ve had for the sake of hopefully helping others, including perhaps therapists who may be reading.

    So…..another therapist who worked with me while my mother was seriously ill with emphysema, seemed particularly uninterested in helping me come to terms with my anger about her illness. I was struggling with anger because she had been a terrible parent, and now needed alot of care from me. This was at a time when I was putting myself through graduate school, and working full-time as well, and I felt overwhelmed. My mother’s lung disease was directly related to her lifestyle, the fact that she had smoked between one and two packs of Marlboros for most of her life, and never exercised, and didn’t eat correctly. Basically, she didn’t take care of herself. I found it hard to cope with my anger, because I did want to be there for her, but I was also finding it difficult to create balance at that point in my life. I had to be in graduate school to obtain the license I needed in order to keep my job, so leaving wasn’t an option. I was under state requirements to acquire the necessary credentials in order to stay employed.

    I sensed that this therapist wasn’t really on my side, and would ask her how to deal with my anger, and she would simply say it was normal. Which didn’t really help me cope with it any better. I found myself getting impatient with my mother at times when I was taking care of her, and needed help in dealing with that, because I didn’t feel good about it. Once someone is ill, that’s it. There’s not much that can be done, and being unkind or impatient is not really helpful. I wanted help to deal with this ongoing situation.

    I finally left, because while I couldn’t put my finger on it….after all, I’m not a therapist…I sensed that my therapist didn’t approve of my feelings about my mother.

    On the day I left, as I was walking out the door, she stopped me and said that she felt I should know, that she was a smoker!!!

    I walked away completely stunned, and wondered why she continued to work with me, knowing what I was struggling with.

    I thought that it was a very strange thing to do, and then to acknowledge it as well, struck me as highly unprofessional.

    I would love some feedback on this. thanks!

  • margarets

    March 28th, 2011 at 7:09 PM

    Norse, this focus of this thread is questionable therapy, so naturally there will be many posts about bad therapy experiences. No doubt there is info on the internet about positive experiences too. There are good therapists, though I personally believe they are rare, exceptional and probably just naturally wise and compassionate people (i.e. their psychotherapy training didn’t make them that way). If you keep looking eventually you will find one.

    Lee, those are two pretty big red flags! The constant changing of appointments is just plain rude, and what good is a rude therapist? Re: the other issue, my guess is the therapist felt you were judging your mother’s smoking, and felt judged herself as a smoker, and therefore felt defensive and couldn’t work up any sympathy for your situation. Let’s face it, that therapist could very well be in your mother’s shoes at some point, and she knew it and didn’t like it. Why else would she bring it up, of all the things she could tell you about herself, right? I think that was her clumsy way of saying “don’t talk about smoking it makes me uncomfortable” or even “I can’t really help you with this because of my own issues”. She wanted you to make the decision to end therapy and solve the problem, so she wouldn’t have to do it. So it’s just as well you got out.

    Just my two cents.

  • Tired

    April 1st, 2011 at 12:21 AM

    I went to a therapist; didn’t feel comfortable going to her so I went and found another, and it worked out well. I found out later that the first therapist I saw had counseled a couple for marital issues, and ended up marrying the husband! She contributed to the breakup of the marriage. I have that on pretty good authority because I was working for a divorce lawyer at the time and she knew what had transpired. Good thing I trusted my gut and chose going to someone else – clearly that first therapist had some ethical issues!

  • Sylvia

    April 1st, 2011 at 6:34 AM

    Hello,

    Thank you for this thread and the list. Good to know I’m not alone. I’ve had a really bad experience with psychotherapists and psychologists. I’m still suffering from flashbacks, and although it’s been about 6 months since it’s finished, it’s still weighing heavy on my mind and heart. I was going to describe my experience with couple therapy here (as it was my longest and most important encounter with a therapist) but now I see the post got really long, and I still haven’t got to it, so I’ll leave it for later; for now I will just tell you about my online experiences with psychologists, which was before the face-to-face couple thing.

    Just to give you a little background, I decided to consult an online psyhologist when I and my ex had been together for about a year. Our relationship was strange from the very begining – I generally felt very neglected, ignored anc challenged by him, he was passive and often got angry when I mentioned I was hurt by something, or defensive when I spoke about my needs etc. On the other hand he got extremely emotional sometimes and broke down in tears, told me he was scared to open up because of his past and needed to feel more confident. I tried my best to make him feel safe and show understanding to even seemingly bizarre behaviours and explained the way I feel and why I feel this or that in a certain situation a hundred times. And I couldn’t get my head around why this wasn’t working. I lacked support and understanding, was in a rather difficult situation also in other areas of life, so finally it ended in panic attacks and depression for me. That’s when I decided to write to an online psychologist. I think they’re not the same “category” as counsellors you see face to face, so I’m not going to go into every detail of it, though I think they can be just as detrimental – at least it’s my experience. I was desperate and needed some opinion; all the articles I read about relationship problems and advice I took from them didn’t work. Before I started reading this stuff I had been thinking constantly why I wasn’t feeling OK in that relationship, trying to sort it out, I sought in myself, was far from blaming the other party, and when we had a disagreement, I took everything I heard from my bf seriously, acted on every suggestion, even though he didn’t seem to try to see things from my perspective at all. I read about self-esteem, differences between men and women, self-sufficiency, clear communication, all that modern mumbo jumbo. And when that didn’t work, I thought maybe my bf was an Aspie – but wasn’t, as it turned out. I did all the research, though it was clear for both of us there was a problem. He always had an excuse not to think about things (got angry when I wanted us to write down our expectations).

    So being desperate as I was, having got back to my home town, as I resigned from my job because of panic attacks, I decided it would be best to use psychological services online. Online for two reasons – first, my town is rather small and was scared I wouldn’t come across a good psychologist, second, the story of my relationship was so complicated that it would be better to write it all down, and also I had the chance to present my background – a lot of information at once, which I woudln’t be able to present during a normal eye-to-eye session. I bought out the package of 3 e-mails, so there was room for elaborating on things, clearing them up etc. if something didn’t seem right the first time. However, the final conclusion of that lady was that the same as she put forward in her first mail – that I expected too much of a relationship because I lacked huge amount of stuff during childhood, and it’s not my boyfriend’s task to fulfill those holes, so I should get therapy. I mentioned my talks with bf were very competitive – he would get confrontational about slightest things – and at some point it really started bothering me as I could never get my point across and he always had to win (also in any games we played). She asked me what exactly bothered me about him winning all the time and I answered what I knew – that at the begining it didn’t bother me at all, I was quick to express praise and accept his viewpoint on things, but it turned out that whenever I did that it automatically labelled my point of view as incorrect, sometimes I was also right when he was wrong, but he’s never admit it; and so I just started to feel denied and giving in became equal to rejecting my own standpoint. She said the way of thinking I was presenting – feeling of jealousy when a partner is winning, feeling you’re losing out, not being able to enjoy partner’s success – is damaging to a relationship, and that I should make my partner happy because by making partner happy we increase our own happiness. Getting answers like this was really painful to me – 1. I got no recognition I can feel like this because clearly my partner isn’t doing all those things she’s writing about – eg enjoying my happiness, 2. suggesting I’m not acting right, not doing those things, when they were natural to me, suggesting I am sabotaging my relationship. I felt like someone was denying me all that lovely stuff they were talking about and making me feel guilty about it. When I answered I didn’t know what to do because every attempt at a nicer conversation, making it more fun or close, ended in failure for me, she would still say the same thing. I also told her I didn’t get any recognition from him or adoration (he wouldn’t invite me out, pay compliments, flirt etc.)- either before or after the relationship started – whenever I mentioned my achievements, he would just say ‘aha’ or mention his own. The lady told me to do a Martian test – whether you really have to show praise every time one mentions their success and also said what’s natural to me is not necessarily natural to others. Same goes for the adoration part – she told me to ask myself what adoration meant to me as kindly informed me it differed in the beginning of a relationship and later – though I had mentioned I got it NEVER from him – and at the end of our correpondency concluded that what I was describing was only my problem (she just wrote it straight like this), and that I expexed everyone around to adore me, so I should get therapy. It was also suggested my bf had a pretty high self-esteem and was generally ok. Her conclusions were intertwined with some musings on relationships and advice following from them. One of those things was the idea that you should not try to change your partner but see how to change yourself so that you’re bearable to your partner, to resign from egoism daily etc. – they’re all valid things, I’m sure, but not working in my case, since I’d been doing all this, and still it wasn’t working. My partner – just the opposite, I was the one to accommodate, so serving me passages like these put me into more confusion and guilt I already got from doing everything wrong – because whenever I would address a problem with him, he’d get defensive and put the blame on me. I therefore suggested to the lady that I should also get something from this relationship and not only give, to which she replied that love is not about barter but mutuality. It’s hard to argue with this. Also, I told her I missed some bond with my partner, and if all this is just about not expecting and not meeting needs, if I just don’t open up and not rely on my partner, then why be in a relationship at all. She replied I wanted to become one with the partner but that entails using or even abusing the other person to meeting my needs, and also the expectation that he should live in my world, when we are two different worlds that should co-exist. Plus beautiful passages about open positive communication, bulding love on empathy, sense of humour, trying to find out the other’s expectations – everything that I had been putting to practice so long and it didn’t work. I felt really bad reading suggestions that I hadn’t done enough of it, whereas it was clear my partner wasn’t doing all this stuff – but there was absolutely no hint of a possibility there could be something wrong with him. It was really bad, but I had no other explanation for all this. I started feeling really, really bad when bf ‘won’ another discussion – because it should not bother me, it’s just a sign of his healthy self-esteem that he ignores my stuff and promotes his, and other things like this. I tried communicating even more, though I already wrote to the lady that even though I do communicate my needs, he wouln’t meet them, though he claimed he wanted to. She said that maybe it was a matter of habit – he was used to functioning in a certain way for more than 20 years and it would be hard to change, she even gave a ‘real-life’ example of how difficult it is for her to stop being messy. And threw in an inspirational story on how we should accept what we can’t change in other people. There were many more ‘highlights’ like this in this correspondence – I was never confrontational with her, if I had doubts her interpretation fitted my situation, I always wrote why. Still she wouldn’t change her mind one bit. The conclusion was I expected bf (and ‘everyone around’) to meet my needs that should have been met in childhood. In my last letter I even asked straight whether it wouldn’t be better to break up if there are seemingly such huge differences between us, and so many things I ‘disliked’. Well, the answer I got to that was just that – suggestion I was using him to meet my needs and getting frustrated if he wasn’t able to, and he was not there to meet such needs, so I should get therapy. This left me devastated – I felt something was wrong with this, but just as I couldn’t reject every thing my bf was saying about me (I always treated his reproaches seriously and tried to accommodate), the same way I couldn’t just reject the “specialist” opinion, especially that I had 3 e-mails to explain the matter and her opinion didn’t evolve. So I thought that there might indeed be something wrong with me, even though I really did all I could, acted in accordance with rules of communication, taking into consideration all the possible differences between the sexes and people in general, never assuming the other person understands everything the same way as me, never attacking, rather giving out positive signals about what I’d like and all this stuff, never forcing him to act in any way, making sure he wanted to meet my expectations according to his vision of a relationship, comparing our visions etc. And it’s still suggested I’m not doing it right, assuming too much for myself and generally it’s only my problem, and he’s ok. Some months later I wrote to another psychologist online – she told me to treat what she wrote as a hypothesis (yes, at least she made such a disclaimer) and that the problem might be I am a very feminine woman who likes talking sharing her feelings, and he was a manly male, who just cares about facts. And that I should understand that rivalry is man’s natural environment (I mentioned our competitive talks). I answered that e-mail saying that it was also manly to be courteous to a girl or maybe try to conquer her, make her feel safe etc. so it’s hard to accept he’s just manly when he’s lacking other ‘manly’ traits. She wrote back saying that indeed it’s normal to expect to have your needs met in a relationship, and that I apparently I was open to meet bf’s needs but for some reason he wasn’t open to meet mine, so all she could suggest was couple therapy. And so we went to therapy… But that’s a different story.

    I will just tell you what I know NOW. My boyfriend is an Adult Child of an Alcoholic and his behaviours that I couldn’t understand are all typical of the syndrome – he’d get defensive for fear of getting hurt, he was scared of rejection so he didn’t initiate stuff, he was cynical when I tried flirting because he’d be scared of being ridiculed, he was scared to show enthusiasm when I talked about my stuff for fear of getting close, he’d put the blame on me for all my hurt, as he was scared of not meeting my expectations well enough, he always had to win because… and so on. I don’t really understand why no-one suggested such a possibility. I didn’t mention the fact my bf’s father was an alcoholic to the lady I wrote to – (I’d learnt it a few months after the relationship started,I probably knew it at that stage but probably wasn’t aware it could have such a huge impact searching for causes in all sorts of different areas), but I think now with all the info I gave her she could have asked a bit about his background. Of course I’d heard about the syndrome, but somehow didn’t know much about it and didn’t get seriously interested as I had a different idea of an alcoholic family, I guess. I knew his father and he hadn’t been drinking for a few years, and from what I understood from my bf his father drank a few years when bf was in secondary school, so not throughout his childhood. For some reason I couldn’t see the link – my bf obviously couldn’t as well – all the blockages, issues he told me about in the beginning were of romantic nature – past disappointment, so neither of us saw connection to childhood. Later it turned out that my bf’s father had begun drinking rougly when my bf was born, so it must have had an impact for sure. Btw, when we went to couple therapy at some point we talked about our families and mentioned the fact of my bf’s dad’s alcoholism. It never made any difference to the therapy anyway.

  • Mary S

    April 3rd, 2011 at 8:58 PM

    To Norse (and others who may have similar concerns),

    Please do bear in mind what Margaret said, that this particular web page is focusing on what can go wrong with therapy, so does not give the whole picture of therapy.

    Tired’s post gave a good example of how a client can “fire” a poor therapist, then find one who is good for them.

    Here is some more detail that might help you get a better picture of the overall situation: From what I’ve read, researchers who study the effectiveness of therapy estimate that about 10% of clients have negative therapy experiences. So proportionately, that is small. But if you take 10% of all the people trying therapy, the actual numbers are very large. You are seeing a sample of that 10% here, but not much of the other 90%. (I don’t know what the analogous percentages of harm from medical treatment are, but we have all heard of situations where someone acquires an infection because of inadequate sanitation in a hospital, or has a serious side effect from a drug, or a preventable drug interaction, or encounters an unscrupulous or incompetent physician. But despite these harmful effects, medical treatments very often really help – and can be lifesaving.)

    My reading also indicates that in studies of therapy, not all of the remaining 90% or so do benefit from the therapy being studied – some percentage (it seems to vary depending on what the person goes to therapy for, the particular type of therapy, and the therapist) don’t get worse, but don’t get the improvement they hope for either. Still, the ones who don’t benefit from the therapy and therapist in the study might benefit from a different type of therapy or a different therapist. In fact, there is a lot of evidence that the therapist-client fit is important. A therapist who may be good for one client may not be good for another, and vice-versa.

    So the take-home messages are:

    1. Be aware that you may need to “shop” carefully for a therapist. They are not all of equal quality. The information on this web page can help you recognize some red flags that can help you avoid a poor therapist and a poor fit. You may have to try one or two sessions with a therapist before being able to make a decent decision as to whether or not they are worth trying more. Also, even in good therapy, disagreements may occur. But if you can’t patch them up, or if too many red flags arise, it’s time to cut your losses and start over again. I know this can be hard, but it is better than continuing to work with a therapist who may be harmful, or even wasting your time, effort, and money on something that is not likely to be helpful.

    2. Be aware that not all problems can be solved by therapy. But sometimes they can be helped a lot even if not completely solved. (Medical analogy: There is no cure for diabetes, but good medical treatment can help you live better with it.) So be sure to be wary of a therapist who makes grand promises of outcomes.

    3. Therapy often requires hard work, and/or facing painful things by the client, and may involve setbacks now and then. (Again, the diabetes analogy fits: A diabetic needs to develop good habits of eating, taking medications properly, and exercise in order for the medical help to be effective. This can be difficult, but is well worth the effort.) So be prepared for such inherent difficulties. But a good therapist will help you as much as possible through the difficult times, and won’t introduce unnecessary difficulties.

    4. For some people, self-help can be as effective as, or better than, therapy. So don’t dismiss it if it seems workable for you. But also use the same care and caution in selecting a self-help method as you need in selecting a therapist. If it doesn’t make sense to you, or if it sounds too good to be true, then it’s probably not likely to be helpful. And expect it to involve some hard work, occasional setbacks, and possibly facing some painful things.

    Good luck and best wishes!

  • Brit

    April 4th, 2011 at 8:12 PM

    My very very close friend says his therapist will not let him bring his mother or even his partner to therapy. He gets to therapy at around 9 AM and doesn’t come back from it until 6 PM at earliest. He goes to his therapist’s home. His therapist has him and some of his friends as facebook friends. Maybe I’m just being overly cautious but that sounds off to me. Can someone explain this to me? I was even unsure if he was actually going to therapy because it sounds so weird but he definitely is. So I’m now concerned with these issues.

  • Mary S

    April 6th, 2011 at 8:09 AM

    Brit,
    This sounds more like a cult than therapy. Do your friend a favor by checking into this “therapist”. Ask for the therapist’s name (if you don’t know it already) and the name of the “therapy”, then search them on the web and see what you can find.

  • Brit

    April 6th, 2011 at 6:09 PM

    Is there a place on the web where I can search a databse or something of liscenced therapists? And does the fact that he works through the air force make any difference?

  • Mary S

    April 6th, 2011 at 8:13 PM

    Brit, I don’t know the answer to your questions.

    Can anyone else reading this help?

  • margarets

    April 8th, 2011 at 7:27 AM

    Mary S, please cite the research that says 90% of therapy clients have a good/helpful/worthwhile experience.

    Sylvia, your experience reminds me a little of mine. I was in a lousy relationship (although brief, thank god) and my therapist kept making excuses for the guy’s lousy behaviour and implying that the *real* problem was me and my issues with relationships. Except she didn’t know anything about me or my issues with relationships, because we never discussed it. At all. To this day she has no idea whether I’ve ever been married, how many times, if I’ve been in relationships with women also or what. It was all speculation on her part.

    This is why a bad therapist will always find fault with *you*: it keeps you in therapy, and keeps you paying their fees. The LAST thing a bad therapist wants you thinking is that you are basically OK and can figure out your problems on your own. A bad relationship is an *excellent* source of fodder for therapy sessions, so a bad therapist won’t want you to break it off in a hurry. The LAST thing you will hear from a bad therapist is that it’s OK to end a relationship that is making you miserable (because you might start getting ideas about quitting the therapy that is making you miserable too).

    If you’d asked me, as a friend, what I thought of your relationship, I would have given it to you straight: whatever the cause of your bf’s issues, he’s not treating you with kindness and respect, you don’t have to ask for kindness and respect or wait around for it, that’s not healthy, and it’s TOTALLY OK to bail on an unhealthy relationship.

    Brit, your state govt (if you are in the USA) probably has a licensing agency for psychologists and social workers, but “therapist”, “psychotherapist” and similar may not be regulated titles and therefore anyone can call themselves by those titles regardless of their training or experience. You’ll have to research this. Be warned that licensing is no guarantee that a therapist is any good. I agree that your friend’s therapy sounds very cultish, but if he believes it’s helping him it may be VERY difficult to get him away from it.

  • margarets

    April 8th, 2011 at 7:33 AM

    Brit, do you mean that the *therapist* works through the Air Force, or your friend? If it’s the therapist, I would hope that the Air Force has vetted him very carefully and would only hire someone with proper qualifications and licenses, and would kick out a therapist engaging in questionable behaviour. All-day sessions, going to the therapist’s home, being Facebook friends, bringing family along – all of these qualify as questionable.

  • Brit

    April 8th, 2011 at 11:03 AM

    The “therapist” works through the air force. Thats how my friend found him because he’s in the military too, just not the same branch. I’ve convinced him to call and try to convince his therpaist to let SOMEONE (preferably me so I can either validate my fears or calm down) go with him this week but if that falls through, I’m demanding a phone number. I’ve also asked a psychology prof. that I trust and she agrees with you guys explicitly. Thank you for the help! :)

  • Mary S

    April 8th, 2011 at 8:57 PM

    Margarets,
    I didn’t mention research that says 90% of therapy clients have a good/helpful/worthwhile experience, because I am not aware of such research. Can you give me references?

  • Sylvia

    April 9th, 2011 at 10:27 AM

    Margarets,

    What you’re saying makes sense, however I find it surprising that that psychologist of mine implied the problem was me and the other party was OK in view of the fact that it was just an online consultation – a package of 3 mails, and what she advised me was stationary therapy – apparently not with her, as I mentioned I lived in a totally different place, so she would have no profit from it anyway. I just guess she was plain dumb and wanted to “show off” using modern mumbo jumbo, as some other therapist (whom I just happened to get familiar with, but she wasn’t my therapist) noticed.

    After one year I sent an e-mail to that online psychologist expressing my opinion – on the site of their service they encourage the clients to give reviews, so I did. I wrote about what I’d found out about my boyfriend’s issues, and that I was dissatisfied with the consultation as it led me in the wrong direction, enhancing the pain in the relationship, although it had been suggested in my e-mails that I sensed there was something wrong about it and expressed my doubts. I wrote that my problem was not merely giving a wrong diagnosis, but sticking to a diagnosis that is detrimental to the client and suggesting the course of action that in fact had been causing the problems in the first place. If she had given me something that just didn’t work, it would be ok, just a mistake, but if she insisted on something that is just the opposite of what should have been done (more altruism, less egoism – exactly the cause of the problem – of course it’s an oversimplification, but just to give you the idea) despite my doubts and examples to the contary, that’s very unprofessional and also lacks human touch.

    The answer I got is that lady was no longer working there but they would pass my mail over to her. In the meantime someone else answered for her. She wrote that she had gone through my correspondence with that woman, and it may have indeed looked like I had not got the empathy and understanding I needed at that time. At the same time she wrote she wasn’st going to defend the competences of that lady because in her opinion she didn’t need that. If I got her right, it was my fault again. She stated that I could have written to that woman: “Please show me more empathy because I can’t see it in the lines you’re giving me” and also “Please give me another hypothesis because the one I got doesn’t really make sense” (wasn’t that what I did really? just not in such a bold or blunt way) or I could have asked for a different psychologist as that was also an option. She also told me to notice a certain thing: that despite the fact I felt hurt by my ex-bf, I still sticked to him, and despite the fact I felt hurt by that woman, I still sticked to her. This is quite interesting because when I first wrote to that psychologist about my problems in the relationship, I also mentioned that I had a tendency to stay in situations which weren’t good for me – I wrote about a long and toxic friendship and a previous relationship, and even gave reasons why I think it was the case I acted this way, and I said that maybe it was yet another situation like this, that I didn’t want to see I was being mistreated and I was holding on to many explanations for my boyfriend’s behaviour, just like in the previous relationships, where in fact I should not accept them, as it always ended up badly for me, when I ignored my inner voice. Having that just given on a plate, the lady would say I indeed had problems with self-respect and my friendship had been bad for me, but the girl I was friends with still made me feel like I was better than her (because she expressed her jealousy often, discouraging me or sometimes even acting maliciously in order to prevent me from doing my stuff, developing – mainly it was about academic performance but also passions – she seemed jealous of my intelligence and played down the importance of learning, working etc.) and my then boyfriend didn’t make feel like I was better (he used to ignore or downplay my successes, always had to win, picked on details, so anything I said or did was never good enough) because he had a healthy self-esteem and it bothered me, because I felt threatened or whatever – but it was my problem because my needs for recognition were just screaming unfulfilled, so I should think about my career and get therapy. At the same time I shouldn’t neglect my inner voice, and maybe my panic attacks were trying to tell me something is wrong in the career department. It was, of course, but I still think the inner voice was pointing mainly to the relationship. That’s a side note, sorry for being chaotic, hope it’s still clear what I mean. The letter I got from that psychologist’s colleague ended on a “positive note” – that the crises like the ones I’ve been through in the relationship and also with the psychologist lead me to search for answers in myself, get to know myself more, develop. It was also said I had a lot of inner knowledge and should use it. Jesus, if life was that simple that we always knew what we felt was right despite signals pointing to the contary and had no quandaries, who would need psychologists?

    I don’t really understand when a psychologist is surprised you didn’t end a relationship with them or their peer when you felt something was wrong. As if it was that simple. I clearly stated when I had doubts about some hypothesis, not that I accepted everything blindly, but I still got the same answer, and my doubts were explained in some roundabout way or as denial, so – if I trust the psychologist – I will not reject his hypothesis straight away but think about it. But later when it proves wrong, it’s still my fault I accepted it in the first place. In other words, it’s my fault I trusted in his professionalism.

    I don’t get that logic. I ask a professional for an opinion on a relationship that makes me feel bad. She says it’s not really the other person, but my own issues, and implies it would be the same with any other person, which implies sticking to that one guy, as he seems OK. Then her colleague says something along the lines” if that guy made you feel bad, why didn’t you leave?” and “if that psychologist made you feel bad, why didn’t you quit?” at the same time defending the skills of her colleague. I don’t get it, to me it’s contradictory…

  • margarets

    April 9th, 2011 at 6:03 PM

    Mary S, this is what you wrote that suggested (to me) that you had come across such research:

    “From what I’ve read, researchers who study the effectiveness of therapy estimate that about 10% of clients have negative therapy experiences. So proportionately, that is small. But if you take 10% of all the people trying therapy, the actual numbers are very large. You are seeing a sample of that 10% here, but not much of the other 90%.

    Sylvia, that circular logic, that whole “be open-minded about what the therapist says, don’t be ‘resistant’, but if the therapist is wrong it’s your fault for listening to them” thing, is not at all uncommon in the therapy world.

  • Mary S

    April 10th, 2011 at 7:49 PM

    margarets,

    The next paragraph after the quote you gave said,

    “My reading also indicates that in studies of therapy, not all of the remaining 90% or so do benefit from the therapy being studied – some percentage (it seems to vary depending on what the person goes to therapy for, the particular type of therapy, and the therapist) don’t get worse, but don’t get the improvement they hope for either.”

    In other words, I was grouping into “negative” (perhaps “harmful” would have been clearer), “positive/helpful” and “neither harmful nor helpful.”

    I hope this clarifies what I was trying to say.

  • Sylvia

    April 12th, 2011 at 12:25 PM

    I’d like to share my experience of „real” therapy here (real as opposed to the previous, online thing I described) as I think it contains a lot of red flags, some of which are easy to see (not to me at that time obviously, but still), some of which are quite subtle.

    I went to couple therapy with my then boyfriend of one year for reasons I mentioned in the other posts. We were quite happy with the first meeting – the therapist seemed pleasant, nice and quite understanding of the situation (made a few remarks that fitted). We also specified the goals for the therapy, so it all looked pretty professional. The next 2 or 3 sessions weren’t bad either – I as well as my boyfriend felt quite understood about a couple of issues. But the more it went on, the worse it got. The therapy wasn’t really structured, the lady started by letting us speak what we wanted, even when we didn’t have anything to say, but obviously it didn’t bother us initially as we did have things to speak about, but discussing them didn’t really help us understand the problem we came with, so after a while it was pointless. Sometimes it happened the same thing was mentioned twice, but the therapist wouldn’t remember. From the beginning she had a habit of answering the phone during sessions, usually only to say she wasn’t able to speak at that very moment and asking to call back in an hour etc. Also, she sometimes extended the sessions by 30 minutes or even an hour without notice, charging more – in accordance with the time the session lasted. But we didn’t really see neither of those as a big deal, because we knew she had small children so it might be important to her to have her phone switched on, and also we had to go to her by train a couple of hours every week or two (as we were living in different cities and this met halfway), so longer sessions were welcomed. Although it IS unprofessional, I think it wouldn’t really bother me, had it not been for some more important things that went wrong.

    In this post I’d like to concentrate on the manner in which a T speaks to a client. Sometimes it is hard to pinpoint where something is wrong, but you feel that there is something wrong. Perphaps it will be useful to somebody.

    Before we went to therapy, neither of us had had experience like this, so we didn’t necessarily know when something was wrong. It seemed fine on the surface, though when I look at it now, some of the things before it went really wrong were questionable. I’ll give you an example: we were speaking about our needs, wishes in the relationship and I said „I’d like to go out for dinners or coffee, as normal, average couples do” (I added that latter bit not to be accused of some fancy needs), T’s response: „But you’re not an average couple”. Hard to argue with that. But is that really a constructive answer? At that time I didn’t question it, I was just confused. Similar situation: T asks me what would need to happen for me to trust my partner again. My answer: „I’d like to feel understood, I’d like him to say something, show me that he understands so that I can feel it, to capture me”, T’s reply: „Maybe he’s not a captivating man?”. Again, what can I say to that? Is that really relevant to what I said? It took me a few more months and ending meeting with that T to realise there was something wrong with such answers. I guess I was used to my needs/wants/feelings being questioned all the time in the relationship, so it was hard to spot ‘wrongness’ in it. Don’t know whether that fits any point on the list of warning signs, I wouldn’t know how to call it, but I think it’s wrong. I understand the technique of questioning something that the client says in order to make him stop and think, look at things from a different angle, or perhaps make him see he’s making assumptions that are not necessarily true, but I’m really having a hard time seeing the validity and purpose of this technique as my T used it in the examples I gave you. What should I have have learned from it? I don’t get it…

    Another thing which was confusing was silence. Sometimes we discussed some situation, she would offer an explanation, then I’d give reasons why this explanation wouldn’t do for me (normally because throughout my relationship I’d had time to test many explanations and they just wouldn’t do – that’s why this whole relationship thing was so confusing to me in the first place), express my doubts asking some questions, and she would just keep silent and move on to the next topic. This happened just a couple of times, but still it’s strange. I remember once at the beginning of a session there was some small talk, and I said I was very tired and quite confused, that my mind felt like a mess, so I didn’t know if I would be able say something of quality that day. (This was one of the last sessions, in the period when I was feeling less and less grounded.) This was also left with no comment and in a couple of moments we just started the session as normal. At this point, I think, she was pretty ill-disposed towards me and it showed more and more. The reason might be the fact I didn’t accept her explanations just like this but questioned and had doubts. She told me more than once that I tended to say „yes, but…” to many things, and used a metaphor that she was offering many different cakes but I was picky. So at one point I became really scared to express my real thoughts and often bit my tongue for fear of hearing how I had to disagree. Is that the effect you want to have on your client? I was ‘picky’ also with my boyfriend – and I told her I know it might look like I was, but that the reason was I was scared to accept something, take for granted or to give in because it happened many times that I agreed on something, just let it go, but later it turned out my boyfriend picked on some details to use it against me – he often said that I didn’t make myself clear so he misunderstood (even though it had been explained many times before in similar situations) or admitting him right labelled me wrong, and I would not allow this anymore. I also said that I’ve been told by many that I was laid back and even non-assertive, and it is only in this relationship that I learnt to be so confrontational. Her answer was: „I don’t know if you were like this before or just now, but you are like this now” with quite an angry voice, I don’t remember if she added some suggestion I need to stop being like this, I might be wrong…

    I also remember she laughed at me. Maybe I’m overreacting calling it like that but it wasn’t pleasant. I was talking about some hurtful situation, when I felt ignored by my boyfriend. This may not in fact have seemed like a big deal but in view of the general situation it was quite painful to me. I wanted to explain it in detail so that it was clear what I meant and wanted to present it in the most objective way possible. As a result I might have not have been so good in getting it across perfectly clear, maybe it was too detailed and fast for her, as she was staring at me with a rather condescending smile. When I finished she said smiling „I don’t know what you’re talking about” and turned to my ex: „Do you know what she’s talking about?” and they just shook their shoulders and kind of laughed. It was humiliating. She also kind of mocked me when I talked about how my boyfriend needed to be right all the time and always had an opinion on every subject (which he presented as the only right view, showing no interest in mine). She said something like: „ooh, if he has his own opinion, then it’s really a problem”, I said: „but he ALWAYS has an opinion on everything”, her answer: „If always then you should dump him”, to which I didn’t know what to say, I felt really awful but I heard of a technique like this, so I thought I should just take it easy and smile or it would get worse. So I did smile but also I said: „I don’t really feel understood”. To which she continued the ‘fun’ thing and said: „But what do you mean? I do agree with you, don’t I?”. And they both had fun, which was even more painful to me as any attempts at turning something into joke in my relationship always ended in failure because my ex allegedly felt treated lightheartedly, but there with her he laughed. Of course she also stated I had problems with self-esteem if I can’t accept a different opinion. At a different occasion it was suggested I expected everyone to agree with me.

    Because before I went to therapy I read all the modern mumbo jumbo and the e-mails I told you about, I was scared to express my needs for recognition, attention etc. or expect anyone to do something especially for me, which they wouldn’t normally do. Well, I mentioned dinners and coffee anyway, and you know what happened. So yep, I threw it off my mind completely. It was also suggested a couple of times I was trying to change my partner, so I was scared to say anything that would raise suspicions like this either. But still I felt there was something wrong, that our relationship lacked some intimacy, nice talks (scared to mention for fear she’d say maybe he’s not a nice talker), romantic dinners (scared to say), flirt (same), fun (same) – any of these could be considered „my way”. So I said I couldn’t exactly understand that my partner didn’t try to get closer, that he didn’t miss some intimacy, such as some nice talks, romantic evenings, etc. Her answer: „If you want him to be romantic because he’s like that, he won’t be, because he isn’t. Such things you do when you love somebody” in quite an unpleasant voice. I was flabbergasted – yep, she’s right, it always seemed to me it was natural to do something you wouldn’t normally do just to make the other happy, but then again I had learnt not to expect anything my way. Plus, from the beginning of our therapy it was clear that my boyfriend in fact DID NOT do those things – so what, am I not right in feeling like he doesn’t care? And I am being told all the time that he cares a lot, but I’m just not open to see it. I felt awful, I wanted to say: „But exactly, so why isn’t he doing such things when he knows I’d like them?” but I was scared for fear she’d reproach me with being confrontational and picky on my boyfriend again.

    Once the T said to me: „Sure you have the right not to like something” when I was going to describe something that made me feel bad. And since that time I learnt to express my feelings through saying what I „didn’t like”, because I felt blocked and scared to talk about my needs. So I think it also intensified the impression I was picky and hard to please. I remember she once said with a sort of disgust to what I said: „You’re showing some… strange pride. I don’t understand.” Of course she didn’t want me to explain anyway, but I was even more inhibited to show any feelings.

    OK, as the post got really long, I’ll end for the time being, though there was much more stuff like this during that therapy. I’ll leave it for next time maybe, as some of those things are quite significant and maybe someone will find them helpful. I also hope the things I described above will be of use, too.

  • margarets

    April 12th, 2011 at 8:14 PM

    Mary, thanks for that clarification. I got the impression that you had found a specific study with those figures.

    Sylvia, yikes! The couples therapy sounds like a disaster! And it doesn’t sound like there was any rhyme or reason to it – just off-the-cuff nonsensical antagonizing comments from the therapist. It also sounds like she was willing to make excuses for the bf’s crap behaviour, which is in itself a major red flag.

  • Sue

    April 13th, 2011 at 1:37 PM

    I think there are many challenges in conducting any efficacy studies, partly because how do we pinpoint when someone really improves his life?

    I would have called one pitying therapy a positive experience at the time, and the therapist considered me a great success. But in hindsight, this doctor was encouraging me toward a more helpless and child-like self-concept, rather than assisting me to be a happier, more effective adult. Any steps I’ve made toward that were only in dismantling and questioning EVERYTHING that therapists taught me.

    I’ve read that one third to one-half of clients leave therapy early, according to their therapists’ evaluations. I assume this is a lost percentage not included in the efficacy studies.

    To Brit–My opinion, all day therapy this isn’t one red flag, this is a row of them waving. I hope your friend gets away from this ASAP.

  • AJ

    April 13th, 2011 at 2:37 PM

    The therapist calls you back in after you have left the building because there is something on the chair that you were sitting on. She wants you to look at it (it was a 1″ x 1/2″ mark) and accuses you of having something on your pants. Then she starts to freak out and gets angry because now she is going to have her chair cushion cleaned….there was nothing on my pants or on the light gray cloth upholstery of my car. Maybe it was just time to have the 20 year old chair cleaned and covered with plastic!

  • Mary S

    April 15th, 2011 at 7:50 PM

    Sue,
    Yes, there are lots of challenges in efficacy studies.

    By the way, there is a technical distinction between “efficacy” and “effectiveness”. Roughly speaking, “efficacy” refers to a randomized, controlled trial, where therapists are typically intensively trained and monitored in the method being tested, and where there is a lot of effort typically to establish a good therapeutic relationship between therapist and client. “Effectiveness” typically refers to studies in the community, without as much training and monitoring of therapists, and possibly no comparison group.

    The proper analysis for efficacy studies does include the drop-outs – this analysis is called “intent-to-treat.” However, some studies do not use this, instead just analyzing those who finish treatment. There are also lots of other less-than-best-practices that crop up in analyzing efficacy studies.

    There are also, as you say, problems with measurement. As another example, the questionnaire used may not include what is most important to a particular client. And therapists have disagreements on what are the appropriate questions – for example, some say the Beck depression inventory focuses too much on feeling guilty, and not enough on what most people consider symptoms of depression.

    So I wouldn’t be surprised if the estimates of 10% harmful therapy that I mentioned above are actually underestimates.

    Sylvia,
    Although the details of your couple therapy are in many ways very different from my therapy, it presents the same themes of seeming capricious and arbitrary, heavy in tactlessness, and very inappropriate laughing at the client that I have experienced. I often felt as if I had “kick me” written on my forehead in thearpy; I rarely have had that feeling in “real life.” I sometimes thought of my therapy experience as feeling like a ping-pong ball being batted back and forth. Definitely not my idea of professional behavior.

  • Sue

    April 17th, 2011 at 1:41 PM

    Mary S. If you’re blogging I hope you’ll give us the blog title. I’ve love to learn more about your reading and research. A few of us have blogs now, which we refer to above. Though this thread isn’t an easy topic, it’s a valuable discussion for me.

  • margarets

    April 18th, 2011 at 5:25 PM

    Mary, I second Sue’s comment about your blog (if you are doing one).

  • Mary S

    April 19th, 2011 at 8:29 PM

    Sorry, I don’t have a blog. I just occasionally comment on other people’s.

  • Sylvia

    April 23rd, 2011 at 5:43 PM

    Has anyone actually contacted their therapist when they’ve realised they were mistreated by them? I am so angry at my therapist and I’ve been repressing this anger, especially during the therapy just for fear I’d be to blame again. I feel like she preyed on me being weak and not able to stand up for myself – as any attempt at doing it turned against me anyway. I felt something was wrong all the time, but I could not express it in words, was too inhibited. This may sound really like a stupid idea (and maybe it is) but I sometimes think of writing an e-mail to that former therapist kind of proving that indeed she was lame and unprofessional, and not me, because now I can point down why, then I could not. Do you think it makes any sense? I have a lot of anger and resentment inside (and it’s been almost a year) – towards her but also towards myself for not ending the therapy sooner and generally letting myself be treated that way.

  • Sue

    April 27th, 2011 at 12:51 PM

    The more phony and flimsy they are, the more they need to shut out the reality of their destructiveness. Impostures hold their delusions near. It’s the only way they can keep going.

  • Melissa

    April 28th, 2011 at 11:40 AM

    I went to see a therapist through social services recently. I’m normally depressed and recently lost two loved ones in my life so I wanted to talk about it ofcourse. The therapist was okay but I wanted to cancel my next appointment because I wanted to mainly look into disability. I’ve job hopped numerous times and had been fired as well.. because of my depression and slight learning disability. I was already given numorous phone numbers by the therapist I spoke to if I needed to talk to someone, and I also have loved ones to confide in as well whenever I need. So… anyway I decided to be polite and try to cancel my appointment, and I get this crazy/obnoxious white lady on the phone who was annoyed w/ me canceling my appointment and kept trying to get me to stick with it. I have to admit… I normally hate confrontation (or situations where it FEELS like the person is trying to be confrontational) and am not usually “verbally rude” but I eventually blew up on her. She just seemed rude, or seemed like she thought I was full of it or something. I hope that lady isn’t also a THERAPIST. Speaking to that particular lady didn’t feel positive and experiences like that make me reluctant to return to that particular building for special needs/social services.

  • Hillary

    April 29th, 2011 at 7:16 AM

    I really like my therapist that I have been going to for almost 3 years now. He is really a great therapist. He has helped me through so many things….the first reason I went there was because I was cutting and attempted suicide and a friend told me that she had heard he was a good therapist…throughout my therapy he has helped me with the depression and cutting…I am now almost 6 months cut free…he also helped me a lot last year when I got sexually assualted…if it had not been for him I would probably not be here now. I really appreciate all the help he has given me.

  • GivingUp

    April 30th, 2011 at 1:33 AM

    Therapistratings has gone under: “Due to spam and malicious users, we’ve decided to shut the Therapist Ratings service down at this time.” It was one of only a few sites where you could share your opinions and experiences of what therapy or a therapist has done to you. Yes, some are malicious, but for the most part, I believe people were speaking of true experiences. I know I was, but any sort of criticism offended the therapist who called it malicious. They only want good things posted about them. I was abused by a therapist, severely and so much that I am now on ssdi, have severe ptsd, and excrutiating pain. A list of people and organizations I have asked for help from and explained what happened to me follows:
    the therapist themself
    the state licensing board
    her peer group
    her supervisor, a famous one
    another professional who has been on Oprah
    other therapists
    the police
    the courts
    NESCH
    NASW – Maine
    NASW – California
    NESTD
    NAMI
    ISSTD
    ASCH
    responses were either no reply; sympathy, but tough luck; and the most traumatic were threats of arrest and lawsuits.
    Their is a definite need to address the wide range of freedom and lack of overseeing the actions of these therapists. It is so much severe than anyone of authority cares to recognize. My therapist broke everyone of the codes above (the social workers’ codes). Yet nothing is done; the client becomes the problem and the bad one. Something needs to change; just ONE organization needs to step up and begin to make changes. If not, things will only get worse and NO ONE will be helped. As I tell myself everyday, not even God can let me live forever.

  • Stef

    April 30th, 2012 at 7:30 PM

    Giving up

    Don’t give up! I know exactly what happened and who you are referring to. I tried to use them as a adjunct therapist because my T thought having a female adjunct might offer me a kind of nurturer. It was a total disaster. I left a negative review of that therapist , and then was maliciously bullied and berated by her “followers”. I was bombarded with nasty emails and etc. It was very painful. And my T felt horrible for ever suggesting it. I am so sorry you too were victimized. It did greatly affect me. My T had to rebuild the foundation of my therapy because she had torn it down so badly. Then the “followers” started leaving negative bogus ratings for my T. They don’t even know him. Never had seen or even spoken to him. I felt so bad. I had him go read everything. He did and told me not to worry about it. Not to feel,any blame or guilt that I am not responsible for the actions of others. This was a traumatic experience for me.

    Again I am so sorry for what happened.
    Stef

  • Sage

    May 1st, 2011 at 4:13 PM

    Hi Giving Up

    Sorry to hear about therapistratings

    The unethical therapists out there do not care to be exposed….and are whining loudly at this time about any website that allows reviews of their work. I have to admit that some of what I saw on therapistratings was a bit “over the egde” in terms reporting experiences. Some folks did abuse the site,publishing under different names and really slamming the therapist as compared to writing an honest review of their bad experience.
    Fortuanately however you can still get the name of the therapist out there through yelp, and other review sites that the therapist is listed on.If the complaint is legitimate, and truthful, there should be no issue with attaching one’s name when registering in order to post a review …this is usually required, but your name not published.
    You can also start a blog about your experiences…most cost nothing and are easy to set up….”WordPress” and “Blogger” are very simple to get started on!

    It’s important to get info about unethical therapists
    out there before more folks looking for help are harmed instead!

  • Tracy

    May 2nd, 2011 at 5:18 PM

    GivingUp
    Did you file a complaint with your State Licensing Board? If so, what was the outcome? You only state above that you explained to them what happened to you.

    The most difficult part of dealing with Licensing Boards is that they want “proof” and “evidence” of a therapist’s unethical abusive behavior. Proof and evidence are difficult to provide as there are(almost always) no witnesses to what happened and what was said behind closed doors….leading to a “therapist said/ client said” situation. Many times as well Licensing Boards will take the “word” of the therapist and their attorney, much more seriously, than that of the client who generally is not professionally represented. More or less, you’re on your own in dealing with Licensing Boards unless you have the financial resources to have an attorney’s assistance. On the other hand, the therapist’s attorney is most often covered by his or her malpractice/liability insurance, and costing him nothing except his annual policy fee.
    The therapist I dealt with had committed insurance fraud (2 ways!) In the end, the therapist did have to pay the insurance company back ( I had filed a fraud complaint w/them for sessions charged for but not provided) and withdraw as a provider, and the insurance company had to reimburse me for payments I made to the therapist for sessions he claimed the insurance company denied payment for, when in fact he had never filed claims for sessions at all! (this is fraud by charging the client more than the copay amount for sessions fully covered under a managed care contract). Finally, as a result of the Licensing Complaint, the therapist was asked (but not mandated) by the State Dept. of Public Health to take classes in “Office&Billing Practices” and in Therapist/Client Boundaries” However….there was no formal “disciplinary action” and therefore, no public record that could warn furture clients of his antics.
    BTW… Too bad about therapist ratings (some of the comments were intelligent & potentially useful!) You can still post a review somehwere like “yelp” (which rates the services almost any sort of professional or professional service. Psychotherapy is a consumer service that I think should continue to be subject to public review.
    Or, you can tell your whole story any way you choose by starting a blog (“wordpress”, for example, is a very simple site to use). I have found blogging to be extremely beneficial to my healing process and have received much support from a kind,compassionate, knowledgeable therapist(esp. regarding the retraumatizing of a client by a therapist)

  • Stef

    April 30th, 2012 at 7:52 PM

    Tracy,

    The problem is the therapist got rid of most of the evidence. I know the situation very well as I was a witness to it and a victim as well. It also plays into the main dx she treats. Most victims are far to vulnerable to feel safe enough to file a complaint. And she has a more than usual control of them. I quit the site on my own accord, yet she told everyone she kicked me out. The site is filled with half truths, edited posts, deceit and etc. I saw a post that the site was down for 8 months due to technical issues. I’m not sure if that is true or not.
    Thank God I was not solely dependent on that T. I was only using them as adjunct. My true therapist helped me get through the experience. Honestly, it’s like she acts a cult leader. That’s her power.
    Stef
    P.s. I didn’t mention the name because it’s probably not allowed here. I can only warn people that online T’s can cause just as much harm as one that you physically see.

  • Sue

    May 2nd, 2011 at 8:19 PM

    I found it difficult to get help from professionals, many of whom seem so steeped in a patriarchal, authoritarian tradition that they were unaware that their so-called treatment actually was the problem.

    To regain my balance I had to see my abuser as a brittle, fragile guy who couldn’t acknowledge criticism and would gladly damage me to protect his own interests.

    I’ve visited what seemed that hopeless bottom of the world, yet I also know survivors who’ve gone through this, turned the experience on its head and emerged with great insight despite what the professionals told them.

    A few of us mention blogs that discuss our experiences and link to more. I also found wonderful peer support through TELL, the Therapy Exploitation Link Line. Advocate Web offers resources as well.

    I’m pessimistic many in the profession are equipped to understand this–they’re too blinded by their own magical thinking–but people who have been through this definitely helped me.

  • margarets

    May 3rd, 2011 at 12:46 PM

    I’ve posted reviews about my ex-t on a few websites in a way that, so far, works (i.e. no legal issues). I use the same paragraph every time, and I speak in generalities about researching any therapist very thoroughly before working with them, being wary of what a therapist says and *doesn’t* say, and remembering that you can quit therapy at any time without your therapist’s permission or input. Then I drop the i-bomb: “iatrogenesis”. I tell people to look up what that means in the psychotherapy context.

    I post just enough to prompt the reader to do their own research and thinking about therapy. And it must have the potential to be effective, because my ex-t actually took down her whole profile on one website within hours of my review being posted. It was probably the only way to get rid of the review because it didn’t violate any of the terms of the site, so the admins wouldn’t be inclined to take it down. (After all, if you’re going to post a profile on a review site, you have to expect to get reviewed.)

    Consider doing a blog if you want to speak out. There is A LOT you can say without getting yourself into legal trouble. heh

  • GivingUp

    May 3rd, 2011 at 12:50 PM

    I did file a complaint, explaining the hypnotic technique used on me and dissociating me for over an hour to the OLR. They did not investigate and the therapist lied and changed her notes. She was allowed. She was the professional. They did discipline a therapist for watching the cat of a client who was hospitalized. Somethings wrong there! But they had so many witnesses who could have verified what happened, plus I had other verification. The therapist now has a protection order against me for emails seeking the truth and had threatened to sue me, tho being on ssdi she ain’t gonna get much. I have done everything in my power and have followed the rules and tried to be polite, but at times you do get angry when no one listens. There is no regul;ation and if you have the power and the getting away with it of changing notes and seesions, you as a client are screwed. So be it. I am just flabbergasted the professionals involved cared not and did nothing. I am just one person in severe pain and no one cares. The therapist even had here daughter who WAS a lawyer, but no longer, send me threatening emails. The state of Indiana said there was nothing wrong with that. So, yes, I give up. Death is closer everyday.

  • GivingUp

    May 3rd, 2011 at 1:11 PM

    oh, and when it was time to appear in court, when I could have defended my self and prove that I was not being threatening, I could not do to my severe ptsd. So I wrote a letter explainging all, but the Judge (a female no less), would not read the letter – she said I had to be there or have a lawyer, who I could not afford. There wasn’t much else I could do. The therapist knoew I would not show up because of the pain I am in. My letter shoudl have been enough for further investigation. All of these rpfessionals and the courts and the police side with the therapist. She has back up. She can change her notes. I cannot change what happened to me, and even with the witnesses and proof, no one is interested in listening. No one cares how ptsd is affecting me.

  • GivingUp

    May 3rd, 2011 at 1:16 PM

    the technique used by this therapist was verified to me by Dr Bill O’Hanlon (website & has been on Oprah). The following explains the putcome of what thei therappist do to me by dissociating me to her delight – it must have been a thrilling moment for her at my expense.:

    Especially for Therapists

    Dissociation is a major stumbling block to progress in therapy because it severely diminishes the client’s ability to be present. It’s a significant barrier for working on trauma and developmental issues in particular because it can mask the client’s true psychophysiological state. Without a clear picture of what’s happening, the therapist can’t monitor, let alone regulate, the client’s level of activation.

    Diane Poole Heller1 likens dissociation to a circuit breaker shutting off when house wiring gets overloaded. She warns that care must be taken in working with dissociation:

    “If this is not done slowly, as we are proposing, often what happens is similar to switching the electrical breakers back on without doing something about the over load that caused the breaker to go off in the first place. If therapists have the client connect too quickly, they can often RE-TRAUMATIZE them.” pg. 32.

  • Sue

    May 3rd, 2011 at 2:46 PM

    I finally understood my therapist lives in a fantasy world, fully supported by his colleagues, and there’s nothing I could do or say to get through to him or them. Psychotherapy is an entrenched culture, constructed on many theories and traditions I consider fallacious.

    I had to unravel MY contradiction, that I still saw my therapist as an authority figure, though I knew he was an impostor. It paralleled other dead-ends in my life.

    Once I could see my therapist for the self-deceiving phony for what he was, I could start to distance from the reality he constructed and find my own truths.

    Pain and the contradictory emotions have been shared by many who’ve gone through this. It’s crazy-making. However there are lifelines and paths into a more peaceful reality, and we can achieve these without “therapy” if it doesn’t work for us.

    We still can go forward and have our own lives, despite failing to “get through” to an entrenched and self-protective profession.

  • Deena

    May 4th, 2011 at 6:36 AM

    I went to a counselor who advertises that he does hypnotherapy. In my first session he told me he was “one of God’s teachers.” In my second session he told me he had a program that worked faster than hypnotherapy and was intended for my spiritual awakening. During an on-again-off-again year of “therapy” he told me my will was too strong to break and asked that “we part ways now” and that he didn’t think we would see each other in this “form” again. During one of the sessions he told me I needed to be prepared for the Holy Spirit to guide me to “grab Ms Minnie [one of my clients] by the throat, slam her up against the wall and say, ‘Did you hear what I said, bitch” because “you’d be surprised what the Holy Spirit will have you do.” I feel I’ve been brainwashed by this man, have obsessive thoughts about our sessions, and a fear of God like never before. He told me “it’s when we don’t listen to God that we get in trouble” and that the reason I showed up in his office to begin with is that I WAS listening to God. I wonder if I should report him to our State licensing office but I am afraid of him.

  • Deena

    May 4th, 2011 at 6:46 AM

    I went to a therapist who advertises himself as a hypnotherapist. My first session with him he told me he was “one of God’s teachers.” My second visit he said he had a program he was going to use that works faster than hypnotherapy and was intended to offer spiritual awakening. During our third session he said I needed to be prepared to listen to what the Holy Spirit wanted me to say and do to people. One example: when I expressed concerns about a foster parent’s behavior toward a child I worked with, he told me “Are you prepared to grab Ms. Minnie by the throat, slam her up against the wall, and say, ‘Did you hear what I said, bitch.” After a year of on-again-off-again sessions where he would verbally abuse me for asking questions or expressing disbelief in his many stories intended to “awaken” me, i sent him a scathing email. He wrote back that he couldn’t help someone who doesn’t want to change and that we would most likely not see each other again in “this form” and that it was time to “part ways, now.” I am left with obsessive thoughts about his “teachings of love” and a fear of God that’s greater than when I started working with him. Should I report this to my State licensing board? He claims he has “helped hundreds of people” and that it’s my own fault that I haven’t been helped.

  • Sue

    May 4th, 2011 at 7:58 AM

    You can always report a therapist. There are quite low odds of getting any judgment against him, because these boards are run by their brethren, and their sympathies seem to lie with protecting careers rather than the public.

    It also takes great strength, because many of us clients have been lied about or depicted as psychotic or hysterical. As has been stated above, when it’s he said/she said, the boards will believe the doctor.

    Mine even admitted to what I claimed, but said essentially that his abusiveness was for my own good. I did find some satisfaction in speaking out even though I lost my case.

    Your guy seems to have a classic god-complex, if I may play amateur diagnostician. Three out of four of my therapists displayed some version of that.

  • Tracy

    May 5th, 2011 at 11:31 AM

    Hi Deena

    Quack, wacko ,psycho, mind-screw all describe to me the therapist wrote about! .
    You mentioned he’s a hypnotherapist….is a hypnotherapist required to be licensed in your location? Does he in fact even have a hold a State License, and if so , as what…LCSW, LMFT, LPC,Ph.D? If he has a State License, I’d report him just to put the Board on notice, in case he does to something other than spew gibberish and psychobabble in his therapy room. While he’s surely lacking evidence based therapeutic skills from what you’ve written, it doesn’t sound like he’s done anything downright unethical. ( or provable)
    Consider yourself fortunate and stay the heck away from him! It may be easier to stop obsessing over this therapist and what he said if you consider the thought that you have no desire to change into whatever form of being that would be required to meet up with him again!
    Anyone who actually would say to you that “your will is too strong to break” most likely has some serious mind manipulation in mind and I would consider him to be extremely dangerous.
    Be Safe! My take is that the “spirit” spoke loudly and got you the heck away from a very hazardous, and potentially harmful situation.

  • Carol Weber

    May 5th, 2011 at 12:03 PM

    Counselor reveals that she has treated a family member or friend or your’s in the past and tells you that she “doesn’t care for [that person]. Wow!!!!!

  • Sue

    May 6th, 2011 at 10:13 AM

    Any interaction that leaves us feeling overpowered and invalidated is NOT healing, NOT “for our own good,” in my opinion. That’s why I question a fundamental model found in therapy, the patient-as-subordinate to the powerful-knowing-savior.

    In my experience, the therapists were unconscious to their acting out in this movie.

  • Tracy

    May 7th, 2011 at 6:07 PM

    @Carol YIKES! Hope you got out of there and never went back!

    @Sue “Quality”, meaning professional,self aware, helpful,and ethical, therapists in the mental health field also question that outdated model, and rather consider themselves to be facilitators to their clients healing process…not their masters

  • Mary S

    May 7th, 2011 at 10:02 PM

    Somewhere (I forget where) I read recently a proposal (I think by a therapist) that therapists should have recording equipment and encourage clients to bring a tape to each session for recording the session — the client gets to keep the tape. Sounds like a great idea to me.

    But in the meanwhile, I recommend that clients bring their own recorder and tape to sessions and record them. If the therapist doesn’t agree, then that’s a good reason not to go back to them.

    Recording the sessions can serve several purposes:

    First, the therapist may be on better behavior if they are being taped.

    Second, it can be useful for the client to go over the tape, to check their memory of what each person said if there is some concern they wish to discuss or work through later. (I have done this with a couple of therapists — and also tried using the tapes as a kind of “exposure therapy,”since I tend to have upsetting flashbacks from sessions.)

    Third, if things go bad, then the client has evidence to present to back up their complaint.

    Deena: I never had a therapist say anything about breaking my will, but two of them sure seemed like they were trying to do so. Whether or not that’s what they were trying to do, it was pretty hellish. I don’t see how trying to break someone’s will could be considered ethical. I also don’t see how the lack of informed consent they practiced could be considered ethical. I did try to file a complaint about one of them, but didn’t get anywhere. She was a psychiatrist. (I tried her hoping she would be more scientific than the two psychologists I had tried, but she was mostly just as authoritarian and arbitrary). I tried filing the complaint with a state agency (I think the Board of Medical Examiners), but they said it needed to go to the county chapter of the American Medical Association. But when I checked, she was not a member. The letters from the state agency were at least polite.

  • ellie

    May 11th, 2011 at 2:07 PM

    I am so glad I found this list.
    I’ve recently began to seek therapy and have had two meetings with my therapist. The first meeting she was saying things like, “I love you!” and, “This is going to be so fun!” and, “I won’t stalk, I just gawk.” This make me uncomfortable, but I’ve struggled with panic attacks for my entire life and I was feeling so much hope that she could help and I didn’t want to make waves.
    Last night, my second session, I went in saying that I’d had a hard week- I had found out I was pregnant from a previous relationship that had ended a month ago. She said, “well let’s skip the survey and work on talk therapy.” When I told her what was going on, she blew up at me, accused me of lying about my panic attacks (the reason I’d been to her in the first place,) and told me I had a personality disorder all in one go. I didn’t feel that I could get a word in edgewise, and I left feeling like a piece of trash. She also talked to my mother and discussed that she feels I have a personality disorder without my consent. My parents are insisting that I continue to see her and will not discuss the possibility of finding a different therapist. I don’t know what to do.

  • RL

    May 11th, 2011 at 2:39 PM

    Hi I need some advice, Im 2 minutes away of filing a complaint with the psychological board in the state of California. Do I call or do I fill out complaint on line, and how long does it take until she receives the notice…Im done with all these professionals who raise there hand and promise no harm…really?

  • Tracy

    May 11th, 2011 at 4:49 PM

    RL:
    I’d file it!
    Go to the Caliiforina Board of Psychology Webpage for info. It appears you can file online or in writing. Make sure you include details, documents and PROOF of “wrong-doing”!You will get nowhere without hard evidence and your case will be client said/therapist said. Boards tend to take the therapist’s and his/her attorney’s word, far more seriously than that of the “mental health” client. Many mental health providers will also lie liberally and change client’s psych notes to back themselves when they are notified of the complaint! Before filing your complaint you might want to try and get a copy of your psych notes from the therapist, that way you will have proof of anything that has been changed. You are allowed copies of these through HIPAA Law, at miminmum they must be released to a third party, if not directly to you. (They can charge you for the copies)
    Also be prepared for the complaint process to take much longer than you would think it should take. If your thinking 90 days….think 9 months to a year. It will all depend on the severity of your case, and the level of evidence you can provide.
    Do not be suprised if your case is purely dismissed! 80% of cases against mental health providers are,and of the 20% left…..only 2% end up in a hearing.
    A therapist will RARELY lose their license. One therapist in CT. committed 2 MILLION worth of insurance fraud, and while the feds did prosecute him, the CT. Licensing folks only gave him a reprimand!
    However, just having a case filed against them, will leave a mental health provider feeling quite uncomfortable for while.

  • Steven

    May 12th, 2011 at 2:32 AM

    Hello,
    My therapist at times tells his other patients about me but never tells my name and tells me when he does this. He also has a habit that particularly bothers me, he plays with his iphone or looks at it when there is a text message or a phone call. He also changes his definition, he is a MHP or a NCC at one moment but now and without going to school, he calls himself a psychologist, is that possible? He is also raising his rates but to be honest, I don’t know if it is because of this. I would appreciate any help with this one.
    Thanks,
    Steve

  • Sue

    May 12th, 2011 at 9:45 AM

    I have no “qualifications” other than having suffered bad therapy, but these are my reactions:

    @Ellie-you sound like you’re an astute observer with smart perspective. You’re describing a complete therapist-nutcase in my opinion, and I’d run for my life.

    If you’re still under your parents’ roof, might you show them this list, or recruit a third party to help reinforce your assertion. If you or your insurance is paying the bills, and your parents only are hovering nearby (I remember that life stage) you’re at will to ignore their well-meaning advice despite the expected fallout.

    Once you find someone saner, however, the most any therapist can do is perhaps to find some resources for your and give you guidance and support as you work your way through your life’s challenges. All the best.

    @Steve. I understand anyone with a lemonade pitcher can call himself a therapist (though a few states regulate them) but psychologists, social workers etc. have specific educational and licensing requirements. Anyone claiming these titles without the educational and licensing is committing fraud.

  • Tracy

    May 12th, 2011 at 4:35 PM

    STeve

    Ask him for his State License number!
    If he doesn’t have one….make it your last session with him and find another therapist!
    You can also check to see if he has any sort of record on file with your State Licensing Agency. Most states have some sort of listing on line to check to see if a Medical/Mental Health Professional is Licensed….just with their name, you should be able to look him up.
    Sue is correct, ANYONE can “hang a shingle” and call themself a counselor, mental health professional, therapist, psychotherapist, coach, facilitator,or analyst…there are more, but those are a few titles which require no license, or even a high school diploma!
    BTW….he should not be talking about you at all with other clients, name or no name! Please do tell him to put his iphone away ….it’s rude, distracting and it means he’s not giving you his undivided attention.
    Personally… I’d text him during your session and ask if he’s listening to me!

  • Mary S

    May 14th, 2011 at 9:39 PM

    Ellie,
    I agree that the therapist you have seen sounds like one you should not continue with. Blowing up at a client and accusing her of lying about her purposes in the second session are totally inappropriate. She is likely to do more harm than good.
    If you need more to convince your parents, try this: Diagnosis of personality disorders is even more uncertain than diagnosis of medical disorders. If you have a serious, non-obvious medical disorder, it is wise to get a second opinion before consenting to treatment. The same goes for a serious psychological diagnosis such as a personality disorder. Structured interviews are considered the best diagnostic procedures, not just jumping to conclusions based on initial impressions, as your therapist has done. Also, do not consent to what are called “projective methods” (for example, the ink-blot test, or looking at pictures and making up a story about them); they have been discredited as valid means of diagnosis — they depend too strongly on the therapist’s subjective impression, and tend to produce many “false positives” (that is, they lead to diagnoses that are not confirmed by better techniques such as a structured interview.)
    Good luck!

  • Sue

    May 15th, 2011 at 11:13 AM

    One of my many regrets about my so-called treatment is that it magnified my ordinary human failings rather than giving me some support and guidance on simply living life.

    I’ve yet to meet a soul without some pockets of fear and yes, self-delusion. And when a therapist encourages us to ramble on about our fears and failures, naturally we’re going to sound a little nuts.

    See no benefit to sitting around a room categorizing our human weakness unless we are law-breaking, or unable to leave bed or something.

    I see forums on the net in which apparent young people angst about their diagnosis. I’m saddened, wondering if yet another well-meaning therapist has pathologized them.

    I think we have to keep asking, what’s the bottom line in all this. I want to live the best life I can, as a good friend, a respected and effective colleague, a good family member. Then we have to ask if anything happens in therapy to get us there.

  • margarets

    May 15th, 2011 at 11:54 AM

    Well said Sue. You reminded me a of a film I found (but did not rent) at my local video store, called “Angst”. It’s a Dutch film about people struggling with various mental illnesses that was sold out for weeks and evidently led to more people “coming out” with their mental health issues. But how can so many people – particularly in a wealthy high-functioning society like The Netherlands (one really can’t do much better for a decent place to live) – truly have mental illness? Maybe they are just experiencing the normal ups and downs of human existence? Maybe the film triggered a lot of medical student’s disease, the one where you freak out that you have every disease that you happen to be studying that week.

  • Sue

    May 15th, 2011 at 1:30 PM

    My largest dysfunction was in the therapist office, where I rehashed my short-comings, sorrows and persecutors. Worse yet they collaborated play-acting of the therapist-as-shaman, who had wisdom to dispense how to fix myself.

    Reinforced powerlessness+focus on defects=recipe for depression. The mere dynamic of me as the inferior was destructive.

    In truth I was functioning imperfectly, but fine, and the therapist never even approached with what I understood later to be real improvements I could make.

  • Mary S

    May 16th, 2011 at 7:50 PM

    Sue,

    So much in your last two posts rings true.

    Re the self-delusion: Have you read Delusions of Gender, by Cordelia Fine? I haven’t yet, but a review gave a quote to the the effect that “there is one group of people who don’t have the delusions most people have: The clinically depressed.”

    A couple of additions to your comments:
    1. Therapists, in my experience, seemed to give the message, “leave your strengths outside my office door.”
    2. I don’t think I’ve ever felt so helpless as in therapy.

  • Sue

    May 16th, 2011 at 9:32 PM

    Mary, haven’t read that book. Though I’m not sure I agree with the quote. Therapy really started a downhill slide in my mood which I now see as delusional as anything else. Like you, therapy left me feeling weaker and more helpless than when I entered.

    I particularly disagree with tool of recreating a parent-child relationship. After one reaches adulthood this completely is play acting. And leading clients into such a state they suspend judgment and put themselves in the therapists’ hands–that’s just wrong.

  • Michael

    May 20th, 2011 at 7:46 AM

    9.Counselor is judgmental or critical of your behavior, lifestyle, or problems.
    10.Therapist “looks down” at you or treats you as inferior in subtle, or not so subtle, ways
    30.Counselor tells you what to do, makes decisions for you, or gives frequent unsolicited advice.
    40.Therapist tries to push spirituality or religion on to you.

    I’ve had one of these problems with every psychologist I’ve ever worked with. I’ve given up on psychologist’s. If they are good at anything, its screwing with your mind.

  • margarets

    May 24th, 2011 at 12:31 PM

    In my experience, and from my reading, I’ve found that a common notion among therapists is that whatever problem the client initially presents (divorce, say, or bereavement) is assumed by the therapist not to be the “real” problem. Not that the therapist tells the client this upfront. It’s up to the client to figure this out – if they ever do. In the meantime, therapist and client are working on separate and possibly contradictory issues, and very likely achieving nothing but a transfer of wealth from client to therapist.

  • Lee

    May 25th, 2011 at 10:01 AM

    I wanted to respond to the person that said therapists have only a few years of education. I have been training to be a psycho-therapist. I have a 4 year undergrad degree, 4 year graduate, 1 year practicum and 3 years of internship to just be able to walk in the door and say Hi. SO, I do not believe the person stating we do a few years schooling to attain our credentials has their information correct. Clarification is always helpful.

  • margarets

    May 25th, 2011 at 5:17 PM

    Lee, it depends on the requirements of the jurisdiction. In some places literally anyone, with literally any training or no training whatsoever, can call themselves a therapist, see clients and charge fees. Then there is the whole question of whether training makes any difference to a therapist’s skill anyway.

  • AB

    May 27th, 2011 at 1:08 PM

    “In my experience, and from my reading, I’ve found that a common notion among therapists is that whatever problem the client initially presents (divorce, say, or bereavement) is assumed by the therapist not to be the “real” problem.”

    This is an interpretation that is not uncommon in psychodynamic/psychoanalytic practice. I think a more commonsense interpretation is that it’s hard to describe one’s problems in a neat and tidy sentence (especially when talking about them to a total stranger, sometimes for the first time). Language is an amazing tool we use to connect our ideas and memories in a conscious way. Words both reflect and shape our inner world. Talking about one issue naturally leads to talking about others, whether this is intended or not. The fact that some issues arise early in therapy and some later speaks more to how language works than to any motives on the part of the client.

    Just my two cents.

    (Disclosures: I’m a licensed psychologist. I only do short-term work because of the nature of my practice. I do think there are some therapist qualities that can’t be “trained up” and others that are very difficult if not impossible to “train out.” At best, mental health professionals can humble themselves to their limitations, make meaningful efforts to become better, and meanwhile make the best of what they have – much as they would expect of their clients. This is a fascinating, sobering discussion thread.)

  • Sue

    May 27th, 2011 at 10:09 PM

    AB, I appreciate you reading this thread and particularly thank you for your last sentence.

    I understand what you said regarding Margaret’s post, though (as someone bashed in therapy) I received it quite differently:

    True story except the name change. A friend, let’s call her Tillie, was mugged. She shows up at a clinic which claims to specialize in trauma therapy. The therapist pushes the mugging topic aside and insists Tillie excavate her childhood because that would explain her trauma reaction to the mugging. No, Tillie says, dealing with the simple reality of the mugging is enough, thank you. She leaves therapy.

    Forcing everything through an interpretative mold carries a real danger. One can abstract something to such a degree the actual event is pre-empted by the theory and metaphor of it.

  • margarets

    May 30th, 2011 at 2:44 PM

    AB, what if the client *can* describe their problems to a stranger in neat and tidy sentences? Some people already have a very good handle on the source of their difficulties and express themselves very well. The therapist’s choice to either recognize or ignore this can have a profound impact on the value of therapy. What good is it to talk to someone about your problems if they don’t believe a word you say, and are always looking for some other meaning in it?

  • Sue

    May 31st, 2011 at 3:16 PM

    Margaret, I had a similar experience; The therapist reinterpreted my reporting in such an insistently mangled fashion that the relationship devolved into a power struggle. I’d had over a 10-year career writing non-fiction by that time.

    My interpretation: the therapist had no insights, so the best smokescreen was to divert the discussion. In therapy as in life, bluster usually camouflages a lack of real substance.

  • DM

    June 2nd, 2011 at 5:33 PM

    Was good to confirm the Licensed Quack I saw tonight was not representative of this community. I am having a terrible time with stress at work and made an appt with a psychologist who took a call on his cell phone while asking me personal questions and then made a phone call to confirm another appointment He then tried to tell me how I must get a lawyer to sue my employer and would call me soon with a lawyer to contact. He later said “I forgot, what is your first name?” Then, wants me back weekly. I said I could not come next week and he made the appointment anyway, then he charged me $225. I am very tempted to file a complaint to get my money back but will chalk it up to a bad experience. As for the stress, I’ll just go back to my family doctor and get more xanax. Thanks for letting me vent. You just can’t make this stuff up! And, he is licensed in the state of NJ.

  • nolongeraslave

    June 9th, 2011 at 8:30 AM

    Is there something wrong with me if I had bad experience with 4 different therapists as a teenager? I finally found good ones in my adulthood, but is it possible that I just ended up with some bad therapists? I didn’t choose to be with these therapists, but my mom had picked them out.

    I was showing red flags of sexual abuse as a child and had a narcissistic mom, yet none of that was detected by these therapists. I had a male therapist ask me how my sexual appetite was at age 13. I had a therapist at 17 try to change me into someone I wasn’t, and impose her conservative values on me. I also had a female therapist tell me that I was asking for trouble by dressing how I did (my seductive clothing was a symptom of sexual abuse). Another therapist accused me of doing drugs when I wasn’t.

    Anyone else with similar experiences. I’m so thankful that I found a good psychologist at age 24 that specialized in trauma, but I wish I met her as a teenager.

  • Sue

    June 9th, 2011 at 3:49 PM

    From our reports on this thread, it’s completely possible. Many of us had poor experiences, and in fact, many of us never found substantial help in therapy. I assume it’s even more difficult as a teen because someone else gave the narrative, made the arrangements and paid the bills.

    I think you’re smart removing yourself from bad situations until you finally find an successful alliance.

  • Sue

    June 10th, 2011 at 5:55 PM

    Nolongerslave, I missed the first part of your question. Speaking as a former client, I don’t think it’s “us” at all when we have difficulty finding good therapy. Unfortunately, it’s easy to find therapists with their own agendas or who don’t understand us.

    I have a larger problem with the therapy culture planting this notion “there’s something wrong with me,” when shortcomings–that we all possess– are simply part of being human. As you saw, your therapists themselves certainly had their own shortcomings. Among the scarce literature on this subject is Tana Dineen’s “Manufacturing Victims” or books by David Smail.

  • Mary S

    June 12th, 2011 at 10:29 PM

    Nolongeraslave,
    No, I don’t think there is anything wrong with you just because you had 4 bad therapy experiences when you were in your teens. I agree with Sue’s comments. I’ve encountered quite a few therapists who did things that just didn’t make sense, or were otherwise unprofessional. Some therapists mean well but are just not very well in touch with the real world in all its variety and complexity; some therapists have agendas of their own. Many therapists can be helpful for some people but not for others who aren’t within the therapist’s range of competence. The system really needs improvement to weed out the poor therapists, help clients find therapists who have the ability to help them, and improve general training in helping a wide variety of clients. There seem to be some efforts in this direction in the past few years — for example, using questionnaires to get feedback from clients, and studying clients who have not been helped in clinical trials to see how their treatment might have been improved. Some of the therapists and researchers involved in such efforts take the attitude that the treatment failed the client, not that the client failed the treatment. This makes sense to me.

  • margarets

    July 3rd, 2011 at 5:02 PM

    nolongeraslave – No, there is nothing wrong with you. If these therapists couldn’t spot the signs of sexual abuse then they were very poor therapists. That’s exactly the sort of thing a therapist should recognize, as well as the narcissistic mother.

    But that’s the tricky bit – these therapists knew who their client *really* was: your mother. No way would they come up with an assessment that would alienate her and stop the payments. My guess is your mother wanted a therapist who would promise to “fix” you (i.e. make you fit more neatly into her preferences and suppress your actual problems). Each therapist promised that but didn’t deliver, so it was on to the next one.

    So be gentle with yourself. The trauma of sexual abuse may have been compounded by incompetent therapists, but in all likelihood you are basically a psychologically healthy person.

  • Jason Berman, PhD

    July 16th, 2011 at 2:06 PM

    Hello All,

    I am a clinical psychologist in Metro Kansas City (and used to work in California and Texas) and I so appreciate the clients on this blog who speak openly about abusive practices with therapists. There are certainly corrupt therapists out there (because there are corrupt HUMANS out there) but many, many, many therapists strive to be the best professionals they can be. I think the spirit of the 50 red flags list is that a therapist who does X red flag “regularly” or often is a huge problem. No one is perfect but the good therapist will seek to repair with the client any mistakes made in the treatment.

    I work regularly with victims of sexual abuse and I hated reading about reported abuses by therapists of those clients.

    Be well,

    JB

  • Sue

    July 22nd, 2011 at 11:08 AM

    Abuse in therapy can be blatant, or it can be well-intentioned and subtle, such an authoritarian tone, encouraging dependency or magical thinking. What many posters have in common is their therapists’ disrespect and rigidity defending a viewpoint.

    (Paradoxically, I cheered the writer’s fury in post #187 because it so deliciously revealed an attitude rampant throughout the profession.)

    I wish that therapists would open those licensing board complaint files, study and learn from client grievances, as opposed to dismissing us as unreliable and unstable.

  • Chevy

    August 3rd, 2011 at 9:00 PM

    How about a therapist that NSISTS on bringing into your therapy, a person that is the ROOT CAUSE of it. A person that they legally spoke out AGAINSED in court, for your behalf. But NOW for THEIR own reasons, are making you a subject of a test case or thesis paper subject for them. I am VERY upset, that people that I took into confidence, are NOW, demanding that I be forced to attend sessions with an individual that tried to kill me three times, and whom I am no longer married to.

  • margarets

    August 8th, 2011 at 8:32 AM

    Chevy, that is a bizarre case. How are you being forced to attend therapy? What would happen if you just didn’t show up? And stopped answering the calls/emails of the therapist and/or your ex? Because you do have that option.

  • kathy

    August 9th, 2011 at 5:17 PM

    Hi All…Just got a message (e-mail) from the board of psychology. My complaint was dismissed due to lack of evidence. I just e-mail back saying how is this right? how come I was not asked to come in and explain what happened to me with this woman..she said if I bring her more evidence she will look at it…it’s on!!

  • Sue

    August 10th, 2011 at 8:26 AM

    Chevy, I agree with Margaret. Unless there is some legal mandate, it sounds to me like a therapist collaborating in your ex’s harassment. If you don’t want to be there–it’s not going to be the least bit therapeutic for you.

    Kathy, good luck. Producing “evidence” can difficult because it often becomes a she said/she said dilemma. Though I lost my grievance, I’m still glad I underscored my dim view of the therapist’s conduct, and this step was an important part of separating from the therapist’s head games.

  • Sally

    August 31st, 2011 at 6:40 AM

    After reading this article and several of the following comments, I’m suddenly not feeling so alone anymore.

    I had a pretty terrible experience with a counselor when I was young, and it made me scared to ever look for help from one again.

    I’d had some traumatic and abusive experiences at home and got taken out of my mom’s custody into my grandparent’s at age 10, just before starting middle school. My grades started slipping and the home life was still problematic, adult uncles with drug addictions living in the house and fighting with my grandparents for money.

    So by age 13-14, I was not only acting out, I was going through the normal stages of puberty. My grandmother chose the counselor i was to see and made sure to tell her what a ‘problem child’ I was. Such horrible things as me going up to my room by myself after school rather than be in the kitchen socializing with family who were at each others throats most of the time. A lot of times it felt like my actions became the target for my grandma, while she pretended all the fighting, verbal abuse, and drug abuse of my uncles was not happening.

    This counselor made my life even more of a hell for me than having a dysfunctional family and being a (mildly) rebellious teenager already did. She forgot my name at most sessions and a few times called me by the wrong name. She was Catholic and constantly talked to me about her religion in a period when I didn’t want anything to do with religion, told me how everyone needs religion. (again, grandmother was probably pushing this as she was upset that I wouldn’t conform and be Catholic like the rest of the family.)
    She would constantly talk down to me over everything I did. I understand that I was not a legal adult, but treating a teen who’s trying to find their way in life like nothing they say is right just because one can get away with it is pretty sick too.

    When I started the sessions, I didn’t wear any makeup or jewelery, partly because I was never taught how to properly apply it. But I was by no means dirty or crummy. This counselor asked me why I let myself be so “shabby”, asked me if I cared about my appearance at all, told me “I should shower” and “work on my appearance, and to try makeup!”

    I was always very interested in art, a creative personality. So then I decided to take her advice. I began trying different looks with makeup and tried getting a nicer wardrobe (kinda hard when you’re 14 with no money and again, relying on grandparents).
    So when I went to a session with makeup on, she said she felt I “Was trying to hide the real me in a mask of makeup”, made me feel like crap for TAKING HER ADVICE!

    Anything I did, I felt like she’d just make me feel like crap about it. She was extremely confrontational, and there were things that had happened at home that I told her under the assumption that she would keep the confidentiality agreement, which she then told to my grandmother right while I was in the room. It was crushing.

    I once made the mistake of challenging her talks on Catholicism by pointing out that there are thousands of different religions worldwide, and much of it seemed to be a community of people trying to explain the world around them before actual science or technology was available to prove otherwise.

    Big mistake. She claimed I was argumentative and needed medication to “calm me down.” Mind you, I never once raised my voice or got emotional during my thoughts on the matter. Guess it had to do with having an opinion of my own. My grandma agreed and I was then instead put on lexipro, which made me feel numb and zombie like. My grandma was then furious when I “wouldn’t go to bed at the same time as everyone else, must be doing it on purpose to annoy people” when really it was a side effect of a medication I didn’t need, was not comfortable taking, feeling totally helpless like I had no choice in anything, and everything I did was wrong.

    Every week I began to dread the day I had to go see her. I’d always wonder what she was going to criticize me about this time. What’s funny (well, maybe not so much) is that I really began to believe that everything going on at home was my fault because of my “rebellious” behavior, and that the reason the counseling wasn’t working at all for me was just because I was a horrible person.

    Fast forward 10 years, I’ve made lots of good friends, have great partner and loft, am happy, and have a graphic design degree nearly complete. After being able to step away from that situation, I’m blown away by that fact that it WASN’T just me, that the things that were upsetting me about both the counselor and home life were legitimate. It took years to really sort out my life and heal from the damage that I thought for so long was my fault, with no thanks from a counselor that I’m really beginning to realize abused their position of authority.

    I’m posting this in the hopes that it will help someone else know that they’re not alone, there’s always hope for improvement, and counselors are not gods! There are personality conflicts just as there is in the general public, so don’t have fear about needing to switch if one doesn’t feel right for you. There are good counselors (and people in general) out there, you just have to search for them.

    I’m also posting this because often times, the rights of youth are overlooked. A dysfunctional/ abusive situation can be occurring in a youth’s home life, and they could have a high IQ/ be highly talented, but if they are not given the resources or proper guidance toward utilizing that talent, it can be smothered, taking years for the youth or young adult to realize they’re not worthless.

    I also hope there are parents out there who might read this, and in case they are taking or considering taking their children to therapy, to take some of this into account, and to listen to what the child is saying about the sessions. Chances are if a child’s behavior is not improving, getting worse or they dread going to this appointed person, the form of therapy obviously isn’t working so well. I got a counselor I absolutely loved in High school and improved quite a bit after seeing her. If they mention any of the red flags above, their claims should be legitimately looked into as counselors are just people too, not gods.

    And in the saddest cases, they may never realize their worth. There are times where the contradictory criticism I received from family members and that counselor still haunt me. Luckily I have a good support group now.

  • margarets

    September 3rd, 2011 at 5:22 PM

    Sally, that is a brilliant post. I’m so glad you came out of that difficult period with your sanity and self-esteem still in good shape. Good on you for healing yourself and finding your right path. :)

  • Jamie

    September 4th, 2011 at 2:11 PM

    I’m glad to have read some of the comments on this blog, especially by Sue and Sylvia in particular. I had terrible therapy about 4 years ago and am very surprised and kind of ashamed by how long it is taking me to get over it. Like Sylvia mentioned in her above post I felt like I didn’t stick up for myself and I just let the therapist talk to me like she was above me and had no respect for me at all. Even after finding a new therapist that is really good I’m still having a hard time getting all the nasty comments my old therapist made to me out of my mind! After I finally stopped therapy after over a year, I emailed the therapist to tell her my complaints and was ignored, then I complained to the lic. board and was dismissed. In a nutshell the therapist judged,critized me, and focused the therapy on trying to get me to accept her cultural and political values as if just being different from her in any way was my problem. For example I thought my husband and my relationship should be equal and that we didn’t need to follow stereotypical roles, but I don’t force my life choices on others who don’t agree with me. She felt that my problem was that I didn’t follow stereotypical roles and told me I had to not ask my husband for help with the children because it was my responsibility and I have to hire help if I need it. I told her we couldn’t afford it so she said it was his “job” to worry about where the money comes from. The problem was that some of the things she said seemed to be so over the top (for instance, how could someone think that everyone can afford hired help if they just manage their money right) I thought I was just misunderstanding because she seemed so sure of herself and told me I would lose my husband if I didn’t watch out, so that really scared me.It was very disturbing because she talked in psychobable and I didn’t expect her to attack my opinions as a source of my troubles. The message was that there is only one “right” way to live and my focus should be on following her superior life style. I am ashamed that I talked to her as long as I did because I feel like a fool when I think about how she talked to me and I didn’t just stop going.

  • Diane Firestone

    September 4th, 2011 at 9:47 PM

    The therapist tells you to stay in a DV relationship or tells you that your child should tough it out when visiting the person that shows DV in the childs presence. The therapsist expects you to work with some one who has and incurable mental illness but does not give you ideas or directions how. The therapist can not work with the person with the mental illness themself but expects you too. The therapists is willing to let your child live somewhere to show the child he will fail.

  • Sue

    September 11th, 2011 at 10:37 AM

    Sally, I’m warmed by your insightful, articulate post. I also found my way to the arts, dressed my own way and wasn’t into makeup and criticized for my “nonconformity.”

    Jamie, my bad therapy was years ago, and has been a years-long, but worthwhile unraveling, like leaving a guru. It can leave clients between a rock and hard place–feeling either crazy buying the therapist’s reality or a fool for staying–two lousy alternatives.

    Diane–Don’t understand the term DV, but what you describe sounds like a therapist far out of bounds, siding against the client and trying to run someone else’s life.

    Several of us here have blogged. Mine, titled, Bad Therapy? A Disgruntled Ex-Psychotherapy Client Speaks Her Piece has links to several other blogs. Or you can read back to posts above. The Therapy Exploitation Link Line was quite helpful to me for peer support.

  • Pat

    September 15th, 2011 at 6:11 PM

    When you’ve been diagnosed with a problem by four different people (three therapists and a psychiatrist, one of whom is an expert on the illness) yet when you come in during crisis instead of being helped you are forced to prove you really have your illness instead of being believed (a huge thing for survivors of child abuse).

    When your therapist strings you along with chit-chat for two years then tells you that they don’t really have a therapeutic plan and want YOU to formulate one!

    I’ve had some therapists who literally saved my life. I’ve had others (especially that last one) that made me want to take theirs … I’ve gotten my best help from the Holosync solution — I’ll never darken another therapist doorstep again.

  • Mary S

    September 15th, 2011 at 7:42 PM

    Sally and Jamie,
    Thank you so much for your posts. Even though in many ways your therapy experiences were different from mine (e.g., age, reason for therapy), there are striking similarities with mine.

    Sally, a poor therapist can treat a client well beyond their teens “like nothing they say is right” – that was my experience as well, and I was in my forties, a few years older than one therapist, and with educational level equal to the therapist’s. From my reading about therapy I am getting the impression that more and more therapists believe that confrontation can be counterproductive. Unfortunately, the profession seems to attract people who like being confrontational. (I don’t mean to imply that all therapists are confrontational, but that the profession seems to have more than its fair share of people with confrontational personalities.) I’m glad to hear that life is going well for you now. Your four final paragraphs are very good reasons for posting.

    Jamie, I thought that I would get over my serial counterproductive therapy experiences in about six months – was I wrong! It has been over twenty-five years, and I still have very stressful “flashbacks,” although with decreasing frequency. I, too, have felt ashamed that I didn’t get over it so quickly, but I now realize that feeling ashamed is part of what has made it take so long. But learning not to feel ashamed has been very hard. Your comment that your therapist “seemed so sure of herself” also struck a chord with me. One of the things I hoped to get out of therapy was increased self-confidence. But one big lesson I learned in therapy is that over-confidence can be harmful to others – and I became afraid of being overconfident, like the therapists. Slowly, very slowly, I have been able to let myself feel a little more confident that I won’t harm people if I am moderately confident. Please try to learn to say “no” to those feelings of shame that you went back – it was not your fault. You went to therapy for help; instead the therapist found your weak spots and took advantage of them to skewer you. She was acting very unprofessionally.

  • Sharonelle

    September 16th, 2011 at 4:45 AM

    My complaint involves a thera0ist in private practice, married with young children, who regularly trolled adult sex sites online to meet men for sex — er quirk of choice being having sex with a stranger while other strangers watched. She met my husband on one of these sex sites (I knew nothing about this at th time) – they met for sex and began an affair. She broke up my marriage, had sex with my husband in her home when her young daughters were in the home, also had sex with my husbandin her office.At any time any of the “strangers” she met for anonymous sex could hve turned out to be a client/patient. When I forced her to meet with me in person, and asked why, if she was compelled to act out sexualy wth strangers and voyuers, whe would pick a man (my husband) whom she knew to be married and a fsther. She told me that my son and I were nothing more than “cut out characters to her, not real.” So while she was neither my therapist nor my husband’s therapist, feel like her moral behavior precludes her ability to be an effective and ethical therapist. And might I add, according to her wbsite, that she specialized in “sex therapy.” Can anyone give me any insight into the affet of m claim. I’ve sent in the paper work, Will she be slapped on the rist or lose her license?

  • Sue

    September 16th, 2011 at 12:04 PM

    Sharonelle, I don’t the standing of your complaint, since you weren’t her client. You might be shocked how difficult for clients to prevail for even the most blatant violations. I sympathize with your outrage.
    Jamie–my year’s ago experience also has triggers, and I’m still learning from it. On the good side, it’s fortified me against many would-be gurus, phonies, manipulations and rage, so paradoxically, it keeps on giving. I’ve become “activist” in my own way, because I think the mental health community has much homework to do around the issue of harmful therapy. I think after an injury, there can be a drive to help make the community safer.

  • margarets

    September 19th, 2011 at 12:21 PM

    Sharonelle, some therapist regulatory agencies have a provision for “unethical conduct that disgraces the profession” (the wording may differ), so that even if you were not actually a client of the therapist, you could still file a complaint that the agency would have to take seriously. It just depends, and of course you will need some evidence to back up your claims.

    However, the regulatory agency for my bad therapist is incredibly lenient. E.g. a therapist who did drugs, watched porn, and exchanged nude pics with an underage client was only disciplined, not kicked out of the profession. The discipline was only 2-year suspension from working with underage clients and a course of therapy to work on their issues. This info is posted on the agency’s website as an example of how they deal with complaints. (The therapist’s name is not listed, so future clients of this person have no way to find out this bit of history.)

    So, I recommend preparing yourself for a pretty weak response to your complaint. You could always yelp this person – just drop enough hints to scare prospective clients away.

  • Cara

    October 7th, 2011 at 7:52 AM

    My husband and I recently went to a marriage and family therapist therapist. There was an issue where he had some hobbies that were very expensive. I felt that a lot of money was going down a “black hole.” The therapist asked me if I worked and when I said I didn’t right now he immediately asked me “So, did you marry just to be financiallu dependent on someone?” Then he said I should not be in ANY WAY be upset about the expensive hobbies; said “What, do you think if he spends HIS money on hobbies it’s taking away from YOU?”, all in a very astounded and accusatory way. My husband said that he thought I meant also that the hobbies meant more to him than I did, and I nodded. The therapist looked astounded and yelled at me “GROW UP!.” Is this a controlling bad habit, or reportable abuse?

  • Sue

    October 8th, 2011 at 8:52 PM

    I’m just a client, no expert, but understand for a therapist to be censured, he has to be guilty of one of several specific, provable offenses.

    However, even minus official misconduct, what you describe sounds like a therapist “taking sides.” Assuming you don’t find this helpful, sounds like time bail if you haven’t already. (You can search Google for +therapy or +therapist +”taking sides” and find some professionals’ opinions.

    I understand this behavior–which I’d call clunky and boorish– isn’t uncommon in couples’ therapy. The therapist’s antagonistic demeanor often signals a cover-up for basic incompetence, and maybe misogyny to boot. A Masters or Ph.D., doesn’t confer emotional maturity or special wisdom about life.

  • Cara

    October 12th, 2011 at 8:43 AM

    Sue, thank you so much for your reply. We went to this therapist one time and have never gone back, as I also found her methods antogonistic. She states that she doesn’t deal with “feelings” and she just “tells it like it is.” But how it “is” is her opinion. I have been to therapy before and thought she was horrible, confirmed by friends in the field and by your blog. I am concerned that she is on our health plan and a lot of younger people (military) might go to her and think that this is what therapy is about. Again, thank you very much for your reply.
    Best to you, Cara

  • Sue

    October 12th, 2011 at 1:00 PM

    Cara, Glad you recognized the situation and fled. I wonder if some therapist are taking their training from reality TV personalities. It depresses me also to speculate the damage these people do. At best, I hope they’ll bond in dislike of their couple’s counselor.

  • Glenn Abelson

    October 29th, 2011 at 1:03 PM

    Add to your list of bad therapy:

    Any kind of guided therapy of recovered memories, even if the therapist believes they are not guiding the session. They are.

  • Ned

    November 3rd, 2011 at 11:22 AM

    My wife and I just separated a month ago. We had been together 27 years. She told me she has had multiple affairs over the last 4 years. Now it turns out my therapist has know my wife’s new lover for 30 years, but says he hasn’t spoken to him in 6 years. Is this a conflict of interest? Should I look for a new therapist?

  • Hendl

    November 3rd, 2011 at 10:46 PM

    Please add: Therapists that are racist, anti-Semitic or Sexist are bad signs. I am Jewish, and had a therapist who said anti-Semitic things because he was having problems with his wife, who was Jewish. Also, I once had a female therapist who hated men, because she hated her husband. Bad, bad sign. I confronted each of them, and in their own way, each told me that what they were saying was “the truth”.

  • margarets

    November 4th, 2011 at 1:02 PM

    Ned, it sounds like the therapist’s relationship to your wife’s new lover is too close for YOUR comfort. You can find a new therapist for ANY reason, so by all means look around. You are under no obligation to stick with this therapist.

  • Amy

    November 6th, 2011 at 2:04 PM

    I was in therapy for seven years and realized just last year that my therapist was using me. He infantilized me, used me for his own sexual gratification and made me feel worse than when I’d started therapy. The ONLY thing that has helped me to feel better is to talk to others who have gone through the same thing with their therapist. For this reason I have started an online group for survivors who were used, abused, or exploited by their therapists. It is a Yahoo Group and you can find it by searching through the groups for “professional exploitation” Thanks.

  • Cara

    November 8th, 2011 at 9:55 AM

    Sue, I recently filed a complaint to my insurance co. grievance dept. (not a licensing board)about a therapist whose methods were appalling to me. (See comment #387.) The insurance company replied that they had talked to the therapist and he stated that he warns patients “what they are in for” when they start. He said that he stated his opinion on the situation and I just didn’t agree with him. There were no other complaints filed with the insurance company so it makes it look like I was the only one who thought he was obnoxious and harmful because no one else filed with them. (Although on websites people are blasting him and warning people to stay away.) So this therapist gets away with being verbally abusive, taking sides, not listening to all of the facts, not addressing anger issues which should ALWAYS be addressed, and forcing his opinion on me. Thank you, Sue, for your words of support, because I feel like I’ve been betrayed and invalidated by this therapist.

  • Sue

    November 12th, 2011 at 4:31 PM

    Cara, in reading these posts, I gather most of us who had bad therapy feel overwhelming betrayal. I certainly felt that in my mix of aftermath emotions. I felt everything from guilt for my “disobedience,” to invalidation, and even doubting whether I perceived reality.

    Complaining to your insurance company seems like a good idea to me. Though from what you describe, it sounds like the guy rationalized the complaint away, at least he received some feedback, there was a witness, and combined with web reviews, that might drive a message.

    The can be so painful because we see someone who has promises relief from our distress, and then they add to it.

    On the good side you left, you were able to hold your own belief over his–you were quite strong. In my case I did much the same thing, though it took quite a while before I was able to give myself credit. As the bad stuff receded I felt better about my “escape.”

  • heather

    November 12th, 2011 at 7:18 PM

    I wanted to say that a person is usually alone, in a room when they are in therapy. There are little rights for a person when they feel they have been mistreated by a therapist. I feel like a need a years full of therapy to deal with the “therapy” i’ve received. On that list of fifty I found that I had been through atleast half of the things listed in counseling. It’s really sad. People talk like you can just go out and get help, but the help is so dysfunctional it’s-self. I am at a point where I have decided that therapy has caused me much more harm then it has helped me. Therapist or never wrong, they will never admit there own mistakes. I know there may be some good ones, but I think it’s like finding a needle in a hay stack.

  • margarets

    November 12th, 2011 at 7:33 PM

    Cara, could you also file a complaint against this therapist’s licensing agency, or whatever organization in your area that regulates therapy (if there is one)? I find it surprising that the insurance co was indifferent to your complaint (do they really want to pay bad service providers) but ultimately they most they could do is strike him off their list of approved providers.

    Having said that, most formal complaints about therapists are effectively dismissed. It’s all a racket and they are out to protect each other. But you are right – your ex-therapist’s behaviour was WAY out of bounds. And he sounds like a jerk.

  • Anonymous

    November 15th, 2011 at 12:20 PM

    My therapist of five years offered to see me for free during a time of financial difficulty. He said it wasn’t about the money for him and that in long-term therapy he understood that clients circumstances could change. At the end of that session he also said that I had to stop doing what I was doing (dissociating), that I was doing the same thing my parents had done and that if I wanted a therapist who would hold my hand we could find me one.

    I’m devastated. I haven’t been back to see him. Its been a month.

    In the couple of weeks before that session, he advised me to buy a duplex with my divorce settlement money (said he was only going to say it once). The next week he suggested a town where I should look for one. He owns rental property in that town. I didn’t feel like that suggestion had anything to do with me at all. Also, in a phone conversation, he said it was good that I had called but every time I started to cry during that call he said, “What are you doing?” Or, “You’re doing it again.” I told him I had considered doing an internship for my profession (Haven’t worked in 8 years) and he said, “No, you don’t need more education. You need to go to work.”

    A couple of months ago he said, “You love me and I love you and there isn’t a damn thing you can do about it.” He compared it to God’s grace. It wasn’t an invitation to an intimate or sexual relationship, but it still messes me up.

  • Anonymous

    November 15th, 2011 at 12:31 PM

    I think I have an unhealthy, dysfunctional attachment to this person. I emailed him and told him to leave me alone about what I should do (with my money, etc.) This relationship has been off for a long time. I’ve never been able to tell which part of it is me and which is him. I know that he’s not a person that I’ll ever be able to work this out with. I struggle every day not to contact him again.

  • Sue

    November 17th, 2011 at 12:53 PM

    Heather–you captured my feelings completely. I left therapy feeling one-down to whatever therapist rather than empowered. From distance and perspective therapy feels like nothing but salesmanship and brainwashing.

    Anonymous–I had completely different issue, but I understand what you describe commonly happens in therapy. I wonder if it’s like unrequited love or a boyfriend breakup multiplied times a hundred because the therapist sold that he’s this magical, loving figure who can rescue us from pain and ruts in life. Your writing sounds clear-eyed and clear-headed to me, though I imagine the situation hurts like hell.

    One of therapy’s disservices is to bludgeon us with all these “unhealthy” “dysfunctional” kinds of labels. I personally think pain and grieving are a natural response to feeling betrayed by someone we thought caring and helpful.

  • Warren Lind, MSW, LCSW, ASW-G

    November 26th, 2011 at 12:09 PM

    I would like to add two more items to the list of ‘Warning Signs’: Unless a therapist has an M.D. or R.N. after their name, they should NEVER be giving you medical advice. However, it is okay to refer you to a support group for the particular medical issue you have, or refer you to a national advocacy organization, like the American Diabetes Association, American Cancer Society, etc. Secondly, unless the therapist has a J.D. after their name, they should NEVER give you legal advice. Therapists need to respect professional boundaries, and acknowledge their limitations.

  • Chance

    November 28th, 2011 at 8:00 PM

    This is an excellent list of warning signs, and the comments add a great deal of value to the page. I have a lot of experience sitting in the client chair and can resonate with many of the grievances expressed here. I’ve had way more unhelpful therapists than helpful ones. I’ve probably seen a dozen in the last 20 years, and only 2 of them really stand out as exceptional. The rest were either nice but ineffective, or downright punitive. I’d like to think my therapist is working WITH me, rather than FOR me. The outcome really does mostly have to do with the quality of the relationship. Therapists need to check in more with their clients and warmly ask them for feedback on what is working and what is not, what they think of the therapy, etc… You can’t just assume it’s going great (or that it’s going bad because they are only in ‘catharsis’ or something), because many clients (myself as example) are just too vulnerable to really exert ourselves in that manner in a relationship where there is a power imbalance. I got so frustrated with all the crappy therapists out there that I decided to become one. I do know some wonderful people in the field and think that there are clinicians out there who really walk the talk and make the investment worth it, but unfortunately, it is mostly a field populated with professionals who just don’t have the passion like the great ones.

  • Sue

    November 30th, 2011 at 12:06 AM

    Feedback itself is a tricky business because therapy easily can be a folie a deux. Therapists gave me pep talks, encouraged me blaming everyone else for my troubles, and convinced me that if I followed their prescription there would be some magic anointment. I would have given some of this enthusiastic feedback.

    Years later, I feel like a huge chump being taken in by any of this. Perhaps the feedback that matters is not what’s happening in the consulting room, but what’s happening outside.

  • Allie

    December 4th, 2011 at 1:39 AM

    After reading all this, not sure I ever want to spend another minute even thinking about ever considering therapy again. I know therapist “Michelle Samuel” would never, ever get my business. In fact, I’m really glad this lady thinks phone calls that require a yes or no are more important than the person paying her $150-200-300 an hour. They aren’t. The list is a really good one.

    Ask this questions of therapists: “Why are you a therapist?” If they say something like, “I want to create harmony in interpersonal relationships..”, RUN!!! It’s a means to end for them—lots of money!

    My pet peeves which caused me to quit:

    1. Phone calls during therapy – this is your job, profession. Perhaps rip your phone out of the wall and survive 50 minutes without it. You are either there to engage the patient or the phone. If it’s a TRUE emergency, a patient will understand. Ask the patient to turn their phone off too. I always did till I had a T that answered calls during therapy. I went the 2nd visit and answered my phone throughout then told her, “This isn’t working out. I’ll find someone else.”

    2. No license, no therapy – Hey, if you want to be a good samaritan, good. I ain’t paying for it though.

    3. The T with one field of study – No idea what they are, don’t care, hope Freud’s diaper was clean.

    4. Patients are science projects – No, I don’t want to be a study for your paper, your grant, your benefit, etc. Nothing against it. Just it should be a free thing if I am. Not telling me about it really, really, really pisses me off.

    5. Expensive or dumpy office – Comfy is good. If it’s not comfy, you don’t want people to stay. If your office is a dump, you need help more than I do.

    6. Therapy at a T’s home – No. It should be called fraud. Was your license revoked? Kicked out of a practice?

    7. Religion as therapy – I’m really glad Jesus, Buddha, your cat, the tooth fairy, your imaginary friend, etc. works for you. Save your witnessing for elsewhere. (I actually told one where she could put Jesus.) Christian Counseling is a joke IMO.

    8. Asking me to do something for you – Ask me outside therapy. NO, I WILL NOT BUY STUDY GUIDES OR BOOKS YOU WROTE FROM YOU! $300 an hour and you want my to buy your book for $10???

    9. Cancelling my appointments because they have something better to do. ‘Nuff Said.

    10. Treating your therapy practice as a hobby – Basically, this racket pays for my vacations to Europe or I wouldn’t be doing it.

    11. Just because I’m pretty and you can see my cleavage does not mean I want to be ogled. Yeah, it was women Ts who offended here. Shove your fashion advice. I’m not dressed like a hooker.

    12. Ask me details about my sex life. Read penthouse letters instead. I’m a contributor. My child rape is the only details you need to know unless I ask a question like..”Do I do because happened when I was raped?”

    13. Talk about how great you are like “I was the therapist to .” So, since you bring it up all the time, you’ve been a total loser since then, right?

    14. Talk about other patients they’ve helped or are helping treating that confidentiality like it’s nothing.

    15. If they gripe about reviews on here, run.

    16. If they ask you to put good reviews on here, run.

    How to fire a therapist: don’t go back. You are under absolutely NO obligation to tell them anything. However, they are if they quit you.

    If you have a T that is abusive, take a recording device they can’t see, record it and see a lawyer. A lawyer will know exactly what to do with the recording and any other evidence you have.

    Therapy is a job. Some excel and many don’t. The best thing anyone can do is not go to the one’s that don’t do it well and hope they quit due to lack of money and find something else to.

    If you go to a group, ask other patients who is a good T. They know. It’s the best advice you’ll get.

  • Sue

    December 8th, 2011 at 4:15 PM

    Allie, I agree with your points. Sometimes I think the missing ingredient is –common sense. Therapy isn’t some supernatural other-worldly art. Above all, the first watchwords need to be respect, courtesy and accountability. On one level the relationship isn’t at all “special.” Human emotions, civility and customs don’t stop at the consulting room door. Nor do the hazards of a fundamentally unequal relationship.

  • Steve

    December 10th, 2011 at 6:08 AM

    I had an experience recently with a licensed social worker – C that was the most upsetting experience of my life. I am considering filing a complaint with the state and may contact a lawyer. Here’s what happened.

    My son (14) had gotten into an altercation with my wife the week before and there was some shoving and he called her a B****. Actually I believe my wife initiated the conflict. So I set up a session with a company that works with my insurance carrier. When we met with the social worker I explained to her the altercation and the fact that my son had put holes in his walls over the past year including his baseball bat and his hatchet (he uses it when we camp). She interviewed us first and asked if we had knives in the house and guns, I said yes and that they are for sporting and are kept hidden way. My son had never threatened any one and was very interested in hunting. She immediately said that we must remove all the guns and knives (including our kitchen knives) and that my wife and daughter were in grave danger. I’m sort of taken back by this and said that I thought she was over reacting. She had my wife in tears. When my son came in he would not respond to her as he was upset for being there. When he would not respond to her questions she got aggressive and said to him I expect you to give me the respect I deserve and answer my questions and make eye contact. She basically wanted a contract with him that all the knives and guns would be removed and if he did not agree to this she would take action. He became very upset at her and yelled at us for taking him there and that he hated us and the he would kill himself rather that have to go through this (he can be immature and say things he doesn’t mean when). I told the social worker that things were getting off tract that that we need another approach. She left the room and returned and wrote a note to me that said “the police were on their way”. I was stunned. When the police arrived she said that she was filling out a ED order that that my son was to go with them to the hospital that happened to be across the street. She said it was too late to do anything and that basically he would go there for an evaluation and then be transported to a mental heath facility whether or not we liked it. The police said to my son that you can walk with us or we’ll put the handcuffs on you. The ambulance showed and he went willingly with them to the hospital. I was at this point floored and livid beyond comprehension. I told here that this was a huge mistake and that we came there for counseling and help and when he did not cave to her bulling tactics she got aggressive. Please keep in mind that he never threatened us or her or anyone other than the comment about killing himself the one time. She left us with the impression that he would not be coming home and that he would end up in a ward. I cannot tell you how upset I was, He was admitted and the doctor order a blood and urine test (drugs). Of course it was clean because he had never done drugs or alcohol. The girl who took his blood warmed right up to him and he started to respond in a friendly manner. After an hour or so the hospital family therapist showed up and interviewed us and my son (alone). He was very friendly with her and very talkative. After she interviewed my son one-on-one she gave me a couple of references for therapists she liked. I informed her that I was very upset at the social worker and that I had a mind to report her to the state and gave her an overview of what happened. She said she would call and speak with her then get us our discharge. The social worker was in a session so she did not speak with her. We were discharged. Keep in mind that we are professionals and are very friendly and outgoing people. The people at the hospital were very friendly to my son and it was a nice experience there. Later that night a cop showed up at my house and mentioned that he received some sort of sketchy call about my son being ED’ed. I explained to him the situation and that we went to the hospital, complied and were discharged. He said something to the effect that I was upset and the situation at the hospital (the social worker probably eventually spoke with the hospital). I said I was but I was calm and that I would take whatever action I need to. He left after a friendly conversation.

    My issues:

    1. She never gave us counseling.
    2. She actually made diagnosis such as he should see a neurologist, he is not ADHD (one concern I had), and that he may have depression. All this diagnosis with 20 minutes with us and 20 with him.
    3. She scared the hell out of us my calling the police and leaving us with the impression that he would be locked up.
    4.Never consulted us on how we wanted to handle things before calling the police.

    Most likely I will never go to a therapist after this horrific experience.

    Thanks,
    Steve

  • jen

    July 3rd, 2015 at 11:26 AM

    Hi, I had a similar situation happen to me. different set of problems, but the fact that we asked for help and it made everything worse in my life! I will never seek help again unless they will sign a contract for me and answer my questions first. By the time i was done i had a child neglect case my whole family was affected by it. And I feel like it was a team effort to try and cover up the therapist intake first mistake. its been 2 years and i’m still mad like it happened yesterday. I avoid going to the doctor for my diabetes because i don’t want to say anything about that might get me in trouble even though i’m not causing any. They told me to take accountability for my part in things so just in effort to be done with it i would do more then asked of me and try and guess what they wanted to hear. I am good about voicing my concerns but was treated like they didn’t know if i told the truth full about situations i feel they should take more seriously. no matter what they were right and i was wrong. its hard to explain with out telling my whole story. I don’t mind sharing but would take up my whole day and get me all worked up. I do know there were many mistakes made by almost everyone that had control of my life. not minor mistakes either and basically made it worse for me. i voiced till the end what i thought. i made mistakes in my life but my background looked spotless compared to the people they ok’d my 4 year old to live with. these are the mistakes i know they made.

    1. the first therapist sent me to the wrong program. and failed to say it was a year long program after u spent 2 months in a rehab.

    2. i had no government agency telling me i had to do anything. except the social worker who informed me after 3 months of not going to group and how am i suppose to know when they say its your choice they mean you get to chose from the choices they gave you.

    3. i feel like they only wanted me to process what my part in situations even though i am full aware and will tell the truth especially if i don’t care if hurts. the lie hurts worse the longer its out there.

    4. in both the rehab and the the after program, they gave no direction toward how to finish. i had no idea i was suppose to have therapy twice a week. or even drop ua’s and because of the situation i had the, groups did more damage then good the biggest thing was the therapist i talked to because my therapist kept pushing questions about my health. just another way to keep me there.

    she advised filing a complaint because a friend of mine that had the same therapist we meet there. we still seen each other more often then we did in class. she was told that she needs to have friend that are doing right. basically saying i’m not cause she hadn’t seen me. we spent too much time together for her to not notice if i was doing stupid things. we did have a meeting about that one.

    funny, i took my friend with me so she couldn’t say that it didn’t happen. and she had to wait in the waiting room until we had a convo and then she would grab her when we were ready. she apologized for how ever my friend interpreted what she said. instead it was me the boss her and my social worker on the phone. they wont even acknowledge the proof u brought with u.

    i gave up at this point. i felt they would find a reason to take custody of my child. even having to prove i had a false positive because of my diabetes. even though it stated it clearly. and i know they disliked that i will let everyone know what is happening over and over until i had to prove it so started documenting all conversations and if i got a call back or not. i also knew my ex was missing his ua’s and confronted her on it. i’m pretty sure she favored him because of who his mom is, but did not expect for her to let her know how the system failed her grand daughter. goes on and on.

    i had to take a break cause it will control my life if i let it. not to mention they made me feel like i had lost my mind or that they thought i was using because of they way i would not let it go. a girl there was told she was getting tested for spice and was told if she told the truth it wouldn’t be as bad if it came back hot. so she admitted but was a fake special test bottle they gave her a diabetic cup cause they can’t actually test in less there is evidence you have smoked it. i’m sure they hated my big mouth and my daughter was gonna be the one who paid if my mother-in-law validated my statements. the list goes on and on.

    i backed off of it cause it was finally over. I fought until the end but did not have the energy to have to invite the courts, social services or therapist in my life. not to mention they all work together, i don’t know that it will be worth anymore pain because they twist it around ignore what they have to and it wont be fair. What do I do?

  • Kelly P. Crossing, LPC, MEd, MS

    December 10th, 2011 at 1:07 PM

    Hello all,
    I’ve been following this blog for a little while now, though this is the first time I’ve commented. It truly is a great list of warning signs that we all should be aware of, whether we are therapists or clients. I have been in both sets of shoes. As a therapist myself, it is enlightening – and heartbreaking – to see how many people have had negative experiences.

    Steve and Allie, your recent posts have touched me the most. It is clear you both have had some terrible experiences with therapy, but I so hope you won’t allow these experiences to color your view of all therapists. I can tell you firsthand, THERAPISTS DO SO MUCH GOOD! My life was saved by a great therapist many years ago, and that is the reason I am now a therapist myself.

    I think one of the primary keys to good therapy is making a genuine, therapeutic connection with the therapist. Connections really are the key to any relationship, and a relationship with a therapist is no different.

    Connections can be tricky though, as with any relationship. Sometimes clients are so in need of a connection with another person that they appear to – or actually do – connect easily with the therapist. Sometimes they have been so hurt by broken connections with friends or loved ones, they have a difficult time making any connections at all. Regardless of the client’s experiences or needs, it is the therapist’s responsibility to determine what the initial level of connection can or should be with the client … and how that connection should or should not evolve with time.

    When I speak with clients, I try to get a clear understanding of where they are, emotionally speaking, as quickly as possible, so that I can meet them there and have a place to start. For those who seem like they need to talk, to tell me their story, I simply give them the floor on a first visit. I allow them the freedom to tell me what’s important to them, and I use what they say as a foundation for setting goals.

    For those who seem more reluctant to talk and tell me their story, regardless of the reason, I begin by asking a few nonthreatening questions designed to make them feel comfortable, make them feel like it’s safe to talk to me.

    My entire objective is to find some common ground where a connection can potentially be made. Working with clients in this way has helped me to form connections with them and ultimately help them move toward emotional health.

    As for the experiences of many is posted in this blog, I think a genuine, therapeutic connection may have been missing. I know this happens for lots of different reasons – sometimes it takes the client a while to feel comfortable with the therapist; sometimes the therapist isn’t focused on developing a connection; and sometimes the therapist and client just may not be a good fit.

    As someone so appropriately said, therapy is an art and not a science. And therapists are human and not robots. If I can establish a genuine connection quickly, we can move to the more difficult issues more quickly. When I work with clients that need a little more time, I try to stay focused on the tangible and concrete issues and develop a rapport more slowly. Either way is fine and is ultimately beneficial to the client. And that’s the point of therapy.

    When I was in my early 20s, I was dealing with a specific issue and went to a counselor on my college campus. I had never been to a counselor before, and my expectation was that he would be able to give me some advice that would help me with my issue. To make a long story short, he didn’t help me at all. He listened to me, and he basically repeated back to me everything I had said. But he gave me no advice whatsoever. Nothing terrible happened; he just simply wasn’t helpful. I walked away feeling like it had been a complete waste of my time and his.

    While that experience did leave a bad taste in my mouth about therapy, I’m so thankful I didn’t assume all therapists would be just like him. It was probably 10 years later that I sought therapy again for a much more serious issue and found the one who changed –saved– my life. And that’s why I am now so passionate about therapy.

    While I would encourage anyone to stop seeing a therapist who makes them feel uncomfortable – and I certainly know there are therapists out there who act in unprofessional ways – I would also encourage them not to assume that all therapists are bad just because they found one who was. Most of us choose this field so that we can help others, and we work hard every day to that end. :-)

    Best regards,

    Kelly

  • margarets

    December 12th, 2011 at 11:38 AM

    Yeah, every so often we get a therapist on here making the “few bad apples” argument. Except that no one knows how many bad apples there are. No research of any kind has EVER been done on that topic.

    I think any honest therapist has to admit that they really haven’t a clue what “most” therapists are like, and that therapy is always a risk because there is no good way to determine in advance whether a given therapist is competent and ethical, or a total whackjob.

    Steve’s case is an excellent example. He went to see a LICENSED social worker and found himself and his family in the middle of a nightmare, in just one session.

  • Golden

    December 12th, 2011 at 1:15 PM

    WOW! I appreciate all your guys.Especially, kelly:) Got lots of useful information form your guys.

  • Matt

    December 13th, 2011 at 12:44 PM

    I hope someone here will read and comment. I’m stuck.

    I’m in tumultuous relationship with ex-spouse, who refuses co-parenting approach and is amazingly bitter 5+ years after a divorce that was planned and executed by that ex-spouse.

    Via a Priority Consultant’s recommendations, my ex-spouse and I receive counseling for “parenting assistance.” Ex-spouse has filed so many motions with court that I’ve lost count, with not one of them being supported by court.

    Therapist, even after many requests on my part, will not address my interest in co-parenting but insists on parallel parenting, because (in my opinion) the therapist won’t address ex-spouses anger, bitterness and general personality disorder. Therapist has admittedly accepted gifts from my ex-spouse. They sit together at school meetings related to my children. Therapist has billed/charged my insurance company using my children’s names as the “patient” for sessions conducted with ex-spouse and children were not present. Ex-spouse is not on my insurance. (insurance fraud?) For several reasons, I feel that the therapist is biased in favor of ex-spouse due to being same gender, among other things. (I’m obviously biased myself tho’). AND, I’ve communicated this to therapist only to receive the response that I will need to petition court.

    I would rather not file complaint with state licensing board, nor file insurance fraud complaint, as I’m weary of conflict. Yet, I feel that I’m being screwed because this therapist has input to the court system on decisions related to my children.

  • Sue

    December 13th, 2011 at 7:22 PM

    Matt, condolences for a bad therapist adding to what was a long difficult ordeal before you met her. I won’t pretend to know the legal ins and outs, but it does seem like time to collect documentation, visit the lawyer etc. If this woman can influence legal judgments, yo might be left to protect yourself, even if you don’t report her to the insurance company etc. Another respondent here had difficulty with insurance fraud.

    Margaret, I agree to your response to the “few bad apples” argument. My unhappiness is with the larger system that seems to create an authoritarian culture in the therapy community. And a therapist operating within ethical guidelines can still be destructive in many ways few professionals seem to realize.

  • Kelly P. Crossing, LPC, MEd, MS

    December 19th, 2011 at 10:37 PM

    Hi Matt,

    I’m not sure if I can be of much help here, but I’ll sure try . . . I can’t tell from your post if the therapist is your ex-spouse’s, your children’s, yours, or you and your ex-spouse’s together as parents. Additionally, I can’t tell if the therapist was assigned to you by the court – or even employed by the court – or if she was chosen privately by you and/or your ex-spouse. This matters because identifying the actual client is what’s important. For a therapist, focusing on the actual client is critical, and what were ethically bound to do. In fact, due to confidentiality issues, we are generally unable to speak with anyone but the client unless we have a written consent or release signed by the client.

    If the therapist is employed by the court or assigned to you by the court, her position is most likely one of assessing the family situation and making recommendations back to the court. If this is the case, the word “client” doesn’t actually seem to fit. It would be difficult to call any of you a client from a therapeutic standpoint if she knows up front her job is to report back to the court. Though of course I don’t know all of the legal issues you’re facing nor do I know the laws in every part of the country, the confidentiality issues in this situation would be very muddy. If the therapist is an agent of the court, my feeling is that she should do a thorough assessment of you, your ex-spouse, and the children to understand the family dynamics before she can make a recommendation.

    If she has not been assigned specifically by the court and is the therapist for both of you together or for your children, she has an obligation to all of you to help you work through whatever issues may be present in an unbiased way. This would include speaking and working with all of you, being open and candid about her professional assessment of your situation, and maintaining a professional relationship with all of you.

    Based on your description of her behavior, I am wondering if she is technically the therapist for your ex-spouse only?, If this is the case, her obligation is to your ex, and she has no obligation to you. In fact if she is the therapist to your ex, discussing therapy with you could potentially violate confidentiality guidelines.

    While I certainly question some of her therapeutic choices like spending time outside of therapy sessions with your ex, it sounds to me as though your ex may actually be her client. If this is the case, I’m thinking perhaps you need to seek your own counselor or therapist so that your needs can be addressed as well??

    I don’t really know if that’s helpful at all. What I do know from working with so many couples and families is that it can get very tricky at times. The counselor’s role is to always work towards the client’s best interests. The problem occurs when two people in the same family have interests that conflict with one another. The therapist absolutely cannot meet the needs of both.

    I think you would be well served to understand who her client is and then go from there.

    To margarets:
    I really appreciate your feedback, but I’m not sure that I understand your disagreement with the “few bad apples” argument. It seems to me if you’re saying the therapists who engage in unprofessional behavior are NOT “a few bad apples,” then you’re saying we are all “bad apples,” i.e. we all behave that way. And that is just simply untrue. Though some therapists unfortunately do cross the lines of ethical boundaries, we do not all do so.

    Like you, I have not seen a study that tried to quantify how many so-called “bad apples” there may be among us. But this is largely due to the fact that research on the efficacy of therapy is very difficult to conduct for a variety of reasons:

    There are confidentiality guidelines that restrict therapists from speaking about clients – making it difficult to find clients for a research study,

    Many clients would not be willing to speak about therapy or their therapists, and

    The very subjective nature of understanding what is successful, what is professional, etc. to clients. Clients have very different definitions and ideas about what to expect from therapy and thus what makes good therapy.

    While I think I understand what you mean when you say any honest therapist should admit to having no idea what “most” therapists are like, I would pose the question right back to you. How is it that you know what most therapists are like? I can personally say I know or have known hundreds of therapists. Whether in school, in my places of employment, or in the many trainings for professional counselors I’ve both attended and presented, I have worked with so many people that I believe to be really good, competent, professional, ethical counselors.

    I couldn’t agree with you more that it’s always a risk to find a therapist, and sometimes people have to talk with more than one to find one they like. But assuming we’re all bad does far more harm than good. I would really hate to see someone contemplating therapy – someone who may be dealing with some really difficult issues – assume most therapists are unethical or unprofessional and therefore decide not to seek the help good therapists can provide.

  • margarets

    December 22nd, 2011 at 8:53 AM

    “It seems to me if you’re saying the therapists who engage in unprofessional behavior are NOT “a few bad apples,” then you’re saying we are all “bad apples,” i.e. we all behave that way.”

    Hoo boy. There’s a big logical fallacy in your statement. I said “no one knows how many bad apples there are” and you jump to “you’re saying all the apples are bad”.

    And then you agree with me that no one knows how many bad apples there are.

    Uh, I personally would hope for a therapist with a better ability to read/listen to what I am *actually saying* instead of making inferences, who looks at the *evidence at hand* and who is a good logical thinker.

    E.g. You say you know hundreds of therapists and they all seem like competent professionals. Well, so what? Hundreds is a small fraction of the total number, and of course you have never interacted with them as a client. Surely a therapist knows that people can present one persona to certain people and another to others (e.g. the “pillar of the community” type who abuses their family in private). What you see may not be the truth.

    The bad therapists don’t tell clients upfront that they’re bad. The client has to figure it out on their own, often the hard way. At best, they have wasted their time and money (and they may not have more time or money to continue their search for a good therapist, so the opportunity is lost altogether). And since no one has shown that therapy is truly necessary to deal with difficult issues, why take the risk?

  • Sue

    December 22nd, 2011 at 8:25 PM

    The “patient” submits to a relationship of unequal power and disclosure based on artificial role playing. Therapy can reinforce dependency, subordination, regression, idealization, magnification of deficiencies and victimization among other states. Therapy carries large risks far beyond dealing with the most flagrant violations.

  • Sue

    December 23rd, 2011 at 10:25 AM

    I’m amused therapists reading this thread so often have a defensive need to joust and prevail, even if that means by distorting arguments, rather than learning from the negative experiences consumers report here.

    It’s a delicious replication of a typical dynamic. The therapist feels she must maintain authority, and if that’s threatened, she’ll employ the needed weaponry to quash dissent.

    If any professional has the curiosity to learn about iatrogenesis from the articulate writers here, they’ll find much material on this thread as well as in the blogs several of us have started.

  • Bee

    December 25th, 2011 at 2:14 PM

    hello. thank you for reading my comment, and providing a place to leave feedback on this blog.

    my friend of over 12 years has been seeing a therapist for the past year for grief and depression. during a visit to my house several months ago, my friend disclosed with me some surprising situations with regard to her therapist-client relationship.

    i entered into their conversation, as my friend asked her therapist about ‘asperger autism.’ i’m on the autism spectrum and the therapist made the following statements about me to my friend: “stay away from asperger autism people; they’re cold; they’re insensitive; you don’t want a friend like that;” et c. i was floored, and inquired after her expertise into neurodiversity/autism specialty. my friend said that her therapist had not seen anyone on the autism spectrum as a client, but that’s what was ‘in the books.’

    as if the information above wasn’t enough, they go to church together, play on facebook together, my friend said the therapist has invited her to do these things and More! the therapist even told my friend that she was ‘like a child/family to her!’

    now, my friend is backpeddling, and defending her therapists’ position against me saying it was to ‘protect’ her, and that i am ‘exaggerating’ things, she shared with me.

    i found several things listed in this blog that were not professional for my friends’ therapist to be doing, boundary-wise.

    best,
    bee

  • Sue

    December 25th, 2011 at 3:52 PM

    Bee, I’m a consumer, not a professional, but my reaction is the same as yours. I understand the behavior you describe to be way over the bounds of professional ethics, not only the “dual relationship,” but the therapist’s directive attempt to interfere with a friendship. I’m glad the therapist didn’t succeed.

    I find it difficult to witness a friend involved in a relationship I consider ill-advised. I might to tell a friend about my personal reactions, that witnessing it worries and saddens me. It’s difficult to get another person to change her mind, and sometimes the only option is to stay silent unless/until the friend expresses more ambivalence. If your friend ultimately becomes disillusioned, it’s likely to be a painful breakup for her.

    There’s a wisdom in your post that already disproves the therapist’s contention about the Asperger’s population. I have a family member with Asperger’s who is warm and loyal to his friends. Neurodiversity is a great word–there’s no one manifestation or pigeon hole.

  • Kelly P. Crossing, LPC, MEd, MS

    December 26th, 2011 at 1:43 PM

    Hi Bee,

    I am so sorry you and your friend are going through this . . . I sincerely hope this has not damaged your relationship! Based on your post, and as Sue also stated, it looks as if this particular therapist may be violating “dual relationship” guidelines among others. Making broad, directive statements like “stay away from asperger autism people” —or any person or group of people, for that matter—is a serious concern, as well. A primary role of the therapist is to help GUIDE clients to find their own best solutions/conclusions through personal insight and NOT DIRECT them to any specific ones.

    Hopefully, your friend is able to talk to her therapist and discuss any concerns about these statements and about the additional relationship roles they seem to have. I would encourage her to step back and sincerely assess the relationship with her therapist. If she views the therapist as a central RELATIONSHIP in her life, I believe that’s a significant red flag.

    Healthy personal relationships are typically balanced when it comes to power—meaning neither party has more overall power than the other. In a nutshell, the therapist/client relationship cannot be balanced because the therapist has been sought out by the client for professional, therapeutic help. This unequal power balance is built in to the therapist/client relationship at its inception and generally cannot be changed.

    Much like we seek teachers or professors as experts in their individual fields of study, doctors as experts in medicine, accountants as experts in financial matters, etc., we seek therapists as experts in the field of counseling, relationships, grief, or other areas of our lives. Because of the nature of this professional relationship, therapists are not intended to be “friends” or take on any other primary roles in the lives of their clients.

    Since I don’t know where you live, I should point out that the dual relationship issue is much more complicated in small towns or places where “everybody knows everybody.” In these places, it is often impossible not to run into each other as they both go through their daily lives. But the therapist’s responsibility not to actively engage in dual relationships remains.

    I also want to be clear that I am not talking about the therapist’s or client’s VALUE or WORTH as being unbalanced—all of us are equal as human beings. I am only speaking of the nature of the RELATIONSHIP between a therapist and his/her client.

    Best regards,

    Kelly

  • Margaret

    January 3rd, 2012 at 9:44 AM

    I have a situation not listed here.After 9 months of going to a psychiatrist once a week in what I considered a successful and helpful therapy, One month ago unexpectedly told me that something I said was the “last straw”. Amazed I asked her what the other straws were and her answers seemed like extremely minor remarks that offended her and made her feel I was condescending. Things she had never mentioned before. The next week my Assistant called to ask her for an opt out letter from medicare and she was very angry, saying she would charge me for the “burden” this placed on her and that I should seek other therapy, she suggested I go to a geriatric psychiatrist who took medicare. I decided to cancel my appointment for that week to let things cool down. She then wrote me a letter telling me that she was immediately dismissing me from therapy with no notice and would give me 30 days of medication. This has been shocking behavior and I think there are some rules about just dropping a patient without working it through. told my assistant that I should find another therapist. when he was asking her to send us and opt out letter for medicare, she threatened to charge me for it. But the worst was that when I cancelled one appointment, the only one I had ever

  • margarets

    January 8th, 2012 at 6:12 PM

    One of the things I discussed with my ex-therapist was how I did not trust the man I was seeing at the time. There were many red flags, and I mentioned them to her. Her attitude was (a direct quote):

    “Why not just trust? Some people do. They just trust.”

    So – ha – I just emailed her with that quote and the following message:

    [link to local news article about a woman whose boyfriend is alleged to have murdered her; this guy had red flags out the wazoo – for more info google “Paul Hindle” and “Toronto”]

    Well, here’s an example. And you can add to it all the women who have been beaten, raped, infected with STIs, stolen from and cheated on by men they chose to “just trust”. As a social worker, you should know that such things are not uncommon.

    Some people are not just trustworthy. I would think a good therapist would know that. Only a very bad therapist would encourage a woman to ignore red flags in a relationship.

    Of course, I am 100% right, but she will refuse to acknowledge it. She’s that dangerous.

  • Tasha

    January 9th, 2012 at 1:41 AM

    I recently have been dealing with a therapist, but not as his patient. My children and ex husband have been going because of a protective order. The therapist was retained to work the children back to seeing their dad after 3 months of zero contact. In the beginning he made some very bold statements about my ex and the intent of abuse that happened to my daughter (age 10). THere was no question that coaching had not happened and he brought up diagnosis like anti social, predator, and narcissist. He had so many concerns. Jump ahead 3 months to forcing my ex and myself to sign a parenting agreement. And because I am not willing to follow blindly to everything that is happening with my kids in session. Mind you they share with me, I do not believe in forcing them to share. I have been ridiculed and the therapist has written to the Guardian ad Litem that my axis 11 is becoming out of control if I dont get my way. He states that I have a personality disorder ( i dont) and he is concerned that it is pushing him to do an in home assessment on me. In the beginning of the sessions I was asked to do some assessments to make it fair for my ex to be expected to follow suit. He has already stated that neither of us had any issues from those test results. He has asked my children in therapy, with my ex in the room where they wanted to live. And if they wanted to live with their dad he could tell the judge their wishes and it would happen. My son (14) had come home and said bluntly ” Man he really hates you doesnt he?” referring to the therapist. He has put my ex husband on some sort of mood drug and says that Im the one that needs to be controlled. I am concerned for my children that because of his blatant disregard,more harm will come after the protective order has been dropped. My son says the therapist is always asking “snoopy” questions about me in from of my ex during the session. He does feel that his therapy is the only way. When I questioned him about a particular visitation schedule for the holidays he told me I was double talking because I have said I want my kids to be listened to but then if I dont agree with a decision they have made I lose control and try to manipulate the situation. I could go on and on. Sadly the guardian ad litem has bluntly said she is leaving it strictly up to the professionals in this case.
    This man has seen my 3 times and spoken to me 2 times on the phone. Does it seem odd that he is already throwing out personality disorders? He hasnt said which one, just that I have one. How do I fight this obvious bias? Is it ethical to diagnose someone who they have said from tests are normal but then flip to say that they have serious concerns about how Im running my life. And pushing for in home assessments? What about my kids?
    Just a side note- I do have a great therapist! Have for almost a year. Before any of this mess started. He read what the email said. He has let me know that who I am is nowhere near what this other therapist has said. Any suggestions on how to deal with this very arrogant therapist? Sorry if this looks like rambling. The frustration is difficult to type through.

  • Utty

    January 11th, 2012 at 10:02 AM

    I am currently seeing a therapist. Last summer I was so broke I had no money or food. I complained about this often. One day I came into her office and she had a bag of groceries to give me. I did accept it but it felt odd. Then later she started wanting to make a grocery list so that she could go buy me the food I wanted. I told her that I didn’t want her to do that. After that happened I got very depressed. Since then I just don’t feel very close to her. I keep thinking someone else could help me more than she is.

  • Barb

    January 12th, 2012 at 8:59 AM

    Has anyone noticed this new trend? Therapists and counselors who tweet/blog judgemental and hurtful views (‘fat’ jokes, comments about ‘crazy’ people etc) under their own name for any client to read and react to. I recently pointed out the dangers of this behavior to three young newbie counselors. Two were open to the feedback, but the third one basically told me to butt out, it’s her life. I worry about her clients.

  • Sue

    January 14th, 2012 at 7:03 PM

    Barb, funny you should mention about therapist bloggers. I encountered one of those writing derogatory, condescending things about a tentative new client. It read as dreadfully vindictive and juvenile as she described a client who was unsure she wanted to commit to therapy. I hope that client runs as fast as possible. It was a real dig to the subject and terrible if any client reads it. These therapists must think they’re writing useful cases, when in fact they’re like gossipy teens on Facebook.

    Utty, if the grocery incident happened to me, I’d think a therapist was crossing over into my private life, which isn’t her role.

  • Carrie Berry

    January 14th, 2012 at 8:56 PM

    I had a therapist I really liked, but he moved out of state. I went to another therapist, and initially, she said some of the same things about my sister-in-law (the source of of my problem) as the first therapist, including an opinion that it sounded like my SIL had a personality disorder.

    I had asked the first therapist if it could possibly be me who was blowing things out of proportion or giving him the wrong idea about her, and he assured me that he knew my character well after several years, and felt confident by my descriptions that this is what we were dealing with. I felt better knowing that there was a reason for her horrible behavior, and I actually starting feeling some sympathy for my SIL.

    But after a couple of sessions with the second counselor, she started meeting with the rest of my in-laws as well because of my MIL’s Alzheimer’s Disease–I was almost solely caring for her w/out help (SIL wouldn’t communicate with me) and I was 8 mos pregnant.

    Anyway, the therapist later retracted the comment about my SIL having personality disorder, and said she didn’t think that anymore.

    This totally screwed with my head. Since then, she also asked my husband if he wished his sister would change, and when he said “yes”, she asked him what changes he would make about himself and didn’t allow him to elaborate about his sister.

    Every time I’ve tried to talk about how my SIL’s behavior affects me, she tells me I’m making assumptions about her or gives me a lecture about why I should have empathy for her, as our roles in our alcoholic families were the same.

    Am I wrong, or is the second counselor out of line?

  • Carrie Berry

    January 14th, 2012 at 9:33 PM

    I forgot to mention that I tried a third counselor, who seemed helpful and suggested we try to set up a meeting with my SIL to work things through, but then he said our insurance company wasn’t cooperating with him so he just charged our debit card nearly $500.

    I asked him why he would just do that without giving me a chance to talk to the insurance company to work it out, and he said he’d refund me if I could work it out on my end, but he didn’t seem very sympathetic to the fact that it wiped out my account and I had bills to pay, nor did he offer to resolve it further on his end.

    I told him to refund it immediately or I’d call Mastercard and take it up with them. He refunded it and told me sarcastically “good luck with your therapy” (in other words, f*** off). An hour later, the insurance company told me that he’d submitted the claim incorrectly and just needed to make a simple change in order to receive his full payment.

    I’m now looking for a fourth counselor, but I’m feeling very weary of laying myself bare, explaining everything again, and then wondering if I’m going to have to deal with any nonsense again.

  • Marc A. Procopio

    January 17th, 2012 at 4:50 PM

    As a person in therapy myself, this is going to be very helpful to me as I have not only questioned the ability of my therapists to deal with my problems within the therapist client relationship but the types of therapy that I am receiving! I had no idea that there are what looks to be a Hundred or more types of therapy. I go talk; she listens I leave. That’s it! Is this normal? I’m not being empowered at all and never have been in many years of desperation trying to get help. I have Post Traumatic stress among other things and feel I’m falling through the dam cracks. I told her I wanted to apply for social security and she said that it was reserved for people who need it! Whoa…. Please if your a therapist do all of us a favor get your head out of those college school books and do something for your clients based on what they tell you they need not what you learned in school! The world will be a better place for all of us! I know what your thinking-Projection, NO!!!

  • Fire femme

    January 18th, 2012 at 6:40 PM

    I have been in therapy for 4 years after a traumatic event. Very recently I made a huge breakthrough outside therapy and while she was excited about that, a decision I made regarding continuing to explore the breakthrough, she did not respond as I expected. She said “I would of course never tell you what to do, but no, I don’t think you should.”. It felt very judgmental though maybe that’s her job- to keep me from making decisions that aren’t good. This was a decision I felt great about before our session but now I am nervous and hesitant and wondering if I am strong enough given her negative reaction. Should I be going with her opinion or the one I had before telling her?

  • Courtney

    January 20th, 2012 at 11:20 AM

    My issue is with the “clerical staff” at my psychiatrist’s office where I receive counseling and meds management. The clerical staff is negligent in getting my medications to me. My doctor never intercedes on my behalf. She even left me a voice mail that she is no longer my “primary”. I don’t think I can go back to see her. She doesn’t care enough to get involved when I ask for her help in getting my bi-polar meds thru the pharmaceutical company’s patient assistance program. I legitimently asked for her help and she did nothing.

  • Sue

    January 22nd, 2012 at 11:33 AM

    Fire femme, it would be unwise to venture an opinion about your decision.

    But in general, unless a client proposes something that would harm others or himself, a therapist should make no judgment or direction about life decisions.

    I found it damaging that therapists created an impression they had any kind of Life Knowledge I lacked. They didn’t have a clue.

  • Jess

    January 23rd, 2012 at 11:42 AM

    My therapist constantely tells me that she feels hopeless because she can’t help me. She tells me to buy all these books but we never look over them. One day I had a argument with my bf and she told me I’m addicted to abuse and that is why I stayed. Tells me I’m a masocist and I enjoy the pain I feel. Then tells me I’m better off leaving him.

    When I tried to leave her she tells me that she is unsure as to why and feels that I have so many overwhelming addictions that I need to continue seeing her and she reduced my rate in good faith.

    When I worked things out with my bf she told me I was making a great mistake and that I was going to regret it. Worse off is when I thought I was pregnant and she said “I told you so” and because of my “Sex Addiction” that this was bound to happen. I have been with my bf for six years. Never cheated and I’m a sex addict because I enjoy sex with him? Doesn’t make sense to me.

    I would leave her office in tears because of her judgments and critical outlook on my life. She still contacts me to make appointments and I have been forwarding her calls. She makes me feel like I have such bad problems in my life, she makes me feel worse.

  • Sue

    January 23rd, 2012 at 1:55 PM

    When I think about the therapy in real-life terms, it’s distorted and unhealthy from the outset. One person talks exclusively about her failings, self-doubts and irrational meanderings. The other person play-acts the “expert” in relationships and solving problems. No wonder therapy can make us feel worse.

    Jess, from reading your description, it seems like the addiction here belongs to the THERAPIST. Her judgments, the name calling, labels sound like HER pathology. Therapists will distort life’s ordinary travails into so-called afflictions. This might service THEIR emotional fulfillment and financial advantage.

  • Kelly P. Crossing, LPC, MEd, MS

    January 24th, 2012 at 8:15 PM

    Hi Jess,
    I’m not certain why your therapist says she can’t help you . . . but then continues to work with you. As a therapist myself, sometimes we do have clients that we don’t have the necessary skills, knowledge, or experience to help. When that happens, we are ethically bound to inform the client and take the next appropriate steps–which often means we refer to another therapist who has the necessary credentials.

    Sometimes a therapist and client will continue to work together despite a lack of credentials in a specific area, but this is typically an exception and usually due to an already-established positive therapeutic relationship. And the client has to be informed up front and should feel TOTALLY FREE to make the decision to stay with the counselor or go to another one.

    It doesn’t seem like there is a strong therapeutic relationship here . . . And the whole point of therapy is for you to feel better. If you are not progressing, maybe a different counselor that is more skilled/experienced in working with the issues you are dealing with would be more helpful??

    I wish you well and the best of luck in whatever you choose to do! :-)

    Kelly

  • Darren Haber, MFT

    January 24th, 2012 at 8:56 PM

    To Carrie Berry: sometimes I tremble in fear when I read these descriptions of my colleagues’ behavior. Holy unethical therapist, Batman. I am very sorry you have had to experience such shoddy, unprofessional treatment by folks who are allegedly sworn to “do no harm”. Sounds like these therapists have been pretty harmful indeed.

    Hard to know where to start. First I’d ask if the second counselor had your express written consent to contact your other family members and make them part of the therapy. If the answer is “no” then he or she broke the law. If yes, was it clear that they would, in effect, also become clients? It should be set upfront of treatment who the “Unit of Treatment” (in our jargon) actually is. Is it you? Your family? All of the above? I always recommend seeing someone on an individual basis, who is going to be your therapist only: your ally, your supporter, no matter what – then, you can get a referral to a family therapist who will treat the entire family as “the client”. Families are complex and dynamic and I personally find it almost impossible to build trust with an individual and then bring in family members and attempt to be neutral. How could I? Such a move almost always backfires. Someone ends up feeling betrayed or sided against, etc.

    Secondly, re. your making “assumptions”: your feelings, experience and subjective perspective is what matters most – not the opinion of the darn therapist! On the “top 10 list” of things therapists should never do is make their opinion more important than yours (with exceptions for truly dangerous situations, like a plan to harm oneself). It doesn’t matter what the “facts” are. We’re talking about what is unconscious and separate from “logic”, the language of the psyche; your feelings, hopes and emotional experiences are the most important “facts” of the therapy. It sounds like this therapist or counselor had extremely poor boundaries and lost focus on your well-being. From what I read here, you didn’t do anything wrong and he/she lost control of the case. I’m not sure if this is a reportable incident (aside from a potential breach of confidentiality) but it’s close. (For the record, any time any counselor is lecturing you about empathy, it’s time to head for the door.)

    As for the third counselor, again we’re talking about appalling behavior and I would call the licensing board and get a consultation regarding what happened. In some states what he did borders on illegality; if you have the inclination, you might look into the guidelines for financial abuse and fraud. Unless it was explicitly agreed that you were going to pay him should the insurance company “not cooperate”, he had no business charging you without permission, and was out of line to deride you when you (rightfully) asked for a refund. Worst of all, he callously abandoned you over a financial matter (due to his own mistake), another huge red flag in our field.

    If you live in an area covered by this site, perhaps you could find someone via Goodtherapy.org. If not, ask a doctor you trust, or a local university with a psychology program. Often those who teach there are therapists or know good ones in the community. I suggest you meet with two or three different therapists, tell them your story, and make sure they understand why this was so awful to go through. Have them explain how they work, what their “strategy” would be in working with you, and who the “client” is. I would also give yourself the right to stop going to them after 4-6 sessions if you’re not feeling completely safe. You owe it to yourself to be a little wary. Life is hard enough. I really do hope that all this will not prevent you from finding the help you are so bravely seeking.

  • Sue

    January 25th, 2012 at 10:19 AM

    After unethical therapy, the healing is to see the stagecraft and foolish little man behind the wizard’s curtain.

    Returning to yet another therapist–continuing the role playing– is a poor answer for some of us. The power differential and the external authority might move us further backwards.

  • Robert S.

    January 25th, 2012 at 10:52 PM

    Emily wrote:
    A therapist who sees a remarried couple when one of the partners was in counseling with the same therapist with their former spouse.

    I don’t think this is either a red flag or rule out. Yes, it is potentially a conflict, one which the therapist and (former couples) client need to discuss thoroughly, and need to involve the new partner in the decision about whether to work with this therapist. But there are certainly situation where this could work and actually be very beneficial for everyone involved.

  • EF

    January 29th, 2012 at 2:34 PM

    THANKS FOR THIS LIST.

    I know a rape victim at Denison University.

    The University MANDATED THAT THE VICTIM TAKE ANTI-DEPRESSANTS IF SHE WANTED TO REMAIN.

    THE THERAPIST MANDATED THAT THE VICTIM TAKE A MENIAL JOB TO GET OVER HER ORDEAL.

    THE STUDENT, OBVIOUSLY, LEFT.

    THERAPY SEEMS LIKE A SELF-PERPETUATING INDUSTRY.

  • EF

    January 29th, 2012 at 2:35 PM

    sorry that i won’t/can’t leave my real details. i’m sure you can sympathize/understand why that might be so.

    i hope you publish the comment anyway

  • Melinda

    January 30th, 2012 at 3:19 PM

    I can relate because the last therapist I visited (back in 2010) did some of these things.

    After six sessions with her, I vowed that I would never return. Why?

    She was rude, condescending, and judgmental. She was a very poor listener. She was insensitive. She was confrontational and aggressive at times. She belittled me.

    She actually told me: “I don’t care about you or your problems. Stop playing the victim”. I suffer from depression and her whole attitude was just hurtful. She seemed to delight in my misery and discomfort. I’ve experienced abuse most of my life, so her behavior was definitely a red flag.

    The only reason I haven’t reported her is because it isn’t worth it. I figure that sooner or later, she will do the same to another client and they will complain.

    Ron Morgan…I agree with you! My former therapist specialized in CBT, which does have its benefits, but wasn’t helpful in my situation.

    She told me only after the third session that she only did cognitive therapy. I also noticed that she disparaged other types of therapy while praising CBT as the solution to every problem.

    And don’t even get me started on her notion that deep breathing techniques would improve my depression.

    How do some of these people get jobs in the mental health field, anyway?

  • Darren Haber, MFT

    February 1st, 2012 at 5:17 PM

    To Courtney, above (#431): I’m sorry to hear that, sounds like really shoddy behavior, especially with something as delicate as bipolar, where medication MUST be delivered timely and correctly. Tough enough to have to deal with bipolar itself without adding the stress of inefficient and (it sounds like) downright rude providers! My suggestion would be to call the patient assistance administrator and report this situation, and don’t pull punches; I would bet that you are not the first to complain about this office. Frankly, if the doctor is not going to help his patients, he shouldn’t be on the panel to begin with. I think sometimes doctors – who, in all fairness, are under a lot of pressure and have to work with some difficult constrictions with insurance companies – sign up for these panels and then are not willing or able (or do not properly train their staff) to treat their patients properly. But this isn’t an excuse; shoddy providers should not be on these panels. I suggest that you call the plan administrator to lodge your complaints and ask that you receive a referral to a doctor who is willing to do the job properly, since your health is at stake. Put everything in writing if you can; I really hope you get referred to a more responsive psychiatrist. You might even consider going to the medical board because you cannot be denied medications for such a serious issue if they have taken you on as a patient (and are getting paid via the pharmaceutical company). Sorry to hear about it; I hope you find someone more willing to do the job right.

    And to Melinda (#441), I am so glad you’re not seeing that therapist anymore. What a jerk (that’s a clinical term). CBT is one way of describing what she does; “abuse” is another. I remember a very wise psych. professor telling me, as I was graduating, “Remember, there are two kinds of people in this field – those who truly want to help others and deal with their own stuff and grow as a person, and those who want to AVOID their own stuff and PRETEND they’re helping others”. Not really a mystery which category your (ex) therapist is in. You sound very intuitive and insightful; I hope you are able to find someone more flexible, personable and, well, human. Perhaps you could look via goodtherapy.org. Congratulations on having the strength to “kick her to the curb” and move on. Good luck to you and please don’t give up.

  • Sue

    February 3rd, 2012 at 11:48 AM

    I think therapists can be so wrapped in theory they start to believe that our conditioning as social beings somehow is magically different in the consulting room.

    Didacticism, condescension, zingers and playground taunting are no different in a professional context. Even in this thread, therapists have gotten defensive (or in one case, furious) at the smallest threat to the hierarchy. Subtext is more telling than the pretense.

  • Sue

    February 4th, 2012 at 4:20 AM

    “I remember a very wise psych. professor telling me, as I was graduating, “Remember, there are two kinds of people in this field”…

    Darren, frankly I don’t find this advice wise. By dichotomizing, the good and the bad professionals, an “us” vs. “them” mentality, it could imply a comfort or smugness that a practitioner can be safely on dry land in the former camp.

    In truth, professionals have the same “stuff” as consumers, and every moment of consultation they might be helping, or might be pressing their own agenda. There’s never a grand dividing line between “us” and “them.” It’s a lifetime endeavor.

    To my knowledge, this thread might be the richest (albeit random) resource on the internet covering iatrogenesis. Save few mostly out-of-print books, I’ve found little talkback to profession from consumers.

    Yet professionals seem to enter this thread with incuriosity. Instead they assume their professorial/counseling postures and tones. It’s almost as if…a hierarchy is being reinforced. It’s ashamed the professionals don’t seem to use this opportunity to learn from us.

  • Kelly P. Crossing, LPC

    February 5th, 2012 at 7:25 AM

    I have learned a great deal from reading this blog–both for myself and for my professional development as a therapist. I have actually utilized what I’ve learned here while working with clients so that I can better understand their needs and perspectives. I agree with Sue that there is tremendous richness in this forum with the many stories people have shared about their negative experiences with unprofessional therapists.

    I am frequently appalled and saddened at the lack of professionalism, empathy, and even the “moral compass” of some of the therapists described in the heartwrenching stories here. As a therapist, I think we can all learn from these posts–and I hope that we do.

    But I truly see no hierarchy of reinforcement or “conspiracy” as Sue does. Along with the negative examples from the individuals’ perspectives here, I see the therapists who post trying to offer help or guidance and trying to explain what a professional therapist might do instead in the context of the posts. I have tried to do that myself. And I’m not sure how doing either of these is exhibiting a lack of curiosity or assuming a “professorial/counseling posture [or] tone.”

    As Sue posted, it is absolutely true that “professionals have the same ‘stuff’ as consumers.” That is of course because we are all human–and no amount of education in any field changes that.

    What this means is that there are (sadly) good, ethical, professional therapists and bad, unethical, unprofessional therapists. The same can be said of doctors, lawyers, teachers, accountants, police officers, students, and the millions of other professions/roles that exist. And the distinctions are certainly not black and white in any of them. There is a always continuum, where individuals may fall at any point along the line.

    Just as this blog is a great place for people to recount their very difficult experiences with therapy and learn from/support each other, I hope it is also a place where therapists are able to read, learn, and/or post something that might be helpful for all of us–individuals and therapists alike. This, to me anyway, seems to be one of the primary points of the blog. That’s why I keep coming back. :-)

  • Matt

    February 5th, 2012 at 8:27 AM

    I grew up with both ADHD and Bipolar Disorder and I have had excellent psychologists in the past but none live in the area. Note: I am a psychology undergrad with the goal of going on to get a Master’s in Clinical Psychology and to become a drug and alcohol counselor and I have always had excellent experiences with psychologist. If they have made judgements that were off base, they were polite and apologetic about it.

    However, as an adult, I have been referred to therapists that were Licensed Clinical Social Workers and I personally think while their training may suffice to be a “therapist”, most of them don’t believe anything I say, once I sign a release, they will smile in my face and later call my psychiatrist claiming I need more medication or group therapies and I have never made it longer than 2-3 sessions with any of them. They seem forceful and inflexible. I am going to be a substance abuse counselor and while I am also going for a Master’s, I will have two different types of ethical codes to follow. Is it possible that the old days of Eugenics is still somehow influencing todays social work profession?? Being called a danger to yourself based on a Social Worker’s call and placed on a 72 hour observation is embarrassing when everyone from the police ride there to the intake is embarrassing.

  • Sue

    February 5th, 2012 at 11:58 AM

    While I appreciated most of Kelly’s post, I confess,I deliberately was trying to provoke her and in one moment she seems to have taken the bait. One sentence is an interesting window into a therapist/consumer dynamic:

    “But I truly see no hierarchy of reinforcement or “conspiracy” as Sue does.”

    This is quite a diagnostic leap to characterize me as one who sees…conspiracies. It’s not a flattering label, implying perhaps, one not tethered to reality.

    Her leap and labeling –she-sees-conspiracies–is an illustrative tactic. It appears diminishing, perhaps to invalidate me in this discussion. It communicates an authoritarian tone– a privilege to apply derogatory labels to the others.

    We’re all on a thread, swimming around the internet. No one is anyone else’s therapist. The professionals enter this discussion with an authoritative, sometimes directive stance, presuming it their role. When in fact, they have as much to learn from us as we…maybe or maybe not…have to learn from them.

    The enforcement of social hierarchy is powerful and unconscious. Therapists are trained to play an “authority” role. I was intentionally provocative to illustrate the subtle ways therapists might enforce their role as the expert, the reality-teller.

    If the client questions the therapist, a threatened therapist will invalidate the client. This is how the damage begins.

    There is no conspiracy involved. We create rank with one another in subtle ways, in word choices and tones. This is our human “stuff.” This is what happens on the playground, at the dinner table and in the workplace. And it happens between clients and therapists.

  • margarets

    February 6th, 2012 at 8:12 AM

    Kelly wrote:

    “As Sue posted, it is absolutely true that “professionals have the same ‘stuff’ as consumers.” That is of course because we are all human–and no amount of education in any field changes that.”

    That’s fine, but that’s not how the therapy industry presents itself. Therapy marketing makes some bold claims about its ability to heal trauma and resolve emotional difficulties. Therapists present themselves as having specialized training and knowledge and experience, not just the run-of-the-mill coping skills that most human beings have. That is supposed to be the whole point of seeing a therapist – to access the special skills and knowledge.

    So to now find, buried in the comments on a blog post, an admission that therapists are just-human-like-everyone-else just confirms my belief that the whole thing is a scam.

    If therapists are just-human-like-everyone-else, let them say THAT in their marketing. At least then clients won’t be bait-and-switched. Client expectations will be more realistic.

    Of course that probably also mean fewer clients coming through the door and therefore lower revenues, so I don’t see it happening anytime soon.

  • Sue

    February 6th, 2012 at 2:35 PM

    Some therapy websites look like veritable infomercials promising or implying a richer life. There are harp sound tracks, paths through meadows and outstretched arms on the beach.

    The mere set-up of therapy feeds the delusion of an audience with the seer. Access is controlled and limited. The supplicant is directed to spill her darkest moments, while the therapist often sits in silence or visibly scribbling observations. The therapist never breaks from an authoritative demeanor when, in reality. he’s glimpsed only the tiniest sliver of the client’s life. This theatricality contributes to a misleading aura.

    We can return to real life as another reference point about “stuff.” Take two friends. One always talks about her problems; the other friend encourages this, never talks about her problems and enjoys playing adviser. The issues with this set-up, I think, are obvious.

  • Mary S

    February 6th, 2012 at 6:21 PM

    Some thoughts on the “bad apples” discussion between Kelly, Margarets, and Sue:

    First, I find it helpful to compare and contrast therapists and teachers.

    Comparing: Most of us have experienced enough teachers to know that some are very good, some are very poor, and most are somewhere in between. What’s more, the ones in between may be good for some students and poor for others, or good with some classes and poor with others. Similarly, it makes sense that therapists will range from the very good to the very poor, and the ones in between may be good for some clients and poor with others, or good with some problems and poor with others.

    Contrasting: When I was in elementary school, I had one very poor – indeed, unfit – teacher. For example, she would tell a student to do something, then a couple of minutes later scold the student for doing what the teacher had asked. But some of the students told their parents, and some of those parents told the principal. The teacher was replaced very quickly. In other words, there was a safety net. One part of the safety net was that there were witnesses to the teacher’s behavior. Another part was that there were easily accessible, easily used lines of authority (child to parent and parent to principal). A third was that there were common community standards for what was acceptable and unacceptable teacher behavior. This safety net helps weed out the “bad apples” in the teaching profession.
    Therapy has none of those three elements. There are usually no witnesses to the therapist’s behavior. Although there are agencies to which one can file a complaint against a therapist, they are hard to find, and the procedure is far from user-friendly for the client. And, with so many therapy “theoretical orientations,” there are few commonly held standards even within the therapy professions. In other words, the “safety net” to weed out the bad apples in therapy is nowhere near adequate. So most of the bad apples remain.

    The “bad apple” adage I remember goes something like, “One bad apple spoils the whole barrel.” I think this is too extreme to apply to the therapy context, but a weaker version does seem to fit: “A few bad apples spoil some more apples, and may tarnish the reputation of the whole profession.” One way in which the bad apples can influence others in the profession came up in a discussion last September on the website “Bad Therapy? A Disgruntled Ex-Psychotherapy Client Speaks Her Piece.” Three of us came up with four examples of therapists who had engaged in very questionable practices but served on ethics committees, grievance committees, or taught courses in professional ethics. Another way that bad apples may spoil more apples is that therapists who engage in questionable practices may be teachers or trainers of therapists. (Indeed, one therapist I had who didn’t practice informed consent at all was a trainer at the time I was seeing her.)

    So, what can be done to improve the situation? Here are some possibilities that come to mind based on the incident of my unfit teacher. First, to provide some sort of “witness”, therapists could record all sessions, with the recording belonging to the client. Second, to provide more accessible lines of recourse, ombuds services could be provided for therapy clients – and therapists could be required to use and to make new clients aware of the service. Third, “Signs of questionable therapy” such as at the beginning of this website could be distributed to new clients, to help create common community standards for what is and is not acceptable in therapy. But these efforts would need to be profession-wide, not just limited to a few therapists. Still, if some therapists implement them, that would be a start. And I’d love to see insurance companies requiring these practices for therapists on their lists of providers.

    But efforts also need to be made to clean up the ethics committees.

  • margarets

    February 7th, 2012 at 7:54 AM

    Excellent post Mary S!

    I’d add this to the list of improvements: ALL complaints (and the following decisions) to ethics committees be posted on the committee’s website. (Names etc, can be removed to protect privacy.) That will give the public and therapists a clearer picture of the nature and number of issues arising in therapy and the *real* standards that ethics committees actually enforce.

  • Sue

    February 7th, 2012 at 10:44 AM

    Great posts, Mary and Margaret. I love the idea of both recording and posting redacted grievances publicly.

    From comparing notes with others who’ve filed grievances, the process is broken for most of us unless we can serve up a clear-cut documented violation.

    I’m struck how little literature I see about harmful therapy and even less from the consumer standpoint about how to process what just happened.

    For curious researchers, there is a trove of cases files with licensing boards nationwide how about therapeutic rifts. I can’t find any studies. Consumers rarely seem to be given credence. Therapists win these cases using their professional authority to label and discredit complaining clients.

  • Bomb

    February 8th, 2012 at 7:15 AM

    As a teenager I was diagnosed with schizophrenia and prescribed anti-psychotics by a therapist I’d never even met. After I refused to take them and eventually met with him he back tracked and said I only had a schizophreneform disorder. He provided no reasons as to how he came to that conclusion, saying I denied having any hallucinations, delusions or paranoia. Then he recommended I be put in a psychiatric hospital. It was terrifying especially as a teenager with no way to refute him or hire anyone else to defend me.

    But that’s the POWER TRIP all of these fake-doctors are on. All therapy is about the therapists needs. To feel important, to feel successful, to feel like a doctor, and to PUNISH people they feel threatened by intellectually or morally.

  • Mary S

    February 8th, 2012 at 9:32 PM

    Bomb,
    I’m so sorry to hear of your experience. I hope that you have at least somewhat recovered from it. Refusing to take anti-psychotics (or antidepressants, or other psychiatric medications) can be a very rational choice — have you read Robert Whitaker’s book Anatomy of an Epidemic? He documents problems with psychiatric medications — in fact, many only have positive effects short term, but negative effects longer term.

  • Sue

    February 9th, 2012 at 11:35 AM

    Bomb, sounds like a nightmare, and I hope you find peace.

    I think of the 1973 “Rosenhan experiment” in which researchers deliberately got themselves admitted to psychiatric hospitals with the task to convince doctors of their wellness. The results were a harsh indictment of psychiatric diagnosis, published in Science magazine.

  • Darren Haber, MFT

    February 11th, 2012 at 2:09 PM

    To Matt, #446: You bring up an interesting point in the different ways that folks in our profession approach the concepts of “helping” and “first, do no harm”. It sounds like you feel you were harmed in encountering a “forceful, inflexible” approach and, even worse, being put on a 72 hour hold. You didn’t say why the LCSW thought this was necessary but I’m sure “embarrassing” is a mild way of describing your experience.

    There is a tendency for those of us mental health providers to (not always, but often) be more directive, especially among LCSW’s, more so than Marriage and Family Therapists – especially since LCSW’s tend (again, not always) to lean more towards a systemic, cognitive-behavioral and/or “case management” school of thought. My own empirical experience tells me this is very much the case, that (again, in very broad terms) those with a social work background tend to view a person’s life in a holistic way viz. the way they are managing and organizing their life externally – i.e. behaviors, activities, work, social life, etc. They will look at how the person is functioning within his or her overall social milieu. (Hence the term social worker.) This overall perspective does often include relationships, but not exclusively.

    MFTs tend, in their training, to look more exclusively at the person’s relationships and the feelings about those relationships, and the degree to which they are creating happiness or difficulties in the person’s life. Relationships – family, romantic, work, friends –are examined for how they are (or are not) influenced by the person’s emotional state, and how those emotions in turn affect relationships. Thus the “marriage/family” part of our title. Also, and this is a critical point, some therapists – and those who do this tend to be MFTs – include the therapeutic relationship itself as part of the process. In other words, some relational-based theories will include the relationship with the therapist as grist for the therapeutic mill, so that reactions, counterreactions and overall patterns can be empathically explored and, if desired, changed by addressing the here-and-now, immediate relational experience between therapist and client.

    There are an invariable number of viewpoints on this, and I’m not arguing for or against either one. It is almost like saying do you prefer jazz or pop music, golf or tennis? We tend to find the style and approach that “fits” us. And I would keep that idea of “fitting” very much in mind when you search for a therapist. Do you feel safe with their viewpoint, their approach, their way of working? Does the therapist understand, or “get” you? Can he or she restate and reflect your feelings in a way that makes you think, “Yes, that’s it exactly!” (If you consistently feel judged or misunderstood, on the other hand, it’s time to keep looking.)

    Theoretically speaking, you might look for someone who works psychodynamically or from an existential/humanistic point of view. The former school looks closely at how current and past relationships has formed one’s personality and perspective, and how the person’s unconscious conflicts might be problematic or creating stress or obstacles to happiness. The existential humanist therapist – and often there are a combination of theories at work – might focus on the philosophical underpinnings of a person’s beliefs, what those organizing belief systems are, how one’s values affect the way one lives, what are the personal, specific meanings of one’s life experiences, and so forth.

    It doesn’t have to be either/or. You might work with a psychiatrist who is more directive in conjunction with a more feeling/relational psychotherapist, for example. I’ll go out on a limb and say I have a hunch you’re looking for a therapist who will explore your issues viz. what they specifically mean to you, what it means to take medication (or not), to struggle with bipolar/ADHD, how this affects your view of yourself and others and how you relate to the world. Of course, if you truly meant to harm yourself or others, I’m glad you were brought to safety, but it sounds like you yourself see events very differently, that they caused you duress and bruises to self-esteem. You might want to seek a therapist who comes from the schools I just mentioned.

    Again, I’m not for or against any particular approach. I know social workers who do superb work, who have philosophies quite different from mine. (We have spirited debates about this all the time.) I do believe that the principle of “do no harm” is the bedrock of our profession, and without that we fall into egotism, lack of empathy and injury to those we purport to help.

  • Kelly P. Crossing, LPC

    February 12th, 2012 at 9:34 AM

    Hi Matt,
    It sounds like you have had some truly harrowing experiences! I am so sorry your more recent contacts with the mental health profession have been so terrible.

    Following this blog has been so helpful for me, but also diffuclt because of the unprofessionalism of some of my colleagues in posts like yours and others. (I think Mary S’s above post –#450–does a great job of providng some guidance and insight for all of us on this point).

    As for the training of social workers, I have little to no experience or foundation to be able to respond with anything helpful. I was trained as a counselor in a counselor education program. What I do know about the many paths that lead to therapist licensure or certification is that they are indeed quite diverse.

    While I think there must be some crossover, each specific field (counseling, marriage and family therapy, social work, psychology, etc.) comes with a unique perspective–thus paving the way for the variance in philosophy. Rather than a negative, though, this is one of the great strengths of the profession because it allows for the varying needs of the clients we serve. When one therapist and/or mode of therapy is not working, clients have many options or choices to find something different. And it is incumbent upon therapists to help clients understand this and to refer them to other prefessionals who might better meet their needs.

    For you, Matt, I am humbled (and honored) that despite your negative experiences, you are pursuing a career in this field. Like so many of us who go into the “helping profession” as it’s often called, we do so because of past experiences–both positive and negative. And usually because we want to help, make things better, or make a difference.

    I applaud your interest and pursuit of working with people dealing with substance issues! This is a population in such great need. I have seen so many people whose lives have been devastated due to these issues. I wish you all the best on your journey. :-)

  • Dulcinea

    February 12th, 2012 at 6:43 PM

    This list appears fairly complete. I encountered about 12 of these with the only therapist I have seen. I saw this person for a little over a year. If I had not been so vulnerable at the time, I would have stopped seeing this person a lot sooner. One BIG ONE you are missing on the list is a therapist that shows a lot more concern with payment than with your therapy. The first time I saw this person he spent a lot of time telling how he was supposed to get paid by the insurance company and what my responsibilities were if at some point there was no insurance. I assured this person that I had good coverage and even if the insurance company terminated payments I was financially stable enough to continue payments on my own for while. Even after this thorough conversation, he brought up the issue of payment again during the next few sessions. Eventually when my insurance ran out, we agreed on a healthy/competitive amount of money per session. At the time, I had no problem paying as I was working. However, later on I lost my job. I made this person aware that I had lost my job and he never made any comments about modifying my payments, even though initially he had passingly mentioned that sometimes he had a sliding scale depending on the person’s financial status.

    I went to “therapy” for a few more sessions and then quit. No matter how confused I may have been at time, it was very evident that I was only there to provide a paycheck.

    Oh, by the way, of the list of at least 12 items that I could pinpoint, the ones that bothered the most were that 1) he never empathized even when it would have been appropriate and 2) He would not talk and provide feedback even when I told him that this is what I preferred.

  • Bill

    February 14th, 2012 at 12:11 AM

    What does it mean when the therapist says “you bring me too many problems?” (to a person with avoidant personality disorder/general anxiety disorder/ major depression or atypical depression, who has been in therapy for over 16 years with no response to meds except klonopin)

  • MS. PERRY

    February 14th, 2012 at 5:38 PM

    I recently had a Psych Eval for the purpose of adoption and the T F questionere was not done during the apointment so she let me take it home and fill it out and told me to send iy in with the payment as it was not covered by my insurance. I am glad that she did let me do this but I wonder it this is common practice for these tests for adoption?

  • Mary S

    February 15th, 2012 at 8:57 PM

    Darren,
    I’d appreciate it if you could give some clarification on a couple of points in your post #456 (replying to Matt). They are both in the fourth paragraph.

    1. You said, “We tend to find the style and approach that “fits” us.”
    Does the “us” refer to therapists or clients?

    2. You continued, “And I would keep that idea of “fitting” very much in mind when you search for a therapist. Do you feel safe with their viewpoint, their approach, their way of working? Does the therapist understand, or “get” you? Can he or she restate and reflect your feelings in a way that makes you think, “Yes, that’s it exactly!” (If you consistently feel judged or misunderstood, on the other hand, it’s time to keep looking.)”
    Does the “you” here refer just to Matt, or to clients in general?

    Thanks in advance.

  • Darren Haber, MFT

    February 16th, 2012 at 11:06 PM

    Hi Mary. Actually I meant “you” specifically, Mary S. (I kid.) I was writing from the point of view of the client, so “we” meaning the global we, humankind, at least those who are seeking a therapist. And yes, “you” would mean Matt. Good things to keep one’s pronouns in order! Thanks for posting. Darren.

  • Darren Haber, MFT

    February 16th, 2012 at 11:14 PM

    To Bill, #459. Boy that’s a humdinger of a statement to hear, isn’t it. I’m not sure if you’re referring to yourself as the client or someone you know; also I’m curious as to the context in which that comment was made. On the face of it, it sounds appalling and terribly insensitive and, in fact, something that should never be said to a client. No one “brings” any therapist any “problems” so I’m not really sure what that is supposed to mean. Finally, it is quite common that a person will have traits of various disorders — in fact, we all sometimes have depression, anxiety, hypomania, etc. Such traits can become disorder-ly when they perseverate (i.e. persist) and begin to disrupt one’s functioning (eating, working, sleeping, socializing); I think we therapists have to be careful with labels. I’ve actually met very few clients who are “purely” depressive or bipolar or have 100% “pure” personality disorders. Very often you will see clients with traits of various disorders, and anyway the diagnoses for these personality disorders are usually not helpful and can even be used disparagingly by practitioners who — in my perhaps un-humble opinion — don’t really know what they’re doing and probably should have gone into another profession. Sometimes a psychiatrist or therapist makes an educated guess as to a disorder and, in the long run, those symptoms change or “morph” into something else. Bottom line is, I really can’t think of any good reason why a therapist would say such a thing. Even if it was supposed to be funny, it’s a pretty callous joke. What it means is that it’s time to seek out a different therapist. Thank you for writing. Darren.

  • Darren Haber, MFT

    February 16th, 2012 at 11:20 PM

    Finally — I’m on a roll today, folks — to Mary on Feb 6, I appreciate what you said. I personally see therapists as very different from doctors in that they are guides to one’s internal truth but are not ultimate “authorities” as to what a person should or MUST do (except in extreme cases like self-harm or legal obligations). In fact the therapist is a catalyst to self-discovery and the slow, subtle shaping of one’s own true perceptions and feelings — the more authoritative a therapist starts to sound, the more my skepticism rises. Who could presume to know better than the client’s own underlying truths? Usually when me or a client stumbles upon a truth in session, we BOTH feel it simultaneously, or s/he tells me what is being perceived and it resonates. In other words, it’s a collaboration, not a matter of following a prescription (again, except in crises). In fact, it’s usually a person’s having to follow an unloving emotional “authority” that created the neurosis in the first place!

  • Sue

    February 17th, 2012 at 11:57 AM

    Bill, in my experience, when a professional disparages someone who seeks his help, he’s actually saying that HE is not up to the task. But rather than admitting this, he flips it as a put-down. I would find it hurtful.

    I think one of the most unfortunate contributions of the psychology industry is how persons are so often “labeled.” It’s like human beings, with all our complexities can somehow be stamped by someone else as flawed, when we’re all flawed, often fearful, have great moments of sadness, miscommunication, failures, deficiencies, isolation and self-doubts.

    The therapists sitting before you has exactly these same traits, and yet this isn’t revealed because of the role play and unequal disclosure between the two of you. Therapists often present themselves with great authority, but this is merely the stagecraft of the profession.

    I helped myself most in unraveling the “labeling” of myself as a therapy “patient.” When I looked at my life, my quirks, faults and struggles outside the artificial therapy-speak continuum, it brought me more freedom than all the so-called treatment I received at the hands of therapists.

  • Darren Haber, MFT

    February 17th, 2012 at 11:02 PM

    Hi Sue, I enjoyed your comments above. I would only add — since no one asked — that anytime you are talking about therapy and “great authority” and “stagecraft”, you are talking about a therapist who is too distant relationally from the client. I think it’s a terrible mistake for a therapist to try and hide his/her flaws; the client is going to see them anyway. In fact, discussing those flaws humbly, and how they may help (or sometimes get in the way) of the process can be extremely productive between the ther. and clt. A client who can see her therapist is human, willing to talk about it and even “own” the impact her flaws or mistakes have on the process can be quite healing, if handled sensitively.

  • Mary S

    February 18th, 2012 at 10:25 PM

    Darren,
    Re #642 — Thanks for the clarification.
    Re #466 — Sounds like you mean Sue, not me

  • Kelly P. Crossing, LPC

    February 20th, 2012 at 5:32 AM

    Darren makes some great points! I know my own personal therapy experiences as well as the sessions I have had with many clients over the years have been made much better by simply acknowledging that we are all human–with the requisite “good points” and “flaws” that all humans have.

    I know therapists as well as other professions are often held to a higher standard–which I think is actually okay–because of the inherent nature of what we do. But this higher standard cannot nor should not mean we must be perfect in everything we do professionally. Acknowledging areas of weakness, limited experience or training, or even limited understanding with a client allows us to be authentic and genuine while helping the client to make informed decisions about their care.

    I would hope all therapists feel the same way, though it is clear from reading this blog that sadly this is not the case. This is one of the primary areas where I think those of us following this blog can learn from one another. :-)

  • Sue

    February 20th, 2012 at 10:39 AM

    I don’t see a higher standard for therapists as much as stagecraft that encourages the client’s passivity, regression and over-idealization.

    I also think the removed, pseudo-scientific nature of psychotherapy training might encourage a condescension that is transmitted in the interaction. The client always remains one-down in the relationship.

  • Kelly P. Crossing, LPC

    February 21st, 2012 at 7:49 PM

    For Sue (and many others) . . . I am so sorry that your experiences with therapy have been so terrible. But I am also glad to know that many others have found/find it to be helpful and very positive.

    I so appreciate learning from everyone’s stories here . . . thank you for being so open and honest!

  • Sue

    February 22nd, 2012 at 10:46 AM

    I wonder if practitioners can ever stop talking to everyone else as if they’re their patients?

  • margarets

    February 23rd, 2012 at 9:30 AM

    “But this higher standard cannot nor should not mean we must be perfect in everything we do professionally. Acknowledging areas of weakness, limited experience or training, or even limited understanding with a client allows us to be authentic and genuine while helping the client to make informed decisions about their care.”

    Kelly, could you post here the website of ONE therapist who acknowledges their weaknesses or limitations in any of their marketing materials?

  • Su Su Maung

    February 24th, 2012 at 1:09 AM

    I just wanted to respond to a few things I’ve read. I’m a Marriage and Family Therapist Intern (which means I’m not licensed yet though I’m pretty close to it…just need to take my licensing exams).

    To the question about LCSW vs Psychologist, it seems like people are not aware about MFTs. Given that MFTs are not as universal as LCSW and Psychologist across the country, I can see how it might have gotten missed. But in any case, MFTs (which is usually an MA or MS in psychology) is quite equivalent to LCSW in my opinion. Of course, there are distinctions but in California, MFTs require 3000 hours of supervised experience, and most of it has to be clinical (i.e. counseling/therapy hours). I believe there is less requirement by LCSW to have the clinical part compared to MFT. Which means technically, MFT has more training in therapy. That makes sense, since the focus of the degree and profession is on doing therapy, while social work profession also include doing..well, social work. We need to take 2 exams,like LCSW, before we can be licensed.

    About the releasing of clinical records and notes to clients, yes, clients do have right to see their notes, but the records are actually the property of the therapist (I’m studying for my licensing exams so this legal issue is still fresh in my mind), so the therapist can have the right to say what they can do with the charts, to let client see or not. If the therapist feels that it would be detrimental to client to see their chart, then therapist can choose not to disclose it to client. Since the chart might include notes that are diagnostic, and clinical, and if client isn’t ready to deal with some of the reality of this information, it might not be helpful, and in fact, harmful for client to read it without the professional/clinical understanding of what it all means.

    About the mistrust of therapists and their intentions in general, I want to say that, yes, even though there are some therapists out there that are clearly not professional and ethical, I think most therapists do have good intentions and are in the field to help. Even though it might seem like a huge sum to pay, if you think about it, doctors and psychiatrists and any other profession (accountants, lawyers, etc.) all ask for a lot of money for their services. Why should therapist be expected to pay any less for professional service, just because we are being helpers. As with doing any business, there are overhead costs and the years of training and education that’s required to get into the field demands that the fee be this much. Otherwise, it’s not feasible for us to provide this service.

    Another issue with the trust of therapist is that even if therapist is just human with own stuff to deal with. Many therapist actually go for their own therapy to work through their own stuff, knowing that it’s important to be able to do it. And if they don’t, most if not all, actually do have consultation from peers or supervisors to help them deal with stuff as it comes up for them. So it’s not like the therapist is unchecked in their field.

    The usefulness of therapy is that you have another person who is objective that can provide a reflection and a wider perspective of what’s going on, versus when you are in the difficulties, you get stuck in that experience and can’t take a step back at times to cope or figure out what’s going on. The therapist is also trained to do this observation and to listen for what’s being said. Also to provide validation and empathy, which is hard to do on your own. Therapists are trained to make assessments and have learned about various mental disorders, and the patterns of human behaviors and relationships, etc. These are the things that a person without training might not be knowledgeable about. Because of the fact that the therapist has more knowledge of this, i.e of human psychology, and of being in a position to observe from a second person point of view, of course, it makes sense that there would be a one-up position. But that doesn’t mean it’s an abusive one-up stance. It can still be respectful and empathetic even though the relationship is not completely equal in that sense of position, though I think and do believe it should be equal in sense of respect and honoring of the client. Look at teachers, doctors, lawyers, etc. they all have one-up stance when it comes to their profession because they are skilled and trained and knowledgeable about those areas. Why should a therapist who is trained in human and social psychology be any different? I’m just responding to some posts that ask why even go for therapy or ones that claim therapists act as if they are one-up.

    I know my clients have felt helped by me (because they tell me so and I always check in with them about it, and if I notice they are ambivalent about how helpful therapy is, I always bring it up even if they don’t bring it up). I see the changes clients have made. I know that the clients that best benefited from therapy are ones that are willing to do the work. Therapy is a lot of work. Both by the therapist and the client. You can’t expect to just go in and have a miracle happen where all your difficulties are resolved without doing the work. Therapists are not magicians. Even medications (which act faster) have side effects. The client has to be willing to go through the effort and pain of working through problems, just as much as the therapist has to be willing to take on the task of being caring, diligent, and responsible for another person’s well being.

  • margarets

    February 24th, 2012 at 9:24 AM

    Su Su Maung, please be aware that this blog (and this thread in particular) is read by people all over the world, not just Americans, so therefore some or all of your remarks about licensing and legalities are likely to be incorrect for other jurisdictions.

    As for therapists going to their supervisors for their own “stuff”, it would be easy for a therapist to withhold unpalatable “stuff” from the supervisor if they so chose. It’s not even in the ballpark of a foolproof system. We know that some therapists have sex with their clients. It seems extremely unlikely that they volunteer that info to their supervisors.

    As for therapists being “more knowledgeable” about human psychology etc, sorry, but the evidence doesn’t support that. In fact, studies have shown that many therapists pretty much chuck their training out the window when they start in private practice, many make no effort whatsoever to keep up with research, and instead rely on their own “eclectic” and “spontaneous” methods. I.e. they make it up as they go along. (The blog “Therapy is a con” has some links to this research.) Also, very little is truly known about the human mind in general. Some post-grad training hardly makes one an expert on how someone else should figure out their life’s troubles.

    Your last paragraph does that thing we’ve seen so often on this comment thread – put the onus on the client to make therapy work. Client’s “can’t expect miracles”. What client ever said they expected a miracle? Only therapists trot out that old canard.

  • Sue

    February 24th, 2012 at 10:34 AM

    There’s a dismissal I’ve seen repeatedly when therapists counter consumer criticism. It’s the apparent implication that therapy has failed because the clients just haven’t “done the work.” Let’s not forget the other common armament: …”clients don’t want to change.”

    Yes, I’ve heard this accusation. Many times.

    I don’t buy that authority in the therapy relationship parallels that of a legal consultation. A visit to a lawyer concerns a concrete issue. I understand the legal profession offers much more uniform training than that of psychotherapy. In therapy, the consultation concerns this murky thing called life. The practitioner gets his information from the client’s reporting and observations via an artificial relationship an hour a week.

    Social dominance is complex and subtle, requiring exploration far beyond a thread like this.

    Several consumers here have raised what we hope to be thoughtful questions about therapy around issues of power, expectations and outcomes of dependency and victimization. I’ve seen these issues raised by a handful of thoughtful authors like Tana Dineen and David Smail.

    Yet practitioner responses seem to be incurious defenses, and of course the boilerplate, well-they-have-to-do-the-work.

    Clients do often expect miracles –but half of the equation is because that’s what practitioners and the profession in general has implied or promised.

  • Maggie

    February 24th, 2012 at 11:19 PM

    or when a counselor cuts your 50 minute session to 37 minutes and then gets rude when I confront her about it. She also jokingly called me a wimp. I do like to joke, but that went too far.

  • Darren Haber, MFT

    February 26th, 2012 at 11:01 PM

    Hi all, Maggie (#476) I agree, that is inexcusable. Hope you’re not seeing her anymore.

    Also wanted to address “Anonymous” comments #400 and 401 above. I found those blog posts heartbreaking. This is the sort of stuff that gives us therapists a real black eye, and “Anonymous” I applaud you on the strength it takes to stay away from him, even though it’s a struggle. I hope you report this person because he has gone so far over the line. “Power trip” is putting it mildly; a therapist should NEVER have done so many of the things this quack has done. His financial and emotional mistreatment of you when you were in such a vulnerable position must have been terrible. The only silver lining I can think of is that you are away from this person and have the chance to find someone better. It just astonishes me that therapists do this sort of thing. No excuse. “Do no harm” MUST be our first principle, or whatever follows is worthless.

    Also to Marc P, #429, I think it’s time you at least consulted with another person because your therapist should not be saying things like that (i.e. “it’s for people who need it”). You can look for someone with a specialty in trauma, have a “tryout” session, and compare your experiences. If you feel you are not getting helped presently, please address it with your current therapist as soon as possible. If she gets defensive or puts any of it on you, it’s time to quit and find someone else. Any therapist worth her salt will welcome and praise any feedback, good bad or ugly. As for PTSD: EMDR, somatic experiencing, “exposure” therapy (a form of cognitive behavioral therapy) are some of the methods commonly used to treat trauma. PTSD is not something to take lightly, as I’m sure you are aware. Ultimately you are the expert on your treatment’s effectiveness, and you are the customer. If you have put some time into therapy and feel like it’s not going anywhere, I recommend at least talking with another person to see if it feels like a better fit. I hope you find relief from your symptoms, which I’m sure are painful. Best of luck to you in the days ahead.

  • Sue

    February 27th, 2012 at 11:50 AM

    Darren, I know practitioners advise addressing therapists if they feel therapy is unhelpful or destructive. However, some of us encountered anything but the “ideal”…therapists ill-equipped to handle criticism.

    If the consumer’s attempt fails, she can further escalate her therapist’s control and rage. Some therapists even manipulate their clients as captives to destructive treatment.

    Therapists anger/control response might be more common than you think. Look at this thread, including that classic “unstable” rant #187 and the more subtle comments since.

    I’m still grinning at “I see no…conspiracy as Sue does.” However, in the consulting room, that inaccurate label could have been damaging to an idealizing client. Think of a therapist then attempting to treat this client who sees “conspiracy” when that assessment emerged (apparently) from the therapist’s needs to discredit client feedback.

    Though we hope the majority of therapists aren’t like the maniacal bullies reported here, consumers can have quite a process mentally “resizing” these fiends. Some of us found that coupling ourselves to yet another authority figure –if we indeed saw therapist that way–marched us further backwards.

    Can anyone point to any literature that attempts to understand the harmful therapy and recovery? I’m both asking the question both for the information and to probe–is this a subject that sends the profession into retreat?

  • Sue

    February 27th, 2012 at 12:50 PM

    Whoops…I meant I know practitioners advise CLIENTS to address therapists if CLIENTS feel therapy is unhelpful or destructive.

  • margarets

    February 28th, 2012 at 8:26 AM

    Darren, Su Su, et al: Could you respond to my posts? I think I’ve raised some good points worthy of discussion, but they are mostly ignored by the therapists on this thread. Why is that? A little healthy debate never hurts.

  • Su Su Maung

    October 4th, 2012 at 1:30 AM

    Hi margarets, I stumbled upon this blog when I posted my previous post and so I never came back to it. And here I am months later stumbling back. Anyway, so it’s not that I ignored these comments, but just I didn’t know at all that there was any response to my previous post.

    That said, I don’t know what kind of therapists the commentors here have seen, and from the posts, it seem like not very good ones. There is usually a consumer organization in every state and a licensing regulatory board, as well as professional organization that oversee any misconduct and unethical treatment by therapists. I highly recommend any complaints be reported to them.

    I am sorry to hear such displeasure in the therapy received. When I posted my previous comment, it was to clarify certain aspects of therapy that are often misunderstood, and not to dismiss anybody’s experiences. I cannot say about all therapists out here but I can speak for myself that when I decided to go into this profession, and committed to it, I did it out of desire to help. I take my clients’ well being very seriously and surround myself with consultants, peer support, trainings, etc. to make sure I am doing my best for my clients.I am sure I am not that special or extraordinary of a person, so I will say there are probably many other therapists like me. I know my colleagues I work closely with are caring as well. However I am also aware that there are many therapists out there with dubious trainings and qualifications. Any therapist that is not willing to hear your complaints and criticism, and is not willing to work through with you these problems is most likely not a very competent therapist.

    I hope you and those who read this comment can be open to the idea that not all therapists are bad and incompetent. Please don’t let a handful of bad eggs get in the way of getting help and support you need. I find that reaching out and trusting someone is such a hard thing to do, and being treated badly when you actually took that courage to seek help can feel like a betrayal. But I also believe that therapy can be very helpful when provided by the right person and done in correct manner, and that every person’s emotional, mental, personal well being is so valuable that any problems around them should get the care that is needed. Nobody deserves any less.

    One tip I can suggest is to get referral for a therapist through a trusted source, such as friends, your primary care doctor, or any other person you know you can trust them to care about your well being. Sometimes getting it from a random directory or internet search isn’t the best route because though directories screen out unqualified therapists, i.e. those that legally can’t perform the work, they can’t attest to the competency, i.e. how helpful the therapist is.

    I hope that clarifies some things. Again, I’m not a regular at this blog so I might not be able to respond if anybody reply to this comment, but maybe when I happen to stumble upon again, I’ll check to see.

  • Louise

    March 4th, 2012 at 4:54 AM

    Can you please add;

    Therapist encourages lying to their wife
    and;
    Therapist encourages the use of prostitutes or anyone to have sex with

    Jeez, i’ve heard it all now!

  • Darren Haber, MFT

    March 4th, 2012 at 10:48 PM

    I was looking at post #324 above and felt very sympathetic to the writer. I think it’s very important for clients to speak to their therapist about uncomfortable feelings sooner r/t later. In fact it is my belief that not only should therapists worth their salt be able to “handle” any type of feedback but should encourage this, and that in fact looking honestly at the totality of experience in the therapy — positive or negative and all that’s in between — is in many ways the “heart” of the therapy.

    This is esp. true when it comes to admitting mistakes. It’s foolish to think that we therapists, being human, are never going to make a mistake; the point is not IF a mistake is made by the ther. but rather how it is handled. Should one’s therapist say something that is hurtful or awkward or anxious-making, etc., it should be mentioned. Of course, clients naturally may see their therapist as an “authority” (and may have parental type projections, naturally enough), so speaking up is much easier said than done — as Sylvia in this post makes clear.

    If one has a negative experience and does not process it, then one is left “holding” all of these very difficult and painful feelings. I would encourage the writer in this case to definitely email the therapist and “let it rip”. I myself have received some feedback that wasn’t always easy to hear, but was invaluable in helping me grow as a clinician, and most important helped me better help the client. Easier said than done, as I say, but I always encourage emotional honesty from clients, and fully support them in saying what they feel needs to be said for them to feel more comfortable and at ease working with me.

  • Darren Haber, MFT

    March 4th, 2012 at 10:49 PM

    To Margarets, I had a question for you; what would you say are the essential “ingredients” for good therapy — assuming you think such a thing is possible. (I hope so!) Another way of putting it is, what would you ideally want to get from therapy (without getting too specific, of course)?

  • Kelly P. Crossing, LPC

    March 5th, 2012 at 5:58 AM

    To Louise: As much as it certainly sounds like encouraging a client to lie to a spouse and/or to go to a prostitute or other person to have sex is inappropriate . . . understanding the context is critically important.

    Suppose the spouse is physically abusive and making viable threats if the client tries to leave? It may very well be okay (or even necessary) to help the client create an escape plan that includes lying. And even though the situation may not be so dire, therapists can rarely make broad, blanket statements as “can’t encourage lying” to a spouse or anyone else. So much has to be taken into consideration. That being said, I certainly don’t think lying about our needs is the healthiest response in most situations, nor would I encourage a client to lie unless there were a strong therapeutic need to do so.

    As for encouraging a client to find a prostitute or another person to have sex with, again what is the context here? Is the client married? Why is the client in therapy in the first place–is it a sexual or an intimacy issue? What is the client’s belief system? Does the client have any medical or emotional issues that would make sex difficult? What is the client’s emotional state? What about his/her support system?

    I think all of these questions (and many more) would need to be answered, and a strong therapeutic relationship between the client and the therapist would need to be present before any such direct recommendation could be made. But again, a blanket statement about such a complex issue is rarely effective.

    As therapists, we are obligated to focus on what will best meets our clients’ needs–both in the short term and the long term. This is done through getting to know them, building a good therapeutic connection, and developing a plan for care that can evolve with them. While some abolutes are important–such as preventing harm to self or others if at all possible–other absolutes are rarely appropriate.

    Discussing all of these issues with the client as the therapy progresses so that nothing comes out of left field and both the client and the therapist can explore the pros and cons of any action is also important.

  • Sue

    March 5th, 2012 at 10:52 AM

    While both clients and therapists certainly can have parental projections, I think practitioners often don’t understand their own roles in how they assert authority over clients.

    This thread itself contains examples of outright scolding, labeling, veiled rebukes and dismissing topics. The subtexts would be a worthy study.

  • margarets

    March 5th, 2012 at 2:29 PM

    Darren, I asked you (and the other therapists) to reply to the points I have made on this thread. And your response is to ask me what I want out of therapy? That doesn’t make any sense – it’s not related to any of the points I’ve made. What’s up with that?

  • margarets

    March 5th, 2012 at 2:38 PM

    Kelly, I notice you didn’t respond to request for a response to my points.

    Also, I notice that your recent post is wholly about coming up with excuses for the therapist’s behaviour.

    You take two fairly common-sense guidelines (don’t lie to spouse, don’t have sex with prostitutes) and devote your mental energies to coming up with an extreme scenario where the guideline might not apply or dismiss the guideline on the grounds that not enough info has been provided. What info would you need to hear to make it a good idea to have sex with a prostitute?

    Why aren’t you saying “Outside of some extreme cases, no therapist should advise lying or buying sex”?

  • Darren Haber, MFT

    March 6th, 2012 at 1:27 PM

    Hi Margarets: I did not mean to ignore you. I’m not quite sure what kind of feedback you’re looking for. I think it’s too broad or generalized to “have a debate” about therapy or whether it works or not, etc. Also I’m in agreement with your stance, in that I think you do a good job of articulating the pitfalls and harms done by bad therapists, which needs to be taken seriously. Clients are in a very vulnerable position and therapists need to follow the “do no harm” rule no matter what. I can’t even imagine the pain or suffering of those who have been on the receiving end of self-serving, tone-deaf and insensitive therapists. It saddens me to read about it and really bothers those of us who take this seriously and devote our lives to helping others. I’ve had one or two abusive therapists myself and one in particular was very hurtful; took me a while to get over it, and really taught me what NOT do so when I’m in the therapist’s chair. Anyway I appreciate your passion in speaking out against these wrongdoers, and am happy to answer any kind of specific question you may have about therapy or one of your posts you’re seeking feedback on. I guess I would say I’m more interested in having a dialogue rather than a debate; I save the latter for my political websurfing. :)

    Take care, Darren.

  • margarets

    March 6th, 2012 at 2:40 PM

    Darren, you could address this comment from post #451:

    I’d add this to the list of improvements: ALL complaints (and the following decisions) to ethics committees be posted on the committee’s website. (Names etc, can be removed to protect privacy.) That will give the public and therapists a clearer picture of the nature and number of issues arising in therapy and the *real* standards that ethics committees actually enforce.

  • patricia

    March 7th, 2012 at 6:44 AM

    Counselor insists you’ve been ritually abused although you’ve disclosed no specific information that would clearly indicate this but when you ask for a desription of what indicators lead her to believe that, she cannot give you a specific or detailed answer. Says I see this all the time. When you ask how long therapy will take, she says she doesn’t know.

  • Darren Haber, MFT

    March 7th, 2012 at 12:07 PM

    Hi Margarets, thx for your post. I like your idea in terms of making the complaint process more transparent. It sure seems bureaucratic and murky right now, esp with understaffed, underpaid licensing committees.

    When you say “real standards”, however, I’d like clarification on what you mean by “real”– it sounds like you’re saying there is a double standard or that reasonable standards are significantly ignored with no accountability….? (Also, pls remember I am new to this conversation and haven’t read all 489 posts so sorry if you have to repeat yourself)

    I know that in some states you can look up a therapist by name or license # and see if any complaints (or “actions”) have ever been brought against them. Also the Therapist magazine in California publishes names of therapists who have been disciplined (license suspended or revoked) by the state board, and why. But perhaps this isn’t enough to alert the public to harmful therapists since the process can be very bureaucratic and drawn out, and almost “underground”. It’s a very real dilemma for those seeking protection from harmful professionals. Clients are so darn vulnerable when they are looking for help, and there are too many who take advantage for their own ends. Makes me quite sad to say that.

    The only reservation I have about “all complaints” being listed is that there are those — and I am not including those who have posted here — who could abuse the process to bully or manipulate therapists for inappropriate reasons. For instance, I have a colleague who does very conscientious work, who saw an attorney to help him with his drug problem. He stopped seeing her and soon relapsed. When she went to collect the thousands he owed her in unpaid fees, he threatened to sue her and “smear her publicly” if she didn’t back off. (He was a high powered corporate attorney, it seems.) Mind you, he was sober while working with her, so the therapy was effective. To avoid trouble she dropped the case. This is someone who volunteers at battered womens’ shelters and AIDS clinics, and is a really caring therapist. She got treated terribly by a high powered lawyer who knew how to abuse his power.

    So I wonder if there’s a way to filter that type of thing. Perhaps there could be some “filter” or vetting process, but I can understand the frustration expressed here, that too many people in authority abuse their power without consequences. There are too many in the health field — including doctors, I think — who get away with unconscionable behavior.

    It is a very traumatic experience to have one’s “reality” or perspective invalidated because he or she “doesn’t get it” (i.e. doesn’t agree with the therapist, who hurtfully imposes his or her “truth”). Pia Mellody calls this “reality abuse” when one’s perspective is not validated; and young children can literally lose their minds. Heartbreaking that these things go on, and people who are seeking help are hurt so badly. Esp. b/c they probably got hurt enough in the past already. As I say, I’ve had some pretty awful experiences with this myself.

    Finally, perhaps there could also be a website of positive testimonials, so that people who need a good therapist can find the right one; that way you’re not just avoiding something negative but moving towards a healing and restorative experience.

    Thx for the question!

  • Darren Haber, MFT

    March 7th, 2012 at 12:09 PM

    To Patricia, it doesn’t make sense that someone would say you’ve been “ritually abused” without explanation. I would consult with another therapist who specializes in whatever problem you are struggling with, just to have another experience to compare.

  • Bill

    March 8th, 2012 at 5:03 AM

    I would like to add:

    Counselor denies client right to end therapy.
    I know someone who said to therapist that they werent getting anything from the sessions and didn’t want any more. Therapist said I will book you in next week and we will discuss why you think that way.

  • Sue

    March 8th, 2012 at 11:39 AM

    @Bill, I went through exactly that. Therapists can be so indoctrinated to “interpret” everything, they lose the ability for normal comprehension.

    Let me add a couple of more red flags:
    . Counselor has overwhelming compulsion to prevail in a discussion. (Gleaming examples even are evident here on this thread.)
    . Counselor exploits his clients by using case studies as fodder for self-promotional blogs.

  • margarets

    March 8th, 2012 at 2:58 PM

    Darren, thanks for your reply.

    Re: “real” standards, I mean how well a licensing/regulating agency actually enforces its own standards of practice. Agencies often have some discretionary power to just dismiss a complaint, and this will never be made public. Is that power always used appropriately? Because the public doesn’t see ALL the complaints that are filed and how an agency dealt with them, the public doesn’t know what behaviours are just allowed to slide. It’s possible that agencies cherry-pick complaints to show on website in order to present an image of being strong enforcers, when that is really only part of the story. The public needs ALL of the information.

    Please be aware that not only Americans look at this blog and thread, so it is not only American standards that are at issue here. And I expect there is a lot of variety among American states with regard to therapy regulation anyway.

    I recommend you work through all of the comments on this thread because some very insightful remarks have been made here.

    Re: your therapist friend who was threatened with a lawsuit and smear campaign. No complaint or lawsuit was actually filed though, was it? If a complaint had been filed and made public (with identifying details of the client and therapist removed) at least then the public could form its own opinion of the legitmacy of the complaint. No doubt there is a risk of unfair complaints being filed against therapists, but no one knows how many there are. It’s the secrecy I object to.

    Why would you bring up the option of positive testimonials in responding to my comment, which had nothing to do with that? Why mention all this validation/Pia Mellody stuff, which is also irrelevant to my comment?

    This is what I see in your response: a lot of deflection. A quick affirmation that more transparency would be nice and then excuse-making (under-resourced agencies, poor things), a request for more clarification when my original comment already made it clear that agencies withhold info about complaints, then a bad story about a therapist who never actually had a complaint filed against her (but she sure is a nice person!) as if unfounded complaints were the greater danger (to which I say: so what? If they are unfounded, surely the public will see that) and then the irrelevant remarks.

    I get the sense you want to bury my idea of full transparency under a lot of words so that it gets lost in the discussion.

  • Sue

    March 9th, 2012 at 11:21 AM

    Darren, I’m unclear how your besieged colleague could be harmed by a published grievance with both practitioner and client names redacted. Licensing boards only find an infinitesimal fraction of complaints in favor of the consumer. Former clients have credibly discussed outrageous, provable practitioner behavior, yet have lost their cases.

    SuSu rebuked clients for expecting miracles. Isn’t it an important step toward de-mystifying the therapy process if clients could be well aware of dangers of therapy? Don’t you want realistic, educated clients? Additionally the public could finally see the extremely thin layer of protections states and professions provide against unethical therapy.

  • Sissy

    March 9th, 2012 at 11:48 AM

    What about therapist intentionally provoking transference
    Within client? Without the clients knowledge

  • Darren Haber, MFT

    March 9th, 2012 at 2:59 PM

    Hi Sue and Margarets, I think I owe you an apology for my misunderstanding. When you said names redacted (in Margarets’ post 489) for some reason, I thought you meant only clients’ names withheld. I think my confusion is that in California, therapists’ unethical/illegal actions are published in a magazine with their names INCLUDED but with clients’ names withheld. I think I assumed you wanted the same format here, which meant that any complaint would include the therapist’s name and would automatically public. Sorry about that. I think it’s a really fine idea to have some forum where people can share openly about their abusive experiences and have that available so people can read, uncensored, an account of the pitfalls and abuses clients have suffered. Perhaps this very thread allows the opportunity for some of that education to take place.

    I do take issue, however, with some of the comments above that “the whole thing is a scam” and the strong implication that every single therapist in the profession is some kind of con artist out to dupe his clients and make a fast buck. I can understand this perception being created, if one was mis-treated and not allowed to truly bear witness (or felt that one’s experience was not taken seriously, dismissed, etc). However I really don’t see myself that way and I know many colleagues who work very hard to be helpful to those who are suffering. (I also know a few quacks I wouldn’t recommend to anyone.)

    But to say the entire profession is a con and that everyone in that profession is a quack is just too black and white. I don’t think it’s a stretch to say that, in some ways, my life has been saved by some good therapists. It’s also not a stretch to say that one or two should be doing something else, like selling Amway.

    I think saying “all therapists are quacks” is a little like saying all doctors are terrible. Why bother going to the ER if you break a bone. If you cut yourself, might as well bleed to death. Those docs are just going to screw it up anyway.

    And a fractured soul is at least as (if not more) painful than a broken bone.

    Glad I was able to understand your idea more clearly.

  • Darren Haber, MFT

    March 9th, 2012 at 3:00 PM

    Sue, what you describe sounds very hurtful but would need to know a little more. How was transference provoked, and how did it come to the client’s awareness that this was happening? There are so many different kinds of transference that a little more detail, if possible, might help me understand and give better feedback. Thanks.

  • Darren Haber, MFT

    March 9th, 2012 at 3:02 PM

    I meant Sissy in my last post, not Sue, sorry. (I’m zero for 2 today.)

  • Sue

    March 9th, 2012 at 6:28 PM

    Darren, answering only for myself here, though you have conjoined me with Margaret.

    But your wholesale defense of the therapy field feels like deflecting discussion, putting words in my mouth and setting up straw men. If you search, I’ve never used the word quack and employed “scammed” once in connection with a specific instance. (Margaret has made many astute points that have been skipped over. I understood her use of the word scam in a specific context, but she’ll speak for herself here.)

    I’m less concerned with the “bad apples” than pitfalls in mainstream therapy. I’ve tried to offer opinions I’ve also seen covered by such authors as Masson, Zelbergeld, Smail, Dineen and others.

    Just on this thread, I’ve seen examples of therapists needing to prevail, deflecting, twisting words, labeling, subtle recrimination, seeming incuriosity about issues and inability to accept criticism.

    I see large problems with the underlying paradigms of “ethical” therapy. I’m not talking about the kooks or quacks.

    But the seeming defensive reflexes of practitioners are apt illustrations of some points I tried to make. Clinicians are behaving just as I expect. I find this deliciously ironic on this thread topic.

  • margarets

    March 10th, 2012 at 6:54 PM

    ” I think it’s a really fine idea to have some forum where people can share openly about their abusive experiences and have that available so people can read, uncensored, an account of the pitfalls and abuses clients have suffered.”

    That’s not what I’m suggesting. “Some forum” is not going to cut it in terms of showing how strictly licensing or regulating agencies enforce their own standards. That is why ALL the complaints AND the following agency decisions or actions need to be made available to the public. It’s so the public knows how much trust to place in these institutions and what licensing really signifies.

    As for saying therapy is a con, a scam or similar – I hope you know that many writers – trained in psychology, psychotherapy, etc – have said the same thing. Dawes’ book is called “House of Cards”. It doesn’t get much plainer than that.

  • Sue

    March 11th, 2012 at 12:00 AM

    Compelling critiques of therapy were written by practitioners. In addition to authors above, Robert Baker, was former chairman of the University Kentucky psychology department when he wrote the debunking “Mind Games.” I particularly enjoyed Dr. Dorothy Tennov’s 1975 book.

    I don’t see how anyone could pretend to be privy to the lives and emotional workings of all of human kind. Consider therapy will be useless-to-harmful to some people, a scam, no matter who is in the practitioner’s chair.

  • Darren Haber, MFT

    March 11th, 2012 at 9:29 AM

    To Bill, #493. The client is the “customer” and can stop coming any time he/she wants. Sounds like the counselor in this case is the one who needs counseling, as s/he was clearly in denial!

  • James

    March 12th, 2012 at 9:17 AM

    no.51 – Counsellor uses manipulative questioning techniques (learned as part of their training)on an unsuspecting member of their own family (who is not a paying client and has not sought counselling) to elicit personal information which they would not otherwise have divulged. Counsellor then disseminates this informationt to other memebers of the family. THIS ACTUALLY HAPPENED TO ME!

  • Sylvia

    March 14th, 2012 at 8:07 AM

    Hi all,

    I’ve been watching this thread and because Darren wrote something about my post, I’ve decided to respond.

    Darren, emotional honesty from the client is important, no doubt, and the therapist should encourage is, otherwise what’s the point of therapy if you deal with some “vested” or processed emotions?

    The thing is some therapists, although they may consider themselves open to feedback and criticism, simply deny or reject some of the client’s feelings, just completely dismiss it as – in my impression – impossible to happen with them (maybe them deem themselves so extremely open-minded and empathetic that it’s beyond their comprehension that they could be wrong). My ex-therapist, whom I described in the post you mentioned, did sometimes admit she made a mistake – she admitted it when I told her about what had been bothering me about what she’d said, some couple of sessions or more after she said it. So it looked like she was in a way cornered, and those couple of times she said something like “yeah, I probably said something stupid, sorry for that”, always with a smile, kind of downplaying the importance of it, now when I look at it, but OK, she did admit it and it was better than nothing. But when I expressed I was uncomfortable or just simply didn’t agree with what she was saying, as we went along, she did not take a second to think about it, did not think whether she was not actually making a mistake there and then, no, she just went on, either ignoring me completely (just silence when I expressed those feelings either verbally or not) or she criticised it or downplayed it, saying I’m being “yes but” again or hard to satisfy me with whatever she says, or usually she just “counterargued” what I said, and once when I was explaining myself I’d never been so confrontational and became like this in that relationship for reasons I mentioned in the post, she told me “I don’t care whether you were like that before or not, you must stop doing that”. Well, a therapist who doesn’t care and is not afraid to show it – unwittingly setting a benchmark for therapist-client relationships and human relationships in general, that it’s OK not to care, and my reasons, feelings behind it etc. were indeed not worth examining, I was just wrong for doing so, whatever the reason. (If I didn’t do it, it would also be bad, as then I’d be “assuming” the partner thinks like me, I would just take him for granted, not digging deeper into his understanding of things.)

    Expressing your real emotions in therapy is also tricky for other reasons. People go to therapy, because have problems recognising their emotions or dealing with them, they have some internal conflict on a subconscious level. And I think the therapist’s task is to help them name those emotions, discover what the conflict is about, bring them to the conscious level – it is only then that they can name it. I believe this is very common, but can speak for myself only. I was in that lousy relationship, where my ex did not listen when I expressed my emotions, and turned it around by blaming me or just said something, gave some excuse almost automatically, as if it was obvious and my feelings just didn’t become. I learnt to suppress my emotions because expressing them led to making things worse, and I had to constantly explain myself and apparently did everything wrong. If I didn’t do it, though, it was also wrong, because “how was he supposed to know?”. Then I seeked outside help and suppresed how I felt even more, learning that my feelings were wrong and I was needy, wanted to use him to boost my self-esteem, and was narrow-minded expecting him to know how I feel, and probably many more, whereas he was OK, can stand up for himself, knows what he wants etc. Because of my limited experience in human relationships, I did consider that a possibility, so I made sure I was acting “OK” and not FEEL bad whenever I felt hurt, because obviously it was my problem. I was so stifled and in the dark, that I even questioned the idea that when you love somebody, you think about them and are considerate, meaning you do care about whether they like how spend time with them today, or it pops into your head they might expect to hear from you when they see you online for 2 days and you know that they’re depressed. And many other ideas like this, such as doing something for someone just to make them happy, especially when you know what makes them happy because they told you.

    My point is when you have background like this, are confused about your emotions, and what is OK to feel and what is not OK, then how can you be so sure of yourself with the therapist and speak up with confidence? It is the therapist who should help you make out these emotions. All you can say to them is that you feel something is wrong, off, or feel uncomfortable. It is their job to go into that and find out why exactly. But some therapist will just dismiss those feelings as probably not fitting into their line of interpretation (meaning even if they are somewhat interested to work on your case, they might simply find themselves not good enough and fail to admit it) and therefore tell you to shut up because obviously you’re interrupting their work, or come up with “denial” etc. In my case, though, I did voice my objections straight, too. Because I also learned in my relationship that if I didn’t, then I have no right to expect others to care how they act towards me. And you know how it ended. In our final meeting the therapist suggested we don’t meet anymore. And before that she had admitted that she was possibly not enough experienced or wise or intelligent to sort out our case – pity she said that after our couples therapy had ended and only when I confronted her about issues that I still didn’t understand (and obviously, so didn’t she: “from what you’re saying, it really does look like he didn’t care; I don’t know”) having said all the time in our couples therapy he cared a lot, but I wasn’t open to see it and I should open up).

    You mentioned the idea of writing an email to her. Believe me, I was thinking of it a long time after I’d last seen her. I was so full of resentment and other feelings that I really wanted to vent it, and I hoped that maybe she would understand me and admit she was wrong, and show some sympathy. I was scared, though, all the time, of doing it, because I didn’t want to be hurt again, and after such “therapy” I was really confused if I could express my emotions the right way (or it will be too subtle or too aggressive). I didn’t know what was normal in human relationships anymore. Later, when I became a bit calmer, I realised that it was very unlikely she would consider my email seriously. If she didn’t accept what I was saying in therapy, both couples and individual, and she had loads of time and examples to do that, then she is most probably not willing to do it at all. She has her own story, for the sake of saving her self-esteem and image of a good therapist she wants to be seen as, and because she can explain my behaviour in any other way than how I feel, she will – because it’s an interpretation that does not threaten her self-image. So I gave up on the idea of writing.

    2 years after the therapy, the matter is still bothering me, though to a much lesser extent. As I said, I don’t think there’s point in writing to her, but there’s another thing. I am still in touch with that ex of mine, who had gone to therapy with me. He claims to care about me and he started his own therapy to deal with the issues he thinks were the cause of why our relationship didn’t work. I also found a new therapist, who is far more supportive and is helping me, indeed, though it’s a therapist in my college, and I can only meet here once or twice a month, so it’s not fully-fledged therapy, so to speak, but still helps, I hope. And she helped me realise some stuff that made me feel more confident. Therefore, I started expecting my ex to stand up for me and go to our ex-therapist to clear up the issue. During couples therapy, I found him often being on her side, for a lack of better wording, and a couple of times I “enjoyed” their laughing at me together, so I don’t think that’s too much to ask of him. So far he’s been unwilling to do that, claiming he is on my side and believes in everything I say, but he doesn’t understand why I want it so badly, and later claimed he doesn’t know how to go about it, and that maybe his own therapy will help him with it.

    So that’s my story.

  • margarets

    March 14th, 2012 at 8:13 AM

    (sigh) So far, no therapist on this thread has responded to this one idea of mine:

    I’d add this to the list of improvements: ALL complaints (and the following decisions) to ethics committees be posted on the committee’s website. (Names etc, can be removed to protect privacy.) That will give the public and therapists a clearer picture of the nature and number of issues arising in therapy and the *real* standards that ethics committees actually enforce.

    Anyone?

  • Darren Haber, MFT

    March 14th, 2012 at 9:23 PM

    Hi Sylvia, thank you for your very thoughtful and honest post. I am quite impressed with not only how open you were about how you felt and what transpired, but I also your eloquence in describing the therapeutic process, with more clarity than I’ve heard from some colleagues.

    I like this quote especially: “Expressing your real emotions in therapy is also tricky for other reasons. People go to therapy, because have problems recognising their emotions or dealing with them, they have some internal conflict on a subconscious level. And I think the therapist’s task is to help them name those emotions, discover what the conflict is about, bring them to the conscious level – it is only then that they can name it.” What a brilliant description of the therapy process! And how sad that the self-serving, tin-eared therapist you saw was unable or (more likely) unwilling to help you with this, when you so earnestly were seeking clarity and understanding.

    I’m sure I’ll say this again but I recall a very wise therapist telling me, back when I was an intern, that some people enter the field to continue to grow and confront their own demons (in helping others face theirs), while others seek to AVOID dealing with their demons and ongoing “baggage”. I don’t think it’s an open question as to which category your clunker of an ex-counselor falls into. I’m just very happy you were courageous enough to not give up and find someone who is (by the sound of it) much more attuned and empathic. Well done on your part.

    I also like when you said “My point is when you have background like this, are confused about your emotions, and what is OK to feel and what is not OK, then how can you be so sure of yourself with the therapist and speak up with confidence? It is the therapist who should help you make out these emotions. All you can say to them is that you feel something is wrong, off, or feel uncomfortable. It is their job to go into that and find out why exactly.”

    That really nails it. The truth is, we often feel conflicting or opposing feelings simultaneously (as you alluded to in your first quote). This is why they are confusing, among other reasons — including the fact that we often lack language to express them. The very first priority of a therapist is to create safety. The client is not “supposed” to know what he/she is feeling; if it were clear, there’d likely be no need for therapy in the first place. So of course it’s going to come out jumbled and only partially articulated. A truly caring therapist needs to tolerate being “contradicted” or “corrected” — in fact, therapy is not a debate about what is right. We need to be wrong, in fact, in order to discover where we’re “right” (or helpful). Nobody is 100% right on the first try (thinking this is possible is called grandiosity). Therapy is an exploration of what feels right to the CLIENT, not a validation of the therapist’s advice or point of view. That, in fact, is the least important aspect. An effective therapist welcomes feedback, good, bad or indifferent. One size does not fit all and without feedback we cannot know what is or is not resonating with our clients. Like everyone we make mistakes and step on toes by mistake; hearing a client say “ouch” tells us when to make an adjustment and what not to do, and leads to a deeper understanding of why that particular comment was hurtful or unhelpful.

    It sounds like your previous person got defensive and attempted to shame you into seeing things differently, when you bravely voiced your feelings — which tells me she should probably be working at Walmart or Starbucks. You were wise to move on and I’m very glad you found someone who truly feels like an ally.

    I’m not sure if you were seeking feedback about your ex, but I’ll say this; it sounds to me like what happened in the couples sessions feels like a betrayal. I’m not entirely clear what you mean when you say you “enjoyed” being laughed at. It sounds like a miserable experience. Perhaps you’re seeking validation and some kind of corrective experience with your ex, in that you felt “triangulated” in the therapy with him and the therapist opposing you. Couples therapy requires balance and equal understanding, not two against one. I’m sorry this happened. Perhaps you could explore these feelings with your therapist and then decide what to do, and be prepared to take care of yourself and find appropriate support regardless of what your ex agrees to do (or not do). It would be nice, at the very least, if he understood how hurtful the experience was. Feeling heard is a very healing experience; whether or not he wants to truly hear may be out of your control. Fortunately you do at least feel heard by your current therapist

    Finally, I agree that yes if we are used to not being supported in our vulnerability, in expressing difficult feelings, it is very hard to share feelings which we feel might be disagreeable to the other person. A good therapist will encourage, not hinder or discourage this process, regardless of whatever feelings are being shared. Which makes what you’ve done, in continuing to seek help for yourself, all the more admirable.

    Thanks again for writing.

  • margarets

    March 15th, 2012 at 6:11 PM

    Darren, we’ve come this far. Please comment on my suggestion re: publishing complaints and ethics committees decisions. Or is there a reason why you won’t?

  • Darren Haber, MFT

    March 16th, 2012 at 11:53 AM

    Hi Margarets. I’m a bit confused by your comment (509). I thought I had already commented several times above. It seemed like in your responses (495 and 502) you disagree with everything I suggested. Even when I agree with you for the most part, you say that my idea “isn’t going to cut it” or that I’m deflecting or only proving your point that, in general, therapists suck. I’m therefore left with the impression that you feel that somehow I just don’t get it, and that my remarks are not helpful. Since my goal here is to be helpful, I wouldn’t want to perpetuate further irritation or disagreement. My impression is you’re already convinced therapists don’t get it, or are con artists, so why add fuel to the fire?

    If you’re willing, however, I would be interested to hear how you’ve come to find therapy such a “racket” — have you believed this always? Did something happen which soured you on the entire enterprise (or to a friend or family member)? I’d be interested in hearing how you’ve come to this point where we therapists are pretty much a bunch of slick used-car salesmen out for a buck. (Some of us are, unfortunately)

    My aim here is to provide helpful feedback and help others reach their own conclusions about therapists or therapy.

    I’m not totally disagreeing with you by the way, I just don’t think (in my experience) that it’s quite as black and white as you’re presenting it. I find there are some really crappy therapists out there who should not be practicing, and some very hard working, dedicated people who really want to help others and relieve suffering. My general belief is that people’s views are affected by their experiences so I’d be up for hearing about yours if you care to share…..

  • Sue

    March 16th, 2012 at 1:34 PM

    Darren, I don’t believe you read carefully. Margarets used “racket” to describe the licensing review process, and with good reason. Only a small fraction of client complaints are heard by boards and only an infinitesimal fraction of those complaints are decided in favor of clients. Based on personal experience, combined with comparing notes with others, it’s easy to conclude that the grievance process is a “racket,” only creating an outward appearance of protecting the public.

    Beyond that, your description of Margarets’ posts impresses me as setting up straw men and misrepresenting her comments. “Slick used-car salesmen” as “she should probably be working at Walmart” are your metaphors, not Margarets’.

    It’s an old academic trick to misrepresent content, then argue against it. Though I realize, as you state, you don’t like to argue.

    No one on this thread is anyone’s counselor or client. The counselors’ tone on this thread, as if they’re the authorities, and sometimes as if they’re trying to get the unruly children back into line, is an interesting reminder in why psychotherapy was a sham in my life. The more the counselors try to flex their expertise biceps, the less respect I have.

  • Mary S

    March 16th, 2012 at 8:00 PM

    People following this website might be interested in Bruce Levine’s February 26 blog, “Why Antiauthoritarians are Diagnosed as Mentally Ill, on the Mad in America website. It has received a lot of comments and has some relevance to some of the discussions here.

  • Sue

    March 17th, 2012 at 9:16 AM

    Darren, taking you at your word that you’re immensely grateful for feedback, announcing that someone’s presentation is “black and white” says to me that perhaps you’re hoping to invalidate or diminish her contribution.

    I read Margarets’ topic as the complex issue of the client grievance process–which has been highly unsatisfactory to many consumers. If anything impresses me as black and white, it’s the counselors’ repeated skipping over difficult questions, only to return to insistently advertising the institution of psychotherapy.

    It feels like counselors are most comfortable assuming the role of expert serving up glib sympathy. One practitioner above even announced counselors were relationship experts, which impressed me as a preposterously immodest self-assessment.

    Once counselors are presented with critique, an order seems threatened. I don’t think it’s a coincidence that the body of counseling literature contains almost no conversation with consumers.

    The metacommunication on this thread tells a rich story.

  • margarets

    March 17th, 2012 at 6:54 PM

    Darren, I asked you to comment on this idea of mine (post #489):

    I’d add this to the list of improvements: ALL complaints (and the following decisions) to ethics committees be posted on the committee’s website. (Names etc, can be removed to protect privacy.) That will give the public and therapists a clearer picture of the nature and number of issues arising in therapy and the *real* standards that ethics committees actually enforce.

    You replied (post #498):

    ” I think it’s a really fine idea to have some forum where people can share openly about their abusive experiences and have that available so people can read, uncensored, an account of the pitfalls and abuses clients have suffered.”

    My reply to that (post #502):

    That’s not what I’m suggesting. “Some forum” is not going to cut it in terms of showing how strictly licensing or regulating agencies enforce their own standards. That is why ALL the complaints AND the following agency decisions or actions need to be made available to the public. It’s so the public knows how much trust to place in these institutions and what licensing really signifies.

    —-

    So, you haven’t actually addressed my idea of ethics (or discipline or complaint) committees of licensing/regulating agencies posting all the complaints they receive. They don’t, by the way. They pick and choose which complaints to address, which to dismiss, and which to publish. It is impossible for a member of the public to find out about the suppressed complaints.

    Do you think this is acceptable or that the public deserves to know the extent and nature of the complaints to such committees, and how the committees respond to them?

  • Darren Haber, MFT

    March 18th, 2012 at 10:21 AM

    No, not acceptable. The public deserves to know more.

    Now what about my question?

  • Sue

    March 18th, 2012 at 6:31 PM

    “Now what about my question?”
    Do you think therapists often need to “control” the conversation?

  • Mary S

    March 18th, 2012 at 9:15 PM

    Darren,
    In #510, you say, “My aim here is to provide helpful feedback and help others reach their own conclusions about therapists and therapy.”

    My understanding has been that the purpose of this website is for therapy clients (and former therapy clients) to give feedback about their therapy experience to therapists, in the hope that the therapists will listen to, think about, and take that feedback seriously, then act on it as needed to improve their own practices and the practices of their profession in general (such as ethical guidelines, complaint mechanisms, training practices, etc.)

    If others agree with me, then the frustration that you (and some people who respond to your comments) seem to be experiencing probably stems from the difference in purposes.

    What do others think?

    Also in #510, Darren, you say, “I find there are some really crappy therapists out there who should not be practicing, and some very hard working, dedicated people who really want to help others and relieve suffering.” This coincides with my own impressions, but leaves out an important point: Some of the very hard working, dedicated people who really want to help others and relieve suffering are also doing harm, at least some of the time. A big part of the problem seems to be that many therapists fail to face the sad but true reality that being hard working, dedicated, and wanting to help and relieve suffering do not guarantee competence at helping. Indeed, sometimes when someone wants to help, they rush in, acting impulsively on their want in a misguided way, and end up harming more than helping – I’ve been on the receiving end of this bull-in-the-china-shop phenomenon in therapy as well as in other situations (and have sometimes been the bull-in-the-china-shop). Another pitfall is that therapists may believe that their trainers are “experts” and not question what they have been taught. Still another is that therapists may believe that what helped them will also be helpful to others – not taking into account that others may be very different from them and need very different kinds of help. Another, of course, is the natural tendency to get defensive and/or rationalize and/or blame someone else when one is not having success at what one is trying to do. And I’m sure there are other pitfalls I have left out.

    Darren, if you would be willing to consider some intended-as-constructive feedback on how you might improve your interaction with others on this website (and possibly your therapy practice as well), and promise to try not to be nasty to the messenger, I’d be willing to try to give you some feedback.

  • Sue

    March 18th, 2012 at 10:37 PM

    Mary, I find your comments very astute, and think you’ve summarized the recent conversation beautifully.

    I hope this thread continues, as it has been, a place where consumers can talk back to the profession.

    The counselors who’ve swept in “expert” cloaks, even telling us they’re experts and authorities, have through their actions, completely contradicted their declarations.

    This thread has become a living case study how therapy can turn damaging, and I truly hope counselors will learn from its subtexts.

    Darren, I hope you will receive Mary’s feedback with respect and regard. Likewise, I hope other counselors here will relinquish their pride and defenses to consider feedback.

  • margarets

    March 19th, 2012 at 7:48 AM

    Darren, which question?

  • Darren Haber, MFT

    March 19th, 2012 at 5:18 PM

    I’m curious about your experiences with therapists which have led you to your current perspective — generally speaking, in as much detail as you’re comfortable sharing. I’m imagining it was pretty negative, and I believe in an earlier post you said that you did lodge a complaint with the board and nothing was done (unfortunate). Please note I’m not here to agree or disagree with anything you say, or to defend bad therapy, just genuinely curious about your experience. Thanks.

  • Darren Haber, MFT

    March 19th, 2012 at 5:29 PM

    Hi Mary, I like what you have to say about “well intentioned” therapists. As the old expression goes, “the road to hell is paved with good intentions”. I especially like this quote of yours: “A big part of the problem seems to be that many therapists fail to face the sad but true reality that being hard working, dedicated, and wanting to help and relieve suffering do not guarantee competence at helping. Indeed, sometimes when someone wants to help, they rush in, acting impulsively on their want in a misguided way, and end up harming more than helping – I’ve been on the receiving end of this bull-in-the-china-shop phenomenon in therapy as well as in other situations (and have sometimes been the bull-in-the-china-shop). Another pitfall is that therapists may believe that their trainers are “experts” and not question what they have been taught. Still another is that therapists may believe that what helped them will also be helpful to others – not taking into account that others may be very different from them and need very different kinds of help.”

    It is true that too often, therapists have a cookie-cutter mentality that one size fits all, and if the patient is not “getting it”, then the theory or particular approach is not questioned but rather the client is seen as “resisting” or “avoiding” or whatever. I find this approach very hurtful to the client and unproductive.

    Also on the “being an expert” idea, in the late 1950s Carl Rogers began a movement of “client centered” therapy, which simply put, said that each person is the “authority” of his or her experience, that no therapist can be “inside” the client’s skin and know exactly what the person is feeling and what should be done. I do try to practice this type of client centered therapy and I’m sorry if it came across as otherwise in earlier posts.

    Finally, you make the interesting comment that: “My understanding has been that the purpose of this website is for therapy clients (and former therapy clients) to give feedback about their therapy experience to therapists, in the hope that the therapists will listen to, think about, and take that feedback seriously, then act on it as needed to improve their own practices and the practices of their profession in general (such as ethical guidelines, complaint mechanisms, training practices, etc.)”

    In other words, perhaps you felt I was saying I’m here to give feedback to the non-therapist postings and you’re suggesting that really it’s the other way around, it’s our job as therapists to take in feedback and learn how to work with others more productively and less defensively. Does that sound accurate?

    I’m wondering if it could go both ways, that we could give and take, send and receive? Remember I’m not 100% writing as a “therapist” in the strict sense. This is not a clinical situation and I’m not offering “therapeutic interactions”. I’m here partly as a citizen and as a writer about therapy and the therapeutic process, not ONLY as a therapist dispensing ‘wisdom to the masses’. (That last bit is not meant seriously)

    Anyway thanks for pointing out the cross-purposes point, that’s something I hadn’t thought of….

  • margarets

    March 20th, 2012 at 7:15 AM

    “I’m wondering if it could go both ways, that we could give and take, send and receive?”

    Darren, I don’t think any of the ex-clients on this thread have requested input from therapists on their situation. I expect that many think they’ve already heard more than enough from therapists.

    As for knowing more about my story, my first post on this thread is #82. I recommend (again) that you read this whole thread because there is an entire conversation going on here amongst ex-clients with many details of many stories. You entered the conversation rather late.

    Also, some posters mention blogs and other sites where they have told their story. Those are also worthwhile to read.

  • margarets

    March 20th, 2012 at 7:22 AM

    Darren, could you also respond to Sue’s question in post #515?

    I think you are doing exactly what Sue suggests with your proposal to make this thread about therapists giving feedback to ex-clients, when the purpose of this thread was established long before you got here.

    Not to mention the question you put to me following your terse reply to the question I asked you many posts ago. Is that really all you have to say on the matter of transparency, “the public deserves to know more”? Which is not quite the same as agreeing with my idea of posting all complaints, by the way. What else, in your opinion, could be done to improve transparency in the therapy industry?

  • Sue

    March 20th, 2012 at 9:49 AM

    Darren,
    . Please respond to my question in post #515 about controlling the conversation.

    I have additional questions:

    . Do you talk to others on this thread as peers, or patients? If the latter, why have you assumed we’d welcome this dynamic in absence of any professional contract with you?

    . Do you often tell clients their presentation is “black and white” as you labeled Margarets’, #498? How do you consider this name-calling the “client-centered therapy” you said you practice?

    . You used the word “quack” four times and then reported erroneously that Margarets and I used this term. Do you often put words in clients’ mouths? If so, how is this “client centered” therapy?

    . What’s your assessment of Kelly’s “seeing conspiracy” remark in #445? Please elaborate how this is an effective professional presentation.

    . Likewise, please offer a detailed assessment of Diana’s post #187, specifically her “unstable individuals” remark?

    . How has your behavior here demonstrated the gracious acceptance of feedback by a therapist?

    . Do you feel you’ve created goodwill for the therapeutic field on this thread or have your attempts backfired? If the latter, how did they backfire?

    . Last question. How do you understand any points I’m trying to make, Socratically?

    I hope other counselors use this joyful opportunity for growth and will freely join in to explore these questions as well. Though no one is anyone’s counselor or “patient” here, I suspect this thread reveals what typically occurs when clients attempt feedback with counselors.

    Thank you, Darren.

  • Rainy

    March 20th, 2012 at 1:25 PM

    Dang, I feel bad for Darren, this man is just giving his honest feedback ladies. I totally agree with margeret they have yelp that will reuin a business in 2 minutes..why not have a place to put our horrible experiences we had in therapy. I know my awful therapist was mad she read some of my posts, she was afraid of what she said to me and they were removed from this site…Therapist has to be accountable for there actions and the harm some of them have done to hurting people that did not deserve it.

  • Rainy

    March 20th, 2012 at 1:29 PM

    Just another thought…Darren might be the Bridge we have needed to help stop the abuse of power from some really bad therapy. We all are hurt by what happened to us, maybe now we can be heard!

  • jasmine

    March 20th, 2012 at 2:32 PM

    i agree rainy and glad you said it. i should have spoken up sooner. I feel like darren has been nothing but respectful, curious, and open-minded. yet, sue and margarets want to pick a fight. could be me reading into it but i feel margarets and sue are putting their anger for the therapists that once hurt them onto darren. and no, i’m not a therapist. please have some respect ladies and take a look at your own attitude.

  • Rainy

    March 20th, 2012 at 3:39 PM

    Thanks Jasmine! Darren if your still out there please come back…I really enjoyed your professionl feedback and I found it very helpful and refreshing!! YOU Darren gave me hope that there are GREAT thearpist out there, I too was abused by a Therapist and find it so hard to go back to work on it..But you gave me some positive feedback and I’m not so scared. Also Kelly come back too, you are also a welcome read! Thank you!!

  • Darren Haber, MFT

    March 20th, 2012 at 4:17 PM

    Thanks Jasmine and Rainy…was starting to feel like a lone voice in the woods. Appreciate your support. I never meant to dominate or intimidate or act in an offensive manner. I have just been curious to hear about personal experiences and what has led to such strong negative feelings towards therapy. (In a more open atmosphere, I’d even be willing to share some of my experiences with a therapist I regret seeing.)

    My hope for this thread is that we practice mutual respect and tolerance for each other’s feelings and points of view, even if they don’t match ours. Remember therapists are people too.

    It makes me angry to hear of therapeutic abuse, which is one reason I hope to set forward a better example. But yes there is Yelp and other forums developing to let consumers have a much needed voice. Maybe Margarets and others could start a website devoted to giving people a voice. Though I also think — I believe this comment caused controversy earlier — but helping people find a way to GOOD therapists could be helpful (like goodtherapy.org), in addition of warning the public of who not to see.

    Rainy I’m curious as to what I said that felt helpful or hopeful to you. Do you mind sharing a bit of your therapy experience (in a general way)? You may feel it’s too public a forum, but if you feel it would help to vent, pls share, perhaps someone will read it and realize they’re not “crazy” for feeling their therapist is a well-mannered (and harmful) nutcase.

    Anyway your and Jasmine’s posts really made my day, thank you. I have no animosity towards those that disagree with me or see things differently. Everyone has the right to their feelings based on experiences, especially when one feels betrayed or abused by a (supposed) caregiver. What an awful thing. I’m sorry they went thru that…

  • Mary S

    March 20th, 2012 at 11:14 PM

    Wow, lots of contention here! I hope all can consider this perspective: Different therapy clients have different needs. Consequently, there are lots of ways a client can experience counterproductive therapy. What may be good therapy for one may be harmful for another.

    Let me illustrate by my own experience and my reaction to Darren. I believe that Darren is well-intended. Nonetheless, I don’t think he would be a good therapist for me – in fact, I suspect he would be a harmful therapist for me. He is for me what some people call a “toxic person” – he triggers the distressful (to put it mildly) thoughts and feelings associated with my negative therapy experiences. Still, I can accept that he is a good therapist for many people.

    I am sorry to say that Darren’s posts here have made this website less of a safe place for me. (Kelly, on the other hand, has helped make it more of a safe place.) This does not mean I think he is a bad person, bad therapist, or ill-intended – just that, as mentioned above, he is a toxic person for me. I have looked at his page on the Good Therapy Expert list to find out more about him, in the hope that I can achieve some measure of desensitization to him. He says, in the section My Approach to Helping, “I am not a cookie-cutter, one size fits all therapist.” That sounds great to me. He also says, “I respect the intelligence and sensitivity of each client.” That also sounds great to me. But then in the second sentence of his section My View of the Purpose of Therapy, he says, “Very often the first step in …” and goes on to give a description that may fit many, but doesn’t fit me, in lots of ways. He may intend not to use a cookie cutter approach, but he doesn’t give examples of people who might seek help for therapy whose situations and needs are very different from the one description given – so it ends up sounding a lot like a cookie cutter approach. (But I realize it might sound great to someone that the description fits.)

    Similarly, Darren’s interactions with me online have had lots of things that don’t fit me. For example, he seems to take a “feelings first” approach. That is backwards from what I need – for me, trust needs to be earned before it’s safe for a therapist to ask about or comment on my feelings. The same holds for wants and likes. (I’m usually OK with needs – except if the person says, “You need …” without giving a reason.) But I realize that the “feelings first” approach fits for many people. As another example, many people on this blog have talked about how a therapist needs to take an interest in the client or be curious. I realize that is an important quality for a good therapist for many people, but it doesn’t fit me – part of my reason for going to therapy originally was to help me learn to cope better with people who took an interest in me or were curious about me. I realize they intend no harm, but the practice can sometimes be very invasive for me – as have been some of my interactions online with Darren (as well as many of my experiences as a therapy client). Again, I emphasize that I don’t think Darren intends any harm.

    I hope that we can all try to be more tolerant of the varying needs, values, and experiences of others following this website.

    And, Darren, I ask you to try to help me by trying to respect my boundaries and individual differences – in particular, please try to refrain from asking me about or commenting on my feelings, wants, or likes, and from expressing or pursuing your interest in or curiosity about me. And please try to focus more on accepting me than on trying to understanding me. In fact, I would appreciate it if others would try to help me in that way. (Many — probably most — of you are already. Thanks!) I realize that what is help for me may be the opposite of what is help for some (perhaps many, or even most) others. But I am the one person I happen to be – we’re not all made from a cookie cutter.

  • Sylvia

    March 21st, 2012 at 6:18 AM

    Darren,

    Thanks for your comments and words of support.

    To answer your question, my usage of the word “enjoyed” was intended as sarcasting and I couldn’t find any better term when I was writing it. (English is not my first language.) Of course, it was an awful experience for me. I write about that therapy in post 316, in case you’re interested to learn more and haven’t read it. (I realised later it was a different post you were talking about.)

    I had a session with my current therapist today and to be completely honest, I don’t know what to think. I told her I’d cut off contact with my ex a couple of days ago and she told me to describe it. So I basically told her what happened – I got hurt again and decided to walk away as I didn’t feel I had any power to change things (to cut a long story short). And I told her I was worried that past is going to haunt me, because the night I stopped talking to him, I woke up 4am to thoughts of some unresolved issues, and I admitted I was glad to have some peace not talking to him but also that some things in the past are hard to deal with for me and keep bothering me (when I had contact with him I had illusion of safety that maybe someday it will be resolved, but now I feel left alone). I didn’t feel like she wanted to go into that, she didn’t even ask me what that was. I said it’s not just mere bad memories but stuff I don’t understand, I mentioned our ex-therapy, where I felt betrayed (as you rightly noticed). And she said to me something like “you cannot change the past”, and later “it will never happen” meaning I will not understand, because it’s about others. I clarified it’s not only about others, but myself and something is still bothering me, but she apparently didn’t want to go into that. She just said “you can think about you, your reactions, and draw lessons for the future”.

    Then we spoke more about my ex, and I told her what he’d told me a couple of days ago: that maybe I was not really giving him a chance, because he needs trust and I am distant and maybe I could trust him more, to which I explained I was afraid of getting hurt as it happened million times when I decided to trust also in the present, and he said “I understand, but maybe you’re just thinking you’re giving us a chance but you’re not, think about it”.

    She told me he’s talking about me, what I should do, I am talking about him what he should, it’s like we’re trying to change each other. I told her I really don’t like it when someone says I was trying to change him, because I had been trying to work out all along what he’s like and was careful not to force anything, when I asked him to tell me his expectations he got mad and always avoided it, but he made a lot of excuses why he reacted in some way I hadn’t expected and hurt me, and I did believe him everytime – whether he spoke about something I’d done or circumstances, and was always changing it but then he had a different excuse and so on, and I still believed, plus of course a classic: because he often said “how was I supposed to know”, “I didn’t understand” etc., making it seem that if only he had known, he would have done it, I began explaining stuff and then he was defensive. And I told her that’s why it hurts me when someone says I was trying to change him, I was really trying to follow what he told me to do, and work out what he’s like and what his expectations are. Well, she still didn’t validate my feelings.

    At the end of the session she asked me how I felt, I said I didn’t really feel understood. She asked if I expected her to understand 100%, I said no, but with some important things for me. And she told me it doesn’t really matter if we differ etc. I asked her if she really thought I was trying to change him, she said “No, I don’t think you were trying to change him, but you were trying to change yourself and you betrayed yourself”. But a couple of minutes before she had said something else… :/ (Yes, I know that maybe normally it’s a casual thing to say, but I explained my reasons why I’m really sensitive about this particular thing.) And when I was walking out, she gave me a handshake as usual, but she also did something else: she put her hand to my face and turned it to her so I could look straight into her eyes, and said, with a smile but very confidently, “Don’t mistrust me”. That was kind of funny :/ Don’t know what to think…

  • margarets

    March 21st, 2012 at 7:18 AM

    Hmmm… so Darren ignores the recent posts made by me, Sue and Mary S, in which we make serious and challenging comments about abuse in the therapy industry, but acknowledges the brand-new posters who *praise* him.

    This thread is about QUESTIONABLE therapy. Not strokes for therapists who claim to be one of the good guys. Why are you here, Darren?

    And if you are going to stick around, could you at least do a courtesy read of the entire thread?

  • Darren Haber, MFT

    March 21st, 2012 at 9:24 AM

    Hi Mary, thanks for your honest feedback, will definitely keep that in mind. I’m grateful you honored my intentions while stating your own preferences and needs. You also offer me a good reminder that it’s difficult to get a real sense of the person just by internet postings, I have forgotten how easily people can hear things other than intended or questions that would seem relatively harmless to one person might be invasive (good word) for another.

    Anyway I appreciate the tolerant and very honest feedback. And thanks for reading the website as well; I admire your diligence.

  • Rainy

    March 21st, 2012 at 11:01 AM

    Hi Darren,

    I will totally tell you about what happened too me, I had 2 therapist that were abusive. I will start with #1 and give you the short story. My 1st. therapist was abused by her Dad when she was a kid and was working on her abuse for years…when I was a kid I was molested at 4 by a neighbor and a few other people when I was growing up. She would trigger me, I have PTSD and did not know it, she would blurt something out about the molest or talk about our special cabin in the woods were we would be cozy and safe. I would curl up in a ball on the couch, she would then come and sit with me and hold me as I would float away. She would keep me in this state and kiss me and call me her baby, things got worse later on when she would make me touch her breast, and other stuff that will make me go away if I write it..It was awful, she made me scared to leave her, she told me no other therapist would make me feel safe, or love me. I would have to start all over again with someone who does not love me
    I started to get mad at her, I wanted her to hate me…but I still felt I needed to be her “client” because of what happened to her as a kid (she needed me) then her husband passed away and I really felt I had to be there for her and stay an extra hour so she had more money…one day out of the blue I came into her office told her I was moving away (running) I would come in once a month if I could. We would talk on the phone one day I was very angry at me she was mad that I left her she terminated me on the phone.
    I asked her if it was because of me “going away” and she said it’s part of it. She tormented me for 2 months, she said I will call you every night until May 1, then I wont ever talk to you again, I will have someone call you when I die. I asked her for my file, she gave me some notes and of course it was me not doing good in therapy, I did not participate, I had PTSD and Severe Truma Attachment disorder..hum

    Therapist #2

    It took me 1 year to go back to therapy, this time I picked a Psychologist…I wanted to tell her what happened to me so bad, it was like I ran away from an abuser and I needed to tell!!!..she said I was not ready…(if i want to talk I think that means Im ready? ) One day I e-mailed her what happened, she called me too come in. As I was sitting in her waiting room she came out to get me, she gave me a look that made my stomach jump, she shook her head and said “come on” she sat down and just looked at me and said nothing…it was if I killed her dog she was so mad!! I asked her why she is not saying anything to me she said go talk..I really did not want to talk to her, and was so ashamed I wrote the letter I just cried for an hour, she said are you done? Ihave to eat and I want to go home, I got up and left. I was hurt, stunned, confused, helpless. I went in the next day to confront her and ask her why she would treat someone so bad when they spill there guts, I told her this was awful and it took me forever to tell someone because of the shame, she said I must think she is a F-n bitch… it got worse, she reads these posts because I filed a complaint with the board..when I got my file from her her notes said I make up stories for attention and I was always performing for her, she lied about everything made up her own stories, I thought she gave me the wrong file. I can go on about this awful women who should never be in this career helping people.

  • Sue

    March 21st, 2012 at 11:02 AM

    When therapists enter this thread with links to their web pages and services, it appears they’re here for visibility, presenting themselves as the “good guys” in contrast to the “bad” therapists.

    They seem to lead abridged group therapy, doling fast advice and writing as if anybody else is their “patient.” And it feels like they regard therapy-skeptics as children needing correction.

    Consumers, in contrast, are here only for conversation. I have a poor reaction to the counselors and their new ask-the-expert format which I feel overwhelms the discussion. I assume them well-intended.

    Mary, I’m glad you raised the fact that we’re all in different places. Before the counselors’ appearances, this thread had a long precedent of conversation between consumers. We even have launched blogs and a Facebook page.

    In an ideal world I’d love to see 1) deconstruction of therapeutic models which I feel infantilize and imprint an authoritarian construct. Richard House, in his fine Therapy Beyond Modernity, presents this conversation far better than this lay person could.
    2) The profession truly accepting negative feedback from consumers. With two exceptions I know of, literature about iatrogenesis exclusively is profession-centered.

    I disagree with advice counselors have offered here, which I feel spurs the victimhood the Tana Dineen discusses. I haven’t and would never use the Q-word about any practitioner because I feel it demonizes those who make errors and oversimplifies the issues. To name call the therapists who’ve hurt us or say they probably should be working at Walmart creates a safe dichotomy of good-guys-and-bad-guys. I don’t think it’s that easy.

  • Rainy

    March 21st, 2012 at 11:27 AM

    Derren,

    To answer your question it was just you are taking your time to read and ask questions, you are showing me that not all therapist are bad, sometimes we get a really bad “people” who happen to be therapist. I have all the reasons in the world to never go back or trust any therapist again. But what I do have is hope, I deserve to have a safe place to heal, I did nothing wrong and I have to put the blame back on the abusers and push through the hurt that other people did to me..sure writing negetive posts might make you feel better for a minute, but think of the power you will get when you conquer your hurt and fight back.

    Thanks Darren

  • Sidney

    March 21st, 2012 at 2:19 PM

    I have a feeling that Sue, Margarets, and Mary S. just might be the same person. It seems to be the same writing and rant with diffrent names. I could be wrong but I really don’t think I am.

  • Sylvia

    March 21st, 2012 at 2:46 PM

    i meant “sarcastic”, lol – sorry for the mistake, I’m too emotional writing this :)

  • Darren Haber, MFT

    March 21st, 2012 at 7:09 PM

    Thanks Rainy so much for your honesty. I am so sorry that these things happened to you, and that you were treated so poorly — abused, actually — by people who should not (as you say) even be in this profession. (It’s incredible to me that you knew so much about your therapist’s life, that is so irrelevant to your needs, and how cruel of her to impose any of that burden on you, it makes me almost sick to hear of stuff like this.

    But wow what bravery to continue to seek help and to tell your story so openly. I also am so impressed you went ahead and filed a complaint and refused to be bullied. Boy I can’t imagine how awful it was to go through all that, it’s really like a retraumatization by these self-centered people; you must be a very strong person to have survived with your intelligence and sensitivity intact. Thanks again for sharing your story and I’m so glad that you found some inspiration in what I said, I find your courage and honesty very moving.

    Hope you write again.

  • Darren Haber, MFT

    March 21st, 2012 at 7:13 PM

    Hi Sylvia, I’m not sure what you’re referring to (re. “sarcastic”); do you mean your earlier post on March 14 (#506)?

  • Mary S

    March 21st, 2012 at 8:07 PM

    Sidney,
    I definitely am not either Sue or Margarets. I sincerely doubt that Sue and Margarets are the same person. I think if you go back and read our early posts you can see that for yourself. I believe that Sue’s first post is #120, Margarets’s #224, and mine #272. There was quite a bit of back and forth between Sue and Margarets in posts around 235 – 265, then between the three of us after my first post — but lots of interaction with other posters as well. There may be some similarities in our writing styles, but there are definite differences as well.

  • Sylvia

    March 22nd, 2012 at 12:53 AM

    Hi Darren,

    No, I mean my post no. 530.

  • Sue

    March 22nd, 2012 at 6:56 AM

    “I have a feeling that Sue, Margarets, and Mary S. just might be the same person. ”

    Sidney, I’ve had speculations about others in this discussion myself, but have the prudence not to impugn without substantiation. Rather than this style of insinuation, perhaps you’d care to explore ideas any of us have presented.

  • margarets

    March 22nd, 2012 at 6:59 AM

    Here’s a clue that I’m different from Sue and Mary S: I’ve commented several times that this thread has an international audience, not solely an American one. That’s because *I* am not American.

    I even use different language when describing the therapy industry, because different language applies in my jurisdiction. E.g. therapists are not “licensed” here, they are “registered” with “colleges”.

    FYI, my first post was #82 (under “Margaret”), back in Aug 2009. Is it really likely that I started posting here way back then just so I could pick on Darren 2.5 years later? And that I’ve been posting as two other people for MONTHS all in anticipation of the appearance of one therapist who presumes to counsel other posters?

  • margarets

    March 22nd, 2012 at 7:05 AM

    Hasn’t anyone noticed that I don’t use American spelling? E.g. colour, not color?

  • Sue

    March 22nd, 2012 at 9:50 AM

    @Sylvia. You have to be the judge of the accuracy of my impressions, but I get a picture from you of a therapists who listens to you and then can only respond with a few standard cliches about trust and not changing other people, regardless its fit for the occasion. Your therapist’s request to trust her would immediately raise my–distrust.

    Therapy is its own world and provides a removed way of thinking and framing things. The technique itself–or the specific therapist– might be a useful tool for a complex situation or might only muddy the waters more. I wish I’d been more careful in monitoring whether therapy helped me solve problems or added to them.

    I’m sorry you’re at this juncture after what you’ve been through. But if getting through to your therapist continues to feels like as much of a battle as life….

  • Mary S

    March 22nd, 2012 at 8:11 PM

    I’ve been meaning to comment for a while on something that Kelly said in #457:

    “When one therapist and/or mode of therapy is not working, clients have many options or choices to find something different. And it is incumbent upon therapists to help clients understand this and to refer them to other professionals who might better meet their needs.”

    I’m not so convinced that the choices are always very different, but I agree wholeheartedly that it is incumbent on therapists to make a serious attempt to refer clients to other professionals who might better meet the clients needs when therapy is not working.

    Unfortunately, my experience of therapist’s referrals suggests that more often than not, the referral is to another therapist who uses the same approach, or to a therapist sharing the same office suite. The exceptions didn’t seem to give much information, either. One therapist (whom I had contacted over the phone but who didn’t seem right for me from her responses to my questions) suggested another therapist, saying only,“He is very masculine.” I fail to see the relevance of that comment. Another in a similar situation suggested another therapist, saying she “had a national reputation.” That sounded good to me, so I tried her . She was perhaps the worst of all I tried – she was the one I described in #272 who once said, “Do you realize you’re asking me to give up my control?” when I asked a question about why she was doing what she was doing. I could go on and on about all the things she said that didn’t make sense to me. So “national reputation” is not a good indication of quality. The last therapist I tried did suggest, at my request, two other therapists he thought might be suitable for me. His description of one was “He is well-trained,” and of the other “She is sensitive to feelings.” Neither seemed very informative or relevant. I didn’t try either (actually, I had in the past tried to try the first one, but had never been able to get an appointment with him), but thought the reasons for the recommendations seemed shallow.

    What are other people’s experiences with referrals? Have other clients had good referrals? How do therapists following this blog handle referrals? (I remember once reading in something written by a therapist, that therapists typically refer a “difficult” client to a colleague they don’t like – but that might have been facetious.)

    PS Re Margaret’s last two posts: I looked back at her first post #82 – note that she wrote “counsellor” (two l’s, even though my word processor tried to change it to just one.)

  • Rainy

    March 23rd, 2012 at 10:13 AM

    I think with All These Posts of horrible treatment by Paychologist and Therapist something needs to be done, how to do it I’m not sure..But I do know there is a Rate my MD were you can rate them and leave your comments…that’s a start…it’s a crime these ego crazy therapist can change your notes, lie, use false information in court, say what ever it takes to save there butt. In return you paid them a lot of money to abuse you, you trust them fully with your secret, your hurt, your confused, it’s a rape of your soul..It’s a crime and they are getting away with it, there are no rights for the victims look at all these posts what the heck!!!!..it’s horrible. Instead of hitting our heads and get angry we need to take action and change the laws some how..we need to be protected!!!! maybe we can get the MEDIA??? on it ..how about everyone write an e-mail to FOX or CNN telling them to read these posts, we need help to get the word out on bad therapist…It’s kinda like the “BAD” Priest hurting the boys..the only way we found out was through the Media…I’m in are you all??

    P.S. If Lifesucks is still on line please post something on how your doing!

  • Darren Haber, MFT

    March 23rd, 2012 at 1:00 PM

    I’m starting to wonder if Darren, Rainy and Sylvia are the same person…

  • Darren Haber, MFT

    March 23rd, 2012 at 1:00 PM

    (ps. a little Friday humor there folks)

  • Rainy

    March 23rd, 2012 at 5:02 PM

    I was thinking the same thing…. hahahah

  • Mary S

    March 24th, 2012 at 3:49 PM

    To Sylvia:
    You said (#530) “she also did something else: she put her hand to my face and turned it to her so I could look straight into her eyes, and said, with a smile but very confidently, “Don’t mistrust me”. That was kind of funny :/ Don’t know what to think…”

    It’s more than funny (I assume you mean funny in the sense of peculiar, not amusing) – it’s disturbing. First, a therapist is not supposed to touch a client (except for a handshake) without the client’s consent – so if she did not have your consent to touch you in this way, it was a boundary violation. Second, it says to me that she “doesn’t get it” – that she doesn’t realize that she needs to *earn* your trust. Not trusting someone who behaves as she did seems wise to me.

    (Also, it’s the kind of therapist behavior that I would be likely to have flashbacks and/or nightmares in response to.)

    To Darren:
    Thanks for responding (#532) to my post (#529) and taking it seriously.

    To Rainy:
    It sounds as though your therapist #1 (#533) might have been practicing some version of attachment therapy. This type of therapy might help some people, but there is history of therapists (not always licensed ones) taking it to extremes and doing harm. Her behavior definitely sounds inappropriate.

  • Rainy

    March 24th, 2012 at 7:08 PM

    Hi Mary S.

    She was doing something…she had her own issues with sexual abuse from her father. I just can’t fathem how these Therapist can do this? when you read these posts like Lifesucks post #176 it’s the same as what happened to me..What is going on? are they teaching this in school as a healthy form of therapy? it’s almost like some of these therapist are child molesters (yes, i said it) and they choose this profession to get to you, they play with you, they pretend and make you trust them, they say your safe and no one will hurt you again, they say they will never leave you EVER…then when your so vulnerable and ripe they go in for the kill, they kill you, they kill the little kid in you, they kill your trust, they kill your spirt they are no better than them. Mary S. I really enjoy your posts, you know how awful it is and I’m glad your here. : ) I will say after all the abuse I received by 2 therapist, I will be going back this time with knowledge and support. Thank you~

  • Sylvia

    March 29th, 2012 at 12:47 PM

    Rainy, I’m very sorry to hear about your experiences with therapy. And I do share your amazement at how some therapists can act, and I can’t understand it either. It’s like they’re totally unaware of what they’re doing to a vulnerable person and it doesn’t cross their minds it may be wrong, or they just don’t care – though judging by some strong emotions they display in treatment they do have some problem and not like just completely indifferent. Which makes me think… What about their own therapy? As far as I know, it is a prerequisite if you want to help other people, and you have to get it done along with your training. So how come they still end up having serious issues?

    Sue and Mary S, thanks for your comments.

    Sue, I did think of the same thing you wrote – that my psychologist responds with cliches. The way it’d been going was helpful to me, and – cliches or not – the things she said were what I needed to hear at the time and I internalised, which has been helpful ever since. But it looks like the formula had got exhausted, and now I can only hear repetitions of what has already been said, and I don’t feel she’s willing to go into my case further.

    Mary S, no, she did not have my consent to touch me, so it did feel weird, and maybe even patronising in a way. And I was a wee bit surprised at her “appeal” to trust her, because she used to say I could stop seeing her anytime I wanted, that I shouldn’t feel obliged to “be nice” etc., just quit if I no longer felt like it. But now it looks like she is kind of trying to influence my judgement.

    Oh well, I’m temporarily giving up on therapy. I have very limited possibilities in the place I’m at (a foreign country) and there’s not much I can do about it. I would really love to try some really good regular therapy, but I have no access to it for the time being. Things being as they are, I am at least a bit distanced to the idea of therapy in general, no longer see it as something healing, problem-solving per se. I still believe it has great potential to be healing etc., and that’s the point of it, but it’s probably quite rare for a therapist to go about it in a constructive manner and co-operate with the client. I hope maybe someday I will experience this but now have to go without.

  • Georgie

    April 3rd, 2012 at 3:50 PM

    My therapist talks excessively about herself for no reason and hasn’t looked into my bizarre childhood at all… It’s been 3 months… and last week she answered the phone during our session. Time to move on…

  • heather

    April 3rd, 2012 at 7:06 PM

    If they try to sell you job-unrelated products.( i dont really know how to explain it alittle help?)

  • Darren Haber, MFT

    April 4th, 2012 at 9:20 AM

    Hi Georgie and Heather. First, G: Yes time to move on indeed, glad to hear you say that. It never ceases to amaze me what people report. You’re making the right call. And H: what sort of products? Actually it doesn’t matter. There shouldn’t be any selling of any kind. It sounds odd and I would move on as well. Sorry you both had to deal with this kind of unprofessionalism and self-centeredness.

  • DJ

    April 7th, 2012 at 1:44 PM

    Counselor thinks suicide can only be accomplished after suicidal person makes plans. Counselor thinks it’s not possible for an older person to be so depressed and in the moment, that they will just jump off a bridge. Wife disagreed with counselor. Wife is going to pull husband out of this ‘counselor’s therapy and find a good therapist and not a quack.

  • Denise

    April 10th, 2012 at 5:57 PM

    I hope I have not missed these concerns, there were many posts & I did not read through all of them. I just had my second session & my concerns are growing. I am wondering if this is common practice or not. The first session was with my husband for marriage counseling. We all decided I would benefit from individual sessions as well to work on my anxiety & paranoia. The first session I noticed the therapist frequently talking about her spouse or a friend or another client with similar problems. This second session she did it even more, with every concern of mine, she had someone that had the same situation. She left the room on two different occasions, she ate breakfast during the session, & then encouraged me to download a spy app to catch my husband cheating. She also told me she agrees there is something going on with him. I feel worse now & question where this therapy is going & how that could help me. Thanks for any input.

  • Mary S

    April 11th, 2012 at 8:01 PM

    Denise,
    What you describe definitely sounds like your therapist is behaving unprofessionally in several ways.

  • Sylvia

    April 12th, 2012 at 5:14 AM

    Denise, I agree with Mary S. And what you wrote sounds like too many red flags and also that the therapist is clearly not helping you. So, if I were to suggest anything, I would say ‘run’ and try some other therapist.

  • Denise

    April 14th, 2012 at 6:50 AM

    Thank you both for your time & input. I am looking for a new counselor. Thanks again.

  • Darren Haber, MFT

    April 14th, 2012 at 12:53 PM

    Yes Denise, great advice from Mary & Sylvia. That sounds really outrageous. I continue to be shocked and saddened by the behavior of some of my peers in this profession.

  • Susan

    April 21st, 2012 at 4:31 AM

    I’m glad I came across such a comprehensive list. I really feel disappointed with therapists. I have seen several and most of them have crossed boundaries. Maybe there are some good ones out there. I really don’t know. It’s pathetic when they say sarcastic innuendos. When they take the things you say personally. That is not good. Not to be discouraging, maybe there are some good therapists out there. I just don’t trust anyone. Maybe talking to a good friend is better but they usually scoff at you or don’t understand. I hope I find a good therapist soon.

  • Darla

    April 23rd, 2012 at 10:11 AM

    Reading this blog makes me proud to be an LPC in the state of Texas. I recently attended the LPC Board Complaints Meeting (check the website in your state for schedules). This board takes ethics complaints seriously. In one afternoon I saw three therapists lose their license, several put on probation, etc. Ethics are a BIG DEAL. And I am astonished and appalled to read about blatantly unethical behavior by therapists. If you are a consumer, PLEASE go to the licensing board website in your particular state and read the ethical requirements for your therapist’s license as well as how to file a formal complaint. As in every other station of life, be an informed consumer.

  • Darren Haber, MFT

    April 23rd, 2012 at 11:06 AM

    Hi Susan, so glad you wrote in. I have a feeling that therapists probably follow the usual “bell curve” like every other profession: some are good/very good at the high end, some are bad or really bad at the low end, and most are somewhere in the middle.

    First of all, I suggest “interviewing” at least 3 (or more) therapists before you pick your next one. Some questions to ask yourself are: Do I feel safe with this person? Do I feel comfortable? Does this person seem attentive, empathic, CURIOUS? (Curiousity is key, the therapist I think has to be interested in you and what’s going on, not sit there like a statue, who wants that.)

    Also I would ask very specifically, if you have a specific issue you’re working on (depression, anxiety, relationship, what have you), does the therapist have experience working with that issue? You can gauge if she’s “getting it” and “getting you” and understanding not only the issue, but the feeling you’re having in struggling with the issue. We’re talking about human issues, human feelings, not like fixing an oil leak in a truck.

    Finally, as to how to get “leads” for therapists, you could start right here on the website if you live in an area covered by goodtherapy.org. You could ask a physician or school counselor you trust. You could ask close friends who have seen therapists, if they liked them or would recommend them. You could also contact the nearest university and see if they have a counseling center; many schools that teach psychology often have good teachers that are therapists and also supervise these centers. You could see someone at that center or have them recommend someone in the area, or if you have insurance, have your insurance company recommend people in your area that are in your plan, via phone or website.

    I agree that sarcasm does not work, nor does crossing boundaries. I am sorry for your negative experiences with these therapists, while really hoping you find someone more attuned to you and what you need to feel better.

  • Darren Haber, MFT

    April 23rd, 2012 at 11:08 AM

    Hi Darla — well said! Bad therapists need to be weeded out. Thanks for your post.

  • Susan

    April 23rd, 2012 at 2:45 PM

    RE: Darla. “We’re not in Kansas anymore”. Here in Maine, the ethics board disciplines therapists who watch the cats of clients in the hospital, or throw tissues at a patient. My therapist assaulted me 11 years ago, retraumatizing my already severe ptsd, and twice they refused to even investigate this therapist who not only assaulted me by using a hypnotic technique on me, but so many other ethics violations (I have a specific list). I gave them names, phone numbers, addresses of peer group members, the supervisor, professionals who verified what she did, and they would not even talk to them!!! When I requested they make her give me copies of session notes, for which I had to pay $64, they threatened to have me arrested. I have been to ALL of the organizations (The NASW yelled at me to get, I quote, “damned help!”). No one in the courts, the police, the maine.gov will move on this. I have severe ptsd, extreme pain and why would one wonder why I can’t WAIT for death!!!! The system sucks. The system is for the therapist, not the client, not believing the client and what goes on behind closed doors. Please, no more suggestions for help…there is none. Just layin around waiting to go. That’s the reality here in Maine.

  • Lisa

    April 24th, 2012 at 7:39 AM

    I have had two therapists who wanted to tell me about their health issues. It didn’t sit right with me so I stopped seeing them. Kind of gave up on therapy after that.

  • admin

    April 24th, 2012 at 10:02 AM

    @ Susan,
    I am truly sorry and saddened to hear about your experiences, and I can only imagine your pain and frustration. It’s seems like you’ve given up and have little hope. Even though it may seem hopeless, and even though you’ve expressed not wanting any more suggestions, I’m going to tell you anyway that I know that there are therapists out there who can provide you with ethical and effective therapy. I know it will take courage to reach out, based on your past experiences, but I really do hope you will find a therapist or support group. I’m not sure if you are in acute crisis, but I’m going to give you the number for the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline anyway. It’s 1-800-273-8255. You can call them if you feel suicidal or in danger of hurting yourself.

  • Darren Haber, MFT

    April 25th, 2012 at 1:43 PM

    I second the post above (#570). Terribly sad to hear of Susan’s experience and I also hope she is able, in spite of the horrific and painful events, to try once more and find help. These painful feelings can create very dim perceptions of life and one’s self that may seem “permanent” but when one is pain, or lonely, it only seems permanent. Dark feelings become a filter affecting one’s view of everything. But that can change. I think the 800 number provided is a good resource if one is feeling in danger of harming oneself.

  • Mary S

    April 26th, 2012 at 8:16 PM

    Some comments on Darren’s advice to Susan (#566) –

    Darren’s idea that therapists follow the “bell curve,” with most in the middle misses an important point: This might be true if you evaluated each therapist on their *average* performance – but there are probably some clients (i.e., some backgrounds and some problems) for which there are few if any helpful therapists.

    Also, if you’re going to therapy in part for social anxiety problems, it’s highly unlikely that you will feel safe or comfortable with any therapist.

    Attentiveness is fine; empathic is good (if it’s “accurate empathy” – that is, if the therapist shows signs of understanding you, rather than just feeling they understand you). But curiosity is definitely not a one-size-fits-all quality. Some people like it, some don’t mind it – but for others, including me, a therapist’s expressing curiosity or interest in them is a boundary violation. To me, it’s using me for their personal gratification. In other words, expressing curiosity or interest needs to be considered an informed consent issue. In my experience, therapists often seem driven by their interest, rather than focusing on what’s important to the client. Certainly, the therapist needs to be open-minded, and especially open to questioning their own assumptions. But this is not the same as curiosity. To be a good therapist for me (and I’m for sure some others – possibly we are in the minority), the therapist needs to put respecting the client’s boundaries above pursuing their own curiosity or interest.

    Also, probably my worst therapist was a trainer at a university counseling center at the time I tried her. This was quite a few years ago, so she might have changed since then. But at the time, she did not practice informed consent at all – she even once said I was asking her to give up her control when I asked questions. She also was extremely lacking in empathy. For example, she said “You gave up your power,” when I said I was somewhat shy.

  • Stef

    April 26th, 2012 at 9:49 PM

    I’ve been reading through all the comments and wanted to share my history. I was sadistically abused by a male family member for 15 years. At 18 I went to someone I thought I could trust,my pastor. He assured me he had proper training. Being so young I took him at his word. It was bad. His idea of helping me was to recreate what had been done to me by my abuser, and use my severe PTSD that i didnt know i had to get me to submit to him. This of course ended badly. Things got out, he got a slap on the wrist and I was kicked out of the church for seducing him. Now I’m not quite sure how what happened could be considered seduction. But at any rate, I left devastated and very suicidal. The sexual abuse had went on for 6 months. He told me I was possessed and the only way I could get better was to follow the unconventional plan God gave him. I was not in my right mind and I did as I was told. I had only turned 18 a couple weeks before it all came out. It was horrible.
    Fast forward 2 years. I’m married with a beautiful child, but everyday all I could think about was ending my life. I felt damaged and broken. Used and dirty and like God would never forgive me because I bought into the lie that it was my fault. Anyway, I knew if I didn’t get help I was going to die at my own hands. I began self injuring, starving myself. I couldn’t sleep because of the nightmares. So one day I got out the phone book and started looking for a licensed therapist. I called several people. I knew it wouldn’t work with them. And then I called the last number on my list. This therapist also specialized in spiritual abuse. I met with him and one of the first things he said to me during my intake was that I was safe with him. That my life had great value and he really felt like he could help me, but it was going to be hard work, painful and arduous. After several sessions he told me I had severe PTSD, and a eating disorder . And that what I was describing as blackouts were actually a form of disassociation. We began a very long journey. As much as I trusted him, I was in and out of therapy for 7 years before I told him about my childhood. I was so terrified of being hurt again. I felt like I had lived a horror movie. I had horrible flashbacks and would be so embarrassed. But he would tell me I had no reason to be embarrassed, that what was happening to me was a very normal reaction to a very abnormal situation. He doesn’t touch, so when I would lose it and think my abuser was in the room with us, he would reassure me of my safety, and then give me a blanket to hold onto. Flashbacks make me every cold. Like teeth chattering cold. He never made me feel like I was a victim. He insisted on using the word survivor. I think mostly because he wanted to empower me. Through the years I have kept seeing him on and off. Started back after my oldest son attempted suicide. My therapist made himself completely available to my husband and I even though he was on vacation , and it was Easter. We have worked together a long time now. And I highly recommend him. I believe with everything in me that he saved my life. His compassionate nature and INSISTANCE that what happened was not my fault kept me from taking my life. My family had always blamed me. Having someone stand up for me and say NO, what he did to you was wrong has been a very healing thing for me. He always makes time for me if I need him. He doesn’t judge me because of what happened with my family abuser, or the pastor. Matter of fact he would have really liked me to press criminal charges against the pastor. But he knew that I was in such a fragile state that a trial might be too much and possibly push me over the edge. He never says what he thinks I want to hear. He says what I need to hear. Like , I do not make men sick. I was just a victim of circumstance. That I am strong, and helped me find my voice and tears. My family member would hurt me worse if I cried or tried to fight. I just had to take it. I didn’t cry for years and finally last week in session , the floodgates opened. I cried and cried, and it was healing. He told me he was proud of me, I was proud of me. I have a long way to go. But I wouldnt take this journey with anyone else. He’s give helped me find my hope and strength. His tough when he needs to be. But gentle at the same time. I have probably recommended 5 or 6 others to him. All that to say, yes my first experience was horrific.It left me broken and damaged. But I made my mind up that I wasn’t going to let my past history kill me. And I couldn’t have done it without my therapist. There are bad apples in the bunch sometimes. But sometimes you find the right person. The person who wants to see you succeed and cares about your future. The person who choose this profession for all the right reasons. I’m thankful to have found my fit. Along with my husband, he has faith in me, that I can overcome the horror of the first 18 years of my life. I believe with everything in me that he really does have my best interest at heart. I never had a positive male role model, it was all about violation and pain. He’s taught me that not all people, not all men are want to hurt me. Rebuilding my life now with his help , and the help of friends.

    Don’t let one bad experience skew your view. There are sick a-holes in every walk of life. You just have to hold on and know you’re worth the fight! I appreciate Darren and Kelly’s views. And their heart to try and right the wrongs done by less than professional “healers”.
    Don’t give up.
    A survivor

  • tina

    April 27th, 2012 at 7:53 AM

    @ Mary S – i think you misunderstand curiosity. it’s not voyeuristic, pushy, or snoopy. curiosity is the opposite of prejudice and judgement. it’s hard to imagine any therapy client preferring a know-it-all therapist who jumps to conclusions over one who approaches people with “beginner’s mind”, openness, interest, and willingness to learn from their client.

  • Stef

    April 27th, 2012 at 8:52 AM

    I would like to add that my T has done one thing on the list. He answered a phone call from his wife during a session. She never calls during his work hours unless it’s a true emergency. I let that call go because I could hear her crying in pain. Apparently she had a perforated bowel and didn’t know it. She ended up in the hospital. He of course left work to go to her. She almost died. Sometimes family situations arise during session hours. And I have answered my cell during session. I always will if it’s one of my children. Because ahead of my needs, IMO, comes thiers. My T doesn’t mind, because I don’t yak. I would never forgive myself if I didn’t answer a call from one of my kids and they were hurt or needed me. I am first and foremost a mother and wife. If my T had a problem with that then he wouldn’t be my T. And I guess I give him the same respect. He’s human, with a wife and children. But no, he doesn’t have a habit of taking phone calls in the midst of session. Given my son’s previous suicide attempt, he feels it’s very appropriate for me to answer my phone.
    I also had a typo on my original post, I went to my pastor when I was 17, not 18. I wanted to clarify that. He said he had been “trained ” as a counselor. And I told him upfront it was concerning sexual abuse. His excuse for what he did to me, which was criminal,was that I seduced him with sex talk. I was brought before the church as a seductress.

    I know there are bad counselors out there. And I understand this is about the bad ones. But there are good ones too. I could have easily given up after my first experience. And for a while I did. But then my will to survive kicked in and I called numerous ones before I called my current therapist. I did phone interviews because given my experience with the pastor, there was no way I was stepping into a potentially unsafe environment. I had to advocate for myself. Maybe I am one of the lucky ones. I just don’t want to see anyone give up hope. Hope is essential.

  • Mary S

    April 27th, 2012 at 11:06 PM

    Stef,
    I am glad to hear that you found a helpful counselor. The pastor’s treatment of you was truly egregious.

    I was not as competent as you at interviewing therapists over the phone. I tried, but was just not competent enough to reject enough of them. I did reject some. And one whom I did not reject turned out to have been deceptive. I asked her over the phone if she let her patients (she was a psychiatrist; I decided to try a psychiatrist after two negative experiences with psychologists) know what she was doing, and she said yes. But she rarely did, and when I asked questions, I got answers like, “I have my reasons,” or “You don’t think I have a grand plan, do you?” or “I’m just trying to put together a puzzle,” or, “You don’t think I let my patients know what I’m doing? Why, I was active in the patients’ rights movement in the sixties.”
    I did improve somewhat with practice at rejecting more over the phone, not going back after one session if it seemed hopeless, and not going back after two sessions if I decided to give them a second chance, but it still didn’t look promising. The more promising ones I did try for several sessions. But so much of what they said and did just didn’t make sense to me. I just didn’t see how it was helpful.

    I think being successful at therapy may require more competence at coping with personal attention, at asking questions, and at oral communication in general than I have. However, those were some of the things that I went to therapy hoping for help with. I have slowly improved to the point where they are not as big a problem in everyday life, but therapy seemed to require those skills more than everyday life.

    Tina,
    Thank you for offering your definition of curiosity. I wish therapists gave their definitions of terms. I sometimes tried to ask when they used a term I was not familiar with, but typically got answers that were very vague. A couple of therapists responded to such questions by saying it was like a certain character in a certain film, which I didn’t find helpful at all. But everyday words which therapists use in different ways than I am used to can be especially problematical – for example, I would never have guessed that curiosity meant “the opposite of prejudice and judgment.” The therapists I have tried tended to seem know-it-all, treat me like a stereotype, jump to conclusions, and/or unwilling to learn from the client. Talking with them often seemed like talking into a black hole. But at the same time, many of them were what I would call curious (or pursuing their interest), in a way that seemed to be treating me as an object, and ignoring or dismissing what was important to me. I have encountered the phrase “beginner’s mind” in my reading about therapy, and my recollection is that the way it was explained there, it sounded like a positive quality. But in some sense the therapists I have tried have seemed like beginners in a negative sense – most of the things they said, and most of the questions they asked, seemed overly simplistic to me, which made it especially difficult for me to respond to them. I just was not competent in the ways that therapy requires. Catch 22.

  • Stef

    April 28th, 2012 at 10:11 PM

    @Mary S

    I can’t take full credit for interviewing the T’s on the phone. My husband helped me come up with the idea. I used the phone book because I had never been in real therapy ,had no referrals. I just wrote down some local numbers. I had a few offers of sliding scale therapy since I had no insurance. At least two of them said that they were counselors and ministers. That naturally was a huge no go for me. So I called the last number… When I learned he was a LPC and had a masters in education, I felt like I had a found someone knowledgable. Especially given the “spiritual incest” that I had dealt with. Finding out spiritual abuse was one of his specialties, I felt,along with my husband that this was the right place to start.
    I have worked with D on and off for 15 years now. And yes that is a long time. But it hasmt been just for me. He’s helped me in dealing with my son who is bipolar. Later my youngest son was dx’ed with high functioning Autism. D helped me find people who could help him, and went to battle with me when the school did not want to address his needs. I am 35. I spent over half my life being sexually abused, neglected (mom was alcoholic) taught false views of myself. In addition to the pastor thing. And originally only talked to him about pastor. I was terrified my abuser would find out if I told and punish me. It took 7 years for me to finally tell him. He said he had suspected as much. He has spent the last 10 years sort of reparenting me. Odd as it sounds , I am a good mother. But I had no clue how to take care of myself. And when I say reparenting me I mean untangling the mess that was in my head. The convoluted view I had of myself. The guilt I felt, as if it was my fault. I was bad. He works hard to drown those negative voices away and replace them with safe positive views. I have pretty severe PTSD and issues with disassociation. So I am also learning how to control the panic , and ground myself so I don’t disassociate. I don’t want anyone takes this wrong, but my sexual abuse was far from the norm. And I won’t get into it because it’s highly triggering. But according to research , and articles I’ve read people like me can spend years in therapy. Some T’s won’t even see people like me. But my T said from the beginning he would not abandon me. I’m never going to be “normal”. I have accepted that and I’m okay with it. And as long as D is willing to work with me, I will stick with him. Some of us are more resilient than others. It’s genetic and chemical.

    Don’t be so hard on yourself. It’s difficult to change. It’s hard to feel safe once you’ve been betrayed by someone who was supposed to help you. And that betrayal makes it even harder to be assertive at times. I’m not great with communication either. Talking is very hard for me( about my history) so I journal a lot and send those journals to my T. This way he knows what’s going on, can read my mood better, and it helps him to initiate the conversation that needs to happen without me having to do it. He’s fine with me initiating, and during my good times, I can. But he knows when I’ve been triggered talking is so difficult for me. I want to talk, the words are in my head but I can not force them out of my mouth if that makes sense. Those are the moments that the journals are very helpful. Journaling helps me tell the secrets I’m afraid to tell, without internalizing it so much or feeling so scared.

    Sorry, I tend to write a lot. LOL… But I think the biggest thing for me , is that my T has such a great deal of empathy for his clients. He is naturally compassionate. And that’s what I recommend people look for in a T. I wouldn’t want to take this journey with someone who only saw me as a paycheck. I’ve never felt like that. Matter of fact, there was a short time that I was I crisis but simply didn’t have the money to pay. He had me come in anyway. My life was more important to him than the check. I of course later took care of it. I guess I’m just saying therapy feels more natural and works better, at least for me, with a T who feels genuinely invested in their client. One who REALLY cares about their clients and want to see them succeed. Not one who looks irritated every time they see me and seem disinterested in helping me. My old psychiatrist was like that. Even told me he didn’t believe in my dx. I told him he was a jackass and never went back. Then my T had words with him. I’m now with a very sweet woman who charges less than the original jerk. And doesn’t rush through the appointment even though she only handles my meds. So I know there are really bad ones out there. But there are also really good ones. I’m positive that there is someone like that for you. You just need to find them.
    Stef

  • Linda

    April 29th, 2012 at 6:51 AM

    I have been seeing a therapist only twice so far. When I saw her yesterday she was asking me how I felt and I was telling her. I have had problems with social cues, and I had been bullied in the workplace recently and even was in the hospital over the situation; I have depression, OCD, ADHD and Anxiety that I see a psychiatrist for. Anyway she was “drawing” me out you could say like “how do you feel” types of questions and it seemed she was listening and I felt myself purging my feelings and trusting her. Then she says to me “your coming across as a “poor me”. That really upset me. I suffer from depression and she made me feel like I was just feeling sorry for myself after she drew out my feelings. When I told her of the child abuse I went through she remarked “in those days that was considered normal (I was physically and verbally abused – not sexually)” and made me feel minimized; like she dismissed it as if it didn’t count or something. She was saying how my feelings of inadequacy being around people are just excuses. I left there feeling much worse than when I got there and then later that evening I got really angry! The first meeting wasn’t so great either when I told her the steps I took to get transferred out of the place I was being bullied in and she says “you can’t do that!” Well I did do that and I got transferred. Had I listened and not done it, I would be in the same bad environment at work. I don’t think a psychologist should tell a patient things like that. I am not going back to see her a third time. If that is therapy, I don’t need it! She is EAP through my job though it’s an outside company. I found her comments to me judgmental.

  • Stephanie E. Vang

    April 29th, 2012 at 11:24 AM

    I would like to say I find it very unfortunate that we educate professionals who often don’t work in an honest and caring way towards those who are in their care and suffering.

  • stef

    April 29th, 2012 at 12:20 PM

    @ Linda

    “coming across as poor me”??!! What the heck. You were sharing, and you are most likely grieving over the loss of what you feel about your childhood. I wish you all lived near me. My T is the owner of the center, and he has 13 other fantastic counselors there as well. He would NOT put up with that.

    Depression is horrible. It’s tiring. It causes physical and emotional pain. It can consume you. You need a T who understands the strains that depression and anxiety causes. She doesn’t seem to have a grasp of that. I am so sorry she made you feel worse.

    Stef

  • Mary S

    April 29th, 2012 at 4:33 PM

    @Stef

    Thanks for your kind words. I’d been working on learning to be assertive and related problems for a year or so on my own before attempting therapy. I was quite proud of my progress; the thought of therapy would have been terrifying without it. (It was still pretty scary.) But it turned out that I needed those assertiveness, etc. skills even more in therapy than in ordinary life, and actually ended up worse than I was before therapy in that regard (as well as others).

    I journaled, too – that helped keep me at least a little sane through one particularly bad (for me) therapist. Sometimes I tried reading to her from the journals, but she just sat there with an amused, patronizing smile. My problem is not so much that the words were in my head but I couldn’t force them out; it was more that when the therapist said something that was surprising to me, that didn’t make sense to me, I just sit there feeling shocked and speechless. But in some sessions I would just babble forth so that the therapist wouldn’t have a chance to say anything – I so feared what they said.

    Since you mention that your son was dx’d with high functioning autism, I’ll mention something that I have hesitated to mention here, namely that I sometimes wonder if I am in that category. Part of the reason is that I tend to feel more comfortable (more “at home”) reading things on websites by people with Asperger’s than I do reading things on websites about therapy. I recently took an Asperger’s Quotient questionnaire I found on the web, and was very surprised that I scored very high – higher than most people with Asperger’s. Looking on the web about the possibility of seeking a diagnosis, I found that the state of the art is that there are no diagnostic techniques for adults. (I am in my late sixties, and was in my early forties when I first tried therapy.)

    I think some of my therapists have thought they had empathy for me, but I am guessing that some of the things they saw as expressions of empathy were some of the things that I found the most shocking. For example, the same therapist I’ve mentioned before once said, “My clients’ pain is precious to me,” when I tried to explain how I seemed to be getting worse in response to therapy. That seemed sadistic and shocking to me. Yet when I told that (and some other things the therapist had said that seemed shocking or inappropriate to me) to another therapist about five years later, the later therapist said that those things showed that the earlier therapist felt close to me, so she (the later therapist) didn’t see what the problem was.

    Another time, I tried to tell the earlier therapist about how her behavior seemed so invasive to me. I used the metaphor of a parasite (the image in my mind was the leech-like thing that invaded the bodies and minds of people in the Alien films), and she responded, “I resent that!” (the exclamation point expresses her tone of voice), which also seemed shocking and inappropriate to me. In the next session, I asked her why she had said that. She said that she was trying to show me that it was OK to show my feelings. That didn’t make any sense at all to me; it seemed to show me just the opposite.

    So much in therapy just didn’t make sense to me.

    @ Linda
    Out of time now, but will respond to your post later.

  • Linda

    April 30th, 2012 at 10:12 AM

    @ Stef

    Thank you so much for your encouraging words. Sounds like you have been through such horrifying experiences. I couldn’t imagine. I am glad you have the right therapist to help you. That minister did you worse by taking advantage of the situation.

    The only thing that I ever experienced which is not exactly sexual abuse is when I was going through puberty, my stepfather would walk in the bathroom when I was in there on purpose to embarrass me. Once when he came in the bathroom I immediately clutched a towel around me and he yanked it off and there I was naked and so powerless and embarrassed. He was mad and said “There ain’t nothin’ on you that I haven’t seen” and when I was 12 going on 13 I was developing and he would walk in the bathroom each time I would take a
    bath as an excuse to get something out of the medicine cabinet or look for something. I would draw up my knees and hug them tight so nothing on me would show. The very last time he did this I remember my mother saying “Are you going to do that when she’s 16?” and he never did that again.

    But he was physical abusive. He punched me right in the mouth when I was 6 and half asleep (I would rock my head back and forth and hum to myself to get back to sleep and I guess it woke him up and made him mad) and I remember the punch and my bottom lip was split wide open and it took a long time to heal.

    My mother told me she came home one time when I was a toddler and found me with a bruised handprint mark on
    the side of my face where my stepfather had slapped me. (when I told the therapist that, she said that it was considered normal for things like that to happen in those days – I’m 55 so this happened in 1958 though I don’t remember but my mom told me I was a toddler).

    He said things to me like “to me you don’t exist” and one thing that hurt me which sounds trivial is once he was giving my sister a cookie when we were playing outside. It was those marshmallow coconut macaroons. And my younger sister was his favorite and he says “Lorrie gets a fuzzy one!” and I was playing and saw him give her the cookie. I went up to him like maybe he would give me one too and he said very sarcastically “You don’t get none!” That never left me. Every time I would fail at something or not get what I achieved I think of this as his prophecy or something. I know it’s trivial but the things that stick to a kid’s brain is something else.

    My mother was also verbally abusive though she didn’t physically abuse us. But she could really put you down. So many things that she said over the years had hurt me badly. It was evident she didn’t want us 4 kids and she would always complain about having 4 kids and I didn’t know where babies came from, I thought you bought them at the store (silly me) and I kept wondering if you didn’t want us then why did you go get us?

    When I was 10 the OCD symptoms started and I didn’t understand it. It got really bad. It was the hand washing thing. But they didn’t know anything about it back then. The symptoms would come and go and when I was 25 for two months I flipped out over it. I was so incapacitated by it and I had a 5 year old daughter to raise alone. The last time I flipped out was in November 2001 and it was so bad, my neighbor heard me screaming and called my daughter. This time I got medication from a doctor and it took a year to recover and I am on the medication to this day. I had the type of OCD that convinced me that I harmed others or could harm others. It was so bad I couldn’t go to the store because when I would leave after paying for my purchases, I would be convinced I stole the items and I would have to go back in the store and ask if I paid for them. I couldn’t touch my granddaughter for a year because I thought I could harm her. She was 3 and didn’t understand why she couldn’t hug grandma. I am so grateful the medications I take help me so much. One psychologist said something that I take comfort in (she retired years back) but she said that people with OCD that are afraid of doing something bad never do and there are no exceptions. So I repeat that to myself if I glitch at times.

    The day I saw this mean therapist I was dealing with worsening depression. After I got bullied in the workplace it really threw me to the breaking point. I started taking Wellbutrin the other day and it’s day 3 on it and I feel better. I had taken it before but when my dr put me on ADHD meds, he took away the Wellbutrin because both meds raise blood pressure. Well after the bullying incident, I got crying spells and got weepy and tired and I asked my dr if I could take the Wellbutrin again. So I had only taken it that one day when I saw that awful therapist. After 3 days on it, though I feel it is working for me.

    The bullying at work started in December and by mid March I was pushed to the point to where I was put in the hospital for 3 days. I was put on 6 weeks medical leave. During that time, I was transferred to another division. Today is my last day of leave and I start my new job tomorrow. I am very nervous. The bullying took away my confidence so I am going to have to pretend I am confident. I am glad I am taking the right combination of meds to get me through the work day now. I don’t need that therapist anyway. How dare she say that to me? Just because you were abused in the 50s as opposed to now, and it was considered normal then but not tolerated now doesn’t make it any less painful.

    I hope you are doing well. I am glad I found this blog. Once I posted on it, I felt relief! Not all therapists are good. My shrink is great! But he thinks I need therapy but I will have to look elsewhere.

  • Mary S

    April 30th, 2012 at 8:06 PM

    @Linda,

    I agree with Stef that “coming across as poor me” was entirely inappropriate for your (ex) therapist to say. It does sound like she was setting you up by asking you questions about your feelings then making a remark like that. The therapist’s job is to help you through your difficult times, and gradually help you to learn to cope better on your own. But a good therapist realizes that that takes time, especially when there are multiple problems to deal with.

    I’m glad to hear you decided not to go back to that therapist. I lived through the fifties, and can vouch that it was * not * considered normal then for an adult to punch a child in the mouth or slap their face. Spanking was at that time considered an acceptable punishment if a child had done something wrong, but only on the fleshy part of the behind. And more often parents threatened to spank if the child continued to misbehave rather than actually do it. Nuns were reported to slap children on the hand with a ruler, but I think this was also more often a threat rather than an actual punishment.

  • Scarlett

    May 3rd, 2012 at 1:15 AM

    My therapist was so toxic and committed so many of the above mistakes (prob 40 out of 50) that I actually had to “bail” on him today. For one, he has the habit of answering his phone at least 4 times during our session and talks for MINUTES on end, and then next thing u know, we only have 15 minutes left where he only talks about my problems for about 10 minutes and the rest he talks about himself. This after, he has made me wait at least 30 minutes to see him!. Also, I felt like he has ruined my self esteem and has made it worse. I was actually perfectly confident in my abilities and talents and looks (which mind u, took me YEARS to feel that way about myself), to only have it ruined by him. He would question the way I dress every day and wondered why I dressed so well (huh???), and when I would tell him about my talents, he would laugh it off and say mean things like “Oh ur theatre teacher probably lied about saying u had any talent” (I’m an actress)…WHO SAYS THESE THINGS TO A PATIENT???. He would basically squash any bit of self-esteem I had and I would always leave there feeling like total crap. He would also do the blame game–blame me for everyone else’s problems which truly weren’t my fault. Also, he would rarely do any eye contact and constantly talk about himself. I feel like he was projecting his own insecurities and beliefs onto me. Like I would tell him that I felt like my past promiscuity wasn’t really in my personality to do that, and I was only being sexual cuz I was in so much mental anguish and he basically tried to convince me that it was OK to be overly sexual when I felt that it was wrong and didn’t go with my beliefs and wouldn’t make me feel better. Later on, I looked him up online to learn of his credentials cuz I did not trust him anymore ONLY to accidently find naked photos of him on a site being sexual with other men. So now onder he was projecting his sexual beliefs onto me. Now, even tho I left him, the damage is done cuz now I feel a million times worse about myself and feel like a failure and am now on a mission to find another therapist who’ll help me becuz I’m now back to square one which took me years to get to.

  • Angel

    May 5th, 2012 at 10:46 AM

    I’ve been in therapy for 4 years and I recently started feeling controlled by my therapist for not liking that I seek out other types of personal growth work. She got upset with me for wanting to join a Gestalt group and feels that I split myself and avoid going deeper with her by getting distracted with other types of personal growth work. I see them as supporting, she sees them as distracting and this has effected my ability to open up to her. Does anyone have advise? Thanks – I find this blog very helpful and supportive.

  • Darren Haber, MFT

    May 6th, 2012 at 7:34 PM

    Hi all, thank you for writing such candid posts; Angel I can’t imagine why a therapist would get “upset” about you exploring other avenues of self-exploration and growth. Frankly it baffles me. Even if she were somehow questioning the direction of the therapy, I honestly think a therapist worth his salt will examine his or her OWN role in what’s going on in the therapy before blaming the patient; sounds like blame is being dished out in your direction here. In fact, I’d hazard a very tentative guess that you may be seeking other types of growth work because she may feel a bit controlling to you, or perhaps the therapeutic “vibe” is a tad stifling? Maybe it was more subtle before; now you sense it more dramatically with this recent turn of events. (This is just a guess and it could be off.) I find it questionable when the therapist has a specific “agenda” for how long term therapy is “supposed” to go. According to who? What happened to collaboration? It sounds like she is acting as an authority figure and not handling her frustration appropriately; or having rigid ideas of how things “should” be rather than flexibly exploring what you’re needing now or enthused about. I’d say it’s a very healthy sign that you are exploring these other possibilities, if I were your therapist I would encourage you while also checking in on how YOU feel how therapy is going, and if you felt there could be some way we could work differently to maximize benefit for you (not my “agenda”) or adjust or explore things we hadn’t before, etc. If you’re feeling controlled I think it’s imperative you discuss this with your therapist honestly; I say “cut to the chase”, esp as it’s been 4 years and you need to feel safe. If you don’t feel safe, or heard, or understood, or encouraged in your explorations — it’s not as if you’re deciding to go take drugs, for goodness sake! — then it may be time to interview other therapists and see if you feel more comfortable and encouraged. Feeling controlled is exactly what you don’t want in therapy. Hope that helps. Take care and best of luck to you. Darren.

  • Darren Haber, MFT

    May 6th, 2012 at 7:44 PM

    Hi Scarlett, gosh what a horrible experience. I would encourage you to report this person because it sounds very inappropriate, completely unprofessional and bordering on harrassment. I’m not sure if posting nude photos is illegal if one is a therapist but it does, at the very least, show shockingly poor judgement and a disturbing lack of boundaries. (In some states it would be cause to lose one’s license.) It sounds like you were the stronger, healthier one in this relationship. Whatever negative feelings you’re having, rest assured they are appropriate because this guy sounds like a total creep and should not be practicing, and emotionally abused you. This was not about you, it was about his own unresolved issues and you are very insightful to say they reflect his insecurities. Maybe you could look up a therapist on this website or interview 2 or 3 different therapists before committing to a new one; if any of them are anything less than shocked and disturbed by this guy’s behavior, or if they fail to reassure you they will never treat you this poorly, do NOT see them again. You are most definitely not a failure because you a) recognized being seriously mistreated and took action and b) are reaching out to share your experience rather than live with it by yourself. That takes real courage and I am impressed. Clearly some part of you recognizes you deserve better and I do hope you find it soon as possible. Kindest wishes to you. Darren.

  • Darren Haber, MFT

    May 7th, 2012 at 3:39 PM

    To Linda, I’m really glad you left that idiot therapist you were seeing (as described in post #578). Of course you should have left that job! In fact I honestly think the people posting here would make far better therapists or counselors than the charlatans they’ve unfortunately encountered. I really hope your new job goes ok; it sounds like you have a great deal of insight and wisdom as to what you need to do to begin healing from the traumatic abuse you had to endure as a youngster. I am sorry to hear about it but glad you are taking the right steps to keep yourself going in a safe direction. Thanks for sharing your experiences so honestly here.

  • Sam

    May 8th, 2012 at 3:43 PM

    Hi all

    I’m a former client, abused by a therapist. Never thought it could happen to me. Never realized how vulnerable an abusive therapist could make me or anyone til it happened.
    .
    Several years on now and reading all these horrible histories it makes me wonder if therapy is worth anything. I am so sad reading what others have said. The ways and means of abusing are so similar. The therapist I saw did all those things in the list and invented more even.
    .
    I decided to complain. What an almighty runaround that was. When the chips were down, there was no help or protection from the licensing board. None. In fact they treated me almost as badly as the therapist did. It was sheer evil and disgusting.
    .
    So I went to law. It’s a long, grisly process and you have to divulge everything about yourself and about the therapist’s abuse. It’s very unpleasant.
    .
    But I won. The case was really won before we got to court. The evidence was overwhelmingly against the therapist.
    .
    Yet please note that she’d lied through her teeth and made up notes and all sorts of other dirty tricks. I don’t know in what insane world she lives that she thought she could possibly get away with it what with all the hard evidence.
    .
    But there may be an answer to that question: incredibly, the licensing board supported her. In spite of all the evidence. The therapist obviously felt sure that they would be supportive. These people are not on the client’s side. Never believe that they are.
    .
    The legal process is much more rigorous and fairer. And my experience was proven, the abuse was proven, in a court of law. I won. I’m just waiting for the damages check now. It’s larger than I imagined it would be.
    .
    But I didn’t do it for the money. Not at all. I just wanted a proper acknowledgement and an apology for the abuse.
    .
    Instead the therapist lied and lied, and the board chose to believe her. They were adding to the abuse. (Help me out here you psychologist people – is this what they call ‘co-abuse’?)
    .
    That’s why I sued mainly – for acknowledgement of the abuse, apology and to see justice done. (Now the licensing board is worried because they tried to cover up the abuse and protect an abuser. They should be worried.)
    .
    So now the therapist is losing her license and her job. It seems fair to me. Also it’s fair because it means that she will no longer be able to take advantage of vulnerable patients (I was not the first person she’d abused. But I was the first to have the courage to report her and take the report to the court.)
    .
    What do I feel about therapy now?
    Well, I was always very positive about talk therapy. After the abuse I had a lot of time to really think about it all. My views have changed a lot.
    .
    I wouldn’t put myself in that position of being open to a therapist again. Especially not at such a time in my life when I was so vulnerable. You have to be strong to go into therapy!
    .
    Since that awful experience, I met loads of people who’d been abused by therapists. Our stories are shockingly similar. There must be a therapist abuse course that they all do secretely somewhere! But it was horrible to hear other people’s stories yet weirdly reassuring: if others have suffered the same sort of thing then ‘it’s not me! It was her!’
    .
    Also, I think that therapists can cause more problems than you had when you started. I think that’s the nature of therapy. I think too many work to create dependencies. There’s too much mystification and mind-bending for self gain. I also think that many therapists are more bent out of shape than their clients. (Apologies to the good therapists who’ve posted here. But there are too few of you and far too many of the abusive type.)
    .

    I also think that the licensing board actually cynically put me through all the hell and runarounds to run me out of time for legal action. That’s just plain unethical and nasty. But I wouldn’t put anything past these people now.
    .
    I know it’s incredibly difficult to get out of bad therapy. But you know what? I’d say now that if you have the slightest concern about your therapist RUN. FAST. Don’t give him/her another thought. Really. I took back my power. If I could do it from where I was in a very deep and dark hole then I reckon most patients could too.
    .
    And then sue them. Get them out of circulation so that they can’t do any more harm to people who are already hurting. Remember that if they can abuse one patient then they probably abuse many more of their patients. I’m sure the good therapists would definitely agree.
    .
    I don’t think I’d ever get into therapy again. I still have the traumatic stress and depression and worse in some ways now. But I can tell you that winning the case was better than a month of therapy and a ton of zoloft!!
    .
    Best of everything to everyone here – and thanks so much for posting your stories and advice. It’s really helpful.

  • Susan

    May 8th, 2012 at 8:30 PM

    @Sam. You couldn’t have told the story better! Especially concerning the licensing boards. They are NOT there for the clients. I was actually assaulted and there should have been an arrest. However, I have been battling the OLR, everyone for going on 11 years now and nothing. So I am tired. At 60,after all this and not ONE person on my side, I am truly exhausted. I am glad you were able to find and possibly afford a lawyer. I have no money for a lawyer; and no other lawyer would take the case. I’ve even written the governor of Maine; the newspapers, the courts, the police. Nothing. I am unimportant, a lesson I have learned well. No “don’t give up’s” please. I have. I would never harm myself, but I am just sitting here now waiting….it will never be too soon for me. The ineptness, lack of education and caring within these organizations that are to protect us, is appalling. And how the therapist can live with what she did must make herself a psychopath and I hope she rots in hell for what she has done.

  • Susan

    May 8th, 2012 at 8:38 PM

    @Sam. Oh, and I must add, the Maine OLR disciplined a therapist for watching the cat of a client in the hospital; yet they couldn’t give my ongoing complaint for all of these years of pain, a single investigation.

  • RL

    May 9th, 2012 at 10:50 AM

    Sam, that is awesome! I also contacted the State Board and Filed a complaint, they did nothing…this Psychologist pushed me against a wall, tried to say I had 2 other personalities (huh?) and then would not tell me why she would say that..then she terminated me with a letter mailed to my work, she would not give me my file…took cash money from me when I over paid her…sent me letters in the mail to my business after I told her not to do that with her name on the envelope (she did it anyway) she said she would have her spy’s come and check out my restaurant and they would tell her what they thought…(why?) she called and left a message to my new therapist to have her call her she needed to give her information about me (my new therapist played me the message) she wanted to put blame on me…I was the “problem” the sick little girl as she called me..(nice) I think we all need to get together and fight these Idiots!!!! stand up to the board..this is a crime that these “professionals” are getting away with…it’s soul rape…we are paying for it 2 way’s….

  • Susan

    May 9th, 2012 at 2:29 PM

    what really puzzles me, is the NASW. The National Association of Social Workers. They are the ones that have come up with the CODE OF ETHICS. Yet, they have no say in what happens to a SW who violates these codes. I have made my own list of all of the violations by the therapist I was seeing; by her supervisor and by her peer group members. Why do they have charge of this when they can do nothing? And in fact don’t seem to care that ethics codes are being violated. I spoke to the chapter president who became so frustrated because she screwed up (long story), she told me “to get some damned help”. Are you kidding me?! Besides violations, the chapters and organization is being run by people who are uneducated and have no empathy for the pain a client is in. They should not be able to set regulations then have no say in the licensing and control of these regulations. I have written the NASW many many times, and they never reply.

  • Susan

    May 9th, 2012 at 7:59 PM

    @Sam .Sam, I am curious – were you financially able to hire a lawyer, if not, how did you find one to help you? I so desparately want one, but have no money and fear time statues have passed during all my fighting and investigation into the truth. Thanks.

  • RL

    May 9th, 2012 at 9:44 PM

    I was thinking about the same thing HOW TO GET AN ATTORNEY!!!!!…In the mean time I suggest every person here that was abused or there life was altured by these people forward this blog to your old therapist…

  • Anne Marie

    May 14th, 2012 at 10:33 AM

    I think two other warning signs of questionable therapy are:

    1. A counsellor who does not demonstrate or promote healthy boundary setting. For example, I had a counselor say recently in response to my question on what are healthy boundaries “Healthy boundaries, Hmm. Well I suppose some could say that’s a weakness in my own life and something I should work on, but I think boundaries set expectations and if you set expectations you are setting yourself up for frustrations. Unconditional love really doesn’t have boundaries.” I was irate by this answer as I was asking in the context of a situation of emotional abuse with my partner and she was not supportive of my concerns about disrespectful and demeaning communication patterns.

    2. A counselor who does not stop a session at the 1 hour mark and proceeds to charge you for the full duration of your visit. For example this same therapist allowed us to stay until we said we had to go which was at the 2hour mark, and then she charged us 2x her hourly rate. She had no motivation for containing the therapy within time limits as she charged more the longer we stayed.

    I stopped therapy immediately after that session.

  • Marsha

    May 14th, 2012 at 10:01 PM

    OK. Child abuse by dad(ex) – court ordered family counseling (mainly dad, daughter and psychologist), AND court ordered coparent counseling.

    I could write a book – will save…for now daughter increasingly shut down in family counseling. Won’t speak. Counselor uses this to get sup. visits going again (since daughter won’t speak “we’ll just have the make the decisions around her”)

    Their last session – 3 days ago – an uproar happened. I was outside and therapist and daughter come out – daughter goes to car and locks it. I talk to therapist (???). She said daughter got up to leave the room, and that she blocked the door. Daughter grabbed her to move her. Unfortunately she had long nails had so now there are “scars” according to therapist. I am in full agreement we meet to discuss the physical touch was NOT OK – absolutely not how I teach my child.

    AND – 45 minute drive home my usually composed 13 year old is freaking out. Her dad once locked her in a closet for 2 hours and she kind of paniced and regressed (in the car) to being locked in a room with him.

    I don’t want to disavow responsibility for her physical reaction. However daughter is stuck at – if she blocks me again, I’d do it again.

    In private conversation with therapist I let her know
    1. I am not OK with the physicality either
    2. I am also not OK with her blocking the door – possible solution?” have a group session where adults make it clear daughter does NOT get to walk out of a session unless things are really bad.

    The response was not supportive – it never is with this therapist. She’s really nice and easy-going in some ways – but we are here for child abuse and why would she even think of physically blocking daughter?

    Also has told daughter (after various discussions) “no one will force you to be with your dad outside family counseling” – 2 weeks later she’s back to “she’s playing you (meaning me)” – pretty much invalidating the truth of any fear daughter has around her dad.

    I want to trust this therapist – its been one and half year. My daughter went from loving her (rare) to hating the whole thing and thinking its BS. My concern is not to get too involved as ex is actively accusing all the issues on PAS…and the coparent counselor takes that very seriously (much more so than the child abuse)…and

    I am a mother. I can’t tell if my daughter is being damaged…she now refuses to go to any counseling or sup. visits (which my attorney warned me year and half ago often happens) so I don’t know how to “safely respond” to this therapist demands – I MUST get her in this Friday and Monday – we must make a huge deal there is no excuse for the physical grabbing (I’m OK with that) but NO awknowledgement of she’s the therapist here and she keeps taking steps to blow daughters trust – over and over and over. And she is saying I am getting sucked in by feeling empathy for my daughter. Yeah, I was the one in the car trip home with a usually ‘together’ girl regressed into a sobbing six year old girl who couldn’t stop saying “can’t block me, can’t block me…” and then “I am never going back” on and on.

    Sorry so long. I truly do not know what to do – if anything. If daughter refuses we’ll end up in court again with new therapists – daughter won’t speak to anyone anymore. This is her third unsuccessful round of therapy and its just not working. (But everyone needs to find a way for her to connect to dad – thats the #1 priority)

  • margarets

    May 15th, 2012 at 7:38 AM

    Marsha, you’ve got to get your daughter away from that therapist. She sounds nuts and your daughter’s shutting down is a CLEAR sign that therapy is not helping and is probably hurting her. (In addition to abuse and forced visits with her abusive father! Yikes!)

    I had some similar experiences to your daughter’s when I was the same age (not the therapist blocking the door part) and honestly, having been there, this is what I would advise: Make a private agreement with your daughter that she only has to go to the court-ordered therapists (definitely get a new one) and the supervised visits to her father until the law allows her to refuse outright, which has got to be age 16 if not earlier. (I had that option at age 14.) Give her permission to go through the motions, i.e. just show up for these useless sessions, but not engage with it. The moment the court orders expire, she’s done and never has to go back. Just make sure she knows not to tell anyone else about this agreement – the court and therapist will be all over it.

    Your daughter isn’t stupid – she is wisely trying to avoid contact with someone who has already harmed her. If later on she is interested in having contact with her father, she can make that choice then. For now, why can’t everyone just respect her wishes?

  • margarets

    May 15th, 2012 at 7:52 AM

    Just to add – no one can make your daughter connect with her father. Forcing her to be in the same room with him at prescribed times will achieve nothing of value, but will likely make things worse. It’s like all the adults want her to ignore/suppress her true feelings so as to go along with THEIR agenda. It won’t work; her feelings will just express themselves in another way – an unhealthy way, that might not show up for years.

    The fact is, the father did serious damage to his relationship with his daughter and it may not be possible to repair it. Ever. SHE was the one who suffered abuse, so SHE sets the timetable for healing and reconciliation. Not him, not any other adults.

  • Soricel

    May 16th, 2012 at 12:45 PM

    I worked with a counselor in my senior year of high school on issues I had from past abuse and then-current problems. The only issue I had was that he was one of my teachers. (I saw him after school, not in an actual therapy setting) This meant, since I was underage at the time, that there were certain things he had to steer me away from talking about, or warn me about talking about (mostly about the abuse I had gone through), because by law he would be forced to report them. This sort of limited some of the things we could work on, but he was still very empathetic and very helpful to me. If I could afford to see another counselor (or even him, since he’s now working for a practice), I definitely would.

  • Jessica

    May 16th, 2012 at 4:53 PM

    I saw a therapist for the first time today and am thinking it might not be a good fit. I told her my family background and problems that I was having communicating with my spouse and she told me that I didn’t know how to choose “a man” and needed to get a divorce, that I was a bully and that I shouldn’t have children because I would ruin them by constantly being all over their case. Needless to say I came home and cried. Is this appropriate?

  • sb

    May 16th, 2012 at 8:00 PM

    What about a counselor that continually says hurtful things to you and when you told them they hurt, he continues to come up with the same kind of hurtful comments. What if when you decide to stop seeing him after the hurtful things that were said, he emails you and says “sorry it didn’t work out” when you’ve been in counseling with him for nearly 3 years and he knows you inside out, should he have eased you out of counseling. What if he did things that confused you on whether he was your friend or therapist. What if he was just really wrong about a lot of other things but refuses to even discuss your hurts and concerns with you and just stops speaking to you. What if he knows how deeply you were depressed and then just stops speaking to you only because you expressed your hurts about the things he was saying. What if he is also a member of the staff at a church you belong to…is it okay for him to ignore you and stop speaking to you altogether? What if you were in counseling with him nearly 3 years and you were depressed to the point of suicide and he doesn’t care about anything about you or speaking to you or asking how you are only because you expressed to him how his words have hurt you, been unsympathetic, and said without thinking first. What if he asked you “when are you going to stop being a victim” “why can’t you be happy” “you need to wear a dress once in a while”

  • Darren Haber, MFT

    May 20th, 2012 at 4:58 PM

    Hi Jessica, NO that is not appropriate in the slightest. What he said is way out of line. I think anytime you leave feeling insulted and/or judged, it’s time to look elsewhere. Your notion of it not being a “good fit” sounds right on target to me! And sb, I am sorry you had such a terrible experience. 3 years is a long time. None of what you said he did was ok, he sounds abusive. Frankly I would call your state licensing board and discuss reporting him because it sounds highly unprofessional and like he abandoned you in a time of crisis. Sounds like he also tried to have a “dual relationship” with you (i.e. a “friend” as well as therapist) which is grounds for revocation here in California. I really hope you are able to find someone who cares about you and treats you with the compassion and respect you deserve.

  • Sylvia

    May 21st, 2012 at 3:22 PM

    @RL
    RL, you suggested forwarding this blog to our former therapists who did us wrong. I do feel like doing it, many times. But then again I think at best such message will be ignored. Do you really think it’s worthwhile and, if so, what’s the way to do it? I mean what would you write to them (if anything)?

    @Darren
    Darren, I know I am addressing it quite late, but just wanted to clear up, as it seemed to me there might have been some communication breakdown, and as sometimes there are many posts uploaded at once, it’s easy to get lost. Saying “I meant ‘sarcastic'” in post no. 358, I was referring to a spelling mistake in my earlier post (no. 531, where I wrote ‘sarcasting’ instead of ‘sarcastic’), and that was all there was to it. I explained it, but it could have been unclear or you could have skipped it because maybe it simply got lost in other posts.

  • SB

    May 21st, 2012 at 9:29 PM

    Darren: I’s relieving to know someone is on my side. He goes to my church and is on staff and ignores me. I sent him an email to tell him how well I am doing now and he totally ignored it. You would think as a Christian he would have some compassion and answer. I complained about not being eased out of counseling. They then sent me a letter, told me it was terminating me and giving me referrals. I put “return to sender” on it when I got it. He then sent it certified mail. Certified mail – If that isn’t threatening to someone???? Geesh. Seems like he just wanted to stick the knife in and turn it around and around….it’s been almost 3 months and I’m still so upset from it. I have found another counselor and he’s great. He’s helped me in 2 months what the first could not help me in 3 years. 1st just went around and around in circles never getting anywhere and he allowed it to go that way…just upsetting me more and more. I had finally had enough. I thought about the situation tonight and just cried. It’s still so hurtful.

    RL: I thought about your idea myself tonight, forwarding it to the T. Just think myself that it would be ignored.

    Darren: another question. Could his attorney have told him not to talk to me ever again? Could he just be worried about a complaint? I don’t know what I did that was so horrible to have him not ever speak to me again. I know it’s all him … but he makes me feel like I’m at fault.

  • SB

    May 21st, 2012 at 9:31 PM

    P.S. I never picked up the certified letter either. I asked them if there was anything in the letter that would hurt me further and they did not answer me. They ignored me. So I wasn’t going to risk being hurt again. I returned them unopened. The since have done nothing. The whole church staff was on his side. He was so wrong.

  • RL

    May 22nd, 2012 at 11:19 AM

    I will be sending this blog site to 2 therapist…I don’t care if I’m ignored, I do know that both of these Therapist are very egoistital…and would not be able to stand not peeking at it…I hope they would read these posts and see the damage that has been done by them. I would hope they would feel shame for there behavior and abuse, I would hope they will learn to be a better Therapist and take stock for the horrible treatment and changing someones lifes (again)…know that we came to them with our hearts in our hands, willing and deserving to have a safe place to heal it…Knowing how hard it was to make that phone call for help, working extra hours to make the money just for 1 more hour a week…knowing we looked up to them so much and being hurt by them was so horrible you wanted to die…leaving a mark for life on me, that you took a oath never to harm…

  • RL

    May 22nd, 2012 at 12:10 PM

    Hi all…Ok, I just e-mailed the California State Board case worker. I left her the link to take a look at this site and see the damage that is being done to clients by therapist and to plese read all posts..we will see what happens!

    Also, sent to my old therapist, I think this link needs to go to the Psychology Today web site also.

  • RL

    May 22nd, 2012 at 2:21 PM

    psychboard.ca.gov/consumers/filecomplaint.shtml

    The State Board gave me this E-mail to file a complaint in California. I would hope that everyone who has posted what has happened to them in therapy will file a complaint today..who cares if nothing happens at least you did something…this needs to stop, just do it..I did

  • Darren Haber, MFT

    May 22nd, 2012 at 10:11 PM

    Hi SB, I’m not sure what his attorney might have said or not; the point is he handled it terribly, one way to know that is if a client has had a traumatizing experience but feels like it’s all their own fault, that is reminiscent of early childhood traumas where the parents take no responsibility, or put “blame” on the child, a horrific thing to do. Have you thought of reporting him? I am glad you found a good counselor who is helping you now, that must be quite a relief. You deserve it! And RL sounds like you are taking some very solid actions to empower yourself against those that harmed you, it is very empowering to take some actions and also hopefully protect others who could be harmed by these people. The therapist you describe in your post #594 sounds like she needs psychiatric help sooner rather than later. What an awful situation it sounds like. Good for you for taking action.

  • Sylvia

    May 23rd, 2012 at 7:51 AM

    Darren, I will gingerly ask you:
    Have you read my last post (no.606)?

  • Darren Haber, MFT

    May 23rd, 2012 at 11:17 AM

    Hi Sylvia, yes I did. I think because the posts are “interspersed”, I may be unclear in the kind of feedback you’re seeking from me. Is it a reaction to your post #531, keeping in mind the correction you indicate in 606? Pls clarify for me, thanks. (Sometimes posts appear retroactively due to some kind of time delay, so I don’t always catch them at the time they appear) D.

  • Helen

    May 23rd, 2012 at 1:29 PM

    Im stunned by these posts, this is an outrage! my colleagues need to read these posts, Im hurt and so sorry that these clients have been treated so poorly by “Professionals”. I did talk to a Psychologist yesterday regarding this blog, her reply was. Take it with a grain of salt, these posts are fake,it’s people with BLPD and attention seekers writing them. So I read every post last night, she is wrong and I’m so sorry she feels that way..I just hope for the sake of the people who have been abused by these creeps please take action, this is a crime.

  • Sylvia

    May 23rd, 2012 at 2:01 PM

    Hi Darren. I was looking for any feedback, I think; a confirmation that you’d got my clarification, as earlier you had said you weren’t sure what I was referring to, so I clarified. And I wanted to be sure that now things were clear for you. Of course, any other comments you may have are welcome, but the main thing was to make sure the confusion about the ‘sarcastic’ had been cleared up.

  • Susan

    May 23rd, 2012 at 4:49 PM

    @ Helen: wow! Thank you for your post, Helen. Someone who is actually listening. However I have found “care for you” and “best wishes” to be for naught. Here in Maine, I have been trying to make my case with the OLR for 6 years. I have even written the governor and a representative. No response or “I care” from the rep, but nothing she can do. The governor is the boss of the dir of the Maine OLR, who truly needs to be held accountable for her lack of investigation, education and empathy. Since my mother raped me (and I am a woman) at the age of 8, to being emotionally raped by a professional I trusted, I have felt like chit. Everyone says get help, but there is none. Believe me I have tried every which way. So now at 60, I am tired of feeling like everything is my fault; not being able to deal with my issues; and not having ONE person stand up for me. I am in severe pain, PTSD, panic attacks. I am not suicidal, but I am looking forward to forever sleep. I don’t even have the energy to look forward to visits from my kids and grandchildren.

  • Darren Haber, MFT

    May 23rd, 2012 at 6:33 PM

    @ Helen, I too am glad someone is taking the time to read these posts; I do hope your colleagues read them. Very disappointing that the psychologist responded so callously. Too few in our profession want to look in the mirror AT ALL and slap labels on people. It makes me angry and reflects poorly on those of us who try hard to genuinely help our clients.

    @Susan, sounds like such a long awful road you’ve been on, very sorry to hear it. As horrible as your experience with your therapist was, I do hope you are able to try and find someone who can help you heal. Maybe you could even check on this website to see if anyone might be a potential match. Perhaps a friend, family member or even physician could assist you in your search for a therapist. Take care. Darren.

  • Darren Haber, MFT

    May 23rd, 2012 at 6:34 PM

    Sylvia — thanks for clarifying!

  • SB

    May 23rd, 2012 at 7:20 PM

    Helen: My experience actually happened as I believe all of the others have as well. Not making stuff up not seeking attention….seeking healing from being hurt so badly.
    Susan: I too feel emotionally raped…I had thought I invented that phrase up just 3 months ago…but I see now I did not. Feels like he took out my brain and never returned it. I confided everything in him. Feels like my brain is locked in his file cabinet and he refuses to give it back to me. So horrible a way to end the relationship a counselor and client have.
    Darren: I have thought about reporting him. He is just certified and not licensed. He is on staff at my church and I do not wish to quit my church. I don’t know what to do. He probably will never speak to me again anyway so I might as well report him. I wish I could understand it. There was no closure to the relationship and then on top of that we now have a wide gap between us…when I confided EVERYTHING to him. It hurts my heart. A trauma added to the trauma I was already going to see him for. Someone told me the letters contained an apology…but if they contained an apology, why is he not speaking to me now? You would think if they were apologies, he would have wanted me to know there was nothing in the letter but good. I was ignored when I asked him that in an email. I was also ignored when I emailed him the end of last week and told him I was doing so much better and just wanted to share it. I saw him in the hallway at church and he saw me and yet he ignored me. I don’t get it. I want to ask him “If I’m such a horrible person, tell me, tell me what I did wrong…don’t just ignore me and stay silent. I don’t care if you are the Pres of the US, a counselor with ethics to follow or who you are…tell me what I did wrong.”

  • RL

    May 23rd, 2012 at 11:02 PM

    @SB…Man I was in your place 1 year ago, my T. was an horrible and abusive. She terminated me out of the blue, she sent me a letter, then would not answer the phone E-mails or letters. She never explained to me what happened, why she did what she did. She made me feel like it was my fault, I was the bad one, I was injured and damaged…I was the problem. I kinda hoped she would just take me back and I said I was sorry for what I did, I was sorry for being angry in therapy (i think that is why we all go to let that out? ) I would say YES to anything she told me just if she took me back…she ignored me…So, I got really mad!!! I wanted my FILE and everything I ever wrote to her on E-mail or letters ect. I want it now, she did not deserve to have my hurt…she was just like the abusers, she tainted my pain, she used me she labeled me, she wanted to see me fail…I did not deserve her treatment and I will do what I have to do to make ME feel better. She did not want to give me my file (oh it’s funny how she now returns my E-mails now) I told her I don’t care, I have rights..I told her I want to come in and get it…I told her she needs to go over the file with me. I dont think going there was a great idea…she was cold, stared me down and said nothing..she only gave me her notes (she changed them and lied) I read her notes and thought she gave me another clients, nothing made sense, she never did or said anything to me like what her notes say. So, I found out she has to give me my whole file not a few papers and I can have a third party come in and get them with me..That is what I did..took it and walked out her awful office. Then I filed a complaint with the board. I learned even if she took me back it would never be the same, the trust was gone and will never feel safe with her again. I also learned that there are BAD Psychologist and Therapist out there and I just happened to get one. I also learned that even though I gave her my story and my secret she can’t talk about me so I really did not loose that uch. And the best lesson ever? it get’s better! and slowly you heal and you will want to find a healthy Professional to work with..WHY? because you want to heal, you deserve to give yourself that much, take stock, be brave and get back what was taken. Because your worth it!!!! @ SUSAN…..Your worth it, find another therapist to help you fight this battle, you need support she or he can guide you and might know who might be the right person to guide you and help you fight…DONT LET THE ABUSERS WIN…THEY TAKEN ENOUGH you have a lot to live for..being dead only makes them win and you loose…not good…fight

  • Sylvia

    May 24th, 2012 at 6:26 AM

    Darren, I don’t want to come off as a nag, but it is still unclear to me whether you accepted the clarification I made in 531. As far as I understood, you thanked me for clarifying what kind of feedback I wanted – but you didn’t give me this feedback. Or I may have missed something. Forgive me if I’m wrong or exaggerating, but with all these posts, I may have got lost and confused. It’s a trifle, I guess, but a confusing one for me; just wanted to be honest here.

  • Rainy

    May 24th, 2012 at 10:57 AM

    @ Sylvia…gee wizzz what do you need from him, what are you not getting? Please let Darren answer who he needs too, there are a lot of people here hurting and need help, your nagging and feeling abandoned is just plain annoying. A little respect goes a long way…just saying

  • Sue

    May 24th, 2012 at 12:24 PM

    If you opt for exploring peer support, here are some resources:
    . TELL-the The Exploitation Link Line, which can connect you with others who have dealt with counseling exploitation. The site also has essays and a reading list.
    . A Yahoo group, mentioned in post #395.
    . Various blogs, begun as an outgrowth of this thread, back when the discussion was primarily peer-to-peer. See posts #248,474, #232, etc.

  • Sylvia

    May 24th, 2012 at 2:17 PM

    Rainy: :/ :O
    I do have respect for Darren and appreciate him being on this board and answering me and everyone else. I was just expressing that I didn’t understand something. If I don’t understand, then I don’t understand, you cannot force me to, I don’t know why you bash me for that. I’m also not saying it’s someone else’s fault that things are not clear for me. I was just expressing my state of mind, and it’s up to Darren if he answers me or not; he doesn’t have to. I found your post quite hurtful, to be honest, but I guess you don’t care.

    Darren, I am truly sorry if I sounded harsh or demanding, I didn’t mean to.

  • Rainy

    May 24th, 2012 at 3:35 PM

    @ Sylvia..Sorry your hurt, after reading all your posts I don’t get it!. He did thank you in post #619 for Clairfying …….SOOOOOOO, not sure what you need him to say or do…(in my opinion)

  • Darren Haber, MFT

    May 24th, 2012 at 10:25 PM

    Hi Sylvia, sorry for the misunderstanding on my part, perhaps you were vulnerable in post 531 and felt like I didn’t really respond. It seems like this case may be a little more subtle than some of the others. Have you still seen this therapist? Wondering if you’re looking for feedback from me about this therapist b/c it’s hard to tell whether to keep going or not? I did have a mixed reaction to her turning your face to her and saying “don’t mistrust me”. Seems kind of aggressive — did you ever discuss any of these issues with her? I find a good therapist will at least try to make some adjustments to help the client feel heard and comfortable, some of what she did sounds intrusive. How is it going now?

  • Darren Haber, MFT

    May 24th, 2012 at 10:29 PM

    And hi Rainy, nice hearing from you. I re-read your earlier post with the crappy therapists and felt sad. Have you found someone better to work with? Sounds like really awful experiences. You deserve a really good therapist. :)

  • Sylvia

    May 25th, 2012 at 7:14 AM

    Rainy, call me autistic or whatever, but I felt like he thanked for clarifying what kind of feedback I wanted from him and not for clarifying the original issue. If you don’t get it, and you want to get it (after all you went through the trouble of reading all my posts), here is how I saw it:

    1. I responded to Darren in 531 thanking him for his support. I answered to something he had said he didn’t understand – why I said I had “enjoyed someone laughing at me in therapy” – I explained my usage of the verb”enjoy” was “sarcasting”, as it hadn’t been a pleasant experience indeed.
    2. Reading my post again, I realised I’d written “sarcasting” instead of “sarcastic”, so I pointed to it in 538.
    3. Darren wrote: “I’m not sure what you’re referring to (re. “sarcastic”); do you mean your earlier post on March 14 (#506)?” And here is where, I think, the misunderstanding started. I thought that maybe he took it that my whole story in post 506 was sarcastic, that maybe I had made it up or whatever.
    4. So I rushed to explain that I meant my post no. 530 (which, now I see, is 531, another mistake on my part) – see point 1 for what was in that post.
    5. I didn’t get any confirmation from Darren that now the matter was clear for him. (In a situation when someone expresses doubt and I provide a clarification to them, I normally expect that person to let me know they’ve got my clarification. I didn’t get it in this situation.)
    6. As I didn’t get any confirmation/feedback re my explanation, I wasn’t sure what to think and if the matter was clear for him, so I brought it up lately explaining the whole thing again.
    7. Darren wrote he wasn’t sure what feedback I was looking for and asked me to clarify it. I was just looking for confirmation that now he got the answer to his doubts he had expressed originally (540) (see point 3), so I told him more or less that that was what I was looking for.
    8. Darren thanked me for clarifying. And I wasn’t sure for clarifying what – clarifying what feedback I wanted or my earlier clarifications about ”sarcastic” (I had clarified it twice before and got no reaction, so why would he be thanking me now for it and not then?). And what I had been aiming at all this time was to get the confirmation that his original doubts (see point 3 again, post 540) were now cleared. Because I thought that maybe he was still getting me wrong starting from my post 531. So still it was not 100% clear to me that he did indeed get his answer to the doubts he originally raised (see point 3 again), so I still wrote yet another post (622).

    Rainy, it’s a matter of logic or illogic to me (my subjective logic resulting probably from culture, not that I think it’s the only right way to see it), more than that of feeling abandoned or anything. I am from a different culture, speak a different language. Normally when I provide an explanation to someone’s doubts, I expect a reaction whether they got it or not. And because I didn’t get any reaction to my original explanation (542), I was in doubt whether the other person got it or not. Because the posts sometimes appear in the way they are easy to overlook, I decided to bring up the matter again, in case my original explanation had got lost or Darren had overlooked it. So I explained again (606) and then expected a reaction that he’d got it. And because there was still no reaction, I asked him straight if he’d read my explanation. And he said ”yes” but said he was unclear about what I wanted. And it surprised and confused a bit, as I just wanted a confirmation he’d got what I had explained to him twice (542 and then 606) addressing his original question (post 540), and I thought it was natural that when there is confusion and a clarification is given, all parties involved confirm that the matter has been cleared. That’s it. And I am faaaaar from blaming him or anyone for it – I just present how I see it and explain my reasons for keeping writing

    You probably saw the whole thing in another way. Darren probably also saw it in a different way than I did. I would be interested to know what way, but sure I do not expect anyone to go into details and present me the intricacies of their line of thinking. It’s just a matter of communication, I guess, some differences, maybe some technical issues. But since you were so emotional about it and outraged at my behaviour, I actually did want to explain. Because I meant no harm and I wasn’t trying to take anyone’s attention from other people. I don’t know if it’s clear for you now, Rainy. I am afraid it’s not up to me if you understand where I’m coming from or not, but believe me – what I wrote is how I see it, and there was no ill will or lack of respect or other things your comment seemed to suggest.

    And I do appreciate it if you’ve attentively read the whole post.

  • Sylvia

    May 25th, 2012 at 7:49 AM

    Darren, thank you for writing. I actually didn’t expect you to respond to my story of the new therapist but it’s nice that you did. What caused the confusion for me was your lack of response to my post 542, where I explained doubts you’d raised in 540 – in fact I didn’t know if I had indeed explained them for you, that’s why I was expecting feedback. All my later posts to you stem from this original confusion. I am trying to explain it in detail in my post to Rainy. (Not sure if it’s of any value, but really – that’s all there is to to it.) Anyhow, I would like it to bring some clarity, but if it doesn’t – then I’m afraid I cannot do anything else, I rest my case. And just to make sure, I’m not blaming you and wasn’t blaming you – I just didn’t know what was going on and sought clarity.

    About the new therapist, I still go there. The thing is it is hard to get anyone else here (she’s the only college psychologist, and for one outside college I’d have to pay huge money), and because I’ve found her somewhat helpful, I decided to continue. I’ve learnt to treat her with some sort of distance and I filter what I get from her – I take what I like, the rest I try to ignore. That’s probably not a good way but I cannot afford anything else right now. The meetings are only once a month, so it’s also hard to get so involved in this therapy, and thus it cannot do me much harm, I hope :/ She hasn’t since had strange behaviours like the one I described with ”Don’t mistrust me”, and our session after that incident was somewhat insightful, we discussed new things, I found it a bit helpful, then the next meeting was so-so, a repetition of old stuff mainly, but I decided to let it be and take it all from some distance. It’s because I don’t have any other options right now… So it is what it is. Thanks for writing!

  • Mariana

    May 26th, 2012 at 8:13 PM

    I would add to the list to steer clear of any therapist who ignores or doesn’t address cultural or race issues in therapy. Being “colour blind” is damaging to clients from minority backgrounds and therapists who minimize or ignore these clients’ experiences of racism or prejudice should be required to take mandated training in multicultural counselling.

  • Isla Murr

    May 27th, 2012 at 9:07 AM

    My therapist has moved one of his young, pretty, highly dependent clients in with him and his wife. i know her so I know it’s true. I also know that she deliberately became friends with his wife to get close to him, although I don’t think he knows that. What do you think about that?

  • Darren Haber, MFT

    May 27th, 2012 at 1:35 PM

    Hi I.M., I think it sounds like he needs to be reported. I think you can do so anonymously but you’d need to check with your state licensing board.

    Mariana: I agree. These factors are, for obvious and subtle reasons, essential for addressing in therapy.

    Sylvia: Thanks for your response. I hope your therapy helps. I encourage you to be honest with your therapist in what is or isn’t helpful to you. Glad we clarified things!

  • Georgie

    May 29th, 2012 at 1:43 AM

    I had been having a few problems with my therapist and felt very uncared for… i made the mistake of taking a handful of pills purely to gain her attention. When i saw her the next time these were the things she said to me. 1) You have no respect for me. 2) You are learning nothing in therapy. 3) Do you behave like this with people outside of therapy. 4) You feel more for me than just a therapist. The anger and contempt towards me has been unbearable…. she managed to shred me in the space of 10 minutes. I was suppose to take a 3 month break and then go back to her, although she told me as i was walking out the door to seriously think about whether she was the therapist for me. She also told me angrily, whilst i was crying, that she was completely suprised by my reaction to what she was saying. How on god’s earth does a therapist say these things to a client who is so obviously in great pain?

  • Lois Muir-McClain, LPC

    May 29th, 2012 at 8:04 AM

    Hi, Georgie. I strongly suggest you do not return to see this therapist. She sounds damaging. It sounds as if she may be having issues of counter-transference, and it is the therapist’s responsibility to manage this, usually through either therapy of their own or through professional supervision. Consider reporting this person to your state board. I hope you will continue to seek a new therapist, one who is more empathetic and in tune with your needs. There are good therapists out there. I know it can seem like a daunting task to find one, but it can be done.

  • RL

    May 29th, 2012 at 9:44 AM

    @ Gerogie,

    Hi I know hoe you feel, my Therapist said almost the same words to me..she was so angry at me and I had no Idea why, she shreded me. She tried to see how far she could go..it makes me think she wanted me to kill myself I sware!! that was not my plan!! she went over the line of speaking to me or any human the way she did. I filed with the State Board and I suggest you do this today!!! this is an outrage and it seems to be getting worst these “Psychologist” are nuts! I filed in Sacramento Ca. I left a link a few posts back…good luck and it does get better. Heal your wounds from the nasty lady and fine a nice one and tell her what happened to you that is what I did..and it’s so much better.

  • CCR

    May 29th, 2012 at 8:44 PM

    Hi, I have been having a few problems with my therapist and am hoping to get some opinions. I have been seeing her for 8 months. She is by no means damaging me or doing anything harmful. It is more what I would consider incompetence and I’ve begun to question her abilities. At this point I feel that no progress has been made and most of our sessions have been wasted on chit chat about my current complaints with nothing really therapeutic occuring. BTW she is a LCSW if that makes any difference. Just for some background, I decided to go to a therapist because of distress and anxiety over life situations, namely family and relationship ones. I don’t have any diagnosed mental disorders.

    Here are some of my specific complaints:

    1. At the beginning of my treatment, my therapist told me her fee is $150 but that she understood that this is a lot for most people and she uses a sliding scale basis.(She doesn’t accept my insurance but my insurance company covers it out of network and they reimburse a portion of the fee.) During our second session, I mentioned the possibility of her lowering the fee even a small amount because $150 is a lot for me to take out of my account every week while I wait for the reimbursement, and she basically went back on her word and denied that she had offered that in the first place. Let this point set up the rest of my points: I feel that I am paying FAR too much money for the quality of treatment I am getting.

    2. Just in general, she is very passive and seems to have no idea how to lead a session. For the first few minutes we often just sit there staring at each other and she’ll just smile or laugh as though she’s waiting for me to say something. Even when we do get to heavy topics, her comments are often generic, almost like just friendly advice.

    3. I feel like she tries to take a sort of motherly stance for me which is not at all what I’m looking for. Also a lot of what we end up talking about is my schoolwork (I happen to be in grad school in a counseling related field), not necessarily the specifics just things like when are my finals, how am I liking such and such class, have I set up my internship yet, etc. She is very curious about everything school related and I feel like either she’s nostalgic and trying to live vicariously through me, or she’s trying to act parental.

    3. The EMDR. A few months back, she mentioned that I might like to try EMDR to target some of my unresolved things. I said that I have heard a little about it and always thought it might be useful in working on a huge phobia I have. Well, we used the EMDR for two sessions on that and then she just seemed to forget about it (the phobia part). After that, she would offer it at every session to target any little thing. For example, I would come in saying that I wanted to talk about a problem I was having at work that I didn’t know how to approach. Her response was, well would you like to target that? (meaning EMDR). Sometimes when we were targeting more heavy topics I thought it was somewhat effective, but mostly I felt like she was just using it because she was much more comfortable hiding behind the process of EMDR rather than using her own counseling techniques.

    4. She never had me identify any goals, nor did she offer any. No long term goals, no short term goals. This has made the whole process feel sort of arbitrary and directionless. Each session stands alone, we never pick up where we left off in the last session, and as a result I feel like I’ve put a lot of bits and pieces of me out there that are now just floating around and that she has no intention of following up on or resolving.

    5. At the end of each session, she shows no sign of acknowledging that our time is up. This would not be a huge problem if I didn’t schedule my session right before I go to work. It’s always very awkward at the end when she just sits there and stares at me and I have no idea whether she’s about to announce that our time is up or continue with what we were talking about. Mostly I get the impression that she’s waiting for me to initiate one of those two things so I start saying things like “well I guess I’ll have to work on that” or “yeah that’s something to think about”…thinking that this will be her cue to end but still she just sits there. This sounds small but it’s actually quite frustrating.

    I guess the underlying problem of all of this is that I think my therapist feels insecure about her abilities as a therapist so she looks to me to lead the session, and she seems to need validation for what she is doing. As a result nothing much actually HAPPENS in each session. It could be 30 or 40 minutes in before we actually start talking about anything other than chit chat. I can’t count the number of times I’ve thought to myself “why am I paying this woman money?”

    I’d like some opinions on whether it sounds like I’m just looking for problems because I’m subconsciously rejecting therapy or something, or if I’m right to suspect that this woman might not be the best therapist out there.

  • Georgie

    May 30th, 2012 at 2:09 AM

    Thankyou both Lois and RL. I really CANNOT face another therapist at the moment, but i do believe time is a great healer and maybe i shall seek out another therapist. I feel so vulnerable and tender at the moment that the thought of having to explain everything and go through the whole thing again is just too daunting.I feel completely humiliated and feel as if another therapist would think the same horrible things about me that this therapist did. Thanks again for your reply’s and support.

  • RL

    May 30th, 2012 at 11:00 AM

    @ Gerogie…OMG your telling my story, I felt the same way that I cold never see another T again, I would have to go over all the shame and story all over again it’s to much..But…what I did do is go right away, I did not go to her for the abuse issues I went and told my new T. how horrible I was treated by her and if she can help me…she did.

    She provided me all the right numbers, my new T. gave me all her notes she had on me, We worked together as a team,it felt good to have a buddy who believed me!

    my T. was abusive told me that she thinks I think she is a C (word) out of the blue, she pushed me into the wall and sent me an e-mail saying how sorry she was and does not blame me If I don’t come back..called me names, gave me 6 diagnosis and never explained 1 to me, terminated me and never answered the phone or e-mails (abandonment) this “psychologist” is an abuser just to report her and tell someone was a huge lift, knowing that what she did was wrong..I thought it was me! after all she was a DR. nope it’s her all her…I just hope she does not EVER do this to another human no one deserves Dr.KMK rath…

  • Georgie

    May 30th, 2012 at 2:58 PM

    Hi RL. Your story sounds terrible, how awful for you. I am glad you have found another therapist who is wonderful to you. I might take your advice and try to look for another therapist, albeit cautiously. I know that i probably need to take the plunge. Your old T sounds like a very ill person indeed!! I hate the thought of trying to trust someone again, but i know i need to talk this out with someone. Thanks again for your reply and support and wish you the best of luck in your new therapy.

  • Sue

    May 31st, 2012 at 12:30 PM

    Returning to therapy after bad therapy was not an act of “bravery” for me–it was an act of continued gullibility.

    Rather than guiding more toward self-sufficiency, therapy displaced my real parental relationship with a plastic purchased one. It planted the fantastical delusion that someone who took some graduate courses to perform an empathy act actually is a Wise Sage with Life’s Answers.

    I found therapy the opposite of healing–it only encouraged continued immaturity and subordination.

  • kathy

    June 1st, 2012 at 10:39 AM

    @ Sue..WOW I admire your writing skills!! you really need to write a book, you make so much sense. I can see maybe a book about your story and what happened..maybe a self help book or something. I get what your saying, you must of had a bad experience with a therapist, but don’t you agree it’s empowerment to file a complaint and fight back? even if you loose? what do you think?

  • Sue

    June 2nd, 2012 at 12:10 PM

    @Kathy. Thanks for your kind words. I found filing a complaint did give me voice–sort of– though I lost. My therapist’s viewpoint was– interesting– and I’m confident he will forever maintain his smug justification of his behavior. It’s equally interesting to learn what the state professional board considers ethical.

    It appears the deck is stacked to disbelieve us clients as irrational, unreliable witnesses. I understand only a tiny fraction of complaints are decided in our favor, and those judgments are for concrete and well-documented abuses. If a therapist was merely attacking, mean, undermining or crazy-making…fuggedaboutit. Therapists seem to justify almost anything as bona fide treatment.

    I caution anyone filing a complaint to expect a worst-case result. Odds are high you’ll lose, and your therapist’s defense will be fierce–often painting you in a deranged and untruthful light. Therapists can interpret our poor reactions to them as “transference,” dismissing our valid distress. Their textbooks are bathed with objectification and condescension of clients, so it’s how many of them are trained to see us.

    That said, I think it important to complain mightily about sexual abuse and dual relationships. I’d think refusal to hand over notes (you’re the Kathy in post #102?) likely another provable and concrete offense.

  • SB

    June 2nd, 2012 at 9:01 PM

    Darren, should I really think about reporting him? I saw him for 3 years. He said things that hurt me that were judgmental. He helped me with things. He worked on my lawn mower and moved a refrigerator for me. He worked on my car a for some minor things. He worked it out so my car could be evenly traded for another car. I had to sign a form at the beginning that said “I cannot be your friend.” I said I was not coming back several times and he said I could always come back. Finally, after one more hurtful thing he said I said I was definitely not coming back.(kind of judgmental/minor minor harassing things like “why can’t you be happy for other people” I was severely depressed and he said that to me. He said “if you are going to cry cancel your appointment for that day” “why don’t you wear a dress once in a while” He gave me no closure. All he said was “sorry it didn’t work out.” I saw him for nearly 3 years and he says that to me to end it. I was so hurt. I have let it go but now past few days I am feeling the hurt again. I tried to heal the relationship as he is a minister also. His supervisor said I didn’t deserve a therapy-ending session. They refused to talk about it. They wanted to give me referrals only but why would I even take referrals from them? They sent me letters with those in them and said there was an apology but I returned them unopened. I could not allow myself to be hurt again not knowing what was in those letters and having no chance to respond or defend myself. This actually is my church I am talking about. He refuses to speak to me. It’s still a “no closure” thing for me. Everyone on staff defends him. I don’t know what to do. He refuses to do any closure and won’t even speak. I think all this is unprofessional to say the least.

  • Darren Haber, MFT

    June 3rd, 2012 at 1:47 PM

    Hi SB, I would agree with you that his behavior sounds terribly hurtful. So sorry to hear it. What I would do is call the licensing board and make an anonymous inquiry into what your choices would be. (Is he a licensed therapist, or a “spiritual advisor”?) You can describe the situation and see if the board feels it warrants an investigation. (YOu don’t have to use his name or yours for this.) I can understand wanting, on the one hand, to close this sad, painful chapter and move on. But on the other, having an official investigation of his conduct might feel empowering. Some people report feeling closure at taking more action, others like to close the book and move on. It sounds like you are having some misgivings about reporting him, so it’s worth reflecting on what those might be. It depends on you and what you feel would bring you the most peace. Some people would want to simply move on, others would want to take action. (You also don’t need to rush this decision.) It’s hard to say what would be the best thing. Is there someone safe you can confide in, and review your options. Again, I’m sorry you’ve had to put up with this very creepy and toxic behavior from someone who clearly should know better. This might be a case where there is no “best” decision, just one that is safest (or least stressful) for you. And yes, “unprofessional” is a nice way of describing what happened here.

  • SB

    June 3rd, 2012 at 7:43 PM

    Thank you Darren. That helps so much for me to know that if I make no decision, it’s ok. Saying what would bring me the most peace helps so much. If I decide to report, it’s ok. If I decide not to it’s ok. If I decide to be in between those two choices it’s ok.

  • Darren Haber, MFT

    June 4th, 2012 at 9:08 PM

    Glad it helped!

  • Jennaly

    June 5th, 2012 at 6:11 PM

    I owe my therapist around $1000 for sessions (I didn’t have insurance and she knew this) and I’ve owed this for about a year. I stopped seeing her about a year ago as well. I totally know I am responsible for this and need to pay it. However, I have been unemployed for a year and we are behind on rent, utilties, etc. My therapist has been making the collection calls herself. What bothers me is that I told her several times during my sessions that I was having financial difficulties and needed to stop seeing her until I could catch up. She insisted every time that I shouldn’t stop seeing her and it would be bad for my mental health (clinical depression). she would work with me on the financial side. Now, even though she knows about my financial problems and how hard I’ve been working at fixing it, she keeps telling me that I have to pay the bill off in full. I know she needs to be paid – I don’t want to cheat her, but my bill would never have gotten out of control if she would have let me stop until I caught up. I don’t want to file a complaint, I was just wondering if I was out of line thinking that this was a little unethical.

  • SB

    June 5th, 2012 at 11:48 PM

    I just asked for some fees back. My church was supporting most of the time of my counseling but toward the end I paid what I could at their request. I just asked for the money back that I paid them. We’ll see what happens. My therapist said in an email “Sorry it didn’t work out” after I told him I was ending therapy because he said hurtful thing. I said “since ‘it didn’t work out’ please refund the money I paid you toward the end of the counseling.” We shall see.

  • RL

    June 6th, 2012 at 9:01 AM

    @SB..I did that I asked for my monies back..she told me I did not learn a thing and it was not working..SO I told her to give me my money back then.. The out come was not good and I’m sorry to say either will your’s be..It’s like a game we play, to make them see how mad and hurt we are, to keep connecting even though it hurts. Well, I just went through your story and I have to say it just put me in a tail spin of hurt…So, when you get your answer from the church take that enegery and file a complaint..I know it’s your decision and you need to think about it..but this will give you the power to feel better…also, hate to say it but find a new church, your setting yourself up for more hurt than you deserve. Remember this is coming from someone that this just happened too, not a Therapist. I feel your pain and how crappy it is to have “Faith” in someone give them your soul and they simply think it’s OK to turn there back on you, Ignore all phone calls and E-mails…treat you like your the problem!? I have to tell you when the State Board sent my horrible T a letter for her to explain her actions that to me was enough…Oh and getting a new T and telling on her… : ) I hope it all works out for the best, fight it.

  • SB

    June 7th, 2012 at 11:23 AM

    Thank you RL. It’s healing just to be able to talk about it and that people like you understand and have been through it.

  • Darren Haber, MFT

    June 8th, 2012 at 3:14 PM

    Hi Jennaly, sounds like your therapist didn’t live up to her end of the bargain. You might mention the conversation about the flexibility in your financial situation and what did she mean by that? Sounds like you’re not dodging her. Maybe you could negotiate something, like repay half the amount owed in whatever installments you could afford. Most therapists would rather negotiate something rather than risk getting paid nothing. You could also mention you felt really pressured to stay when you didn’t have the funds, that seems a bit manipulative to me. Finally, did she provide referrals to you for low-cost or free counseling? She is supposed to. If she did not, maybe you have a bargaining “chip”; you’ll forgive this ethical lapse if she stops hucking you and works with you reasonably, as promised. (I know it sounds tough but I dislike when therapists act like this; technically you could report this lapse, if this is what happened.) Let us know how it works out, thanks for writing. So sorry to hear that you, like too many others, are financially struggling in this lousy economy.

  • Mary S

    June 11th, 2012 at 3:53 PM

    CCR,

    I don’t think it at all sounds like you’re “just looking for problems because you’re subconsciously rejecting therapy or something.” What you have written indeed shows that this woman is far from the best therapist out there.

    Your comment, “I can’t count the number of times I’ve thought to myself “why am I paying this woman money?”” should be added to the list of warning signs of questionable therapy.

    I’d like to add another “warning sign” based on my experience with therapy: You can’t count the number of times you’ve thought, “The emperor has no clothes,” in therapy.

  • SB

    June 14th, 2012 at 4:39 PM

    RL, you are right. I still have not gotten even an answer about getting my money back. It was only about $40 and they are not even returning it. I even told them I have no money for food or gas for 13 days (which is true) and they could care less. I never would have imagined a Christian could be so heartless but this man is. I have the paperwork to file a complaint. I am just still deciding what to do.

  • RL

    June 15th, 2012 at 10:42 PM

    Any way..fill out the papers and take control because it will get worse trust me…It’s amazing what these people do, they tell you they will never hurt you, trust them, they will never leave, your safe with me..then BAM…They screw you like no other..it’s almost as bad as the abuser!! if not worst, they hold your story, your trust, your secret…it’s the biggest form of Betrayal ever, it gets worse when they ignore you, Im wondering if he is keeping your confidentiality…that one is huge!!! find out…File a claim take your power back and go for it!!!!!

  • Melissa

    June 18th, 2012 at 4:44 PM

    I have had some great relationships with therapists in the past, but I recently saw one therapist for 5-6 sessions who I had to stop seeing. Several things on the above list happened during our five sessions. In isolation they might not be so bad, but the cumulative effect was enough to make me stop going.

    1. She answered the door during the middle of one our sessions to get her lunch from a friend who was dropping it off; I don’t see why he couldn’t have left it in the lobby.

    2. On a different occasion, she ate a snack during one of our sessions.

    3. She called me and asked me where I was an hour before our session was supposed to start, because she had it down on her calendar wrong; she admitted she made a mistake but her initial tone was confrontational.

    4. She forgot several major issues from session to session. Granted, my sessions were two weeks apart, but at least two of these things were absolutely central to the reason I was seeing her and had been written on my intake form. I rarely saw her take notes.

    5. She promised but never sent a statement showing how much I had paid for my appointments so that I could try to get a partial reimbursement from my health insurer.

    6. One day, without warning, she had her two dogs in the office. I would have appreciated a heads up in advance; I had some bad dog experiences in the past and am sometimes nervous around new dogs. To her credit, they were extremely well-behaved, and I realize dogs can be therapeutic.

    All these things bothered me, and I also felt she was a little haughty, but it was the multiple instances of basically forgetting why I was seeing her that made me stop going. I don’t know what to think about it, because she came highly recommended to me from multiple sources I respect, although this was based on her professional reputation rather than their personal experiences with her (as far as I know). Should I tell someone about all this or file a complaint somewhere, or just assume that something went wrong with my case?

  • christine

    June 19th, 2012 at 5:39 AM

    i was in a very regressed, very deep, very long analysis with a spiritual, winnicott and klein influenced analyst. she very much had her own wounds, stemming from her destructive relationship with her own mother, as well as from her infertility, and in her own words, used her patients to fulfill her maternal needs. there were very few boundaries between us, with her often sharing several aspects of her life with me (this felt special), and both of us felt flooded much of the time. she eventually ‘didn’t survive’ the work (a horrible possibility that is not really confronted in the literature… horribly, what is discussed is that the therapist’s main task is to survive), and withdrew, leaving me, entirely dependent on someone who had just demanded that all contact be stopped, in a psychological state of shock, which became a trauma that i have yet to recover from. though i still believe that much caring was shared between us, this ‘treatment’ created an astounding amount of damage, by my relationship with a ‘therapist’ who couldn’t finish what she started.

  • Darren Haber, MFT

    June 19th, 2012 at 10:08 PM

    Hi Christine, wow what a traumatizing experience, I’m very sorry to hear about it. Obviously you did nothing wrong. This alleged professional’s behavior is shocking. I’m quite impressed with how articulate you are in describing what happened (are you a therapist or a writer?) This sounds like a reportable incident if you wanted to pursue it, since it’s a pretty obvious abandonment and completely unethical (and would likely be actionable by the licensing board here in California). Again, I’m completely dismayed by the behavior of a so-called professional and makes me angry at people who perhaps shouldn’t even be in the profession in the first place. Are you in the L.A. area by chance?

    And Melissa that therapist sounds pretty clueless (snacking during a session alone would make me bolt), and it’s really jarring to have someone not remember the major issue as to why you’re there. The only thing I can think of, besides leaving (completely understandable), is describing your experience with her and seeing if she gets it. Of course, it may not be worth it since a good therapist should know why these things are unacceptable. Good that you’re picking up on these things and realizing you’re not in caring hands. I’m not sure if those actions are reportable or not, you might want to check with your state board, but definitely good enough reason to find someone else in my opinion. (Maybe you could say, “Hate to be picky, but do you mind not ordering a pizza while I’m describing past traumas?”)

    Finally SB maybe you are feeling there is a risk in taking action. Too much risk, at this point. Maybe this isn’t the right time. You may have answered this but is there any way to get some kind of support for what you’re going through? It sounds very stressful to have to do this by yourself.

    It’s very sad when an institution covers up the bad behavior of one of its officials at the cost of those who have been mistreated or abused — a second trauma to the victim. We are seeing too many of these types of stories in the media right now, and on this webpage as well. It’s heartbreaking that this is perpetuated by people who have pledged to be healers. All I can say is, sooner or later the truth comes out…and payback is a you-know-what.

  • SB

    June 20th, 2012 at 6:43 AM

    He continues to ignore my contacts with him. I am even low on money and asked him where is a food pantry I might utilize. He ignored me. That was the last straw (I lost my job-have money coming in but not enough. I filed a complaint but he is with a voluntary counseling association so there will be only so much that can be done. If only the association will agree with me how unprofessional he has been with me, I will be satisfied to as much of an extent as I will probably get. I don’t know what rules counselors have that they can never speak to you again but you know what — don’t follow the rules after the fact — follow them during the counseling sessions. And I don’t have those rules and I think they are ridiculous if they have rules that say they can never speak to you again if you have a disagreement with them or complain to their supervisor…you would just think a Christian would want to resolve matters. And don’t get me wrong about Christians…but just like counselors and therapists, there are bad ones and good ones.

  • Chrissy

    June 25th, 2012 at 4:39 AM

    I’m REALLY conflicted with my therapist. I have been seeing him for about 8 months, and I feel like he has violated most of the things on this list and we’ve gotten nowhere–in fact, I think I’ve gotten worse :-/. My self-esteem is worse than before, and I feel like he’s hurting me instead of helping me. He answers phone calls constantly, barely pays attention to me because he’s always busy writing stuff in the middle of the session and constantly judges me when he does listen :-/. I’m conflicted because most of the time he IS nice and attentive but other times he does what I’ve just stated and is downright mean. Sometimes I think he’s projecting his issues onto me and it’s hurting me even more. The WORSE part is that since he’s rather good-looking and I DO feel close to him sometimes (especially when he’s being nice), transference has occured. So now I’m debating on leaving or staying. One part of me is telling me to leave cuz he’s no good and he’s just confusing me and hurting me, the other part of me constantly WANTS to see good in him and hoping he’ll step up. I have no idea what to do :-/.

  • Darren Haber, MFT

    June 27th, 2012 at 8:08 AM

    Hi Chrissy, I would talk to him about what you’re feeling. Any therapist worth his or her salt will accept that kind of major feedback from his clients. What you’re describing is not subtle, you’re talking about what is (in my opinion) pretty egregious behavior. Your time and money is valuable, and so I think any therapist owes you nothing but undivided attention — itself a form of empathy. The phone calls and writing sounds passive-aggressive to me, sending a message of “I have more important things to do” which I imagine is hurtful. How could it not be? I understand the transference but I suggest that you should listen to your sense of self-esteem getting worse (a red flag) and talk to him about your concerns. If he does not make proper adjustments to help you feel more “heard”, then I suggest you look elsewhere because this is a person more involved with himself than his clients. Thanks for writing; feel free to write again to let us know what happens.

  • Darren Haber, MFT

    June 27th, 2012 at 8:10 AM

    p.s. His being “mean” is also a red flag. Whether or not he means it, we therapists owe it to our clients to communicate in a way that can be heard in a non-threatening way. Another adjustment he needs to make to better provide a healing experience for you. Misunderstandings do occur (only occasionally, we hope) but this sounds like a consistent failure of empathy on his part, and should be addressed.

  • Sue

    June 28th, 2012 at 10:29 AM

    Therapists can have huge egos, can have a powerful compulsion to pose as the “expert,” and can behave quite primitively when their competence is threatened or they lose an income source.

    Though a purpose of therapy can be to “practice” difficult discussions, it also puts you on an uneven field because of its theatrics. We’re led to believe the therapist is a healer when in reality, he’s just a guy who’s had some college courses that give him no more life wisdom than you have. The authoritative tone is a stage performance.

    So if intuition tells you that an honest discussion would end poorly, and therapy doesn’t serve your purpose, you have no commitment, no obligation to return.

  • Chrissy

    June 28th, 2012 at 2:30 PM

    Hi Darren, thanks for replying. It’s funny that you say my time and money is valuable, and it should be but it isn’t cuz I always feel like I’m only there for 15 minutes yet he charges me a whole hour’s worth. Also, speaking of money, one time he even got mad at me because the insurance company didn’t pay him or something and I got blamed for it!. I feel like I should be upfront with him also, but I’m way too nice I guess cuz I’m afraid I’ll hurt his feelings but I KNOW i should end it. Hopefully I’ll get the courage to do so because this isn’t going anywhere good :-/.

  • Darren Haber, MFT

    June 29th, 2012 at 7:01 AM

    Hi Chrissy, it sounds like your intuition is speaking to you. One thing you might to is, before making a final decision, consult with another therapist that comes recommended from someone you trust (or even this website). You may even do a consultation with more than one. Perhaps if you find a better fit, you’ll feel you’re making more of a transition rather than an abrupt end; plus you could receive support for saying happy trails to your monetarily-obsessed current therapist. Try not to criticize yourself for the difficulty of leaving; other people can trigger all kinds of feelings in us (if they remind us of parents especially) so it’s understandable. However, the situation sounds exploitative of you and you’re doing nothing wrong by saying goodbye to someone who has more of his interests at heart than yours.

  • Meggie

    June 29th, 2012 at 12:15 PM

    I told a therapist that I was very afraid I was going to kill myself – she said that was just because I was feeling so much pain (physical as well as emotional) but then changed the subject. I tried on two other occasions to tell her I felt desperate enough to be considering ending it all but she changed the subject again both times. I had hoped she might give me some idea how to cope with these overwhelming feelings and thoughts but I got the impression it was not something she wanted to discuss. Is that a failure in therapy? Or is it just that ending one’s life is not considered a serious risk when someone suffers from chronic pain? I stopped seeing the therapist because it wasn’t helping anything but I still struggle with this issue.

  • Darren Haber, MFT

    June 30th, 2012 at 6:19 PM

    Hi Meggie, first of all I hope you are not feeling suicidal now, if so please get help right away, even if it’s to the local ER to stabilize yourself. Those kinds of feelings are unbearable. Second I am glad you stopped seeing this person because she did you no good whatsoever. To say it is a failure of therapy is the understatement of the decade. In short, YES, she failed you and again I’m glad you’re not seeing her. I’m terribly sorry to hear about the pain you’re in, it sounds excruciating in many ways. I also hope you have decided to keep looking and find the help and support you deserve. Thought of ending one’s life is ALWAYS serious. I’m hoping you are in at least a little better place now. Perhaps you could search on this website to find someone in your area. Thank you for writing, and I am sending you wishes for finding the right person.

  • Minal

    June 30th, 2012 at 7:00 PM

    Meggie,

    I strongly urge you to contact an intensively trained DBT therapist who can tell you not just ‘what’ you can do, or ‘why’ you should do it, but can give you the nuts and bolts of ‘how’ to do it in order to tolerate and improve the physcial and emotional pain levels. It is very sad that high levels of pain leave folks feeling desparate enough to want to die in order to escape that intensity. Only concrete methods of changing the actual problem will long term alleviate the various pain(s), and you will need that so that you don’t always have to ‘just’ cope with what is, even though that is wonderful to have, in the moment. Good luck.

  • Meggie

    July 1st, 2012 at 8:33 AM

    Thank you Darren and Minal for these replies. I felt like it didn’t matter if I ended my life after the therapist dismissed the subject. I told her 3 times because I needed to make sure I was making it clear what was on my mind, but it felt like she never heard me. Later, after I stopped seeing her I saw a psychologist for assessment for a pain management programme. She asked me if I ever felt like ending it all so I told her the truth, but she just said it is common for people in chronic pain to feel this way and checked that I wasn’t intending to end my life that very day. I wasn’t, but her response made me feel the same way. I am not actively planning to end my life but it is a recurring struggle and it wears me down to the point where I sometimes feel it would be easier to give in. Maybe the pain management programme will help, I don’t know. It is a 6 month waiting list though. I don’t feel I can handle the idea of finding another therapist and I don’t know if it would help. The one I saw did try to help me (despite not seeming to want to discuss suicide issues), but even she said my situation made her feel so helpless. I did have a look on this website but I don’t think there are any therapists listed who are in my area (I don’t live in the USA). I will consider it again though. It does help to hear you say that the therapist should have taken me seriously, it wasn’t good to feel like it didn’t matter if I lived or not. Thank you.

  • Darren Haber, MFT

    July 6th, 2012 at 9:19 PM

    Thanks for following up, and so sorry to hear about how tough it’s been. I’m glad our feedback helped. I’m really hoping you are able to find the help you need. If you want a break on individual work, sometimes hospitals or pain clinics offer support groups around these issues (university hospitals too). Maybe you could ask your psychologist for more ideas, knowing you’re not in this alone can be helpful. At any rate, all the best to you.

  • Darren Haber, MFT

    July 6th, 2012 at 9:20 PM

    p.s. You might even be able to find some online support groups, come to think of it, if nothing else is viable.

  • Erin

    July 8th, 2012 at 3:14 PM

    Hello! I am having some issues with my therapist and am trying to figure out what is going on. I have been seeing him for about 6 months for complex PTSD. The relationship started out great and I felt good about the progress I was making. About 6 or 8 weeks in he abruptly changes topics in the middle of the session and asked me if I ever thought that the fact that he was the same age as my father was triggering
    me because he was very concerned about it. I told him I never thought of that and was very comfortable with our relationship. He then cut off the session and told me he wanted to get a consult and would let me know the following week of he was comfortable continuing to work with me. I was completely shocked and confused. The following week he actually brought Another woman psychologist into my session to see if I was more comfortable and again I told him I was fine. He said he must just be over thinking it. Since then there have been a session or two where he looked like he was going to start crying at some of my material but other times where the relationship feels great and I really like him. Then, my last 4 session he cut short to 30 min. I finally addresse it and he was caught off guard and said he was unaware and apologized…by that point I felt I could t trust him so I terminated the next session which was this past Thursday and he handled it really wierd. I told him I was going to take a break and he got all fidgety and took some notes which I could see weren’t even noted just scribble and said he would take me off the calendar. Then asked me about my kids and family and then wanted to talk about my week like a normal session. It was all really awkward and he never even asked me why I wanted to take a break… Our conversation last 15 minutes then i left. Any thought on this? I just feel really confused at this point.

  • Darren Haber, MFT

    July 9th, 2012 at 9:15 AM

    Hi Erin, boy I can really understand your confusion; this is very confusing behavior on his part! What a situation: you seem comfortable with him but then he starts acting truly bizarre & doing things therapists aren’t supposed to do. Cutting a session short with a client with PTSD? Yeesh. Utterly inappropriate to say the least! Also, he should never have brought another psychologist into a session without your written permission — in fact if you wanted to file a complaint you could do so for his breaking your confidentiality, since he would have had to reveal information about you to this person prior to your verbal consent. Perhaps the biggest no-no of all. And reportable.

    I am 99% comfortable saying that what happened here has NOTHING to do with you; it sounds like he is having some very serious personal issues which is making it impossible for him to do his job properly, at your expense. He sounds distracted, to say the least, and I bet this is happening with other clients. I am glad you had the wherewithal to back out; his insensitive handling of your termination was, again, completely unprofessional and uncaring and I’d encourage you to at least consult with your state licensing board to see what your options are, before he does even more harm to other clients. Something is not right with this guy and sounds like he might need a sabbatical and some therapy of his own. I hope you are able to find more appropriate help for PTSD, truly a painful disorder. Pls don’t let this insane behavior scare you off from all therapists. Sorry you went through it. Thanks for writing.

  • Erin

    July 9th, 2012 at 10:23 AM

    Thank you for your response. I really appreciate it and it does make me feel a little bit better. The interesting thing is that he and his wife own a joint practice in my city with several clinicians that work for them. The lady he brought into my session was his wife and I did give him permission to talk about my case with her before he brought her in although that part was a surprise. Either way I’m still baffled but will move on to the next and hopefully will find someone more competent. Thank you again for your input.

  • Darren Haber, MFT

    July 9th, 2012 at 3:42 PM

    Fantastic. Glad to hear you’re moving on and that the feedback helped. Their behavior is baffling but again, I really sense it’s not connected to you even though their boundaries are lousy. I think you’re doing the right thing.

  • Julie

    July 10th, 2012 at 11:13 PM

    Hi;

    I had just begun to see a woman who was just completing her internship. She claims to be a ‘recovered’ trauma survivor herself, and she had expertise in a particular area of my background.
    While having some good qualities, she fits many of the negative qualities on your list. In her work with me, it is almost always”you” statements (which I called her on today as being one of the most fundamental therapy communication negatives,….that WE are taught ( clients), to use “I feel” statements. That using “you” statements will cause a defensive reaction in people. ( she SAW a visible difference in the ways I reacted using ‘ I feel’ vs ‘you’), but shouldn’t she already KNOW this? Then she basically says that (since she has this new job now also) that she just doesn’t have the time it takes to do the ‘I feel’. She admits to being “direct”, but if I show feelings AT ALL, then she makes a derogatory comment like today. I know she wants me to be more of an adult vs the inner child, but where is the kindness? she also brags on herself, states that she like has NO other problems with any other client, and she’s giving me a cheaper rate. Her other clients are DID, while I am her only non DID client. I care about her, but why the need to brag on herself so often? Why so necessary?

  • Darren Haber, MFT

    July 11th, 2012 at 9:25 PM

    Hi Julie, hate to say it but I think it’s time to move on. When you stated a preference that — you are right — most therapists should do automatically (“I feel” statements), sounds like she got defensive and testy. Red flag right there. The “I don’t have time” bit sounds like BS, truth be told; it sounds like she just wants to do things her way. (How much time does it take to say “I feel”; she’s saying, in effect, that she’s going to be rigid — red flag #2.) It doesn’t matter in the slightest what SHE wants you to be, you are there to have her help you find your own way and work — at the very least — collaboratively. (Who gets to decide, for instance, what is adult and what is inner child? Why does she get to be final arbiter? Red flag #3, 3 strikes you’re out.) It sounds like she is uncomfortable with emotions and her deragatory comments may be reportable, as they are completely unacceptable. The fact that you say “I care about her” almost sounds like you are helping her do her job; don’t worry about her feelings, we therapists are trained in how to deal with our emotional needs, our priority #1 is to be there for our clients. Based on what you’ve told me, it sounds like she cares more about her own agenda than what your actual experience is in the room. You owe her no explanation whatsoever if you decide it’s not a fit. Clearly, she’s looking out for herself already.

  • Darren Haber, MFT

    July 11th, 2012 at 9:27 PM

    ps. The new job she has should be no concern to you and, frankly, I find completely nonsensical. I really think it’s time you found someone more empathically attuned and responsive to what you need. You can say, “I don’t have time for bad therapy” and leave.

  • Sandra Susan Nikole

    July 13th, 2012 at 6:20 PM

    Wow! I can relate to what you told Julie. My question is: How do you figure out red flags BEFORE you invest years into “bad therapy”? I am a sexual abuse survivor and my therapist is prudish about the sex subject. She thinks it’s sinful to masturbate. Thus, I’m real uncomfortable talking about what a ‘normal’ sex life looks like. I can’t change her, so I also have a phone therapist that I can discuss these issues with. Sometimes it takes more than one therapist to help, don’t you think?

  • SB

    July 14th, 2012 at 6:16 AM

    I’ve filed a complaint. It seems like it is taking forever just to get even a letter of acceptance out of them. This counselor is still completely ignoring me at church when he seemed to used to look for me and seek me out and come over to say hello. I don’t understand what the big deal is about a counselor can “be done” with you and “cut all ties” with you if you end counseling. And I really didn’t “end” counseling. I told him he continued to say things that hurt me so I was not coming back. To me that is his cue to say “I’m sorry, let’s try to come to some kind of good ending to this since we are both Christians and attend the same church.” Does anyone else agree with me or am I just crazy? I had to file the complaint to get some closure to this because he is not giving any closure. He just cut off all contact. I am trying so hard to understand the meaning behind that especially if the counselor is one of the ministers of your church. Don’t understand. Trying so hard to.

  • Darren Haber, MFT

    July 16th, 2012 at 7:23 PM

    Hi Sandra, well I don’t know where you live, but in CA you are not allowed to have more than one general therapist unless one is for a specific issue (i.e. drug counseling or trauma work, etc). What do you mean you “can’t change her”. How come? I would think it very difficult to talk about something so important, and sensitive, with a therapist who is prudish. Anyway I guess I would need to know more about why you are staying with the therapist you see in person. Appreciate your post.

  • SB

    July 20th, 2012 at 2:54 PM

    Got an answer from the board after filing a complaint. Apparently this counselor didn’t re-certify when he was supposed to so he is not a “current” member although he is still using the credentials. They will not investigate someone who is not a current member. They are however going after him for still using the credentials. He is not a member of anything else. Guess that is how a counselor can get away with murder…by not being a member of anything. He does not have a license either.

  • Darren Haber, MFT

    July 21st, 2012 at 2:46 PM

    Hi SB, well I’m glad they are at least going after him for using the credentials, under false pretenses it sounds like. Perhaps there will be consequences for his actions after all (if I am understanding you correctly). I believe it is fraudulent to claim credentials that are in fact expired.

    Also, I may have said this already, but I do hope you are able to find some help to process some of the anger and pain you are (quite understandably) feeling about the betrayal that happened here. Either via counseling, or an understanding friend, or some kind of support. (Someone should start a “victims of bad therapy” support group.) Sometimes it is really hard to believe how coldly people can act towards us, when we initially trusted them. I’m sorry again you had to go through all this and hoping you are able to find some peace of mind after the dust settles. You are definitely due for it.

  • Syd

    July 24th, 2012 at 8:16 PM

    My experiences have been universally negative; quite a few of the 50 warning signs apply. It may sound unbelievable that someone could have such a hard time finding a single competent mental health professional but I’m from a region of the U.S. where, beyond the nightmare realm of psychiatry, mental healthcare in general appears to be following a business model that places the needs of patients and clients at rock bottom. I’ve yet to find anyone who practices any form of interactive therapy, and I’ve searched for several years. It’s been nothing but psychologists and social workers calling themselves psychotherapists, who scribbled on their yellow legal pads and barely spoke to me, said nothing supportive or kind, and showed no insight, compassion or empathy. The same kinds of people, totally unqualified to address serious problems of any kind, since they were nothing but sounding boards.

    The worst, though, is another type I’ve encountered that I recognize almost instinctively, because the behavior reminds me of what I had to escape: quiet sadists who did not receive the gratification and granting of control they expected from me and so withheld help while keeping me on as a patient; counselors who made false promises, took advantage of my trust, then deliberately witheld assistance and found their gratification instead in my confusion and despair.

    A psychologist-a bad one- once told me that a form of deliberate cruelty is an acceptable method therapists may use to get rid of a patient they don’t want to deal with-offending the patient and/or forcing them to re-experience the trauma of their experiences, not as a therapeutic strategy but to drive the patient away. In searching for help I encountered more people who had no business going into mental health to begin with. I’m moving soon and will resume the search eventually, but it shouldn’t be this difficult.

  • Darren Haber, MFT

    July 25th, 2012 at 8:47 PM

    Hi Syd. Wow, what an articulate, well-written post. I agree with your conclusion about “it shouldn’t be this difficult”; perhaps I’m naive but it still stuns me to hear of alleged mental health providers acting so robotic and cold. (In other words, like jerks) Insight, compassion and empathy are vital to therapy, otherwise you might as well be talking to an ATM machine. I am sorry you had such a rotten experience. You sound like you’d be great to work with: articulate, aware and willing. (You’re not moving to L.A. by chance….?) The fact that not one of these hapless souls appreciated your intelligence and awareness is a very sad statement indeed about this profession, at least as it is practiced in some quarters. Thank you for writing and I hope you find a good fit when you arrive at your new destination.

  • Anonymous

    July 27th, 2012 at 2:11 PM

    What I find really hard about therapy are the questionable comments made that are covered up in later sessions. Some of these comments have led to self-injury because I find them so disturbing.

    I go back to talk about it only to find a therapist talk about memory and perception being fallible. I take these statements personally, but she claims they’re just general comments. Sigh.

    These comments she makes are so tactless that she either has to change the definition of the word, or replace the actual word itself in order to cover herself up. I’m just sitting there seeing someone simply change the rules because she can’t admit to making any mistakes.

    Last session, she claims that I’m the only client that does “this” with her. What “this” is I’ll find out next appointment. All that we did was argue during the meeting, but I’m sure she will find a more appropriate definition for “this” when I go back.

    She works pro-bono. It’s either her or no one. My therapy goes well until these comments are made. Then I get angry because she acts as if nothing has happened. It’s crazy-making. Sometimes her comments are so hurtful, I find it very hard to work, sleep and prevent myself from self-injury.

    I go through all of this turmoil and all she has to do is say it didn’t happen or it didn’t happen the way I think it happened. That just aggravates me even more. I feel like I’m being gaslighted.

    If anyone knows what emotional abuse feels like, then they know that this can be tortuous. If I leave, then I’m on my own with these horrible symptoms. If I stay, there are good moments, but there is a price to be paid. Either way, I’m going to get hurt some more. It’s weird, but this is exactly the way an emotiona abuser would act. But she’s my therapist!

  • Mary S

    August 11th, 2012 at 10:00 AM

    Anonymous,
    See if you can record sessions. If you can get ahold of a recorder, explain to her that, since you so often have disagreements about what was said in sessions, you’d like a way to doublecheck. Then, when you’re concerned about something she said in a session and want to bring it up in the next session, listen to the recording first to make sure what she and you each said. That can help you make sure you aren’t misremembering. Then you can go in and play the tape of the comments in question for her, and tell her what it is you want to say about them. She can’t say you misremembered, if you have it there on tape. Of course, there is still the problem of differing interpretations. They will always occur sometimes, but it shouldn’t be a matter of the client’s interpretation is always wrong — instead, it should be a matter of each person trying to clarify what they said, to make it clearer to the other person.
    I hope this helps.

  • Owen

    July 31st, 2012 at 8:21 AM

    Ive never experienced a mental or emotional issue that was so bad I felt I needed the services of a therapist and for this I am thankful. But, I’m not sure I would go to one after the experiences I have on a social level with 3 different people in that profession .
    I met one therapist at a party that was so drunk she had to be carried to the car and driven home.
    I met another one at a barbeque who was an emotional wreck and appeared to have taken way too much of some kind of medication. The third one lives in the same town I live in and has been in trouble with child services on more than one occasion and the police have been to his house twice.
    Placing my mental health in the hands of people who are unstable themselves makes no sense to me.
    Check these people out before you go. If you feel something isn’t right when you go to their office then leave and find someone you feel comfortable with.

  • Kevin

    August 2nd, 2012 at 2:15 PM

    Hell, My name is Kevin.

    I just posted up a queston about therapist and I came up w/ this site.

    I am a 56 y/o male who has been going to a therapist for a year now.
    The thing that bothers me most is she begins our session and asks “whats up?” or “whats been going on?”, then she keeps quiet all the time as I ramble on about the stress days of the past week.
    Am I suppose to get some sorta feedback from the therapist, like advice or something?
    She is young, about late 20’s I guess.
    I really would like to know if someone else has the same kind of therapist who just sits there, and lets you do all the talking..?
    I am not a chattermouth as to not let her chime in, in fact i’m stuck at times to think what to say.
    Am I just there to talk only?
    Should she be saying or asking me questions?
    I am suicidal, and tried to end my life a year ago.
    I spent a week in the hospital in a coma from an OD.
    I feel a little ok now, but I think it’s the drugs the pyhciatrist doctor has been giving me that are helping me.
    I want so much for her to tell me something and respond to me what to do to get better.
    What should I say to her?
    She also takes me in 15 minutes after my squeduled appointment time and ending the session a few minutes before my hour is up.
    I don’t want to insult her, and I like to talk to her, as I am very comfortable with my therapist.
    The therapist office is in walking distance and takes my insurance. Also, it is very convienant for me to go there as I am partially handicapped.
    I am very attached to going to see her, as I look forward to it, as I have no one else to talk to.

    Can someone please respond to me.?
    What to do?
    Please help.

    Thank you for reading my post.

    Kevin

  • Gwen

    January 18th, 2013 at 9:31 AM

    Kevin, she sounds too young to understand everything you’ve been through. I’d find an older person.

  • Darren Haber, MFT

    August 5th, 2012 at 5:50 PM

    Dear Kevin, thank you for writing such an honest post. Your therapist’s style of staying silent is very “old school”, based on what you say, which in my view doesn’t work anymore for a variety of reasons. I think it’s perfectly fine you want some direct feedback and guidance, and there’s nothing at all wrong with addressing your concerns to your therapist, we therapists need that kind of feedback since each person is different and (to paraphrase Jung) speaks his or her own particular “language”. You may be wanting some kind of a sense of how she’s seeing your treatment, where you are, what might help, what might not be helping, etc. Perhaps her ongoing silence feels like there’s no one there! I don’t think there’s anything wrong with addressing these concerns with your therapist, seeing if she recommends different or additional support for you. (Such as a support group for those who have the symptoms you describe, or more direction from her, etc.) I’m glad you made it through what sounds like an extremely difficult time, it shows your strength and will to live, and I commend you on having the courage to keep moving forward. Thanks again for writing.

  • Kevin Bordeleau

    August 6th, 2012 at 6:50 AM

    I hope that I have posted in the right catagory.

    I want to thank you so very much for your reply and concern.
    I will see my therapist again soon, and will let her know excactly what I need and am looking for.

    Thanks again for you guided help.

    Kevin

  • Darren Haber, MFT

    August 7th, 2012 at 7:37 PM

    Sure thing, Kevin…I think it’s great you have the courage to bring it up! Feel free to write again.

  • Darren Haber, MFT

    August 7th, 2012 at 7:41 PM

    To Anonymous: why does it have to be pro-bono? Sounds like a horrific situation. Is it a clinic where you have to “take” whoever they give you? Are there other options in the area — other clinics, or schools where they teach psychology, and might offer free or low cost therapy? I can’t imagine what “good moments” might make up for feeling you’re being emotionally abused; frankly there’s no excuse for that, and perhaps you need to speak to her supervisor whether she likes it or not. Sometimes I honestly think no therapy is better than abusive or hurtful therapy. Sorry you’re going through that, I cringe when I hear of my colleagues in this field acting so poorly.

  • Alan

    August 8th, 2012 at 8:55 AM

    Very good list – it helped me come to terms with wondering if I really did see a bad therapist in 2006 or if my subsequent therapist was successful because I was more up to the task. It was a bit of both but my 2006 therapist did bully me and push me, while trivialising many of my problems and playing mind games on me. At one point he went into a tirade because he took what I said the wrong way and even tried to defend his actions by telling me what I thought and contemptously finishing off my sentences. On reflection I would have done equally as terribly 3 years later because of this behaviour. While he did instill a passion to look more at solutions than causes, you can’t go half and half with these guys and any red flags ruin treatment.

    There’s 2 things that concern me – one is that when you complain about therapy it is automatically assumed to be something like “nobody likes hearing what they want to hear”. There simply is no recourse for people in some situations when therapists are fuck-ups – it’s not like complaining against doctors where there is a way of proving their treatment is damaging. The other thing is the negativity bias against therapists does add to the problem and detract from making hard decisions and actually confronting issues.

  • Darren Haber, MFT

    August 9th, 2012 at 10:58 PM

    Thanks Alan, appreciate your post. The idea of a therapist “bullying and pushing” you is pretty awful, I have to say. Same with mind games. No excuse for his behavior, sounds awful and that he has some (possible) anger issues. It also sounds like he took some of these out on you, for which there is no good excuse.

    I agree that nothing should be automatically assumed since everything is “context-dependent” and every case is indeed different. Is the therapist sharing honest and caring feedback or is it his opinion? Is he saying in a way the client can process and take in? Sometimes yes “the hard truth” has to be said, but there better be a good reason (i.e., self-harm) and the client needs a chance to express feelings about such transactions.

    I was curious to know what you meant about negativity bias against therapists…? Thanks again for your post. I really hope you found someone more amenable if you chose to continue therapy. You sound like a nice guy and intelligent and I imagine you’re someone a good therapist would like working with.

  • Tammy

    October 14th, 2012 at 3:21 PM

    I agree. A lot of therapists take out their anger issues out on their clients. The client is not responsible for the way the therapist personally feels about the client’s issues.

  • Alan

    August 10th, 2012 at 8:54 AM

    Thanks for your response Darren.

    I did think that my therapist just had it in his mind that bullying me would get me to confront the issues quickly and not to faff about. Unfortunately that army style approach doesn’t work and the biggest thing was that he got it wrong too often by being too aggressive and often based his observations on very detailed semantics of how I said things. I started deliberately leaving throwaway comments into sentences to see how he would react and reacted like as if he had made a breaktrough, insisting that I didn’t know I said them. Really showed a severe lack of credibility.

    It was an old-school approach and 2 items stick out in this regard 25) Not talking at all – he did this strategically and it made me feel like crap and 6) Therapist makes guarantees and/or promises – after giving me a going over and talking down on me about how I wasn’t empowered he guaranteed that I would feel better 6 months down the road should I stay in therapy. It made me feel intimidated, particularly as this was following a rather aggressive session (my 6th) where he said “this is the way it’s going to be. The way I conducted this session – that’s therapy, the previous weren’t real therapy.” It made me feel so small as if he was mocking my work so far.

    By negativity bias I mean that most reviews or talk about therapists is negative. Bad therapists are actually a minority, but many positive stories about therapy that don’t make it onto the web. The problem is that people get discouraged by therapy and don’t do things like going to a friend who knows a good therapist or simply trying another.

    I would be worried that people just assume that if therapy is uncomfortable that it is bad therapy. I did have a few realisations a couple of years later about what I needed to do (yes my therapist in 2006 was bad, but it wasn’t all him) and having done what I would class as good therapy I could see that some people can’t be helped until they can roughly see how they approach it. The other thing was that the therapist I saw then immediately acknowledged that I had taken the first step to solve my own problems by going to her – the difference with the bad one I saw was that without even checking if I understood that ranted the phrase “this has got to come from you” at me, assuming I was completely green on the issue.

  • Alan

    August 10th, 2012 at 9:04 AM

    Another thing I wanted to add to that was that I recently got some therapy through work from an ex-Priory counsellor to add to the therapy I did in 2009-2010. The most striking thing was that when his boss initially assessed me he asked about my therapy history and when I complained about the bad one he asked for his name.

    I’m not exactly sure what was behind that, but I’m guessing some therapists are rooting the bad ones out – this was a pretty top notch practice.

  • Alan

    August 14th, 2012 at 7:45 AM

    Anonymous,

    Hopefully Mary’s advice will help and the best idea is to discuss this with the counsellor as there is always the possibility that your relationship will improve.

    Hopefully you can realise the power of communicating and being able to walk away without regrets should your opinion not be respected. In my opinion it is likely that your counsellor can worm her way out of any situation given the slippery manipulation she is clearly displaying, so it’s worth giving Mary’s advice a try but to be prepared for the possibility that your counsellor has other tricks up her sleeve.

  • Net

    September 11th, 2012 at 4:56 PM

    Good evening,

    I wish I found you sooner!!!
    I am suffering from depression due to my relationship, my boyfriend does not “hear” me (if you know what i mean) and that became a huge issue for me. When ever I wanted to talk about us and when and where and how he sees us his respond was “not now” or “later” or the worst one “is it really so important”. Those things started to make me VERY angry and loose my temper more and more often.
    I went to see therapist and had antidepressant taken for a month or so.
    After maybe 25 hours and it did not make me better at all.
    We had another huge fight with my boyfriend and she (therapist) asked if she could meet him without me, as she put it, he (my boyfriend) will be more comfortable to talk what bothers him in our relationship without my presence. I agreed but asked her to call me and tell me what he said after they meet.
    So did rung me after they meet and told me over the phone that it is my fault I am in such pickle now, as I should not have believe and trust my boyfriend as much as I did. Is not have it should be in relationship of 8 years and where you think about marriage?!
    I never went back to her, her statement put me in even worse state than when I went into therapy.

  • terselucid

    September 23rd, 2012 at 2:26 AM

    I hope my therapist gets eaten by a lion.

  • laura J.

    September 27th, 2012 at 5:12 AM

    I’ve been with my therapist for many years and consider us a good match. Together we have brought me to a place where I am engaging in society again after years of self harming and being in frequent dissociate states. In the last couple of years she has on several occasions looked sleepy- as in almost asleep. She says it is due to menopause, or the sun beating in her room. We have talked about it a few times and she assures me I’m not boring her, but I can’t help but wonder. I don’t want to change therapists at this stage of my treatment- I have just begun school and I feel such a difficult transition would be too much for me; however, this is making me feel very self conscious and anxious. Any suggestions on how to speak to her? Thanks very much

  • Luca

    September 27th, 2012 at 5:15 AM

    Wow! My former therapist displayed 17 out of 50 of the listed ‘warning signs’! It was mostly about him talking endlessly about himself, failing to empathize or to get to know me, after ‘encasing’ me in one of the therapeutic types he was comfortable with.

    definitely a good choice to call it a day and leave therapy.

  • laura jacques

    September 27th, 2012 at 2:32 PM

    I couldn’t wait for your response and brought the sleepiness thing up to my therapist today. She answered me in a way that comforted and reassured me; she really is a wonderful person, and I was very worried that her sleepiness was indicating that she wanted me to terminate therapy, and I still have many areas I need to shore up. She told me that I would be the one to decide when, or if, to terminate therapy and she very much wanted to continue our work together. She took responsibility for her sleepiness without blaming me, and told me she was going to try to do a better job with self care. The only time she gets sleepy that can be put on my shoulders is when I come in very foggy and disociative, and I can understand why that would cause such a reaction. We had a very effective therapy session after our talk, and I left feeling well cared for. Just thought you’d like to hear a positive end to a therapy problem. There are good therapists out there, people, don’t give up; keep looking til you find that perfect fit- the rewards for hard work done with a compassionate therapist like mine can be life changing. I am proof of that.

  • Darren Haber, MFT

    September 29th, 2012 at 5:34 PM

    Hi all, thanks for your posts. Laura J, glad you were able to bring up the issue and find a satisfying answer, and to find your faith in therapy renewed. A good therapist will be able to hear feedback and discuss it honestly and openly, in fact I’d say that feedback is crucial to know what is or is not helping the client. And Net, sorry you had that experience, sounds like you made a good decision. Finally terselucid, care to elaborate?

  • Lisa Rife

    September 30th, 2012 at 6:57 PM

    I am a clinical social worker and have been practicing for 10 years. I have met some licensed therapists who are just downright awful. Some of these therapists were contracted with insurance companies and trying to bill clients for more than they owed, or just being unethical. Some had advanced training but were totally dysfunctional themselves. There are so many therapists out there who are wonderful, and so many who need to find another profession. After reading some of these posts, I am really saddened that some of you have had these negative experiences. For some, beginning the process of therapy is difficult. Any therapist who answers the phone during session is completely dismissive of your feelings and lacks common courtesy. That is YOUR time!! You are paying for it and you should get what you pay for. Therapists should not take advantage of your vulnerability. I have seen that happen frequently. That is a sign of a bad therapist. I have found the best way to find a therapist is to screen them over the phone and pay attention to how you feel when you speak with them. I screened a few before finding the right one. Like one of the above posters mentioned, I avoided those who focused on a single type of intervention or approach. Therapists should not use a one size fits all approach to treat different problems. The best therapists are the ones who are very self aware, and have done a lot of soul searching, and can reflect that in therapy. In my opinion, life experience really matters, along with ongoing training and work with clients. I also would like to add that at some point therapy needs to come to an end. Co-dependency exists in therapeutic relationships too, unfortunately.

  • Lisa Rife

    September 30th, 2012 at 7:04 PM

    I wanted to add that sometimes therapists will be upfront and call clients out on contradictions or inconsistencies. That’s a good thing. It means they have been listening and paying attention. Sometimes what may come across as harsh is meant to make you think and challenge you.

  • Betheroo

    October 5th, 2012 at 5:21 PM

    I just returned from this retreat in Vermont, I flew out from California. It was worth every minute. I was in the the program for Uniform Services, having been injured with PTSD by an explosion while on duty at work as a patrol officer.

    I have my life back and am not triggered by sounds and light that had ruined my life for the past 9 months. I too had seen a psychologist locally who wasted 5 months of my time and money and almost cost me my job by 1 day, by not remembering to fill out and send out form to my HR Dept. I fired her right after that mishap. Leading up to this horrible situation, I would arrive for my appt and she was not there, was handed off to colleague who I didn’t know, spent 30 minutes bringing them up to speed about me and the next 20 minutes on current issues. My psychologist was a waste of time and provided no structure, goals or other ways to help me help myself.

    See Brattleboro if you really care about yourself and your health. Anthem/Bluecross covered me for 20 days.

    You are your own best advocate for health.

  • Kate@signs of period

    October 11th, 2012 at 3:25 AM

    That is such a helpful list. It is very important to know what to expect from your therapist after all it’s a person who you have to trust in a first place but it’s so difficult to do so if you don’t know the person. The list is helpful because it gives me the knowledge about the barriers which my potential therapist should not cross no matter how much I trust him/her.

  • Tammy Clay

    October 14th, 2012 at 2:58 PM

    I lived through the therapy story from hell. A college degree has absolutely no bearing when it comes to whether or not the therapist is a psychologically healthy person. I encourage all people who have had painful experiences in therapy to share their stories.

  • Tammy

    October 14th, 2012 at 4:30 PM

    I had a therapist who tried to push her political affiliation on me by telling me that Bill Clinton has antisocial personality disorder. This therapist was obviously a republican. I personally try to stay neutral when it comes to political affiliation. I think therapists charging clients money to promote their own political affiliation should be added to the list.

  • Sue

    October 16th, 2012 at 3:05 PM

    Su Su, I don’t see the problem as about good therapists vs. bad so much as the fallacies of the underlying model. So often therapy leaves the consumer infantilized and enfeebled. Just on this thread therapists have taken an authoritarian, peremptory tone with other respondents.

    (One therapist here completed a course on using using the internet to fish for new clients, so I assume that’s his motive.)

    Therapy’s artificial role playing often creates the therapist in the image of soothsayer and the client as the supplicant. As Tana Dineen writes, clients too often are encouraged to see themselves as victims. Normal human frailties and life stresses are labeled as illnesses as client languish in their life’s worst moments. Clients often are coaxed to “trust,” to suspend judgment and naively put themselves in the therapist’s hands. This power imbalance creates a fantasy relationship and an unrealistic laboratory for improving life.

    What the profession considers good or ethical therapy still can be extremely harmful. Self-congratulating therapists, thinking they’re doing brilliant work, only might be partners in a folie a deux.

    The power imbalance in therapy is amply evident. If someone deigns to criticize its models, professionals ordinarily will dismiss, label, analyze and patronize. That insincere boilerplate, “thank you for sharing” can be a snarky weapon.

  • Nancy

    October 24th, 2012 at 10:21 AM

    After reading some of the posts here, I think I want to sit down and write a note of appreciation to my therapist! I’ve been working with one person for 7 years, and yes, I’ve been angry at times, but only because anger arises in therapy — never because my therapist has any of the bad habits mentioned here.

    Really folks, there truly are good, professional, caring, helpful therapists out there — don’t give up if the first one you consult is a dud (or worse).

    My heart goes out to those of you who describe horrible, or clueless, or cruel people in the helping professions. But even when the therapist is actually a good fit, it’s still not going to be easy. Therapy — in my limited experience — is bound to be discouraging, over and over. Change is slow, gradual and frustrating, and depends on your own grit and willingness to keep plugging away.

    Best to all of you — keep up your hope.

  • Sue

    October 25th, 2012 at 1:42 PM

    I found the failing of therapy was its overall paradigm. It took me too long to figure out how regressive and demeaning its contrivance was. I regret not simply embracing the life I had. I admire those smart enough to leave therapy and not look back.

  • water

    November 10th, 2012 at 1:39 AM

    Hi, i have suffered from depression for some years and basically attempted to soldier on “stick my head in sand” which resulted in me having a complete break down at the start of October. It would be a long story to share with you the difficulties that have occurred in my life, but also the hurt i brought on my wife and children due to my behavior. I showed no emotions and never shared any of my thoughts. i have just completed a month of intensive treatment by a team of psychotherapists nurses and i now receive medication. How i feel now “a light has been switched on” I look at my sons with love i have not experienced for a number of years and so much what to share with my wife the love i have for her. I can not thanks these nurses enough for the support, guidance and coping strategies they have provided me. Unfortunately my relationship with my wife is going through a very difficult time as my partner is experiencing difficulties due to my behavior over the years and is now seeing a private psychotherapists through her employees which i feel has added more barriers to our relationship. This is due to my wife having her first meeting and returning home and telling me that i suffer from hostile dependency and that i am very angry person. This third party diagnose has come from the conversation my partner has had with my wife and one of the many notes that i was encouraged to write by my nurses, a note that has been shared with my nurses. I shared my thoughts on this diagnose with my wife and was met with “do you want this marriage to work” so i shared her third party diagnose with my nurses and my GP to be told at no point have they consider me to be very angry person and that i have only shown remorse and guilt for the hurt i have caused my partner and children and that i suffered from depression not anything else. Both my nurses and GP state that the note is only displaying emotions/feelings and guilt not angry and that it was wrong for the psychotherapists to have communicated this with your wife. This misdiagnose i feel will only add additional barriers of any possibility of reconcile for me and my wife. I can only now be supportive, patient and attentive to my wife’s feelings whilst ensuring i continue my progress to recovery and minimise the suffering on my sons.

  • water

    November 10th, 2012 at 3:09 AM

    can i ask that you remove my name and add water. Sorry can not edit. Thanks

  • margarets

    November 10th, 2012 at 5:07 PM

    @Su Su Maung

    “But I also believe that therapy can be very helpful”

    Of course you do. It’s your livelihood.

    And please quit with the “few bad eggs” argument. No one knows how many bad eggs there are. But this thread has over 700 posts now, so odds are it’s more than a few.

  • car

    November 19th, 2012 at 2:12 PM

    I advise anyone who has a therapist who basically does nothing but listen to stop going. It is a waste of time and money. If they are not actively working with you on your problems, in ways that you can understand and that help, then don’t bother continuing. Every psych should have an treatment method and organized plan for you. Do not accept anything less. These people who just sit there and listen are nothing more than a racket. This field needs tough regulation.

  • Em

    November 25th, 2012 at 6:27 PM

    I am a counseling student/intern who has been on both sides of the therapy couch and I want to say that Sue and Mary S. are both right on the money.

    I had a couple of good therapists when I was in college, but in the last few years have been stunned by the belittling treatment I’ve encountered, even as a fairly effective person who is a student in the field and knows the theory/lingo. I really don’t understand where counselors/psychologists/therapists get off treating clients like objects, or implying that their own opinions or view of reality holds more weight than the clients. It is absolutely about the power imbalance.

    Doesn’t anyone read Carl Rogers anymore? We’re all just human. Pretending to know more than a client is nothing but self-deception.

    I would hope that some therapeutic modalities have a lesser incidence of power abuse (Humanistic/Rogerian, Motivational Interviewing, Solution-Focused Brief Therapy) but I’m really not so sure.

    I cannot abide when I hear other professionals or colleagues pathologizing clients. It makes me feel sick.

    Thank you for letting me rant.

  • Kellie M.

    November 28th, 2012 at 9:32 AM

    I appreciate this blog. It helps to know there’s good information available for the many people who will encounter an unethical therapist in their search for healing.

    I recently read that a therapist in Vancouver, with whom I once worked (and slept) after being a client, has been permanently barred from the AAMFT -who once gave him an award!- for unethical relationships with clients. This means some woman was courageous enough to report him. I am filled with admiration for her, and also some guilt. He behaved the same way with me (cheating on his girlfriend with me, getting me to work for free, borrowing money) and I was devastated, but never legally charged him.

    I did find ethical treatment, and was able to recover later, but I’ll never forget the damage he did.

    I hope word will spread about his debarment and fewer people will be taken in by his surface charm. He continues to practice and, if I know him, to tell anyone who’ll listen that it’s someone else’s fault. He’s a narcissist, so it always will be someone else’s fault, won’t it!

    Thanks for the chance to share this and to learn more about this important issue.

    Good therapy to all,

    Kells

  • Angela

    December 15th, 2012 at 5:52 PM

    For the first time in my life I decided to go see a therapist to deal with past issues, which I think are holding me back from moving forward and accomplishing my goals. After the third session, I decided to fire the therapist because of her sarcastic comments and very judgemental attitude. There was no empathy at all, and she only saw things her way. I was completely surprised! I’m still not sure if I should see another one or just forget about therapy.

  • Natalie

    January 12th, 2013 at 9:24 AM

    Angela,
    I am sorry that you had a bad experience. I am a counselor, and I fully support “shopping” for the right fit. I tell my clients that after they meet me with me they will know if they feel it is a good fit. If it is not a good fit, and you feel comfortable saying why, that could be helpful feedback. I would be grateful to know if I needed to tone it down etc. for future clients. It takes a lot of courage to go to counseling, hang in there and try another therapist. Ask friends and family for names of people they have seen or heard of. Ask the counselor about their approach to counseling and what they believe they can offer you. Also share the reason you did not feel comfortable with the last therapist so the next therapist can be aware and mindful of that. I know finding the right fit can be a harrowing time, but it will be well worth it when you find the right fit and take care of what is holding you back from fully living. Best wishes, NT

  • Odessa

    December 31st, 2012 at 2:47 PM

    I hope for everyone on this board the best of luck. I know the number of people with positive experience with mental health far out number the people with negative experience. Which is good, at least some people are getting something out of it, but I do hope that one day the voices of the latter get to be heard.

  • HappyFaceKY

    January 6th, 2013 at 8:57 AM

    Hi,
    I hope you will forgive me for not putting my real first name , I am just afraid . I just found your blog about the subject I’ve been concerned about . a little about me I am 48 years old woman that have been very abused by my mother ,she had 27 diffrent personallitys, she was also abused in her childhood. she abused me and my sisters but I was her ‘pick ‘ for the abuse . she locked me in a closet with spiders in a jar when i was 3 years old people say you cant rember that but i do .she sexually abused me as well as mental phyisical you name it she did it.I cant explaine much more about myself with out breaking down from the flash backs, i still have so any way i will leave it at that,i was rapped at 14 by a 27 year old man . so i learned not to trust men or women. my grand mother blamed me for the rape didnt get me any help ,this tought me at14 i was on my won as far as people loving me or even showing me compassion,then there was a family member that molested me as a child . i was looking for help for all my issues.I found this councler in my town .forgive my mispelling i am very dyxlica and spell check dosent help me lol. well i went into this councler (he was male) i told him first thing i didnt trust men and why i didnt trust men.well he told me with all i went threw in my passed its a wonder i didnt trust men. i told him i knew all men and women wasnt like my parents . so he builted up my trust. and this is something i just cant tell my husband . he the concler would after he got my trust he would talk about masterbating,this was a very touchie subject with me and i let him know it. he would drop the subject.this went on for weeks this kind of bringing up the subject then dropping it.well one day,he was acting diffrent then he started talking about the sex stuff again,then he asked me did i want to see it . i didnt answer. he pulled it out .it scared the stuff out of me , i flashed to getting rapped from my passed .i guess he could see the fear in my face. well i stopped seeing him. i would call him try to talk to him about a panic atack i was having trying to understand what was happning then he starts talking about sex and starts pleasureing his self while on the phone with me it shocked me. that he was beliving i wanted to hear that. well i hung up and was thinking maybe it didnt happen. so it was weeks befor i called him again the same thing happen,so i hung up again ,then he called me back i lied telling him my cell phone lost the connection. he said he was sorry,in the mean time ,he told me to come in to his office ,he told me he had another job,in two weeks he would be leaving,well we talked again things were going fine then he pulled it out again and asked wouldnt i love to have this then he started talking about the things he found sexy in me and that i would be fun in bed with .my phone rang in my pocked thank god it was my husband ,i told him i would be right out. so i told the councler i had to go he wasnted a hug but i just walked out of his office. i had to get my self together befor i got into the car my husband would know somthing happend. this councler i wonder if he did the same thing to another girl.i am afraid to tell on him most of all i am ashamed i feel i am the blame .what should i do tell my husband? turn him in the councler? this was 2 years ago

  • HappyFaceKY

    January 6th, 2013 at 9:04 AM

    I havent call this concler again sents this last time. I am really sorry I trusted him. I should have lessioned to my instic about him . now i am just ashamed i was so guillable .

  • HappyFaceKY

    January 6th, 2013 at 9:08 AM

    the whole time this was happening in his office the sexual talk I was scanning the room for something to hit with if he atacked me and looking for a way out of the room by busting the window out i was panicing deep inside. was i over reacting ?now i dought my self finding another councler.

  • John Livingstone, MD

    January 7th, 2013 at 12:33 PM

    One of the first things people can ask a prospective therapist for themselves or their child is how long his or her training took, and was it full time, and with what case-related supervision and did the training include personal psychotherapy with their own personality parts that are likely to get triggered by patient/clients? If he\she doesn’t understanding the questions or side steps the answers, try someone else. Also, ask for a recommendation from a pschotherapist who knows his or her work recently.

  • Mary S

    January 8th, 2013 at 12:43 PM

    Some “food for thought” comments on posts by car (January 6) and Nancy (Oct 24):

    car,
    I partly agree with you, especially that “If they are not actively working with you on your problems, in ways that you can understand and that help, then don’t bother continuing.” But, “Every psych should have an treatment method and organized plan for you,” sounds too one-size-fits-all for me – or possibly I’m misinterpreting what you intend. Here’s how I see it:

    Therapy needs to make sense to the client. If the therapist says things like, “Because I say so,” or, “Trust me,” or similar “I am the authority; don’t question me” type things, that’s not good therapy. The therapist needs to be willing to answer questions about what they’re doing and why. They need to give evidence that they’re competent to help you. And they need to practice informed consent in an ongoing manner, and be willing to change their approach (or refer you to someone better able to help you) if it is not working to accomplish goals acceptable to the client.

    But in some cases, I think that “just listening,” or something close to it, can indeed be helpful. For example, I suspect that what might have helped me a lot may have been a therapist who listened carefully to what I had to say, possibly occasionally asking well-thought-out questions (e.g., “I’m not sure what you are intending to say by such-and-such. Is it A, or B, or C, or am I completely off base?), and occasionally responding by (honest) comments such as, “I see,” or, “I hadn’t considered that possibility, ” or maybe even, “I don’t agree with that. Here are my reasons.” This would have provided a safe and supportive environment for me to “practice speaking my voice” figuratively, as well as to gain needed practice in oral communication and being the center of attention, and thereby would have helped me gain confidence in my ability to do these things outside of therapy – these are large parts of what I went to therapy for. Of course, this would not be a passive activity for the therapist; it would require skill and careful attention not to introduce anything extraneous.

    Nancy,

    I appreciate the thought behind your comment, “Really folks, there truly are good, professional, caring, helpful therapists out there — don’t give up if the first one you consult is a dud (or worse),” but I’d like to point out that we need to be careful about classifying people as “caring” or not.

    I don’t know about you, but my experience is that virtually everyone cares about something – but there are many things we can care about, and many ways that caring might be expressed, and so sometimes one person’s caring conflicts with the kind of caring another person needs. And then sometimes the person giving the caring feels unappreciated or insulted. I think this happens all too often in therapy (as well as in other relationships), and is often an important factor in producing harmful therapy. In particular, a therapist may be great for one client who needs the kind of caring that therapist gives, but the therapist may be unhelpful (or even harmful) for another client who needs a different kind of caring. A really good therapist is aware of this, is good at recognizing what kind of caring each client needs, and is flexible enough to give the needed kind of caring, not just a one-size-fits-all caring. Of course, this is a tall order – a “good enough” therapist may not be adept at all of this, but will be aware of the problem and quick to refer clients to other therapists better suited to the client’s needs if they can’t give the needed type of caring.

  • Ethan

    January 11th, 2013 at 5:40 AM

    I have a friend who is seeing a therapist–a psychologist who uses art therapy as one of the tools to help her clients. My friend works for a big company with a mental health insurance program. This therapist recently gave up trying to get on this insurance program’s list of approved therapist (in network). I do know that the therapist would get paid more by the insurance company than what my friend pays out of pocket. This therapist said she had tried for 3 years to get approved and told my friend a variety of reasons/excuses why she didn’t get approved, including that the insurance company lost her paperwork. I care about my friend very much and all I want is for her to get good treatment from an honest professional therapist. Is this ordeal with the insurance company a red flag and how concerned should we be that after 3 years of trying to get in-network, this therapist gave up?

  • Natalie

    January 12th, 2013 at 9:00 AM

    Ethan,
    Your friend is fortunate to have someone like you who cares so much. It sounds like your friends has a caring therapist too. It has been my experience when trying to get on panels, that certain insurance companies only allow a limited number of providers per area or city. It may be that they simply are not allowing any more providers on their panel. Sometimes therapists can make single case agreements with insurance companies, but from what I know, they are rare and have stipulations. If the therapist tried repeatedly to get on the panel, I would say at some point it there is no reason for the therapist to keep fighting a battle they will not win. Your friend can call the insurance company and ask for an exact reason why they won’t allow the therapist on the panel. This is why many therapists are not dealing with insurance companies at all now. Many therapists have been spending so much time on that end of the work, that they become frustrated as it impedes the real work they want to be doing. Best, NT

  • Kimberly

    January 14th, 2013 at 7:37 AM

    Our marriage counselor who is now seeing my husband as an individual, began the very 1st session with, “you may not come to an agreement on issues and these may cause a divorce, are you prepared” she then turned me against him by stating “you aren’t emotionally invested” adding fuel to a fire then ended our 1 hour session stating “I just don’t know if you 2 can make it! You have so many issues this will take 3-5 years maybe more working with me weekly to hopefully get you both to a place you can stay together are you prepared to do this because if not I cant help you” I left after visit 3, he went alone, 2 visits later moved out without notice or warning and refuses contact with us. And we have a child!!!! She is influencing his separation and telling him “create distance, you aren’t healthy enough be near your family, take care of only you right now, don’t make any sudden moves”
    She labeled him Codependent so he is fully buying everything she says with no second opinion and refuses to listen to me, his wife!

    How do you list these warning signs on this site?

  • Now

    January 17th, 2013 at 9:23 AM

    I have a history of abuse. When I told my therapist that I wouldn’t stay in a job if I had an abusive co-worker, she disagreed and challenged my decision. She said these people are everywhere and you can’t avoid them. I was in so much distress that I started to self-injure. For three sessions she held her ground, but on the third finally replaced “abusive” with “jerks”. I got so upset because whenever we get into arguments about what is said in the room, she talks about how everyone has a different perception of events and how memory is fallible. I told her that she sounded a lot like a gaslighter and that these sessions could be re-traumatizing me.

    I’ve seen her for three years. She’s working pro-bono. Where I live, you have to pay to get help to recover from abuse and, unfortunately, paying for a therapist costs just as much as renting a second apartment.

    She’s a very nice, warm-hearted person, but can’t seem to admit to making mistakes. Whenever she says something wrong, I’m sure the gaslighting begins again. She’s agreed to using a voice recorder in the room and, believe it or not, has been pretty good since.

    But I still ask for apologies and always get the same one: I’m sorry if what I said made you feel bad. Which, of course, isn’t an apology at all.

  • margarets

    January 17th, 2013 at 7:54 PM

    Odessa, you wrote:

    “I know the number of people with positive experience with mental health far out number the people with negative experience.”

    How do you know?

  • Odessa

    January 25th, 2013 at 3:25 AM

    Whoever replied to me:
    If it weren’t true, than there wouldn’t be so many people who stand by therapy and defend it; and so few (even though I am one of them) who think differently. It doesn’t take a lot to notice it…

  • Karla-ky

    January 17th, 2013 at 11:38 PM

    I hope some one can give me some advice ,I went to a therapist, I thought he was a trusting one till he did some things that I felted were really wrong like making passess at me telling me how pretty I was. I have been abused all my life .when i went to him I was in a panic, my flash backs from my childhood abuse from my father and his friends ,I just had to talk about it. my mother also sexually abused me . I told him i didnt trust easly from all the abuse I had been threw all of my life I am48 years old this doctor started turning the therapy into sexual he would ask me if i masterbated after us talking i told him how i felted that it was wrong for us to speak about such things then ,he got aggresavie with me sexually telling me i wanted him and then he exposed his self to me .I feel so ashamed for trusting him ,I fetled he was one of them (abusers) for some reasion i dont think he took another job becalse of better pay what he told me . i think someone turned him in for doing the same thing to another women . I know not all therpest are like him . should i report him? i am just so ashamed for what all hes done . hes done more than i have told my husband i am too afraid to tell my husband how abusive this therpist was he has given me his cell phone number and i have called him asking for advice his talking always turns to sexual then he will start to pleasure his self over the phone then i hang up on him this has happen a few times i dont dare ever call him again for fear of him talking sexual to me , i dont want a sexual relationship with him just advice .anyone have any advice for me ?the man is a good councler but i dont like it turning sexual . i just feel hes so wrong . i want to speak up about this but i am ashamed for trusting him at all i feel like a big fool.

  • Betty

    January 19th, 2013 at 8:45 AM

    This man is not a therapist, he’s a predator. Do not feel shame about HIS behavior. You are in need and vulnerable and he was feasting on that, which is a horrible betrayal and means that he’s incompetent. If I were you I would talk to an attorney first because he will retain one immediately when you file a complaint. You will need to tell your husband about his behavior, no matter what you decide unless your husband is part of your problem. Also, with your history, a female therapist is a better choice and I would obtain one right away to help you deal with this added trauma. Good luck.

  • Odessa

    January 25th, 2013 at 3:34 AM

    I think it would be helpful if people looked up Harold Searles’, “The Effort to Drive the Other Person Crazy” list.
     “…each of these techniques tends to undermine the other persons confidence in his own emotional reactions and his own perception of reality.”

    Be careful if your therapist does any of those. Take care.

  • margarets

    January 25th, 2013 at 9:24 PM

    Odessa

    How do you know that “so many” people defend therapy? How many? Who counted? When? How? Where is the evidence that such a count ever happened?

    Your statement must be supported with hard data and evidence. Just repeating it doesn’t make it true.

  • Odessa

    January 26th, 2013 at 2:50 PM

    margarets,
    Please tell me you are not trying to argue with somene who is on your side.

    I didn’t mention anything as to proof because it honestly does. not. take a lot to notice that there are more people who support therapy, it would be like pointing the obvious so mentioning is redundant. As for asking for hard data, that would be unfair to everyone else on this board who have shared their experience with bad therapy as anecdotal evidence is not hard evidence. You need to pick your fights.

  • margarets

    January 27th, 2013 at 8:07 PM

    Odessa

    Jeepers. How is it “unfair” to ask for evidence to back up your claim? That reeks of a cop-out.

    Seeing as this thread has over 700 posts and is BY FAR the most active thread on this website, it’s not at all “obvious” that “so many” people support therapy.

  • Odessa

    January 29th, 2013 at 2:07 PM

    Margarets,
    Rudeness is not required for an open discussion. People come here hoping to be heard because of the overwhelming bias approval of psychology outside of here. If you don’t see it now and also above all respond aggressively than I am afraid nothing can help you.
    Just because there are few of us (and yes 700+ compared to the general acceptance of therapy is few) does NOT mean that we should be invalidated. It does NOT mean bad therapy does not exist . It does NOT mean we shouldn’t have a voice. Also, it especially does NOT mean that something shouldn’t be done.
    If you are willing to overlook the encouragement these people deserve, the help I’m trying to give and the fact that we are fighting the same fight all for a technicality of my original comment then there is nothing I can do for you.

    Also, if you could, Just please leave me alone. People like me, who are invalidated because we believe that therapy isn’t always ethical, do not need anymore invalidation let alone aggressiveness.

  • Sue

    January 29th, 2013 at 8:27 AM

    I’m convinced that many therapy proponents have, in essence, bought the snake oil. I was a sucker myself initially.

    I cried with my cooing, chunky-sweatered therapist about my mean mommy. After my “catharsis” Dr. Sideshow offered the magical fiction that I’d gone through the secret ceremony and my life improved. She was convinced herself that she had fixed me (something she says about another client on a video.)

    It took great distance to realize on my own that there is no secret anointment, and that this “successful therapy” was showmanship, hype and wishful thinking. Rather than being helpful, therapy fostered my childish inclinations toward subordination and deference.

    How do you measure the quality of a human life, and how do you attribute that quality to an isolated factor? This is the problem with an art masquerading as a science.

    (Speaking of data, there is that little number that a significant percentage of those who start therapy flee it quickly.)

  • margarets

    January 30th, 2013 at 9:34 AM

    @Odessa – Wait, what? There was no rudeness in my replies. You made a claim with no evidence to back it up. I called you on it. That’s not rude. That’s debate.

    You still claim that therapy has “general acceptance”. Based on what? who? where? when?

    No one here disputes that therapy isn’t always ethical. I’m disputing your claim that “the number of people with positive experience with mental health far out number the people with negative experience.”

    “Far outnumber”? What are the numbers?

    (A first-year undergraduate would not get away with such a statement with no evidence, so I don’t see what’s wrong with calling out an adult on it.)

    You dismiss the 700+ posts as “few” compared to the unsubstantiated “general acceptance”. Now THAT’s invalidating.

    Also, it’s not your place to say why people come to this thread.

  • Sue

    January 30th, 2013 at 9:48 AM

    I’ve observed people THINKING they are helped by therapy, when actually they appeared sucked into cult-like thinking: self-obsession, victimhood, fixation with therapy itself, blaming, jargonizing, categorizing, labeling. Much professional literature by therapists is utter condescension, objectification and pathologizing. I read therapists applaud dependency and urging “patients” to compliance by suspending their judgment. Professionals say that feeling bad means a patient is improving.

    So when people report therapy’s benefits, I’m skeptical of much of it. These are reports from an artificial echo chamber as far as I’m concerned.

  • k-k

    January 30th, 2013 at 7:42 PM

    I’m going to ignore the obvious ongoing argument just to respond to the original post.

    I just want to say that that list must be terribly daunting for a therapist. There are so many ethical and professional traps they can fall into – maybe some are obvious, but a lot I bet are really subtle, especially in practice, when you’re trying to respond to the needs of your client in the moment.

    What amazed me, after reading all that, is realizing how my therapist – after years – has almost always kept strictly to the boundaries outlined in that list. As difficult as I imagine that task to be. And then – after a very long time when she knew me very well – was able to flex and make “exceptions” when it was to my benefit.

    SO of course, there are incompetent, misguided and even predatory therapists out there. But for the rest – I think the task in front of them is tremendously formidable, and I’m grateful there are so many talented, ethical and professional people willing to take it on. And for the most part for relatively little pay!

  • margarets

    February 1st, 2013 at 9:37 AM

    Interesting, k-k.

    You have a good therapist who has “almost” always kept to the rules, and you’re grateful that there are “so many” good therapists out there, earning “little” pay (how selfless of them!), and yet you sought out a blog post about questionable therapy. And your first comment on the post just happened to praise therapists.

    If your experiences have been so good and you are so grateful, what brought you here, of all places?

  • Marta Obucina

    February 2nd, 2013 at 4:07 PM

    Are school counselors required to give a person copies of everything they signed? My grand- daughter’s counselors had me, her grand mother sign a release for school counseling. Not her mother, who is her legal guardian. I have asked twice via email. I also put a stop to the counseling after reading your site list of questionable warning signs. Out of fifty they were pushing 10 or more. I took her to a different counselor where our family goes now and we are thriving under them. Thanks for this site, by the way. My daughter is recovering from a brain tumor, experimental radiation was done at St Jude’s in Memphis. Her daughter makes good grades in class , and has not any behavior problems other than talking to much in class. There was an issue with the school counselor and my daughter, which was resolved, but I don’t have the whole story on that, and it was not to the counselors satisfaction and I really think it has been an ego thing on their part. My daughter and I have been followed openly at the school by both the counselor and the principal, gossiped about( we live in a very small town), and this upset has followed my grand- daughter to a different school, in the same district. Do school counselors have any privacy laws they are bound by?

  • Sue

    February 2nd, 2013 at 6:51 PM

    I’ve shared the same curiosity as MargaretS. I puzzle why people so ecstatically happy with the insightful treatment they’ve received from magnificent therapists would bother to find this thread and participate its the discussion.

    These posts (which only began appearing in the last several months) have a similarity– clients so divinely thrilled with treatment their posts sound like public relationship copy for the profession.

  • terselucid

    February 6th, 2013 at 5:32 AM

    My psychologist liked to use the “gaslighting” technique on me, although somewhat exagerrated it would go something like this:

    Psy: “I can’t talk to you if you’re aggressive or angry. ”

    Me: “But I’m not acting that way, what behaviors do you deem agressive or angry?”

    Psy: “Just the agressive ones like you arguing is being aggressive.”

    Me: “Well, I’m not arguing”

    Psy: “Just letting you know I’m not going to argue with you” (silence for the remainder of my session)

    OR the time he actually just outright told me to shut up (you know, the “talk therapy” where the counselor tells you to shut up)

    OR another conversation:

    Me: “Dr. (blank) I really need to tell you something, could you please listen”…

    Psy: “go ahead, I’m listening”

    Me: “the other day…(him interrupting me)

    Psy: “just letting you know I’m listening”

    Me: “well, as I was saying, the other day”… (2 seconds later-him interrupting)

    psy: “yes, I’m listening”

    Me: “well, the other day” (2 seconds later-him interrupting)

    psy: “go ahead”

    Me: (silence)

    Psy: “go ahead”

    Me: (silence)

    then my next session a week later he states: “you really need to open up more” YES, I did report Dr. Douchebag to the ethics board.

  • terselucid

    February 6th, 2013 at 8:08 AM

    In adding to my previous comment; interactions happened slowly over several years of seeing this guy. This made it hard to notice any one thing. Also, I was younger and had no idea what “counseling” was about, I didn’t know how this licensed professional was working outside normal counseling behaviors. It started out with stuff like him canceling one of my sessions while I was arriving into his parking lot. But I dismissed it as a scheduling error and an honest mistake. But the following session consisted solely of his reprimanding me for making a joke about it. Never giving me an opportunity to express my opinion, feelings, or thoughts on the matter. After he finished demoralizing me, he then gave me a condescending hand shake as if I was to thank him for berating me. Then he shuffled me out his door. I remember the mesmerized state of mind I fell into. No further explanation, discussion, or understanding followed, only my fear. And I don’t know why I returned. Maybe to prove to myself that I wasn’t afraid. I’m not sure. But if I had truly been informed and understood counseling better, then I might have known this to be aspects of worse things to come. Also, I was under pressure between work and college and I guess I either wanted or needed his help in my life. Although, many of his interactions encouraged me to have meltdowns, (i.e. interrupt me at 2 second intervals, admonish me harshly, send me home crying) with no way of processing anything. Then in following sessions he’d let me blame myself for my negative experience. Eventually it was painful to admit that he just didn’t care. It clearly didn’t matter that I’d ask for explanations because he reacted as if my problems were interfering with the counseling (now a laughable notion).
    And to think, it was very bad for him to know that it was not working, but allow it to go on anyway. He knew way before I ever did. How could I? I trusted him to do his job as a professional in the same way I would trust my plumber to do their job. To say that he didn’t provide the basic consideration, and care a counselor needed to provide to help me is a severe understatement. At the very least I needed to be treated with respect no matter what.
    Thank goodness I found a different psychologist with whom I feel safe. He has more experience and is helping me undo some of the harm done by the other guy. And its more like counseling, rather than a really screwed up relationship. He shows an interest in my well being. For me it’s eery how he listens to my experiences. I mean he REALLY listens. I think he gets me, is honest, and helpful without confusing or damaging me. Amazing difference!

  • Mary S

    February 25th, 2013 at 8:27 AM

    terselucid,

    There’s so much in this post that echos my own experiences in therapy – the mesmerized state of mind; the lack of explanation, discussion, or understanding; the fear; not knowing why I returned (except maybe to prove to my self that I wasn’t a quitter?); the difficulty admitting the possibility that the therapist didn’t care or wasn’t competent; the therapist reacting as if the problems I went to therapy for help with were interfering with the process; trusting the same way I would trust a plumber; the lack of any semblance of being treated with respect.

    I am glad to hear you found a better psychologist who is helping you undo some of the harm in your first experience. I was not so lucky – I went from the frying pan into the fire in trying another therapist. But possibly your being able to find a better therapist is a sign that the profession in general is improving (although clearly your first experience is a sign that it still needs a lot of improvement).

    Thank you for posting.

  • jeannie

    February 27th, 2013 at 3:40 AM

    ask any potential therapist in advance, on the phone, what they thought about the self analysis part of their training. if they say “oh, there wasn’t anything worth talking about,” don’t bother making even one appointment. if they say “wow, fantastic, sobering, changed my life, still learning” give them a try. hugs j

  • Mary S

    March 2nd, 2013 at 8:21 AM

    Jeannie,

    I realize your suggestion is well-intended, but therapist responses such as “wow,” “fantastic,” and “changed my life” would be too dramatic for me. One size does not fit all in therapy, so these responses might be signs of what would be helpful for some clients (perhaps including you?), but they give no indication that the therapist would be able to supply the explanation and discussion that were lacking in terselucid’s and my therapy experiences.

    By the way, I have tried more therapists than the “frying pan” and “fire” mentioned above. Those two were the worst – at least, of ones I went back to. But making broad (often dramatic-sounding) statements plus lack of explanation and discussion seemed to be a common theme in the therapists I tried, and in much of the reading I’ve done about therapy. I’m not saying that these are “bad” personal qualities, just that they are unhelpful in a therapist for me.

    If you can give some explanation of why you believe the responses you mentioned would make a therapist worth trying, I’m willing to consider your explanation – but it’s not at all obvious to me why these would be encouraging responses, rather than raising doubts in my mind about the therapist’s suitability to help me.

  • JM

    February 22nd, 2013 at 2:22 AM

    Therapist encourages transference, e.g., she tells you that she loves you, that she is like a mother to you, gives you gifts, hugs you, tells you that her other patients are your “soul siblings,” discloses personal information about herself, asks you to lunch, attends your wedding, work events, etc.

  • Mary S

    February 25th, 2013 at 8:09 AM

    JM, Yes these are definitely signs of questionable (to put it mildly) therapy. But I would call them boundary violations rather than encouraging transference.

  • Sue

    March 12th, 2013 at 11:30 AM

    The mere framework of therapy harmed me. That mesmerized mindset primed me to deify my therapist. The therapist pretended a knowledge and authority he really didn’t possess. I look back now thinking nothing in therapy was authentic. It was a performance.

    If you asked me at the time, I was convinced therapy had changed my life. But now I see it as a medicine wagon trick. I was duped. But I suspect my therapist was duped too.

  • Elizabeth Mahler

    March 23rd, 2013 at 10:36 AM

    What about spanking? Is it considered acceptable for a therapist to engage in spanking therapy, or for a child psychologist to recommend that a parent spank a child for misbehaving?

  • Keith Miller

    March 26th, 2013 at 6:59 PM

    I think we need to add something about counselors that say they can help couples but have done little more relationship therapy training than a few weekend workshops. I’m going to publish this list for our clients since I think therapy is better for people who know what’s out there.

  • Confused

    April 6th, 2013 at 5:38 PM

    Question: My wife and I just went to our first MC appointment. After the meeting, my wife was in need of another single/solo meeting. The next day I called the MC to say “great, so happy my wife is able to talk to someone finally. I’d like to also get an appt. for myself”. She called back and said she can “no longer see me as its a conflict of interest”??? Is this a normal response for a MC to say?

  • Katherine

    April 10th, 2013 at 7:52 PM

    This is so interesting to read. I’ve had some counselling that worked and some counselling that was a bad fit. I have figured out that if I seek counselling again I’ll look for someone from a similar social background as myself. I just can’t be myself around people who grew up in the professional class. I actually sat down for an hour a fortnight for about ten months and performed for this person because I could not be myself around her. We were just too far apart. Why did I do this? I thought if I bailed on it, that would be a reflection on some kind of poor attitude towards learning on my part – ridiculous. We just didn’t have anything in common. Except, perhaps, for an interest in “how the mind works”, which is a waste of money I think, spending $90.00 to investigate every little thought you have in company, when you could do it as profitably for free on your own. In the end, I just grew to resent her. We were so different, I thought a lot of her belief-system was hokey, and she seemed to think that I was excessively uncouth, as if this was some kind of…illness? We were just brought up differently. People smoked and drank and listened to loud music in my house, cats ate their dinner on the table, all the teenagers in my neighbourhood smoked and drank…it was normal. I felt like I was really in a situation in which someone from a more polished background was pathologising class behaviours. A conspiracy to make us more docile, I think it has a lot to do with class. The self-help movement originated in Victorian England and was seen as a way to alter working-class behaviours in order to make them more passive employees. There is a large body of scholarly work on this.

  • nadine

    April 20th, 2013 at 1:54 PM

    situation
    3 months ago, i saw a therapist that my attorney advised me to consult with him. the first appointment for one hour was great, and my therapist did some test for me and told me that I am seek and I need to see a psychiatrist for medecines wich I did. then we set a plan and asked me to meet with him every week.
    but I was busy and I couldn’t call him to set a new appointment.
    two months later, I called him to start the therapy. but he never answered me. He rather called my attorney and he said that I did not show up for two months. I don’t see the relation.
    my attorney asked him to send him a letter evaluating my mental health but he refused because i did not show up again.
    my question is has he the right to refuse to write this letter for a court purpose. it is just a letter of evaluation? Has he the right to ignore me and not answering my phone to schedule appointments with him. I feel like he just wanted to use me because of my situation.

  • Lenore

    April 24th, 2013 at 12:51 AM

    Therapist tells you that it is ok to drink alcohol, and you should do whatever it takes to help you to get through your experience/trauma.

  • Lenore

    April 24th, 2013 at 1:07 AM

    Yup! It should be: “51 Warning Signs of Questionable Therapy and Counseling”

  • Lenore

    April 24th, 2013 at 7:30 PM

    Therapist dumped me after three years of therapy and $10,000 later. There was no feedback in the appointments, and when I asked for a referral to someone else, I was told that my case was too complicated for another therapist to understand. I felt very vulnerable and as if no one would be available to help me, so I stayed with her. She would send me emails stating that she loved me and called me darling when I asked to see someone else. I thought she cared. She encouraged me to stay on with her saying that my case was too complicated for another therapist to understand. I stayed because I was in a crisis and felt very vulnerable, helpless, and afraid. Then very suddenly out of the blue this therpaist stated that my therapy was over. What is worse is that she told me to use alcohol to get through the past 3 years. Now I am very sad and more confused than ever. I asked for her help, but it is very clear to me that I am being abandoned. What is worse is that I have gone from feeling numb to the point where I now can’t seem to stop crying. My emotions are out of control. I can’t stop crying. My therapist also bought me an encouragement card and a gift which confused me more. I am very sad, all alone, and even worse now, I am afraid to see another therapist. I feel deeply wounded.

  • Mary S

    May 1st, 2013 at 7:45 PM

    Lenore,
    I am so sorry to hear of your experience. The therapist you describe acted unethically on several accounts. Crying almost all the time is understandable after your experience — you have plenty to cry about. Hang in there. It has taken me many years, but the crying is much less common now. Just keep doing the best you can — “Keep on keeping on” has helped me get through the toughest moments. I can’t always get to it right away, but I try to remember to say the “mantra” when I can, and I think it has helped.

  • Sue

    April 29th, 2013 at 11:46 AM

    Posts above on this thread refer to a blogs discussing poor experiences. Mine(which includes links to others) is:

    Bad therapy? A disgruntled psychotherapy ex-client speaks her piece.

    A resource I found helpful:
    TELL: Therapy Exploitation Link Line

    I bother to speak out in response to the mental health community’s seeming incuriosity regarding harm in therapy. These professionals pose as objective scientists. Yet Diana’s rant, post #187, seems the typical response to complaining clients.

  • Sue

    May 4th, 2013 at 9:20 AM

    Lenore, I agree with Mary S, what you describe seems so unethical.

    For me the pain came from the therapist presenting himself as a healer, an authority, who would ease life’s pain if only I deferred to and complied with him.

    It was a giant conflict–either I accept his contemptuous perception of me or admit that the entire set-up was a con and a sham. It’s excruciating to accept that I was fooled, that I essentially handed him the weapon and his rituals were nothing but a mechanical performance the guy was taught in graduate school.

    But as I got distance, accepting the con-artist idea left me more whole. It’s refusing to see myself through someone else’s manipulative. mercenary lens.

    Before anyone jumps in with the “most therapists are caring” line, I’ll explain that I do agree with it. However, I don’t think therapists understand the potential for damage from their artificial super-parent protocol. Their paternalistic role-playing is so part of our culture, it escapes scrutiny.

  • nic

    May 10th, 2013 at 9:50 AM

    Therapist nod’s off regularly while in session

  • FabuLiz

    May 16th, 2013 at 9:09 AM

    Do you have a blog I can subscribe to?

  • Michelle

    May 22nd, 2013 at 7:51 PM

    My husband is in alcohol treatment. Anyway I had to take a paper up that has to be done for his Leave of Absence from work. I called the counselor to let him know and told him I will bring it up and explain to my husband what needs to be done to the paperwork. He said ok. I get there and let them know I’m here for my spouse. They say he’s busy at the moment and I say that’s ok I’ll wait. The counselor comes to the waiting room and starts telling me in front of everyone I’m hindering my husbands recovery and that if I don’t leave he will have me removed! I’m speechless not to mention very upset and embarrassed because the waiting area was full. I do not know this counselors credentials and I have a Bachelors in Social Work and you can correct me if I’m wrong but that seemed very unethical. I have been with my spouse for 20 years and this just seemed very odd! I haven’t hindered his recovery I talk to him two times a week and visit on Sundays. The only reason I took his LOA paperwork up was to meet the deadline that’s been placed on it. I’m also not really sure how I’m suppose to react to this!

  • Mary S.

    May 26th, 2013 at 3:06 PM

    Michele,
    I can understand how this counselor’s behavior left you speechless, upset,and embarrassed.His behavior was unprofessional, rude, and unethical.

    What also worries me is how someone who behaves like him can be helpful in your husband’s treatment. If you can find out who the counselor’s supervisor is, I would suggest you try to contact the supervisor to discuss the counselor’s behavior and qualifications. But I also wonder if perhaps the treatment facility might be a rip-off outfit that needs to be reported to and investigated by an appropriate licensing board.

    This is a very difficult situation you are facing. I hope you can work it out, for your sake, your husband’s, and for the sake of other people being “treated” by this counselor. Best of luck.

  • Sue

    May 24th, 2013 at 4:19 PM

    Michelle, in my opinion, an irrational rant is just that, whether coming from a counselor, cobbler or anyone else. I’d have no confidence in a practitioner with no courtesy or capacity for civil adult behavior. It’s confusing to see this from an “authority figure.” But an irresponsible tantrum is no more than that.

    FabuLiz, I don’t know if you’re asking me, but my blog is “Bad therapy? A disgruntled psychotherapy ex-client speaks her piece.” It has only one post, but a very lively ongoing discussion.

  • Helen

    May 26th, 2013 at 7:52 AM

    Hi. Its been a year and a half that I have been going to the therapy to this therapist. In general he is ok (as I have been to others in thepast..) but you know what I realised last time: out of the 50 minutes – he only talked 5!!! I would justify this in the beginning but after a year its unreasonable for me. What should I do??

  • Helen

    May 27th, 2013 at 2:35 PM

    I had another session today – honestly this guy – again this time he only spoke 5 minutes out of total 50! why is he doing this? Its not only this – in the beginning at some sessions when I wouldnt talk he wouold like complain that I am not my self etc – now that I talk he doesnt!! its like he doesnt want me to progress.
    I dont know i feel this is my last chance. This is the 4th therapist I went to – two of them were horrible – the 3rd one was great but unfortunately I had to move to another country.You cannot imagine how distrustful I have become against therapists!

  • Roberto

    June 18th, 2013 at 7:01 AM

    One should approach therapy perfectly certain that all therapy is questionable.
    As all humans are fallible and are barely aware of our interrelatedness with others and the world we inhabit. We also have the added burden of the unconscious. We each bring our own limited and distorted view of experience and reality.
    Therefore all human interactions are joined with uncertainty.
    It is best for all to begin with this unknowing as a basis for learning together.
    The very best of us know this and will humbly open the door ready to help each other with -and for- compassion, wisdom, and understanding.*

    Unfortunately, the limited format of most conventional therapy -and therefore the mindset of most therapists- is barely adequate for all but the most mundane afflictions. The preponderance of pharmaceuticals is a clear accommodation to this problem, and the modern practice treating symptoms.
    Discovering causation (-not blame) is much more work for everyone, and requires an openness and mindfulness and diligence that is difficult in these confused, fearful, and distracted times.

    *I’ve often wondered why we have no formal recognition of this when commencing therapy. Perhaps a joint statement signed by both the Therapist and Client jointly.
    (AFTER the insurance, privacy, and payment terms!)
    -Perhaps even starting each session with a brief reminder statement that includes a few moments of fearless silence.

  • theresnoexcuseforabuse

    June 22nd, 2013 at 2:05 AM

    Roberto, I can appreciate your notions. However, If all humans are fallible and this applies to therapist who are human; perhaps they should provide only free therapy. But, if I pay someone because of their doctoral licensing requirements (training, education, and experience) then there is more of an expectation of a certain expertise. There are laws and regulations in place for a reason. Professionals might not be perfect but in a fiduciary relationship they better provide me more insight, understanding, ethical, and professional skills than the bag lady down the road who likes wearing 7 hats in the middle of summer. OR they better give a referral sooner rather than later less they risk other problems…(i.e. abusive therapy, licensing complaints).

  • Sue

    June 26th, 2013 at 4:18 PM

    Roberto, there well could be built-in harm with the act of “discovering causation.” This excavation could foster habits of self-pity, stagnant rumination and a victim mindset.

    Though it’s therapy’s myth that the client “works through” the past toward greater something-er-other, some find the navel gazing merely excellent training in how to be a depressive.

    Yes, humans inevitably are fallible, but therapy is full of stagecraft. Consider the therapist’s ongoing rule setting and preemption, naming the interpretations, assigning the labels, ie. –your mother is a borderline narcissist –these can leave the client undermined.

    Then factor the client’s forfeiture of privacy, regression, the subtle and unsubtle encouragement of dependency–there’s a fertile garden for abuse.

    One of the therapy’s slogans is…TRUST! Clients who failed at that have…TRUST ISSUES! Many therapists demand the client surrender herself and self-hood to the magnificent mastery of the therapist.

  • Mary S

    July 5th, 2013 at 7:16 PM

    I found a reference on another Good Therapy page that may be helpful to therapy clients (or prospective therapy clients) who wish to evaluate the quality of their therapist (or a prospective therapist). It is Schwartz, Bernard and Flowers, John. (2010). “How therapists fail: Why too many clients drop out of therapy prematurely,” by Bernard Schwartz and John Flowers. You can easily find it on the web.

    (I’m sorry to say that the therapists I have tried do poorly on the points Schwarz and Bernard discuss. So I hope therapists will also read the article and heed the very good points the authors make.)

  • Mary S

    July 5th, 2013 at 7:17 PM

    I found a reference on another Good Therapy page that may be helpful to therapy clients (or prospective therapy clients) who wish to evaluate the quality of their therapist (or a prospective therapist). It is “How therapists fail: Why too many clients drop out of therapy prematurely,” by Bernard Schwartz and John Flowers. You can easily find it on the web.

    (I’m sorry to say that the therapists I have tried do poorly on the points Schwarz and Bernard discuss. So I hope therapists will also read the article and heed the very good points the authors make.)

  • sam

    July 7th, 2013 at 12:16 PM

    My counselor has forgotten twice that my father died when I was a child. I don’t think this is acceptable, do you?

  • CM

    July 8th, 2013 at 10:56 AM

    Sam I don’t think that’s acceptable. I think it’s normal for a therapist to forget some things and to need to be reminded of things from time to time, but a big thing like that they should be able to remember.
    I’m having my own confusion right now about therapy. I saw a therapist about a year ago who was great but she moved away, which she told me about ahead of time, and at the time I was feeling alright so it wasn’t a huge issue for me. Things got worse for me more recently so at my parent’s request I went back into therapy. The therapist I saw first just didn’t work out at all. I saw her about four times and I realized that she was not listening to me at all, and she over all made me feel uncomfortable and judged. When I pretended to feel better in order to have an excuse to leave she started telling me that I had a specific trauma I needed to work through and that I needed to come back to deal with it. I didn’t feel like this was true at all and it seemed like she was trying to convince me that it was true so that I would feel like I had to come back. I was glad to get out of there! However this was pretty disturbing because I felt like if I had been in a more impressionable mindset I would have believed her, and it worries me that she might be taking advantage of people emotionally and financially by convincing them that they have trauma that they don’t really have.

    Because that therapist didn’t work out I went to another one and our first session went well and I felt very optimistic that I had found a therapist that I could connect with. The second time I went I noticed that he talked about himself a lot, and didn’t seem to listen to me at all and so jumped to conclusions about me and my relationships. Some things he told me I thought were fair and very helpful, but then he started to tell me that in order to deal with my depression I should move halfway across the world on my own. I got the impression that he thought I could just snap out of depression, and that moving to Africa would be the thing to do it. I tried to explain that this would financially be impossible but he didn’t think that was a valid excuse. Another thing is that I would rather be feeling okay emotionally and mentally before I travelled so far away on my own. Then he told me that I shouldn’t feel so bad because other people have it worse, ie people lose their children and people are diagnosed with cancer. I’m very aware of that, and the reason I went to therapy was because even though I know my life was great in many ways I still can’t seem to feel better. I just felt even more guilty when he said that. Now I’m just not sure what to do. While I preferred this therapist a lot to the other one he is extremely expensive and I’m not sure if I should try another session with him. It feels really disappointing when you have to pay to have someone to talk to and then not even that works out.
    I wish all of you the best of luck and that you’re all able to find ways to be helped :)

  • Mary S.

    July 21st, 2013 at 9:01 PM

    CM,
    I know from personal experience that it can be hard to cut your losses, but the case you have made for not going back to your current therapist sounds stronger than your reasons for going back. So my advice is not to go back to him — he sounds like he is likely to do more harm than good. You sound like you’ve got a good head on your shoulders. Don’t let him mess you up.

    Sam,
    Yes, I agree with CM — fogetting something as important as that twice is a sign of not being competent to help you.

  • cathy

    July 9th, 2013 at 6:35 PM

    My bf moved out last week and cinsidering therapy but Im reluctant. My ex is an alcoholic and text me saying he was in therapy and his counselir said he shouldn’t talk to me or text. I understand that. The concentration should be on therapy, here is where it gets fishy…today I found out he has been stealing from me. Ibtext him repeatedly and angrily regarding this and this is the reply I received…this is not ur ex. Your condesending tone and agressive nature are not to be tolerated. We are here for you exn u r no longer in control and he will contact you when and if we deem necessary and apropriate. We have listened to some of your conversations and they are very telling .” What therapist would say something like that? Let alone use a patients personal cell phone to do so and not identify themselves. Is this possible or even legal? Or is my ex just lying?? What therapist wouldbtry and incite anger? Makes no sense to me! If this is the way therapists are..i will never attend one session..

  • Carol

    July 27th, 2013 at 9:30 PM

    I saw a therapist for 3 years. I depended on him way too much, he was also my pastor. He started to tell me he couldn’t see me anymore and wouldn’t tell me why… I was crushed and kept asking. He would stop seeing me then start again… then we had an online sexual affair for 3 months to which I ended. He told me he had feelings for me and that’s why he couldn’t be my counselor…he should of told me instead of hurting me. He continued to help through my father’s illness and a week after my father’s death he told me never to contact him again.

  • catherine

    August 17th, 2013 at 11:13 PM

    My last four therapists (or attempts at) have included at least one significant sign from your list. I wonder how to find a good one? I have experienced severe re-traumatization from two therapists in the my life. One in 1995 and one in 2010. Bad judgment? Bad karma? Bad luck? I think I am learning. Two of the last three I confronted on issues #2 and #3 at the beginning, thus taking care of myself and leaving potentially harmful relationships, which I feel good about. I really appreciate your list. Thank you.

  • Sylvia

    August 20th, 2013 at 1:47 PM

    I just wanted to share something that happened to me recently. It’s not an experience with a therapist but it shows how therapy and therapists are seen among those in the mental health profession. The other day I went to a doctor; I wanted her to prescribe me something for anxiety since I have a flight in a few days and it’s the first time I’m taking a plane since my panic attacks started. She had been recommended to me by someone who came into contact with her once and described her as nice and interested, listening etc.

    I entered the office and OK, she was nice and upbeat, she wanted to know about my history as a patient so she asked some questions and read the record briefly, then she asked me what she could help me with. I told her exactly what I came for, she asked when the flight was, I said it was in 6 days. Her response was an ironic comment, “Great! So we have the time to complete the 12-step cognitive-behavioral therapy.” I was surprised and told her I hadn’t done therapy because it was very expensive abroad where I lived (to which she said it is also expensive here – while this is true, in the country where I lived it is 4 or 5 times as expensive) and I told her I had been seeing a college psychologist once a month, because this is what I could afford. I also told her I had bad experiences with therapists, to which she mumbled something among the lines of doing it anyway as it would help me rid of panic attacks once and for all. And she told me, “You know you’re behaving unwisely avoiding therapy”. I said I’d love to do therapy when I have the means, but I’m also afraid to have another bad experience. She said something like, “Ultimately, it’s your choice if you want to do it or not.” When I told her I’d had an impression my ex therapist was mocking me and looking down on me, she said, “Perhaps you just saw it that way. That would also be something worth working on in the therapy”. The assumption is that the client is wrong. When I told her some examples of the therapist’s behaviour, she always said there are different approaches and different techniques the therapists use. For example, I told her how the therapist had responded to how I expressed my feelings about something in couple’s therapy – she turned to my then boyfriend, shrugged her shoulders and said with a smile, “I didn’t understand what you were talking about. Did you?” and they both laughed. I asked the shrink if that was appropriate behaviour on the part of the therapist and she said there are different techniques and sometimes there’s a purpose in the therapist trying to make the client feel in a certain way. I said the story with how my therapist’s laughed had no continuation, because she just shrugged her shoulders, stated that she didn’t understand, laughed and moved on to another topic. Well, the shrink still said there are different techniques and different approaches and you always have to say when something doesn’t feel right because the therapist has no way of knowing. I did say I sometimes had let her know something didn’t feel right but she’d suggest I was being contentious. The shrink just mumbled something.

    Well, of course the shrink has not been there or doesn’t know the details of my therapy, but is it so hard to simply admit that there might be bad therapists out there? Instead, the first explanation for my mistrust in therapists is that I had a skewed perception during therapy and would benefit from working on it (in another therapy)…

    I leave aside the fact that the shrink, as a doctor, could have been a little bit more empathetic. What I want to say is it seems that we, as clients/patients, people in need of help are perceived as… I don’t know, stupid? by mental health professionals in general. I don’t really get how you can expect to help someone when you’re patronising them? Or perhaps you don’t really expect to help them, just doing your job (whatever your job is – assign a label and prescribe a solution accordingly?)… Or is the problem the training that they get? I think there must be some problem with the training, otherwise that view about the client/patient wouldn’t be so widespread. I want to add the shrink is rather young, in her 30s – you’d expect someone like that to be up-to-date, so I guess the up-to-date is still the view the client/patient is always probably wrong.

  • Mary S.

    August 29th, 2013 at 7:33 PM

    Sylvia,
    Your comment, “it seems that we, as clients/patients, people in need of help are perceived as… I don’t know, stupid? by mental health professionals in general,” brought to mind an interaction I had with one therapist. I was getting frustrated with her “sound bite” communication style, and said in exasperation, “Everything you say seems so superficial!” She replied, “I’m genuine.” I thought (but did not say), “My gosh, she is saying she is genuinely superficial!”

    I am inclined to agree with your comment, “Or is the problem the training that they get? I think there must be some problem with the training, otherwise that view about the client/patient wouldn’t be so widespread.” Some of the things I have read about therapist training seem to suggest that this is indeed true for at least some types of therapist training — the therapists are trained not to interact in a normal type of cooperative communication, but to behave in ways that I would call evasive, or provocative, or leading, or one-upsmanship. Not the way I would care to treat another human being. In fact, I have found it both shocking and sad. Not humanity at its best.

  • Dedra S.

    October 18th, 2015 at 3:44 PM

    I am one of the rare people who has sit on the fence so to say and sitting there actually made me sicker. I am extremely intelligent and I was a casemanger whom workered in the mental health system. While working in the system I seen first hand how clients were treated being that I was also one of them I also witnessed how mine and other peoples hippa rights were violated without regard everyday. I seen first hand how most of the employees treated clients like trash and thought of them as stupid and worthless (including myself even though I was obviously educated). I have been dealing with mental health services for about 40 years now. I can say in that time I have had a hand full of people whom work in the field who actually care about their clients. I am no longer working because I am now on disability. After taking over 1000 pills and being in ICU I had a blood clot in my right lung. All because of a crazy ex-husband who was abusive and a mental health system that I was working for that treated me like a dog. I wanted to escape. When God allowed me to live I left the job, got a divorce, and waited 4 1/2 years to get approved for disability. I thank God I had a father to help me until I was approved because I know not everyone has that luxury. There is a saying and it is one I love because it is so true: Don’t judge my struggle when you have not walked in my shoes. Only God can judge me. I thank God that He has changed a lot of my life since but it doesn’t mean I don’t ever have bad days it just means now I know Whom to turn to.

  • Sue

    August 22nd, 2013 at 11:01 AM

    Sylvia, I believe you get to the nut of the issue. When we fail to cooperate with the therapists’ illusions, that they’re almighty healers, it can be their tendency to rear up and attempt to intimidate us into submission. It’s like they’re slapping us, “I’m HEALING you. Now shut up and fawn.”

    Just on this thread, therapists have provided technicolor examples of this behavior. They’re incapable of relating to anyone as an equal.

    No sorcery occurs in therapy that changes basic human interactions. A domineering boor is just that, no matter her accreditation. Therapists are so steeped in theory they’re oblivious that they’re behaving like swaggering bullies on the playground.

    If these therapists had anything real to offer, they wouldn’t fear questioning or criticism.

  • Sue

    September 6th, 2013 at 9:11 AM

    There’s a wonderful example of therapists revealing their TRUE selves just in this thread.

    When Diana had her spew in Post #187, other professionals objected to her criticizing this website, but NOT ONE professional had the slightest objection her rage at us. Some even applauded it!

    “…it just an avenue for unstable individuals to rant and confirm why a therapist will no longer work with them or way they lost the complaint they filed…. It only appears to be a place for hostile individuals to be belligerent and condescending towards the profession as a whole.”

    (Kudos to a Goodtherapy.org moderator to encourage our discussion to continue.)

    Either the professionals were completely fine with #187’s raging power play –because they might behave that way themselves– or lacked the integrity to criticize a colleague.

    I personally think that #187 demonstrates the typical therapist. He performs a sympathy act as long as someone plays the worshipful patient role. But question the expert, ask if he’s indeed selling snake oil, his flailing response is to subdue with insults.

  • Serenity

    September 18th, 2013 at 11:12 AM

    Thank you so much for this article, the list of red flags, and for all the comments. I’m relieved to see this kind of discussion going on as my experience with therapy has been isolating and traumatizing, much like my upbringing in an abusive and crazymaking environment (which is why I sought therapy in the first place).

    I’ve attempted therapy with a variety of counselors, social workers, and psychologists who claimed to specialize in abuse and/or trauma. They all had different approaches and different styles. What I kept encountering though, much to my disbelief, was a stunning lack of empathy and respect for my perspective as an autonomous being with my own thoughts, feelings and experiences.

    The longest I’ve stayed with any one therapist is six sessions, because by that point I did not feel safe enough to share any more about myself. I identified with sixteen items on the red flag list. Some therapists had more red flags than others. With some the signs where obvious during the first session, while other times I did not understand what was happening until the fifth or sixth.

    I also experienced the following that I did not see on the list:

    – Insisted I was personally responsible for the actions of others. Saying the abuse was my fault because I did not love unconditionally enough, and when others treat me badly I must have done something to cause it.

    – Claimed to know my personal history, thoughts, feelings, and motivations and responded with anger when I disagreed.

    – Also, claimed to know the thoughts, feelings, and motivations of other people in my life (with no input whatsoever from them and very little from me).

    Some therapists were simply not helpful, others were outright harmful and abusive. What has ultimately helped the most is to read all I can on verbal abuse, emotional abuse, covert abuse, narcissistic abuse, personality disorders, character disorders, and gaslighting. Also connecting online with those who have been there and truly understand.

  • disequilibrium1

    September 20th, 2013 at 11:59 AM

    Serenity, I know the feeling of isolation and crazy making well. I personally found it damaging to return to therapy, yet another round of submitting to another phony-parent authoritarian relationship. Therapists mostly seem to protect their colleagues and their modes. Therapy invariably was enfeebling and regressive.

    I’ve found the most assistance through reading and talking to peers.

    My first real help came from the Therapy Exploitation Link Line. Besides offering personal connections if you write them, they give suggested readings under their resources tab.

    There are a few other blogs around the internet including “Reasons To Be Therapy-Free (Part 1)” which also will link you to an extensive discussion, links and resources on my blog.

    Searching “A reading list | Therapy is a Con” will have more book suggestions and another personal account of abuse.

    You can search a skeptical therapist’s blog via “psych gripe therapist types.”

    My recovery ultimately came down to the unpleasant choice between deciding the authority/therapist was correct or that I’d been scammed by hucksters. Painful as it was, I chose the latter.

  • Marvin Goldberg

    October 7th, 2013 at 8:28 AM

    I wanted to comment on the issue of taking a history as related by John Peterson Phd. he says it’snot necessary. What a crock!! What if you went to the doctor and he started treatment without knowing the problem!! you’d leave. I saw at least 10 therapists covering a wide variety of approaches. None took a history. Many years later I realized that had they done that, they would have found out many things about my upbringing that would have been important in my therapy. I was naïve and t hey too advantage of me . By not taking a history, they don’t have have to do much thinking. Just focusing on the present ignores the reality of what is going on in a client’s life. This is the approach of rogerians, gestaltists and many others. I got the impression that the main purpose of therapy is to keep clients around for as long as possible so as to extract as much money as possible. I am very negative on this profession. None of the therapists I saw would have passed your list above. For all thewant us to reflect, they don’t do much of this. when Ieft one therapist after 12 years.he objected saying the older you get the longer it takes! I’d be dead by the time I got cured

  • Untreated, unhappy, unbalanced

    October 17th, 2013 at 10:56 AM

    Both of the pdocs I’ve had so far have been entirely dismissive of almost everything I’ve mentioned to them, this despite my medical notes clearly stating, ‘known risk to self’ and other significant mental health history such as abuse and self-harm. I’ve tried repeatedly since, to convince myself, ‘perhaps they’re right’, ‘maybe I AM fine’, ‘well I’m not dead yet so it can’t be that bad’ but it ultimately just doesn’t sit right with me. It took an official complaint to get them to schedule a second session with me, during which they prescribed a medication with half-arsed instruction of what to do with it. I was then given one follow-up appointment, told to not take the medication and that was it – all sessions beings at least 8 weeks, if not 12, apart. Since having learned that my condition should primarily be controlled by medication, I don’t really understand what’s so hard about prescribing it.

    It seems that, where I live, if you’re not cutting yourself open daily or threatening to jump off of a bridge at the emergency department you’re not entitled to treatment, and even if you are, you’re not likely to get it. I was told that I was at the, ‘moderate’ level of the spectrum, based on the fact that I had not been hospitalised – this despite me repeatedly informing them that there had been several incidences in the past where I desperately required hospitalisation, but oh, surprise, surprise – neither myself nor my family had any information on how to initiate the procedure. We didn’t know who to contact and I distinctly recall my partner and mother discussing phoning for an ambulance on several occasions. Would this have been the right thing to do? Apparently no, I should have seen my GP – but what, at 10, 11, 12 o’clock at night?

    Ultimately, though, one has to ask, if I had, ‘moderate’ diabetes would I still not be on any treatment whatsoever? With 9 years of self-harm, several overdoses, experiences of psychosis and significant delays, hindrances in the functioning of my life, what qualifies as, ‘deserving of treatment’? To this day, moods still affect whether or not I’m here or there. I feel constantly at threat of losing my place on my course because I cannot control when I’m hit by crippling lows that leave me in bed, mute for weeks, the highs that send me on £1200 shopping sprees and no interest in sitting around for two hours or even the mixture of the two that eventually lead me to believe I’m being targeted by demons. This at a point in my life where I feel like I stop and restart everything I do yet never quite manage reach to a conclusion.

    “Prove that you’re really sick. Prove it and we MIGHT help”. It makes you wonder who the real demons are.

  • JazzAngel

    October 18th, 2013 at 12:04 AM

    I work as a counselor for an OP drug and alcohol facility and also see a counselor weekly and have for about 15 years now, off an on. Today was a bad day for me and client alike as per our facility rules I had to discharge her per attendance rules. She was my longest client and I hated to have to close her file. I have read 90% of this thread and feel I have learned a lot. I hope that I can continue to help my clients be the strong and amazing people they are and guide them to where they want to be.

  • patty

    November 3rd, 2013 at 12:36 PM

    My 27 yr.old daughter is in the process of Cut off,since her family counselor adheres to the Bowen technique. She recently ambushed me and essentially blamed me for my daughters dysfunctional , dangerous actions. The therapists attempt to foster autonomy has empowered her to move far away with an abusive, insecure loser. (I am terrified of the outcome)
    In effect the therapist was paid by me and i had hoped she would provide crisis intervention. My daughter took the car , we had bought for her and against our wishes left her 4 animals and drove to see her lover. She now plans to move and cut her family off. She has already cut off her good friends who expressed concern with her boyfriend. Seems the boyfriend has accomplished his goal,. I refuse to provide financial support and a car for this endeavor. I blame BAD THERAPY. My daughter had attempted to hurt herself and needed crisis individual therapy. Not an excuse to continue on the path of self destruction. I have no choice but to let my daughter go and hopefully come to her senses

  • Anonymous

    November 5th, 2013 at 12:42 PM

    Another big tip off is if they don’t want to show you your file or official diagnosis. I quit my last therapist after nearly a year & a half. I asked, pleased, demanded for some kind of mutually agreed upon treatment plan, in writing, with measures so each of us could measure progress. Never happened. My initial reason for seeing her was for help with social skills deficits, which her group supposedly specialized in. Yet after frequent & repeated requests, she was never interested in pursuing what I came in for! I persisted with her, thinking there must be something wrong with me for feeling this way.
    Once she loaned me a book about creativity and bipolar disorder.I asked her if she thought I was bipolar and she said—”No, I just thought you might benefit” (???!).
    I often asked her if I had a personality disorder, and she always emphatically answered ‘No’. After quitting treatment, I demanded a copy of my file, which she didn’t want to give me; turns out she had diagnosed me with BPD, without telling me & lying about it. Why? It’s this kind of crap that messes up us people who really need therapy even more than we already are.
    Grrr…

  • theresnoexcuse

    November 13th, 2013 at 3:41 AM

    Anonymous, Sorry to hear about you getting the run around regarding your records, diagnoses, and treatment.
    I don’t quite understand how any professional thinks it is helpful to NOT inform a client of a possible diagnoses since it would directly relate to the treatment plan and goals. Also, when this happens it certainly violates ones rights as a competent client, that is, you need to be treated with respect just like any client in similar circumstances. You have the right to be informed about the diagnoses, treatment, plan, changes, have the right to refuse, including the right to KNOW that any diagnostic tests are being performed, what your options are, a second opinion, and your right to consent or not to be honored. When a professional does something outside your awareness then your rights are being violated.

    In the medical field it would be similar to your doctor taking a urine sample from you without your permission and then performing a test on it but not telling you the results because you “might be hurt by knowing”. Unless you are considered incompetent and unable to make a sound decision (child, imbecile, violent nut job) then you are considered a “competent” person and your rights are to be respected no matter what. Even if you are institutionalized you would still have the right to consent or not.

    OR

    Another example is to go to your physician and only agree to be tested for Disease A but your doctor thinks you have Disease B and without your awareness starts treating you for Disease B without telling you, doing further testing, other options, etc. Years later you become worse because of the wrong diagnoses and inappropriate treatment.

    Mental health professionals think they are exempt from respecting people’s rights. (unless someone is deemed incompetent and unable to make a sound decision)

    I believe people need to have options in order to choose whether or not to consent

  • Mary S

    November 15th, 2013 at 9:19 PM

    I agree with theresnoexcuse. Unfortunately, my experience is that most therapists don’t tell clients their diagnosis (and often use a very sloppy process to decide on a diagnosis), don’t have any treatment plan (or don’t tell you if they do), and often ignore what you came to therapy for. (In fact, therapists often seemed annoyed at the problems I came to therapy for; they seem to consider my problems just an annoyance that interferes with their doing what they decide I need.) A sad state of affairs. Every client deserves informed consent — including information about options, since without this, there can be no truly informed consent. So often, therapists’ behavior has seemed capricious and arbitrary to me, without rhyme or reason.

  • TC

    November 14th, 2013 at 11:40 PM

    My therapist is always blaming me and I’m only 19. I haven’t even done anything wrong just came from a mom who did. She’s always like sounds to me you don’t want to do this or that. I come out of therapy more angry at my therapist than relieved of stress. She also gives me “homework” saying I need to know good/ bad relationships and I know all about them. I feel like I’m in school again learning something I already know

  • Barbara

    November 16th, 2013 at 7:43 AM

    I must have the worst luck with therapists. One of them got my family of origin into therapy sneakily and unethically (while I was seeing him). He also called me the
    ‘family dummy’. He said I dressed like a ‘weird-o.’ He forced me into group therapy by shaming me. He was argumentative and arrogant. There is more…during the family group therapy he allowed my father to become agitated to the point of duress and did not come to his rescue…of course my ‘blaming’ father did not allow me to talk and when I did he said, “with your intelligence…’ and I folded like like I had been punched in the stomach.
    Another therapist constantly talked over me. She only apologized once…she seemingly could not control it. She also denied she said things.
    The most recent one was a real ‘doozy’. I left the last two sessions with a migraine. She lied and denied…thought she was the ‘walking miracle’, told me twice that she did not think she could help me (?)…was that a faux paux? Maybe that is okay for a therapist…at least she was being honest that one time. She was easily frustrated after less than a year’s therapy (it was only months) and told me, “I have never seen anything like this.” She could not handle my pain and need to talk and describe issues. She was a cognitive behavioral therapist and said I needed to ‘do’ more and ‘talk’ less. Is that usual for CBT?
    There were other inept and weak therapists throughout the years. One said I thought I was ‘so important’. My brother was enraged by that…he said it was the exact opposite…he knew our family scapegoated and ignored me. He told me to get out…fast.
    A psychiatrist saw me when I was 19. He kept his feet up on his desk and looked out the window. He dispensed pills, not advice. He never said one constructive thing.
    It is a wonder that I am still ambulating with a brain so screwed up and ‘dead’ that in my brother’s own psych records they referred to me as an ‘ambulatory psychotic’. What is that anyway? Anyone know?

  • theresnoexcuse

    December 23rd, 2013 at 2:28 AM

    Barbara, I think the term you mentioned is an outdated term meaning “outpatient” having a “crisis”. However, from what you have written, it appears the counselor was “intellectually challenged”.

  • Sue

    April 3rd, 2014 at 10:41 AM

    Nice one!

  • Tia

    January 4th, 2014 at 6:10 AM

    Hey Barbara,

    I have experienced many ineffective therapists, and such intense emotional pain I can hardly describe it. I’ve acted out, been in restraints on the psych ward, and been told I am bipolar and pumped with shots of drugs and chronic pills. I finally got to a doctor who says I have an attachment disorder. I’m wondering if you do, too. A therapist will not comfort you. They will maybe help you understand what happened and how to soothe yourself. This sucks and hurts, but it helps you develop your fuller potential outside of a therapy office. The answers are within, for you to share as you wish outside the therapy room. Because you have such pain, I feel that someday you can also have such joy. Keep going. Don’t give up. You have something to offer the world. I don’t know you, but from what you describe, it seems you are a very sensitive person, so I know you can do something wonderful with your life.

  • Mary S

    November 19th, 2013 at 8:46 PM

    Barbara- Re your comment, “She was a cognitive behavioral therapist and said I needed to ‘do’ more and ‘talk’ less. Is that usual for CBT?”:

    Yes, I believe that is usual for CBT — it’s not as much a “talk therapy” as most other types of therapy; CBT usually involves “homework”

    TC- You say your therapist gives you homework — I wonder if she also uses CBT (cognitive behavior therapy)

  • Odessa

    November 19th, 2013 at 10:59 PM

    I have notice outside of here those who say they are standing up against the stigma related to mental illness are really saying they are against the criticism of psych treatments not how people with mental illness are treated. How people labelled with mental illness are swiftly dismissed, patronized, antagonized, how their opinions are not taken seriously, and much much worse. Self-acclaimed advocates are not supporting people with mental illness but for mental health professionals, which is problematic because like this blog post and many of the comments have pointed out, they are no less vulnerable from making poor decisions out of the expense of their clients. It is a discussion that must be had among those working and studying in the psych field but it is a discussion they think shouldn’t exist and not only have avoided but hated as well.

  • Odessa

    November 19th, 2013 at 11:19 PM

    Has anyone else notice that Psychiatry/Psychology has been taken a very victim-blame-y route lately? They make their client responsible for every action that occurs. There has been a relatively new trend in now among the Psych community where victims of bullying who committed suicide are painted as mentally unstable rather than looking at the bullies who made it impossible for their victims to have a peace of mind.

  • jb

    November 20th, 2013 at 7:30 AM

    My family has gotten involved in a questionable therapist. The whole freaking family is or has been seen by her. Now, my husband’s ex-wife is seeing her and she tell him everything that happens with his ex! Which, isn’t good for him or his ex! I feel she is obsessed with our family. And when I talked to her about the kids weaning off therapy (after a year), she refused to talk about it! I finally just quit taking the kids! My husband loves her and wants to know every little detail about his ex and refuses to see how wrong it is! I am stuck and don’t know what to do. I noted at least 15 of the above list relate to my situation. What do I do?

  • Mary S

    December 30th, 2013 at 7:40 PM

    jb,
    The therapist seeing both your husband and his ex — and especially telling your husband about what his ex says — sounds like what’s called a “dual relationship” — generally considered unethical.

  • Odessa

    November 23rd, 2013 at 12:52 AM

    Last time I came on here to look for support and give support back, I was being aggressively rejected by MargaretS. It sucks that no where I can go I can’t discuss the problems in therapy.

  • Marvin

    December 4th, 2013 at 8:21 PM

    To Odessa,
    You should discuss whatever problems you have here. The reason is that you can’t discuss them with therapists because they have no real interest in helping people. I spent many years in this process with many different therapists. I believe their primary goal is to keep a patient in therapy as long as possible to make as much money as possible. All of this agenda is covered up by smiles and empathy and making you co-dependent. I don’t doubt there are sincere therapists somewhere, but there is no way of evaluating this since this profession has no standards. Once they get a degree they can do anything and you have no protection. This is a good forum. Just ignore anyone who treats you badly here. They are just disguised therapists who don’t want to be honest about what they are doing. I had many bad experiences and wasted years of my life and lots of money. I did get straightened out later, but it wan’t through any help from therapists.

  • Lynnda

    December 8th, 2013 at 12:53 PM

    I”ve heard there are many types of therapy. I had an interesting situation bc I went to a male T close to my age & felt awkard about his comments that I looked nice. Other comments about my looks , how he liked pretty girls when he was younger & how he may have tried to relate his experiences to mine.Constant useless comments. He thought he was so smart.I stopped after 8 sessions. I was beginning to feel like he was playing some head games. He said some odd things too. There is no reason to ignore your gut feelings like I did. Boundaries broken, sitting very very close twice. He was trying to compensate for not knowing what to say, so he tried to hard at first.

  • Mary S

    December 30th, 2013 at 7:37 PM

    Lynnda,
    Yes, that therapist sure sounds like he has a problem respecting client boundaries. I can certainly sympathize with having ignored your gut feelings long enough to go for 8 sessions. I made that mistake twice — the first time it was for about three months, the second time for about six months. In both cases I wish I had listened to my doubts and quit much earlier — I still have intrusive thoughts about both therapists. I wasn’t self-confident enough to trust my better judgment — one of the reasons I sought therapy to begin with. Catch 22.

  • butterfly

    December 8th, 2013 at 10:50 PM

    a big warning sign I have ran into where I dropped a therapist with in 2-3 weeks is a wanted to talk about eating food issues I was having
    and she said sure we would do things different if I was 11 and came into to see her on a feeding tube… I was 31 at the time… I soon left the therapist.. have been scared to say much about the food issues since

  • Sue

    April 3rd, 2014 at 10:38 AM

    Try again. You have the right to get your needs met. If you are having issues with food, you should be talking about it.

  • Michael

    December 11th, 2013 at 4:25 PM

    There were a couple times where my therapist and I had a couple of misunderstandings with meeting times, which resulted in me being late. One day we talked about how we would meet one hour later and my memory serves to say that we would meet at the later time. Well I showed up 15 mins early to what I thought was the later time and he ended up seeing me anyways. During our session
    we did talk about something I found to be personal. He then said I think you showed up late because you didn’t want to talk about this. It felt like he was covering up his mistake.
    Now THE last session we had, he said that because I wasn’t looking into his eyes I was nervous, which is true, but that he wanted me to exercise looking at him in his eyes. I felt fear run through me and what felt like a red flag go up. I’m wondering if that’s just my past coming up or if i have a valid reason

  • Mary S

    December 30th, 2013 at 7:30 PM

    Michael,
    It sure sounds to me like this therapist is not very much in touch with the real world. I hope you can find someone better.

  • botch

    December 17th, 2013 at 4:44 PM

    I have been seeing my therapist for two years to deal with OCD. Hes a good therapist but whenever I bring up issues of childhood trauma he becomes dismissive and wont talk about it.
    Therapy costs money and he makes me feel like my feelings arent important or Im overreacting. Do I just quit?

  • Mary S

    December 30th, 2013 at 7:25 PM

    Botch,
    Sorry to hear of your negative experience. I know from my own experience how painful and counterproductive it can be for a therapist to be dismissive of something that is important to me — I often think of it as giving the client the message to leave important parts of her/himself outside the therapist’s office. Sounds like your therapist has difficulty with the idea that a client may have more than one problem that needs attention.

  • Nosh

    January 4th, 2014 at 6:22 AM

    This list is just too extensive for a therapist to fully exercise proper procedure over every single point.
    Like for example you said a therapist shouldn’t empathize too little or too much. The extent of their empathy depends on the technique they use as a therapist. Some things were contradictory too. However, there were definitely important points made such as no sexual relationship with the client or using the client for their own personal gain.
    When you say that the therapists psychological
    needs shouldn’t be met, thats a little vague. Subsequently, I don’t particularly agree with that one.
    You cannot expect too much of a therapist who’s only human.

  • Just Human

    February 18th, 2014 at 10:34 PM

    Nosh,
    I have to agree with you. As a therapist whose been a therapist for more than 18 years and has been in therapy 23 years myself, being human is all we have. Compassion and connection heals. While there are horrible therapists violating and abusing their clients, there are many many more therapists who understand how psychotherapy really works. They do their absolute best to keep the oath all doctors and healthcare providers take: “This above all else do no harm and if you can do good.” Expecting perfection from any human being is disrespectful and certainly dishonest as the person asking is also not perfect.

    I’m sickened by the therapists who do harm. Who give all of us a “bad name.” The ones who are so sick that they should never ever ever be allowed to graduate much less practice. Too many grad schools give diplomas because the money was paid so the student gets the diploma even if that student doesn’t meet quality. Why? Because these students are so sick and they sue. They ruin institutions and insist they get what they paid for. I say, give their damn money back and do not graduate them. It’s this type of “malpractice” that allows horrible therapists out into the community. It’s an uphill fight as a professor to conquer this problem but I will fight for it in order to prevent anyone from doing the kind of damage I’m reading here.

    There are so many of us who are very good at being “compassionate with boundaries”. To be authentic is the greatest gift I can give. To be real which includes being “broken” is the only way. Truth matters. Solid Therapeutic relationship matters. Any therapist worth their salt will live within ethical boundaries. There are ethics involved in doing therapy (as in any profession) for a reason. A very good reason: do no harm.

    Therapy can be amazing and just as you are human as a patient, so is the therapist.

    I am so sorry to all of you who have had horrible therapists. Please understand not every therapist is horrible. In fact, most of us are good people, doing our best and many of us value therapy enough to remain in therapy ourselves. We want to be better and we want the very best for anyone we work with. But we will never be perfect.

    Peace

  • Many of us really care and work on our own stuff

    May 10th, 2014 at 3:46 PM

    I agree with a lot of what you said just human. I have heard of some horror stories and it makes me sad and very angry that individuals who are I seeking help and guidance have had to go through some of the things they have experienced.
    I don’t know all of you out there posting however, sorry for the pain you had to endure and for not getting the support, care expertise and compassion you all deserved. I am also going to say some therapists give those of us who love our jobs and helping people a bad name. I have been doing this for 22 years this year and I feel I have grown more compassionate.
    When a client comes in I see someone who has made a huge step in asking for guidance and tools. I work hard to continue to learn new skills to help my clients heal and continue and I work hard on myself. If you ever walk into a room with a therapist and they are coming from a perspective of ego or judgment or you feel looked down upon- let alone someone is yawning or sleeping. Clearly you are Not where you are supposed to be.
    My suggestion is it interview people over the phone first. If you don’t get a good feeling or they don’t have time for you. Move on. We are there to work for you and to help you.
    Peace
    Mary

  • disequilibrium1

    January 7th, 2014 at 12:53 PM

    I whole-hardheartedly think consumers should be forewarned about therapists getting their needs met, and I believe practitioners would be wise to understand it.

    With our shared histories as students and someone’s children, the mentoring relationship is fraught with constructs and imperatives. With the client’s eagerness for emotional relief, it’s too easy for the clinician to slip into role-playing under the guise of treatment. For instance, he may need to play the savior, the omniscient authority, the lover, the parent, the friend, the stern supervisor, etc. And the therapist easily might inflict damage if the client hesitates to play in his playhouse.

    Likewise, empathize too little or too much is EASY to understand for someone who’s experienced therapy’s pitfalls. Too little-the therapist is angry, cold unapproachable.

    Too much empathy can have many permutations. The client can feel she must “protect” her fragile therapist, or the therapist might become over involved, voyeuristic, intrusive or prescriptive in the client’s life. Or the therapist may devolve into a vicarious parent and parasitic in the client’s life.

    The list and extensive discussion covers more ground than I’ve been able to find in professional literature. I challenge professionals to understand this list and its discussion, think about it, write about it, discuss it with colleagues.

    Repeatedly I see professionals reflexively rejecting when the subject of harm in therapy is on the table.

  • Michelle

    January 13th, 2014 at 6:02 PM

    I was nearly killed by a therapist who groomed me for almost a year and a half before suddenly changing (or what I thought was suddenly changing) and putting me through the most agonizing emotional abuse I have ever endured. After finally getting up the courage to see a new therapist (the abusive one had been screaming, cursing and throwing things in his office the last time I saw him telling me there was something seriously wrong with me that he couldn’t tell me until I came back the next- I never came back), he refused to tell her what he thought was so wrong with me. His records on me lacked a diagnosis, treatment plan, diagnostic work and almost all of the clinical entries were illegible. The subsequent therapist helped me file a complaint with the Ohio Board of Psychology who, despite hundreds of emails, and statements from others who saw the abuse unfold, completely dismissed the case. I had also forwarded them statements from the insurance company when they demanded their money back after we learned he had billed them for sessions that didn’t happen. The board did not notify the Ohio Board of Insurance about this either. About 8 months after I filed the complaint, a victim’s advocacy group told me that they should have, so I called the board of insurance. I have NEVER been allowed to know what it was he was screaming, cursing and throwing things about in his office the last time I saw. The board told me I was not allowed to have the records he provided. I have since filed a complaint with the Ohio Inspector General’s Office regarding the refusal to let me have my medical records, the failure to notify the Ohio Board of insurance, untrue statements resulting in me losing the ability to seek any legal recourse and failure to conduct a thorough investigation. The scariest part of this whole thing is that I didn’t initially go to this therapist for myself. I took my two small children to him. I didn’t have a therapist prior to him. After him, I was confined to my room afraid to go anywhere and self destructing quickly. It took me almost a full year after the abuse ended to even learn that what happened has a name and that the PTSD I have battle is directly related to what he put me through. Thank you Ohio Board of Psychology for allowing a complete psychopath to continue destroying innocent people who go to him for help for their children. Re traumatizing me when I tried to protect innocent people from him is really unforgivable.

  • Sue

    April 3rd, 2014 at 10:36 AM

    I’m so sorry to hear your story. I hope you can move forward and heal from this abusive treatment.

  • Tom S. in Tn.

    January 14th, 2014 at 11:56 AM

    A full and comprehensive psychological evaluation, performed by a third party licensed examiner, should be a requirement as part of the licensing and renewal process for each and every practitioner who sits behind a closed door with vulnerable clients in general, and under aged clients in specific.

    With regard to liberal arts professions such as social work or sex therapist, etc…; all should be overseen by third party and uninvolved professionals who have earned degrees in sciences such as medicine.

  • Stevie

    January 15th, 2014 at 5:12 PM

    You really make it seem so easy with your presentation but I find this matter to be really
    something that I think I would never understand.
    It seems too complicated and extremely broad for me. I’m looking forward for your
    next post, I will try to get the hang of it!

  • Barb

    January 16th, 2014 at 3:43 PM

    My mother exhibits all the traits of Paranoid Personality disorder. She has been seeing a therapist during that time, and discussed one of her “theories” about my family (self, husband, children) with the therapist. The therapist alleged (without ever having met me, my husband, or children) that my mother’s “story” required her to report my family to DCF. How can a therapist make such a report without ever having met any of the people they are making the report on, with no proof except the story of an obviously disturbed patient? The alleged “incident” happened in a public place, while I was present. Any security cameras would immediately refute my mother’s claims! Apparently, my mother “begged” the therapist not to make the report. The therapist then told my mother NOT to tell my family that the report was going to be made. The case was immediately dismissed, but I can’t imagine this is ethical on the part of the therapist. It seems my mother has been talking against my family for some time. The therapist listed in her report every negative thing my mother had ever told her, as well as the incident that required “reporting”, none of them true and all of which could easily have been refuted. I just don’t understand how my innocent family could fall victim to my mother’s delusions and how a therapist could act on them. CP$

  • Rolanda

    February 1st, 2014 at 8:24 PM

    I am not really sure why I am posting but I am going to — maybe it is good to just get it out. There is no way to write concisely about all the negative experiences I have had as a client, but I have certainly had them and never would have engaged in the process had I known what would have happened. They have ranged from rather emotionally abusive, to unethical and dishonest, to boundary violating, to incompetent, to systems issues (visits too short for true communication to take place, bad record keeping leading to misinformation, insurance issues, etc), to well-intentioned but ineffective.
    I think it is difficult to be a therapist or psych care provider. The model does lend itself toward disrespect of the client and getting one’s own needs met as a provider, and even the best providers can fall into that trap sometimes.
    It really does concern me how difficult it is to have complaints taken seriously and not cause additional trauma and damage. I certainly wonder if there really are effective “treatments” that help more than they harm. Sometimes I think the answer is no. And why is that an idea so hard to examine? Sometimes things just don’t work; start with that idea to work toward changing that reality. You take a risk whenever you receive these kinds of services that allow one person to keep a written record of their impressions of the interaction. It simply can be a set up for big messes. That is where I sit with it now. The treatments are worse than the initial problem in some cases, and one needs to weigh those factors when deciding on whether to engage in treatment processes.
    I am not saying “all is lost” with respect to the efficacy of “mental health” (in itself an odd concept, that often seems to ignore environmental contributors and the overall ubiquity of human pain and sadness) treatment nor that for some people in some situations treatment does not benefit them. I am just saying that the dark sides need to be acknowledged rather than swept under the rug or blamed on clients/consumers.

  • Robert goldberg

    February 2nd, 2014 at 5:00 AM

    Dr Peterson is a jerk. Start working on problems without knowing what’s going on with the client is like going to a doctor who starts treatment without knowing what’s wrong with the patient!!! They don’t want to take histories because they would have to think about what’s going on and not make up theories. I saw 10 therapists who didn’t take histories. I didn’t know they should, and they missed everything about me.

  • J. Money

    February 5th, 2014 at 9:03 PM

    My husband has bi-polar disorder, is a crack and heroin addict, is domestically violent, a chronic adulter and serial liar. He has a therapist that he sees that is incompetent. She suggested that he- a crack addict- should obtain a ritalin script. She clearly doesn’t understand addiction. She also apparently tells him that I am his problem. That does not seem like professional conduct.

  • Miranda

    February 9th, 2014 at 7:01 AM

    I saw a therapist once as that was enough for me. He constantly was asking me if I was anorexic an i repeatedly told him no (because I really wasn’t-I was seeing him for depression) and he worded it exactly like that.
    “Now are you anorexic? Because you’re quite thin?”
    “No, I’m not. Trust me I eat like a truck driver.”
    “And you’re sure of this?”
    And he asked me again probably three times throughout the session. He then said a lot of things that I found very sexist like men are never anorexic/bulimic, women are never serial killers-only men, all artists are depressed, and then he mocked my desire to become an actor. He then said that I’m not really bisexual and that I was only going through hormones. He also said that men never question their sexuality-they’re either gay or they’re not.
    He was the free counselor that my college provided for students and I think they need to reconsider.

  • Cliff

    February 9th, 2014 at 2:44 PM

    Miranda- sorry you had that experience. If I were that guy’s supervisor or employer I would probably fire him or make him get more/better training at a minimum.

    I have fired a few of my personal therapists over the years- a couple were due to incompetence and one was because we just didn’t connect. One guy I dropped had his license permanently revoked later for financial improprieties with a client. He was creepy and bonkers.

    But also I have had 2-3 therapists that made a huge positive difference in my life when I was going through some very tough spaces. I think it is a caveat emptor situation- we hire them and pay them to help us; if we feel it isn’t right or something is off we should try to resolve it with them, if we can’t resolve it we need to drop them and then either find a better one or find a different way to change.

    I am a therapist myself- I’ve been doing it for about 30 years now. I think the fact that I have had some major struggles and I have had a lot of good and bad therapy helps me be nonjudgemental toward my clients- I was more disturbed earlier in my life than are many of my current clients. I have no right and no need to judge anyone. That helps.

    Some therapists are horrible, some are wonderful. Some therapists are neurotic flawed struggling humans, some are criminals, and some are wise kind helpers. Good luck in your search for help everyone.

  • Sherri

    February 21st, 2014 at 10:02 PM

    I think you need to add what I went through.i had a therapist who charged 150.00 an hour and each week she fell asleep during my session!! I was horrified but never said anything as I was nervous. One day I got the guts to walk out of her office while she was asleep. I never returned.

  • Mary S

    March 10th, 2014 at 6:54 PM

    Sherri, Good for you for getting up the nerve to walk out! Paying 150 an hour to someone who falls asleep is a real rip-off; this therapist’s behavior is not at all competent.

  • sue

    March 2nd, 2014 at 5:41 PM

    I live in D.C. and have been seeing a therapist for two years. I don’t know how good she is…I ended up losing my government job after I went on FMLA; as soon as I returned from FMLA, I was put on probation. I hadn’t done anything wrong; my manager made things up. The horror of it was that management thought I had had a nervous breakdown while on FMLA because my therapist had me write an email to management stating that I was in intensive outpatient therapy. It’s a long story, but I had to hire a lawyer to straighten out my work record and reset everything to the last, outstanding appraisal. I had asked my therapist if my G.P. could put me on FMLA, but my therapist stated it had to come from her. Then, to make things “legal” she insisted on seeing me twice a week. I paid several thousands of dollars to this woman, money that insurance didn’t reimburse me for. Plus, I lost my job.

    Now that I lost my job, to conserve cash, I’ve asked my therapist if we could just do med evals. Almost right after I asked, she told me she had raised the price of the med evals. When I protested, she grew angry. Then I asked her why she spent all of our session time texting other patients and writing in other patients’ charts. She hit the roof, and told me she was simply “going to dump me.” I left her office in tears. I am probably going to be moving back home, across country in another couple of months, so I don’t appreciate her simply “dumping me.” It seems that she could hold my prescriptions for those months without charging me an arm and a leg. Truth be told, I’m not very impressed with employers here in D.C. or the services you get. Time to leave! This town has nothing but bad memories for me.

  • Mary S

    March 10th, 2014 at 6:50 PM

    From what you have said, it sounds like this therapist is not very good at all. No one should be treated the way she treated you.

  • Mary S

    March 10th, 2014 at 7:23 PM

    Recently I came across an article (D.R. Kraus et al, Therapist effectiveness: Implications for accountability and patient care, Psychotherapy Research, May 2011, 21, (3): 267-276) that used client outcome information to study therapist effectiveness. Some of their conclusions:
    1. The percentage of clients improving varied depending on the type of problem being treated — from a high of 55% for depression to a low of 10% for mania.
    2. The percentage of clients harmed by therapy also varied by type of problem, from a high of 32% for social functioning to a low of 6% for mania.
    3. The authors classified therapists in the study (based on client outcomes) as “effective,” “unclassifiable/ineffective”, or “harmful”. They concluded that therapist effectiveness varies over the different areas of client problems. For each area, percentage of therapists classified as “effective” varied from 69% for depression to 0.7% for mania.
    4. The percent of therapists classified as “harmful” ranged from 16% (violence, substance abuse) to 0.3% (mania).
    5. The percentage of therapists rated as “unclassifiable” ranged from 99% (mania) to 30% (depression).
    6. No therapists were rated competent in all 12 areas. Only 1 was rated competent in 11 areas. Percentages for other numbers of competencies ranged from 3% (10 areas) to 14% (5 areas). 31 therapists (4%) had no areas of competence; 45 (6%) had just 1.

    This information needs to be available to people considering therapy — it certainly justifies the attitude of caveat emptor!

    (For a few more details on the study, see Disequilibrium 1’s blog, “Bad Therapy? A Disgruntled Ex-psychotherapy Client Speaks Her Piece”. Scroll down to March 10, 2014.)

  • Elizabeth

    March 20th, 2014 at 1:16 PM

    I could add a couple of items from my experience:

    – therapist telling me my life was too empty and meaningless for me to benefit from therapy – great thing to say to someone who is depressed!
    – therapist constantly going on about her personal life and experiences as a rape counsellor
    – therapist refusing to schedule appointments with me and telling just to call sometime next week and she might have some free time. This person also fraudulently billed my insurance company for sessions that never took place
    – therapist telling me there was no way she could help me
    – therapist yawning repeatedly during sessions – this was after my telling her that I felt nobody liked me and I was boring – great way to reinforce those feelings!
    – therapist repeatedly telling me what to do, not listening when I said that was not the goal I had for therapy, never remembering anything about my personal life

    This sums up the experiences I have had with therapists over the past several years. I know there are some good ones out there but I have had only bad experiences.

  • Missy

    March 20th, 2014 at 1:52 PM

    My husband has been in therapy for 5 years. He has social and emotional issues from his childhood. She came to our home last year because my husband offered the use of a garden tool. I didn’t like her coming into our home. Now the counselor has invited him to be a judge at an event outside of his counseling and has now got him becoming involved in Big Brothers. What do you make of this?

  • Marilyn Ackerman.

    March 23rd, 2014 at 9:23 AM

    Missy,
    Your husband’s therapist has very poor professional boundaries.
    Five years is a long time to be in therapy with the same therapist.
    Perhaps that is how they have resorted to discussing gardening tools.
    I have been a therapist for 30 years.
    None of what you are describing sounds good.

  • Amy

    March 23rd, 2014 at 9:34 PM

    We took our special needs 10 year old son for a neuropsychological evaluation. After meeting with my husband and myself for an hour, he did 3 visits with my son on 3 consecutive weeks. On the second visit with my son, my husband was there that day but I wasn’t, the psychologist told my husband he would be taking our son out in public to see how he acts in real situations. My husband was surprised, and the psychologist did not give him a release to sign or anything, but he felt that he had to let him take him in order to get the full testing done that we needed to get my son properly placed in school. My son later told us that he took him to the bank, where he basically sat in a chair waiting, while the psychologist made his deposits, etc. and then he took him to Starbucks and bought him a hot chocolate. The psychologist later told us that he felt our son acted inappropriately, talking to strangers, etc. and that he was very concerned for his safety. We are very uncomfortable that he took him out, as we really did not know him well and it was only the 2nd time he met my son. I think it’s unprofessional, but I’d like to get other people’s opinions. I should also add that he has been repeatedly very rude and condescending to me. For example, he gave me his cell phone number as a preferable contact number, then rudely reprimanded me when I called him on that number to discuss the results of the testing. It was midday on a Monday, and he said, “I’m home, not feeling well, and I do not want to be having this conversation right now! Do not call me on this number!” We feel at his mercy because the school has paid for this evaluation, and the results will play a huge part in determining the placement for our son for middle school, which is crucial in his mental and emotional health and academic success. I appreciate your take on this.
    Thanks!
    Amy

  • CM

    March 26th, 2014 at 9:35 PM

    Hi Amy! That psychologist is definitely crossing boundaries! I would not trust him at all. I actually would report him for that behaviour if I were you. I really would not trust him with your son if he wants to take your son out in public with out you or your husband. I find that really weird. Because psychologists are in such positions of power they can cross boundaries and then make us feel like we’re the ones who are wrong and who don’t understand, but trust your gut and your own boundaries in this situation. Is there a way you can request to see a different psychologist? Maybe explain to the school that you feel uncomfortable because boundaries were crossed? At the end of the day psychologists are just people, I would approach it as if this man was just some guy you met: judging by his behaviour would you still trust him and think he was worth you and your sons time if he wasn’t a psychologist? He sounds extremely disrespectful and unhelpful. I really hope that things work out and you’re all able to find someone who is a good psychologist and who respects you and your son, and I hope everything works out in the end with the school as well.

  • annelis

    April 4th, 2014 at 10:52 AM

    I really appreciate the comments posted here. I wonder if anyone has anything to add about red flags for a teen’s therapist. I have a 17yr old daughter who has been seeing a therapist for less than a year and I am seriously questioning this person’s competency. But, because of confidentiality rules protecting teens in therapy, I get no feedback from the therapist or from my daughter, who chooses not to share. I have my doubts based on the limited info I have gotten. What is reasonable to expect from a teen’s therapist, as a parent? What would be the red flags, given the limited info we can get? And if I decide that this therapist isn’t good for my daughter, how do I move her to someone else if she doesn’t want to switch without undermining my daughter’s trust and possibly undoing some good that may have been accomplished? Any thoughts on any of this would be so appreciated!

  • SLV

    April 5th, 2014 at 7:27 AM

    Hi all! I have a question. Is it right to expect therapy can make you feel worse before it can make you feel better? My brother has had some mental health problems, has been in hospital a few times during the past few years. Now he’s started talk therapy. The therapist explained to him what therapy was supposedly about: finding underlying causes of problems and fixing them. And she “warned” him he might start getting worse during the therapy or even end up in hospital again. Is that a legit thing to say for a good therapist? what do you think?

  • robert

    April 5th, 2014 at 8:29 PM

    To 844, my son was seeing a therapist who wouldn’t talk to us. we stopped paying her. I don’t feel she was doing anything. After a few years, she decided she couldn’t do anything because he had OCD, and she didn’t treat that. so the years were wasted. by the time she wanted to talk to us, we had no trust and didn’t want anything to do with her. You are paying the fee, just stop paying.

  • disequilibrium1

    April 10th, 2014 at 10:18 PM

    SLV, I’ve read “feel worse before feel better” schtick from therapists many times, so in their space chamber, it’s a legitimate thing to say.

    The problem with the “feeling worse before feeling better” is it lets the therapist completely off the hook. If someone is worse, that means they’re getting better according to the dog logic of therapy.

    I’ve read no science that demonstrates its veracity. I found that thrashing around in my horridness and misery, only taught me the habit of doing more of it.

    Some therapists seem to believe that human behavior is constructed like a piece of machinery. They seem to believe in a specific genesis of harmful behavior, and if patient can recall the hurtful moment and speak it aloud, then, shazam; the witch’s spell magically is broken.

    I’m very sorry about your brother’s problems. I’ve had success with social workers and case workers assisting my family with specific resources and problems. But fixing “underlying causes” was faith healing in my experience.

  • SLV

    April 12th, 2014 at 5:42 AM

    disequilibrium1, thanks for your reply. You’re right – the philosophy of getting worse before getting better is a trap; it offloads responsibility from the therapist. I didn’t think of this aspect, so it makes me more cautious and watchful. This business has so many traps anyway – if the client isn’t making progress, they don’t want to change; or – if therapy proved harmful or ineffective, why did the client stay? If they feel it’s harmful and ineffective, they’re told they’re resistant, and so on… It’s really easy to shift the blame. Such a dirty business…

    I agree that many therapists treat human psyche “mechanically”. While it might be helpful to get to the root of a problem, analysing it itself is unlikely to cause change if it is done without respect, kindness and compassion. Having had some experiences with therapists and psychologists myself, I began to think at least some of them might be deluded. They are taught to interpret behaviours in a certain way (I like the piece of machinery analogy) and propose solutions accordingly, thinking they know better than you (most of them also gave an impression like they think they excel in their field), if those solutions don’t work, they’ve got a number of excuses to account for it so that they don’t have to take responsibility. Considering that this science of psychotherapy doesn’t work in so many cases, it would be really hard for them to assume responsibility every time they fail. So instead of questioning what they were taught or the way they work, they prefer to put failures down to other factors. As I lean towards the view that no human is essentially bad or evil and most of us try to do good, I think those therapists are just deluded in the sense that feel they need to protect their ego, and blaming the client or the circumstances, or anything else that doesn’t question their integrity and competence, is a way of cleaning their conscience. Part of the problem is no-one really urges them to take responsibility, on the contrary, they have consent (from their peers and authorities) to shrug it off. Knowing that, I don’t really expect therapists to do good. In a sense, they’re victims of their training and their ego, and – just like most other people, regardless of their profession – not used to thinking for themselves… So I stopped looking up to them long ago, but I also kinda stopped “blaming” them. You just can’t really expect them to live up to their promises or to “be fair”, for that matter. Well, you just can’t trust them, that’s what it comes down to. Sad but… true (for me, can’t speak for everybody, of course, but I pretty much think I’ve had enough experience to draw this conclusion). So I kinda let them be but don’t trust them. Easy for me. But I remember the times when I was vulnerable and looking for someone I could trust – this is the sad part, because they feed off people like this.

  • disequilibrium1

    April 13th, 2014 at 12:54 PM

    SLV, I reached the same conclusions on the delusions of therapists. Most painful and difficult for me was they put on such a Wizard of Oz extravaganza. They operate out of such accreditation and authority, so rarely giving the public a hint that they’re such a soft science.

    If they approached clients –as many complementary medicine providers do–without actual or implied promises, this might better protect the public.

    I finally concluded that the therapists themselves were scammed and deluded even more than I was. But it was a hard fall.

    Another blogger, not me, wrote a thoughtful piece about the questionable logic of therapy “trytherapyfree blog wordpress.”

  • Angelo

    April 15th, 2014 at 8:30 PM

    I am looking for guidance on how I should handle this situation. Me and my son mother (never married) are going through a long drawn out custody battle. The mother has made every attempt to alienate me from my 6yr old son. I have done everything in my power to try to form a bond with my son. We currently have joint custody, but she has filed a petition with the courts to get sole custody. My attorney has informed me that it will be hard for her to get sole custody since I have several email showing that I have been trying to enact visitation and phone calls only to be met with road blocks. The mother latest stunt is that she has set up an appointment with a psychologist who specializes in custody battles. Once I heard about this situation I immediately contacted my sons kindergarten and daycare teacher who both said my son is behaving normal and has not show any signs of behavior that would warrant counseling. I have made several attempts to contact the doctor to let him know that he does not have my consent as a parent in a joint custody situation. I have left 4 messages with the doctors receptionist and the doctor has yet to return my phone call. The appointment is scheduled for April 19, 2014 and I am worried that this session is going to happen even without my consent. I am trying to stop it because I know this is nothing more than the mother trying to use my son to build her case for sole custody. If the doctor proceeds with the session knowing I do not give consent, can I sue him or complain about his decision to proceed? Will a lawyer help with this and what measures should I take so I have proof that I did not consent.

  • Wanda Sims

    April 22nd, 2014 at 12:31 PM

    Counselor lists his/her “specialties” and the list is as long as your arm! No one who is spread that thin can be any good. Like diners that have 6 page menus – but take everything out of the freezer from boxes – pre-made!

  • Wanda Sims

    April 22nd, 2014 at 12:44 PM

    I saw a marriage counselor in 1987 with my (soon after EX-) husband. She said she was a PhD, which was a lie. She was very enamored with my husband. He told a string of goofy-sounding stories about me – to make himself look “normal” and me look “crazy.” She never fact-checked them, but ate them up. She treated me like dirt, screamed and yelled at me, then LUNGED at me – with NO WARNING – and pinned me against the wall one evening when I was seated on the sofa next to my husband, crying softly after an intense session. Long story short, she was trying to shake me up and involuntarily commit me to a local PRIVATE psych hospital – for our insurance $ – and I found out later she had done this to 2 other of her “clients.” She had a side-job as an “outreach” bed-filler at this PRIVATE hospital, and was probably getting “finder’s fees” for “referrals.” A serious public menace. Read BEDLAM by Joe Sharkey – this happened in the 1980’s more often than the profession wants you to know. Shameful. She is still in practice today – scary!

  • Wanda S

    June 27th, 2014 at 3:50 AM

    I recently found out that the quack “marriage counselor” we saw was involuntarily committing clients from her own puny practice in the late 1980’s – for no good reason – fabricating diagnoses. She had a part-time bed-filler/”outreach” position at a local for-profit psychiatric hospital. With each “referral” (which of course always resulted in an admission) she would get brownie points with the owners, make $ for the facility (from people’s insurance) and be given a nice $ “referral fee.” This was a widespread abuse in the late 1980’s – read the book “BEDLAM” by Joe Sharkey.

  • Wanda Sims

    April 23rd, 2014 at 3:57 AM

    So check out all of the therapist’s associations to be sure there are no potential conflicts of interest – such as being an officer in another private venture. In my case the “therapist” used her affiliation to guarantee herself success & profit from all sides.

  • Wanda Sims

    April 23rd, 2014 at 4:31 AM

    And DEFINITELY – first – get online and confirm that the therapist’s license is “active,” that it is in the appropriate field, that the degree level is as he/she advertises- and go to your state’s consumer affairs website and check for any past disciplinary actions – and what they were for. If unsure you can just search the internet with the therapist’s name in quotes.

  • Robert W

    April 28th, 2014 at 10:49 PM

    My first session with my therapist was basically intake. Today was my second session in that session she did turn the phone to silent but she got about seven phone calls and each one she looked down at a phone to see who was calling. Also the other problem I had was she reminded me of my little sister a methamphetamine addict and right now I have a really bad feeling in my gut. She is also from a different area she’s from Southern California I’m in Northern California how do I check her out to see if she has problems of her own that will affect her therapy? I know she has been or she is in a 12 step program the thing that bothers me was today she was like an addict waiting for that phone call!!

  • Robert

    May 1st, 2014 at 8:22 PM

    A while ago, we were in family therapy. I signed a permission form for him to speak to my therapist thinking it would be helpful. He went behind my back and told my therapist to convince me I should be drugged up for the “sake of my children.” There was n issue of abuse. I may not be the most skilled father, but who is. Since I was paying the fee, did he have any right to do that. My own therapist was deeply offended by this and said he had totally disrespected his long association with me. would like someone’s view of this. Did he break a professional boundary.

  • ThreeCats

    May 2nd, 2014 at 4:10 AM

    My psychologist (who I’ve been seeing for 3 months) told me yesterday that we are not equals. He said it was because I was the patient wanting something…and he had the methods or knowledge or something that made him beyond being equal with me. My feelings on this is I am outraged anyone, much less a therapist, would say I’m not equal to them. The way I see it, I am an equal person or a variation on a theme, just as he is, and my mental illness has nothing to do with me being equal. I’m thinking of dropping him.

  • Michael

    May 4th, 2014 at 6:19 AM

    After years of $400.00 a session bad tharapy with no resolve our tharapist started typing on her computer, I asked what are you doing? her response was “I have to keep better notes in case I am sued”, me and my wife are now better with out all this nonsense and have not been back.

  • chris60

    May 9th, 2014 at 4:15 AM

    Therapy is great if you can find someone who genuinely cares about you and can help you to identify areas in your life that may be adding to your distress or ways to set healthier goals and develop healthier behaviour to assist you to connect in healthy ways with decent people. The best tip is that you should leave if the person treating you seems less stable or socially competent than yourself. I endured a nightmare period of seeing psychiatrists, believing that they were better trained to treat me. I later learnt that one of these doctors was a paranoid schizophrenic, another was bipolar with a penchant for sleeping with his anorectic patients and others did not seemed decidedly odd or more distressed than myself. Run, don’t walk, if they start attacking you without reason, hitting on you, blubbering about their own problems or trying to convince you that you are terminally sick and incapable of working again…but they will look after you indefinitely at an exorbitant fee. The last psychiatrist accused me of having no friends and then scampered after me into the waiting room, lying that I had left a strip of headache pills behind, but obviously worried about what I might say to his receptionist. I offered to take the pills, as I had none at home, and then promptly called and cancelled future sessions. Since then it felt as if a light switched on as I no longer was being coerced to keep drudging up painful childhood memories and could start living my life in the moment and planning for the future instead. The no pain, no gain motto can actually trigger a pattern of negative rumination that puts your life on hold. Reading a good psychology book or taking a walk in the sunshine seems far more helpful and less traumatic than enduring negative interactions with conceited and abrasive doctors.

  • Chelsea

    January 23rd, 2017 at 5:32 PM

    “The no pain, no gain motto can actually trigger a pattern of negative rumination that puts your life on hold. Reading a good psychology book or taking a walk in the sunshine seems far more helpful and less traumatic than enduring negative interactions with conceited and abrasive doctors.”

    Amen!

  • Anne

    May 15th, 2014 at 9:37 AM

    I saw a psychologist, with the appropriate creds. and years of experience, for three years, beginning with working on my agoraphobia and anxiety issues. He was great in that regard, and using talk therapy and hypnosis got me out of my house, and returning to work in less than a year. At the time, he was the only person who made me feel good, and I saw him as the only person in the world who could. (I have previously seen a psychiatrist who gave me meds. and with whom I never felt even a slight connection)
    However, once the psychologist began to bring my family into the process, he made some awful blunders.He despised my husband and altho I didn’t like him much myself and have since left that family-still bothered me). The bottom line is: He made me feel good and I craved that feeling more and more. He was paid to do this; however, he was not paid to: insist on seeing me without charge when my insurance ran out and telling me not to tell anyone,(I allowed this) showing up at my workplace and inviting me out to coffee (I went), or buying me a Christmas present(I kept it). He did tell me he had counter-transference; then later denied telling me that. Bottom line is I think he disrespected me, and used my sharing in some ways to fulfill his needs. Frankly, I still miss the “making me feel good” part; and am angry about the other. He always said he had a phenomenal memory; what he’ll never know is that, years later, so do I.

  • Me

    May 16th, 2014 at 2:39 AM

    Actually It’s late and I meant to say. I wish someone would have given me this list when I was seeing retard as my therapist.

  • Anne

    May 16th, 2014 at 2:41 PM

    I hope a professional will comment on my situation (Anne , post #861) on therapy that does not go badly and without any warning signs until after you form the connection and your agoraphobia ceases and your real personality emerges. That is what creates the feelings of confusion and bewilderment; rather like having one’s fingers slammed in a door you worked so hard to open!

  • disequilibrium1

    May 20th, 2014 at 8:32 PM

    Anne, I’m not a therapist, but from reading, I’d think what you describe is definitely over the line. There are prohibitions against relationships outside of the structured therapy, gifts. Anything not benefiting the client, like being seductive, would be out of bounds. Sometimes it’s difficult find a provider to criticize another, but they generally agree that sex, or gestures leading that direction would be unethical. You can search the terms counseling, therapy or psychotherapy + “slippery slope.”

    Even if years have passed, you can connect with folks at the Therapy Exploitation Link Line. Their site also have reading and suggested books. There’s also a blogger who offers resources at “Surviving Therapist Abuse.”

    Though you don’t describe a full-out affair, you depict a therapy tainted by mixed messages. Other women with similar experiences describe it as quite confusing and hurtful.

  • Marcia

    May 21st, 2014 at 12:39 AM

    Is it unethical for a counselor to give his opinion to a client (even when asked)? Counselor told my friend her husband (whom she is separated from) was having an affair, manipulating her to keep her on the sideline, manipulating her to keep her from dating someone new and manipulating her into thinking they have a chance they may reconcile. This opinion came after one 30 minute group session. Isn’t this considered unethical behavior in the therapist world? Correct me if I am wrong!! Your opinion’s please, afraid she won’t believe me! I think she needs a new therapist!

  • Anne

    May 21st, 2014 at 10:38 AM

    Thanks, Disequilibrium~ TELL has essays from women who mirror my exact conflicting feelings about my therapist.
    True, there was not full-out affair, I had sense enough to always dance just out of the fires and felt it would have been up to me to make a move, and I didn’t. However, like many of the women on TELL, he was the “SUN” to me, so giving that up left emptiness. I wonder if my therapist, perhaps having had a drink or two, didn’t call me and go on about his counter-transference; and then then when I confronted him,soberly just found it handy to deny. I dropped it quickly, assuring him I didn’t intend to sue him. He maintained it never happened. Subsequently, I felt maybe I was crazy, and had just imagined it–but only for a second, I knew it happened. He was careless with my feelings. He disrespected me, he disrespected his wife, he lied to me, and I have no doubt he was simply amusing himself with the little simpleton I apparently was.

  • Wanda S

    June 27th, 2014 at 4:05 AM

    …and probably amused himself with some other client later on. Dallying in an affair like this would have screwed you up even more, in new directions – so it’s good you didn’t. Him saying “that never happened” screwed with your head and denied reality, which is anti-therapeutic. How many narcissists say “that never happened/I never said that” – so you are delusional or “crazy?” Never forget that with this “inexact science” they can label you crazy any time they wish, and you are left to prove yourself sane.

  • Mary S

    July 24th, 2014 at 8:06 PM

    Anne,
    What you describe your therapist doing was definitely unethical — it constitutes what is usually called a boundary violation. It’s understandable that you felt confused — he first helped you, then turned around and used you. It’s so sad that this happens. Clients are not given enough information to really be confident when boundary violations occur. I’m sorry you had to undergo this experience. But I wouldn’t be so sure he considered you as “a little simpleton” — he may have thought of you as a challenge to conquer/seduce.

  • ClientsWife

    May 22nd, 2014 at 1:28 AM

    My husband of over 20 years was asked by me to go to anger management counseling after striking our adult son during a verbal argument. He has had outbursts of violence in the past which has almost caused us to divorce. I was proud that he took the step to help not just himself but our family by attending sessions with a family therapist.
    The first couple of sessions he attended alone, but I was invited to the third. I was met by a very attractive woman in a tight suit, She touched my husbands back/shoulder as we entered her office. I have never been the jealous type but that physical contact annoyed me because I felt it very unprofessional. We all sat and she wanted to get my perspective of why my husband has problems controlling his emotions. I told her that he gets angry quickly at times and has a hard time communicating with many people. She cut me off and stated she feels his issues are deep and are a result of his upbringing. Yes, my husbands parents could be very considered abusive emotionally and physically at times, and that this was why my husband has this trouble. I expressed to her that I understood his troubled upbringing as I had one myself yet never raised my hands towards anyone. I told her that when my husband starts yelling it triggers me into a depression, and I began to weep uncontrollably on the couch. I told her I loved this man but our marriage is in serious trouble because I will not permit anymore violence in our home.
    As I was crying my eyes out her cell rang and she took the call. I was in shock. I must have gave her a not so nice look because the conversation ended quickly. After the call, while I was blowing my nose, she decides to take a bottle of lotion out of her purse and rubs some on her hands and wrists, then grabs her lip gloss and applies some. I just looked over at my husband like HUH?!
    She continues to make excuses for my husbands behaviors blaming his parents and stating to me that its the root of all this. I asked if we can get past the blame and work on our future as we cant change whats already happened, and she told me I didn’t understand the scope of his issues, and how she has her own style of therapy that’s rigorous but effective. I told her I have worked in the mental health field for as long as I have been married and Id support this therapy. I did immediately talk to my husband about her conduct. I asked him to discuss her behavior with her during the next session so we could nip it in the bud. When he did she immediately became defensive. My husbands T offered no apologies, and only an excuse, that grooming herself is a quirk she doesn’t realize she does. I thought to myself if this is how she acts when I’m in the sessions whats she do when I’m not? I bit my lip and he continued to see her.
    After 8 months of therapy she has broken many warning signs that were listed on this site. She began to tell my husband her own personal struggles with caring for her elderly mother. This info was dropped on me after she canceled a session. I asked my husband if she often talks about her own problems and he stated she had but then didn’t get specific. I trust my husband but I know he is vulnerable too, and I also know and knew this behavior was unacceptable that she was displaying. A clients session I feel should be about the client not the therapist.
    She had left a voice mail on my cell that she wanted to talk to me about my husband and again get a better understanding on things between us but I didn’t return the call. I did not like this woman after meeting her and thought it best I didn’t return the call in fear Id tell her exactly why and cause trouble with my husbands therapy.
    My husband and I discussed him going every other week instead of weekly recently but she talked him out of it which I thought was an act done out of greed more so than caring, but he ended up listening to her.
    The straw that broke the camels back was when I wrote her a letter and attached it to the co payment check and suggested she read the letter and its entirety to my husband. She only read bits and pieces, as since I told him exactly what i wrote, he said, “Well she left a lot of content out and told me not to tell you that she read any of it to me.” This floored me. How dare she ask my husband to be deceptive?? Even my husband who made excuses for her in the past knew this was a terrible thing to tell him to do. We have always been honest with one another. I never asked him what they discussed in private and was always there for support only, but this letter was important for me to write, and since she requested a call I thought a letter would be better and that I could express myself without being cut off.
    In this letter I wrote how hurt I was and why during our first meeting, and that I never want to meet with her again and that I thought she was a horrible therapist for grooming in front of my husband as well as taking calls especially when someone is emotional. I expressed that she shouldn’t be talking about her own issues with my husband and that she should reserve herself a session from a therapist for this. I wrote I was uncomfortable with her “quirks” as she put it, and that if she continued this type of flirty or unacceptable behavior I would file a complaint.
    She phoned my husband the next day to say she gave the letter to her lawyer and she said she did this because she felt the letter was threatening, which it wasn’t, so there’s no worries here. My husband asked her what was threatening about it, and she said I was ruining her character. How can one ruin someones character by writing them a letter? I wasn’t threatening her, as this was a promise. A promise to protect my husband was made on our wedding day, and I will always have his back. That wasn’t a threat to report her it was a promise! Since when is complaining about conduct and services threatening??
    I asked my husband how he would feel if the situation were reversed, so he called her and told her he could no longer see her.
    I have such a weight lifted off me now, and will be finding him/us a new T, as I refuse to give up on our family. Thanks to all for this website and for reading my story. I have read a lot of good advice and it’s very appreciated!

  • Wanda S

    June 27th, 2014 at 4:16 AM

    OMG – ClientsWife, is this “therapist” in New Jersey? Sounds like the one who was enamored with my husband and pinned me against the sofa that night. Seiously check the education, current licensing and credentials of this woman with the State Board. Some of them are narcissistic and very impressed with themselves – think they’re Freud – then think they can do certain therapies and long-term psychoanalysis etc when they have no training. I wonder why you and your husband stuck with her for this long, but it’s good you’ve stopped seeing her.

  • Plain Speaker

    May 22nd, 2014 at 2:19 PM

    I think you are well purposed in seeking a new therapist; although some of your complaints about the old one are not understandable to me. Touching someone on the shoulder does not seem unprofessional to me.
    I don’t see applying lotion as “flirty” either; it may look ridiculous and trite but I doubt it’s seductive.
    I can’t envision a female therapist trying to be flirtatious with a man who, when he gets mad, hits people.
    I would however, immediately replace any therapist who took a call during a therapy session, unless it was a matter of life and death. Good therapists do not have access to a phone of any kind during sessions.

  • Wanda S

    June 27th, 2014 at 4:22 AM

    Plain Speaker, I completely disagree. Warm gestures toward one spouse when both are present gives an impression of unfairness and partiality – which, by the therapist’s treatment of this wife, turned out to be accurate. A goid therapist would strive to never give this appearance. Make-up application makes me think she’s a narcissist who’s full of herself and a Machiavelli who would smash the knee caps of anyone who would challenge, oppose or dissent. The ” profession” is FULL of them!

  • Robert

    May 23rd, 2014 at 5:13 PM

    A while ago, we were in family therapy. I signed a permission form for him to speak to my therapist thinking it would be helpful. He went behind my back and told my therapist to convince me I should be drugged up for the “sake of my children.” There was n issue of abuse. I may not be the most skilled father, but who is. Since I was paying the fee, did he have any right to do that. My own therapist was deeply offended by this and said he had totally disrespected his long association with me. would like someone’s view of this. Did he break a professional boundary.

  • ClientsWife

    May 25th, 2014 at 8:52 AM

    @ Plain Speaker

    Thank you for the response.

    People who have anger management issues aren’t always physically violent and hit people when they become upset. Many who suffer from this condition have verbal outbursts, and some even hide their frustrations and internalize the pain. My husband has exhibited all of these symptoms, and has had two incidents of physical aggression, since I have been with him, which was two too many as I am against violence, and why I insisted he seek therapy. If one can’t envision a female therapist flirting with a male client with anger management issues, ask yourself why would a male therapist flirt with a female client with psychiatric problems. The answer is it happens and its wrong, whether the flirting is done by a male or female therapist.
    A therapist shouldn’t touch a clients back or shoulder and should be respectful of others personal space. That in itself didn’t trigger any concern, but the combination of events that quickly transpired after did.
    How one dresses and conducts themselves plays a huge role on how others view us. Grooming oneself in a clinical situation is beyond “trite and ridiculous” imo and can be considered seductive especially applying lipstick/gloss. Body language is a huge percentage of communication, so wearing tight clothes, touching others without asking, winking, or applying lotion could most definitely be seen a flirtatious behavior, but really, you had to be in that office to know why I felt the way I did.
    When my husband brought these concerns to her they were dismissed by her stating that this is her “quirk” she can’t control, which basically was saying that the behavior will continue and shows a lack of professionalism. Instead of apologizing for her actions she chose to make an excuse for herself. Everyone makes mistakes, but not everyone owns up to them and apologizes.
    Also, a therapist who unloads their own personal struggles, which have nothing to do with the clients therapy, are crossing professional boundaries.
    A therapist who tells a client to be deceptive to their spouse has serious ethic issues and could create more problems in their clients relationship. Honesty is always the best policy. This therapist asked my husband to be dishonest to someone he has always respected enough to tell the truth to, and this is what ultimately led to her firing.
    I agree 100% that a good therapist doesn’t answer the phone during a session, especially when they have invited the clients spouse to the session, who at the time is pouring their heart out and has tears.

    Again, thanks to all who read this.

  • Fiona D-P

    May 25th, 2014 at 1:02 PM

    I was treated ‘very’ badly by an NHS counselling psychologist.
    He had (unchecked) counter transference reactions toward me.
    He became very sadistic (hostile counter transference).
    I complained to the BPS and the NHS healthcare trust and he did his very best to discredit and pathologize me.
    Then,adding insult to my already considerable injury, he wrote about me in a textbook called The Handbook of Professional and Ethical Practice.

    He attempted to use the text book as a vehicle to try to clear his name amongst his colleagues.

    He knew he had been unfairly abusive to me and didn’t feel good about anyone being under the impression that this is how he was.
    He wanted to secure his standing with fellow professionals.
    He had zero respect for me and no concern for my wellbeing in fact he couldn’t have cared less as (for some reason known only to him) he regarded me as less than nothing.

    He described me as ‘delusional’ and implied I was a vindictive nutter who had a prior history of fabricating complaints against health professionals.
    False allegations against therapists are extremely rare as is “delusional transference” however almost everyone seemed more than willing to accept his version of events and take everything he said at face value.

    It happened in 1999 and (in a way) I do feel quite sorry for him because he is an inadequate liar in an unhappy marriage incapable of truly loving a woman-he is a man who gets his jollies deliberately sexualizing therapy sessions and bullying vulnerable women.

    His contribution to the ‘Handbook of Professional and Ethical Practice’ is entitled ‘Complaints Professional and Ethical Considerations’.

    Yes he was most definitely a moralist” who didnt follow his own sermons.

    I did make a formal complaint to the British Psychological Society that he had written about me in a very negative dishonest and self serving way in the textbook.
    My complaint was not upheld by the BPS as apparently he had sufficiently anonymised -he had not mentioned my name, gender, ethnicity ,age etc

  • siobhan

    June 21st, 2014 at 9:21 PM

    Fiona.

    What exactly was the specific complaint you raised the ethics board? (I am a clinical psychologist) so I am you say hearing he was “hostile” can you describe behaviors? A countertransference reaction does not warrant a complaint. So there must have been serious behaviors on his part or they would not have heard the complaint.countertransferance should be discussed and worked thru in the therapy.It actually can be very therapeutic to examine the transference and the countertransferance.As well, he can write about *you* as long as he does not violate confidentiality.

  • Fiona D-P

    May 25th, 2014 at 1:40 PM

    A year later I requested another NHS referral as I needed therapy to get over the previous therapy.

    Unfortunately I found the second therapist automatically assumed that whatever I was trying to express (about the exploitative first therapist) was either a behavioral problem or a symptom of a psychological disorder.

    She had ‘client is crazy’ as her default.

    She believed me in the end but it wasn’t really a positive experience for me…it wasn’t healing.

  • disequilibrium1

    May 26th, 2014 at 7:33 AM

    @Anne. From my experiences and readings, even on this page, many/most therapists prime clients to think of them as The Sun. One trainee above even crowed that therapists are “relationship experts,” unaware how miserably she failed to gauge the discussion here before she burst in as Expert. I think The Sun role is extremely damaging even if a therapist isn’t seductive as you describe. It’s a delusion for two.’

    I found correspondence with the Therapy Exploitation Link Line folks extremely helpful. You’ll also find consumer discussions on some WordPress blogs, mine at disequilibrium1, trytherapyfree and a new oneforbiddenpsychology.

    @ ClientsWife. I think the person in the room is best qualified to report whether a therapist none of met is flirty or not.(The negation you received here is EXACTLY how many therapists behave.) I’d be taken aback if any paid professional used my client time to groom herself.

    Fiona-the contemporary variation on what you describe is the therapist blogger, and I’ve seen many, who vindictively write about their clients. Likewise, when we report a bad experience a frequent defense is to either blame the client for being uncommitted or to blame the client for not finding a better fit. In the vast ocean of professional literature there’s slim acknowledgement therapy’s potential harm. It makes me wonder if psychotherapy is less than the “science” they pretend it is.

    @Marcia. Some therapists give direct opinions;some don’t. They think it ethical. In my opinion, it’s unethical for a therapist to claim telepathy and clairvoyance, which likely is beyond the therapist’s training.

  • disequilibrium1

    May 26th, 2014 at 12:43 PM

    There’s a UK site I just learned of with information for consumers. It’s supportingsafetherapy dot org.

  • Fiona D-P

    May 26th, 2014 at 1:35 PM

    In his chapter Complaints- Professional and Ethical Considerations he describes me as “challenging”

    He interpreted my behaviour as challenging because I point blank refused to play out the role of supplicant.

    He took extreme personal umbrage when I made it clear to him he was not the centre my Universe.

    Something I wanted to mention is this…

    I noticed some of his female clients would wear short skirts and low necklines for their sessions with him- this may sound unkind of me but I felt slightly contemptuous that they were gratifying him in that way by showing him a lot of skin…trying to entice him.

    I know its probably a form of transference acting out but I did view them as foolish.

  • Anne

    May 27th, 2014 at 9:30 AM

    Fiona, I love the fact that you could stroll into therapy and begin by making it assertively clear to the therapist that you were no puppet. However, for people such as myself in a state of extreme anxiety with too much crippling agoraphobia to keep their job, drive their car, and hardly leave their home, it would be all we could to slink in there and sit shaking in the corner. Of course I realize that made us all the more vulnerable…to everything. It was not until I was having no more anxiety attacks, able to go back to work and responding to that freedom with much spirit that the therapist begin to treat me as other than a patient. For a long time I thought I was just his little project, and he was proud of his work, and still think that was a factor in the attraction once I was better and smiling all the time.

  • Dottydot126

    May 30th, 2014 at 12:57 AM

    My situation is quite complicated. I was given temporary custody of my GS who has Aspergers. Both his parents were alcoholics and not caring for his basic needs and, of course, not his special needs. I began taking child to counselor referred to me by school. He was diagnosed and treated for 2 years for ADHD. I finally took him to a neurologist who declared in 10 minutes my GS has Aspergers and set him up with a Child Development Center for testing. When the test came back as expected this therapist took the credit for the diagnosis. I overlooked this as my GS had a decent relationship with counselor. This counselor changed locations several times and each time he tried treatments I began to feel were more or less trial and error for his benefit and not GS. For example, for 2 weeks it was play therapy he needed, then it was equestrian therapy and then group therapy with children not even dealing with the same issues. I finally asked why we were no longer receiving private sessions and that I wanted a written goal sheet from him outlining where his treatment was headed and what results were expected. I never received this and went searching for a better therapist.
    At this same time, at his 3rd office, I convinced my daughter to come live with me and seek parenting counseling and work towards gaining custody back. A woman in this therapist office jumped right in and said she was skilled in this very thing. She said she had been a “Friend of the Court” and had reconciled many broken families. Instead, I think this woman was giving her legal advice on how to fight me in court to regain custody, even though she did not know the entire story.
    In addition, when I took my GS to the new therapist she received a message from old therapist requesting they get together to discuss my GS’s case. I asked the new therapist about informed consent and was shown a signed document. The document was signed by my daughter who both therapist were well aware did not have custody or authorization to sign this document.
    I later received a call from my daughter’s therapist threatening me by saying as a “Friend of the Court” for my daughter it would not look good that I had changed therapists because the courts would consider that “doctor shopping”.
    Because of this female counselors negative influence over my easily manipulated and vulnerable daughter she left angry with me and without her child.
    I received a summons to court from my daughter and her husband suing me for custody and I answered it in April. So far, there has been silence from the other side and I believe it is because without this counselors intrusion a court case would have not been something my daughter would do on her own. Now, my daughter is in another state away from this menace but no closer to getting her child back then before she came.
    Have you ever heard of such a messed up situation? And what should I do to make this right for 1) my grandson 2) my daughter 3) myself.
    Thanks!

  • Kristine

    June 6th, 2014 at 10:00 AM

    Currently I am in a situation that has me and my mate seperated. He has met a woman online through work and has continuted to communicate with her for the past 6+ weeks. She stated she has a psychology background and I feel they have formed a friendship. He states that she is his ‘counsel’ and is helping him sort his thoughts during our seperation. Myself, I think it is bogus and there is more to this than meets the eye. I do not believe she is any longer a student, nor professional in psychology but I am curious if it is appropriate that they exchange pictures with each other… to me this is not professional either way. This and the fact that he has said things like “oh, she told me you would say that”… thoughts please

  • belinda

    June 12th, 2014 at 6:39 PM

    I researched a therapist I was referred to. Thank heavens I did this before I spent any money on her. She had co-authored two books written against my religion calling it a cult and ‘exposing’ how it has ruined lives. Obviously it is unlikely she would have been objective in my therapy.

  • Nancy

    June 17th, 2014 at 12:25 PM

    To consider adding to the list:

    Therapist doesn’t recognize your sense of vulnerability or whatever you feel (real or otherwise) and respect and/or validate these feelings as yours.

    In the first few sessions, if the therapist doesn’t help you navigate your options… your own assessment of what you need, and thereby help you explore what kinds of therapies are available to you and/or if long term vs short term therapy can accomplish your goals. To include admitting they can or can’t help you meet your goals… and you should ask!

    Any therapist you aren’t comfortable with, period… for whatever reason… you can’t enter into an effective therapeutic relationship if you aren’t able to trust the other person. Trust comes over time but you can immediately trust your gut!

  • Nancy

    June 17th, 2014 at 12:38 PM

    Just a comment… one of the worst things I’ve done in my long career as a therapeutic patient was to assume I was incompetent in all areas of my life just because I was in crisis… too many times I ignored or overruled my better judgment because I thought the therapist *should and would* know best. Never trust any therapist that won’t allow and encourage you to take some control over your own therapy… effective therapy requires a balanced relationship, you are one half of that relationship and don’t lose site that you are, necessarily, the most valuable component — it’s your therapy, afterall!

  • Laura, LMHC

    August 21st, 2014 at 6:36 AM

    Well said Nancy!!

  • Fiona

    June 19th, 2014 at 4:20 PM

    Anne 876

    I didn’t find it easy I was intensely traumatised but I’m a good actress.

    Its humiliating to admit but fifteen years later I’m still not over it.

    Him writing the chapter in that textbook totally screwed me up… I still struggle to understand my own psyche – for example four years after I left his so called ‘treatment’ I found out he got married and I was ‘jealous’??!

    He was central to my Universe and in a way he still is – I hate that I allowed that to happen I feel so weak

    I wish I hadn’t met him.

  • Fiona

    June 20th, 2014 at 9:25 AM

    There used to be an organization based in London called ‘Prevention of Professional Abuse Network’

    They told me my experience was one of the worst cases of orchestrated psychological abuse they had ever come across.

    They did some excellent work on behalf of people abused by health professionals.

  • Laura, LMHC

    August 21st, 2014 at 6:31 AM

    I’m glad to know justice was served in your case!

  • Anne

    June 21st, 2014 at 1:48 PM

    Fiona
    I think it must have been a horrific discovery to find your case in writing; but really, how do any of us know whether or not we’ve been written up after our questionable experiences w/therapists? I wouldn’t know where to look. My therapist was not mean to me until after I was dismissive of his efforts to seduce me; but he must have relished my bewilderment when he constantly sent me mixed messages which amount to:
    “come here”/”I didn’t say come here”..or “come here/”go away”, and once appeared at my place of business and greeted me by proclaiming “You’ve been gaining weight, haven’t you?” AAARGH.

  • Fiona

    June 22nd, 2014 at 2:04 PM

    Siobhan
    It started off as hostile countertransference (I reminded him of his mother) and then descended into him being extremely seductive pretending to be in love with me, making sadistic comments [eg] calling me boring, laughing at me standing over me in an intimidating way.

    To cut a long story short he psychologically abused me emotionally raped me and tried to humiliate me for his own amusement.

    He was a narcissist and a sociopath.

    He wrote about me in the Handbook of Professional and Ethical Practice for Psychologists Psychotherapists and Counsellors because he had been ostracised by some of his direct co-workers (they saw through him)he was desperate to re-secure his standing with them.
    It was a manipulative act.

    I never received any formal justice but the fact I exposed him gives me comfort as it will hopefully make him think twice about abusing other women.

  • Laura, LMHC

    August 21st, 2014 at 6:29 AM

    Wow! This is horrible. I am reading all these post and I feel so disappointed in the “professionals” you have all been seeing. None of you should have to experience that. Therapy is a place for healing, clarification and understanding. These therapist that you refer to have all taken advantage of their position and have used it to empower themselves by putting you down and emotionally abusing you. I am so sorry that you went through that but I can assure you that there are wonderful therapist out there who can truly help you process and heal from the issues you would like to work through. I encourage you all to keep searching and yes, perhaps a woman therapist may be a better match for women in most cases. Best wishes!

  • Fiona

    June 23rd, 2014 at 9:10 AM

    He seemed to greatly enjoy being the one with the upper hand, at least APPEARING to be – but it was a smoke screen to hide his deep insecurities and the nature of human interaction is that you can fool some of the people some of the time but you cant fool all of the people all of the time.

    In my case I picked up on his body language and (much to his annoyance) continually questioned his words and actions he was perceptive enough to realise when the smoke screen wasnt working-he couldnt achieve a sense of interpersonal mastery with regard to me.

    The other female clients were revelling in the flirtation and dressing up to see him-I just couldn’t lower myself to use my body, flash my legs and cleavage for his attention.

    When I told him I was leaving ,’abandoning him’,(he describes it in the text book as ‘abrupt termination’) he became angry.

    But it was never really about me personally – merely the fact that I triggered him to face his own issues and one of those issues is abandonment, but not by me personally, more to do with something he buried a long time ago that keeps struggling to the surface when certain interactions – such as the one with me.

    I pressed the right buttons and received the full force of his narcissistic wrath.

  • Olli

    June 23rd, 2014 at 10:37 AM

    It doesn’t make sense that professionals would think it’s the clients fault. Unfortunately there are too many people who feel strong need just to protect their own. I’d love to report the therapist I went to.
    It would be fair to think he’d be disciplined. I guess really what I need is my money back. I thought my situation was uncommon but heard it happens. It looked like they had a show going on in order to make sure I’d return for more therapy. Plenty of attention, compliments, more attention. Taking advantage of male /female dynamics. Making sure he used the opportunity to help himself. In the end, I was hurt and didn’t get over it for a long time.

  • Fiona

    June 23rd, 2014 at 12:15 PM

    Healthcare institutions like the NHS seem to have dysfunctional dynamics in operation that fall badly on abused clients & complainants.

    I ended up being re-victimized by their complaints process.

    When I made my complaint(s) I experienced the phenomenons known as ‘closing of ranks’ and ‘blame the victim’ especially from ‘professionals’ who had never even met him.

    Some remained neutral (professional neutrality) because I was so traumatized and vulnerable that neutrality wounded me.

    His wife ,who worked as a clinical psychologist in the same organization, helped him write about me.

    Protecting and enabling the abusive therapist-its as morally repugnant as the abuse itself.

    He used her like a criminal uses an accomplice.

  • Anne

    June 24th, 2014 at 1:26 AM

    The more I read here the more firmly convinced I am that women should see female therapists. There is just too much power in a male authority figure over a female. I also wish somebody would explain to me why transference has to be “you remind me of X and I want to sleep with you”…rather than “I just want to sleep with you”.

  • Fiona

    June 24th, 2014 at 9:55 AM

    My therapist didnt want to sleep with me-it was more he wanted to conquer me.

    My enforcement of boundaries seemed to be an irresistible challenge for him because his other young female clients were flirting with him and he was smug that he had them turning up for sessions in short skirts.

    He said he was impressed that I had higher standards for myself and he was attracted to the ‘innocence’ in my mannerisms.

    I think he felt more of a subconscious emotional link with me because he couldnt manipulate me like the others.

    He demonstrated a severe Whore/Madonna complex.

  • Anne

    June 24th, 2014 at 11:54 AM

    Fiona, I meant about calling yearnings or anger or whatever emotion from patient toward therapist, and therapist toward patient always being called transference as in “it’s not really YOU, it is about whoever you remind me of”. If a patient doesn’t remind her therapist of anybody but rather he simply has a yearn for her body, would he still call that transference; as opposed to labeling it “hound dog behavior”? I can’t imagine that I reminded mine of anyone…except maybe his college years.

  • Fiona

    June 24th, 2014 at 12:58 PM

    My therapist was definitely a hound dog playing a sick game- using women to get his sexual thrills.

    I wonder what they got out of that?
    The honour of being leered at?

    Im confused and genuinely wonder why some women dress seductively as part of ‘transference’.

  • Anne

    June 25th, 2014 at 2:19 PM

    I’m confused with “transference” being a catch-all term and wish somebody would set me straight.
    Yes, plenty of women crave male attention any way they can get it, and the primary way a lot of them know is to ‘show the goods’–male therapist, mailman, whoever.

  • Fiona

    June 26th, 2014 at 9:16 AM

    Ive never used the showing him the goods strategy to get a mans attention because it wouldnt really be the quality of attention I would appreciate.
    The therapist I saw was unethical so likely they were just masturbation fodder to him but just supposing he was a decent therapist these women who flash the flesh-they are trying their best to entice the poor guy to break his code of conduct thats creepy self serving and in a way it insults his character.

  • Anne

    June 26th, 2014 at 2:17 PM

    I agree with you entirely. But I have known SOME women, as I said, who think they must expose flesh to get male attention, and so they do. I always figured when I was seeing my therapist for an anxiety neurosis he should not ask me, as I was recovering, to recall my first try at masturbation. I surmised that he was using me to excite himself, and refused to answer. I reminded him we were not there for sexual dysfuction. He backed off. And looking back, I shudder.

  • Fiona

    June 26th, 2014 at 3:23 PM

    My therapist asked me when I developed breasts I replied…

    “that has absolutely nothing to do with what Ive just said to you” he replied…

    “havent you heard of Bowlby’s theory of attachment breast feeding is very important”

    I though to myself this guy is crazy.

  • Wanda S.

    June 27th, 2014 at 2:03 PM

    … And now with the iPhone in your pocket you can record this snake when he asks you something like that again – call him on his office phone later (hopefully he’ll have you on speaker) and replay it for him! Don’t ever let him near your purse or phone, though – he’d destroy it then claim you did it yourself by becoming “combative,” “escalating,” or having some sort of manic episode.

    Once you are in therapy you lose all credibility. Nothing you say is believed because you are “crazy” (which is not true). It’s their word against yours, and even their own Boards and peers believe them.

  • Fiona

    June 27th, 2014 at 9:33 AM

    Narcissists are attracted to it because they love the asymmetrical power-imbalance.
    I have to agree- there are a large amount of inadequate people in the profession.
    Psychotherapy is an ideal arena for them to act out their immature power fantasies and re enact all their unresolved personal issues and with relative impunity.

  • Anne

    June 27th, 2014 at 9:55 AM

    Fiona, I never heard of Bowlby’s theory and it’s the same old flawed urge they seem to have; and that is to climb into every area of your personal history for their own amusement.
    Wanda, I am going to give the ever present use of hand sanitizers in all professions a pass…and give a wave to hand lotion, too. Neither are make-up applications.

  • Melissa C P.

    August 8th, 2014 at 2:35 PM

    Really? You haven’t heard of Bowlby? Sort of a really important guy. Especially today with attachment issues laying the foundation for many Cluster B issues that are growing in epic numbers. And Bowlby does not have a strong opinion about breast feeding, btw. As a matter of fact I don’t think he even discusses breast feeding as an issue in attachment. Because it’s not.

  • Anne

    June 27th, 2014 at 5:07 PM

    These incidents happened to us years ago, we are simply relating that we know now a lot more than we knew then.
    My therapist has been dead for 10 years, in fact.
    Fiona has already appealed to a neutral board.
    Our unhappy hindsight is a done deal, just sharing without trivializing what real damage can done when a therapist assumes too much power.

  • CM

    July 3rd, 2014 at 1:45 PM

    I’ve had a few bad therapists, it’s so difficult finding good ones. I wrote here before when I was on the fence about going back to a therapist I’d seen a year ago. I didn’t go back to see him. I didn’t see a therapist for a year afterwards, but then an incident made me extremely anxious and I decided to see one again. Though I’m still not sure. Where I live it’s hard to get the health care system to cover a therapist’s cost, so I feel like I’m spending loads on something that maybe just won’t help me. The best therapists I’ve had has also been the cheapest, but she moved away. The therapist I have now is pretty good at times, but during our last session I didn’t feel like we did anything at all, that she just didn’t feel like helping me that day, but it’s so much money to have someone ignore you for an hour, even if they’ve been helpful in the past.

  • Ashley

    July 8th, 2014 at 1:11 PM

    Good list. I would also say volunteering to take you home.

  • jen

    July 20th, 2014 at 11:06 PM

    I’d also add, “FALLS ASLEEP.”

  • Celine

    August 3rd, 2014 at 1:36 PM

    Jen, thank you for mentioning that one. I confronted my therapist about it once but she totally denied it. Very frustrating.

  • Anne

    July 21st, 2014 at 2:41 PM

    I’m more confused than ever now. I’ve written about ways my therapist was inappropriate, taking me out for coffee, showing up at my work place, buying me a Christmas gift, telling me he loved me, etc. Have just now written a sort of essay written by his grown daughter (she was a teen when I knew him) who has long since (she says) been treated for bi-polar disorder. She was a problem teen and I recall him saying she went to stay with her aunt because she refused to attend the local middle school. Be that as it may, she claims in her piece that her father, the psychologist, was “insane..likely bipolar”. My confusion is do bipolar sufferers just assign that to other people, or is it true? If so, would that be why he did things like tell me he was a spy in the Air Force at one time, and call me up about his counter transference, among other things I could never FIGURE OUT, and hence, thought I must be the crazy one!! Stranger and stranger. She says he’s one of the “ones who goes into it to understand himself”. AARGH.

  • CM

    July 22nd, 2014 at 1:05 AM

    Hi Anne! It seems that his daughter is definitely right about one thing, that he’s insane. I don’t know about sufferers assigning their bipolar disorder to other people, but they might actually be more spot on than most because they can recognize the symptoms more easily. Seeing as he was so bad with boundaries there was definitely something wrong with him. Many people do go into psychology because they have their own problems that they are trying to understand. Honestly, some of the most ignorant things I’ve ever heard someone say have been from a friend’s mother who is a psychiatrist. At the end of the day they are just people. I also know someone who I’m pretty sure was going through a manic phase for a month, and during that time he was awful about boundaries, and was constantly acting in his own self interest but with out being aware of it at all (or so it seemed to me). It seems like his daughter is on point.
    Again, I’m having some issues now, but they are not so bad in comparison! There’s a lot of benefits with the therapist I’m seeing, but I feel like they are judging my lifestyle choices, like not having a driver’s licence for one, and also some other stuff that I didn’t think was so bad? I am able to walk everywhere, i.e. to work, so I don’t think I should spend money on something I won’t use. Sometimes I try to explain why I find certain situations difficult to confront but they never let me give a full explanation, but I feel like it’s important for me to explain why I feel different in certain situations, especially when it comes to dealing with different people. I mean I really wanted to explain why a certain situation with a person was something I was trying to be tactful with because I genuinely didn’t understand it, and why I wasn’t just acting out of fear, but they cut me off. Maybe they just don’t want me to make excuses? They have been very helpful for some other stuff, it’s just maybe we’re not on the same page about lifestyle stuff, like the driving thing? Has anyone else experienced something like that?

  • Anne

    July 22nd, 2014 at 9:47 AM

    Hi CM, thanks so much for your viewpoint!
    When I began with this therapist, I was pretty much confined to my home with agoraphobia, had had to stop working, and suffered daily panic attacks. In a year, I was back working p/t, driving myself, going into stores and other crowded places and was blissfully happy with myself. During that year, he was never inappropriate in any way; and I gave him an A+ for his behavior modification skills. And nope, he never cut me off with any explanation or comment I wanted to make.

    But when I changed, perked up, dressed up, became involved in life again and happy, he changed, and all those things I listed happened. I was very flattered by his attentions but still thought they were ‘fatherly’. In hindsight, of course they weren’t. In fact, my co-worker told me, having seen him drop by the business,
    “that guy wants to sleep with you”. I blew that off as unbelievable. After all, he was a THERAPIST!

    Your therapist should BELIEVE you if you honestly don’t see a reason to drive, and can’t afford to anyway.

  • CM

    July 24th, 2014 at 12:10 PM

    Hi Anne, thanks for your view point too! I can relate in some ways to what you’re talking about. Recently I was volunteering as a literacy tutor, and my student was a man who was older than me. He seemed really friendly and nice so I really enjoyed teaching him, but then he started hitting on me. When he asked me out I turned him down, and he didn’t mention it for a while, and I thought it would be okay because there was no way he could be serious, he was married with kids and I was teaching him English! After a while he started hitting on me again while and it got weird. Like he told me he was dreaming of me and it turned out that he secretly recorded me talking on his phone, something that he accidentally revealed when he was on his phone looking through music. I stopped teaching him, and that was the incident that most recently made me go back into therapy, since it was pretty similar to a situation I had with a neighbour that freaked me out for nearly a year. It’s unfortunate, but I think that actually a lot of people don’t respect boundaries, even in situations where boundaries are socially and legally enforced. In fact, I think sometimes people use those enforced boundaries as a way to convince us that they’re not crossing lines when they are.
    I think I’m beginning to lose faith in therapists, even though I know there are some great ones. It’s just SO hit and miss. This therapist now was very helpful for my anxiety, but now I feel judged for my choices and priorities in life, like not driving or not aiming to get married with kids. They actually laughed at me at one point when I was trying to explain how I felt about all of that and why that’s just not a goal for me. I’m just trying out where I can do something I like in this economy, and I think I have found a path that will work for me already. They suggested a career that I literally am incapable of doing, that in fact most people are incapable of doing, and when I tried to explain that I don’t have the skill set for that kind of job they seemed to think I was making up excuses. If the next session doesn’t go well I think I’ll stop. I think I’m better off just reading The Power of Now on a regular basis instead of paying ridiculous amounts of money for inconsistent therapy.

  • Anne

    July 25th, 2014 at 2:30 PM

    CM: I am sure that along with the rest of the world that I have trouble wrapping my mind around a therapy session where you are having to explain how you don’t have the qualifications for that neurosurgeon (or whatever) job opening; and the therapist is giving the impression (or maybe saying) “Oh, just an excuse!” No logic going on with that response, is there?
    Mary, thanks so much, you are right about information about about boundary violations; I don’t recall being given any at all. And certainly none of us are going to ask a prospective therapist if he’s ever been diagnosed with a mental disorder! Someone who can’t leave their house without a panic attack doesn’t think in those terms anyway. Before this psychologist I was seeing a psychiatrist who gave me calming drug scripts and did’t help me much at all; but was as proper as a suit stuffed and propped up in a chair. I thought the psychologist was much of an improvement; he had rolled up shirt sleeves, his feet on the desk and lit up a cigarette. You hit it perfectly tho; I felt so grateful for having been helped and then so bad about being disrespected later on. Conflicted in what I should rightfully feel.

  • Someone

    July 26th, 2014 at 7:48 AM

    I was curious as to whether there was a personal story behind Comment #4 above, regarding the qualifications of counsellors.

    I do not have a degree, my professional training was from an unaccredited institution and various workshops. I have recently applied to a part-time degree programme, but more for my own continuing professional development than because I need it to practice.

    HOWEVER, and this is the important bit, I have over 20 years’ practical experience and am able to get results. Perhaps your correspondent believes that I should nevertheless be shut down and should go and get a McJob instead of helping people.

  • Geneva

    July 26th, 2014 at 1:45 PM

    Have you ever thought about including a little bit more than just your articles? I mean, what you say is fundamental and everything. However imagine if you added some great images or video clips to give your posts more, “pop”! Your content is excellent but with pics and videos, this site could definitely be one of the most beneficial in its field. Very good blog!

  • CM

    July 26th, 2014 at 8:48 PM

    Anne, thanks, I’m just wondering if I took it the wrong way, I mean they did have good points as well, and I hope they were coming from a place of genuine concern in wanting me to do more in life, it’s just that’s not why I’m there, so hopefully I can get things more focused on my mental health again. It did just leave me feeling very confused though.
    That conflicted feeling is something that is really common for people who have been through similar things as you. I think it’s important to take into account that while he helped you in the beginning, you also helped yourself! A lot! You were the one suffering and working to overcome that, so really he just gave you the information you needed, and you did the really hard work yourself.

  • Christian

    July 27th, 2014 at 4:47 PM

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  • Anne

    July 28th, 2014 at 4:25 PM

    CM: Hopefully the therapist does have your best interests at heart; that’s what we are all looking for anyway.
    I do give credit to myself for working hard and using the tools; and to be honest, every time I tried to give him credit, he insisted it was my work and refused to accept credit.

  • Me

    August 2nd, 2014 at 9:07 PM

    I complained about a therapist I had because she continually talked about herself; her children were artists, they went to CUNY, her family was wealthy, her mother-in-law was bossy, she and her husband were having problems and she found someone new. But when she suggested I look for a new field. I’m an artist who has some success selling my artwork at an outsider art gallery. I stressed several times I was looking for help breaking through a creative block. I couldn’t take it any more, reporting her to the facility that I was sick of hearing her talk about herself and her opinions, the assigned me another therapist. I complained in detail to him about her incessant habit of talking about herself; a few sessions in, he asked me if I had accepted the lord almighty in my life. I should have run out of the room screaming, but was too tired. It caught me off guard. Nothing against people’s religious beliefs, but really, it’s out of place. He had his artwork hanging in his tiny office, which barely fit him and his desk; when I entered the room, his back greeted me, his desk faced the window. When he started talking about his art-related experiences, I expressed concern, I was tired of hearing about therapists’ lives. He ignored me. One day he started talking about how he was experiencing more success than he ever had with his commercial art. I said, I didn’t see how that related to my problems. He said he was being a source of inspiration, I disagreed. The psychiatrist suggested I show him the first ten pages of the screenplay I was working on. Before he read them we agreed that a critique was a bad idea, I was simply sharing my work. After he read the ten pages, he commented on the occasional “bad language.” He said he didn’t see the significance of a sequence of scenes. He then told me his son died that year, and he was writing a memoir. I was dismayed by everything he said, replying since he was obviously a religious person, who (as he told me in a previous session) wanted to only see “beautiful” things in art and film, he had a narrow view of things he approved of, and we had agreed he wouldn’t critique my work. When I came back the next session he apologized for making negative comments. I said okay, then he said, right after apologising, “It’s too dark,” referring to my screenplay. I couldn’t believe it. I said he was jealous, and that’s why he was making so many negative comments. He called to apologise, he said he told me about his son’s death to prove he knew how difficult it was to write. And that he had a tough session with a patient living on Wards Island, which is why he made so many negative comments. I said I don’t find it difficult to write, and as tragic as it was that his son had died, I felt he told me, so I’d feel sorry for him. I am having such a hard time finding a good therapist who accepts medicare (I have SSD) but, I am not returning to see him, and the facility is busy covering their derrieres, saying they don’t see what the big deal is, but it’s too much, I think he’s unfit to be a therapist, as was the first therapist I had.

  • Jason

    August 4th, 2014 at 7:51 AM

    So here is my situation….my 8 year old son just started seeing a therapist for suppsoed anxiety issues. The problem is his mom and I are divorced and I live over 10 hours away. My ex wife is seeking sole custody….mainly because she is the one with psychological issues but thats another story. The therapist that my son has seen, twice as of today, will not speak with me over the phone and told me she would only speak to me in person and knows I live a long distance away. However, I drove there for unrelated matters and attempted to contact the therapist while in town. She refused to call me back. I even had a mutual aquaintance reach out to her and she still refused to call me back. I have requested the notes from my child’s visits since I have joint custody and am his biological father and she wont release the notes without a subpoena. Am I wrong in thinking that she is being biased? Does anyone have suggestions on what I can do? I fear she is going to write up a report that benefits my ex wife and not even speak to me as to what I see and hear concerning my son when he visits me.

  • Melissa C P.

    August 8th, 2014 at 2:28 PM

    This is unprofessional conduct, at best. She can not properly gain the necessary insight to treat your child without speaking to both parents. This will also be inadmissable in court. Report her. Here is a sample letter and where to report her: deltabravo.net/cms/plugins/content/content.php?content.149

  • Laura, LMHC

    August 20th, 2014 at 8:41 PM

    Hi Jason,

    It seems you are feeling frustrated with this whole situation. I would advice you to make an appointment with his therapist. Depending on where she works, policies and regulations can be reasons that she is unable to disclose information over the phone. This information is confidential and she may need you to sign consent forms to confirm your identity. Also, most agencies do not allow a copy of notes unless they are mandated by a judge. I am a LMHC and work in a similar setting. She is protecting your child’s information. She is also looking to see how invested you are in your childs treatment. If you want to avoid, evaluations stating that you are not an appropriate guardian or that you are not avaable then I suggest you call the therapist, schedule an appointment and plan your trip. Good luck!

  • Anne

    August 4th, 2014 at 2:08 PM

    I’m not sure but since she is a therapist hired by your wife, wouldn’t it make sense that she is not obligated to share with you even if you do have joint custody. Not sure how you could share custody if you live 10 hours away either.

    Therapists are supposed to be ‘biased’ in the best interests of their clients. You can subpoena her records; but how that will appear to a family court judge is to be considered.

  • Melissa C P.

    August 8th, 2014 at 2:24 PM

    This is incorrect a therapist is not supposed to biased to their clients. The therapist should first do no harm. The therapist is also required to do their due diligence. If someone (a parent or child) is on the cluster b personality disorder spectrum the therapist is obliged to recognize this to properly treat the client. This requires interviewing both parents, if it is a child.

  • Mark

    August 8th, 2014 at 1:36 AM

    I used to work with a business associate who has an MA in psychology. She herself is bipolar, and has been since she was a youth.

    One day I got to talking to her about her psychology major and she said that she pursued the field of psychology because she wanted to understand her mental afflictions better.

    She also said that many psychology majors are afflicted with some sort of psychiatric condition! And studying psychology helped them better understand their “abnormalities.”

    My sister’s oldest son, who is 17 now, has been seeing counselors, psychologists and psychiatrists since he was 13. My sister has become very frustrated with some of these therapists over the years.

    One of the therapists, a psychologist, was downright creepy and perverted with some of the provocative questions he was asking.

    Another therapist, a psychologist, told my nephew to make loud clicking sounds with his tongue, or to say words loudly and spontaneously that have an “ak” sound to them. This was supposed to help with depression????! And he also suggested eating crunchy foods like nuts as this was supposed to have a stimulating effect on the brain???!!! How about just saying you’re a quack! That’s what this doc surely was.

    Another therapist, a counselor, couldn’t understand why my nephew didn’t have a guitar. This therapist was stressing the importance of how playing the guitar was beneficial for healing depression! LOL! How about the fact that my nephew doesn’t have any interest whatsoever in playing the guitar!

    My poor nephew has been on more psychiatric meds in his short time on this earth than any prescription meds that I ever took in my 51 years.

    Have these drugs helped his depression and anxiety? I would say NO! He’s in a zombie state of being every time that I’ve seen him over the years.

    He seemed like a whole person before starting the drug cocktails that he’s been administered.

    My sister say’s that he sleeps so much now. And when he’s “up and around” he’s moody and groggy. The doc say’s that’s how anti anxiety are supposed to work.

    My sister is concerned about the drug’s safety, and the doc always “assures” her that the drugs are perfectly safe and not to worry.

    I am very concerned. Doctors aren’t fail safe. They DO make mistakes. Sometimes fatal ones!

  • Theresnoexcuse

    August 17th, 2014 at 2:12 AM

    Mark, I think you nailed it with this part:

    [Another therapist, a psychologist, told my nephew to make loud clicking sounds with his tongue, or to say words loudly and spontaneously that have an “ak” sound to them…to help with depression???..How about just saying you’re a quack! ]

    Qu”ak”

  • Laura, LMHC

    August 20th, 2014 at 8:31 PM

    Hi,

    I would discuss your concerns about medication with a pharmacist. They tend to have far more knowledge in this area than PCP’s and psychotherapist. Good luck!

  • theresnoexcuse

    August 25th, 2014 at 4:08 PM

    pharmanewsonline.com/pharmacists-are-lazy/

  • Anne

    August 9th, 2014 at 3:50 AM

    Melissa; You’ve validated our opinions,but if you review the conversation above, the point was not “Bowlby” or his unimportance (such as it might be); it was rather about therapists asking inappropriate questions having nothing to do with the reason their services were sought. I’ve not been in therapy in over 20 years, but recall inappropriate questions which I felt were to stimulate the therapist at my expense. The idea that would be spending my money to discuss Bowlby or clusters would be absurd.

    I believe I said therapists are supposed to be “Biased” in the best interests of THEIR clients.
    If not, then whose? If he chooses to put his family’s future in the hands of a family court judge, he’d better hope they are having a good day; because his conduct and decisions will be severely dissected, so putting thought in how one wants to present oneself as to their considerations for other family members would be advisable. He needs to refocus his attention from reporting anybody to how to share custody from 10 hours away. Blustering will not set well.

  • Fiona

    August 11th, 2014 at 3:44 PM

    When he said “havent you heard of Bowlbys theory of attachment? breastfeeding is very important”

    A warning voice in my head said,..’this guy is crazy’

  • Laura, LMHC

    August 20th, 2014 at 8:26 PM

    Great intuition!

  • Chris60

    August 13th, 2014 at 12:00 AM

    Clients enter a therapist’s office with little to no idea of who this stranger is and an expectation that this person can help them to feel better or learn more about themselves. The power imbalance is enormous, and many unscrupulous people prey upon the vulnerable and profit from the process. for some reason many therapists are reluctant to accept that they made mistakes that compromised the well-being of a client or patient, and may have been a repeat of the very problem that the patient hopes to avoid. If the person treating you appears less healthy or aware than yourself it is a sign to scram. Otherwise you are paying to be exploited, neglected or abused – all of which repeat the situation that had you entering therapy in the first place. Counter-transference can be mistaken projection, or justified dislike for someone who is mistreating you. The most needy patients can be most vulnerable to exploitation as they have no idea of what to expect from other people and have grown used to accommodating and accepting unacceptable role reversals, false assumptions and accusations, and bad treatment. Therapy is a relationship and some therapists have poor social and listening skills and treat their clients shabbily. If your therapist ignores a reasonable request, finds it amusing to belittle you, claims to know you better than you do, or suggests unhealthy or dubious treatments or arrangements, trust your gut and wait for a better fit. Good therapy should help you to manage overwhelming feelings and situations and not make you feel interminably worse or too dependent on your therapist to meet your needs. A good therapist is a good person who is skilled to help their client. A bad therapist is often unethical, self-serving and self-absorbed. Most of us have blind spots, and therapists are only people. Ultimately, it is up to you to change rather than remain stuck in a bad situation or ongoing pain. If your therapist appears to string you along with little improvement either you are failing to listen to their advice or you are being scammed. A good therapist refers you on rather than pretend that they can help you when they can’t. Sometimes therapists dislike clients and cannot work well with them for whatever reason. Referral is a kinder option than keeping someone you can’t or won’t help.

  • joe

    August 13th, 2014 at 5:40 PM

    What can I do if I was wrongly described in an assessment?

  • Allyson W. C.

    August 15th, 2014 at 5:55 AM

    Resubmit the entire assessment as a correction to the previous one.

  • Kel

    August 14th, 2014 at 1:18 AM

    I stopped seeing my counselor about two months ago, she was very kind, but I didn’t feel like she had enough life experience to help. She’s about 20 years younger than me. I felt as though she was treating me like a child, whenever I made a negative comment about myself, she would lean over her desk and slap the back of her own hand and tell me to stop that. I wasn’t allowed to use certain words in her presence, like “should or shouldn’t” whenever I did, she would say “don’t should on me” It was really quite childish in my mind. I know I need to find another therapist, but I don’t want to go through all of the “getting to know you stage all over again”. I have gone through that early stage of counseling twice in the past year. The first therapist I had was wonderful, but due to a family situation, she moved out of the area. I must confess, I have a hard time getting out the door to even go see a therapist, my anxiety builds up days before I have to go. However, I feel that way whenever I know I need to leave my house. Even if it’s for something fun, like going out on a date with my husband, I often back out last minute. I know I need help, but I’m struggling to get started with another therapist. HELP!

  • Laura

    August 20th, 2014 at 8:22 PM

    Kel,
    It sounds like you have had a difficult time seeking the appropriate assistance for your condition. I understand that you had a negative experience with your previous therapist but I encourage you to find someone that fits your needs. Therapy can be very helpful when you find someone who allows you to express yourself in whatever manner you feel and can assist you in setting realistic goals for yourself. I am a LMHC and have been working with clients with various conditions for several years now. Most of my clients seem very pleased with our work together and have made significant progress in their treatment. It may take longer for some than others but overall, it can be very beneficial. I hope you find the help you are seeking and know that the power to change is within you. Good luck!

  • S.S.

    August 16th, 2014 at 1:29 AM

    I find I no longer trust my LMHC an this definitely confirms it. Thank you person(s) who made this.

  • JW

    August 18th, 2014 at 1:17 PM

    My husband and I began seeing a marriage counselor a few weeks ago. Our marriage is in shambles, and my husband moved out a month ago. Since we began therapy, things have gotten worse. I’m beginning to really question the therapists recommendations. The first two sessions we went together, and then the therapist suggested that we begin to go separately. We’ve been to two separate sessions, and there still hasn’t been a couples session scheduled. The therapist told us both to not communicate with each other, and we haven’t, for the past three weeks. I did however, speak to my husband last night because he called me. The conversation didn’t go well, and he told me that our therapist told him that I need to grow up, and that my husband needs to be selfish, and focus on himself, since he feels that during much of our relationship, the focus has been on my wants and needs, and not necessarily my husbands. I can say with conviction that the relationship at times was focused around me, and I was selfish, and that is something that I’m working on today. However, I’m having a hard time understanding how a marriage counselor is purposely telling a couple who is there to work on their marriage, to not communicate for three weeks, and tells my husband that I need to grow up, and he needs to be selfish. This just doesn’t sound right.

  • Anne

    August 19th, 2014 at 7:14 AM

    If you’d stuck with the directive of not calling each other; you’d be in better shape. Isn’t it obvious now why that directive was given? It’s temporary and has a purpose.
    Sometimes people don’t want to hear the truth; and if so, no point in paying a therapist who tells it.

  • Pat

    August 23rd, 2014 at 12:17 PM

    I was seeing a therapist for marriage counseling. Unfortunately my husband no longer wanted therapy and eventually got divorced. My son became very anxious every time he would visit his father. After many talks with his teacher and counselor we were able to find the reason he was reacting this way. His father was seeing my marriage counselor. Not for therapy but in a courtship relationship.

  • Katya

    August 24th, 2014 at 1:53 PM

    I’ve seen 2 psychologists, one before I became a therapist myself, and one after. The first I was referred to with my then husband whom I had just separated from under the pretense of it being divorce and co-parenting counseling. First session, the psychologist said before we had even discussed anything, “my bias is that married couples who have children should stay together no matter what the circumstance, so I want you (directed at me) to agree to no less than 6 sessions of marriage counseling to work on reconciliation”. I didn’t like the idea, but didn’t have the experience or self-assurance at that point to walk out. I reluctantly agreed while also seeking individual counseling to make sure my decision to end the marriage was the right thing for me to do. During our 4th session, I told the psychologist and my now-ex that I had decided to go through with the divorce. My now-ex began ranting and raving and the psychologist told him to go home and spoke to me alone for the duration of the session. When I left my now-ex was waiting and making vague suicidal threats. I called the psychologist and told him and he said there was nothing for him to do. Police had the same reaction. The ex insisted on following me home “to say goodbye to our son” and wandered around the house aimlessly until I had his aunt pick him up. Occurred to me to check the guns (he had insisted that we each needed to have one against my better judgement) and found that mine was missing. Called his aunt to look for the gun, which she found along with 3 bullets. I called the psychologist again who refused to take any action. The now-ex admitted 2 days later he had been planning on killing himself, and had just grabbed “a handful of bullets” so denied having plans to kill me and/or our son. Met with the psychologist 1 week after the incident, and he immediately stated, “ok, so, I think it’s time that (the now-ex) starts taking (our son) for weekend visitation (child was 5 months old and had never seen his father unsupervised to that point, and was our only child, so he had no experience care taking for an infant). I shook my head and said to the psychologist, “do you really, truly, believe, that, after only a week ago, a man who admits to having been suicidal yet received no treatment, and may have been homicidal as well is fit to watch a 5 month old child for 72 hours with no supervision?” He said, “absolutely, look at him, he’s fine now”. I stood up and said, “you are stark raving mad, I’m finished here!” And walked out.

    The second incident was with a female psychologist who at first seemed wonderful. I was seeing her shortly after my second marriage to try to work through some past sexual trauma which was affecting my marriage. She seemed to avoid addressing the trauma in session, however. One session I discussed with her how pushy my husband (now second-ex) was about sex, and how he used a lot of vulgarities that triggered me and ultimately turned me off from feeling at all sexual toward him. Her response to me was, “Well, you are married to him, and as his wife, it is your obligation to please him whenever he wants it, so I suggest you just grin and bear it and pretend you’re having a good time.” I was so shocked, I asked her to please repeat what she had just said! When she confirmed that what I heard was indeed what she said, I once again had to stand up and speak my mind….letting her know that obviously she knows absolutely nothing about sexual trauma and PTSD, and irregardless of that fact, that we are not living in the 1950’s where the woman’s role is to shut up and please her husband!” Walked out and never turned back.

    I have had many good and a couple of excellent therapists along the way. Many of the techniques that I now emply with my clients were gained from observing the techniques that many of these really phenomenal therapists employed. There are good ones out there. I am up front with my new clients that our work is THEIR therapy. I encourage them to please be open with me if I come up with a suggestion, modality, or idea that doesn’t fit for them, and put it in the context that a therapist is always growing and learning, and we aren’t always perfect, and their viewpoints about what we offer to them are extremely important for us to know, both in learning more about their needs, but also in monitoring ourselves, identifying our own weaknesses, and increasing our skills. I also tell them that not every therapist is a “good fit” for every client. I let them know that if after 2 or 3 sessions with me, they feel that it isn’t a good match or if they feel something isn’t quite right in their gut, to listen to that, and that I in no way take it personally if they choose to find a different therapist. I do discuss boundaries during the first session and make sure that not only are those detailed in a written informed consent that they are given a copy of, but that those boundaries are also discussed verbally. As far as self-disclosure, I am open with clients, if asked, about some of my own struggles with mental health issues, the fact that I do go to therapy myself as it helps me keep my own stuff in check so I can be fully present for them. The general consensus I get from clients who I’ve discussed this with is largely positive, particularly as most have had experiences with therapists who acted as if they were better than the client or judgemental and gave clients the impression that they were perfect in some way. My belief is that self-disclosure, when used sparingly and with a therapeutic purpose in mind, can be very helpful. As for the example above, it makes me seem like “a real person” rather than someone who has never experienced any hardship and is using book learning as their sole means of providing therapy. In cases where I perceive such self-disclosure as being therapeutically beneficial, I find rapport is established very quickly, and the clients seem to feel that they can be more honest and real.

  • Lottie

    August 27th, 2014 at 1:09 PM

    Some really valuable information on bad therapy here! It’s such an important thing and you should be able to notice the signs of bad therapy as mentioned in the article.

  • sandra

    August 28th, 2014 at 11:37 AM

    Councellor makes presumptions about what to fix based on who you are/your idendity rather than your actual problem :(

    I am on Autism Spectrum but what I am NEEDING therapy for is not that (the out of the box thinking is good for my grades!) but sucidialness and depression and no matter how many times I repreat it, all advice I am told to do is force myself to look into people’s eyes so I can “read emotions” and understand emtions better. I find it downright presumptuous, and extremely unhelpful.

  • Jackie

    August 29th, 2014 at 1:24 PM

    All in all i am very happy with my psychologist, there is just one thing which bothers me a bit: at the beginning of the treatment i told her about self harm and gave her some papers which I recived earlier where I written about the Hows and Whys of my self harming. But she didnt address the topic since then (I am in therapy since about Four weeks).. I thought she might said Sth useful about it, but nothing. I havent self harm since the beginning of therapy, so there isnt a severe need to adress the topic, but i just feel a Little bit ignored…. I am also sure if i would bring the topic up she wouldnt mind it, its just strange that she didnt say anything by herself. What do you guys think about it?

  • Anne

    August 30th, 2014 at 5:57 AM

    Since you haven’t told us what you have addressed in the first four weeks, or how serious those issues were, how can we find it strange? Four weeks, btw, is not very long in therapy terms. It’s your health in therapy, and waiting for a therapist to bring up a subject is not wise, if you are anxious to bring it up. Then DO!!

  • Jackie

    August 30th, 2014 at 10:54 AM

    The self harm issues werent that severe, “only” Some fingernail scratching. I went there for social issues in the First place. The self injury was only a beside- fact. And you are right, i maybe should just bite the bullet and talk about it… :)

  • Keisha

    September 4th, 2014 at 8:12 PM

    My daughter (who is 4) has behaviour problems and anxiety. On a visit to her therapist she started screaming because she didn’t want to sit down, be weighed, or basically be touched at all. A woman, one of the other therapists, comes out takes our seats and puts them outside. We were then told to sit outside. When our therapist “Robbie” comes to meet us instead of taking us back inside proceeded to conduct the appointment outside in front of the building. We are currently looking for another place to go.

  • clientswife

    September 4th, 2014 at 11:00 PM

    @ Anne
    I’m glad you “give a hand wave” at a therapist who lotions up while a clients wife is in tears, but if you read my entire post you would know she also applied lipstick and was flirty with my husband to a point where he was made to feel uncomfortable as well. She was completely unprofessional and since I was the one in the room I would know firsthand if she was grooming herself, which indeed she was. A therapist can be female and take advantage of a male just the same if it were a male therapist flirting with a female. Trivializing her actions struck me wrong.
    @ Wanda Thank you for your validation, and yes my family is so much better now without her.

  • Anne

    September 5th, 2014 at 12:26 PM

    Wife, are you truly glad? FYI, I give hand cleaners a wave also. When I read your post, I paid MUCH more attention to your dissatisfaction that the therapist did not nail your husband with blame, and even broached the idea that you might have ownership in the issues. You do not have to justify leaving a therapist for whatever reason you decide is relevant; but trivial dramatics usually strike me as diversionary.

  • Grace

    September 10th, 2014 at 5:37 PM

    Hi
    Yesterday I saw a new therapist for the first time. I do have another therapist that I have been seeing for nearly 4yrs- but my partner suggested I try “something new” as he fears I may have stalled.

    I made the appointment throught their website and via email. After making the appointment- I recieved 2 emails to other clients confirming their appointments, that were not for me. I thought this was highly unprofessional, told them of the mistake and deleted the emails.

    I have been suffering from alot of different mood and anxiety disorders for over 10yrs.
    The therapist first told me to get my thyroid tested (understandable) but I have had it checked over the last 3 weeks (I am on a bit of medication and so have to regularly get blood tests)- I told her there were no problems..but she insisted I get it checked again.
    Other than that the session went fine.
    It’s the after events that got to me:
    – via my initial emails I was told I would be able to claim the money back under my healthcare system. Yet on paying I was informed that no, that was not the case. I begrudgingly accepted that money was gone.

    – I proceeded to ask where the toilet was. As I was finishing up and washing my hands I could hear two women talking.
    The talk went along the lines “I dont understand why she would see me if she has another psychologist, its an idiotic thing to do…”and now she wants to claim that money back…”
    I walked out of the toilet and low and behold it was the therapist making a cup of tea whilst casually talking to the 18-something receptionist.

    On seeing me, they instantly stopped talking and walked back into the practice.
    This whole conversation had also taken place near a queue of people waiting for the elevator…

    Needless to say I was angry, but as I am a socially anxious person I didnt confront them and just walked straight home.

    This is an ovbious violation of my presumed confidentiality that I was told of prior to the session (a form that I signed and have a copy of). It is also weighing on my mind and causing me some stress , anger and anxiety.

    My reason for posting on this forum is to get some advice:

    Do I send a complaint via email to the practice? (The issue here is that the email will be sent to the secretary to be forwarded onto the leading therapist…will she even forward it?)

    Or do I return to the practice and make a complaint? (A hard approach but maybe the best, with a further option of returning with my mother)

    Or further- return to my current therapist and ask for advice there.

    Overall my 10yr experience with the mental health system has been quite professional… but this was extremely unprofessional.

  • Pete

    September 10th, 2014 at 9:17 PM

    When going to a Ph.D. therapist, is it ethical for them to push you to tell them more information than you are obviously comfortable telling? I went to therapy because someone in my family recently sexually abused a minor. All second hand information. I was trying to keep that general, so that I could clear up my issues surrounding that incidence. Before talking, the therapist would not answer my hypothetical question as to whether or not he would be obligated to report if I were to tell him second hand information. After a certain amount of time passed while I was talking, he told me I had given him enough information that he was mandated to report and that I needed to give him details, less I become an accessory to the sexual abuse, and all the children would be taken by child protection if I did not give him more details of the abuse. Now he is saying he doesn’t know if he is required to report or not. But originally he told me he was obligated with the little information I gave him, and then said if I did not tell him more, it would be very bad for the other children in the minor’s home. He said the police and child protective services would come, interrogate all of them and take all the children at gun point if I did not tell him.

  • Edwina

    September 11th, 2014 at 2:26 PM

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    Keep up the great writing.

  • CM

    September 12th, 2014 at 2:05 PM

    Hi Pete, I think you need another opinion on this, could you ask your therapist to discuss it with one of his colleagues? Was the person in your family reported to the police at all? If you know that this person has abused a child and you have not reported it, and no one else has reported it, I do believe that you could be charged in some way.

  • CM

    September 12th, 2014 at 4:39 PM

    Grace, I do believe you can also send a complaint to a board of psychologists or a college of psychologists, which ever is in your area/state/province. That therapist sounds like a terrible person, I’m really sorry that happened to you, and what she did is definitely an ethical violation.
    I’m looking into doing this also but I’m not entirely sure how to go about it either, or if I even should. For me it was not a violation of confidentiality or ethical violations but rather the behaviour of my therapist, things she said, her attitude towards me. I was seeing this therapist because I was having bad anxiety, something I have had almost my entire life. The last therapist I had seen regularly who was great had moved, and after I tried two others who weren’t great fits for me. At first she was very helpful for my anxiety, and I was really optimistic about how our sessions were going. That deteriorated after about 5 sessions. In one session we discussed possible job opportunities because the job I had lined up was very part time and we both agreed it would be good for me to be a bit busier and have more structure. For me looking for another job was a short term thing, and once I found another job that was a great fit for me I didn’t think I needed to talk about that aspect of my life anymore. I wanted to talk about my anxiety again, but my therapist stopped taking my anxiety seriously. She would end up steering the conversation back to what I wanted in life, back to future goals, and would regularly question why I was not a ‘high achiever’ like my parents. She interrupted me a lot, to the point that I could never be able to explain my side of situations. She asked why I was single and not looking for a partner, why I didn’t have my own apartment or house, why I was not aiming higher, why I don’t drive (I have no need too, everything is within walking distance for me, plus not driving is better for the environment). She said we were talking about this because I deserve all those things, but I don’t believe I need those things to be happy, and they have nothing to do with my anxiety! It felt like she was pushing her belief system of how life should be onto me. She really wanted me to pursue a high status career and told me because I like animals I should be a vet, but there is no way I can do that, I just don’t have the skills to be a vet, and when I tried to explain that she brushed me off insinuating I was making excuses. She laughed at me as well when I told her I wasn’t planing on having children, claiming that my opinion was invalid because I’m too young to know that. I explained to her that i don’t want to have biological children partly because I would never want to risk passing on my anxiety and depression to a child, and she responded by telling me that I’m ‘a racehorse’ and that I just need to be busier and my anxiety will go away.
    While this is already bad it’s not something I would consider reporting. What I do consider worthy of reporting is how she placed the responsibility of those who did not respect my boundaries onto me. This was actually the trigger for me returning to therapy. She also considered my fears surrounding those people to be irrational. For example 3 years ago I had a man flash me with his face covered from an apartment window across the street of where I live. I went to the police about it and they took it really seriously, which was great. A couple weeks later a man walked past me who looked to have the same exact build as the flasher. He walked up and down the sidewalk just staring non stop at me. Pretty creepy I think! Anyway I had anxiety from then on from the incident. A year later I thought it would be nice to get to know my neighbour, as my dad seemed to already know him quite well, he seemed to be a bit of a hippy, and I’d been back home after uni for about a year without meeting any new people. The neighbour was 45 at the time and I was 23, and when we were out at a tennis match he claimed we were on a date. When I corrected him to say we were not on a date he got angry, and asked me intrusive questions, and told me many things about himself I did not care to know. After that he stared at me from his house any chance he had. Sometimes we could hear him would screaming. He wasn’t screaming at me, but it was pretty obvious he was unstable, and all of that also gave me anxiety. So then this year I was teaching english as part of a volunteer group to a man who was also older. He ended up hitting on me so I stopped tutoring him, and this also gave me anxiety, which I believe was related to the anxiety that was a result of the two earlier events. During the last session with my therapist I was explaining that while I used to have anxiety only in terms of being a hypochondriac I now I have anxiety related to those experiences with men. She did not take that anxiety seriously, she described it as being irrational and she did not let me discuss it. She also placed the blame of my neighbour and student’s behaviour on me by telling me that since I’m a nice and open person people aren’t going to know what my boundaries are, and when I pull back from their behaviour they’ll understandably be angry. She told me that people aren’t mind readers so how are they supposed to know they’re violating my boundaries, which is why I need to assert boundaries, however she never explained to me how to assert boundaries, nor did she tell me she we would work on them in the future. She also told me that as a young women I can’t talk to men with out them assuming I am interested in them. After she said all of this she through in the line ‘most people are good people’, and I got this impression she only told me this to enforce the idea that my anxiety was irrational. This is what I believe is worth reporting, because I see what she said as victim blaming, and I worry that someone who has been assaulted and abused will seek out therapy with this woman and will receive the same reaction from her, and this could do serious damage to their emotional and mental health. Thankfully I know that the behaviour of these men was not my fault, but there are a lot of people who have dealt with similar circumstances and worse who blame themselves and who are also blamed by the people around them, and I really do not think that a therapist should also be engaging in victim blaming when they should know better. I mean what is the point of having a PhD and all of that training when you’re just going to perpetuate the same unfair and irrational belief systems that marginalize people who have been abused? However, because I don’t think this is a glaring ethical misconduct I don’t know if reporting will do anything. Does anyone know about reporting stuff like this? This is such a long post though, so bless you if you’ve read all of it! lol

  • Anne

    September 14th, 2014 at 1:27 PM

    CM: I remember the issues with “get a car, a more elitist job, etc”, but don’t see if you are still seeing this therapist now. I cannot see reporting a therapist that one is still seeing. It’s like women who want help with domestic abuse but are turned down at shelters because they are still living with their abusers.

  • CM

    September 15th, 2014 at 3:08 PM

    Hi Anne. I’m not seeing her anymore, I haven’t seen her for a while. Still, I don’t think you can report a therapist for their opinions. I might write her an email explaining how I feel about what she told me though.

  • Anne

    September 20th, 2014 at 5:01 AM

    Hello CM: Good luck, and email should be Okay, but I don’t know if she will defend her stance or just ignore it but I wouldn’t expect a retraction. Remember I called my ex-therapist and reminded him about his having said inappropriate things to me and he simply said “Why, I didn’t say that”. Pathetic for someone whose field watchword is truth–like a game of “Therapist makes YOU wonder if YOU are crazy” all to save his false dignity.

  • CM

    September 22nd, 2014 at 6:56 AM

    That’s awful that your therapist gaslighted you like that, sounds like such a manipulative person. Good for you for being able to confront him, but yeah, from what you’ve written that therapist sounded so crazy.
    I don’t expect a good response from her. Towards the end she really seemed to enjoy being in charge and telling me what to do and what was wrong and what wasn’t. To be honest I wonder if the way I am, more non conformist and not worried about success, triggered something in her that made her really insecure, or if she’s like that with everyone. It would be great for there to be a forum where you could talk with people who have the same therapist, that could be a great way to prevent therapist abuse and malpractice imo.

  • Stan

    September 22nd, 2014 at 8:06 PM

    BEWARE of Dr Keebler!!! He doesn’t like to lose a single patient. He want you to get flu shots and if you try iodine he is…against it! If he recognize that you will not comeback ever he ask you to lie down massage your belly and suddenly go right down and push hard and you fill sharp pain and after few days you like I did develop hernia!!! It is very hard to believe it. When I look him at that moment he had fear in his eyes…he new I recognized that he did hurt me. This doctor is not a human being any more…he is THE BEAST!!!

  • Anne

    September 23rd, 2014 at 11:58 AM

    CM—Therapists don’t even seem to like their patients to SEE one another, and have a separate exit so you don’t see anyone who is waiting. I am sure none would favor their patients getting together for a chat.

    Stan, you are correct; it was very hard to believe it.

  • Private please

    September 27th, 2014 at 10:59 PM

    CM – I hope you do find success at reporting it. I’d suggest including ALL of it. It is ALL over the top. At least with a report in their record, it helps the next person, even if it doesn’t go further than a report.

    As for having kids, I hope you find help your issues. Maybe – consider this? You have a lot of compassion and warmth and intelligence and instinct. Those are worth so very much in this world, and a child with those passed on has gotten a lot more than would be negated by depression and axiety. I don’t know you and I certainly wouldn’t presume to know what’s best for you! I just want to you to look at the positives in what you’ve written and realize how positive they can look to someone else.

    As for the therapist — she’s wrong in so many ways, it’s hard to count. She shouldn’t be in therapy work — she’s dangerous.

  • Anne

    September 29th, 2014 at 2:12 PM

    CM: I don’t see a decision not to have children as an “issue” that needs any theraputic intervention. In days gone by, women were judged on that; as if choosing not to parent were some failing they needed to “overcome”.
    Not so, currently most people, altho not all unfortunately, are open to the concept that not everyone wants to be a parent, or even a spouse. Now that I am older, and chose to have only child who is grown now, I freely say I do not enjoy small children at all, and am not suited to them. So be it.

  • Mcairlyn

    October 1st, 2014 at 8:27 PM

    I know someone who is a therapist. I believe she is questioning some of my diagnosis, and is talking to others about this, such as my church leaders and friends. Is this legal?

  • CM

    October 1st, 2014 at 10:27 PM

    Hi Private Please, thanks! Yes I plan to include all of it, and also I realized that there was a breach of confidentiality, so there’s that too. Through word of mouth I’ve now learned that a lot of people aren’t happy with that agency either. Thanks for your kind words. Passing on anxiety was only one of my reasons, my main reason for not having a child is actually the state of the world, especially climate change. Though I’m not against adoption at all or foster children, if I feel drawn to that when I’m older and financially stable.
    Anne, that’s so true. Strange how my therapist took that stance instead of just accepting it, but there were a lot of things she was off about anyway. She also questioned me on why I was single, and she was very fixated on being married with a child as being the ideal goals in life, along with a ‘successful’ career. It’s great that you can admit that about not liking small children. I feel like there are loads of people who feel the same but who don’t want to admit it in fear of seeming cold.

  • Salina

    October 11th, 2014 at 6:26 PM

    I was late to therapy last week… A pressing issue came up and I called my therapist and told him I would still like to come in for the remainder of time if possible and that I would be happy to pay for the full hour. I also stated if there was a possibility that the therapist could fit me in for a full hour despite my lateness that would be great, if not so be it… I would pay in full and take whatever the therapist was willing to give. When I got to therapy, the only thing my therapist seemed interested in talking about was “why I was late”. He told me that I needed to put myself first and that I needed to think about my behavior and that when I had “earned a full hour, he would reward me with a full hour”.
    My first response was …..WTF???? As I walked out of my 35 minute session. My therapist has always been very straightforward and honest with me in our past sessions..we have been meeting for an hour for a year and a half now each week give or take… And I have never seen such a display of dominance from him. He has always made me feel very safe and empowered. It’s one of the things I love about talking to him . I have two major issues…one is trust… I grew up in a circumstance of extreme manipulation and deceit, so honesty and non manipulative behavior are incredibly important for me. My second biggest issue is my own submissiveness… I tend to let others dominate me and we have been talking about whether this is a personality trait or an issue that I need to work on to overcome.. Wtf??? Telling me he would reward me with a full hour when I have earned it was like giving a heroine addict a glimpse of your heroine stash and telling them to come back and see you next week. It was a complete turnon to me and I think he knew it… Why would he mess with my head that way??? Uggg I don’t know what to do? Do I talk to him about this…about what im feeling or do I just find a new therapist.

  • Tom

    October 13th, 2014 at 5:07 PM

    Hi, Salina.

    That’s terrifying. I just had a similar experience today. Have been with my therapist for a year and a half, and he said something that completely undermined what I had thought was going on. Awful, awful feeling. I’m not sure where to go from here, either.

  • Brett

    October 13th, 2014 at 7:49 AM

    Salina,

    I believe because you have had such a good rapport with this therapist, that you should confront him about his strange choice of words rather than just leave him. Perhaps he was having a bad day (not a good excuse I know) or something else you don’t know about. Not only does this clear the air with a seemingly good therapist most of the time, but it also gives you practice of feeling empowered and working on one of your therapy goals. I hope this helps.

  • Mark

    October 13th, 2014 at 4:18 PM

    Hi,

    I fully agree with the content of the article. I am the owner of unmotivatedtens.com. Parents must act very carefully while taking such decision. Most of the so called medical counselors no nothing about therapy. I specially thank the owner of this website and the content publisher for bring such eye opening things in front of people and espacially parents.

  • Joanne

    October 15th, 2014 at 3:09 AM

    This list is really helpful. I think my therapist may have boundary issues, but it is hard to tell if it is my own issues coming out. She encourages me to call her between sessions, which is not something I would have previously considered doing, however I did start to do it but found that while she was very helpful many times, she was often not available for days, as she didn’t have reception, was away, didn’t have her phone with her etc. I found this really confusing but didn’t say anything as I was so grateful when she did call me. It seems to have made me more dependent! She changed the arrangement of our sessions but didn’t check with me that this was okay and when I asked if she was sure she could continue seeing me, she said yes, that she wanted to continue with me although she had given up some of her other clients, due to a change in her circumstances. She said something about me being a special client. This made me feel like a special client and I said something about her being my surrogate mother! However she has since stopped telling me to contact her between sessions. Overall it is confusing. I think she over identified with me and now has backed away, or it may be that I am projecting my own issues on the situation. She is a brilliant therapist other than this and the only one I have really ever engaged with. I guess the thing to do is to talk to her about it, but I feel scared of doing this, partly because I don’t want to criticise her and partly because i am not great at saying this type of thing and don’t want to lose her as a therapist.

  • Anne

    October 16th, 2014 at 10:50 AM

    I hate it when we are paying big bucks and are afraid of offending our therapist, or being deleted, when we are paying them to LISTEN to whatever we say! Also have expressed my dismay, and anger at therapists’ giving clients mixed messages…as in “come here (call me anytime)…go away (I can’t be bothered) or perhaps the worst of all “you must have imagined I said that”.

  • Athena

    October 16th, 2014 at 3:46 PM

    Counselor seems to be in a hurry to get you off of her patient list and on to someone with more “important” problems.

  • nick

    October 18th, 2014 at 8:51 AM

    I’ve recently had a rather strange experience with a therapist. I started getting red flags right away. She seemed to have trouble with her scheduling and I got the opinion that she sort of played it loose and that her clients were, for the most part, OK with being flexible with arranging their schedule around hers. She seemed disorganized and inefficient. The second or third session she scheduled me at 2pm and wrote it on a card for me (my memory isn’t always that great either). Our parting conversation was confused. She said she might have to reschedule me to 2:30 (she also mentions 3:30 and 4:30 ; it was confused) but she would call me . My phone went out. She had some problem; had to move people around . She called but I didn’t get the message. When I arrived at 2 no one was there. I left a note saying I’d be back at 2:30. When I came back she was in session w/ someone else which I interrupted. She came out and discussed the matter w/ me while her client was waiting. She told me to come back at 3:30 and went into a diatribe about what happened. I was a little miffed and ended by saying stick to this and waived the card she gave me w/ the 2pm time on it. She had contracted w/ me to be there and have a session at 2pm. If she couldn’t get a hold of me to confirm an adjustment she should have stuck w/ the original contract. Her schedule and /or the other clients schedule were more important than mine. She never took responsibility or apologies for the mistake she just shrugged it off as ‘new patient adjustment’ (which sounded like it was my fault). I saw it as incompetent and unprofessional as well as disorganized, confused , distracted, inconsiderate, maybe a bit too familiar or assumed familiarity with me and she didn’t really know me well yet, and so it was also impolite. I had a feeling something like this might happen from the way she was talking about the appointment at the end of the previous session. I made sure I had errands to run and other things to take care of in case it did. I still ended up having to go home and wait (for 15 minutes) and then drive back. It cost me in gas and time. I also got off track and forgot things I meant to do while I was out. A little distracted too because of this issue. I had to go back out after I got home from the session to complete what I forgot to do. More gas and a little more aggravation at the whole affair.
    I believe in giving the benefit of the doubt . It was a bad day. Things happen. Yet, it wasn’t a good start to the whole affair. I think you have a pretty good idea if the therapist can help you by 6 sessions. The schedule issue was only the second session.
    I noticed right off that she talked a lot (liked to talk). It was hard to get a word in edgewise and so difficult trying to explain why I was there (she interrupted a lot). I thought it took longer than it should have as we kept getting sidetracked and off topic onto irrelevant subjects having little to do with what I was talking about. It appeared that she had an agenda. At one point in the middle of trying to explain my situation she started talking to me about SS disability. She said she had never had someone get turned down and that she helped people get it. Kind of like a commercial break in the session for her to plug her specialty. I explained that might be nice but that wasn’t why I was there. Then she got off on “relationships” . I explained to her that I wasn’t interested in having another relationship. I had taken a vow of celibacy and that I was abstaining from relationships altogether (over 10 yrs now). It was as if she never heard me say that or discounted it like I didn’t really mean that. I spent the next two sessions fending off ‘relationship’ questions. I thought OK ; there is really nothing wrong with discussing that aspect of my life and I don’t mind doing so but it is rather irrelevant to what I’m trying to get at. What was worse; she seemed to be suggesting indirectly or unconsciously that having a good relationship would solve my problems. I felt what I had told her was discounted and dismissed. She actually gave me an assignment to read a book about overcoming verbal abuse in relationships. Almost totally irrelevant to what I was trying to communicate to her that my real issues were and which I wanted to focus on. My real issues involved a topic which she knew very little about let’s call it PTSD for example (it wasn’t that but just an example). When I realized she knew very little about PTSD I asked her to look it up and do a little research on it …….. bam ; she sort of blew up at me (which felt abusive ; maybe I needed that book after all), became hostile and defensive . “A client doesn’t come in hear and give ME an assignment, blah , blah, blah, …it’s your responsibility (she told me) to figure it out … you do the work …..” Well I was sort of in shock at this unexpected behavior. If I went into a psychiatrist (which she wasn’t), say I had depression, and the psyc told me he didn’t know much about it and I asked him to research it so he could help me ; I don’t think that would be an unreasonable request. When I brought this up to her again she began to have the same response and I said .; there you are doing it again and she shut up realizing she was having an inappropriate response. Even after she had looked it up she still seemed ill informed.
    I would add “Not listening, being dismissive or discounting your concerns ; to your list.
    I’d also add: ” Offering irrelevant or distracting topics and assignments which don’t have anything to do with your concerns”, help or therapy you might need (you have to be careful w/ this one as you may not always be aware how something might help or not until you’ve done it). Things like this may tell you that your therapist is not listening to you or isn’t concerned with your concerns. They may have an agenda or a set program of treatment which they send every client ‘cookie cutter style’ through no matter what you might be seeing them for. They may be subtly sabotaging you in order to extend your treatment time and thus generate more income for themselves through insurance and out of pocket payments you might have to make. You could spend years in therapy with a therapist like this and never get anywhere with your issues. “You feel like the therapist is wasting your time ; unfocused on your issues and either consciously or unconsciously stretching your sessions with irrelevant issues. She was also not being much help in helping me focus on and articulate exactly what I wanted from therapy. What I felt most was that she was just being lazy.
    The last thing you want your therapist to be is lazy. Especially when you are attempting to seriously work your ass off trying to consolidate the point of the therapy so you can get at some solutions. She wasn’t paying attention I fear because she already had a plan of sorts that she may send everyone who comes to her with that problem through. Lazy in the sense that she had already done the work when she set up in business and when she went through graduate school. If you have depression she has you read this or do that. If you have anxiety she has you read that and do this and so on. I wasn’t presenting with a typical disorder. I was coming to therapy with issues not commonly brought to a therapist which means that it would require a therapist to take an active part, maybe do some extra research, give support (which would be expected with anyone), maybe think outside the box and be a little creative. In other words it was going to require her to become familiar with things she wasn’t familiar with and help me come up with a unique plan to deal with those things. I think this aggravated her a bit as she was used to not having to do much and fly on auto pilot.
    One of the things I wanted done was a complete psychological evaluation. I had already been to a psychiatrist who seemed to not want to do that so I left him (there are lots of reasons they don’t like doing that I discovered later. He also sent me on a wild goose chase that was irrelevant to my situation). She told me she could give me a small test ( the standard test insurance companies use to give you a diagnosis in order for the therapist to be able to bill your insurance co.) but she couldn’t do the more elaborate intense ; with Rorschach tests and all ; kind of evaluation. I would have to go out to a group or psychiatrist for that it it would cost me (hundreds of dollars I found out later). She began encouraging me to have those tests done despite the fact I was telling her that financial issues were one issue I was hoping to sort out with a therapist. In other words she was advising me to do something which was diametrically opposed to one of the issues I was trying to resolve (also before she had all the facts of my case and even though I told her it would work a financial hardship on me). If I were to see a ‘psychiatrist’ this testing would be included in my treatment and the insurance co. would cover it.
    “Your therapist advises you to do something that is hazardous to your self interests which you have explained to them”.
    As if this wasn’t bad enough. She didn’t keep track of my dialogues with her despite seeming to take notes. She would tell me to look things up and never follow up on those things as if they were insignificant to begin with. She would forget much of what I had told her the previous session ; which I thought ; well, it is kind of complicated and there is a lot of information for her to absorb. We would have to go over the same ground again in the next session. This was also wasting my time ; I thought; having to repeat myself and correct her when she remembered things wrong or seemingly got me confused with a different patient.
    I called several different psychologists, therapists, psychiatrist (I have a list from my insurance co. of covered therapists), shopping for a new therapist. I finally spoke w/ one guy who in a short conversation ; he and I got right to the heart of the matter and he said what we would do in therapy with him was create a plan of action to resolve the issues. I felt relived.
    I go in to what I thought was going to be my last (and 6th: I think you know by the 6th session) session I was going to have w/ the current therapist . I was fully prepared to fire her. She starts talking about the exact same thing I had spoken to the other therapist with on the phone interview. It was as if the guy I spoke to who actually had a clue had called her (I never mentioned her name but I guess he could have found out by calling the insurance co. ; I don’t know or just have known when I described the therapy; he may know her) and told her I was shopping for a new therapist and that this is what we had talked about because all of a sudden she was making sense where there was no sense before. She seemed to try to dance around it at first but then started using the same exact terms the other guy was using on the phone: Too much of a coincidence . Where she was previously oblivious she was all of sudden interested and delineating my issues almost verbatim as I had explained them to the guy on the phone. That took me by surprise and complicated things further. Whereas I was prepared to fire her and had determined just to listen to what she might say in the last session and then end it. I now had a therapist at least acting like what I had expected from the beginning but wasn’t getting. I had made the decision but was now faced with a therapist who had mysteriously became suddenly lucid and competent. A type of cognitive dissonance set in as I became strapped with yet another unresolved issue to work out. The whole thing has been aggravating from the beginning and for that reason alone I believe I’d be justified in ending the therapy with T-1 (the first therapist). I had felt a glimmer of hope when speaking to T-2 on the phone and the possibility of working with this new guy who seemed to cut through the BS and get to the point (reminded me of …Me) in a rational, intelligent, articulate manner. Competent ; in other words. I’d spent a little over 2 months 6 (weeks) sessions breaking in T-1 and would have to do that all over again. T-1 becoming suddenly conscious threw a monkey wrench in my plan. Is she really incompetent enough to dump ? All the time , energy , and explanation I’d invested in T-1 would have to be repeated now with T-2. All the time etc I’d spent with T-1 is almost wasted except for helping me formulate a little better why I’m coming to therapy. What a pain !
    She thew a fit ; twice maybe 3 times
    She didn’t listen to me
    She talks too much
    She not only didn’t bother to grasp the issues; she dismissed and disregarded my concerns.
    She tried to direct me in a totally irrelevant direction “relationships” (I needed ‘problem solving).
    She insisted I read an irrelevant book and then played it off when I confronted her about it as if I had told her I had been abused or ” your family abused you or ‘…something like that ” she said (but I never told her anything like that : She was either getting me confused with another patient of created it in her head to justify the irrelevant assignment). She assigned irrelevant assignments.

    She may have had an agenda or per-arranged program

    She didn’t pay attention; I had to repeat
    She may have been informed of my plans to leave and used information gleaned underhandedly to unscrupulously try a ploy to keep me from leaving (I can’t prove that but I have an overwhelming feeling that might have happened ; and just having that feeling makes trust suspect in this situation).
    Privacy issues : I didn’t go into this but there were privacy issues from the beginning. It’s important to bring this up as well . She gave me a little lecture about privacy and told me I could trust her with my privacy. I first noted that there was little privacy in her office. By design you have to bump into the previous and next patient as you are entering and leaving the office ; there’s no way around that. I asked her if she had the office swept for bugs regularly. She almost flipped her wig over this. First she was shocked and then got a little paranoid. There are all sorts of reasons friends, family, and enemies might wish to know what you say in therapy. All sorts of reasons people might wish to have something to use against you. You don’t have to be Al Capone anymore for there to be people who would like to ruin your life and would even do illegal things to do so. There has even been a recent case in the news in which a celebrity confesses to being a pedophile while his wife records the conversation in the therapy session. It’s not unreasonable to inquire as to what level the therapist who vehemently claims to protect your privacy actually is protecting your privacy. There is a device which can alert you if there is a recording, bug, phone or other listening device within so many feet of your location (they are expensive as are bugs). Anyway: She flipped and again got a bit abrasive about it saying ;” Hey ; that’s your problem. If you think someone is listening in you can sweep it or pay to have someone do it …etc. It’s your responsibility”. Albeit ; I disagree with her rant ; I didn’t dispute it but I believed she was wrong. That psychiatrist who allowed the wife to record the session (unknown to himself ) should be sued and prosecuted for breach of privacy. If these therapists are going to claim that your privacy is perfectly safe; they should suffer the consequences when it’s not. Then I found a clipboard with typed documents on it during a session when I moved a notebook on the table . She said “Oh, give me that, you aren’t supposed to see that !” I said ; “What is it ?” . She said; “it’s someone else s psychological evaluation ; you aren’t supposed to see that !” This happens in the middle of discussing privacy ! I’m thinking ; yeah ; you really know how to protect someones privacy around here ; just leaving someones chart here for anyone to find and read .
    One other thing : She had a real problem with the small co-pay amount you have to pay per session. The first session I didn’t bring it and asked if I could bring it next time. She kind of threw a fit over this too and forced me to go home and get it (I don’t use ATMs). I had to go all the way back home disrupt my other plans for the afternoon to satisfy her. Like people run out and don’t pay her on a regular basis. The third session I paid for the next 3 sessions in advance (so I wouldn’t forget and also so I could only write one check ). First she was going to accuse me of not paying her because she forgot I already paid for 3 sessions in advance and then she tried (well she actually did ) to screw me out of time by combining one session into two which lasted 1 hr and 45 minutes ; screwing me out of 15 minutes. I thought it all petty.
    “The therapist screws you out of time you or your insurance company are paying for”.
    Because I felt we moved forward a little bit because of the prolonged session ; I didn’t complain but still I felt it was a shitty ploy.
    Pros:
    Location : T-1 is very close. Less gas, less time wasted to and from. Less temptation to stop and spend money to and fro. It’s super convenient.
    She is pleasant to talk to (despite the immature temper tantrums and the lack of ability to get to and stay on target ; focused on the issues ; you feel that she is a genuinely ‘good’ person. Not really enough to overcome the incompetence and feelings of ulterior motive, irrelevant agendas, lack of comprehension or unconcern for the issues. ) Still, you feel she is on your side , empathetic, but you may suspect it is because she is getting paid. ( I got the impression that she needs the clientele, the business, the income ; that she may have been dry for a while and things were starting to pick up for her thus the disorganized state (from slow and simple to more than she can handle).
    I feel that she might be able to help me or at least give me support while I fix things if she ever comes to grips with my real issues and stops sidetracking and sabotaging the process. There is a feeling that we may be having a little conflict over who is going to set the agenda of the therapy. I didn’t want to but she seemed so incompetent and at a loss for what to do that somebody had to do it and the fact that she seemed to be trying to take things in the wrong direction ; I sort of became that person that brings the group back to “why are we here ” ; which only served to make her look even more incompetent.
    Also ; she brought up bonding a couple of times. I was explaining my thoughts on this or that and she would say “oh, we can bond on that” . I’m not sure I want to ‘bond’ with my therapist. I’m not certain that is necessary for her to help me. We might have certain things in common but we are never going to have an intimate relationship beyond the exclusive privacy on a professional level in therapy. I bond with my dog, my girlfriend, my family, my best friend, my house, not the guy at Subway making me a sandwich. It’s a lot more personal than that with a therapist (although trusting who makes your food is very important) but it’s a service I’m paying for. Not that I want my therapist to be indifferent towards me ; well, it’s a fine line : It’s not like they are going to be an intimate part of my social life ; in some sense they are . You might say they are ‘included’ in that but not ‘involved’. It’s similar if not the same as the objection that the therapist is trying to be your friend. I think in her case it was more of a misuse of the term ‘bonding’ rather than any suggestion of intimacy (again unprofessional because you should never have any suspicion or doubt as to where you stand with the therapist).
    It is reasonable to submit that it is vital to present your issues as accurately, and concisely as possible and to know that your are being understood by the therapist validating confirming feedback which makes it possible for the therapist to best help you. If that process is being interfered with in some way by the therapist ; there is a problem. You bring up your spirituality as it is or will be relative to your issue and she goes off on a tangent discussing near death experiences and her belief in heaven for 15 minutes : That’s a problem . Add to that not being able to get a word in or express an opinion while this is happening despite your polite attempts………. While I don’t mind talking about such things ; it’s a real detour when your are trying to get out on the table why you are there.
    ‘Your therapist interjects herself at the wrong time with inappropriate information : Sabotage.
    You get the feeling that you may be better for her therapy than she is being for yours. This may seem like a way crazy patient projecting illusions of grandeur there is a smidgin of truth within it. Nothing wrong from learning from each other ; therapy is a learning situation or opportunity and it goes both ways but there should never be any doubt who is the therapist and who the patient. No wonder there was a question of who was in command of the agenda.
    Lastly : Sex : When shopping for a therapist it is reasonable to expect professional objectivity. Whether male or female ; it shouldn’t be an issue. Again this could be projecting (but I don’t think so): The book I was assigned was sexist ; pro feminism ; blaming men for verbal and physical abuse on women even though the author says at least 3 times that the gender is interchangeable ; then proceeds to use the masculine as the aggressor and the feminine as the poor helpless victim throughout. The old saying; ‘…doesn’t matter what you say ; matters what you do’ is culpable. Then the author proceeds with the ‘men -bad’, ‘women= good ‘ point of view throughout the book. I could hardly concentrate on what the book was saying along with being pissed because I felt I hadn’t been listened to ; I’d been ignored and dismissed ; basically insulted. I would suggest that this was all unconscious on her part (I suspect anyway). I don’t think she was being intentionally anti-men but rather uninformed and somewhat of an idiot ( I had to suspect a foul odor around all that man bashing crap whether intentional or not). I got the impression that the bulk of her clientele were single women with relationship issues and men seeking SS disability. She said she absolutely loves this book and recommends it to everyone. I was offended ; at times extremely offended. Was she telling me in this veiled insult to go away ?
    The point is ; you shouldn’t have to be expending time and energy worrying or thinking about all these what ifs and what did that mean and why this or that doesn’t fit or anything other than your issues as best you can articulate them and their resolution. You shouldn’t be wondering ‘why are we way out here in left field when we should be at first or second base by now’. Especially if there are time constraints or it is costing you money the longer you wait to come to some conclusion(s). Then it’s more than just being inconsiderate or incompetent ; it’s actually hurting you. Which stresses you out ; creates more psychological problems than it solves and inconveniences you by making you have to first find someone more compatible then go through the process of sorting it all out again with someone else. Plus you are paying $$$ for this on several different levels As much as I’d like to stick it out and hope this person comes through and I get the help I need my deepest instinct is telling me “GET OUT ; FAST!”… and don’t look back.
    There is a problem when your therapist appears to need more help than you do.

  • Rosanne S.

    October 19th, 2014 at 12:29 AM

    I was the victim of severe abuse, at the hands of a therapist. Other than the legal avenues, that are at best, difficult to both navigate and prove, is there any organization/therapist who deals one on one, with the patient on this issue exclusively? There are some unique aspects of seeking therapy when therapy itself is the source of trauma, and therefore, Post Traumatic. I have had to struggle alone, with this abuse for four years, because of my own trauma, but most of all, the distress of the therapists I found to try to help me escape this abusive relationship. Although I was validated, and all agreed this one the “worst case of therapy abuse they had heard”, three therapist became so distressed that they found ways to discontinue treatment. This made the original abuse even harder to bear, and most serious, created a sense of isolation and very damaging self doubt.
    It is important to say that there was full disclosure on my part, that the nature of treatment would deal with this subject. It has increased my guilt and anger, that within the very field that created so much destruction, there is a pulling away of any assistance. This is not to say that a new therapist should “take over” or carry out, any actions, but rather, as in any profession, some innate moral compass, and pride of profession, should not only be felt, but carried out in specific, tangible steps clear to the patient.
    I have encountered defensive behavior, long explanations about the limits of the therapist’s involvement, deflection, extreme distress on the part of the therapist, and worst, sudden “time problems” that cause suggested termination, when the details of this abuse become very difficult to hear.
    They all claim that it isn’t me, but them, and in no relationship is this EVER a good thing to say!
    Somewhat shoddy for people who’s job it is to be authentic, aware and in touch with their own motivations and feelings. It is, after all, the human soul one deals with when one chooses this profession.
    I felt very alone, these last four years. I am now reaching out to a few therapists for the first time in four years. I am trying to be mindful of my own feelings, instincts, and can see much has healed. I have been validated, and affirmed in ways I can now hear, but it is still very painful, and often dangerous, to blindly seek out care after this awful time.
    In spite of my own progress, it still seems to cause a great deal of avoidance, deflection and discomfort for the new therapists. This is understandable, but continues to leave me very alone with this difficult burden. Therefore, I return to my original questions; Is there any therapist/or resource that could give me one on one assistance with the abuse and trauma, that occurred within therapy?
    Of course, most of us seeking therapy don’t have a well developed sense of a positive self, so it would seem even more urgent to provide some kind of safety net, when we find ourselves groomed, after providing painful information from our past, for even more abuse than we walked in with.
    It IS because most of us walk in with some kind of trauma, and/or abusive past, that it should be a very high priority to create a clear path for those of us who suffer such pain and self doubt as a result of people who are clearly causing more pain.
    Do no harm seems to need some concrete steps, on the other side of the abuse, to heal and create a healthy and fulfilling life.

  • linda

    October 20th, 2014 at 11:02 PM

    I found it very rude of my massage therapist to take phone calls during my massage one time I noticed that she had one hand on my back and she was typing on the computer with her other hand. when I told her I thought it was unprofessional to talk on the phone while giving a massage she stated that it was necessary because she needed to make appointments and didn’t have anyone else to do so. she is working for somebody else and starting her own business so the call she is taking her for her personal clients yet she is getting paid by the hour for my massage

  • Anne

    October 22nd, 2014 at 7:08 AM

    All those in talk therapy with real issues they are with sharing with professional clinical psychologists should have such jaw-dropping issues as a one handed massage “person”. Everything is relative, so they say.

  • John

    October 22nd, 2014 at 11:29 AM

    My daughter has some issue with her mother that is effecting the whole family. The family suggested that they get a therapist and so my wife did. My wife has meet with the therapist about 4 times, but my daughter lives in another town and has asked if she could do a phone interview, but the therapist refuses saying it would not be fair to my wife to speak with my daughter by herself so my wife requested they just do the phone call all together, but the therapist still refuses stating confidentiality reasons.Since they are all consenting adults and both parties are requesting this, what is the real problem here?

  • Anne

    October 22nd, 2014 at 4:17 PM

    Reputable therapists don’t have any interest in wasting time on people so disinterested they can’t be bothered to even show up in person to work on their issues.
    A therapist does not have to comply with every crazy request from any two “consenting adults”.

  • MissBolyen

    October 23rd, 2014 at 1:34 PM

    I have had a few issues with my therapist for awhile but assumed that the pros of continuing outweighed the con’s. He seems to want to avoid deep rooted problems, telling me to always remember what’s important. He says other clients he has get beat or have just horrible situations. So he pretty much undermines my feelings. It hurts me every time I think about it. I try hard to express more vulnerable issues just to have them shot down.

  • brigetta

    October 24th, 2014 at 10:05 AM

    My PhD in psychology with 30+ years of experience wanted to eat his soup during my session. He repeatedly left his phone on so it would ring and interrupt my sessions with him. Several times he said he had to answer it and he would have a brief conversation with someone in front of me. Overall, he lent very little of value during my sessions. I began my series of 1 hour sessions for $200/hour with the complaint that I thought my husband was either a narcissist or had Asperger’s. Rather than refer me to someone who knew more about these issues, he kept stringing me along without making any progress. Finally, I told him I was going to see someone else with more experience in these areas. Several times during our sessions he insulted me.

  • Jennifer

    October 27th, 2014 at 1:45 PM

    I found this article via a Google search after a good friend described some interactions with her therapist that raised some red flags. I immediately sent her a link and I’ve bookmarked this page for ongoing reference. I don’t have a personal issue to share (right now!); I just wanted to thank Mr. Rubinstein and all of the commenters for an incredibly valuable article and the resulting thoughtful, open discussion. Although this was originally published 6 years ago, it is clearly still helping many, many people assess whether they are in healthy relationships with their therapists and validate their concerns.

  • Amy

    October 30th, 2014 at 4:30 AM

    I’ve been in therapy 10 years. My therapist has repeatedly refused to allow me to see any written records despite my repeated noverbal requests along with a couple of written requests for his diagnosis and proposed treatment plans. In the past he always insisted we needed to discuss it more. Now he claims my seeing the records would impede treatment. Additionally my ex-husband and his brother are said to be sociopaths by their relatives. I have a long, complicated abuse history which includes terrible proxy abuse, proxy stalking, cyberstalking, harassment etc.. We’ve never discussed sociopathy or domestic violence. Friends have repeatedly told me to quit and it’s been suggested that perhaps he is working for my ex-husband and his brother and using the therapy in their many abuses, scams and cover-ups. I had really liked and trusted him and thought the therapy was helpful. However it is no longer beneficial and even seems detrimental. Additionally he seems to enjoy my suffering. He smiles when I discuss horrible or distressing experiences and now plays with his mouth in attempt to conceal this from me. I know I must move on and I should have a long time ago. The isolation, vulnerability and never-ending abuses unfortunately kept me going back. I would like your opinion about my requests to view records, including diagnosis and treatment plans.

  • Peter

    October 30th, 2014 at 10:38 AM

    Amy: This sounds like an outdated and invalidating approach to therapy. I would find a client centered therapist which will feel a lot more comfortable for you and likely make more progress. We use concurrent documentation in which the client helps write the notes and agrees on each goal and intervention on the treatment plan. I think that providing treatment without informing the client of the approach, goals, and risks and benefits is very unethical and contrary to APA ethical standards.

  • jan

    October 31st, 2014 at 1:08 PM

    I have a therapist and it gets really confusing that she does one thing one time and another nothing. I am trying to rebuild trust and yet I lose it with her often. I get upset. She says nothing and doesn’t return my call. Just nothing like it’s a lesson. She always calls back unless I’ve been depressed. I don’t understand. I feel rejected and abandoned. Great job but I guess you don’t get paid to call me back.

  • Fiona

    October 31st, 2014 at 3:28 PM

    Jan It sounds like a behaviour modification attempt.
    If you say you are depressed she doesnt call you.
    Its inhumane like she is trying to train you not to be depressed.

  • Anne

    November 1st, 2014 at 3:48 AM

    Frankly, I’ve never heard of a therapist inviting clients to call them on the phone anytime. Some people would take advantage of that so badly, the therapist would have to return a call to them 10 times a day reassuring them they’ll always be available as their paid “friend”.

  • SunnyKid

    November 1st, 2014 at 8:22 PM

    I have no grief against churches. I am not criticizing religion. But I would like to mention that certified therapists who informally counsel others in church settings may not be subject to state laws of accountability if something goes awry.

    In all situations, it pays to confirm a therapist is legally accountable to the state. If not, you have no official recourse should things to wrong.

    There are many good therapists who work in churches who probably are accountable to the state.

    My problem was encountering a certified therapist who was not actually working as a therapist in the church. But who informally “counseled” members of a prayer group.

    I began to attend a prayer group that she had started. In hindsight, she was not a humble person. That was a red flag. I’ve known wonderful people in churches. She was not one of them.

    And she was not shy about talking up her fifteen years experience as a drug and alcohol abuse counselor. Also, that she had kept her license current despite not working at the time. She looked marvellous. Her bragging gave her a lot of luster among the group members.

    She did offer to “counsel” with people in that group setting. A lot of people assumed she was on level with an advanced degree in counseling. She was nowhere near that in her education. She had a nine month certificate earned fifteen years prior. She had worked during that time and finally stopped because she was burnt out. Or so she said.

    I saw her a few times. I told her things from my life I would have never told anyone else.

    The long and short of it is she judged me, invalidated me and gossipped about me to the other people in the church. It was a small town. News travelled fast. I was completely destroyed in the eyes of pretty much everyone.

    I called the state and found out there is absolutely nothing they can do to discipline her or take a complaint. Why? Because it was done in a church setting. Despite the fact she was a registered counselor with the state, they had no authority to act. The woman I talked to about it said it was one of the worst incidents of breach of confidentiality she ever heard of.

    Since she was well established in the church, it was useless to try and complain to them. She was a skilled manipulator and they would not listen to me.

    The upshot of my experience is that I went into seclusion for twelve years. I cut off all contact with everyone. I couldn’t hold down a job. I found a way to make a very small amount of money from home. I finally moved out town and it was only then that the weight was lifted off my shoulders.

    Fortunately I was blessed with several fantastic counselors during those twelve years. Real counselors! Real people with heart and fortitude. That saved me.

  • holly

    November 6th, 2014 at 7:31 AM

    need advice asap. my boyfriend filed for divorce feb of this year.. going through custody and a temporary order was issued also a guardian ad litem for the kids. She issued court ordered counseling since march him and the kids have only had one session together. His kids mentioned to the counselor that my son is autistic and now im getting thrown into this and the counselor is wanting me to come speak to her about my son and his diagnosis can she do this? this isn’t about me and my son but now its made out to be that way. what do I do?

  • vix

    November 8th, 2014 at 2:31 AM

    I have had 4 sessions with my therapist, the first two were assessments and she seemed very friendly and warm apart from one comment – I said I had wanted to be married before having a child and she said “you obviously didn’t or you would have done that!!!” It surprised me how she interpret to do it and also was so judgmental

    Anyway the first actual session she told me off quite harshly for not answering her question properly,and even told me to repeat her question but when it was not word perfect she told me I was wasting our time and I couldn’t have therapy if I didn’t pay more attention! She was really angry

    Second actual session she told me I look at her too much and if I’m thinking about her I’m not doing therapy properly…

    I’m now hung up on how she’s going to react and wonder what I’ll do wrong next week :-(

    (I’m in the UK and not paying privately to her for the service)

  • dani

    November 10th, 2014 at 6:53 AM

    Do not go back to her!!

  • Alex

    November 14th, 2014 at 1:48 AM

    Dear vix,
    Being a therapist myself I found your post extremely interesting and revealing. Sometimes it is a little risky to judge the course of a therapy that soon. However… sometimes it is not, actually it is safer. It is really you that has to make that decision. I cannot say anything about your therapy, I am not entitled to, but I think, based on your own comment, that maybe (just maybe) I could offer some perspective on a certain matter . It seemed to be that your not paying privately for your sessions might be an issue for your therapist. I wonder if the “waste of time ” is a revealing phrase. Nothing you say within a therapy session is a waste of time, even if you do not say a single word. There are all opportunities to explore yourself with the help of your therapist. So.. there is a waste of something but not that of your time. You were also told that things would be better if you “payed more” attention!!! Well… that should say something :). Some therapists feel under payed or under something when working within an insurance context and cannot decide their own fee. A lot of personal issues could arise from that. But It is the therapist s job to be aware of all that and not yours. I just thought it meant something that you mentioned it in your comment. Maybe it’s one of your concerns too. But as a therapist who has worked many many years in the public sector I can tell you that you deserve the best treatment no matter who is paying for it. Thanks for listening, I am sorry if something I said bothered you. I hope I could be of help.

  • Abby

    November 26th, 2014 at 7:29 AM

    Hi Alex,

    I was searching for an answer to a question I had about therapy and since I can’t find it anywhere thought that maybe you would know since you are experienced in the field:) I was abused most of my childhood, so when I was older I tried several therapist. Each and every one asked me within the first couple visits “well have you ever thought about it from your fathers side & what he could of been going through?” After that question, I always leave and never come back. I don’t care what he was going through, that kind of abuse is not acceptable. Is there any hope of me finding a therapist that doesn’t ask something like that or is there some reason why they do?

  • Mary S

    December 1st, 2014 at 9:42 AM

    Vix,

    So sorry to hear of your experience. “You obviously” is a red flag — it usually indicates that the person hasn’t really thought but is making a snap judgment. And the extreme pickiness about “not answering the right question,” making you repeat it exactly, and saying you look at her too much — those are really weird and extreme, and sound like someone picking a fight. Yes, don’t go back to that one!

  • Grace

    November 8th, 2014 at 7:23 PM

    I would like some input on an experience I had recently with a group I attended. This was not “counseling” per se, but counseling did occur. The idea behind it was that everyone wears a mask of one kind or another, but this was a place where fellowship could occur without the masks. My experience was mostly very difficult in that I was told many negative things about myself – I was arrogant, superior, proud, selfish, self-righteous. There was little encouragement or building up. The purpose was to be made aware of our sin so that repentance could take place. Is there ever a place for this in Christian counseling? I have since left the group as it was too destructive for me.

  • useful

    November 10th, 2014 at 6:35 PM

    This is my first time visit at here and i am genuinely impressed to read all at alone place.

  • Anne

    November 12th, 2014 at 1:28 AM

    Wow, Grace, sounds like some adult thought it was original and instructive to get a game of children’s Truth or Dare going and see who could be demeaned enough to fall out. Adult ‘fellowship’ can’t occur with insults being hurled; nothing theraputic about that; just mean. Good you left.

  • Victor V.

    November 12th, 2014 at 7:27 AM

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  • Terry H.

    November 19th, 2014 at 6:03 AM

    My husband of 32 years, has been seeing a female counselor for over a year now, I had several sessions with her, at no time has she initiated joint counseling, he has formed an attachment to her, our relationship has suffered greatly, we are living in the house under separation terms he determined without any discussion or input on my part. I’m at a loss, and am not being heard. Any advise in how to move forward, stuck.

  • SK

    November 20th, 2014 at 9:16 AM

    What do you think about a psychiatrist who says at an initial visit that:

    1. You must take the medicines recommended or you will never get well. Must take your “chemotherapy”?

    2. Even though you have had bad reactions to other meds, the doctor says you will just have to go through the side effects and problems.

    3. Will conduct blood tests to ensure compliance with taking medicines?

    4. Said sometimes you have to be treated like a 4 year old if you don’t want to comply…

    5. Should defer to husband’s opinion/decision on treatment.

    6. You will be well by Christmas but, may be on meds for 2 or more years.

    7. Even though you are sleeping better, he still wants to put you on a sleep medicine…

    These are just a few examples!!!

    Thank-you,
    SK

  • Mary S

    December 1st, 2014 at 9:53 AM

    SK,
    This guy sounds like he’s on a real power/control trip. Also, “will never get better” is a red flag that he’s “catastrophizing.”

  • SK

    November 20th, 2014 at 7:21 PM

    Oh, and he kept referring to himself as “Nurse Ratchitt”…

  • Anne

    November 21st, 2014 at 5:03 PM

    Terry, why did he seek therapy to begin with? You seem to feel that unless you are included in therapy, he will never hear you, don’t you speak to one another without a third party present? I don’t understand, but having been in therapy before myself, I can tell you that we ALL develop “an attachment” as you say to our therapist as we see them as our link to wellness.

  • Calli

    November 23rd, 2014 at 12:37 AM

    I started Family Therapy with my husband. I was looking into a few therapists and finally found one that took our insurance. Been to two sessions and came out feeling worse. Our reason for therapy is issues our/my oldest son and family have to deal with because his bio father and visitations affect our son and family negatively. Basically my sons father is a flake and has never made our son a priority. When I went for the first time with just my husband the therapist commented that I was intense. At first I didn’t take it negatively I am a super passionate Latina and did most of the talking about our son and the situation with his bio dad. I’m trying to give her the tens years of background so she can fully understand what my child has gone through. And basically in 2 sessions she has made me feel like I make a big deal over things that affect my son. Like she literally told me if I’ve heard of BFG. Big F#*$&@^* Deal. I think its a big deal my sons father had his GF’s brother move in and didn’t tell me then lied about how long he’d be there, he didn’t really know the brother cause he was moving from another state. Or that he showed my son pics on his phone and my son saw naked pics of the gf and didn’t address it with my son so my son told me when he got home cause it made him uncomfortable. The therapist questioned the situation like how do you know he knew your son saw those. My son told me! The therapist said I’m taking things too personal about what my sons father does. But she’s not getting the fact that he’s been doing stuff for ten years to spite me even if it hurts his son. He’s thousands of dollars behind (over a years worth) on his child support. That says so right there. He can totally afford to pay it. So because of his delinquency his liscense is constantly suspended. He shouldn’t be driving my son with a suspended liscense and in the past he got a DUI and never told me and I found out on my own and he had been driving my son. So when I know for a fact that his license is suspended I have a police officer come and check it. Then he can’t drive my son. She said why is my job to police him. I was shocked! I think I need to find another therapist right? I felt aweful for days after this last visit. I don’t think therapists are supposed to make you feel worse when you are trying to be the best parent and an advocate for your child right?

  • Anne

    November 23rd, 2014 at 12:14 PM

    Not sure you can count on a therapist to agree with everything you say and do. They are generally not just paid cheerleaders; if they’re any good at all at what they do.

  • Calli

    November 23rd, 2014 at 8:54 PM

    I’m not looking for or did I expect a cheerleader. I know I’m a great mom but when it comes to countless things my sons father does that directly affect our son I think those should be considered a big deal. I was very shocked that a therapist would say Big F$&@*#%^ Deal about things that negatively affect a child. She doesn’t know enough about my son or the situation to be saying that during a second session.

  • Anne

    November 24th, 2014 at 11:36 AM

    The only viewpoint you can change is yours. Paying a professional to agree is not fruitful; and no skillful therapist will respond with applause to everything a client says. If the client were so right about everything; why isn’t that working for them?

  • Cali

    November 24th, 2014 at 12:05 PM

    Great point, I should totally change my views on California driving laws and not worry about the court mandated custody agreement that his father doesn’t follow. The whole purpose of going to therapy was for our son to see someone about the dissapointment and chaos his dad causes in his life that truly affects him. Thankfull we never exposed my son to that therapist and can find the right one now who will be able to help him with his issues from his father.

  • Rainn

    December 25th, 2014 at 10:28 AM

    I have read through some of these questions and answers and find some of your responses rather harsh. In addition, usually in therapy the therapist guides the paitent to come to his/her own conclusions and not give them advice or at least provide a few alternatives. But good therapists do not make judgements that the paitent is intense on the first visit and say other things that she stated. Possibly she is misrepresenting the therapist – but you don’t know that and if you are going to comment you have assume what is stated is true. If a client has such negative feelings after one visit, she needs to find another therapist. Too often clients are made to feel powerless in selecting a therapist. And in your comment to the woman whose husband is attached to his therapist, clearly she is upset about feeling distant from her husband. Perhaps, instead of bashing her, you could suggest they go to couple counseling or she seek therapy.

  • Rainn

    December 25th, 2014 at 10:33 AM

    I want to be clear that my previous message was directed at Anne.

  • Karla

    November 24th, 2014 at 12:08 PM

    Wondering if they really knew they made things worse how they would feel. I gained weight quickly cause it was almost as if he enjoyed the conflicts he caused. So I work on thinking about it less. Trying to be happy more. Trying to enjoy life more and taking responsibility for letting him hurt me. Kindness has always been important to me. I paid for crappy garbage. So sickening that he isn’t reprimanded at all.

  • Anne

    November 27th, 2014 at 3:58 AM

    Hope a practicing therapist will answer you. I am thinking there is a reason for asking you. Evidently most of the abused (or neglected, or abandoned) by a parent have conflicting feelings about that parent, ranging between hate and something else. Looking at the parent’s whole picture might clear up your feelings, it’s all about you and what’s good for you in your therapy. I am positive you are not being asked that to benefit the abuser, but rather to benefit you.

  • Denise

    November 28th, 2014 at 9:52 PM

    Should a therapist ask a client for the favor of entering her home (breaking )in to retrieve her passport that she forgot, and drive it an hour and a half and deliver it to her at the airport ? My recent ex told me his therapist of one month, since our break up, asked and he complied! I want to report this person! I feel she has other friends or family that she should ask, not someone she has known for less than one month and a patient, no less.

  • Mary S

    December 1st, 2014 at 9:46 AM

    Denise,
    Asking a client to do a big favor like that is a boundary violation — unethical. You would be well within the bounds of responsible behavior to report it to the appropriate licensing board.

  • Denise Marie

    November 29th, 2014 at 10:15 AM

    Can someone give me some feedback here. I feel this therapist is acting unethically, and should be stopped. I don’t want to see my ex harmed, he has enough issues with out her abusing her position. TY

  • Anne

    November 29th, 2014 at 3:47 PM

    Okay, here’s some feedback, honestly offered:
    You have no standing in this matter. Your “ex” is an adult, who has engaged a therapist. If he chooses or offers to run an errand for that therapist, that’s not your affair and at any rate reporting of your part would make you appear a busybody at best.

  • disequilibrium1

    November 30th, 2014 at 2:03 PM

    Denise, you can contact TELL: Therapy Exploitation Link Line. They have experience advising consumers about abuses.

    I’m not a mental health professional, but understand anything outside clearly-defined therapeutic treatment would qualify as a “dual relationship” and violate US professional ethics codes.

  • Denise M

    December 1st, 2014 at 10:49 AM

    Thanks for your thoughts. The therapist who has befriended my former fiance` works for the school district. If she is unethical with adult patients, I must also wonder what is she doing to children!

  • adri

    December 2nd, 2014 at 9:17 PM

    Long story short. My husband had an affair. We decided to try to make it work if we go to counseling first. Both of us.He’s been seeing a counselor for a month now..catch- who was referred by the mistress ironically. I found a guy online and have only been to 1 session. I told my husband I can try seeing his counselor since he’s already been going to her and then we could go see her together..he told his counselor I was interested in seeing her too and apparently she advised him we see 3 different counselors. That he stay with her, I stay with mine and we find another to see together. My question is.. does that sound reasonable? Her reasoning is that I would think she’s taking sides since he’s been seeing her longer. I’ve not been to a counselor before so I don’t know if this is good advise on her part or there’s something not quite right?

  • Nicole

    January 2nd, 2015 at 9:03 AM

    Hi Adri! I know it probably seems overwhelming to enlist the help of three separate people. I wanted to assure you that yes, this is often the case for couples counseling. It is recommended each partner have their own individual counselor and a separate couples counselor. It is likely the case that if someone is a trained couples therapist they wouldn’t take sides, but ethically it is the best practice for us therapists to assign a neutral counselor that neither individual is seeing when doing couples counseling. I hope that helps! :)

  • Elise

    December 5th, 2014 at 3:41 AM

    Sure, there are good Therapists. It’s the bad ones that make the value of Therapy so debatable! I thought I had a good therapist. I had been severely abused throughout childhood in every way imaginable. My trust was shot. At first the therapist seemed professional and appropriate. Within two years, I trusted him implicitly. Then his focus shifted. Our sessions focused more and more on him. His stress. His frustration with other patients. His struggles with the HMO’s paying him. His struggles with patients not paying him. His frustration with my Ex not paying him for his therapy. His feeling burned-out as a therapist. There were many times the entire session was all about him, not about my reason for being there. I tried being assertive and proactive, saying at the start of each session that I really needed to talk about issue blank. That somewhat improved it a third of the time. By year four, he was “sharing” very private details of other patient’s abuse, habits and therapy. I discovered he had also asked at least one of them her opinion of me. I was very uncomfortable with this, but he felt it was okay since he wasn’t using their names and I didn’t know them. But as there was usually at least one or more others in in the waiting room, as well as seeing each-other coming and going out if his office, it wasn’t too hard to recognize some if them from his descriptions. I stopped seeing him a couple of years later, realizing the therapy was doing him more good than me. The clincher was the day he told me he knew I was now mentally healthy, as he was attracted to me, and “only” felt attracted to his patients when they were better. Shortly thereafter he rambled on about feeling unsafe due to a recent shooting of a psychiatrist by their patient. Then he asked me if I wanted to see something, and promise not to tell anyone. To my horror, he opened his desk drawer and drew a loaded gun. Yes, loaded. He told me it was. I mumbled something supportive and left quickly. I never returned. I heard from him one more time, a year or so later. He phoned wanting me to invest my time in some marketing scheme with him and his buddy. I tactfully declined. He snapped that I would never get better or be able to take care of myself and my children (as a single mom) unless I was worked plugging their product. I stated I was doing just fine, and ended the call. The whole debacle left me confused, upset and distrustful for years.

  • Mary S

    January 4th, 2015 at 12:39 PM

    Elise,

    Yes, the bad therapists who are detectable after a few sessions are bad enough, but experiences such as yours are especially damning to the profession. Your therapist slowly (and probably skillfully) established trust – but then instead of using that trust to help you, used it to further his own agendas. And then topped it off with the “you’ll never get better if/unless you …” line. (Yes, I’ve encountered that line and variations of it.)
    Both kinds of therapist need to be drummed out of the profession. Therapists need to be held accountable, at least to the extent of mechanisms whereby clients can give evaluations of therapists, and those evaluations will be made public (without revealing the clients’ identities). Many therapists would probably object to such evaluations on the grounds that “some clients” will give bad evaluations because of the “disorders” they need treatment for. So what. People in other professions get evaluations from clients, students, etc., and sure, there are always a few who will routinely give negative evaluations. But if a therapist is good, the few such negative evaluations will be countered by many positive ones. As it stands, clients have so little to go on in selecting a therapist.

  • Matt

    December 12th, 2014 at 8:32 AM

    I grew up with severe bipolar mania and ADHD issues so upon graduating, I had been designated into the system of that. Psychologists are not the same as LCSWs at all. Psychologists were often trying to trick me into things but there was support and trust on some level. Their origins as a career field are finely established in regards to their atrocities as are psychologists but in general psychologists are trustworthy, if you came in and had a lot to fit into an hour, they understood the demeanor.

    LCSW on the other hand are very condescending and rude. They start out with some goals list which was a waste of time and they set their rules and one step and they screw you over with every facet they can. I would constantly refuse therapists over and over because every one of them would put words in my mouth and accuse me of being manic. I was required to talk prim and proper and I couldn’t go there and just vent about life, I had to make it about bipolar and whatnot and getting a job wasn’t a thing regardless of my history. They contributed to forced hospitalizations, they always tried to get my doctor to overmedicate me. Well, I made it out, I see a psych nurse practitioner for meds and will not see therapists because they are all LCSW and they are control freaks and liars. I stopped seeing one and I was off that check that they pushed more than anything since age 18 got my bachelors and masters and work and function well. Therapy to me is a waste of time and this psych nurse practitioner plays that sometimes but I don’t need that every two weeks.

    I have a Masters in International relations and my initial program was psychology to end up a psy.d but I started noticing that type in my classes and they are just not pleasant people for the most part. I make more money with this job anyhow.

  • Matt

    December 12th, 2014 at 10:30 AM

    Again: Yeah I commented in the past before I finished my undergrad in 2012. My stability has remained set and this has been my experiences both before I was able to get out of the intensive treatment I felt in early treatment. I was in those team style things and in 1999, fresh into adulthood, I was quite impaired. My mother was a clinician at a mental hospital, had been raised by my bipolar grandmother from Germany and she had been diagnosed with borderline PD and called the diagnosis “sexist” and said it was “life experience depression” (i.e. not because she is nuts because we were so horrible and ungrateful).

    She was overdramatic and a pathological liar but she wasn’t ever suicidal in behaviors so she really missed out on that red flag but even being diagnosed with it, she still had a lot of pull on what went in my history and file. One case was sexual abuse that she told everyone she could that I was manic, intelligent, genius, paranoid and basically danger. My neuropsych as a kid ended up working as per diem at her work and got my number to personally call me and apologize and went on to start describing and all I said was “borderline personality disorder”, it was diagnosed but since she didn’t have that one characteristic, she researched it and radical feminist theory had referred to it as a “sexist diagnosis men placed on a woman’s pain”.

    So, I went into the adult intensive system with a file basically making me out to be the Omen. I remember when she divorced my stepdad that weekend she came out as gay and our house went from catholic central to rainbow pride and she was on to her new Stepford mode. Of course, she was an emotional time bomb and would switch modes like nothing and any time she would butt her way into therapy, the LCSWs loved her and she’d use her case management and clinician on a psych floor as a leverage. I have to laugh about one time when she had a message from her work accusing her of staff splitting her superiors and laughed. She played the caring mom to a T and like the LCSW(s), she would automatically accuse me of being manic if I disagreed or expressed that maybe I am not so bad that I need SSI and intensive groups for life, I was too gone to reason with.

    I used to have two psychotherapists as a kid and later a teen and they weren’t calling my doctors on me all the time but my mother always was. My mom passed away because she ended up on meds for her “late in life issues”, naturally insisting that her back pain, obesity, age, horrible life and all of us cruel people are why she is on so many meds (Xanax, Klonopin, Vicodin and Opana I think it was). My half brother has completely taken after her and I avoided the funeral because he put a restraining order on me to clean her place out, then left me out of the obit and later tried to sue me for the funeral costs that I couldn’t attend. He got my email and phone from a relative and just like when she used to, it’d be 15 voicemails in all different modes. He barely earned a diploma though. When I was the love child, he’d be the hate child and she would call him slow and when it was vice versa, I was evil and ruined the whole family with my problem.

    I dealt with the PTSD from that already because at least my Psych Nurse Practitioner makes me engage in some level of therapy considering I was referred to two after my mom died and they didn’t like my direct and blunt boundaries like wanting to have some feedback before they call the doctor so I could identify what the issue is before showing up and getting mobbed. I was also treated like crap because my mother’s abuse and borderline behavior was something I disliked because they tend to enable that for some reason. Plus, I didn’t accept that coming with the treatment level change I was at because my abuse around my mom’s punitive, hard line psych treatment as parenting, I tend to get into PTSD mode when a lot of that happens so I just do that with my nurse practitioner.

    In that agency, it was all a team thing too and I was too young for the what proof do you have? Did she give you examples? And would be starting off because my mother’s punishments often had to do with me “being manic” and I had been hospitalized a lot. So I admittedly understand my place but I don’t go in needy and it was always mandatory for me to obtain ADHD medications earlier on with those psychiatrists. One tried putting me in DBT and the mindfulness was great although the rest was common sense but the room was filled with women that all had similar ways to my mom’s ways. Half of them thought it was great that a “hottie” was there and the other ones hated me for something they perceived as some hate toward them. On the 3rd section, I just pointed to the group therapist’s book from Linehan and stated, “I have not ever been diagnosed with this and I am not a rapid cycler so there is no mistake but I was abused for years by someone with this issue who saw it as her reaction to everyone else and I was scared. Admittedly, I am a good looking guy and since many that went where I went for that program were heavily medicated on Haldol or something like that and looked Zombie-ish. I was hip to the initial hero pedestal deal from seeing one sporadically in waiting but 12, I couldn’t stay and was insulted by the skills book that I had already. My mania lasts months long and my low and even periods are also long and pronounced. I didn’t close to rapid cycle. It was rough to be in that often unnecessary level of treatment and I hope it was replaced with a schizophrenic man because they are the ones who need a revamp on treatment for them.

    Just reiterating.

  • vet

    December 19th, 2014 at 6:51 AM

    I was seeing a LPC-Intern, that I finally was able to trust after about a year, then all of a sudden their supervisor made them terminate me as a client because I didn’t feel comfortable with the supervisor taking over my therapy sessions. She was a control freak and would lose her temper if things didn’t go her way. I have been so deeply hurt by this experience, it has left me hopeless and feeling betrayed. I suspect the supervisor has a drinking problem, as i could smell it and from their behavior of the way they confronted me. I wish to report them, but don’t want the intern to have problems. I doubt I’ll ever trust the mental health profession again, I’m unable to handle any more wounds, I still have many left unhealed.

  • James

    December 20th, 2014 at 10:32 PM

    Dear Vet, if you like the intern as your therapist and built up their trust you aren’t doing them any favor by not discussing the problems and injustices the supervisor has done to you. I have become more proactive in voicing my opinions to my healthcare support group. I ask questions now! When I first started seeing physicians, I wouldn’t question any of the decisions they made for my healthcare. The key words are “My Healthcare”. This is my opinion, or advise; I would go to the website of your mental health care provider and look up staff directory to get phone number of the person on the top of the ladder there, the president, manager, what ever their title may be. If you can’t find a number, call the regular number and ask if you could please speak with Mr. Or Mrs. So and so. If they ask what are you calling about, say, It’s just important that I speak with them. First let them know that you are very pleased with the intern and trust them. Then tell them about your poor experiences with the supervisor, and let them know you could smell alcohol on their breath. Let them know you would like a different supervisor to work with your intern when you are there. You have the right to good health service. If need be call your government health commissioner, or what ever title they give them. You should be able to find it online if you look up your state’s government departments. That person is probably acting like an unprofessional ass to all of the patient they interact with, so you would be doing everyone a favor, including your intern. Just remember when you are happy with the service you are getting, to also call and give them praise. I assume you are a veteran of one of our military branches? If so, I want to thank you for your service for our country! I need to be proactive with the multitude of health problems I deal with! Good Luck, God’s Peace to you and your’s, and I hope you have a good time celebrating our Savior, Jesus Christ’s Birthday!

  • Patricia K

    December 29th, 2014 at 6:23 AM

    I sell online and recently got scammed by a mental health counselor, (who in fact is licensed) I looked her up online and found her practice. After stealing a very valuable item of mine this lady continued to read all my feedback manipulate the only two negative feedbacks I had ever received out of 400 plus sales to make it sound like I had taken advantage of her. To reduce the conflict I tried to ignore this woman I just wanted her to leave me alone. But she continued. I wrote the site I sold on and begged them to drop the case let her have her money and my item and to block her from sending any more comments to me. It was exhausting, hurtful and I wanted the drama to end. She actually gave me a mental disorder diagnoses and gave me the codes to look it up in the DSM V. There is no privacy on this site. Everything is available for others to read. The lady found out I was a student studying in the field of psychology she had pre- stocked me and found every way she could to possibly discredit me so that she could easily steal my item from me prior to even purchasing the item. She used her superiority to degrade and humiliate me and I closed my online store which I was using as my income to help me get through my internship. I was very proud and worked very hard to build my store and shut it down due to a therapist who bullied me online. My story is sad but the real sad story here is that this lady is very unhealthy and she is practicing and could be harmful to her clients. Can or should I report her unethical behavior to the board? Am I just fueled by anger? Should I just Take a deep breath and let it go?

  • Falynn P.

    December 29th, 2014 at 9:07 PM

    Well heres a good one for you all. True story. My live in partner whom seeked therapy. Things started getting weird, found a love letter via facebook from her therapist whom was married with 3 kids maybe after 6 months of therapy. big confrotation i wrote the state of florida she surrenedered her license before my complaint and got nothing. she cant get her license back in florida but who knows ifshe will go elsewhere. no criminal charges and she still sees her behind her husbands back. I am writing a nonfiction ” the letter from her therapist” this issue it happens more then we know

  • Vivi

    January 13th, 2015 at 9:39 AM

    I have found that the most powerful teaching is never outsource your health, mental/physical/spiritual to any other. Know yourself. Stay strong. Be clear. Yip, I also have horror stories of what therapists tried to teach me and the only lesson I have learnt, those that can offer guidance are the one’s with fabulous marriages, successful lifestyles, that are not wanting to share their past crap with you.

  • Robert

    January 13th, 2015 at 6:54 PM

    I have yet to see the therapist with a fabulous marriage, wonderful and successful lifestyle. Most of them are total disasters. But you won’t know since they won’t tell you. They can’t help you unless they’re together as people. One guy on this site recommended that anyone who goes into a room and closes the door with a client, should be required at each licensing to have a mental health exam. Most would fail.

  • Miss La La

    January 18th, 2015 at 4:54 AM

    Therapist provides no explanation of how you will know when your therapy is complete

    Counselor is judgmental or critical of your behavior, lifestyle, or problems.

    Counselor tries to enlist your help with something not related to your therapy.

    Counselor tells you what to do, makes decisions for you, or gives frequent unsolicited advice/medical.

    Therapist is contentious with you or frequently confrontational.

    Therapist tries to push spirituality or religion on to you. MEDITATION

    Your counselor habitually shows up late to appointments.

    Counselor has “social” meetings-dinner and coffee.

  • A9920

    January 24th, 2015 at 5:49 PM

    Therapist withholds diagnosis. Therapist makes assumptions about behavior patterns after one or two sessions. Therapist blames you for problems without considering the imperfections of others. Therapist uses wrong DSM.

  • Anne

    February 2nd, 2015 at 2:17 PM

    Dear Rainn,
    I see you have found fault with my observation. I would never have suggested to that particular person another therapist of any kind, as I don’t believe she could be suited. Her jealousy of the husband’s therapist was apparent. People who want to find a therapist who will tell them exactly what they want to hear are welcome to peruse the yellow pages and don’t need me to direct them. There is no bashing; just the adage that plain talk is more easily understood than festooning the obvious with a bunch of baloney.

  • Dreamteller

    February 4th, 2015 at 4:57 AM

    Very nice articles here. Thank you. Best regards

  • Tbird

    February 8th, 2015 at 4:18 PM

    In my case, I am dealing with complex PTSD and narcissistic abuse and my therapist just simply does not get the dynamics. He has diagnosed me with PTSD, but we just don’t click. I don’t feel very relaxed. I feel judged. He does not directly judge me, but I just have an awkward vibe.

  • disequilibrium1

    February 9th, 2015 at 2:27 PM

    I don’t understand why someone here takes the role of shaming and scolding everyone else.

    Frankly, I think of nothing more pathetic and inept than a provider who believes his role is scornful authoritarian. A therapist will never fully understand his client’s truths or life, and is presumptuous performing as a 10-foot disciplinarian and truth teller. Therapy should provide a space for the client to reach her own conclusions and for the therapist to function no more than a facilitator and observer.

    I don’t think the woman concerned about her ex’s therapist was a busybody in the least. She described a clear ethical violation and undue influence and asked a perfectly legitimate question about it. If our associates or loved ones are mesmerized by an unethical therapist, I think it responsible to speak up.

  • Iam G

    February 10th, 2015 at 2:00 PM

    Is it odd that the counselor would see your child, thier sibling, yourself and your partner, and not refer anyone out; am I the only one that would think there is some sort of conflict of interest?

  • Anne

    February 10th, 2015 at 4:31 PM

    Iam G: When I saw a therapist for anxiety issues, after working with me for a long while, he divulged that family dynamics were in need of adjustment; and began to see my stepchildren, my husband, and even once my mother-in-law in keeping with the theory “it’s not just your problem, it’s a whole family problem”. Is that what you mean?
    As an aside in another subject, I think it’s entirely irresponsible to report another adult person’s therapist based on what they report to you. If you cannot persuade them to report, based upon your opinion of their interactions, then accept that you cannot control them.

  • Sarah

    February 12th, 2015 at 8:11 PM

    I guess there are some good therapists out there – but I’ve never met one, in either my personal or professional life. I could go on for days, but here are just a few highlights. I was engaged to a therapist who had completed an internship at a battered women’s center. We broke up because he had tantrums and was controlling, ending with him throwing a bookcase at my head because I had accidentally broken a cheap item of his. He tried to make me believe I was the one with the problem because no other woman would mind having a bookcase thrown at her, at least according to him! I worked in a secretarial role at a mental health facility a few years ago, and I’m not exaggerating when I say that the therapists there needed more help than the patients! They were narcissistic, condescending, paranoid, nasty and deranged. They put me through so much trauma that I actually ended up in therapy myself! One was a diagnosed sociopath, one was a schizophrenic who stopped taking her meds, and one was bipolar. I witnessed the sociopath threaten to beat up one of the other therapists who had been diagnosed with her own personality disorders. My own therapy experiences were even worse. One guy spent part of our sessions taking calls from his mistress and would blow kisses at me while I was in the lobby, another therapist pretended to strangle herself in front of me after I had disclosed to her that someone tried to strangle me when I was a child, another one mocked what I was saying and another one detailed her suicide attempt to me. I have even more stories, but I don’t want to bore anyone. It seems to me that a huge proportion of therapists enter the field to try to help themselves and they frequently fail at that. If you haven’t resolved your own issues, how can you possibly help someone else master theirs?

  • Robert

    March 19th, 2015 at 2:53 PM

    HI Sarah,

    You are exactly right. This is a disaster of a profession. I never met a good one either. The primary purpose of therapy is to do therapy, and keep the client as long as possible before the client discovers that nothing is happening and leaves. All about money. There was a recommendation on this site that everyone doing therapy should be required to have a mental health evaluation at every licensure. Hah!! Can you imagine them agreeing to that. ONce they get that diploma, there is no one to check on what they do.

  • Thomas

    March 19th, 2015 at 2:54 PM

    HI Sarah,

    You are exactly right. This is a disaster of a profession. I never met a good one either. The primary purpose of therapy is to do therapy, and keep the client as long as possible before the client discovers that nothing is happening and leaves. All about money. There was a recommendation on this site that everyone doing therapy should be required to have a mental health evaluation at every licensure. Hah!! Can you imagine them agreeing to that. ONce they get that diploma, there is no one to check on what they do.

  • Medina K

    February 16th, 2015 at 8:00 AM

    One red flag that I think should be listed is this: “A counselor/therapist who is too quick to judge the client after meeting with the client only a couple of times.” For example, years ago, after seeing me only two separate times, this self-proclaimed counselor, without really knowing me, judged me as being “angry all the time.” Also, she couldn’t even handle a personal comment I made, in relation to that. Sandy became defensive, then after a long and tense pause between us, Sandy made a personal comment of her own. Things were already strained between us from Day One when she was about half an hour late for our first appointment. Another red flag is this: “Counselors who get defensive with their clients for trivial reasons.” Clients ARE NOT responsible for how their counselors and therapists react.

  • Sandy A.

    February 20th, 2015 at 6:28 PM

    My ex-boyfriend’s therapist seemed highly inappropriate to me. She would cry at his pain, saying she was an “empath” in a way that seemed co-dependent to me. She would take his side and encourage him to see me in an adversarial way, rather than working to open his heart and mind at his own behaviors.

    Our relationship ended when he had what seemed to me a bipolar psychotic break and I contacted her to alert her to his condition, because I didn’t trust that he would reveal the extent of his break. I asked her to TELL ME if she was going to tell him about my contact, so I could prepare myself and ideally tell him myself, because I knew he’d feel betrayed, but she didn’t reply to the email and instead talked to him about how she was “surprised” at my contacting her, the content of my email and that I asked her not to tell him (I said I thought it would be damaging, but if she did to please let me know first).

    Now he’ll never talk to me again. Is that responsible behavior of a therapist, when contacted about potential mental illness (this person had a drug problem for 25 years and is only 1 year sober – from his behavior I would think any competent therapist would already be alerted to potential mental illness).

    I’m really feeling at a loss about this, because he tells me I was “pathologically manipulative” to contact her, when I truly only did it out of concern for his mental health. (My ex-husband was bipolar and committed suicide so I’m extremely sensitive to this issue.)

    Can someone qualified comment?

  • Kim

    March 10th, 2015 at 1:04 PM

    Counselors are required ethically and legally usually to obtain patient consent from client to speak to others about them, their thrapy, and so forth. They can not reveal or discuss anything without first getting written consent from the client which can be revoked at anytime in writing by the client. The rest sounds like emotional garbage. If you were not a client, how could they give you clinically such a diagnoses?

  • Sayaka

    February 27th, 2015 at 5:32 AM

    My school counselor threatened to tell my parents about what I said to her if I told anyone of what happened during our session,and she can sue me and kick me out of school too,she wrote a contract containing everything I said and made me sign it. Is this a red sign?

  • Laura

    February 27th, 2015 at 11:47 AM

    I had psychotherapy when my mum was ill, I found it extremely beneficial. Flash forward many years I have been struggling with work stress and the NHS (British free health service) hooked me up with some counselling. It has been a horrible experience and has left me feeling quite confused. The counsellor seemed angry and abrasive towards me from the beginning. She told me I didn’t like myself and that was my sole problem and that I was mean to “my inner child”. I said I did like myself but had insecurities and severe social anxiety. She didn’t know what this is and dismissed it. She said I shouldn’t label myself. This was quite upsetting as I’ve been diagnosed with social anxiety and have been working very hard to overcome it. She had zero interest in talking about my social anxieties and was only focused on the idea of me abusing “my inner child”. She also told me that it was wrong to openly tell others I had anxiety as it might upset them or make them uncomfortable. I argued I should let my boyfriend and friends know about it and be honest, she said this would make people not want to be with me. Anyway I ended up googling her and she’s not a trained psychotherapist. It says she is a pyschosynthesis counsellor and into all of this spiritual stuff which looked pretty flaky to me. I’m fairly annoyed I wasn’t set up with a psychotherapist when I’d specifically requested this. Found this whole experience very upsetting and confusing as I’m actively seeking effective help for my anxiety and want to progress.

  • Chelsea

    January 17th, 2017 at 4:39 PM

    There all kinds of mental health practitioners out there, which is necessary and good, but I feel as if New Age spirituality has exerted some dominance in the field overall. Additionally, many of the same talking points are used over and over, such as, “We cannot control the choices of others, but we have control over our own choices.” I can’t tell you how tired I am of that blather. I used to read Joyce Meyers’ books, which do have some value, then became annoyed when I discovered that she incorporated many of these talking points into her literature.

  • Lori

    February 28th, 2015 at 9:08 AM

    I have not read all of the comments so it may have already been addressed here. I have BP disorder and have been chronically suicidal with 2 attempts in the past 5 years. A few months ago my therapist of 3 years promised me that he would not call the police and have me committed, as has been done by others in the past. If my ideation or actions become acute, I generally share this with him. Yesterday he reiterated that he “always believed that I would end up killing” myself and that he will honor his promise even though he said that any other therapist would probably have me committed because of my SI. My concerns are these: has he given up on me?, do enlightened therapists accept that suicide can be inevitable and not preventable?, will he feel more or less guilt when I do die because of his decision not to interfere?, will he be more at risk from legal repercussions if family find out his position? While I trust my decision and have given myself time to think it through, I still find that knowing there is no safety net, in the form of his intervention, to be disturbing. I appreciate his honesty and apparent desire to let me choose for myself, I also wonder if his stated attitude is his way of validating my sense of hopelessness and futility.

  • Anne

    February 28th, 2015 at 4:00 PM

    Sandy A.–I don’t think of myself as ‘qualified’ but here’s my two cents worth and that’s your commentary reveals how troublesome it is to get involved with issues between another adult and their therapist. Some did not agree with me when I said it is a very bad idea. Now here you are facing the consequences of having done it, and I don’t have even an idea of a solution to offer for this cautionary tale.

  • Patricia

    March 1st, 2015 at 6:31 AM

    I have been seeing a therapist for over two years, never missed an appointment. One night I had a work emergency and couldn’t get there. I called to cancel the appointment. The next day I received a bill for 70.00 for a late cancellation fee. I thought this was rather callous. When I questioned my therapist she said she had a strict policy on cancellations. She also said that if I had stopped in that night and talked about it with her for ten minutes she could have billed my insurance company instead of sending me a cancellation notice. I think this is incredibly dishonest. Also, I have a high deductible so I would have had to pay 150.00 instead of 70.

  • stacy

    March 6th, 2015 at 1:14 PM

    Hello…my husband is in a drug program is it apporaite for a counselor to feel bad for my husband she gave him a day pass to do what he wishes he leaves soon from the program I don’t understand.he has 4 days left to complete the program.i don’t c y now when he is getting out.

  • Mary S

    March 14th, 2015 at 10:02 PM

    Laura (#1050):

    I can understand why your experience has been upsetting and confusing. The counnsellor sounds very convinced of her quickly-formed opinions and unwilling to listen to evidence that does not support them. That is very unprofessional. I am so sorry you have had to go through this. I hope you have quit seeing her her and can find someone more reasonable. Since you found her through NHS, is there a way you can make a complaint to or through them?

  • Mary S

    March 14th, 2015 at 10:10 PM

    Medina K (#1047):

    Being half an hour late for the first appointment itself is a red flag. I agree that judging someone as being “angry all the time” after only one or two appointments is also a red flag. Getting defensive is something a therapist/counselor should be trained not to do. If a therapist can’t set a good example – that’s a red flag right there.

  • Joann H.

    March 19th, 2015 at 12:30 PM

    My therapist discouraged me from taking my medications and at times ridiculed me for taking them. I have bipolar disorder.

  • Mary S

    March 22nd, 2015 at 1:27 PM

    Ridiculing a client is definitely unprofessional.
    If a client is on medication, the therapist needs to work as a team with the client and the prescribing professional, not in an oppositional way. If you haven’t told your prescribing physician about what the therapist is saying/doing, you need to do so.
    It sounds like you need to find a better therapist. You have a right to be fully informed about treatment options, but the decision of which option to follow is yours.

  • Lance M

    March 27th, 2015 at 9:14 AM

    I began seeing a therapist again recently because my GAD/Panic Disorder has become worse, especially with respect to driving. My psychiatrist was the one who highly suggested it. I’ve only seen the therapist a couple of times. He seemed to start off on the right foot in our very first session by suggesting some techniques to use when I’m in the throes of an attack. As of my last visit he seems to have changed course and now is focusing on my dating/social interactions. “You seem to have issues getting close to others or allow them to get close to you.Have you considered joining a social group/network? You are still young and can still have plenty of time to date…” I understand him wanting to know if anxiety and panic attacks explain why I don’t have much of a social life,but I’m not understanding what my social life or lack thereof has to do with why I have panic attacks when I’m driving on the freeway to and from work.

  • megan

    March 31st, 2015 at 8:24 AM

    The Therapist started off the session with getting impatient with us because we were 5 minutes late. However, we were actually early and knocking on her door in the hallway for 15 minutes. We even called, but she didn’t pick up. We thought about walking in, but heard her talking while cracking the door open. We thought she was in session (she was just on the phone come to find out), so we didn’t feel comfortable walking into a room with no privacy for others since it was a small office.

    She called me while we were in the hallway, obviously irritated with us asking if we were here. I said, yes we are in the hallway. She had this irritating tone in her voice, and said, I buzzed you in the front door and there’s a waiting room! I replied with we didn’t know if we should come in since we thought you were in session and didn’t want to intrude. Plus, we didn’t know the protocol.

    She continued on about something and I kind of hung up on her while walking into office after telling her we are coming in now. And, I changed the subject, so I could focus on why we were there. She was obviously irritated with me, not my partner though. I think she was just irritated because she had other engagements that evening, which she did.

    During our unhelpful session, she turned the tables on me again, saying, I don’t lecture often, but if you don’t do this now, you’ll wonder in 3 years why not. And, I don’t know about this other thing, but do the other now!

    That broke me into tears because the ‘other thing’ was the main problem I had with my partner, and was the catalyst for seeing a therapist. It also pushed us into endless arguments.

    Then she answered a personal telephone call. Left room to let her friend in explaining she was going out for the evening and her friend was waiting. Talked about her son….blah, blah. I was shocked, but after reading the above list, I feel justified now.

    During the last few minutes of our session, I asked her what we could do and if she had any advice. She stared at me and said, stop being so mean during arguments. Again, I was completely shocked.

    I left mad to say the least. She made me spin off into depression for days. Nonetheless, I didn’t go to next session because I was so emotionally unhappy with myself, and her, and my partner.

    I asked my partner what she said about me not showing up. Her reply was “doesn’t surprise me considering how she responded to what I said.”

    After only two sessions with that therapist, I could tell that all she wanted us to do was argue in front of her. I had no idea what to expect from couples counseling, but felt it was the wrong way to help us. It even fueled our relationship into more heated arguments away from her. Now we only talk about when our relationship will end.

  • Shannon

    May 8th, 2015 at 2:08 AM

    Hi Megan,
    Your experience really touched me resonated with my own history. My partner and I sought out a few therapist until we finally found one that didn’t have any red flags. That was 12 years ago we worked with her for two years until we all felt we had learned the tools for us to communicate in a healthy manner. I’m very happy to share that we will be celebrating our 18th anniversary in October. That’s not to say that it’s always rainbows and sunshine. However, we are two complete individuals with our own interests, friends and goals. We learned in therapy how to fight with out bringing everything but the kitchen sink into a fight. A good therapist will teach you so much! Best of luck
    Sincerely,
    Shannon

  • Anne

    April 1st, 2015 at 9:40 AM

    Lance: The therapist is going to want to know a LOT more about you than just “I have panic attacks on the freeway” and asking questions is appropriate. If you want to know why “this” and not all “that”, just ask him! It’s your dime. I used to have those hellish attacks, too…please press on with therapy!

  • Jane

    April 5th, 2015 at 7:39 PM

    I have probably seen about 7 or 8 therapists through the years and can honestly say that only 1 of them helped me. I had 1 who was chronically late and canceled all the time, and who yawned during our sessions and interrupted me. She also suggested I “wear make-up” (even though I do wear make-up, and in no way did I indicate that I was concerned about looking better). I had much bigger problems than that at that time; I had just gotten out of an abusive relationship. (Oh, and also she didn’t look like she should be giving anyone else advice about their appearance, if you catch my drift). Another one spent the whole session telling me that I should stop drinking because it was “making me more depressed” (even though the reason I was there was because I was in a very stressful situation at work, so I was going out with friends once a week and drinking to relieve stress when I was in my 20s. BTW it’s about 10 yrs later and I haven’t drank much since I left that job, and don’t drink at all now and don’t feel the need to ever again…this was voluntary, I never had to go to AA or anything. So you tell me if she was right about my drinking being a huge problem we should focus the whole session on). Another therapist just didn’t even seem all that smart. And finally the last one seemed like she just wanted to tell me what to do and feed me tired stereotypes and get me to accept her worldview, even though it’s not what I believe. Most of the “advice” she gave me would not work in my situation, which is very unique. I could have gotten the same “advice” by talking to any Joe Schmoe on the street. A couple times I left the sessions feeling significantly worse than I did when I walked in. I’m by no means an expert on therapy, but I don’t think that should be happening. I should feel the same or better. The one therapist who did help me listened to me, and supported me in working out my own problems. (Unfortunately she lives quite far from where I live now). I’m going to try 1 more and if that doesn’t work, I think I’m done.

  • Mary S

    April 16th, 2015 at 7:44 PM

    Oh, for a therapist who listens and supports a client in working out their own problems! I agree, that is what a therapist should do. But I never found that — just experiences like yours that I describe as using the client as an opportunity to do whatever they choose. So many therapists seem to be off in their fantasy world, not connected with the real world that clients live in. We need a good system of clients rating therapists, what they do well, what they do poorly. As it stands, we have to pay a lot of money trying this one and that before we have any hope of finding a good one. And what online rating systems there are are usually are prone to having negative comments removed. The system is broken.

  • Jane

    April 5th, 2015 at 7:48 PM

    Oh, there was also one who I believe was actually an “abuse counselor” who made me cry during the session. I made an offhand comment about a friend of mine seeming insensitive to my situation, and she immediately sprang to my friend’s defense (even though she had never met, nor would ever meet this friend, and it really had nothing to do with why I was there. I had just gotten out of the abusive relationship I mentioned in the last post). Why she just didn’t ignore the comment and go back to focusing on the issue at hand is beyond me. After what I had just been through, the last thing I needed was yet another person telling me I was wrong. Call me crazy but I don’t think you should walk out of a therapy session in a heap of sobbing tears because of comments the therapist made to you.

  • Lance M

    April 6th, 2015 at 8:59 AM

    Thanks for the feedback Anne. And I understand he’s going to want to more than that. He’s looking for an underlying cause. It just doesn’t make sense to me that nothing in my life has changed drastically in 16 years except the increase in the number of attacks I have and when where they occur. And that has only changed within the last 5 months. This is maddening to say the least.

  • Maria V

    April 6th, 2015 at 11:59 AM

    I have decided to change to a different therapist as I have grown uncomfortable with him for the reasons I will describe below. I am posting this both for feedback and as an inspiration to possible additions to the list of warning signs. it should be noted that my therapist is inexperienced (In fact I was his exam client and continued in counseling with him after that) but that my increasing apprehension has outweighed this mediating circumstance:
    1. He has since the beginning given me a very generous discount (1/4 of normal tariff) and has told me that I, as the only one of his clients, will never have to pay more than this – for the rest of my life!
    2. My therapist has often said something to the effect of “I probably shouldn’t be doing/saying this as a therapist, but…” and then goes ahead and does says the very thing.
    3. We always go over time. We have a 1,5 hrs session but more often it is close to 2,5 or 3 hrs. Last time it went on for 4 hrs. He is devastated that he is not able to keep the time and frame around our sessions, and claims that I am the only client this happens with. When I suggest we use an alarm clock to keep time he will not accept my suggestion as it is “his responsibility not mine”. Yet, it happens each week since we started in October.
    4. He has told me that he finds me attractive and that if he was a different age and if the circumstances were different something might have happened between us. I totally disagree and find his statement uncomfortable.
    5. To celebrate his graduation as a psychotherapist he suggested that we go out for a cup of coffee or something after that session. It turned out that he had booked a table at a fancy restaurant (quite a walk away) and we had a 3 course meal with wine.
    6. He has suggested that he would like to help me outside of our counseling sessions and that he wants to make himself available for frequent meetings as an advisor and coach, something for which he does not want money. He has presented me with a ‘contract’ that describes this new relation and asked me to sign it. I have declined and told him I am not comfortable with it.

  • Natalie Moore

    April 9th, 2015 at 9:35 AM

    Hi Maria V.,

    I’ve just read your post and I’m appalled by your former therapist’s behavior. Everything he did was unethical, and some of it even unlawful. His behavior is unacceptable and good for you to terminate working with him.

    You might consider reporting him to the Board of Behavioral Sciences, if he is an MFT or LCSW or to the Board of Psychology if he is a Psychologist.

    In my opinion he should be penalized in some way or required to re-take the ethics portion of his education so that he is informed of current statutes and follows them.

    Thanks for having the courage to share your story and provide such detailed and important feedback on this forum.

    Best of luck to you moving forward and finding a therapist who can meet your needs.

  • Anne

    April 7th, 2015 at 9:57 AM

    Dear Lance,
    I suffered from anxiety attacks in traffic, on bridges, and sometimes other open places for 20 years. Please press on, I wished often after it was all over (and it CAN be all over!)that I’d gotten help sooner, but we tend to want to keep it a secre– or I did, anyway. Please keep digging, and let the therapist dig as much as possible! I wish you well, I tried self-medicating but drinking is such a temporary lift.
    I wish you well.

  • skrillab

    April 13th, 2015 at 12:51 PM

    Can I report a therapist that isn’t mine? My fiance recently went to rehab and her therapist basicly tried to ruin our relationship. She would not allow us phone calls or visits when I was the only person who helped her with her addiction and got her into rehab in the first place. We kept contact through letters. I’ve written nothing but supportive things to her. My girl would write me for weeks saying the therapist will soon give us visits. After months went by I soon realized her therapist had her own agenda. So I wrote my girl telling her the therapist was lying to her. When I received a reply I had a vicious letter from my girl saying her therapist found my letter repulsive and that I’m just trying to ruin her recovery and blah blah. Completely untrue statements her therapist put in her head. But finally I was invited fo a family session with my girl. So finally I met her therapist. My girl broke up with me at the session and the counselor told me when my girl graduates she will be going to a safe place as in sober living. My girl graduated as soon as she was out she came to my place and told me she would have not been Allowed to graduate if she didn’t dump me and that she was back at her moms and that the therapist had lied to me about my girl having a safe place to go. Were back together cuz my girl staged the break up to graduate. But to me that’s not right. The lady had a problem with me cuz I called her out on her shit therefore she lied, tried to ruin our relationship and basicly tried to put poison in my girls head about me for her own selfish reasons. Can I report her for that?

  • Anne

    April 13th, 2015 at 2:31 PM

    No.

  • Sandy A.

    April 13th, 2015 at 4:22 PM

    You may not be able to report it, but being biased against loved ones IS on the list of “50 Signs of Questionable Therapy”. My BF’s therapist was similarly biased, and he eventually could see her lack of professionalism and cut it off himself (thankfully) – reviewing the list above did help. So many bad therapists out there! I sympathize with everyone who has complained here.

  • Kiki

    April 14th, 2015 at 9:06 PM

    This list is really helpful. I’ve seen several therapists/psychiatrists over the years mostly because I was seeing fellows at the beginning. I’ve been seeing my current therapist for over a year now and have seen some progress. I’ve seen a few exceptionally wonderful therapists that have been SO helpful, it’s been pulling at me to consider finding a new one since my current T hasn’t been living up to my expectations. However I think the first step is to just tell her what is and isn’t working for me, since she can’t read my mind.

  • Kiki

    April 14th, 2015 at 9:16 PM

    I’ve definitely had lousy psychiatrists/therapists in the past who made me feel worse about myself and didn’t take me seriously or really listen to me. When I was 16, I was suffering from severe mood swings and truly thought I was having symptoms of BPD, told my therapist and just said “No you don’t.” I had only seen her for 4 or 5 sessions up until then. She suddenly changed topic and then when I tried to go back and ask her why she didn’t think so she would’t give me an answer and just kept talking about something else.
    She went on a maternity leave and didn’t keep in touch with me whatsoever, never a call or a check-in. Started to see a new person for my medication and am much happier.

  • Mary S

    April 16th, 2015 at 7:56 PM

    Kiki,
    Sadly, I’ve so often encountered things such as you describe — where I say something about myself, and the therapist denies it, with no explanation; then when I ask a question, they change the subject. That’s not professional. Clients deserve explanations, and deserve serious consideration of their questions.

  • Robert T

    April 19th, 2015 at 1:44 PM

    3 years ago, I was a involved in an automobile accident. I was injured pretty severely. I began having nightmares and difficulty in everyday situations. I decided I should see a therapist. At first, he helped me cope and understand it was normal to have these feelings. As time went on, he became incredibly interested in my personal injury lawsuit. It was a financially draining process. I was off work and desperate. My therapist offered to loan me money. He insisted I pay him 5 percent of whatever I get from my lawsuit. He was deposed for the lawsuit and admitted that he exaggerated my condition to ‘help’ me. He also coached me on what to say during my deposition and testimony during trial. He also pushed me to give testimony of treatment that he never provided to me. I just feel so guilty and alone because I lied, and can’t tell anyone. I know I am worse off now than when I started with him 3 years ago. We hardly ever talked about my mental condition. It was always about the lawsuit. My therapist even called several attorney friends of his to get legal advice about my lawsuit when I was already represented. I feel so overwhelmed by his influence, that I don’t know what to do. I am in a nightmare. My attorney does not want me to change therapist now, because he could chance his opinion if I fire him. Can someone please give me some sound advice on how to proceed.

  • Sandy A

    April 20th, 2015 at 3:07 PM

    Robert, this indeed sounds like a nightmare and I’m so sorry you find yourself in this situation. I’m not qualified to give “sound advice”, but I wanted to offer my compassion at what a difficult situation you are in.

    What comes to mind is meditating on the question of what would feel best/most right for you? When you close your eyes and imagine either firing the therapist – cutting all ties – or keeping this up for the duration, which feels lighter, happier, freer? I tend to think that the “truth always sets us free” and following your heart here may best serve the situation.

    I sincerely wish you well. This therapist is so unethical that it is truly alarming.

  • Robert T

    April 25th, 2015 at 7:55 PM

    Thank you for your support Sandy. I have audio and video of my therapist admitting to my allegations. I plan on exposing him and stopping him from doing this to anybody else.

  • Al

    April 21st, 2015 at 1:28 AM

    I am required by the courts to go to three months of counseling once a week and an alcohol class once a week. When I started my counseling sessions I came to the counsellors office. When I arrived she informed me that I would be doing my sessions with her intern. This took me by surprise because he was a man and I have never been counseled by a man, I am female. Also I was not pre notified that she would not be counseling me. I went with it because I did not feel comfortable protesting. After about three sessions with the intern, she switched the sessions to counseling with her personally. Which was very disruptive I felt, but once again I did not feel comfortable saying anything. This was the time I had a received a violation on my probation. I was honest with the police, my counselor, and the judge. The police did not detain me because it was one beer and I was honest with them. My counselor and her intern asked me numerous times why they did not arrest me. I told them because it was just one beer and that I was honest about consuming the beer. At my hearing my counselor had sent the judge a review for that hearing and it stated I was not taking the program seriously because I kept saying “it was just one.” She is the one that asked me more than once why they did not arrest me and then took my answer out of context. After the hearing I continued the counseling and classes. She started discussing my abusive relationship and “jerk” of a boyfriend in front of the entire class. She also asked if I had found a job. I replied that I have a job, commissioned artist, and she stated that,”Oh that’s right, you need a job for social reasons,” in front of the entire class. The next counseling session I had with her I expressed how I did not feel comfortable with her discussing my private life or what we discuss in counseling with the class. She said she did that because she was asking people in the class what their triggers to drink were or examples of triggers. She said my answer was unsatisfactory and decided to call me out. It was humiliating and gave me extreme anxiety about ever seeing her or those people again. The next counseling session after politely asking her not to discuss what we talk about publicly she said she no longer was going to counsel me, that I am making no progress, cussed me out, said she wants to get this done and I can go back to smoking pot and drinking. I have 60 days sober since the violation, I am going to extra meeting every week, I got a sponsor, I am about to start the steps with my sponsor, I have more clients through my artwork, I don’t feel as depressed, I have been getting more excercise, I have made amends, I have gone to every class and counseling session (never called out sick or rescheduled). She also forgot major details of my life in every sessions, like where I am from… She never remembered what discussed the session before. I had three weeks left, three counseling sessions and three classes. Now that she has refused to do the counseling sessions I now have six weeks left which goes over my deadline with the courts. I now have to ask for an extension, pay more for my probabtion, and might have to talk to the judge. I am very scared. She said I was disruptive in class and wasn’t being honest with her. I have been more honest with her than anyone in the past year. I have not been disruptive at all. We discussed this in the first two classes. Numerous people are disruptive and I do not distract anyone from learning. She conviently brought all of this up after I politely asked her not to discuss what we discuss in counseling with the class. I’m very scared as I have a suspended sentence, I have been compliant with everything, hadn’t had another violation, working very hard at my sobriety, and I feel she is going lie, bash me and I feel I have no power or credibility with the judge. I feel I going to have an anxiety attack. I was so close to being done and even after that I was going to continue my AA meetings and continue my sobriety. Any advice would be great. I feel very anxious and overwhelmed. I feel violated.

  • Anne

    April 21st, 2015 at 2:53 PM

    I don’t quite understand; any Breathilizer test would have shown your alcohol level. Wasn’t one given? The results of that would eliminate all further discussions, it seems to me, of “one” beer or not “one” beer. I am not familiar with no arrest, but orders to attend therapy sessions and go to AA.
    Was this in the USA?

  • Al

    April 21st, 2015 at 7:10 PM

    I was already on probabtion and in counseling at the time of the violation. I was suppose to be off probation that next day but I had one beer the day before and probation showed up to my house. They did breathalyze me but they did not arrest me because I was honest with them about consuming beer. So they filed a violation and then I got a hearing date. I made a horrible choice and learned from that experience. I admitted that I got a violation filed to my counselor. She repeatedly asked why they did not arrest me. I told her I was honest with them and it was only a beer. If it was more than a beer then they would of arrested me. She told me she wished they would of arrested me, which shocked me. She sent a letter to the judge for taking what I said in reply to the numerous questions of why I was not arrested out of context saying I kept saying it was just one beer and not taking the classes seriously. Which is not true.

  • Anne

    April 23rd, 2015 at 6:22 AM

    She probably thinks you are not taking the restrictions seriously, since you violated them, by one day or one beer.
    She probably thinks if you were taking it seriously, you would not have violated, either by one day or one beer.
    Speculation only here, on what she probably thinks, and also that beer may be a problem, rather than the therapist.

  • Al

    April 23rd, 2015 at 7:53 PM

    Well the violation was two months ago and after that I went to extra AA meetings. I have a little more than 60 days sober. I have been going to every counseling session, class, and AA meeting. During a class she started discussing the jerk I am dating and that I need a part time job for social reasons. I am a commissioned artist and make my living off that. I have a social life now with going to AA. Last week I asked very politely not to discuss what we discuss in counseling in from of my peers in class. After I politely asked that of her the next counseling session she said she did not want to do the one on ones any more and that I would just do the classes. She then cussed at me and said she wants this case closed so I can get back to boozing and smoking pot. I have told her numerous times that I want to continue my sobriety even after the case is closed.

  • Michelle

    April 24th, 2015 at 11:02 AM

    It’s horrifying to read how many bad therapists are out there.

  • Awilda R

    April 24th, 2015 at 7:33 PM

    Suggestion Red Flag: One Therapist tells you they don’t think its in my best interest for me to go to work privately with a Therapist who works at the same clinic, but doesn’t give you a reason for why.

  • Matthew

    April 25th, 2015 at 9:44 PM

    Having read many of these posts and having “worked” with four different therapists over the past thirty years (Yes. 30 YEARS!) I think I’m well-qualified to say that the ENTIRE profession of psychotherapy is in need of a complete investigation into its own “professionalism.” Rather its LACK of professionalism.

    In my experience–whether that experienbce can be considered “typical” or not–too many counselors and therapists seem content with the diploma hanging on their wall that they earned fifteen to twenty-five years ago and feel no need to crack a book since… to constantly keep up with the advances being made every day. Too many approach the profession not as a “profession” but rather as a hobby; something to do to earn egg money… to add a few bucks to their bank account.

    The last counselor I saw made it plain that he failed completely to realize that many if not all the people coming to him had issues of life and death! He seemed to consider the problems I wished to discuss with him were instead merely trivial, not a matter of my own sanity… my own life.

    As I walked out his office door for the last time I told him “You need to retire. You have no idea that what you’re doing verges on the criminal. Shame on you! All he said in return was “OK. See you around.”

    I left his office and as I drove the freeway to go back home, I seriously considered speeding up my vehicle as fast as it would go and crash into a bridge abutment, hoping that would be the end of it all. I credit myself,–my own resilience–for saving myself. I’m still struggling but have come to the conclusion that the only person on whom I can rely for my own sanity is MYSELF, not a counselor who apparently is more in need of help than am I.

    The life I am living is the ONLY life I will ever live. I will not be back to correct all the mistakes I make and must (and am) doing the best I can do to live my life as fully as I am able… to make the best of this, my one and only life. (To those who think there is “life after death” in some form or other and as their particular religion may teach them, I understand your need for the comfort that belief offers, but the comfort I receive is of another kind altogether, a form of comfort that frees me from any fear of death. Perhaps there are others who may gain comfort from these thoughts, while others may only become more afraid. I intend them only as expressions of my own thinking… my own view of life… my own view of life on this amazingly beautiful planet, Earth… the only planet I will ever expedrience. I call this list my “List of Life’s ‘What If’s.'” These things do not keep me up awake at night. They instead keep me awake during all my days. I credit a very, very good friend of mine for all these things.

    !. What if your model of reality was 200 years old? Guess what… it is.
    2. What if you’re asleep to an evolving and emerging consciousness?… Guess what, you probably are.
    3. What if there aren’t seven easy steps to total bliss and “much, much more” and what if no one can do it for you? Guess what… no one else can.
    4. What if change is an ally unless you resist it, in which case it becomes a terminal disease?
    5. What if things like Chaos Theory and Quantum Physics are completely rewriting the parameters of our world but you can’t even see the train leaving the station?
    6. What if questions are more important than answers, and what if the questions change as your own world view changes, and what if the answers you find are fossils of a dying paradigm?
    7. What if everyone’s consciousness rises out of the same quantum soup which means that we are ALL totally connected? Guess what… we are.
    8. What if there is no arrival in life because it is the living of lifw which is itself the goal?
    9. What if life is really about living compulsively committed to the present and being continuously in awe of the endless miracles available to us on this miraculous planet?
    10. What if there is no arrival in life because it is the journey itself which is the goal?
    11. What if life is about finding one’s own persona meaning, awakening to one’s own soul, and joyfully supporting others… over and over and over and over. Guess what? It is.

    The life we are living isn’t a drill! It’s REAL! This is it! We decide to do our best and to BE our best.. or we do not. The decision is each of our own selves to make. We each will live or die by our own decision.

    I have chosen to live. May each of you who may read this choose to live also. Be well.

  • Michelle

    April 29th, 2015 at 10:17 AM

    You are 100%correct, thank you for posting this and for not letting a pathetic excuse for a human being cause you to end your life.

  • Rebekah

    April 29th, 2015 at 10:54 AM

    I’ve been seeing a therapist for close to a year trying to create a plan to leave a very abusive relationship. I’m hesitant in exiting abruptly because of the type of abuser I’m with. The abuser was a officer until recently (when I tried to leave) and is very smart and manipulative. I found out about two days ago that my abuser (whom waits in the waiting room during my sessions) has been writing letters to my therapist for almost the entire time I’ve been seeing her. Again my therapist never told me until a couple of days ago. At that point I politely asked for them and also asked why she had never told me and even accepted them in the first place. Upon reading the letters I discovered the usual distortions, manipulations, and rearranging of factual events. Some things were entirely made up all together. I’ve struggled going on 5 years with attempts to leave this person and this has just left me beat down. Majority of the letters were my abuser spinning what they’re doing to me to make it seem like I’m the abusive one doing it to them. They have been self inflicting harm as well as harming me in various ways but arranging it to be able to….well I hate to say this because it may sound paranoid…set me up to take the fall and cover their tracks. Now I have things and witnesses that contradict the stories but I can’t help but feel betrayed by my therapist. There is a natural fear of police involvement due to their connections especially in the city we’re in (family ex-coworkers etc.) Is there any reason for my therapist have kept this to herself? Is there any reason she should have even accepted the letters at all? I can’t help but feeling trapped,betrayed and in my abusers game all over again. My abuser has already threatened there being only one way out (referring to suicide) and any other option to leave would be controlled by them and miserable for me. They’ve also threatened to kill me more then once. I know I’m stronger then giving such negative statements from them leverage in my life. I’m a strong believer in if there is a will there is a way. Can anyone give advice on this please? I thought I was making progress but now I just feel I’m back to having to defend my innocence all over again and that my progress has just been undermined. I know feel there is a hold on me once again. Should I seek new help? My abuser and I don’t do anything without each other and if we do there is usually some form of retaliation and abuse against me. Advice please.

  • The GoodTherapy.org Team

    April 29th, 2015 at 11:52 AM

    Thank you for your comment, Rebekah. We wanted to provide links to some resources that may be relevant to you here. We have more information about domestic violence at https://www.goodtherapy.org/therapy-for-domestic-violence.html and additional information about what to do in a crisis at https://www.goodtherapy.org/in-crisis.html

    Warm regards,
    The GoodTherapy.org Team

  • Bdub

    May 1st, 2015 at 1:22 PM

    Hi All,

    I’m in CA, recently started COUPLES therapy with a new therapist. I asked if I could record the sessions with her and my wife because:

    a. I think it would be helpful to review what’s happened
    b. In my opinion, my wife has a history of hearing something completely different and/or inserting things that weren’t said, and I think a recorded session would allow us to go back and review exactly what was said, committed to, recommended, etc.

    My therapist starting spouting off all the stuff that felt like BS to me on why it would be unethical and illegal to record it (HIPPA, CA Law, privacy, etc.).

    Am I out of line here? I think if I have everyone’s informed consent (wife & therapist), there should be no issue recording? Or if my therapist is the only one who won’t allow the recording, that seems an issue to me too.

    Would love honest feedback. Thanks!

  • Edify

    May 10th, 2015 at 7:36 PM

    Was just into my second visit of couples therapy and wish I had a recorder on so I could replay what was just said so my (ex) “therapist” could have his memory jogged.
    I would say something I thought was important to redirect his gist and he would rephrase my statement and change the content. Rinse repeat… Repeat. Ended up suggesting a little more delicacy might be in order and, he raised his paper cup to me!

  • Michelle

    May 13th, 2015 at 1:07 AM

    I would consider recording covertly anyway. It is always useful for you to listen to again, it’s too easy to forget everything you discuss in your sessions.

  • Mary

    May 13th, 2015 at 5:41 PM

    I am pretty sure it is illegal do the therapist secretly records with out you knowing. My friend has a therapist that don’t do crap and goes on her phone. doesnt help her at all. Even when she had panic attacks I am the only one who knows what to do, I am a year younger than her. I am pretty sure if the therapist is on her phone your not allowed to use your phone if your a therapist while in session because it’s the same with counselors. And they could be doing stuff like twitting it and you cannot speak about the shit you talk about in there with anyone else. So to me I think that you should be able to record it. Or just what the therapist says or if you are Despret you secretly use your phone and record it but in your pocket. I’d do that if I had to. Wow very long response 😋😑

  • Jaicey

    May 4th, 2015 at 2:05 PM

    BEST THERAPEUTIC ADVICE:
    STAY AWAY FROM PEOPLE:
    ESPECIALLY “PROFESSIONALS” – IN IT FOR THE MONEY ONLY!

    TRUST NO ONE!

    LIVE YOUR LIFE ON YOUR TERMS, MYOB & TELL EVERYONE ELSE TO DO THE SAME! AMEN

  • Anne

    May 15th, 2015 at 3:37 AM

    If you have serious mental health issues, PTSD, suicidal thoughts, etc., make sure your care is at least overseen by a Phd psychologist or psychiatrist. Preferably see a psychiatrist or psychologist as your primary treatment. Many less qualified therapists will tell you they can help. They are either unable to realize that your condition is beyond their experience or they know and attempt to treat you for the money. I spent too much money and time on dumb therapists that knew less than I do about mental illness. PhDs and MDs are the only ones that know how to treat serious issues. You may think you just have depression, but depression is a symptom of many complex conditions.

  • SAM

    May 17th, 2015 at 7:12 AM

    Hello All! As someone who suffers from Bipolar I, who has been committed to state institutions for long periods of time, and has been in therapy without significant breaks since 1999 (my first psychotic break), I agree that there are many, really unfortunate therapists out there. I agree that, as someone else said, I have never met a perfect one. However, this is because every therapist I have had has been a human being. Fact: humans are flawed. Fact: humans make mistakes, even therapists. The therapeutic relationship is just that, a relationship. What makes one therapist terrible for you may make her great for someone else. While I agree that the items on this list are very important things to watch for, not all of them are deal breakers. You must decide what is best for you. Similarly, while we all have a list of things we would like or not accept in a marital partner (another type of relationship), we frequently make trade-offs based on the relative importance of each desire. For instance, my first therapist frequently fell asleep during our sessions. However, he was brilliant, did more therapy in the time he was awake then some do in a dozen sessions, and he was 82 years old. It was a trade-off. Yes, it was hurtful that I could not hold his attention for a full 50 minutes, but he was human and flawed and I accepted that about him, thus allowing me to benefit from his great wisdom during his last years as a therapist. I had another therapist who was by-the-book ethical: never talked about herself, was always on time, ended on time, set clear boundaries, and NEVER gave advice. She was also awesome. However, the most awesome thing she did for me was to violate her ethical standards. After struggling in a 20-year conservative Christian marriage, it was clear to everyone else but me that I was gay. I despised myself for it, prayed endlessly to be changed, and came to therapy with the goal of having sexual desire for my husband only. After years of watching me become more and more suicidal and disabled as I became more and more aware of my true sexual desires, in a moment of weakness, she gave her opinion, “I just wish you could meet some nice lesbian and be happy.” Breakthrough. By her saying that, it gave me permission to be honest with myself and consider a life in which I did not want to be dead every second of the day. Because of her lapse in ethics, I left my husband, we divorced, and we are both happily remarried. Most importantly, it was the turning point in me getting my life back. I have steadily improved since that time, have gotten a doctorate in a mental health field, and an a practicing mental health professional. I say all this to say that, while red flags are important, and there are definitely some that are absolutely verboten in ANY situation, therapists are human beings, just like you. Moreover, while it may be true that some personal flaws absolutely disqualify us from working in mental health, it is sometimes FLAWS that uniquely QUALIFY us to help others. Take-away point: be acutely aware of red flags, but also be balanced in how you evaluate them. Your therapist may hold the key to your improvement, but you might miss it if you expect it to come in a perfect package.

  • Mary S

    June 11th, 2015 at 4:41 PM

    SAM,

    I agree with you that there are always tradeoffs, that no therapist is perfect, and that what is good for one client may be bad for another. But there are still some problems with what you say. Some particulars:

    1. I don’t see how what your therapist did was unethical — many therapists give advice. Possibly her style of therapy frowned upon it, but one sign of a good therapist is realizing that one size doesn’t fit all, and “rules” may sometimes need to be broken to be a good therapist.

    2. One big problem is that there are no good mechanisms for clients to make an informed choice of therapist. It is a little better now, with the web, than when I first tried therapy (almost 30) years ago). But what therapists put on their websites gives very little information that would be useful in choosing a therapist. And “rate your therapist” sites have real problems with either lack of confidentiality, or negative comments being removed. I can find really good customer reviews of a lawn mower, giving both pros and cons, that can help me decide which mower is best for me. There is nothing similar for therapists. I would like to see therapists participating in “review” sites that explicitly ask for both positives and negatives, allowing clients to make informed choices.

    3. One thing that I wish I had thought of earlier in therapy was to sit down and try to separate the wheat from the chaff in what my therapist had to give. It was quite enlightening to find that I found no wheat — it was all chaff. So if someone is having uncertainty about whether or not to quit a therapist, I recommend the wheat/chaff exercise. If it’s not all chaff, then try to decide if the wheat outweighs the chaff or vice versa. With the last therapist I tried, the wheat outweighed the chaff for a while, but then the balance changed. — therapy with him was two steps forward and one step back — but at least I was able to quit at that point.

  • Sandy A.

    May 22nd, 2015 at 9:13 AM

    Sam, this is so exceptionally well written and communicated – point well taken. Thank you.

  • Counsellor Dean Richardson MBACP(Accred)

    May 29th, 2015 at 6:00 AM

    Interesting article, Noah.

    My primary concern, however, is that several “warning signs” appear to ignore the fact that there’s a therapeutic *relationship* going on between client and counsellor.

    Counselling isn’t “done” to a client, it’s an intimate relationship; a therapeutic alliance, where work is achieved together.

    Points that stand out to me are:-

    *Counselor talks too much / Therapist does not talk at all.
    – I’d wonder why the client isn’t asking the counsellor to speak less (or more) as it’s the client’s right to challenge what’s happening in the relationship.

    * Therapist focuses on thoughts and cognition at the exclusion of feelings and somatic experience. / Counselor focuses on feelings and somatic experience at the exclusion of thoughts, insight, and cognitive processing.

    – if the counsellor is following the language of the client, then this event is quite possible. Should the client be dissatisfied with this, it could be important to speak up so that the counsellor can notice their processes in relationship to the client (eg a client who never speaks in “emotions” may be defensive about doing so but may not realise it; a discerning counsellor aught not to force a client to talk in ways that are uncomfortable, but if the client is wondering why the counsellor never talks about emotions bring this up for discussion could be very valuable).

    Valid points in other parts of the article.
    BW,
    Dean Richardson

  • Mary S

    June 11th, 2015 at 5:13 PM

    Dean,

    Some points you didn’t seem to consider in your post:

    1. “there’s a therapeutic *relationship* going on between client and counsellor. ”

    Ideally, there is a therapeutic relationship. But not all client/counsellor relationships are therapeutic. The warning signs are indeed often signs that the relationship is not a therapeutic one for that particular client.

    2. “Counselling isn’t “done” to a client, it’s an intimate relationship; a therapeutic alliance, where work is achieved together.”

    Ideally, counselling isn’t “done” to the client. But in practice, sometimes it is de facto something the counsellor “does” to the client. For example, the degree of intimacy and the pacing of introduction of intimacy that is therapeutic varies from client to client. If the therapist imposes too much intimacy too quickly, then the effect is that something is being “done” to the client. For example, it may appear to the client that they are being treated as an object for gratification of the therapist’s desire for intimacy.

    3. “I’d wonder why the client isn’t asking the counsellor to speak less (or more) as it’s the client’s right to challenge what’s happening in the relationship”

    You seem to have overlooked the possibility that the client may have sought therapy in part or in whole because they need learn to speak up. This in fact was a big part of why I went to therapy. I did manage to speak up sometimes when what the therapist did didn’t make sense, but I typically got negative responses for doing so. (e.g., “Are you sure you’re not second guessing me?” “Do you realize that you’re asking me to give up my control?” “I have my reasons.”) My social anxieties got a whole lot worse with this kind of “treatment”.

    4. “…bring this up for discussion could be very valuable”. This brings up the same potential problems as item 3. In addition, the therapist may not be willing to discuss matters the client brings up. This has been largely my experience — they just make some kind of declarative statement (e.g., “You need [whatever they were doing]”, or they may just remain silent. In my experience, therapy is no place to go for help if you need help in learning to be assertive!

  • Jim

    May 29th, 2015 at 8:53 PM

    Interesting.
    My fiancé and I were seeing premarital counseling for several months that seemed endless. I had originally made the appointment to get help in communication for us. In weekly meetings for 7 months, communication was worse. One night after a private meeting, my fiancé came home and said the therapist told her she “needed to be with someone who’s ‘made it.'” I thought she meant ambition. Apparently, the therapist meant “someone who is whole,” apparently no issues or baggage. Furthermore, my fiancé was told that she needed to “end it tonight, stop giving mixed signals,” and to “stay out of my way” in the future. my fiancé came home, broke up with me and left that night. To try to gain some idea of what happened, I continued to see this therapist. In one session, she told me she “felt” my ex never was vested in our 2 relationship and that she felt my ex “never really loved me.” This has been devastating for me and my ex won’t speak to me because she is “staying out of my way.”

  • Ted

    June 4th, 2015 at 1:35 AM

    I’m very sorry that this happened to you. I came here looking for validation on my negative experiences in my current couples therapy sessions. I’d like to see warning signs specifically targeting premarital therapy.

  • Joyce

    June 10th, 2015 at 5:29 PM

    My husband has spit on me, pushed me, hit me, broken my belongings, and called me names. Our therapist told me if I gave him unconditional love he will stop. He also told me I’m blaming the victim (my husband) because he had a bad childhood. A lot of the times the abuse would happen before counseling. I would go into counseling upset. My therapist said he can tell because I am often upset during counseling, that I contribute a lot to our marriage problems. He said he believes I’m high maintenance at home. When I tell him that’s not true, he says “I’m the therapist” or “I’m the professional”. He told me I could leave my abusive husband but I will be right back here with the next guy I’m with. I find this to be off because before my husband, none of my boyfriends were abusive. The therapist accused me of lying about my past relationships. He also didn’t believe that my dad is super nice, he is convinced my dad was abusive. The therapist also told me he can read people in the first 5 minutes of meeting them.

  • GoodTherapy Admin

    June 11th, 2015 at 1:46 PM

    Thank you for your comment, Joyce. We wanted to provide links to some resources that may be relevant to you here. We have more information about domestic violence at https://www.goodtherapy.org/therapy-for-domestic-violence.html and additional information about what to do in a crisis at https://www.goodtherapy.org/in-crisis.html

    Warm regards,
    The GoodTherapy.org Team

  • Mary S

    June 11th, 2015 at 4:21 PM

    Anne,
    Unfortunately, being a Ph.D. psychologist or psychiatrist is no guarantee of competence. I’ve had pretty bad experiences with Ph.D. psychologists and one psychiatrist. So you still have to be careful that you’ve got someone competent — the degree is no guarantee. Indeed, some (I don’t think all) psychiatrists end up as psychiatrists because no other specialization would accept them for internship/residency. And some Ph.D. psychology therapy programs are offered by “institutes” or universities of questionable qualification. Even graduates of Ph.D. programs at reputable institutions vary tremendously in their quality. Also, there is little quality control of their supervisors when they are interns. And supervision may consist of just one meeting a week between supervisor and intern, where the supervisor has no first-hand knowledge (just the intern’s account) of what went on in the intern’s sessions with clients. There even could be big problems with the intern’s work that they never even mention to the supervisor — or maybe that they are not even aware are problems or even unethical.

  • Michelle L.

    June 12th, 2015 at 12:18 PM

    What do you do if your current therapist pushes her religion and her beliefs on you and during every scheduled session?

  • Olivia

    June 12th, 2015 at 3:34 PM

    What do you do if you find out your therapist has done one or several of these things? Better yet, what do you find out if your therapist was never a therapist, has taken your money, and will not issue receipts for you to give your insurance company for reimbursement?

  • Judy J.

    June 18th, 2015 at 10:06 AM

    Counselor refers to books easily obtained on the market that you have already read, and which have everyday coping skills you have used for many years. Counselor offers nothing new that applies to your particular problems and spends your time for counseling obtaining minute personal history to the extent that you have NO time left for interaction and solutions for your current day problems.

  • Amanda

    June 19th, 2015 at 9:00 AM

    My therapist/counselor constantly interrupts me when I’m explaining something. Normally that annoys the bejesus out of me, but it’s important that she understands where I’m coming from, otherwise, how can she help? So I will answer whatever question, then continue to explain. She interrupts again, again I answer and continue. Finally, before I’m done, she interjects her judgement and of course she has the wrong idea of setting because she DIDNT LISTEN. Then I have to spend the rest of my session trying to set it straight while she’s constantly interrupting, still. I’m pretty sure that therapy is adding to my anxiety issues, rather than decreasing them because I absolutely hate being interrupted and it makes it worse when she PROVES why you shouldn’t interrupt people while they are talking. This is the first time I’ve been to a counselor, and I gotta tell y’all; it’s gonna probably be the last. I can honestly deal with my emotional issues myself better than I can with someone that acts like that and I dot have the money to bouncy back and forth trying to find a good one.

  • natalie

    June 19th, 2015 at 9:50 AM

    As a therapist, I appreciate all of the comments, and this list for that matter!

    For those who have therapists doing these things, I recommend telling your therapist how you feel about them. most therapists with decent training know these things. and if your therapist is competent enough, they will receive your concerns, and remedy the situation. if they cannot, it’s best to move on!

    It’s wonderful to see such a great, clear list, and I’m happy to see that pretty much all of this I adhere to. The one thing I disagree with is never disclosing about having been in therapy before. I have done this with clients who struggle with judgment/stigma and anxiety about therapy. Doing my own personal work led to my desire to become a therapist. Especially when asked, I will say that I believe in therapy because I have been helped by it. That is true for me!!

  • Nicole

    June 22nd, 2015 at 6:07 AM

    First I’d like to say very good list and good job on putting it out there that we all have our eyes open and recognise the signs of an incompetent counsellor. I have my degree in counselling which was something I was reading a lot on plus the experience with friends and people I didn’t even know that lead me to want to be a counsellor and took the course, to me it was like a calling. At the moment my husband is going to counselling and the person he is seeing seems to be just listening digging into his childhood and past but not checking to see if he is doing his home work such as applying methods of what he learns to when he sets foot out her house. She has claimed to have 34years of experience in this field but sometimes I fill some people say they are counsellors and they know how to do their job through the years they’ve been around and piece of paper string that they are qualified but it all comes down to the skills and method which you applie and if you haven’t got the right skills then how do you help the clients my husband is the same he don’t apply anything and says she only listen and talk about his past.some people do all the right things just to get the qualification then after do what they like or what they class as beneficial and it’s just not right at all.

  • R Austen

    June 22nd, 2015 at 10:05 AM

    Im currently seeing a new therapist and haven’t had therapy before so its all rather new to me. Firstly, I’m gay and have had a past history of abuse and parental dysfunction and alcohol abuse. I suffer from anxiety and PTSD, due to panic attacks I’m now on medication and feel a lot better. My therapist was actually my GP and knows and has treated my partner and various family members so I found that helpful that she had insight to my life so to speak. On a initial appointment she suggested that we conduct our sessions as though she is just a wise, good friend- fine by me- so I just talked. After sharing some heavy stuff on leaving I would give her a hug and thank her although I could feel it wasn’t natural for her to do so…anyway, four or five sessions in we became a lot closer, we laugh a lot and get on really well. I was upset on a particular day from having an now x partner call her and abuse me- embarrassed- i emailed her and told her how devastated i felt- she called me and we talk for about an hour. The following appointment was lovely, we talked openly, she felt worried i had her on a pedestal, i assured her that wasn’t the case but that i admired her- she told me that she thinks I’m ‘fantastic’ we hugged and i left- i had arranged reception to give her a small bunch of flowers after i left for having had called me- as i felt that was a session not paid for. My following appointment after that was weird- theres not other word to describe it- I was looking forward to telling her my news of moving state, finishing a relationship, big things she was aware i was doing- from the outset, she seems stiff and well, very different toward me..she began discussing pain (as i have a nerve pain condition) which was the last thing i wanted to discuss..mindfulness etc..I kept trying to revert back to what i wanted to discuss but she kept going back to pain levels and was just weird- she thanked me abruptly for the flowers, I explained why i bought them (her being kind enough to call me) and she said’ oh god, don’t start that again’ and when i began to get emotional she pointed at a box of tissues and said ‘so whats with that? the tears?’…then her mobile phone went off and she glanced at it and said its not important, continue but left it ringing…it was so unlike all my previous visits- it was almost as though she was ‘pulling back’ thats how i felt…i got up to leave, she opened the door for me, no hug was happening and i left. I was really bemused and upset… after a few days i emailed her saying that i wouldn’t be returning and she called me sounding stressed, she said in her voicemail message that she didn’t feel as though she was any different- she was a GP not the therapist ‘friend’ she had been so mixed messages. Then she called an osteo friend at my pain clinic to ask her to call me to see if i was ok but not to say she had asked her to…
    I emailed my therapist yesterday and just said if she wants to know how i am please call me directly. So, I feel like crap- I know she’s a sweet, caring person so I have no idea what went on…perhaps she thought there was some ‘transference’ me being gay etc…but I honestly felt a shift in her. I don’t want to go back but do miss the chats we did have- simpatico- I’m not sure what to do? Can anyone suggest? Thank you

  • Anna

    June 24th, 2015 at 2:34 AM

    I am SO glad I’ve come across this. I recently was having “transactional analysis” therapy with a woman. She presented a number of these red flags and I felt extremely angry with her. This also happened with another female therapist, and again I can see a number of red flags. Yet my transactional analysis therapist told me that I was angry against my mother and desired the attention from my father and this was the reason. However, the transactional analysist therapist, it was YOUR fault, not mine. She was always forgetting what time my appointment was and the trying to blame it on me and give me a card with the time written on when I always had my appointment at 4:30 on a Friday, she would open the door at say she thought it was a 1pm and then act as if it was my fault saying “it’s okay you know.. ” ETC. She would talk about herself the ENTIRE time. Telling me all about her problems and her school experience and what SHE does. This made me laugh to be honest, she says that she goes into a social situation and says “hello fellow table gatherers” and no one replies to her (this to her is a funny social “experiment”) – obviously does not realize that people do not act like this because it is simply not a normal social conduct. People that do not know each other will tend to slowly open up to one other and to know each other. She says that after that no-one will speak to her, she finds this funny apparently, but of course I couldn’t say anything as I could not get a word in edge ways which was extremely frustrating, I’m paying for a session to express myself and for you to help me, not the other way round..
    Writing this I realize that I need to express my anger towards her(!)
    During one session, which still makes me a bit mad, I feel like it was a complete joke and was of money. She spent the WHOLE hour sitting next to me and doodling or showing me a couple of her doodles which are her “art work” – for the whole hour. I paid money for that.. 20minutes or so, fine.. But the whole hour.. I got absoloutly nothing out of it.
    I didn’t stop sooner as there were times when she would be very understanding and that she knew what she was doing and told me what she would do to help me and then the next time no mention of it whatsoever and she would appear very weird in her behaviour. She also criticized my family. She would always TELL me what I should or shouldn’t do. She said that I was a “perfect client” – saying that some people don’t do anything and then wonder why they aren’t feeling better. What she fails to realize is that you need to guide someone their, you cannot tell someone what to do, help them along the way sure but they can come to that realisation theirself.
    Along with the other female therapist, she disclosed information about other clients to me, she even told me that my friend (mentioned their name) had come and told me the reason why and that this person needed me(!!)
    So much for confidentiality.. I was annoyed aswell as I then felt hurt that my friend hadn’t wanted to tell me she had been to therapy and saw the therapist, although she had just been twice and I have been going to therapy for over a year for much deeper issues I was dealing with, anyhow.
    She then proceeded to mention that I didn’t have cancer, it wasn’t like my mother was in hospital dealing with scoliosis as some of her other patients had, or something along those lines, making me feel horrendous and even more guilty about being depressed.

  • R Austen

    June 24th, 2015 at 9:01 AM

    wow Anna, Thank your sharing that, it appears it does happen frequently. It’s unfortunate now that having been treated that way, I don’t wish to go back. I know however that i did nothing wrong and the ‘weirdness’ was from her side of things- she didn’t want to hear my view on that appointment nor how it made me feel…she just had no explanation apart from her ‘needing boundaries’…i bought up the fact that it was her who suggested we talk as friends (good friends) so now she pulls back and wants it to be clinical and doctoral..so i left feeling hurt, confused and it’s a shame because i felt she was a support to me. I feel perhaps she thought there was some ‘transference’ going on…but it wasn’t from me. anyway, I think i’m done with therapy now- i have tried so many times and seem to attract weirdo’s…lol
    thank you for your reply, interesting ‘art work’ gosh…no words!

  • Colleen B.

    June 25th, 2015 at 8:43 AM

    I’ve worked three different therapists, primarily to the loss of my 4 month old grandson from SIDS, as well as a lot of anger and sadness. The first was through EAP through my job; she asked twice if I was a Christian (which I am but it didn’t really pertain to the therapy part). The second therapist was great; my age, agreed with everything I said and felt, and made me look forward to each new visit. But, I started to worry about disappointing her because I liked her so much!

    My current (as of this morning’s appointment, anyway) therapist explained that she wasn’t going to agree with everything I said – she didn’t care if I liked her, and she really started helping. I was in the process of repairing a relationship with my sister, and started getting my self-esteem back. Then today, I talked a bit about a part-time job I had, in addition to my full time job. The part time retail job helped pay the bills, gave me a bit of a social support system, and had the benefit of a liberal shopping discount. She looked at my shoes, and asked why I chose to wear those shoes today. I thought it was a metaphor for conforming or hiding my real self when I said that they matched my slacks. No – she humiliated me by saying they were 90-year-old lady shoes, and my navy top was my winter, depressing look. I was shocked. Tears came to my eyes. She said “Come on, you work at ABCD department store – you should look fashionable and perky,”.

    I work the extra job to make money, not to spend money. I am in a management full time position in an advertising agency, work with professional clients. I dress stylish but conservative and have NEVER been criticized for my attire. She mentioned it three more times: for the reason I was lonely, for the reason a shy guy never called back for a second date, and for why I didn’t like myself. I stood up to politely leave a few minutes early, and she said “What I want you to do is go home and put on a pretty blouse – it will make you feel better and probably catch the eye of some single man.”

    Anyone think I should return to this therapist?

  • Renae

    June 25th, 2015 at 10:26 AM

    One word…. No. That is just unacceptable and rude. There’s no excuse for that, who cares what you choose to wear to therapy…. Loads of interesting sorts go into this profession to sort themselves out.
    Keep looking but I would strongly suggest you don’t go back to her.

  • Liz

    September 20th, 2015 at 7:33 PM

    Hi Colleen,
    You are just fine. Counselors can think they are God but we know better. Look at her fruit!
    My suggestion is to go see your pastor for counseling. It’s free.
    Also, Google: Dr. JOEL Wallach, 90 for Life, Youngevity, and Dead Doctor’s Don’t Lie.
    Dr. Wallach knows why babies die suddenly and it’s not why you think.
    I am praying for you.
    Hugs, Liz

  • KikiLee

    June 26th, 2015 at 9:42 AM

    My husband and I want to save our marriage (course correct as I call it) and our goal is to rebuild and create a true partnership. There has been zero infidelity…but life changes and deep programming from childhood has bubbled to the surface and created new patterns that have “gunked up” our flow of love that we used to share. I believe that we need to look at some fundamental issues so that we can create awareness and shift our beliefs into healthier states of being. We have seen our new therapist 3x, once together, and each of us separately. The therapist told me at the end of our recent one-on-one, “You both realize this basically is over, don’t you? This is the last shot.” I felt like I had been punched in the gut. He did go on to say that this is a death of the relationship, and we will work on going back to opening the flow of love between us, and that it’s going to take a lot of work and something along the lines of it will be “hard to do”…

    I appreciate any helpful feedback.

    A little about us: married 4.5 years, 53 and 49 years old, first (and only we hope!) marriage for both of us…

    Thank you!

  • Liz

    September 20th, 2015 at 7:24 PM

    KikkiLee,
    If you both put God first in your relationship it will draw you together. The therapist is NOT GOD. All things are possible through God.
    1. First, you must have a relationship with God through Jesus Christ.
    2. If you don’t own a Bible, Google these Scriptures: John 3:16, Romans 10:9-10, Proverbs 3:5-6. Then go buy a NKJV Bible and read all the new testament.
    3. Join a Bible believing church.
    4. Get involved in the church.
    5. Talk to the pastor about marriage counseling – it’s free.
    6. Pray daily to God – talk to Him like a trusted friend. He loves you so much and wants the best for you.
    God bless you! Hugs, Liz

  • Chris

    June 26th, 2015 at 5:43 PM

    KikiLee what actual help has been offered to improve your communication and connection with your partner? This sounds too negative for me. Maybe restore your sense of connection by recalling what you have shared and dwelling on moments when you felt cl9se to rekindle those feelings. I think you’d be better off 0lanning pleasant tomes together than seeking therapy. There are lots of self help guid3s to repairing broken bonds or iroving relationship skills. Good luck.

  • KikiLee

    June 27th, 2015 at 12:17 PM

    …thank you Chris…I believe Mr. Therapist will have some ideas to help us tap back into our heart connection and get the flow going again…he did have us start a list of five appreciations per day for each other a few weeks ago.

    I will look into the genre of self help guides you suggested…

    Gratefully,
    KikiLee

  • Edwin

    June 27th, 2015 at 12:28 PM

    KikiLee, my wife and I went through a similar phase and what is telling to me is that both of you desire to rebuild your marriage. You might try finding another therapist. We found a great one who set to work right away giving us concrete tools to develop our communication to be able to work together to figure out where we were and what we needed to do. Perhaps the best one was “I feel, I need, would you?” As in, “I feel left out of your life. I need to feel connected to my partner. Would share more of how things are with you?” It feels dorky at first, but it’s effective because it allows each of you to reveal vulnerabilities without fear of them being used against you and it allows each of you express what you need from each other without it devolving into an argument about how the other person is always letting you down. It can be almost impossible to work these things out if the conversation ends up being complaints that start “You always….”

    We went through this when we were married for about 5 years and we just celebrated our 21st anniversary. We never would have made it without our therapist. I will say that it’s always required some diligence to keep up on it, but I will also say that the process also would have revealed if it if would have been better to split up and I would have felt a lot better about at least having gone through process and learning why we weren’t going to work out rather than letting everything crash and burn.

    So, maybe think about looking around to find a different therapist who might be more focused on providing day to day tools to open up communication between you. Despite issues, if you guys really want to be together, you can be. That’s the most important thing. Oh yeah, telling each other that you love each other every day helps, too.

  • Edwin

    June 27th, 2015 at 12:35 PM

    I had a therapist in my 20s that presented a few of the red flags. Especially #17. After a couple of sessions, we met at her house instead of her office, which felt a bit weird to me. All of sudden it occurred to me that #16 might be an issue. I was seeing her to try to figure out how to deal with a difficult relationship that I was in at the time. Weirdly, despite the inappropriate behavior from the therapist, when I was struck with what was going on, all of a sudden everything became clear and I left her therapy and let go of the difficult relationship, so in a strange way it ended up being very effective. I think the key thing was realizing that I didn’t want to get involved with the therapist and that led me to think about what I really wanted and I realized I didn’t want the other relationship either.

    I’m glad my twenties are behind me.

  • Kay

    June 28th, 2015 at 6:47 AM

    Amanda/june 2015
    I feel all you’ve said as a truth for me. Also, when my husband and I went this last time my therapist told my husband he was a good looking man. Why did she do that and is it appropriate?

  • Falynn P.

    June 28th, 2015 at 8:28 PM

    I feel my life has taken a downward spiral, I feel forever damaged by The Event in me finding my girlfriend having an affair with her therapist. It literally haunts me. Not because I want my ex back, not that it was not somewhat of a blessing. But because my believe in therapy has completely vanished. I was lied to for months and months, called insecure, and left looking like a fool by a therapist. I trusted her, fell for her lies just as I fell for my girlfriends. The aftermath literally almost killed me emotionally. It kills me that she got away with it, that the office nor the state of Florida cared, let her surrender her license like it never happened. I was left picking up the pieces of myself, and no one cared. I have wrote a book of my experience but I am terrified that no one wants to hear my story. No one wants the truth.

  • Stan R.

    July 8th, 2015 at 10:19 PM

    All I can say is it is horrible to hear just the little you have disclosed here, and I feel for you, and agree that we hide from the truth and lie to each other much more often than we would ever admit. But I really believe in life, as jacked up as it is, as betrayed as we have been by it at times, I choose life and love, over their opposites, or over “oblivion”. I hope you do too.

  • KikiLee

    June 29th, 2015 at 8:27 AM

    Edwin,

    Thank you for sharing your story about you and your wife…and congratulations on celebrating your 21st anniversary!

    I like and appreciate the tools you have shared, and your story has given me a much needed dose of optimism…I can’t thank you enough for that!

    With delight and much gratitude,
    KikiLee

  • john

    June 30th, 2015 at 4:17 PM

    Great list/article/posts–what you need for those seeking therapists/counselor/psychologists etc– is a hallway to walk down with fifteen sixteen tv screens 15/16 therapists all saying who they are– something of what their about– and a sale pitch about why seeing them would be a good thing/idea– call it head selection therapy– vibe selection therapy– language selection therapy– because to me those three things are firstly why we like/connect — some people just arent right for some people– just the way it is.

  • Rob

    July 1st, 2015 at 6:02 PM

    My therapist always does this to me?

    Counselor tells me what to do, makes decisions for me, ? Do you think I should report her?

  • Renee

    July 9th, 2015 at 10:42 AM

    Instead of reporting, you may need to address this with your therapist 1st if it’s something that they can resolve. If they can’t help, move up the ladder. You may also have a regional advocate. If you have paperwork, look through it and see if you have a problem sloving procedure or a copy of your rights.

  • Jen

    July 12th, 2015 at 11:40 AM

    well it has been a little over a year sense I Have had to deal with these people. I was Encouraged to file grievances to the point of someone getting fired, it’s a long story. I did get an apology from the director of this program. However, I guess I need more justice then a simple apology. My name has been tarnished any pride I had was taken from me and has taken a long time to regain, and most importantly I have a financial burden that I wouldn’t have if this woman never came into my life. I’m tired of getting pushed around. I think I just want a lawyer to speak for me.

  • W E. Buckley

    July 12th, 2015 at 5:20 PM

    Wow, my LMFT has done many things on that list. But the biggest issue was I was ordered by Court as the CP to find a therapist to theraputically supervised visitation between my daughter and her father. He’s been in &out of her life either high, running from being arrested or incarcerated, he’s got issues with breaking the law. I explained the situation, gave him copy of order &explained he’d have to contact court to clarify the expectations. I knew 1. I was not financially redponsible,there was a MINIMUM of 6 sessions, Then we’d return to judge with progress specifically input from therapist to decide if visits would continue at all, with therapist, other supervision or none. I paid in full for the first 4. 1 daughter/(last 15 min)myself,1 myself to show him case info and my concerns (frankly, my ex meets all the criteria to diagnose a sociopath, from childhood to today) the first alone w/ Ex and daughter &father. I repeatedly asked him for receipts and never once did I sign a single document. He was constantly blowing me off, cut me off, immediately after seeing police reports, listening to audio of ex on vial verbal rampage calling me possible vial name u can call someone and threatening to leave the sight of her pending 4th Bday party, w/her if I wasn’t there in 5 min. And when I asked if he’d had any opinions, he said “well that “ex’s name” yes, I think he’s a good guy, a stand up guy” later he claimed he’d nvr got the file. He had private documents hor him to review and then handed them to my ex who he allowed to read for several min., in front of my daughter, the ex handed back said no, these aren’t mine, I didnt give u any papers. He literally stopped returning calls or texts when he did he didn’t answer my questions or he’d call at midnight. The visits stopped. I kept calling till I was served with OSC for non compliance. When I finally discovered his license had been revoked in state over only a month before we met, then that he happened to be the ex of a celebrity who was often discussed in tabloids as deadbeat dad, but we were told by him his child was dead in first session, then pretended he hadn’t said that. He was a family law attorney fighting for father’s rights, he NEVER contacted the judge, never attempted to collect a penny from ex but took my $ without receipts. Then I find out he never supervised! All he needed to do was confirm I had attempted to comply and although he admitted to me my ex stopped calling and he “just got busy”, all he said to court was he thought visits were going well and he was willing to consider doing more. He refused to speak w/prior to court except to say I shouldn’t worry, he’d clarify it all. Then when I said if this was about his license, I considered ex found out, blackmailing possibly,he went off in 3 page text saying my questioning the integrity or judgement of my ex was the whole problem and that’s when I realized how much power he had with the court. At the hearing I felt like I’d just insulted my waiter, before getting my food, if I said anything there’d be snot in my salad, so now ex has court in Palm of his hand and I, the stalking DV victim, convicted twice, but still refer to it as “allegations” in FCS REPORT. I KNOW I must file a formal complaint, but I already appear nuts, can anyone give me advise?

  • Jen

    July 14th, 2015 at 8:25 AM

    Wow. So the first thing u should know is you have no choice but to comply. They are very vague about what is you are supposed to be doing. No matter how you feel about the situation the only thing they care about is evidence. Things did not start coming to an end Until cps gave me a life skills worker. This woman was supposed to help me with things like finances, Job-hunting, etc. really all she taught me was that evidence is the most important thing, and to stop following the advice of all these therapist. I would just do whatever they asked, and remember that the list of goals he came up with your therapist or your case worker is what you r trying to get accomplished. Fighting it makes it take longer! Do what you need to do to be in a kids lives, it’s all about time and their stupid notes.

  • ASD

    July 13th, 2015 at 2:13 PM

    My ex-husband and I separated in 2007. 8 years later, this man has used the court system to make my post-divorce as miserable as my marriage to him was. In 2013 I had enough and asked the just to order a custody evaluation after he wouldn’t stop trying to get a court order to have my children placed on medication they didn’t need. My ex-husband is infamous for parading in court his business partners/investors as “unbiased” professionals to testify and make-up stuff against me. The “forensic accountant” who lied in court about my finances was later discovered (after the statute of limitations ran out) to a business partner of my ex-husband. I have zero proof that there was such a pre-existing relationship between the mediator (who has a Ph.D in psychiatry) and my ex-husband although I do find it odd that this doctor never practiced in California prior to this case. However let me list the following things that have happened during and post mediation as to why I am asking a judge to at the very least…throw the whole recommendation out:
    1. The mediator used our sessions to talk excessively about himself. (I know too much about him to the point that I can use what he told me to show a direct correlation to the medical definition of narcissist.)
    2. He bragged too much about how superior he was to medical doctors.
    3. He bragged to me and told me the same story several times about how he screwed over his ex-wife. (frankly it was intimidating to listen to. Was he outlining what he and my ex-husband were planning for me?)
    4. Things I told him in confidence were “accidentally” leaked to my ex-husband via email.
    5. He wrote himself into the recommendation to try and perpetually keep himself part of the case.
    6. He made the case about himself (based on the story of how he screwed his wife). For instance, the mediator and his ex-wife lived in Washington DC at the time of their divorce. When my daughter injured her finger and was taken to Washington hospital in Fremont California during the evaluation period, the mediator wrote (in the recommendation) that this was proof that I had taken the child out of state to Washington DC.
    7. I provided this doctor with medical records showing how my ex-husband had convinced the doctor treating me after the birth of my last child into prescribing me over 19 medications that were not needed. My ex-husband then took out a life insurance policy on me and then started to give me my night medications in the morning before I went out knowing the night medications knocked me out 20 minutes after ingestion. This was after he had liquidated all my assets and had no real “use” for me anymore. The therapist wrote of my ex-husband, “sometimes [he] was misguided in his attempt to care for his mentally challenged wife”.
    8. The mediator felt that my husband living in a mansion while collecting welfare from the state of California was “proof” of his superior intellect in the face of adversity.
    9. When I questioned the issue of stability because my ex-husband moves to a new mansion every other year, I was told my ex-husband provides a superior home environment than I do because my children had their own room with my ex-husband which was something I was not providing for the children.
    10. The cost was outrageous. My half alone for the recommendation (which I had to fight for because he felt he didn’t need to provide me a copy) was over $10,000.
    I do concede that my lifestyle is not as elaborate as my ex-husband. Because he is an entrepreneur and does not earn any money, I do concede he is brilliant in his ability to get the state of California to continue to support him when his average expenses total over $7000 per month. I also currently pay HIM child support and have always paid him child support even though prior to the evaluation we did have 50-50 custody.
    The evaluator recommended my ex-husband get primary custody of my children (14,15,16). My summer vacation with the children reduced by half. Three weeks after this recommendation was made into the current order this year, my youngest child tried to commit suicide while with her father (which I am sure is being spun into something that is entirely my fault as well). She made one more attempt several months later until her father was able to convince a doctor to stuff her full of so much medication, I barely recognize her.
    I am looking for any comments regarding the ethical portions of my arguments which would help me to get the recommendations of this mediator thown out.

  • Haley

    July 21st, 2015 at 2:28 PM

    I have been looking online for help with something that happened today and saw this site. Today I saw a counselor for the third time because I am required to for TMS treatment. I tried talking to this lady, even though I’d rather not be there, but she constantly interrupts me and tells me I’m not really trying to get better. This bothers me because I have been trying for years and this was only the third time I had seen her so she doesn’t exactly know me. Then at the end of the treatment after she has interrupted and talked in a loud voice at me several times she tells me I’ve just been sitting around feeling sorry for myself and told me “there are a lot of people who have it a lot worse than you” and then began to tell me “you’ve never been raped by your grandma” etc., at this point I was highly upset and feeling a lot worse so I walked out. Was this inappropriate of her or just me being over emotional? (I was diagnosed with “severe depressive disorder and anxiety disorder a few years ago and have been struggling with that.)

  • KS

    July 26th, 2015 at 8:51 AM

    No, that was INCREDIBLY unprofessional. Did she even have a degree? That was incredibly ableist of her, leave ASAP.

  • Haley

    July 26th, 2015 at 1:13 PM

    Thank you! I have talked to the doctors who wanted me to talk to someone and have let them know what happened and refuse to go back to this person.

  • Caro

    July 30th, 2015 at 1:44 AM

    My most recent therapist experience has left me hesitant and distrustful of seeing another therapist for a while, if not for good. She saw me over the course of 18 months: I came in at age 16 bearing mental scars from a toxic family situation and physical scars from being unable to cope with my manipulative, abusive family, my depression, anxiety and the knowledge that I wasn’t “right” but didn’t know how. I wanted therapy to provide some answers, but I left feeling more confused than ever; my diagnosis would change from Severe Depressive Disorder to Insomnia to ADHD to Manic-Depressive Disorder, and so on. My therapist seemed nice in the beginning; she did everything right, and the mistakes she did make ahe quickly made up for. She wasn’t perfect. But, over the course of my visits, she became more and more antagonistic of me. She started doubting my anxieties and distrust of my family members, specifically my intimidative brother; she would tell me to stop focusing on how bad I feel and imagine how UNFAIRLY I was treating HIM by “demonizing” him. In my head, speaking in metaphor, I just heard her tell me I wasnt being a very good door mat for him, how dare I complain that he scrapes dirt all over me when he’s going through so much trying to get the mud off his shoes? (Sometimes I think in metaphor, it’s dometimes easier to express how I feel)

  • Caro

    July 30th, 2015 at 2:44 AM

    (This comment thing cut me off before I could finish my thing. Carrying on, despite this annoyance) She would use trigger words and phrases against me (get over it, you’re just crazy, don’t be stupid, why do you insist there is a problem, etc) to get a ruse out of me, despite my constant reminders. When i’d open up about something that bothered me, she would laugh at me behind her hand, and when I’d ask why she’d say “it’s just so funny/melodramatic/ridiculous, you’ll realize that once you get over it”. About a year in she’d begin to critique me on how I looked coming to appointments; she preffered me to look “pretty” and “feminine” and wear makeup and acted cold when I wore sweatpants or “slobby” clothes, like those days where I was so physically and emotionally exhausted I could hardly get out of bed, much less put on makeup and decent-looking clothes (I had 6:00 am appointments, okay? sue me. and since starting treatments those days became ever so oft-occurring) Everything reached its climax at about 15 months in when I had to be hospitalized on suicide watch. I can imagine her frustration, yes, that over a year’s worth of treatments had proven to be useless, and I imagine she really started doubting herself as a therapist. But did that permiss her to let it out on me? The day after I return from my seven-day hospital admission I come in for a follow-up and am sat down for one of the most disheartening and most cruel talks I’ve ever had to sit through: she told me that in a way she wished I’d gone through with killing myself; she didn’t think I deserved to live if I was going to ‘give up so easily’ while her ‘cousin with an IQ of 50 tries harder than I ever will’. She told me I should be ashamed to call myself a feminist because I ‘let my mean-old-poopoo-head brother push me around’. Then she compared me to that one FCKH8 video with the pageant toddler girls cussing up a storm probably not even knowing what they’re talking about, saying it was (sarcastically) ‘cute’. She finished the rant demanding that i better come back with “nice clothes, makeup on, and a smile to cover up my ugly ass”. Let me just say that that fucked me up, so bad. I went home that day and apologized to my brother, who told me I should have tried harder (to kill myself) and he couldn’t even call me his sister or even come close to me. I went back to the weekly appointments with a fake smile on behind a shitton of makeup and the same semi-clean outfit just so someone wouldnt hate me. She ended up leaving the clinic she worked through, but not before once again switching my diagnosis to PTSD and forcing me to write an essay reliving my ‘trauma’- 3/4ths of which was bullshit because I couldnt even recall half of whatever trauma she was convinced was the root of all my problems (I mean, at best it was a great fiction writing excercise.) I’m now 18 but I’m worried that the same thing will happen to me again if i go back. I seethe at the idea that that woman is out there somewhere, likely treating another child like she treated me, a woman who has no idea what she’s doing and has never been in her clients’ shoes. I pray she doesn’t cause any further irreperable damage to another impressionable, delicate mind.But am I wrong in feeling how i do? did she overstep her boundaries? am I just crazy?

  • The GoodTherapy.org Team

    July 30th, 2015 at 2:58 PM

    Hi Caro,

    Your descriptions sound extremely worrisome and raise more than a few red flags. If you haven’t done so yet, you might consider reporting this therapist to your local licensing board.
    Please know that good therapists exist and are waiting to help! Everyone deserves to experience good therapy with a professional who is supportive, collaborative, and encouraging; and everyone deserves to feel good! You can search for a therapist near you with the GoodTherapy.org directory, here:https://www.goodtherapy.org/find-therapist.html

    Wishing you the very best,
    The GoodTherapy.org Team

  • Liz

    September 20th, 2015 at 6:45 PM

    Hi Caro,
    First, there is nothing wrong with you. You are fearfully and wonderfully made by God and He loves you very much.
    I would stay away from your brother. He has problems of his own and is projecting them on you.
    The main problem people in general have is a “thought” problem. You can control how you feel by your thoughts. Think happy, positive thoughts. The Bible is full of wonderful promises for you.
    1. Find a Bible believing church to go to.
    2. Ask to speak to the pastor for counseling.
    3. Get involved in this church by helping others.
    4. Buy a NKJ Bible at your Bible bookstore and
    read John 3:16,
    Romans 10:9,10, Proverbs 3:5-6,
    And all the new testament.
    5. Pray, by talking to God as you would a friend.
    6. Tune in to your local Christian radio station and listen to Christian music and commentary.
    7. Monitor your thoughts. You can choose what you think about. You can choose how you respond to people.
    8. Choose life, and faith, and love
    I am praying for you, Caro.
    Hugs, Liz

  • Barbara F

    August 4th, 2015 at 7:59 AM

    Excellent list. I was in therapy for several months with someone who demonstrated many, many of the warning signs listed. I wanted to learn to control some addictive behaviors and explore some difficult family relationships, but the counselor was determined to “turn my personality”, whatever that meant. I wasted months drawing pictures of my difficult childhood experiences, only to have her tell me I “wasn’t ready” to explore these memories. I was told I “didn’t know myself well enough” to know what I needed in therapy. She was habitually late, condescending and seemed to think she had all the answers, yet the only thing I learned from therapy was how to hide my feelings so she wouldn’t ridicule me, and how to draw an elephant with my non-dominant hand. When I tried to discuss some of my addictive behaviors and articles I had read on the effectiveness of CBT, she got very irritable, told me I had “too much going on and couldn’t focus on one thing”, and told me I was trying to “bamboozle” her. I finally ended the therapy relationship and am now seeking out another therapist. This list will help me be more aware of what to look for so I don’t waste anymore time or money.

  • Liz

    September 20th, 2015 at 6:21 PM

    Find a Bible believing church. There is usually someone on staff that will do counseling for free.
    I know for myself that I got too focused on my problems and never could get free. When I was able to “vent” to someone and then help others with their problems – I got better.
    Faith, prayer, good nutrition, physical exertion, happy thoughts and a productive life have done wonders for me. I had to get “out of my head” and start living. Listening to others, praying with them, and being sympathetic has gone a long way in healing my soul.
    Google: Dr. Joel Wallach, Yongevity, Dead Doctors Don’t lie, and 90 for Life. You will see where nutrition plays a big role in our health and well being.
    God bless you! Hugs, Liz

  • Kimberly

    August 4th, 2015 at 10:41 PM

    I just recently saw a psychiatrist with several of these red flags. I was suspicious that I might be on the bipolar spectrum and though I’ve done therapy before I’d never talked to anyone about my history with self harm. He rescheduled both of my 2 appointments with less than 24 hours notice, spent the first 15 minutes of my appointment time making phone calls, and I felt drained and interrogated after the first session but came for at least an inkling of a diagnosis so I made a return appointment. I told him at that appointment that I did not want to re-start therapy and that the last session was draining (though I did not comment that I felt he was judgemental and insensitive with some of his questions, prodding on when something upset me). He ultimately said he did believe it was a mild form of bipolar and that medications could be very beneficial but should be coupled with therapy, encouraging me to come back. I agree with this mindset but could not stand his therapy style (or the $300 appointment fees!) Now I planned to discuss this with my medical doctor and when I checked the claim I saw he filed the claim with a diagnosis of DD-NOS rather than BD-NOS or any other bipolar disorder. Since antidepressants worsen bipolar symptoms I’m not sure how I could even get approved to try the correct medications without returning to him! I don’t know what to do and would love some advice! The experience has been so difficult and I really don’t want to ever go back to him. But I also don’t want to do this process again with a new psychiatrist because the fees and number of appointments needed to make a diagnosis is too great, not to mention the pain of rebelling the same stories (of issues I’ve dealt with in past therapy) with someone new. He also said I had the mark of large emotional trauma that was unknown to either of us, but I’ve done therapy before and have dealt with all of these triggering factors before. It seemed more like a ploy to get me to come back than an earnest evaluation. Any advice on what I should do? I want to try medication to see how/if it helps, so I (hopefully) won’t feel so out of control or helpless when the episodes hit, but don’t want for it to be conditioned on me seeing a therapist I really don’t like! Help

  • The GoodTherapy.org Team

    August 5th, 2015 at 12:13 PM

    Hi Kimberly,
    Thank you for sharing this! We’re so sorry to hear that you had a negative experience. Perhaps your medical doctor has recommendations for other psychiatrists in the area who might work with your insurance or provide services on a sliding scale that would fit with your income? You can always look for another option in your area on GoodTherapy.org, here:https://www.goodtherapy.org/find-therapist.html

    Wishing you the best, Kimberly!
    The GoodTherapy.org Team

  • Liz

    September 20th, 2015 at 6:08 PM

    Kimberly,
    These are the things that have helped me:
    1. Faith in Jesus Christ, John 3:16, Romans 10:9,10, Proverbs 3:5,6.
    2. Attending a Bible believing church
    3. Helping others who struggle with the same things I have struggled with.
    4. Google: “90 for Life”, “Youngevity”, “Dr. Joel Wallach”
    Taking supplements for health.
    5. Prayer. Just talk things out with God. He loves you and wants the best for you. You are important to Him.
    6. Watch what you think about. Think on happy things and reject all negativity. Be positive. Life is short and should be enjoyed.
    God bless you! Hugs, Liz

  • Sky K.

    August 7th, 2015 at 1:06 PM

    I have a therapist currently who I believe exhibits some of these signs? I had one before who denied I had mood swings (I am now diagnosed with Bipolar as a sixteen year old female), and said I was just sad. I had actual psychosis and continue having such. And she was just like “nah you are just sad”. She made me angry and I was actually hypomanic at the time so I told her to f*ck off and I refused to go back. I have a new therapist and they were like “she may have Aspergers” which actually explains a lot of my entire life but now they belittle everything about me and I’m really conflicted on how to approach them next. Therapy is hard. I just want help. This is difficult.

  • WhoCares

    August 9th, 2015 at 7:18 AM

    after 9 years of following the legal route to have an abusive therapist looked into and disciplined, I am exhausted. The licensing board of SW’s in Maine, refused to even look into, investigate, talk to peer members; research emails proving the abuse done by this therapist. And there were even obvious violations of the NASW Code of Ethics: refused to share records, even costing me money to try and get them; even after stopping therapy with this person – still in severe mental illness and “in harm’s way”: she did not give referrals – knowing very well I needed help. But because she was incapable and knew too the abuse she inflicted, she washed her hands. I have severe PTSD and Pain. I cry every single day. I have asked for help from lawyers, cops; 2 organizations: NAMI & NASW, all are jokes. I have been to many therapists – no one can deal with MDSA. So that leaves me 2 choices: either break the law or kill myself. Anyone have other ideas? I have no plans for the 2 choices, but wonder really – where the hell do I turn when no one will listen, empathize or show any concern. This therapist should have been arrested for what she did. I hope I get cancer. People care more about that.

  • Katharine

    August 27th, 2015 at 7:09 PM

    The cancer comment was, sadly, right on the mark. I hope you get what you want…not cancer, help.

  • LjoO

    November 21st, 2015 at 4:07 AM

    Hello whocares…. you are not alone. I’m in search of help asof now, just finally opening my eyes to what I was doing to myself and accepting that all the other was out of my control. . this is my first time on any kind of chat forum but I’m ready to change my life or at times die. Nobody understood, nobody listened ,”your fine, smart, beautiful, all the things loved ones automatically assume or tell you bease they love you, nobody can filly understand tIL these shoes we walkin are won by them.. It’s one if the worst feelings in the world ,to not be believed that something is wrong me when asking for help subconsciously and outright at this point ,then they assume nothings truly wrong,”it’s just all the rx your taking” ” its all in my head”,”if I really wanted to change ,I would fix it”,iv heard it so long i am immediately defensive or was because they were partially correct all these years and i didnt know it. I abused drigs when i was young unfortunately, while aldo being treated for anxiety ,depression, add, in one form or another. So now after 15 years the inevitable nervous breakdown reared its ugly head and almost lost my family because they were all covinced i was just (addicted), its a heartbreaking empty feeling that i would wish on nobody. But my actions have done nothing but hurt showing the actions or reactions of this mental war for half of my life instead of coping I just block it out (WITHOUT KNOWING) iv been through a lot , ma ny have been through so much more and then some less , but I now realize I have to get to the core because I came so ill due this internal battle I finally give in. I was finally able to realize iv been lying to myself in turn lying to everyone else… I thought I was ok.I am not ok.once this door of honesty was recently u nlocked in my brain about all the truths I blocked out ,are flooding my head as if another part of my brain opened up for business and is at max capacity.I am just finally to weak to fight anymore, I really have a problem. That’s hard to accept. I’m such an empathetic person I sometimes consider it a curse because it is so severe ,the closer the person is, I actually physically hurt and have always been compelled almost obsessed to do whatever I could to help this person I cared about , not just one ,everyone, even strangers. So when half of my family only see my actions and feels like I’m judged and not even remotely understood, they have not experienced mental illness nor substance abuse/self medicating (because I just don’t want to hurt). I’m sorry for rambling on, like I said my first time but your post touched my heart as my eyes filled with tears for you. I had not even yet read your screen name actually but something made me stop as I was scanning through the comments trying a different approach to getting me through my life issues, …. I don’t even know if anything I just said makes sense honestly because I’m in such a strange , sad , confused place BUT when scrolled up and saw your screen name to reply ,the tears finally fell. I pray you never get get cancer, I will continue to pray that you cross paths finally with the right doctor so you no longer were in pain. Just know that there are people who really do care. even though I sometimes see it as a curse because I feel more pain but at the same time being compelled to reply to your comment because I want you to know , even if it doesn’t mean very much now , I CARE…. Iv always said things happen for a reason or life lesson regardless of the pain encountered along the way ,but in the thought I must constantly remind myself , 《{♡ This too shall pass ♡}》. Please forgive me if I made no sense or confused you more. I just need or wanted to know for a fact at least one person cares, I wish you well. Your screen name saddens me because I know that feeling all too well, the vicious cycle are struggling to break.I wish I could take it away. I will continue to keep you in my prayers .

  • Lisa H

    August 11th, 2015 at 10:26 AM

    Hi I am hoping that someone can give me some information. My sister is 40 and for about 18yrs she has had panic attacks and cannot go out of her”safety zone”. She has tried several different therapist/counselor which she has ended and not helped at all. For the few years since she moved into her own house she cannot be on her own. Anyway she has started seeing this therapist for the last year and since thenhas gotten worse, and is now affecting the rest of tjethe family. The therapist Sat down with my parents and sister and said to them they will have to stay in with her so her stress levels come down. From then on my parents have not been able to move without telling my sister where there going, they have to have there mobiles with them 24/7. After a year of therapy she is still having panic attacks. Has to know where Mum is all the time. She can still not be on her own. She is stopping my parents from doing anything, she has to go with Mum or they don’t go. Now the therapist has said that my sister needs a little car???. When Jo and the therapist meet they go shopping or for something to eat. In my opinion this therapist has no idea what she is doing. Can anybody help me or head in the right direction to go.

  • Claire

    August 14th, 2015 at 6:41 AM

    I am in counselling, this chap is great and effective, now and again he will instigate a hug but yesterday after the session I said my life was so up and down he held the back of my neck and put his forehead onto mine for a split second – is that weird??

  • Kat

    August 20th, 2015 at 2:08 AM

    Yes.

  • Katharine

    August 27th, 2015 at 7:00 PM

    Yes, it is. Wow.

  • Claire

    August 31st, 2015 at 1:50 AM

    Hmmmm …… Maybe I should find somebody else??? But he’s good!, his touch is very confusing, I don’t quite know what to do!

  • Mary

    December 2nd, 2015 at 10:42 PM

    Ummm… Maybe a professional handshake….but anything else isn’t appropriate.

  • Beverly

    August 15th, 2015 at 7:32 AM

    I have a concern but I am not sure if it is a valid one. It just feels wrong to me with what this therapist is doing to my 12 year old son. This therapist in my sons words is putting words in his mouth. The DA is forcing him to go even tho he doesn’t want to. But what the therapist is doing even though my son has stated several times for months that nothing happened to him the therapist is saying things to him like ” do you remember when this happened” or how did you feel when that happened? It is confusing him and making him angry. The DA is trying to make their case while this therapist is helping them while using my son. Is this even legal? What can I do to report it?

  • Deb

    August 20th, 2015 at 11:48 AM

    My daughter takes her mildly autistic son to counseling once a week, last week the counselor said her other younger daughter has adhd and that she should be tested. This week at counseling her daughter was sitting next to her brother who has autism and was holding a pillow , she stood up and hit her brother gentely with the pillow and then sat back down, half on the pillow , the counselor went out of control grabbed at the pillow to take it away and grabbed her shirt and knocked her on the floor then he proceeded to pick her up and spanked her behind !
    My daughter grabbed her childer and left quickly now the office will not accept her phone calls . I told her to call protective services and the police to file assault charges.

  • criminal defense

    August 20th, 2015 at 11:56 AM

    Actually when someone doesn’t know then its up to other people that they will help, so here it takes place.

  • Miss

    August 29th, 2015 at 4:55 PM

    Whaaaaa…? Your comment here does not make any sense without any context. Can you please explain?

  • Amy

    August 25th, 2015 at 10:02 PM

    During the course of therapy, my therapist would constantly tell me that if I disagreed with something she said, that I should find another therapist if I didn’t like that. It was very destructive to the therapeutic relationship but she said that it was clinically appropriate for her to say that to me. My opinion that her ego was hurt when I would not accept everything she said as gospel and she could not handle anyone questioning her. Is what she did appropriate?

  • Sarah

    August 26th, 2015 at 9:13 PM

    Well, I was directed here because I googled “why do so many therapists *stink*.” Wow, I totally see alot of what I have experienced in these comments. Ouch! I have done alot of growth and change on my own and with the help of Al-Anon, AA and Codependence Anonymous. A few therapists over the years have been good but oh so many have been really awful. Recently, I have been looking again for a therapist to talk about some childhood sexual abuse memories with. Remember, I have done most of this recovery work on my own or with friends just talking it out. That was because many, many therapists cannot or will not hear what you have to say. They change the subject or ignore your memories of abuse. So, even now I will say that when I interview a prospective therapist and then THEY let it drop and ignore what I just said. The reason I have been healing myself is because I cannot find anyone to listen to my memories other than myself and my friends. How weird is that? therapists are supposed to be able to listen to childhood sexual abuse (how common is that too!) and yet silence, no comment, or changing the subject. They continue to ignore the topic and will not EVER correlate it to present day struggles. I am a better therapist than they are, apparently, because now other people are comfortable talking to me about their abuse as I am ok and at peace with my own. I have to say, I don’t like most therapists I meet now and strangely – they don’t like me. They strike me as professionally lazy and in it for the high hourly fee.

    I have had therapists “forget” appointments multiple times, tell me about their own problems and financial woes, get angry when I point out their own imperfections and even just say: “I want to be in control here!” when I am being assertive. I give up. In the end, being able to leave a bad therapist is definitely part of the therapeutic process, that’s just taking care of ourselves.

    Thanks you such an awesome list to go by.

  • Laura

    August 30th, 2015 at 9:37 AM

    This is why it’s a good idea to ask questions before starting or even if you’ve started and think of questions after the fact. I have a new therapist by default, because my original therapist left. I hadn’t been with her long either and it really wasn’t working well anyway. So the other day, I asked this one, who I’ve seen a total of twice so far, “Have you gone through your own therapy?”
    And to my surprise and disappointment she said “No.”
    This was Friday, today is Sunday and I’m still processing, meaning that I’m still trying to decide if I want to stick it out or not. I’m leaning toward no. And it certainly will be a deal breaker here on out.

  • k ramos

    September 7th, 2015 at 1:41 PM

    My daughters counselor will throw pencils..slam things…suck on huge blow pops ..wear flip flops…. I honestly feel threatened by this persone…what can i do…

  • WhoCares

    September 8th, 2015 at 6:38 AM

    K Ramos – get the hell outta there and report the counselor to the licensing board. There must be better therapy in your area, one would hope.

  • Tami

    September 8th, 2015 at 11:17 AM

    I sent my 18 year old son to a therapist (MD and Child Psychiatrist) referred by a friend who’s son saw him from 16-19. Even though this family trusts this Dr. completely, a few things deeply trouble me.
    1.) He texts young boys privately. 2.) He books his own appointments with these minors so that only he and the boy know when the appointments are – no third party awareness. 3.) During our first session, he told us the names of 2 other clients that he sees. Although we knew these two boys, I thought it was totally inappropriate that he share that information. It wasn’t his place as was unethical. 4.) Even though I’ve asked what his plan is and how I can help support him, he won’t share it with me – but he has told my son that I want a ‘blue print’ in a way that feels he’s mocking me for being over involved. 5.) My son literally said, he has to decide who he should trust – meaning rather than a group effort where we’re all on the same page, the counselor has put my son in the middle. 6.) Told my son during session that if we knew what he was saying, we would FIRE him.
    Because my son is 18, I know it presents a problem because he’s no longer a minor – even though I’m paying with my insurance. I went to this counselor separately to get advice on how to proceed. I don’t want my actions to be counterproductive to the counselors. I also sent the counselor notes on my son’s history so that he would have a bigger picture when approaching therapy. I think he finds it annoying and interfering…I also know he has shared much of it with my son…but in a way that’s making me the enemy. I’m very confused.
    Any advice?

  • Chris S

    September 8th, 2015 at 10:40 PM

    My therapist has been habitually late. For the last 6 weeks she has been 5 to 15 minutes late. I finally mentioned it and she says yeah she has an issue with being late and is trying to work on it. I told her she is billing the state for 50 minutes and that is what I expect to receive. I have not been pleased with the therapy I get from here . I don’t feel like I am important or a priority to her. And the last time we met she was calling me by another name. I was like no, my name is Chris. She apologized but it made me feel like this is how important I am to her when she can’ teven remember my name.

  • Sarah

    September 8th, 2015 at 11:20 PM

    Whoa ! Tammy, I would consider calling your local licensing board and asking them the same question and see what they have to say. Let them decide if his behavior is correct or not, because sexual abuse of patients – never mind young or underage patients – is a hugely common concern with therapists. Believe it or not, it really does occur and is not uncommon. You are right to listen to your instincts and ask this question. Now, ask the same question with the same numbered points you have listed here to your local medical board and see how they respond. Your son may now be 18, but does he behave this way with children who are under 18? Either way, I agree with your concerns.

  • x client

    September 9th, 2015 at 1:00 PM

    I wish I had read these before. My therapist did about 30 of these for 2 yrs. she fired me because she thought I wouldst sue her ( Not sure why she believed that)
    She lied, did no shows, confirmed appts then next day she was double booked or gone
    Told me there was no hope for me. She was good human and therapist for 1 out of our 4 yrs. But by 1/2013 her true inner character and integrity came to the surface and that began the worst yrs of my life

  • Phoenix

    September 18th, 2015 at 11:02 AM

    I recently quit therapy after seeing a therapist for quite a few years. In many ways she helped me work through many issues, however recently I noticed our relationship was not exactly healthy. As a matter of fact the relationship was a repeat of a significant harmful childhood relationship. Over the years I have actually been to my therapist house on numerous occasions from just riding a long in her van to drop her daughter off after picking her up from school, to bringing her computer back online, to attending her divorce care party with others from her group she created at the church we both attended. I stopped going after I realized what was going on. I’ve met her sister, daughter, what used to be her boyfriend, along with other important people in her life. We have on one occasion gone out to eat after having a session of therapy. I grew to really care for this woman. In a conflict of interest she was seeing who used to be a friend of mine until that person tried to control me and use me. When she couldn’t she dumped the friendship. My therapist at the time still sees that person and since she is in her fifties and has no one else to take care of her after death responsiblities, the therapist agreed to help her. She has also been to my ex friends home to help her clean it up as she is a hoarder. I question my therapist when I stopped and wonder is this healthy? I mean what other therapist does these things? Where are the boundaries? Now im hurt and frustrated due to the conflict of her seeing ans being friendly with my old friend plus her lack of clear boundaries with me which is a repeat of older relationships. Im so hurt and im never going to another therapist again. By the way, my therapist ate in her session and was late frequently, took others phone calls and texts during my sessions especially if it was her daughter. Even one session she didn’t write her appointment down with me, I show up then she tells me her new appointment wouldn’t understand if she saw me but in other words Id have to deal with it going home and not seeing her because this was a new person.

  • MEM

    September 19th, 2015 at 7:15 PM

    I have been in and out of therapy for more than 30 years and have yet to find a therapist who could really, truly, help me. Most recently, I have had difficulty finding a therapist who would see me late in the afternoon/early in the evening, because I have to work for a living. Most of the therapists I’ve contacted in the Greater Los Angeles area, where I live, seem to think that they shouldn’t have to accommodate those of us who have to work, or, like one therapist I’ve encountered, that they’re entitled to charge us more for their “after-hours” slots. These people don’t seem to understand that we’re coming to them with our lives in tatters and begging them for help because we have nowhere else to go. I wouldn’t be looking to therapy for help if my own family was any good, which it’s not, and never has been. If this current therapist I’ve just started with proves to be no good, then I’m out of here, period. Nobody has ever given a s*** about me, and nobody ever will.

  • Paula

    September 21st, 2015 at 1:50 PM

    My stbx been seeing a therapist, and he has recently started taking our children to see her for family therapy. And she tells me I’m interfering, and she tells them that “we know you love your father”. They are going to therapy because they tell him all the time they hate him, or do not like him and want nothing to do with him. She says she wants them to express their feeling, yet here she is telling them what they feel. Also she talks about herself and her own abusive relationship. And she even mentioned to my children that she doesn’t talk to her own father because she doesn’t like him, and wishes it was different. So she knows that’s how my girls feel. I’m very uneasy to the fact I believe a therapist is suppose to listen to how you feel and work on those feelings, not tell you how she thinks you feel and work on them instead.

  • Lost

    October 11th, 2015 at 4:41 AM

    I’m going through kinda the same thing, and I have tried to do everything right, to keep being treated like she is now my daughters mother! I read your response, and thought of this counselor I’m talking about any chance you from michigan!? We could be talking about the same person! Just started doing my work that I don’t get paid for to fight for my rights! It’s been two years and I feel like I have lost my daughter! I’m so tired and lost on what my next steps are to do!!! My daughter will be 17 in December! 💔

  • Anonymous

    October 26th, 2015 at 11:12 PM

    Lost,

    There’s a therapist I had been seeing in Michigan that did the same to me. Made me feel as though she was a second mother. My mother too felt replaced. Saw her for 4 years until she randomly decided she no longer had time for me or Cared and dropped me in one of the most horrible ways. Do you know the name of this therapist?

  • WhoCares

    September 21st, 2015 at 1:58 PM

    This is not the forum or “pulpit” for converting victims to God. I’m a Christian, but it’s personal to me. This is a discussion and hopefully sometimes answers and solutions to bad therapy. I feel the same as Mem – no one gives a chit and bad therapy is rampant. Pulling out a Bible and praying is not a solution. Rules, regulations and laws, are the answer to the bad therapy that is ongoing. Licensing Boards need to answer to someone higher as they have complete autonomy to their decisions, which usually – 99% – with the therapist and no overseeing of decisions. I’ve been praying for over 50 years and God is not answering me. Obviously there needs to be a better solution.

  • Liz

    September 21st, 2015 at 9:14 PM

    How can one be a Christian and not share one’s faith in the good news?
    I’m convinced some people just want to wallow in their misery and never get better. There is a better way and that’s through faith. I choose to give people a lifeline or an alternate choice to misery. That’s what Jesus came to do. Hugs, Liz

  • Aleathia

    September 22nd, 2015 at 4:21 AM

    I would like to sue my therapist. I was mentally unstable in 2010 my fiance call in Lutheran services. He had me brainwashed and had me thinking that fiance was out to get me. He would tell me what he and my fiance talked about but he lied. Years later I spoke with my fiance and went to another therapy and learned about ethics and boundaries. He tried to make me have an abortion, but when he told me that it was my fault I was child abuseded and raped as a child. I knew I had to get away from him. Yes I was 40 when this happened but he should have not done that to me. Men.have been taking advantage of me my whole life. Now I want to help people who has been in the situation that I was ones in but I don’t think I can do that until I deal with my very own situation so I would like to pursue Michael on criminal charges so how do I do that. Michael is a very educated man he also write books and they actually used his books in the school system I on the other hand am not as smart but I’m smart enough to know that I need to do something about this situation. Because him being around children after what he’s done to me I don’t think it’s a very good idea who knows how many other people he has done this too.

  • Aleathia

    October 18th, 2015 at 11:28 AM

    So I went to the Ga board of counsellors and therapists…..filed a complaint, this was in 2014, no response yet…huh…what was that I read about reporting them to the authorities…not working. His licence are still active and I’ve heard no response from anyone. So what if he’s told me about other clients using that breaking the hippa law?

  • WhoCares

    September 22nd, 2015 at 7:37 AM

    Liz: you don’t know me or my story. I’ll share my faith with whom I want. Here, I am sharing the huge pain I am in because of BAD THERAPY! Granted, some people do “wallow”. But to assume and generalize, is cruel. I am reminded of the following story –
    “I Sent You a Rowboat
    A very religious man was once caught in rising floodwaters. He climbed onto the roof of his house and trusted God to rescue him. A neighbour came by in a canoe and said, “The waters will soon be above your house. Hop in and we’ll paddle to safety.”

    “No thanks” replied the religious man. “I’ve prayed to God and I’m sure he will save me”

    A short time later the police came by in a boat. “The waters will soon be above your house. Hop in and we’ll take you to safety.”

    “No thanks” replied the religious man. “I’ve prayed to God and I’m sure he will save me”

    A little time later a rescue services helicopter hovered overhead, let down a rope ladder and said. “The waters will soon be above your house. Climb the ladder and we’ll fly you to safety.”

    “No thanks” replied the religious man. “I’ve prayed to God and I’m sure he will save me”

    All this time the floodwaters continued to rise, until soon they reached above the roof and the religious man drowned. When he arrived at heaven he demanded an audience with God. Ushered into God’s throne room he said, “Lord, why am I here in heaven? I prayed for you to save me, I trusted you to save me from that flood.”

    “Yes you did my child” replied the Lord. “And I sent you a canoe, a boat and a helicopter. But you never got in.”

  • Lora

    October 1st, 2015 at 2:06 AM

    Therapist preschedules your appointments with you sitting right there when they know that you are having financial difficulty, and they keep doing it. It feels unkind and disrespectful.

  • mer

    October 15th, 2015 at 9:08 PM

    You forgot a few:
    How about takng a call in the middle of Your therapy session and sends you out to the hallway to wait.
    And How about double booking clients and apologizes to you, accepts the other client and sends you home?
    After ten years of counseling all of a sudden decides this is over, writes you an email, it is over that he can’t help you anymore, and as they say, that is that!

  • Mary

    December 2nd, 2015 at 10:30 PM

    Mer,
    My therapist has double booked on me a few times and always kept the other client instead of me. It is humiliating. Also, my therapist gets extremely frustrated and does not hesitate to let me know. If he is in a bad mood, I am well aware of it.

    A few years ago, he was flirting with his young receptionist all the time and she started knocking on the door and interrupting my sessions, not a couple of times but every time I had a session. Need I say he was married. One day I walked in to see them sitting on a couch so closely that their legs were touching – the whole way down from hips to knees. I was shocked.

    Then there was the time that another therapist interrupted my session and asked my therapist to help with her client. My therapist walked out of my session without a word to me. He had his receptionist come in and tell me he needed to cancel and she handed me back my check. I was livid. I would never have gone back but he kept calling me because he knew I was pissed. I was his long standing client and he didn’t hesitate to walk out for someone else’s client who never returned to the practice.

    Two weeks ago, he was in a terrible mood and took plenty of time to start my session. Then, in the middle of our conversation he jumped up and went to the bathroom, slamming the door on his way out. He obviously could have taken care of that before starting the session.

    On many occasions he has started my session late and ended it early.

    Wow, I’m looking at this and trying to figure out why I still go to him….it’s time for a change.

  • silver

    October 19th, 2015 at 9:15 AM

    I’m feeling really unsure about my current therapist, note I’ve had a therapist a while back for depression and this is not about that. I gave my therapist details of my job advisor who is helping me get back in to work as I’ve had serious illness and I understand her talking with my advisor but that was a far as I thought it would go. Now she rearranged a meeting for all three of us to meet up and chat on my work goals and its made me feel really uncomfortable and like she’s forcing her way in to my personal life. It feels like this is out of bounds and wrong and I’ve never heard off other therapists doing this…plus she keeps on asking to talk to my partner (Claiming that its about my illness and how he’s coping) and to me myself and my partner is none of her damn business. I don’t know if this is normal and I’m starting to get really weary and feel like I’m loosing trust. Does anyone have any advice on this?

  • John

    October 28th, 2015 at 12:30 PM

    Bit of a long story here about what not to do.
    My wife had an addiction to pain pills and was taking about 10 Vicodins a day at one point and drinking heavily. During the height of her addiction she had an emotional and physical affair with a coworker visiting from another office. I was seeing a particular therapist for help with some work related anxiety, and didn’t know about the affair yet, but I could see my wife was struggling, so I gave up my spot for her. The affair came to light shortly after.
    This therapist told her that taking 10 Vicodins a day was not an addiction, but rather she was just misusing them, self medicating. I confirmed this with him. That was his belief. It wasn’t something my wife made up as justification. As they discussed the affair, he asked very explicit sexual questions, really out of line. Like did she perform orally on her affair partner to completion, sexual positions, did she orgasm with the other man, how many times. Other very explicit questions. He told her not to tell me any of the emotional and sexual details, and diminish anything she felt compelled to tell me. Told her to be stoic. He also told her to embellish certain parts of the affair, like the number of orgasms she had with the other man. I still can’t figure that one out. He never called us in for couples counseling, told her to bury the affair and not to talk about it.
    She continued to see him for 3 years after the affair and he never helped resolve her drug issues, the affair issues. He spent the entire three years trying to help her understand if she wanted to stay with me. The man basically tried to break up our marriage instead of trying to save it. I just learned these things a little while ago. The affair was 15 years ago. If I had known he was being this inappropriate and unhelpful I would have reported him to whatever governing board he was associated with. He also shared details of the affair with our PCP. At one point he told me our PCP was his patient and that he had a lot of issues. Very unprofessional.

    Basically, he asked sexual questions for his perverse pleasure, and worked to destroy our marriage. 15 years later we’re still together and trying to undo the damage he did.

  • Ronisa

    November 2nd, 2015 at 6:32 PM

    Okay, so I’be been attending physical therapy since the beginning of September because I pulled one of my ligaments. I was supposed to be done by October 2. He gave me an extra 2 weeks as an encouragement to make me feel that I am 100% okay with my knee. The 2 weeks turned into a month, & once he gave me my exam he said I was perfectly okay, yet he assigned me nine extra sessions even though I feel like I’m 100% ready to get back on my feet. Any suggestions on what I should do

  • Elaine

    November 11th, 2015 at 4:43 PM

    I had a weird feeling about the therapist my children and I were seeing.vdddd regarding my ex husbands domestic abuse. At the very beginning she told me she would not treat my ex who I have a restraining order against. After 8 sessions I found out not only was my ex in contact with her once he found out about therapy, but she started to see him without me knowing. She was shocked that I blew up over her counseling my ex. My ex then had her come into court where she told the judge she believed I had borderline personality issuses, something she never said to me. I have no idea what to do.

  • Lisaw

    November 19th, 2015 at 8:04 AM

    I am confused. I am a female seeing a male therapist. I am experiencing some mega erotic transference toward him which makes me a bit uncomfortable. I told him this and he seemed to handle it very professionally, stating that the attraction is natural, but that it could go no further than that. Recently, he has been directing the subject to my sex life, which we discuss in great detail. I even know what turns him on. While I do enjoy these conversations because, as stated before, I am attracted to him, I wonder how this is affecting my healing process. He also uses hypnosis which seems to get rather sexual..to the point of orgasm. Is this normal, should I be concerned?

  • Red

    November 21st, 2015 at 3:34 AM

    No, Lisaw, it’s not normal or okay (and it’s not your fault). You should not know anything about his sexuality and he should not be telling you. He is most likely a predator and you need to leave. Google “Therapy Exploitation Link Line” to find out more.

  • Thomas W

    November 22nd, 2015 at 9:04 AM

    I have been seeing a female counselor in Blue Ridge, GA for about 3 months and have seen her about 12 times. She advertises herself as a Licensed Clinical Social Worker and her credentials include a PhD. She claims to treat: PTSD, Depression, Sex Addiction, Suicide ideation, Sex offenders, Trauma, Narcissistic personality, and personality disorders. She uses EMDR, Gestalt therapy, Hypnotherapy, and CBT.

    I have been in therapy off and on for 33 years and have never found anyone who could help me. I have been hospitalized in psychiatric hospitals 13 times from 1982 – 2003. I have seen over 150 different therapists, psychiatrists, and other forms of counselors. I encounter the same problems with everyone I go to. I share my pain, my trauma, my resentment towards women, the pain from porn addiction, loneliness, sexual need and frustration, the loss of over 16 jobs from depression or acting out anger on the job, no girlfriend, no friends, and feeling suicidal all the time. The therapists in turn become angry and judgmental towards me. I feel attacked and become defensive and either quit the therapist or they end the relationship and refuse to work with me. I am at the most hopeless point of my life right now. I don’t know how I am going to pay my upcoming rent and car payment and keep my independence. An attorney has volunteered to help me regarding the recent termination of my job on October 17, 2015 because she believes I was fired because I reported to my supervisor I was feeling depressed and had been seeing a therapist. The attorney is planning on filing litigation against my former employer. But that is another story and not for this post.

    What I want to share regarding this current therapist in Blue Ridge, GA is the following. First of all it is highly doubtful I will be going back. My next appointment is November 25, 2015. I have been in conflict with her most of the time I have been seeing her. I feel all she cares about is her money and getting paid. And I pay her$100.00 in cash each time I see her because I have no insurance. I always pay her and never try to avoid paying her or asking her for a discount. I am angry with her because I lost my job 5 weeks ago and was telling her weeks before that I needed help not to lose the job because if I did I would be in dire straits. She basically ignores everything I say is hurting me and she wants to attribute all my problems to my childhood and the way I was raised. She is totally inflexible and this is hurting me immensely. She also works from the comfort of her own home and I think that should be outlawed for all therapists. I believe it is highly unfair for a therapist to work out of their home and not be required to have an independent office in a business district in the city they work from. But that is another story for another time.

    So here is the tactic she is using now to bully me. RELIGION. She has now strayed totally away from her training and has not attempted to use one of the areas of expertise she claims she has. She is now teaching God, Jesus, and Satan to me telling me I have strayed from God. She now tells me she does not know how to help me and that she cannot help me because I hate God and refuse to accept Jesus Christ into my life. I am very distraught and feel terrible fear and trauma over her religious bullying. She sent the latest bullying in an email that I am about to share here on this post. When I read it I felt attacked and felt very suicidal and hopeless. I emailed her back and told her that I am considering reporting her behavior to the Georgia Licensing Board. She did not reply and I hope I have her feeling scared. I was raised in the Southern Baptist Church in Central Fla and I still retain the scars of guilt and shame from those years. I do not have a relationship with God or Jesus and that is my business. I am a metaphysical person and consider myself spiritual but not religious. I want to share the email the current therapist sent me about 4 days ago. I have it in italics but it may not transfer with italics to the Good Therapy Blog. The email starts with: I know the picture appears hopeless right now and ends with: I continue to pray for your release from bondage. So here it is. I will resume commenting at the end of her email:
    ——————————————————————————————————————

    I know the picture appears hopeless right now. If getting your job back in Florida gives you some hope then I would explore that option. I understand wanting to blame God, and I understand that you don’t want that approach right now. You have been in darkness so long, convincing yourself that you can figure this out on your own, convincing yourself that the darkness is offering you safety and protection, when in reality it is creating so much pain that you don’t want to live anymore. You can’t see your greatness inside of you because Satan hates everything that is of God. That is why you are repelled by it . Until you cry out for help from the one that can truly set you free from your bondage, which is God’s son, Jesus, then you will remain right where Satan wants you which is scared, alone, addicted, angry, and hopeless. Satan has done a great job breaking you down on almost every level possible. Satan has a legal right to hold you captive right now because you hate God, and until you make the decision to want to break free, God cannot and will not intervene on your behalf. But, when you decide to lay your pride, anger and revenge aside and ask God for help, then he will begin a healing process inside of you. You can’t have a relationship with women, therapists and co-workers because everything everyone does hurts you and makes you enraged. Until you cry out for help from your creator, the one that can truly heal you, you are going to continue to cling to your anger and resentments as if they are saving you, when in reality they are killing you.

    I believe in you Wayne. I believe you chose to come see me for a reason. It is up to you to make the next step. God did not do these things to you. He simply respected your decision to walk away from him and do it on your own. We are not designed to walk this earth without his help. This world belongs to Satan. He was given authority on earth to those that chose to live without God’s protection. However, he gave us free will to chose. You have chosen the path that you’re on, and look where it has lead. To your destruction. God can and will heal you, but you cannot get to God without accepting his Son, Jesus. God changed the rules when he sent his Son 2000 years ago to show us the way to healing, to love, to compassion, to forgiveness, to mercy, to our power and strength through him. I know that the pain, shame and anger that you carry is deep, and heavy to carry. I know you cannot keep going on like you are. I pray that you will ask him to heal you on every level. All it takes is you to ask. He is present with you at every moment, waiting patiently for you to see the truth. Waiting patiently for you to ask him. When you ask him to heal you, you will see the truth and you will know the truth. Right now you are living under a veil of lies. I continue to pray for your healing and your release from bondage. If I knew another way, I would offer it. But I do not. (end of therapist’s quote)

    When I read this email I felt very suicidal and began searching the internet for stories of other patients who were threatened with Religion by a therapist. And that is how I found this Good Therapy Blog. Her email opened up a lot of wounds and guilt feelings. It deeply upsets me that this woman is thriving in her practice while I am about to lose everything. She has two homes and owns 9 horses and a ranch she uses for equine therapy. She just returned from an overseas vacation. I have paid over $1000.00 of money out of my pocket that I really cannot afford and the only person it has benefited is this therapist. Is there anyone of you who may read this in favor or support of me reporting her to the appropriate agency?

  • Liz

    November 22nd, 2015 at 2:31 PM

    Thomas,
    She sounds like a wonderfully compassionate counselor to me. If you have been to as many counselors as you say and still have not solved your problems – that is telling. This counselor doesn’t have anything left to give you but a relationship with Jesus Christ that will solve your problems. It appears that you really do not want a solution or you have been stuck so long that you are blinded by the truth. She does not need to be reported. And she is not bullying you with religion. She is giving you the only and last option that will really heal you. It’s now your decision to follow her counsel and face what you have been running from and be free or keep running and be miserable.

  • jordan

    November 22nd, 2015 at 2:16 PM

    Thomas – I’m so sorry to hear you’ve gone through so much, and your current therapist sounds like a terrible person and you should definitely report her if you can. (Maybe ask your lawyer how to go about that.) She should not be pushing religion on you especially since you had a painful experience with it growing up. A therapist should never push an agenda, that’s just horrible practice and it doesn’t help you at all. It really stinks that you’ve had a hard time finding a good therapist and I hope you do.
    I also want you to know that everything she said is completely false. You’re not a bad person, and you’re not causing your problems by letting Satan in. You’re not doomed and you don’t need God to find your way to happiness, and it’s ok to hate God. All of that is just a bunch of really scary religious BS. You’ve been through some tough times and you deserve compassion, not exploitation from someone who does not care about you. I truly wish you the best in finding good help and in everything.

  • Mary

    November 22nd, 2015 at 6:20 PM

    Thomas,
    I am only one person and my opinions are only mine – no one else’s. As they say in Al-Anon, take what you like and leave the rest. You have a heart and a mind, trust your own instincts and listen to that small voice within you – consider that you might be ok and you have everything you need already within you. Look inside yourself and take care of yourself – never mind other people. Self-care, loving ourselves and taking good care of ourselves is crucial and if we didn’t learn it in our childhoods then we can learn it now. Melody Beatty has some excellent books on codependence and healing ourselves from early pain. She is a kind and compassionate writer. Be kind and compassionate to yourself, then build on that foundation.

    I have had alot of therapy and been to AA and Al-Anon, even codependence anonymous and while I still struggle with some painful issues and feelings, I am at least taking better care of myself and I see now that I alone am responsible to take care of and heal myself. And – I can do it !

    Reparenting ourselves, loving ourselves can be learned and it makes a world of difference.

    These are just my own thoughts and feelings, and experiences for what they are worth.

  • Thomas W

    November 23rd, 2015 at 5:58 AM

    Attention Good therapy blog moderator: I deeply resent and object to the presence of Liz and her comments to me and others on this blog. You are truly acting irresponsible and out of line with your own Terms of conditions. I did not come here to receive lecture on God and religion. There are others her who will agree. Please remove her comments to me and if not, I will never visit this site again or share my views. If you are allowing this type of content to be shared on this blog by “Liz”, then you do not have our best interests at heart and only your own. And Jordan, if you get to see this which is highly unlikely, than you for your kind comment and support regarding my experience with my therapist.

  • Who Cares

    November 23rd, 2015 at 8:29 AM

    ThomasW: GOOD FOR YOU! You are exactly right in all you wrote. I had to send several upsetting emails to get a comment removed by Liz that was hurtful, disturbing and angered me so much I wanted to punch walls. She is going to hurt someone. This is not the place for religion as you say!! It’s about bad therapy and finding ways to regulate them and the laws surrounding their boards (social work) boards that refuse to listen to the client and stand up always for the therapist.. Mine should have been arrested for what she did. Thank you for writing this comment! I too have written the blog email with the same sentiments.

  • Edwin

    November 23rd, 2015 at 9:44 AM

    Thomas, I’m just writing to support you. Liz’ comment was completely uncalled for.

  • Thomas W

    November 23rd, 2015 at 11:03 AM

    Thank you both: “Edwin” and “Who Cares” for your supportive comments regarding “Liz” and her pushing her religious views onto me, you two, and others. Here is #40 from the “50 Warning Signs of Questionable Therapy and Counseling” that Good Therapy put on this blog when it was first created: #40 Therapist tries to push spirituality or religion on to you. I find it hypocritical that Good Therapy posts this as one of the warning signs yet allows a participant in the blog “Liz” to use and push her religion onto me and others who have come here for support. And I guess you all have noticed: “Liz’s comments remain”. I noticed the moderator does not care to comment on any of this. Thanks again to “Who cares” and “Edwin” for your support and encouragement. One final note on religion: It was once said that religion is an opiate for the masses and so it is. People who turn to religion because they are unable to take responsibility for their own lives and actions, become afraid, and then go looking for a higher power to bail them out. Offering religion to alleviate another’s suffering is always a cop out. The person who does so is coming from a deep seated sense of inadequacy and despair because they cannot solve the pain in their own lives. “God” is not going to help anyone who does not first help themselves. Offering religion to another’s suffering is a disguised form of blatant attack and criticism. Except in “Liz’s” case it is not disguised at all, but readily view able for all those willing to look beneath the covers. It is essentially nothing more than an act of judgment towards another’s being and circumstances. I stand by my original post that this site does not really hold your best interests at heart. Par for the course in the mental health community.

  • MEH

    December 29th, 2015 at 11:10 PM

    Thomas – I had the exact same thought: the mods are demonstrating the behavior they cautioned about. They might argue that that this site is not the same as therapy, but that’s ridiculous. They are inviting comments from people about therapy – and some people have had their issues caused or compounded by religion. I note that “Liz’s” posts also violate other behaviors they warned about (e.g., blaming the poster for his or her situation). Seems clear that there is no interest in issues related to therapy, only a desire to prostletize. I found this site tonight by accident while looking for something completely different and thought it was very good – until I saw that this was being permitted. Seems to me it could cause real harm to posters – I am so outraged I’m writing this post. For the record, not that it matters, I am religious and observant. We aren’t all like “Liz”. MEH

  • The GoodTherapy.org Team

    December 30th, 2015 at 10:12 AM

    Dear MEH,

    Thank you for your comment. The GoodTherapy.org Team welcomes discussion from all blog readers. We understand everyone has different experiences, beliefs, and paths to well-being, and we encourage individuals to express their own circumstances in a respectful way. GoodTherapy.org does not endorse any comments left by readers of the blog.

    Religious issues, along with many other concerns, may compound mental health conditions in some, but individuals are free to submit comments on any experience with mental health concerns and/or therapy.

    Thank you for your contributions to our blog.

    Kind regards,
    The GoodTherapy.org Team

  • Who Cares

    November 23rd, 2015 at 1:30 PM

    ThomasW: AGAIN, you speak exactly right! I am a Christian, but THAT Is MY business and what I do with it. Liz’s comments border on the “wizard of oz”. It took days, but they did finally remove Liz’s offensive comment – only because I think they saw just HOW disturbing it was to me. The discussion should go as you say. And her way is NOT the way! Thanks for speaking up again :).

  • ASD

    November 23rd, 2015 at 10:14 PM

    AMEN to ThomasW and WhoCares. It is hurtful, hateful , and manipulative when ANYONE uses religion to belittle another human being. Everyone has the right to experience life’s journey ON THEIR OWN TERMS. Life is too short to EVER put up with the unwanted gift of GUILT. Just because someone has a PHD doesn’t make them superior to anyone else. Some of the worse atrocities of the last 100 years can be attributed to people whose reckless and short-sighted scholarly “insights” people listened to – whether that insight be of a religious or academic nature. Unless your mind is physically damaged or chemically imbalanced, it is the of the same make-up as those with a pedigree telling you how to live your life. Never doubt your intuition. If someone makes you feel uncomfortable (whether it be a therapist, or family member), and they refuse to acknowledge and mitigate your discomfort then choose to get away from them (because you may not be able to control the choices of others, you certainly CAN control your choices). It is irresponsible to have a forum like this where there are vulnerable people who are looking for thoughtful and caring answers to be potentially preyed upon (pun intended) by the ignorance and callousness of religious fanatics. Liz’s comments were extremely offensive and I am grateful they were eventually removed.

  • Thomas W

    November 24th, 2015 at 9:30 AM

    Attention: “Who Cares” Thank you again for your support. Also thank you for not being offended by what I said regarding my thoughts on religion. These were not directed towards you, but Liz only. I felt concerned later because you to had mentioned you were a “Christian”. So, I am not criticizing you in any way.

  • The GoodTherapy.org Team

    November 24th, 2015 at 4:20 PM

    Hello commenters,

    We here at GoodTherapy.org encourage open commentary from people of all backgrounds. We would like to remind everyone to please be respectful and remain inclusive in your comments on GoodTherapy.org articles.

    Kinds regards,

    The GoodTherapy.org Team

  • Divine

    November 24th, 2015 at 7:21 PM

    I am deeply saddened to hear of many of your experiences in therapy. I myself am a therapist, and a Christian, but I could never imagine judging and pushing “my agenda” as some of you have experienced. A skilled and ethical therapist always puts the client first, especially their values and desired outcomes for therapy. They should never set goals for you or tell you there is only one method to achieve your goal. I have been hurt in my personal life by being judged by people who did not take the time to understand me or my situation which has largely informed how I practice professionally. Therapists have a special obligation due to the power differential and ethics to “do no harm”. On behalf of the therapy community and the Christian community, I am truly sorry for your negative experiences. Please do not give up hope and do not give up on therapy. There are many good therapists out there and I hope that you can find one that you mesh with well and can develop a good working relationship with. Take care.

  • Who Cares

    November 24th, 2015 at 7:38 PM

    ThomasW – believe me, I was not offended. True I am a Christian, and Liz’s comments were offensive! It’s personal, and I even agree, this is not the place for her rhetoric or shoving God and the Bible down people’s throats. It is neither a personal solution to fixing bad therapy. I believe laws and regulations are the only way, and I have seen none of that on the state or federal level. Believe me I have contacted reps, the governor, the dir of the board of social work – nothing is being done and therapists are getting away with causing severe damage. I don’t think God will be swooping down to solve this issue. So no offense taken. Whether I pray is my business and does not belong on here either way. Liz’s comments are cruel, thoughtless and offensive – AND, ASD: unfortunately Liz’s comments have NOT been removed. Just the one that made me ballistic. She is not helping in anyway (come one Moderator – are you just a web person or actually involved in this “bad therapy blog”) – ASD: makes a good point about the rules of BAD therapy and she is pushing religion, being frivolous and hurtful. I wouldn’t be surprised if SHE WAS a therapist! Better days to you, ThomasW and ASD.

  • Who Cares

    November 24th, 2015 at 7:45 PM

    ThomasW – want you to know, whatever the religion, I totally agree with your comments:
    People who turn to religion because they are unable to take responsibility for their own lives and actions, become afraid, and then go looking for a higher power to bail them out. Offering religion to alleviate another’s suffering is always a cop out. The person who does so is coming from a deep seated sense of inadequacy and despair because they cannot solve the pain in their own lives. “God” is not going to help anyone who does not first help themselves. Offering religion to another’s suffering is a disguised form of blatant attack and criticism. Except in “Liz’s” case it is not disguised at all, but readily view able for all those willing to look beneath the covers. It is essentially nothing more than an act of judgment towards another’s being and circumstances. I stand by my original post that this site does not really hold your best interests at heart. Par for the course in the mental health community.” Right on.

  • john

    November 25th, 2015 at 4:45 PM

    Hey Thomas- Unhelpful thinking– hurtful–troubled– whatever word you want to apply or identify with– is thinking, 99 out of 100 of us, will eventually overcome– its life buddy– some carry a ton some carry a few kilos–some carry too much, and for too long, but most of us identify with those thoughts and those times during our lives— not identifying — overcoming– takes time– maturity–and effort– but words are what makes things right– always have been always will be–the “right words” from the “right person” at the right time–for the right reasons– they can be counsellors–psychologists– someone you meet on a tram or a train-a friend- even a drunk at a pub might give us some words that might just help us get over a hurdle we never thought we could or would–coping mechanisms in words–seeing the good, or bad– in words– is what saves us– helps us find our way out of the darkness–any darkness– if I were you id be happy I didn’t knock on a psychiatrists door at the local bin for your troubles– because on the up side if you had, you’d probably be in the bin, drugged very uncomfortably, off your face– with no idea about when you might be free– both bodily and mentally– or you’d be out in the community on a treatment order, drugged very uncomfortably, off your face–all the way to your grave– against your wishes– so to be honest, id be very happy I just had my freedom of mind and body– and the right to choose and investigate your own method of healing–finding out what might help you– for yourself–and not someone else’s idea of what might help you– that in fact, more than likely, might harm you — hallelujah — might help some people– and might really bother others– if its not for you then its not– don’t worry about the messenger– im sure the messenger means well– however not right –for you–they might be about it– the main thing is you not being bothered about it, or by it– smell the roses– breath the air– feel the warmth off the sun– you’ve got a life ahead of you– don’t worry– you need to live– life is a biorythmic roller-coaster– learning to ride the ride, the ups and downs– the sharp turns etc– is all part of a life journey– talking to anyone who has learnt words and ways to ride some of the journey comfortably can only help– their out there mate– just gotta strike up a conversation to find out– and again it doesn’t have to be a counsellor–or a professional– even though one would expect them to come better equipped– they don’t always– and some people aren’t the right people for some people– some people we just don’t click with– i reckon outside of what you might have found not quite right about your relationship with your counsellor– it may have just been a matter of the wrong person, at the wrong time, for you– someone you just didn’t really click with– or vice verso–it was a punt–like it is and would be with any other person– and it didn’t pay off–that’s all– they weren’t the right person for you– and even though they might have done rude or wrong things to you–for you– and in your opinion– id still reckon its got a lot more to do with personalities– than good or bad therapy–or before good or bad therapy– put it down to experience– fortune — good or bad– and keep searching for good words and messages–lessons–within and out– they’re coming anyway– believe me– time and maturity sorts most things out– just stay on track to find out– never stop seeking–learning–your gonna be OK– in the meantime you be your counsellor — and keep telling yourself that — as you get older you get stronger and wiser– you’ve got a lot to look forward to as you grow and cope better– you’ve just gotta believe it.

  • Thomas W

    November 26th, 2015 at 5:32 PM

    In response to John: I resonate with a lot of what you have to say and there is that I don’t resonate with too much. But at least I don’t feel as attacked and judged by you as I do from most people I interact with. I am thinking you are from the U.K. or Europe somewhere and that is ok if you are. The “Bin” you were referring to I am well acquainted with. The “Bin” John is referring to is being locked up and committed in a mental hospital, drugged, mistreated and ignored and then coming out a million times more traumatized than you were going in. Another thing John seems to believe is that I am a young man. I am 58, hardly a young man anymore. My first commitment happened when I was 25 living in Lakeland, FL. So this time that John thinks I have a lot of to look forward to better days is a lot bogus.

    During the period of 1982 through 2003 I have been locked up against my will 8 times. A lot of my self hate and hatred of therapists and distrust has come from the horrors and misery I experienced locked up in mental hospitals These happened in 3 states: Florida, Georgia, and once in New Orleans. The part that angers me most is that in most of these instances I was under the care of a therapist who was refusing to acknowledge or recognize the pain I was in, were not saying the right words, not showing empathy, understanding, and were displaying anger and impatience towards me and my problems. It always happened the same way. I would become suicidal in between a therapy appointment. I either could not reach the therapist or did not want to because I felt they were useless. I either threatened suicide or expressed homicidal feelings either to a crisis line I had called or made the mistake of telling someone whom I thought was my friend who in actuality was not. Then anywhere from 6 to 12 police cars show up, I am handcuffed, and a short time later I committed to mental hospital. I was usually there from 3 days to 6 days and it was a horrible experience. In all but the first two times I was locked up I was totally alone and had no one to help me get out buy myself. Even though I have not been locked up since 2003 still every time I see a police car or an officer I think they are watching me.

    I want to talk about what John said about “right words being spoken”. And he is absolutely right. All therapy and counseling is is the sharing of ideas (words) by the therapist to the patient in hopes the patient will feel supported and understood which hopefully will result in changed behavior and thinking for the better. Sounds simple enough but I guarantee you it is not. The “right words” are rarely spoken to me the patient. Even the right words spoken at the wrong time by the wrong person create more resentment and destructive behavior from the patient. Misspoken words or the lack of the right words when I needed to hear them are the reasons I ended up in the back of police cars on the way to a Hell Hole called a mental hospital 8 times.

    You may wonder why I go back. PAIN AND LONELINESS drive me to once again reach out for help only to be re wounded over and over again. Look at Elliott Rodgers, James Holmes, Adam Lanza, and other rage killers. All of them were in treatment in the mental health system and did not receive the help they needed because the therapists were not committed in helping them or got involved with other professionals to get them the help they needed before they became mass killers. You have got to understand this: Most therapists are dangerous and do not have anyone’s best interest at heart. A therapeutic relationship is a bought relationship financed by money and therefore cannot lead to real healing. A bought relationship is a poor substitute for a real relationship with someone who cares.

    It should be mandatory that every therapist has to experience being “Baker Acted” (The state of Florida’s term for commitment) before they can receive their license and practice. Every therapist needs to experience firsthand what their patient if about to experience when they pick up the phone to commit their client. In all the times I was committed, not one of the therapists I was in treatment with came to visit me or even call me while I was locked up. For those of you who don’t know: Being put in a mental hospital against your will is the same as being treated as criminal and thrown in Jail. The only difference is you don’t come out with a criminal record, but you do come out with a Death Sentence hanging around your neck for life. And that is no exaggeration.

  • john

    November 26th, 2015 at 9:34 PM

    Thanks for your reply Thomas– sorry about the assumption of you being young — and a whole life ahead of you– which made my whole speal about it a bit dodgy– well in your instance– being locked up that many times— i can fully understand your distrust in therapists—especially the affiliated– which is another thing ive written about elsewhere– that being that, once you are abused by mental health– and then expected to sit down with the people affiliated through their own departments– their own sell out therapists–they(psychiatric oppression) have killed the truly honest–truly caring– and empathetic therapists– you might want to see privately– dead in their tracks– because of the abuse association–they dirty the waters– for the good therapist –who might be able to help/nurture- bringing you a step forward–only to have them dragged back two steps by forced debilitating medications–poisons–and oppressive coercion– which ive been told by a therapist and a psychologist– as well as instinctively know—and have seen with my own eyes–so im with you– and unedrstand exactly how you feel–if a therapist had the power to make the people keeping you down– help you withdraw slowly and carefully–safely–come away from the debilitation in the poisons—that only the doctor abusing you can do–but actually cant–( theyve only recently admitted to)then we all might be ok–but half the community of counsellors and therapoists–psychologists– have sold out to psychiatry–these days– who sell out to drug companies and their own misery driven organisation philosophy–and– who stole their patients off them(therapists) somewhere in the seventies-now hold no authority–or ability to be able to actually help–and to some extent –are part of the same psychiatric injured community– we all live in– and are effected-and hampered by that– in the execution of their care duty– just the way psychiatry planned it –wanted it– and now have it. Power–attention—dollars-the three most addictive drugs on the planet-its what drives us. Im amazed you got out in six days– over here where i am– the worst place in the world for psychiatric abuse and CTOs-community treatment orders— that being Victoria–Australia–it took for one hospital incarceration– 117 days-( the quickest was ten– but because they sent them home all fixed up — but on one of those drugs that make them agitate and ratty– were back in a week –for another twenty days– ten of those– still on the offending poison)) because the imbecile thing of a doctor– used all the drugs– that the person hallucinated on, or elevated big time on, or agitated on — before they actually used the drugs– they only needed to use– that the person needed to escape from– and was suffering a neuroleptic withdrawal psychosis from– the inevitable neuroleptic withdrawal psychosis–that everyone who who has had to try to escape the debilitation from– un-needed-poison — suffers.

    –standard–par for the course– revolving door–occurence–that will always be called a lie–a “relapse” back to your “real mental illness”and not what it actually is– a neuroleptic withdrawal psychosis—-. we’re up to ten eleven returns– incarecerations–over 13 to 14 yrs–when the only safe window to withdraw– is in first episode conditions– and in the first three to six weeks–of incarceration and a potential lifetime of adverse medication abuse– called treatment– any time after that will cause a neuroleptic withdrawal psychosis– that the people debilitating people with–know– and admit debilitates some–but cant do, safely, especially–after that small window of opportuntity. hence –the relapse story—–the lie.

    The right words– preety hard to get right words from a misery driven– more than often misery causing organisation– black hearts, cant lie straight in bed– let alone speak truth– honesty–sincerity– when they deep down, carry the guilt that lives in their hearts, from all the abuse, they are complicit in.

    –hearts need to be clean– to send the right messages to the brain– ((yes– hearts have a brain too–in case you didnt know))–in order to impart words- that the brain and mouth can use– to heal with-

    to heal a mind- a heart -and its mind–brain–they cant be breaking that heart at the same time– as anyone with half a brain– or a smidge of compassion, intelligence-would tell you– would think and know.

    mental health–psychiatry–its almost like its shhhh dont tell em ok—tell em their &^%$$&d – get the bag—shhhhh.

    That’s what i see. feel—think—because they go together—thinking people (academics) are vested in thinking—their good at it–so they take the opportunity to use thinking stories related to their special ability—thinking and memory—their chosen, interest—for instance–thinking drugs –that mess with feelings, to fix— what’s directly and intrinsically connected to the heart– and the hearts brain at the same time—is a fools crime–made by most of the best memory thinking people on the planet– how bents that, how crooked are these peoiple, how stupid are these best thinking memory people on the planet–who in the most –come from, their thinking thing in the top of their head, to fix troubles of the heart– in people who 9/10 have broken hearts–trauma– effecting their thinking and feeling.

    their HEART and, their head thinking thing–is a relationship—the head travels with the heart to and from the thinking thing independantly and together–two entities– two minds– but always –together—and always reliant on one another—like even now as i write I’m relying so much on my heart—my feelings –as i look towards my gut and my heart—and try to come form there–i can feel my hearts warmth reaching into my brain– and my braing helping me type words directly from my heart—driven created reasoned in my heart– and heart brain – then sent to my thinking thing—that makes all the moves on the keyboard- another reason breaking a heart doesnt fix a brain–theyre together. each effecting each other– talking to each other–guiding each other. all i can say is find a good heart Thomas– talk to a good heart.

    I can dig what your saying about bought therapy–but people need to be paid for what they work at– doing a good job is only as good as their heart is –the feeling –thinking thing.a good heart speaks good words–usually–good people with good hearts arent in it for the money–theyre in it to help– and seeing that happen is their reward– is their pay.

    To me the biggest crime of mental health–psychiatry- is the chance– they give “no one” theyve decided are mad-and then “manage” to a grave- to prove-their sanity-their ability to live their life free of the forced poisons they say are debilitating them- in fact causing them to not be able to cope-in all so many ways-and the only window to test that safely,and to give them some “hope”– being central to recovery—is in the first three weeks, to six weeks–and untill that right–that chance to those who say theyre ok now– but please take away this debilitating poison–is given– then they can only be seen and treated how they treat others– no chance– no belief–no “hope” and abusive.desnt matter what they(psychiatry) call it,imagine it to be– and like you say a good dose of their own medicine- is the onlky way for themn to really know– and thats not going to happen is it?– so-for psychiatry and mental health—-. what you get- is what you give. What you see–is what we get, when we wish it was what you get–which is what its supposed to be. Always has been –always will be in our hearts and minds– and they cant change that–no matter how much they poison us– can they. Well, let’s hope not– All the best Thomas–your an ok bloke mate– i hope you find someone special, and good, to help you overcome all that has weighed, and weighs on you. Be good — and you know where that comes from– stay close to that.

  • OC

    November 28th, 2015 at 8:48 AM

    I am taking an on line class on counseling. We have an assignment that require us to reveal our greatest hurt and then a paper on our lives and the hurts in them, included in the example was included our sexual issues in the past. This seems very wrong to me. When I questioned the instructor, he refused to state why he needed this information. I am very concern about this. What is the purpose of this assignment of a tell all paper that goes only to the instructor. We have no counselee-counselor relationship, nor have I agreed to one, only one as a student-teacher relationship. What is going on here? What am I missing?

  • Thomas W

    November 28th, 2015 at 2:49 PM

    Attention O.C. You don’t really give enough information for me to make a really insightful comment regarding your instructor and the online class. For example:
    Are you a man or woman?
    What is the name of the school?
    Have you actually met the instructor in person?
    Where is the school located physically that is offering such a class?
    Are you taking the class to learn how to be a counselor or are you taking the class to receive counseling online for your problems?

    Regardless however. There is definitely something wrong and no you don’t want to go any further with this class or instructor. He is probably trying to get his sexual urges and needs met reading or listening to you and others talk about their own sexuality. He would be using your answers as a form of audio only pornography or becoming aroused from reading what you share. NO WAY!!! Would I recommend you continue. And I would greatly encourage you to report him to the school administration “if there is one” or to local law enforcement. He has some form of sex or porn addiction and needs to get treatment himself?

  • Mary

    December 3rd, 2015 at 4:45 PM

    My therapist told me that he can tell when someone is codependent because “his skin crawls when he is around them.”

    He also said that people who are obese with skin folds are “disgusting”.

  • Katt Paw

    December 6th, 2015 at 9:22 PM

    I am very sorry to hear of your experience of therapeutic abandonment, considered to be one of the most egregious problems in field of psychotherapy. If you feel you have been abandoned by your therapist or are in any other way being treated unethically or unprofessionally, you can report your grievance the therapist’s licensing board. This should be fairly easy to find online be searching for “your state” and “the therapist’s specific license or title” and the word “board.” There are thousands of great therapists out there; be sure to shop around and follow the guidelines on this site and others in selecting your next counselor or therapist. I hope you will not be too discouraged by this experience which is unusual and fairly rare I would say and that you will find another therapist very soon.

  • Who Cares

    December 7th, 2015 at 10:39 AM

    KattPaw – comments appreciated, but not realistic. There are no good therapists in Maine for PTSD/MDSA (mother-daughter sexual abuse). In addition, I have filed many reports with the Maine OLR of Social Workers – they never interviewed the witnesses, researched the emails in possession verifying the assault. The Director has no say, as I’ve been told. The board is above rebuke, they always stand by the therapist. Even including the assault, the therapist never gave referrals which is under the code of ethics for SW’s; she also charged money for reports, which alone is against the law. For her assault, she should have been arrested. Neither the courts nor the cops are educated or concerned. So at this point in my life, I have given up. Even wrote the governor, the reps, nasw, nami, and many others. no hope, no caring. cancer will give me much more including death.

  • Lisa

    December 16th, 2015 at 11:12 AM

    My marriage has been rocky for a long time… We have been in therapy for 7 of 10 yrs. the two therapists we saw before my husband was arrested were unbiased professionals who we had never met before. We made progress with both. Since his arrest my husband has been in “therapy” with a friend of his family… I was referred by him to a colleague of his. We did therapy separate. My husband has also moved in with the two biggest offenders of his rights: his parents. Since his arrest my husband has gone from openly admitting to his mother in front of myself and a friend that he indeed has been treating me poorly… To “this is all your fault”. We had one group session ( my therapist, myself, my husband and his so-called therapist) I was told by my therapist that this FIRST group meeting’s goal would b to establish some guidelines for communication between my husband and myself and to also establish “parameters” for proceeding with therapy towards a healthy marriage. Instead the session was his family friend (the so-called therapist of his) pointing his finger at me making eye contact most of the hour with only myself and stating, ” you don’t get between a she lion and her cub” and ” your employers family and my family go way back” and “how dare I accuse him of having an affair with a professional” and ” any man would b afraid of a woman who calls him a molester” and my husbands parents “r much better now than they were when he was first arrested thanks to my efforts”
    I do NOT feel that this person should b treating my husband under the guise of a “professional”. I do not feel that he is acting in my husband or our marriage’s favor but in fact has a hidden agenda with my husbands parents to sabotage our marriage so his mommy can have him all to herself. What would you do?

  • Lisa

    December 17th, 2015 at 8:19 AM

    Today I submitted a complaint on this so called therapist seeing my husband.

  • Lisa

    December 18th, 2015 at 9:30 PM

    Hmmm no reply yet?

  • Lisa

    January 14th, 2016 at 6:48 PM

    Wondering why no reply to my dec 16th diatribe?….

  • garnett

    December 29th, 2015 at 6:02 AM

    I has in a relationship for 13 years my boyfriend lived next to this lady therapist.she would council him on her own.he is not one to tell problems but she convinced him i was cheating on him and i was not and she got him to break up with me and dhe started sleeping with him.Isnt that unethical? To get into our business for her personal gain?

  • garnett

    December 29th, 2015 at 6:09 AM

    My boyfriend of 13 years lived next door to a women therapist.She took it unpond herself to get in our personal relationship.He was not a client.And try to tell my boyfriend at the time i was cheating on him which i swear i never did.and to break up with me because in 13 years we have not gone no where and started sleeping with him.we broke up and they are together.But isnt that unethical to get into someone relationship for there person gain? Also christman she was calling me at 120 am harassing me.

  • Who Cares

    January 14th, 2016 at 8:17 PM

    Hi Lisa. Please don’t take the lack of response personally. This is a fickled site. Mostly to vent about poor therapy, and sometimes someone will say something, but mostly they won’t. It’s not a site for finding answers. Sorry, but it’s true. I don’t know what state you live in, but I would definitely file a complaint against the therapist with the Board of Social Workers (usually under the governship). I live in Maine, was abused by my therapist and the Board did nothing – no research, no investigation, no communication – simply telling the therapist to take better notes. It seems these boards have complete autonomy – but you should try anyway. Good luck and take care.

  • Sylvia

    January 15th, 2016 at 7:26 AM

    I recently had a therapist who had YEARS to talk to me/provide diagnostic feedback but yet, only when I told him I was done did he email me and tell me I should “look into” treatment for ____(the diagnosis he dropped on me BY EMAIL). I am not kidding. It was the most unprofessional, underhanded, passive aggressive behavior I’ve ever seen by a therapist. I think it falls into the “treating your client in a cruel manner” category. I’m considering reporting him. I feel totally betrayed.

  • Sylvia

    January 15th, 2016 at 7:38 AM

    oh, and also, he not only “diagnosed me by email” after the fact but told my boyfriend who I was in counseling with that I had a “very negative reaction” to his email to me (!) My boyfriend understandably wanted to know what was in the email that I had been so upset about so I really felt I had no choice but to tell him which to me, was a breach in confidentiality b/c I would not have told him about the bogus “diagnosis” otherwise. Be careful people. You think you know someone (a therapist) and all of a sudden, something like this happens and it turns out that you never knew them at all. And they totally did not know you. It sucks. A lot.

  • D J

    January 21st, 2016 at 1:16 AM

    My therapist does not respond to my calls and if she does leaves a voicemail that doesn’t help as ahe is makeing an assumption that does not deal with the issue. And told me not to call her so much. So 3 times in a week with no response is too much? She has 24 business hours to call and I don’t get a call, I call back and she complains. Then all I hear is you need to learn how to cope more, with 3 major life events and no one to help, along with physical disabilities.

  • The GoodTherapy.org Team

    January 21st, 2016 at 9:11 AM

    Dear D J,

    Thank you for sharing. Please know you are always free to reach out and seek out the advice of another mental health professional if your current therapist is not working for you.

    You can use our site to find another therapist or counselor in your area. Simply enter your ZIP code here:
    https://www.goodtherapy.org/find-therapist.html

    Kind regards,
    The GoodTherapy.org Team

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    January 24th, 2016 at 3:05 AM

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  • Edith D

    January 25th, 2016 at 12:26 AM

    “41. Counselor does not empathize.
    42. Therapist empathizes too much.” I love lists of random, often paradoxical statements.

  • Dreamweaver

    January 26th, 2016 at 8:09 PM

    My wife and I have been married 20 yrs. and we’ve seen better days. It got to a point we both decided, we needed help. She picked the counselor, which I agreed to. I have a gut feeling she is being steered. She’s talking in memorized psycho babble and Everytime we are at an impasse it’s the same regergitated, memorize BS. After 20 yrs. Of marriage, I know how she talks, like she’s been hipnotized. When I try to engage with her, over her comintary, she speaks in circles, or gets frustrated, and bows out. Our counselor has seen us together and apart, but seen my wife, 3 to my 1. In our 1 on 1 sessions there is no direction. We have no clear gaols, milestones, or homework. It feels like all we talk about is, the things I do to make my wife MAD. I already know all the things that make her mad- Duh. But my wife sold on this counselor and to top it all off. It’s gotten worse since the counseling. I’ve so bad I’ve moved out. Far be it from me, but I would she would have realized how serious our issue was and try to do something to head this off.

  • Edwin

    January 27th, 2016 at 9:36 AM

    Dreamweaver,
    I think every couple probably goes through something like this. We did around the 10 year mark. We were extremely lucky in that we found a great counselor, who happens to be a Buddhist lesbian, but that’s neither here nor there, except that she applied a lot of Buddhist theory to the sessions, which was helpful. What she did was give us extremely pragmatic tools to be able to communicate without creating antagonism. The most useful one was “I feel, I need, would you?” The way it works is that you might say (to pick a completely random issue), “I feel like the kitchen is always a mess. I need to live in a place where my space is clean and organized. Would you help me keep it clean?” This is an alternative to “Why don’t you do some of the dishes?” or “You always leave a mess!” The idea is that instead of accusing the other, which places all the weight on them and automatically raises defenses, it focuses on communicating what someone feels (and feelings have their own lives, they reflect things going on but are not realities, thus are open to exploration and modification), needs, and an invitation to come to a middle ground. It feels really goofy at first, but it transformed our ability to communicate. I would think that you do need a counselor with whom both are comfortable, so maybe you can use this tool to express this in a way that’s non threatening to her.

    Good luck.
    PS. We are now 26 years together and still fall back on this when things get rough and it grounds us pretty quickly, instead of letting things fester or spiral out of control.

  • Duane S.

    February 13th, 2016 at 12:09 PM

    How do I protect others?
    Sure, I can change psychologists to protect myself, but what if I’m concerned that my psychologist is hurting other clients. What can I do?

  • B.Rich740

    February 26th, 2016 at 9:33 AM

    Came across this article today, and really happy I did, there’s quite a bit of useful information. Recently, I underwent a change in my treatment approach, after 2.5 years in counseling, it had became stale, So, I switched up my Counselor as well. However, as everything else started to get back on track and start rolling again, there was now this huge road block hindering my movement, that hadn’t been there before and that was this new Counselor. After giving her the benefit of the doubt and what-not, trying to over-look her opinionated personality and her argumentative demeaner, it hasn’t gotten any better, only worse. So I decided it was time to do some research on how to better deal with this new Counselor. It wasn’t until I had thoroughly gone through this aritcle check list, that I considered that it’s time to switch my Counselor again, especially since my current Counselor possesses 30 out of the 50 red flags and that’s just the ones I can personally give detailed examples of, there’s probably more than that. So in saying that, I am making it my mission to relieve this Counselor from my case. Thank you for the help.

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  • Rebecca

    March 11th, 2016 at 1:17 PM

    Help. I feel a counselor I was seeing has acted unethically. I was in a relationship for several years and my husband was abusive to me on many level, including physical. The counselor I am referring to was hired to help move my son from supervised to unsupervised visits with his dad. The counselor told me he would likely be biased towards my husband since he has been military, and my husband was military…but I felt since we were talking about a child, that the counselor at hand would act ethically. The counselor would see my husband alone and had sessions with just with my husband. My husband is very charming and has made a lot of accusatioms against me-to which I never got to respond. I felt my husband was using his relationship with the counselor to continue to try and exert control over me, etc. I made the counselor aware of this.
    I was also very concerned because the counselor wanted our son to come to visits with us. This put my son in a rock and a hard place trying to describe why he was afraid of his dad. My husband would demean me in front of our son and not once stopped blaming his actions on me. The latter was so hurtful to me and I would leave sessions feeling harmed. I finally spoke up for myself and my son.
    The counselor ceased sessions with me but then acted only as my husband’s counselor. He then made the recommendation to move my husband off of supervised visits and I have no idea if he addressed any of my concerns since I was cut out of the picture. I don’t see how ethically he could make any recommendations on visits once he clearly became biased. I don’t understand why he would have ever done family therapy to work through these issues. He justified it by saying he was working on communication but communication is not the issue when there is abuse. He wrote a letter on my husband’s behalf and would not even return an email from me. He would forward emails I wrote to my husband but would not do the same for me. The counselor told me that sometimes people can do things right before abuse to cause it to happen. The sessions took me back several steps since I had been going to therapy to stop blaming myself and to build self-esteem. I to,d the counselor I was fearful of my husband not just do to physical abuse but because the emotional had been so bad. In the notes of the supervised visits, my husband says things to our son, that I feel is very concerning (tells him I am not honest). I just don’t understand this. I trusted this counselor to act on behalf of our son and because he had his PhD, I thought he was competent but none of what has happened feels right. I am very confused by all of this.
    :(

  • The GoodTherapy.org Team

    March 11th, 2016 at 4:06 PM

    Dear Rebecca,

    Thank you for your comment. We are sorry to hear of the hurt you experienced in therapy. The GoodTherapy.org Team is not a substitute for professional advice, but we do encourage you to reach out. If you are no longer seeing the therapist you mention in your comment, it may be helpful to discuss these concerns with a different counselor or therapist.

    GoodTherapy.org advocates for ethical therapy, and we list qualified, verified therapists on our website. If you wish to seek out a different therapist, you can see a list of professionals in your area by entering your ZIP code here:

    https://www.goodtherapy.org/find-therapist.html

    Again, thank you for sharing. A harmful or painful therapy experience can make it difficult to return to therapy, but please know that help is available. We wish you the best of luck in your search and hope your next therapy experience is a positive one, should you choose to return.

    Kind regards,
    The GoodTherapy.org Team

  • Matt

    March 22nd, 2016 at 8:31 AM

    I love what you guys are usually up too. Such clever work and exposure!
    Keep up the great works guys I’ve you guys to my blogroll.

  • Annie

    March 22nd, 2016 at 8:01 PM

    The feeling of being a victim has gradually worn away. Except those times when I feel sensitive. I tried to return to therapy but that was a waste of time. Those who own their therapy business on my Aetna plan haven’t been professional. They seem OK for one or two sessions then show their true personality. Oh well, going it on my own is the safest ting to do.

  • Mary S

    July 10th, 2016 at 10:14 PM

    Annie,
    I have also experienced the “play nice” for a few sessions, then all of a sudden take a different tack. It can really come across as hitting below the belt, especially when what they say contradicts what they said earlier. For example, after a bad experience with a therapist who rarely answered questions about what she was doing and why (and I asked the questions because what she was doing didn’t make sense), I asked a potential therapist if she let her patients know what she was doing. She said yes, that she even gave them written things to read. She did give a couple of written things, but they were just formalities like how long sessions lasted and what payment policies were. When I asked her why she was doing something that didn’t make sense to me, she said, “I have my reasons,” and when I pointed out the discrepancy between what she had said earlier and what she was doing later, she responded, “What? You don’t think I let my patients know what I’m doing. Why, I was active in the patents’ rights movement in the sixties!”
    I’m so sorry you went through something similar. As a still later therapist said about something else a therapist did, “That ain’t the way it’s s’posed to be.”

  • Kitty

    March 24th, 2016 at 7:59 AM

    Great list! I have a question hopefully experts here can shed me some insights. I ‘m an Asian lady in mid 20s living in Singapore. I have been seeing a SG registered therapist for 12 times in the past few month. Now with my past trauma no longer affecting me, depression lifted, anxiety lessened and some new understanding about my maladaptive way of relating and more assertiveness , I feel pretty much okay. What really need work is my self -confidence and to find out what I am truly passionate about doing and capable of doing well. What happened now is that my therapist and I had ran out of past things to discuss. I have been telling him about my desire to write more or look for a role involves writing like becoming a journalist or editor. He has been encouraging me to write a blog and bringing my writing to show him. He has also encouraged me to depend on him more ( Let man includes him to care for me -his original words) as I am the type of girl who prefer to rely on herself and have some trust issues with men in a intimate relationship. Since I have been taking a long break from work and paying my therapy entirely my myself, my finances has been tight.I have just enough for living and nothing left for saving and other purpose. I am not sure It is necessary to see him at the frequency of 3-4 times a month . I even feel I can take a break from therapy now. And come back once I start working full time again soon. I am also a bit worried that my therapy session feels more like a coaching session now .My therapist is also a trainer ,lecturer to MNCs and in public and education sector. Should I lessen the frequency of my therapy now or take a break ? I am weighting the long term benefit and value.
    Despite having confessed into him some of my deepest secrets, it scares me to depend on a “paid ” expert as a crutch to my difficult emotion and decision making. As a previous people pleaser who has been taken advantage by other people and a child who grew up with smothering and controlling parents up until the age of 15 to be dropped to live independently in a new country, I tend to subconciously associate care with control. My therapist is younger but close to my parents’ age.There was always an irrational fear at the back of my head that my therapist just want to keep me in therapy as he long as he deems fit. Though I have been sharing with him some of my worries, I have not shared all. If I would like to consider seeing my therapist less often or even taking a break from him, what would be the most important things for me to make my own decision? Thank you for reading .

  • The GoodTherapy.org Team

    March 24th, 2016 at 9:42 AM

    Dear Kitty,

    The GoodTherapy.org Team is not qualified to offer professional advice, but it may be helpful to seek a second opinion from another mental health professional. If you would like to search for a second therapist, feel free to use our international search: https://www.goodtherapy.org/international-search.html

    Once you enter your information, you’ll be directed to a list of therapists and counselors who meet your criteria. From this list you can click to view our members’ full profiles and contact the therapists themselves for more information. You are also welcome to call us for assistance finding a therapist. We are in the office Monday through Friday from 8:00 a.m. to 4:00 p.m. Pacific Time; our phone number is 888-563-2112 ext. 1.

    Kind regards,
    The GoodTherapy.org Team

  • Mary S

    July 10th, 2016 at 10:04 PM

    Kitty,
    It does sound from what you have written that quitting therapy would be a good idea — it sounds like you are ready and willing to go it alone, and since the expense is also a burden, quitting sounds like a very wise choice. Best wishes in pursuing your dreams!

  • Rey

    March 29th, 2016 at 1:32 PM

    I have seen three counselors over the past 9 years. All of which have had these red flags (not all the red flags of course, but most). In my experience they tend to put themselves in some kind of Saint position. They read a book that stated what people should act like and another book that said what theory to use to help them act like that. It’s BS. It honestly only helped me to recognize the people around me and what they may be struggling with. Which I also took psychology classes and I learned the same amount of information from them. I personally have learned much more about my self from learning from my own mistakes, keeping a journal, and reading books about other people who have been through the same things I have. An arm chair traveler can’t help you with your problems. Only other people who have been through it and survived can offer you the help you need. You will never be perfect because perfection does not exist. Counselors want perfect clients. That equals a job well done and an ego boost for them.

  • Anne

    May 5th, 2016 at 6:22 PM

    Wow amazing list. as a student going for my MFT i really appreciate this list. do you have any tips for me as i study for my test? i was thinking of signing up for therapist developmental center for study help . i read this blog amandarowanlcsw.com/exam-coaching and thought it would be good. but i would like your opinion! please

  • Cathie

    May 20th, 2016 at 7:41 AM

    Have started trauma therapy. I’ve had 10 visits. already know this therapist has and alcoholic father, psychotic mother, bipolar sister, & a son with schizophrenia. my last appointment T related her fathers death and began crying. I naturally consoled her. but left confused and wondered if I was going to be billed for her therapy. Is it time to find another therapist? Maybe I bring out something in her? I know trauma therapy can take time, Could I be too impatient? Could she be testing my reactions? As usual- I left this visit completely confused and bewildered.

  • The GoodTherapy.org Team

    May 20th, 2016 at 10:49 AM

    Dear Cathie,

    Thank you for your comment. The GoodTherapy.org Team is not qualified to offer professional advice, but please know if you ever feel uncomfortable or confused in therapy, you may wish to discuss this with your therapist at the next visit and/or seek the opinion of another counselor or therapist. An essential aspect of therapy is a therapist who you feel comfortable with.

    Should you choose to seek the opinion of another mental health professional, you can use our site to locate one in your area. Simply enter your ZIP code here:
    https://www.goodtherapy.org/find-therapist.html

    Wishing you the best,
    The GoodTherapy.org Team

  • Mary S

    July 10th, 2016 at 9:57 PM

    Cathie,
    Yes, it is time to find a new therapist. Your current therapist is using your time for her own purposes. She has no sense of what are appropriate boundaries in the therapy relationship.

  • DolensVita

    May 20th, 2016 at 10:50 AM

    Cathie, I would run as fast as you can w/o looking back. I wouldn’t even pay for the sessions – and fight her with the licensing board if you have to. She shows all of the signs of bad therapy – she is the professional and is suppose to be focusing on YOU and helping YOU! I had a therapist cry over the phone to cancel an apt cause her mother died – so wrong – she should just have said she had a personal issue to deal with. I couldn’t see her for 3 weeks I felt so terrible for her. You are right to have these feelings and I would look for another therapist who has professional boundaries! Good Luck!

  • WhoCares

    May 20th, 2016 at 10:54 AM

    too bad my zip code does not include any therapists. Have given up a long time ago. Getting older each day, which is fine – the pain will be gone and not because I got help. The SW board supports the therapist and does not investigate, research or interview anyone in my complaints. Alone I will be, since the age of 8, but I’m looking forward to the end.

  • The GoodTherapy.org Team

    May 20th, 2016 at 12:05 PM

    Dear WhoCares,

    Thank you for your comment. Our mission is to connect every individual who is seeking treatment with a qualified, compassionate professional, and we are sorry to hear of the difficulty you have had looking for help. We encourage you to call our support team at 1-888-563-2112 ext. 1. The support team is available Monday-Friday, 8 a.m. to 4 p.m. Pacific time. If you are not finding results with our online search function, they may be able to help.

    We encourage you to reach out and wish you the best of luck.

    Kind regards,
    The GoodTherapy.org Team

  • WhoCares

    May 20th, 2016 at 12:34 PM

    how thoughtful of you, but we have had this discussion. There is NO help here. And I am just too old to care or even want to try anymore. My focus is on my meds and suppressing the pain. Not a therapist, not the SW Board, not the cops, have shown empathy or compassion or even interest in my “situation”. I’ve fought hard to make it this far, I can wait out the rest of the way.

  • Eliza

    May 20th, 2016 at 2:38 PM

    It’s hard when the professionals who are supposed to be there for us and support us aren’t comassionate or empathetic. But not every therapist is the same. There IS an empathetic therapist out there who can help you. I know sometimes it doesn’t feel fair that we have to keep looking and do all the work when we are in pain, but isn’t it better to not give up? I’ve had many therapists I hated who didn’t help, who I never wanted to see again. But I kept trying and found a good one who has really helped me. If there aren’t any around ,could you try a nearby location? No one should suffer alone and just “wait” for life to be over. You could also try groups. Self-help groups or group meetings can be really good. Sometimes people just like us can be more compassionate than professionals with a degree.

  • WhoCares

    May 20th, 2016 at 3:01 PM

    what a thoughtful post, however not knowing or understanding the situation/location/mdsa/ptsd/therapist abuse – I do not have the energy or resources to find help anymore and after decades of searching. You have no idea how many people say “there is help out there”, when in fact, there is none after looking and searching. Even the SW Board cannot do their job – how does THAT help me?! And believe me I have tried. I’m fine with what’s coming and what is left. It will be nice to finally rest.

  • john

    May 20th, 2016 at 7:45 PM

    Hi Cathie- sounds like theirs a bit of mind trouble in the counsellors family- for them not to be effected in some ways themselves– I mean that emotionally- counselling is only a two three year course- you have to realise their not infallible or necessarily special- they’re just ordinary people- don’t lionise them too much–but I can tell you this much- from what you’ve said it sounds like you should be the therapist- or start a social worker course- or and read a lot about psychology- sociology- it all helps- you must be empathetic and a good listener- compassionate- for them to express to you– reach out- with what’s weighing on them- for some comfort or solace– that they felt for whatever reason you had- so id be seeing what you might even be able to offer back to the care industry- because you just never know if you don’t have a go – nothing to lose either- because you’d connect with the up and comers-some of who would be family of others- anyway just some thoughts coming at ya- hope- either way – you do find someone who is good for you- and that things turn out good for you.– stay hopeful- believe in yourself.

  • WhoCares

    May 21st, 2016 at 9:19 AM

    no offense John, but that is not good advice for a client seeking help from a supposedly educated and professional therapist. The client is NOT there to pander or help or even show empathy to the therapist. There’s a major failure in Cathie’s experience with her therapist. I’m surprised she stayed as long as 10 weeks. I had a therapist who compared her not being on the receiving end of a crossing guard’s wave “hello” to my sexual abuse. Never saw HER again. The reason SW’s go to school is to HELP those that SEEK their help.

  • john

    May 21st, 2016 at 8:29 PM

    Yeh I know what your saying – but i was trying to do something else – at the same time- and was always trying to just say- people are people – even special people with special titles or diplomas aren’t infallible to psychological emotional or mental problems or concerns– but of course in their role as counsellors they should stay and be professional– no good if they haven’t got their own heads right and together- im also coming from my own daughters experience with psyche services- where she counsels the psychotherapists- which is what made her do social work-in a way- and she’s almost there now – and that came about because she had started to see in herself – that same person- from that experience- yet the same people, still forcefully and adversely poison her every day- so that’s whilst someone’s hitting her on the head every day- actually keeping her down oppressed and tired- and I know how much it helps to study it yourself- because I did the same thing- after psychology sessions- but on my own- reading books on sociology and psychology- it was hard to do- getting through to a better understanding and place in my head- because it is- but until you look and search deep enough- long enough- or just, enough- its hard to get over the hurdles and unhelpful even unhealthy but developed thoughts and perceptions–conflictions- a lot taught- indoctrinated- and developed- in our thinking. Alcohol is the main driver and developer of aggression, ignorance, insecurity-and fear- on the planet – so stay away from that for a starter- ive got friends that drink- who ring me about their problems and depression whilst their drinking it- It’s what you see– is is what you get- I stick with that myself- that tells me everything i need to know- so how do you see.- and what can and should you look at to change- the good bad better or worse principle-and what might you- will you- think -do-to help you- are all questions we can ask ourselves or be asked – reading and learning yourself can and will help- if you persist- in my opinion- and just see that this life is a journey- be excited- interested motivated and involved in making it a better journey- experience- someone who is professional -compatible -and you click with- helps big time- and youl know who they are when you find them- cant predict that- and crap can happen in trying to get to that right person for you- but, or, and- you can make a start yourself- and I think that was the message of my message- as well as – you get that- good and not so good for you counsellors- and sometimes even their problems- so just keep on keeping on- with that understanding- and do some self help in the interim- and stay hopeful – positive-because of all that. I don’t want to harm anyone or mess up anyone’s thinking- or feelings- that’s for sure- and if I have- im truly sorry- cause you guys in here are really lovely caring people- over caring- over concerned- over worried- hurting-people- how I see them- and anyone with thinking feeling problems-,are the last people I want to mess with or hurt I know that- they mean more to me than anyone. everything- the unevolved empathetic-liars -and bullies- that create them for themselves -and others- fuelled and kept alive- by the- “burying substance”- alcohol- that the addicted burier- will always keep close at hand- the problem with those and the good guys is– its all magnified with mind altering drugs- so stay away from those too- burying and magnifying is a health hazard- so stay safe or at least safer.

  • Miranda C

    June 3rd, 2016 at 9:51 AM

    My last therapist I tried to see for couples therapy. My husband still doesn’t believe she was a bad therapist. Every session she treated me like I was abusive to my husband. I asked him to attend with me because he is always very cold. To the point ill try to be loveable and he would physically push me away. But he swore he loved me and wanted to be together. He went to work (we worked the same job) came home and wouldent help me do anything. Would watch me do all the chores and upkeep of our lives. sometimes to the point of following me through the house while I did the chores talking to me. Acted abused if I asked him to help or do something and would get mad. The therapist decided I didn’t talk to him in the way he needed. She decided I couldn’t words like say you if I wanted to talk to him. Like ” hunny when you throw your clothes on the floor next to the hamper that upsets me”. Not allowed. There was a small list of trigger words like that. I was left spending half an HR to try to figure out how to say the smallest thing to my husband and communication became tedious. He also started to jump on me if I slipped up and use it as a reason to get mad. Meanwhile every session we had was just this woman telling me how bad I was. Not once did she give my husband something to work on in our relationship. He was un-accountable for anything and I was accountable for our whole relationship. This exploded when I was talking to my husband about a project I was working on , just for me. I had started this before the therapy. I asked him since he was trying to be supportive about me starting my own business if there was anything I could support him in that was just for him. He got mad and told me he couldn’t do what he wanted and go to college because of me. when I asked him what he meant he said I wouldn’t find him the grants. Yes we had that conversation a year before and I told him we dident have that money while trying to buy a house and pay on a newer car he insisted on and a large screen tv he wanted. If he wanted to do it he would have to look around and see if he could find a way because I didn’t see one. He never did try. And I later found some of the classes he wanted for free. He never even looked at them. I called our therapist. To me my husband just said he saw me as the enemy. I thought this needed immediate addressing. If Im the enemy then we cant fix anything. I was really upset. the whole thing was unreasonable. When we got there the therapist listened as I cried on the couch. then stated I obviously didn’t support my husband enough. I was so angry. I wanted to never see her again and was seriously considering a divorce. Even my husband back-tracked and decided the situation felt like I was being attacked. He had to tell her three times he was wrong. But by then I seriously felt like I hated them both. I went from in the beginning of therapy feeling like I didn’t appreciate the way my husband treated me to feeling like my husband abused me. I honestly feel as if she was encouraging him to abuse me. After tat session I never went back. That is a bad therapist but I didn’t feel I could report her because he chose to continue seeing her. I didn’t want to make him feel like I was saying he couldn’t do therapy ( he has a history wiht that) or that I had to choose who he saw.

  • Heather

    June 5th, 2016 at 1:12 PM

    I realized in late Spring in does not feel better to discuss what I went through. I’d like to say no one could begin to get what I went thru becuase we are all deffernt, apparently some more than others. Reading blogs helped realize, almost 100% that therapy is not for me. I paid my money, went in with an open mind, and got hurt, and got poorer.
    I promise you readers who are new to these blogs, some of you have found therapy isn’t right for you now. Therapy is not for everyone. Also,
    The more I tried to find a therapist post abuse, the more I heard that my insurance ompany stinks. The more I thought I could find help the more I didn’t get any. All things point to doing it on my own. Whatever it takes, and think of saving the money for something that really matters, that will help me. This time for real!!

  • Senthil K J

    June 14th, 2016 at 5:30 AM

    It is indeed a good work. Although some of the points here are debatable, the list upholds the conduct of therapeutic sessions in favor of protecting the Clients’ rights. I agree with the statement that no therapeutic process should be proposed without the consent and comfort of the client.

  • Bronski

    June 15th, 2016 at 1:00 AM

    Is it normal for a therapist to ask for the details of childhood sexually abused?

  • Andrew C.

    June 25th, 2016 at 2:34 PM

    Great list, thank you! I was lucky to run into a competent therapist when I started psychotherapy – by sheer chance and good luck. I wrote a book about my experiences with therapy and also wrote about how to spot a good therapist. It’s available for free here: whatispsychotherapy.be/how-to-find-a-therapist/

  • Sue Donym

    June 25th, 2016 at 9:26 PM

    Can someone help me understand #17 discloses too much? My therapist of 2ish years always has seemed to me to talk an awful lot about their life. Overall it is mundane stuff hobbies, weather etc. But often this person tells me about their family etc. I have always found it weird, but I didn’t want to be confrontational. I started to really wonder the other day. I walked in and the therapist was situating themselves (think organizing desk a bit). I was quietly sitting in the same office waiting. When said person turned around before I even said hello the person said “well my week has been really good.” Proceed to talk about family
    events… At that moment I was thinking umm is this normal? I mean it isn’t exactly scandalous, but it just seems odd. I hope someone can help clarify, but I was fairly taken aback. Like why do I know this much about your family?

  • WhoCares

    June 26th, 2016 at 9:44 AM

    Sue D; you need to find another therapist and quickly. One of mine did the same thing: I knew more about her family than she did mine…including medical issues with her daughter; a trip to Brazil including pictures; occupations of her sons; how she was feeling; what she was doing; who was irritating her and so much more. This is a sign of a narcissistic therapist. Get out while you have the courage.

  • Mary S

    July 10th, 2016 at 9:44 PM

    Sue D,
    I agree that this therapist is behaving inappropriately. She is using the time that you are paying her to talk about things that are not relevant to helping you. That is inappropriate; she is using you.

  • Heather

    June 26th, 2016 at 12:44 PM

    I think it’s safe to say well over 25% of therapists are weird or slightly inappropriate. Sad that some are both. It’s your dime and why not speak up??

  • Dean

    June 29th, 2016 at 3:12 PM

    My son has a counselor that is more interested in pushing a relationship on my son with his bilogical father that has not been around very often in 14 years. She has threatened, told him that me his mom is alienating him and that if I don’t do what she want I can go to jail or lose custody of my suicidal son..This frustrates me as the counselor has said that kids only try to commit suicide to get attention and control parents..I think there is more there but the court won’t let me change counselors. How can I deal with her?

  • Emi

    June 30th, 2016 at 8:12 PM

    My comments on therapists. My older sister (when she was about 17) when to a therapist with my father and step-mum and the therapist took my sister aside and said, “there is nothing wrong with you; it’s all them; they have the problem”. My sister got a clean bill of health, “I’m fine. Everything I do is fine. I don’t have to change anything”. Meanwhile, she was attacking me physically, tried to kill me, but it was all okay because the therapist said she was fine (it wasn’t about her-my parents had the problem-the therapist said so). No dialogue, no discussion, just a pat on the head and a cookie. Is that helpful? Isn’t that being too much on the client’s side (making it- us (client and therapist)- against them (everybody else)?

  • Tuba

    August 2nd, 2016 at 6:13 AM

    It’s scary when you come to realize a therapist you’ve been seeing for years meets the flags. Don’t trust my therapist and realized it’s because they’re like the poster child of what not to do in therapy; always late, always mistaking me for other clients (and giving me their lectures), frequently knitting or emailing or talking on the phone rather than listening, always pushing their religion, etc. There aren’t therapists for my insurance in this area and I’ll likely be on meds alone for my anxiety-depression.

  • Pete

    August 9th, 2016 at 7:17 PM

    I felt grief after my therapy ended. I tried to understand what was happening to me and tried to reconnect with the therapist. Her supervisors prohibited me from contacting her and the hospital security (probably notified by said supervisors) threatened me with legal action if I keep trying to contact her. Is this the “professional” way to deal with patients who recover from anxiety?

  • Freida

    August 14th, 2016 at 3:36 AM

    Many years ago I made a very extensive and expensive search to find a good therapist for myself to help me deal with my emotional problems. These were general issues like relationship problems, anxiety, sadness, etc. I found the most helpful and caring therapist I could imagine! He gave me such hope and really helped me tremendously. Sadly, he passed away at a young age (51). Naturally I was extremely sad about this.
    A year or so later I contacted one of his colleagues and she gave me a reference to a man in NYC who she thought had a similar background to my previous therapist.
    It turned into a nightmare! This therapist was trying to get me more involved with group therapy (I did not want group therapy). He also suggested I start coming more frequently than once per week,
    stating he feared I would be dead before the end of the year if I did not!
    I found this outrageously frightening and extremely unprofessional. I never spoke to him about suicide, I had a job, I did not drink or take drugs and I had a decent home. His goal seemed to be to frighten me into spending more money.
    I left immediately after that and went home. He called me later that day and asked how I was, as I appeared to be agitated when I left. I told him that what he said made me feel very ill at ease and that is why I left. Further I told him I would never see him again and asked him never to contact me again. He then asked me to please pay him for the day’s abbreviated session. I told him I certainly would not. The next day I called the person who referred him to me and reported what had happened. She apologized and told me his conduct was completely unprofessional and told me she would not refer any other clients to him.
    I never went back to another therapist again. It was a horrible and demoralizing experience. I was so full of hope and he just made me feel hopeless. I spent the rest of the year thinking I might die as he suggested. Naturally that did not happen. It was a ruse to scare me into becoming dependent as he could see that I was going through a vulnerable period emotionally. What a horrible person he was.

  • It was it is but it wasn't good

    August 22nd, 2016 at 1:33 PM

    Email TELL if it is an issue of any kind of sexual abuse. Sexual emotional abuse too. – without actual physical sex.
    If you paid for therapy and you feel horrible or have thought , even for a minute that is something you did please contact TELL. They are in the Boston area and they will help you. They are great and they will not charge to help you get better.

  • Liz

    August 24th, 2016 at 10:23 PM

    When I was leaving my abusive spouse my therapist asked me to live with her in exchange for housework and dog walking. After 6 months of seeing her personal problems and having “roommate issues” it went badly. Too much Togo into here but it was very unhealthy and damaging to me.

  • Carolyn

    August 25th, 2016 at 6:15 AM

    Our daughter text us yesterday that she and her therapist agreed there were several trigger points that were causing her anxiety that needed to be eliminated from her life. Her father and I were two of them. So, she said rather than getting into a “she said, he said” argument she is sending us a letter today. Honestly, I don’t even want to read the letter because I believe it will just stir up anger if it is full of accusations that we are not able to respond to. She has already unfriended us from Facebook, and virtually removed us from her life. Can a therapist encourage this type of treatment? Isn’t there other ways she could have helped our daughter without removing her parents from her life? There has been no abuse in our household, only positive reinforcement for both our children. However, when she was diagnosed with bipolar mania and high anxiety, everything about her changed. There is nothing we can do. We don’t even know the name of her therapist because she lives in Charleston, SC. It has been a heartbreaking 24 hours…as if there as been a death in the family.

  • Liza

    September 7th, 2016 at 4:01 PM

    to Carolyn: My heart breaks for you. A similar problem is emerging with one of our adult daughters. She had severe social anxiety through childhood and became depressed as she couldn’t make friends. We tried to help her in so many ways! in middle school, to our joy, she made several friends… they turned out to be using drugs! Again we did all we knew to do, to help her. She graduated high school and college with honors, married a good man, has great kids–we assumed she was doing well emotionally, apart from tending to erupt in rage at me now and then with minuscule provocation (e.g., I didn’t iron her husband’s shirts the way he liked them). We see them once or twice a year as they live 3000 miles away. She’s just informed us that her counselor told her that all distress from childhood through the present is caused by me! No depression, no social anxiety, just a “co-dependent” mother (diagnosed in absentia) who supposedly had no boundaries and infantalized her (zero examples ever provided of what I supposedly said or did). The therapist has encouraged her to regard every contact with me as poisonous. When my husband stood up for me in a phone call, our daughter destroyed four decades of his self-concept as a good and loving Dad. That was three weeks ago. We’re in couples therapy with an excellent psychologist, dealing with this. Key advice: “Don’t internalize it.” A daughter’s perceptions are hers. They needn’t become yours. Your own memories of being a good parent remain valid. (Also, there’s no use trying to contact her therapist, as this sort plays cruel, damaging games with parents.) All we falsely accused parents can do is to nurture self & spouse and hope that one day, if our daughter changes therapists and takes appropriate medications, she will begin to truly heal.

  • Carolyn

    September 8th, 2016 at 8:04 AM

    Liza,
    OMG! You don’t know how much your message meant to me. First, I am so sorry you are going through the same thing I am and will begin praying for you and your husband as well as your daughter. But, I have to tell you, as horrible as this may sound, it was nice to hear that other parents are going through similar situations. I try really hard not to cry about it, especially around my husband because it upsets him so much. And next week we are going to see our son and his family, which includes our two grandchildren. (My daughter doesn’t have children and didn’t want children. I never faulted her for her decision. It was hers and some people want children and others don’t. It wasn’t that big of a deal.) But our son knows the reasons behind her decision but doesn’t want to get involved. It’s frustrating and I try to understand it.
    We only saw our daughter twice a year and she only lived four hours away. And when I asked her about us coming down to visit her for her birthday in October she kept putting me off. We thought that was strange and began to think there was something up. And then we received the text that we were being eliminated because we were “certain anxiety triggers.”
    When my mother was dying and all my father did was ask for my brother to come visit him, I was on the phone to my brother constantly to come visit Dad, although my brother lived less than two miles away. And when he walked into the room, my dad lit up like a Christmas tree. Yet, my brother did not want me to move my parents to the area we both lived in because he didn’t want to be obligated for caring for them. There was more than one time I was fighting with either my brother, who wouldn’t come to visit or my sister, who didn’t want to honor my mother’s death wishes. But I didn’t stand in the background and say nothing.
    Did you read the 50 Warning Signs of Questionable Therapy and Counseling? Numbers 11 and 12 sound like the same information that was given to your daughter and I’m positive it was the therapist who drilled this information into our daughter’s head. I would love to get a hold of the therapist, but I don’t have her name, which is probably a good thing.

    But Liza, I really don’t know how I will feel when and if I ever see her again. My husband and I are in poor health and you never know what could happen. I don’t know if I’ll ever feel the same toward her again.
    I don’t know if you are interested, but I would like to be able to keep in touch with you. There are days when I feel I need somebody to talk to and my friends just don’t get it. Let me know if you are interested and thank you for your post.
    Carolyn

  • Liza

    September 8th, 2016 at 12:28 PM

    Hi Carolyn, My heart is with you and your husband. I wish you and I could communicate privately, but I’m in my 70s and ill and have very limited energy; my husband has had open heart surgery… I will do my best to reply to you when you reply to my messages here.

    I know it’s hard to find a good therapist–one who’s ethical and knows how to help you. Especially when you’re in pain and everything is already so difficult! However I do think you should start looking. I had to interview and try to work with about a dozen before I found our wonderful therapist about 20 years ago (I needed to learn how to deal with some after-effects of multiple traumas). Really, a skilled therapist will be able to help you a lot more than I ever could.

    That said, you don’t need to figure out how you feel about your daughter. You already know how you feel: You love her! You can’t change her and you can’t help her unless she asks your help (and even then she might not accept help, and it might not work the way you hope). You know she’s in pain. She must figure out how to deal with her own pain as best she can… and you (and my husband and I) have to figure out how to live our own lives, too. So we just honor our daughters *as they are.* Talk to them (if they let us) about neutral subjects. Don’t rock any boats.

    Even if she never lets you contact her again, she’s still *somewhere,* and doing the best she can, as we all do. She might never participate the way you’ve hoped she would–the way you really need her to–and if that happens you’ll have to accept that it’s happening.

    You did your very best to raise her, with the knowledge and skills you had at the time. Other families may seem to have far rosier lives, but can you really be sure?

    Focus on the present, on yourself and the people and places right around you. Try not to fantasize things you wish might happen (life has a knack for turning out differently than we wish it would!). When you catch yourself suffering, remember 1) not to internalize her attitude toward you (her attitude is hers, and does not have to be yours) and 2) to stay in the present. Notice what you can see, hear, smell, taste, and touch right this moment, and stay with it until the awful feelings fade.

    Hope this is helpful–I’m giving you advice that’s helped us.

    Liza

  • Carolyn

    September 12th, 2016 at 2:08 AM

    Liza,
    I think I’ve accepted her decision and I’ve moved on, and then I’ll see a photo of her on someone’s cell or someone will ask me how she’s doing and my eyes begin to tear up. When I think I’m in control, I’m not. I can’t shake the feeling I’ll never see her again, and I realize this is a very real possibility. I pray this hateful way of treatment is helping her, however, I keep reading #’s 10 and 12 above and I know this is what has happened with her therapist. Our daughter is smarter than this. But I believe she poured her feelings out to this therapist (about us) and the therapist jumped all over it. I honestly don’t believe another therapist would have taken the steps this one has.

    I went to a therapist a few years ago, right after my Chronic Back Pain had totally changed my lifestyle. I was depressed, miserable, and knew I needed to talk to someone. Ironically, the person I made an appointment with was too busy and gave me another therapist’s name. What a blessing! This gal helped me in so many ways. My friends had stopped coming to see me or asking me to go out anywhere because I wasn’t the same “me.” I was walking with a cane, slow as molasses, and they found they needed to keep slowing down when we walked to the restaurant or out shopping. After one outing, I never heard from them again. This hurt me deeply. However, my therapist explained that my friends did not know how to handle the changes in me. After she explained further, I felt better about my friends and didn’t harbor the hurt feelings I had when I walked into her office.
    We’ve moved since then, but I’ve found one therapist who is in my insurance network and I’ve been considering seeing him. I understand your situation, but if this forum is the best way we can keep in touch, then that is perfect. Thanks so much for your advice. I will print it out and read it every day – maybe it’ll sink in and each day will get a little easier.
    You and your family are in my daily prayers.
    Thanks,
    Carolyn

  • Liza Davies

    September 12th, 2016 at 11:22 AM

    Thank you, Carolyn. Your kind words and prayers bring me joy!

    I keep re-reading your note. You wrote, “When I think I’m in control, I’m not. ” But I think you *are* in control when you think you are (as much as anyone ever is). It’s just that sad feelings break through now and then. I suspect we will always have such times; but the times of feeling more stable, more in control, gradually get longer, and the times of feeling so bad get briefer. The positive changes within yourself that you are hoping for are already happening.

    Yes, do make an appt. with the therapist you’re considering. Remember when you first talk to him that *you* are evaluating him. It always feels like the therapist is evaluating you, but this really goes both ways. You might ask him what method he uses, just get him talking. You’ll get a sense of how it feels to work with him. After a few sessions you’ll know if you want to continue with him or try someone else.

    Best regards,

    Liza

  • Carolyn

    September 12th, 2016 at 3:01 PM

    Thank you, Liza! Every time I receive a note from you, I feel so much better! Maybe you missed your calling and you should have been a therapist! Yes, I plan to call the psychologist as soon as money is available. We’ve had some problems and I’ve got to get those taken care of first. But I do plan to make the call.
    Thank you so much!
    Carolyn

  • Carolyn

    November 13th, 2016 at 2:32 AM

    Hello Liza! It’s been almost two months since we’ve corresponded and I was wondering how things are going with you. Nothing has changed here as far as my daughter goes. She has contacted our son and he is mum when it comes to the reasons for her actions. However, he does agree she needs to see another therapist.
    I haven’t seen a therapist yet. We are moving to the mountains of North Carolina from the coast. I am unable to walk down to the beach and it seems ridiculous to live here when you can’t enjoy the beach and ocean. Plus the cost of living here is extremely high for our fixed budget.

    So, we have downsized drastically and plan to live at my brother-in-law’s home for the following year. He and his wife are preparing the home for sale and we are helping them out. They will be up one week out of each month, so we’ll still have some privacy. The house is currently furnished and we’ll put our bare necessities in a climate controlled storage unit.
    I find myself thinking about our daughter more so than ever because I decided to write a book about our experience and offer help to others who may be going through the same type of mental illness.
    Would you mind if I added our conversations in the book? I will not use your name, nor will I give any indications of an identity of your daughter. I doubt it will publish, but it is something I have to do. I still cannot talk about her without crying and now this book stirs up all those past emotions- so I’ve been crying while writing it.
    I hope you won’t mind me using our correspondence and if you like, I could send you the pages of the correspondence for your approval.
    After re-reading our prior “talks” I realized just how much I missed you. I hope we can keep in touch.
    Thanks so much,
    Carolyn

  • Liz D.

    November 13th, 2016 at 12:20 PM

    Hi Carolyn, Please feel free to quote my conversations at length. I appreciate your efforts to keep my anonymity. I don’t see any way to give you my contact info without revealing info here, so I just can’t. I do like you a lot!

    Sounds like you’ve got a lot going on, with that move. I’m still in the process of de-hoarding this old farmhouse where we’ve spent 43 years, and also getting into the even more challenging effort to move furniture around so I can repaint rooms, sand and stain and re-varnish floors, and so on. We’re both ~70, so our energy level isn’t as high as it was when we started this lifelong project! My husband really doesn’t want to move, though I’ve told him how difficult it would be for me to keep up a 220-year-old 11-room house (in some disrepair) all by myself, either alone or while caring for him! So there’s another obstacle.

    I’m working on my series of 8 mystery novels (all at once, and no publisher in sight; just a happy hobby). Inch by inch by inch! I’m writing some of my struggles into the various characters… my heroine has a daughter like my own. I’m calling her “Birdie.” Her outlandish behavior toward her mother is often happening while her mother is tracking down the bad guys along with the handsome local Sheriff. Turning it into fiction helps me distance some painful things from my everyday life, and suffer less.

    Best wishes to you. Do keep letting me know how you’re doing, by posting here. I’m looking forward to reading your book!

  • andrew

    September 17th, 2016 at 11:18 PM

    hi, I’m in Australia and I have been asked to go an see Psychological counselling for a report to a court, I have seen a Psychologist for many years and he has put to the court that I do not need to see him, (all because the other party says I need to see one) that’s why seeing him all these years. now they want me to see another one. My question is can I video myself at any meeting to record what I have said to them?
    And can the Psychologist refuse or not allow it? please can someone help me.

  • Jane

    September 24th, 2016 at 3:36 PM

    Recently, I have been doing research on a therapist for my issues with family and relationships. The one individual I’ve focused in on to set an appointment has a pre-therapy questionnaire to be filled out. My question to the community here and relevant to this list is how personal should the forms get as it relates to experiences, trauma, events?

    This form I’m looking at asks me the age of my first sexual experience, my knowledge and memories of it, my inhibitions. Also a complete detailed rundown of marriage: when/how we met, how long did we know each other, requesting descriptions of my (in)compatibility with my spouse. Details about my in-laws. Not short answers or yes/no, but paragraphs of info. Aren’t these questions and topics we should discuss face to face in the privacy of a session and not in some 12 page form I hand to his secretary? Privacy is a main concern, obviously. But also, should I be worried that this might be an indicator of the therapist wanting an easy ‘digest’ of a patient because he might not be all that interested in paying attention during sessions or caring? If it’s standard fare, I’ll just roll with it because I’m new to this.

    Any help would be greatly appreciated.

  • Liza D.

    September 25th, 2016 at 2:36 AM

    To the best of my knowledge, this is not standard practice.

    A different kind of therapist, called a neuropsychologist, does often have a very detailed pre-visit questionnaire, but it would be asking for medical and neurological background (when did your head injury occur? How long were you hospitalized?), psychological (have you ever been diagnosed with anxiety/ depression? bipolar disorder?) and personal history (married/divorced/[etc.]?, highest school grade/degree completed? learning disorders diagnosed?).

    It’s possible that this therapist is dealing with a stringent insurance situation that restricts sessions, and wants to gather as much background info as possible up-front rather than devote a session or two to it. But I think asking for *this* much is a bad idea–a good therapist will learn a whole lot about a new patient by interacting with him/her while gathering personal history.

    To me, this therapist’s questionnaire raises red flags in terms of boundary issues. He’s requiring you to share very personal info with a total stranger and expects you to offer deep trust sight-unseen.

    In your shoes, I’d either select another clinician or (out of curiosity) give only very basic info–LOTS of empty white space on that questionnaire and see how he reacts in the first session. He thinks he’s interviewing you, but you’re also interviewing him, so see how he justifies that questionnaire. Ask him his philosophy of personal boundaries. At the end of the first session, when he wants to set a date for the second, tell him you’d like to think it over and you’ll get back to him… Let the session settle in your mind for a few days, and make your decision.

    Anyhow, that’s my take on it!

  • Marvin

    September 25th, 2016 at 7:30 AM

    Yes I think this is too much up front. What if you spend time, and he says he does not want to deal with your problems. My issue with the 10 therapists I saw is that only one ever asked me about my family and the problems I had growing up. So they could only speculate about what was going on. I would not do the questionnaire, but whoever you see should take a detailed family history and think about it within the first month. It should lead to an analysis of what your issues are and a plan should be developed. If you don’t get this, run, run away as fast as you can!. I had 16 years of garbage with what are you feeling, what are you thinking, but not in depth exploration. You need to be careful of this profession, there are a lot of bad ones out there.

  • Braden B

    September 27th, 2016 at 10:09 AM

    I’ve been trying to find a good way to get less depressed. It makes sense that I would want to find someone who empathizes, but not too much. It’s not good to be babied, after all.

  • Sleezeball

    October 1st, 2016 at 4:08 PM

    My therapist talks wayyy too much about herself and her life, and often interrupts me and ignores me when I’m speaking. She plays on her phone most of the time, and tries to be my friend. She’s nice, yes, but I was wondering if it were okay to switch to someone else as my therapist?

  • Mary S

    December 11th, 2016 at 9:56 PM

    Sleezeball,
    I’d say that it’s not just OK to switch to another therapist, but that *should* switch to another one. Talking too much about herself and her life, interrupting and ignoring you when you’re speaking, playing on her phone most of the time, and trying to be your friend are all bad signs.

  • Emphatic Client

    October 3rd, 2016 at 7:18 PM

    I have a disability–a rather visible one. However, it’s so inconsequential to me that I really don’t need to focus on it during counseling sessions. Public curiosity, though, doesn’t always allow me to focus on what I came there for. I’ve worked with at least five therapists who were so interested in my daily life as a person with a disability that they utterly ignored my actual struggles with anxiety, etc. I now tell any potential therapist about my disability during an initial phone scheduling consultation and emphasize that this is not why I want counseling. If it’s brought up for more than five minutes within the first session, I move on. I know that this sounds narrow, but at that point, my request to speak on matters more personal and meaningful to me has been ignored.

  • Andreas

    October 19th, 2016 at 12:01 PM

    I’m attending a group session right now where we are being FORCED to share with the rest of the group. It was never stated at the beginning of the group that participants were expected to share, yet here we are being strong-armed into sharing. The reason I’m uncomfortable sharing is because the facilitators are incredibly dismissive, can’t empathize, and can’t listen. I’ve attended other fantastic group therapy sessions where consent is paramount, and if participants don’t want to share they certainly don’t have to. You should NEVER be forced, coerced, strong-armed, bullied, or threatened (yes, one of the facilitators threatened me by saying that if I wasn’t going to share, they were going to talk to my personal therapist about it) into sharing with a group if you don’t feel safe there!

  • Laura

    November 2nd, 2016 at 4:22 PM

    Saw my psychiatrist doing coke while he was in session. Think he does it every time he says he’s going to the bathroom. I love him to death and could not live without our sessions. Am confused as to how I should handle this… Any antecedents?

  • Hazeleyes

    November 29th, 2016 at 2:49 PM

    I had my last session with my counselor yesterday. She helped me a lot but the last session was definitely off. I felt like she was mad at me, a devil’s advocate, contentious or something. I wonder if she was struggling with the fact it was the last session or something else. If she had been like that the whole time, I would have left much sooner. I did feel that she offered a LOT of suggestions for me to try the last few sessions. She was kind of pushy about them sometimes. Anyway, it was definitely time to end with her. She asked for feedback, meaning good, but I considered writing her an e-mail in as kind as way as possible, how the last session was for me. I am sure she didn’t mean any of it but it was strange nonetheless!

  • Luke

    December 14th, 2016 at 9:20 AM

    This article really has legs. I just want to bring it home a little and appreciate the list of 50. I operate a group home and this is a good reminder on how to stay professional with my residents. I have probably transgressed half the things on the list, but that number dropped off to just a few within my first year of experience. Thanks for the article. With your permission I will copy and paste to a read only file and print it off for my staff to review periodically.

  • The GoodTherapy.org Team

    December 14th, 2016 at 11:40 AM

    Thank you, Luke! You are welcome to print this article and share it with attribution to GoodTherapy.org. Please take care not to republish it elsewhere online.
    Much appreciated,
    The GoodTherapy.org Team

  • Anonymous

    December 26th, 2016 at 8:11 PM

    After some caregivers both physically and emotionally abused me, they told my therapist that I suffered from paranoia. Which is untrue, I suffer from autism and PTSD, the latter thanks to physical and mainly emotional abuse, including bullying, throughout my whole childhood. My therapist then wanted me to go to a psychiatrist so I could swallow pills against anxiety. He also told me that I am too sensitive and overreacting, although I told him about the abuse. After I could leave those abusive caregivers, I suffered from depression for a year (I was not diagnosed, but I fit the criteria for it and I had to repeat grade because of it). When my teachers were asking why I can’t do anything, cry all the time and so on, he just told them that I had a hard time. Two years later, said therapist began to idealise me and told me, when I talked about my imaginary friend, from whom I dream, should give me higher self-esteem. He also said that my imaginary friend helps me, so my imaginary friend is also a therapist. As if my imaginary friend were the therapist and the therapist were my friend! Said therapist also purposely angered me in a group therapy session by saying hurtful things my mother had said. He said them over and over again and as I was so angry that I poured water over him and hit him with a towel, he laughed at me. I screamed “Why don’t you listen to me?” and “You say these things that my mother said???” the whole time and he just laughed at me. As I wanted to pour a smoothie over him, he grabbed me on my arm, knowing that I am hypersensitive to touch thanks to autism and that the abusive caretakers had done it and that had traumatised me. His grab burned on my skin, I thought my bones would crush, like I always do when someone grabs me so tight. I screamed “That hurts!” and he just laughed and said I’m too sensitive. After the session he told me it was all just a misunderstanding. Later he told me that I may suffer from schizophrenia and I should go to a psychiatrist whom he knows so I can get diagnosed. I thought that this “You may suffer from schizophrenia”-talk of his was stupid, but he brought it up in every therapy session. He also said that monsters which I had IMAGINED at night (because of PTSD, I know now) were VISUAL AND ACOUSTIC HALLUCINATIONS! I HAD TOLD HIM THAT I IMAGINED THOSE FUCKING MONSTERS! I told my father that my therapist said I may be schizophrenic and he couldn’t believe it! He talked 2,5 hours with the therapist because of this! I was also in this session, but the therapist hardly ever let me talk and his only explanation why I should get a schizophrenia diagnosis was that I could get psychotic if I have too much stress and if this happens and I am undiagnosed, I would just be locked up in a psychiatric hospital and he, the therapist, couldn’t help me anymore. My father and me both said that I had been through things that are much more worse than “too much stress” and I didn’t get psychotic. Therapist repeated his argument over and over again and expressed sooo much fucking “concern”. The idealisation of me went on. I had enough of this stupid therapist and his stupid abuse and gaslighting a la “you may have schizophrenia” and talked to him about this in one last session. I said “Stop idealising me!”, he said the idealisation is part of the therapy because he wants to give me the adoration I never got from my mother. I didn’t buy it and said “You’re rationalising”. Therapist also said he is not in love with me, although I only used the words “idealisation” and “adoration”, not the expression “being in love”. I also demanded that he tell me the real reason why he wanted me to be tested on schizophrenia and he simply said: “Because your mother has schizophrenia!” (which is true). I was so angry and hurt, told him I was hurt and he said “Oh, sorry, I didn’t want to hurt you!”. I didn’t believe him. I said: “This is the last session. I won’t come here again and I will go to therapy elsewhere.”. Now I have been diagnosed with PTSD and will begin therapy by a therapist who is interested in healing my condition, not emotionally abusing me and acting as my “friend” through far-over-reality compliments. I’m so happy that I will get treatment for my PTSD! If you wonder if that therapist I wrote about is some new agey sort of therapist: No, he went to university and is considered a therapist by the law (because he went to university). Fuck that “therapist” and his “therapy”, which was just more emotional abuse in a neat little package with a different name!

  • Kim S

    December 30th, 2016 at 12:55 AM

    I started therapy with a new therapist last year, I thought this was the nicest therapist and I still do. He said he dose a different type of therapy called IFS, Self Leadership. At first he texted me all the time, asking me to tell him all my thoughts and thinking. He was getting me very dependant and attached to him. He called me every day, I was becoming very attached to him with the sessions, texting and phone calls. I feel I might have been hypnotized during the meditation for the IFS therapy. He wanted me to feel a strong attachment for him, and I did. It took months. The therapist had created a love between us. I didn’t realize I was falling in love with this therapist. As sessions were going, he would ask me about my past sexual experiences. He asked me to be sexy for him, and do I feel sexy. T said, let’s meditate and work on my part’s, T asked if I wanted closeness. I said,ok. At first it was holding hand’s, then as sessions progressed, we were on the floor, he was hugging,feeling, fondling me, I hugged him back, he said he would show me what real. Loving Feelings really feel like. The therapist said he really cares about me. We would talk about my part’s, mostly wanted stories of my past sex life. What I did and how. This turned into the therapist sexually abusing me. After getting off the floor, he always wanted hug for the last ten minutes of the session, and wanted me to tell him, I love you. He would say, the love needs to be cultivated. This lasted for month’s. Always asking me , do yo feel fulfilled. I would tell the therapist,yes. He wanted me to text him , fantasies about him. All my thoughts and thinking. He told me not to censor myself. Just text everything, he said he was unethical texting me so much, so he would just reply to my texts
    He assured me all my texts were confidential and password protected. Only he would read them. So, I texted and texted him all the time. The therapist one day said, now text about my part’s, so I do. One day during a session, I got upset. When I left the session I told him, he is a pervert. He said, that was a part me talking, it was not me. This therapist now, critical, mean, sarcastic, answers his phone in my sessions by texting.
    It like the therapist created all these feelings for me to have towards him. I think he found someone new to do the same thing to. Leaving me with feelings of love, attachment, dependence for him. I see him twice a week, it strange now, he acts like nothing ever happened. I’m just getting IFS therapy. I should have been suspicious when he was telling me about another woman client that fell in love with him. And, he told me about a new client, how good they work with their part’s. This therapist I feel he harmed me so much, so why do I keep going back? He’s being ethical now. He’s done so much more damage, I can’t write it all down here, I feel I’ve been brain washed by this therapist. Why do I feel I can’t stop seeing him. And, in my mind I feel he is a very good caring therapist. Even with all the harm I feel this therapist has caused.

  • The GoodTherapy.org Team

    December 30th, 2016 at 9:56 AM

    Dear Kim,

    Thank you for sharing. If you feel you are in crisis, there is help available. Here are some resources: https://www.goodtherapy.org/in-crisis.html. If a person has questions about a therapy experience or believes a therapist is acting unethically, courses of action may include (but are not limited to) discussing the concerns with the therapist, consulting another professional, and/or contacting the licensing board of the therapist. Here are some additional resources about ethics in therapy: https://www.goodtherapy.org/ethics-therapy.html

    Warm regards,
    The GoodTherapy.org Team

  • Kim

    February 27th, 2017 at 10:27 AM

    I have decided after much consideration to stop seeing my sexually exploiting therapist, it’s taken me months because of the attachment, love, dependency that he created with me. I’m in emotional despair, I believe the water and coffee he gave me had some kind of drug in them because he always wanted his styrofoam cups back, and I believe the meditation was actually hypnosis. The therapist had me texting sexual fantasies about him, and other sick thing’s. He convinced me I was deeply in love with him, he was my King. From the beginning romancing me. Texting and all the phone call from him, making me feel so special. He said, he loved me and he cared for me. The therapist said , he is showing me what real true love is. Lots of sessions were on the floor with holding, fondling, hugging, kissing me, it turned into a sexual relationship fast. He said, he was fulfilling my basic human needs. He wanted me to tell him, I love him all the time and I did.
    The sexual exploitation lasted for months, one day after being sexually exploited, I called the therapist and told him I called him a pervert,
    I kept seeing him because of the love, attachment and dependency that he had caused. I felt I truly needed him , he was putting things in my chart that were for his benefit, to make sure he covered himself.
    He has all my texting. He told me we were equal. He never worked on the IFS therapy, only on sexually exploiting me. To make him feel good.
    I was devastated when he started becoming mean towards me, when the sexual relationship was done. He said, now we can do the IFS therapy and he will help me with my feelings part’s. I went into deep depression, almost did something stupid to myself, I wanted to withdraw from the world.
    I don’t know to this day why I kept going back to see him, I was only getting more harmed from him. It was my fault he said, I asked for it. Just like the lady before me, he told me about
    In the last few sessions I noticed his phone would ring a lot, he was excited. I’m not going back to that therapist because, he is working on another woman now and he is treating me so mean.
    He’s only seeing me so I won’t say anything about him. Now he’s acting like he is working on the therapy iFS, but he’s not.
    He gets cell phone call during our sessions now, and gets distracted on my so called therapy. Now, I’m left confused, in despair, lonely, embarrassed, shamed, sad, depressed, and humiliation.

  • Luke S.

    December 30th, 2016 at 8:47 AM

    Thanks so much for these guidelines of things to look out for when working with a counselor. I imagine that part of a good patient-therapist relationship would be a large measure of two way trust. That being said, knowing things to watch for like a therapist who is not interested in the changes you want to make or doesn’t help you work towards a specific end goal would be useful.

  • Chelsea

    January 11th, 2017 at 3:29 PM

    I already knew such websites existed, but am in need of one today. Today I unofficially terminated my relationship with my therapist of 3 months. While her behavior was not egregious or overtly upsetting, she did exhibit a milder version of some of the red flags noted above. Because they were more watered down, I felt something was off, but couldn’t put my finger on it. So I’m happy for the validation, which I desperately need.
    Although in fairness, therapists are only human (infallible) and must endure a lifetime of listening to other people’s problems, I cannot tolerate someone who makes me doubt myself.

  • Kalesee

    January 12th, 2017 at 10:43 AM

    How can I tell if I can trust my Son’s Child Therapist? He has said some very positive things about my Son and my parenting skills. He refuses however to write anything down or give me a copy of any notes.

  • Liza D

    January 12th, 2017 at 12:07 PM

    Providing copies of notes or other written material about sessions is not common practice among therapists. Thus, not doing this should not be taken to mean that a therapist is untrustworthy. If you are concerned that you might forget his recommendations, you could ask for a summary of them, or perhaps a flier on advice for parents of children who have behaviors similar to your son’s.

    Many pediatric therapists have reason to be concerned that they will be asked to testify in court if a child’s parents divorce. They might have to do so, if a judge requires them to, but generally prefer not to. The exception would be therapists who specialize in a type of forensic psychology that has to do with fitness-to-parent and guardianship issues.

  • John M.

    January 26th, 2017 at 4:59 PM

    Thank you for talking about choosing a therapist that can help you achieve your goals. I can see that making sure you choose someone who understands how to treat you and has the best intentions to help you is very important.n I would want to make sure I do my research and choose carefully.

  • Chelsea

    January 28th, 2017 at 3:23 PM

    Please forgive my many posts, but I always seem to have something to add.
    The whole notion of therapy has been ironic for me. I’ve always been a strong proponent of seeking help, and have recommended it to others. However, I have not only sought therapy, I have had to “heal” from therapy. My journey from a deep, agitated depressive episode became better once I began to question some of what my therapist said. Therapy is littered with land mines. I remember reading about anxious mothers and how an author attempted to assert that they are all about themselves – that they don’t really love their children. This is what they want us to walk away with? When we’re already hurting? Sometimes clinicians overthink things, which can yield some really bizarre assertions. People, please be careful.

  • linda

    February 6th, 2017 at 5:47 PM

    I have been helped by therapy in my life, but often there is so little information to the public about the limitations of psychotherapy. It’s sometimes shocking to me how this field represents itself in it’s self promotion and on personal websites. i laugh when I see all the images of butterflies, rainbows and “healed” patients frolicking along the beach after they have been “healed.” I ask myself: is this a professional discipline or a New Age Crystal Healer? Honestly, the way the field promotes itself is ridiculous and troubling to me as a client. First of all, I know its not true. Whatever the degree or special training, the practitioner will only be as trustworthy and honorable as he or she is first of all as a human being. Education and degrees cannot make gold out off a shifty, greedy, selfish character. Personal integrity is foundational to any kind of professional success, and psychologists and psychologists have way to much power in this society, thus the temptation to corruption to pride and hubris is very great. People should be taught that psychology is not a hard science, and always subject to personality – both that of the therapists and the clients. I really think the profession should monitor itself more with a lot more professional accountability and yearly evaluations. I think clients should know how difficult it is to file a complaint the the state board and that they the client will have to prove the injustice or malpractice with hard evidence. I think people should be taught “buyer beware” and to trust their own doubts and misgivings, For example, how acceptable would it be for a banker to eat in front of of someone being qualified for a loan? Even hairdressers don’t answer their call phones during an appointment. I believe that therapy is a valuable and necessary profession, but I am dismayed by the power the profession holds in the public mind, especially because it goes on behind closed doors without supervision, or accountability until something terrible happens. There is always a chance for abuse in an unequal power relationship and I wonder how much the potential for abuse is taught in graduate programs. there is something i would call “the hubris of the savior complex” and I have seen this so often on websites and in popular literature that claims a psychological solution for every problem and unfortunately people believe it. This is where the sway of power comes from. I think the first session should be free of charge and spent discussing the limits and realistic outcomes of sharing your intimate life with someone who is essentially a stranger, at least for a while. That is why I think this list of red flags is so valuable.

  • Jessika M

    February 12th, 2017 at 11:46 PM

    Its excellent as your other posts : D, appreciate it for putting up. “A single day is enough to make us a little larger.” by Paul Klee.

  • Sula

    February 16th, 2017 at 11:36 PM

    I went into therapy for trauma and ended up more traumatized by the two years in therapy than I was with the original issues I walked in with. I’ve spent another two years healing from all the PTSD this therapy caused. Though the climb has been a steep I’m getting there. I’ve made my story and process public in hopes that I can help others: thesandbox.life

  • jenn

    March 4th, 2017 at 3:54 AM

    the truth is that- many therapists out there are not there to help people or clients- there are many who are predators and take advantage of people who are vulnerable. Ive dealt with many horrible therapists and recently another bad one who even didnt believe me when I said there were bugs in my car. It was shocking to watch him run to the computer to validate there could be bugs in someone’s car. He only believed me when I said my mother saw them- how crazy is that? What a jerk. He did this the rest of the time even asking me “did you get a degree” and when I repeated it treating me as if I was lying. I dont know what was wrong with this freak but he was sick. He didn’t say or do anything helpful, however one day we were talking about something and I said as you get older as a female you get- and he said ITS ok you can use the word–HORNY, and he used the word masturbation. Then he got excited as if he has a chance etc. Sicko- then, he told me something very positive and helpful- as I tried to write it down he stopped me from writing it down- literally said DON’T write it- i’ll send it to you. So he stopped me from writing down something helpful- never sent it to me and weeks later gave me a ‘handout’ talkign about ‘levels of abstaining from sex’ which had the words “orgasm and “fondling of genitals”–he watched me read it in shock and get turned on. Total sicko, and he kept trying to go back to the topic of ‘sex’ in sessions but I always diverted it. Then, I think when he realized I wasn’t interested he stopped making appts with me, and began playing the silent treatment or something- or playing games. What people don’t get is that many therapists are just psychopaths narcs and sociopaths and not morally capable of helping others and need help themselves.

  • Mark H

    March 4th, 2017 at 11:50 AM

    Jenn…turn him into the American Psychological Association IMMEDIATELY!!!!

  • Liza

    March 5th, 2017 at 2:26 AM

    There’s no way to “turn someone in to the APA.” First off, a minority of people who call themselves therapists belong to the APA (so it has no jurisdiction over them). Secondly, the APA has no powers to discipline people. That’s not its function (Google it and visit its website for details).

    If a *licensed* therapist is committing ethics violations, you file a complaint with the state board that supervises them. Go to your state government’s website and look for state agencies, or call a phone number on the website (I imagine all have such a number for questions) to find out how to contact the licensing board.

    If the clinician is licensed, you need to figure out which is the proper board for your complaint–e.g., social workers, counselors, psychiatrists, or psychologists. You send for paper forms or perhaps there’s a link to a complaint document to submit. It will take up to six months for a hearing to be scheduled (boards meet monthly, and for just a few hours; it’s a volunteer job).

    If the clinician is not licensed, there is no one to report him or her to. If you’ve been harmed in some way you can document (like physical abuse), you could report them to the police or hire a lawyer to sue them. But it would be very hard to find a lawyer to take on such a case unless the payoff is likely to be huge.

  • Kim

    March 5th, 2017 at 10:21 AM

    The therapist is a MS LMFT here in PA, I have been very emotionally upset for some time with what has happened with this IFS therapist. I will check out the web site. He has harmed me in such a bad way. I almost ended myself over all the damage he has done to me. He has emotionally drained me.

  • Mark H

    March 5th, 2017 at 9:15 PM

    YIKES!!! Hang in there…..

  • Mark

    March 5th, 2017 at 1:48 PM

    WOW….what a pain in the, you know what!!!! So, I’m sure, since the procedure to hold these abusive counselors accountable are so arduous, so many of them get away with abuse and unprofessional conduct. I posted something last July. This guy was a nut. What a shame!!

  • Sula

    March 5th, 2017 at 6:27 PM

    Been working on a complaint for about a month now and everything Liza said is dead on. thesandbox.life/bad-therapy

  • Liza Davies

    March 6th, 2017 at 1:16 AM

    Mark–There’s two ways of looking at the process in terms of arduousness.

    If a person decides to see an unlicensed therapist, there’s essentially nothing they can do if the therapist (I’m using the term lightly here), turns out to be unethical, except to hire a lawyer and try to sue them.

    But if a person sees a therapist who’s licensed by the state, they can complain about unethical behavior to the state licensing board. That process just involves checking the state’s own website (statename.gov) and filling out the complaint forms. It does take months for the complaint to be heard, but in the meantime you can be interviewing other therapists and picking one you like better. Meanwhile, the one you’ve complained about is sweating bullets.

  • Liza Davies

    March 6th, 2017 at 1:27 AM

    Kim–here’s a link to general info about the Pennsylvania licensing boards: dos.pa.gov/ProfessionalLicensing/FileaComplaint/Pages/default.aspx

    Here’s a link to the search engine to find the individual who treated you (confirming that they hold a license). Since you saw a MA-level licensed LMFT, “Profession type” is social work. “License type” is Marriage and Family Therapist: pals.pa.gov/#/page/search

    Here’s a link to the PA complaint form: dos.pa.gov/ProfessionalLicensing/FileaComplaint/Documents/Complaint%20Form%20REV2015%20NEW%20ADDRESS.pdf

    I’m glad you’ve visited this “goodtherapy” blog, and hope you’re finding consolation. Now please be sure to take good care of yourself day to day. <3

  • Haseena

    March 6th, 2017 at 4:58 AM

    Where was this when I first experienced what I assumed were hallucinations (the awful therapists I’ve encountered in my quest for dealing with anxiety/clinical depression) – OK, so a psychologist I saw at age 20 said I should see a psychiatrist for antidepressant recommendations. He was insanely unprofessional: mocked my religion and the people he has encountered from my religion (ie: we are all jealous of their religious freedoms). Then, when I got to talking about the problem that brought me to therapy, I teared up – pretty quietly really – he abruptly states; “I can’t handle your tears. I’m prescribing something for that.” I sat there wondering, WTF – am I imagining this entire encounter? I was with a family member so they were witness to the insanity, but we hadn’t experienced therapy or psychiatry before so we accepted it, dazedly walked out of there, when anger hit us like a ton of bricks – too late.
    Another psychologist – mostly professional – presented my ‘only options’ as a very black and white path even though he could see I was distressed by these injustices; my basic rights were being ignored by family/spouse and mediator but even my therapist said ‘well you have little choice then. you can only do A or B.’ I was emotional, more so than logical – my time was up and he told me that while i was unable to compose myself to leave the office. He was unbelievably cold and lacking in compassion, and years later I realized – ignored my rights and lack of assertiveness in that entire situation. It took me years to assert what I finally understood were my rights – there was pathway C and it was my effing choice about my life, and my therapist who I paid should have had MY rights in mind when I was 23 years old.
    One therapist/marital counsellor I saw in my mid-20s shook my husband’s hand, and later told me he was obviously effeminate and weak based on his handshake. I did not return.
    Another unprofessional incident with a psychologist: she was late for an appointment and I did not have an issue with it, until the second appointment that I was 7 minutes late for. I was chastised by her receptionist as soon as I arrived; “Where were you? You’re 15 minutes late!” and upon entering the psych’s office she breezily says “You need to sort out your logistics the day before so you can be on time.” I was pretty thrown – considering their actual 15 minute lateness the previous week that made me 5 minutes late to my lecture on campus.
    This psychologist was unbelievable really – her entire look said ‘professional. calm.’ but during my 4 sessions, it became clear that it was a flimsy front. She made conclusive and critical statements about my personality (things I had no desire to change and within context made sense) and mentioned a random article she read in a newspaper about adult ADD that ‘reminded her of me’ – her evidence was based on something she claimed I said during a session… here’s the thing: I didn’t say that, it was like we were in a game of Chinese whispers because she changed my words completely from “When I am trying to do an assignment, it’s like my mind is bombarded with past inadequacies and I can’t focus – I remember the time my mom said and become paralysed by my own stupidity or loser status.” to “When I’m trying to do an assignment, I get really excited by all kinds of thoughts and can’t seem to focus on what needs to be done.” Errr. You’re fired. Though I just sat there wondering how stupid it was that she read an article once, decided ‘this sounds like my client!’ based on something that I didn’t say, and actually told me she has no experience with adult ADD but ‘maybe I should get medication dealing with bipolar tendencies’ – based on inconclusive information. Pretty shocking. When I tried to cancel an appointment once, 23 hours prior – because I was in a heightened state of anxiety due to assignments and personal issues at the time – her receptionist again chastised me because I ‘signed a contract’ – meaning I’d have to pay the full fee. It wasn’t the fact that I had to pay, it was the way she stated it, and that there was no flexibility or understanding – and really, I’d missed the cancellation policy by an hour. My therapist did not enjoy my criticizing her receptionist. I realized, based on only 4 sessions and numerous little things that seemed badly handled, I didn’t want to waste money on a place that was causing me more anxiety – and I need to trust my gut about people. So, bad therapy has been useful: I am more assertive and trust myself at least, I have slightly higher self-esteem, and a better understanding of my rights as a human being. Thank you to the ‘professionals’ who should be in therapy themselves.

  • Haseena

    March 6th, 2017 at 5:09 AM

    Forgot to add – the last psychologist I mentioned referred me to a psychiatrist she works with to also recommend anti-depressants or anti-anxiety medication. The psychiatrist listened to my spiel, diagnosed me, and in the follow up appointment was dismissive and said (regarding my lack of assertiveness in the previous years) “You made that choice. YOU stayed.” – disregarding the context, or my emotional state during ages 23-28. I’m surprised at the level of easy criticism offered by ’emotional health experts’. Do they understand anything emotional or related to the crippling state of depression or anxiety AT ALL? It often felt like I was talking to an unsympathetic family member or perpetrator of injustice – and comparing the experience I’ve had with therapists, the overwhelming fact is that the majority were ‘bad’ experiences. Waste of money, time, and only added to my anxiety.

  • Mark H

    March 6th, 2017 at 9:37 AM

    Thanks, Liza. You’ve been very helpful. Yes, he’s licensed. I checked him out before we went. I certainly hope you’re correct, that he’s sweating bullets. I’m guessing you read my post from July of 2016…..

  • linda

    March 6th, 2017 at 9:54 AM

    The first question they ask is “How have they harmed you?’ You have to prove it. You have to take notes, record telephone calls, or keep any written correspondence. It isn’t enough to complain about their lack of skill rude practices of answering phone calls during sessions, or eating in front of you. The system is set up to protect the therapist, not the client. Nor is there any commitment to ridding the profession of charlatans.It’s a case by case inquiry. Therapy is full of incompetent practitioners who have a license, but there is little accountability and the imbalance of power is enormous. Who do you tell about violations that take place in private, even if it is incompetence as a practitioner and not personal violation? Many therapists, like hair dressers are pleasant and inviting, but it is another question whether they know what they are doing. The best advice is buyer beware, as you are purchasing a service. The lack of oversight is appalling as is the lack of accountability. Just remember and be prepared, if you file a complaint, you have the burden of proof and it must be concrete evidence. Your word is not enough. Most importantly, as intimate and personal as therapy is, remember the therapist is not your personal friend, and any therapist who can’t draw that line is creating a danger zone, that can never be proved, no matter how much damage they do.

  • WhoCares

    March 6th, 2017 at 4:44 PM

    Linda, you could not be more right!! And you explained it very well. I had a horrible experience with the Maine OLR – they neither investigated (I had emails from other professionals explaining what happened to me – but they did not care). They seem to be there to protect the therapist; having no empathy or concern of what may (did) happen to the client. They caused me additional pain & suffering, so much. Thank you for writing a “real” response to OLR’s.

  • Mark

    March 14th, 2017 at 2:13 PM

    Linda, that’s really too bad. Seems like if you don’t record everything now-a-days, you don’t have a leg to stand on. That’s pretty messed up, to say the very least!!!!!

  • linda

    March 15th, 2017 at 8:39 AM

    As soon as there is a dispute, all kinds of hidden issues come out in the open – you realize that as a client, you have the burden of proof, and hhhho would you ever know that, as this is not public knowledge or part of the self promotion of psychology as “a helping field” The therapist has say too much power – There is little written about failed therapy – how is it evaluated – seems like it always the patient’s fault, or they are typed as “difficult patients” difficult for whom?

  • Chelsea

    March 9th, 2017 at 6:24 AM

    Hassena wrote,
    Do they understand anything emotional or related to the crippling state of depression or anxiety AT ALL?
    You ask a very important question, one which I’m often tempted to answer in the negative. As an individual with clinical depression, I have had occasion to “ask” this question myself. It is central to the whole idea of therapy.
    I think depression awareness is moving in the right direction, but still evolving. I’ve also come to the conclusion that it’s just one of those things that cannot really be appreciated except by fellow sufferers, or particularly astute, sensitive, or intuitive individuals. I have a sister with a degree in Psychology who works with severely disabled people, but she is remarkably ignorant, even disparaging at times vis-a-vis those with conditions such as depression. I told her years ago that I had depression (and was being treated for it), but she did not ONCE asked me how I was doing in the years following my disclosure. Scary. If I knew someone close to me was ill, I would offer informational, emotional and practical (if necessary) help.

  • linda

    March 9th, 2017 at 12:15 PM

    I feel that psychology is very limited in it’s approach to human suffering, which is often a spiritual agony due to the conditions of being human and subject to the cruelty and ignorance of others, or the result of our own bad judgment in some cases. Psychology has no “big picture” or philosophical foundations, or wisdom teachings that might give light. Psychology is an academic discipline based on theory and diagnosis, that sometimes just adds a clinical label to give life struggle a medical, clinical identifier. This is for billing purposes, and that is why the DSM exists – for billing codes. Thus the identifying numbers. It is also for legal protection in court. Thus depression is taken out of context, and given a medical label, whihc people often take on as an identity, or uses as a shorthand way of labeling others as a “narcissist” or “bi-polar.” Freud, the inventor of this labeling system was shocked when he visited america and found that psychoanalysis was aligned with the medical profession. Although Freud’s vision of humanity was grim and hopeless, and “all theory” and designed for the wealthy who had the time and money to devote to hours of self analysis, he never envisioned a therapeutic world that would appropriate his “labels” for billing purposes and introduce this language of judgment into the popular culture as a short hand for understanding the complexity of human life, which includes suffering, depression, sorrow, not as symptoms, but as legitimate responses to horrible things that happen to people. How can a “clinical” model begin to understand or even help people suffering from poverty, abuse, neglect, when the clinical model is supposedly “value free” and has no official classifications for faith hope and charity in their treatment plans. So much suffering in the world comes from the world itself and healing comes from those who can offer consolation and realistic hope, not diagnoses. To me, it is the quality of relationship between the client and therapist that heals, not psychology. Frequently this same solace can be found through a trusted, wise friend, or pastoral counseling. I believe people need to educate themselves about the history of psychology and how its foundations were were developed by studying pathology, rather than life itself,

  • H

    March 31st, 2017 at 11:01 AM

    Linda- brilliant! Never thought about it this way, capitalism (it seems) invaded everything. I’d love to read more about what you touched on- if you have sources or articles, please let me know. Thanks.

  • Mark

    March 15th, 2017 at 1:59 PM

    Well, Linda, I’ve been a teacher for 45 years, so I’m familiar with being blamed for everything. :(

  • Chelsea

    March 15th, 2017 at 3:39 PM

    Linda,
    Thank you for your thoughtful, well-written and wise post. I agree with much of what you say, though it would be patently unfair to suggest that the mental health field offers no insight or help at all. It’s the deficiencies that must be addressed, such as abusive or incompetent therapists (just like with any other profession). My experience bears this out. I have been helped some, and hurt some. Where they’ve failed me, I seek refuge in my Christian faith (though admittedly this should always be at the forefront of my self-care regimen).

    Chelsea

  • linda

    March 15th, 2017 at 4:07 PM

    Chelsea,
    Yes, of course, and I probably sounded like a cynic or malcontent, but I’m not. Judging from my own niave life, I was only trying to put psychology forward with it limitations, because I think less people would be vulnerable to bad practices, if they had a firm concept of psychology as a professions, it’s history, and different kinds of certifications also how registering a complaint actually works. I also feel that pastoral counseling and faith can be very important, but with all counseling certification and experience is very important as well!

  • Nina

    March 31st, 2017 at 12:59 AM

    I went to a psychiatric hospital by myself because I believe I am depressed and I didn’t know what to do. I told my psychiatrist that I am suicidal and I am confused with my emotions. She never told me anything about my condition. She just prescribed me with an anti-depressant. when i asked her what my condition is, she asked me: “what do you think?” I said “depression?”. she just nodded. I don’t know but I’m not really satisfied with how our sessions went. one time i asked her what type of depression i have and she just said it is hard to tell. i continued taking the meds. it took me about 11 months before i gave up. she wasn’t helping me. she hardly asks about my life. all she’s concerned with is whether i am taking the meds as prescribed and for about 10 minutes, the session is done. there was even one time when she interviewed me in the lobby. when someone knocks on the room, she also acommodates them while i’m talking. my mistake is that i didn’t talk about this matter to her. i just didn’t go to my appointment with her anymore. is she incompetent? is my decision right?

  • Liza D

    March 31st, 2017 at 9:03 AM

    Psychiatrists used to do psychotherapy–many years ago. Nowadays, they mostly prescribe medication. You want and need psychotherapy, so I’d advise you to find a therapist. You can look in the phone book or Google a behavioral health agency in your area (these will probably have mostly MA-level social workers who have some training in doing psychotherapy). You can also search for a PhD or PsyD trained psychologist.

    At the first session, the therapist will assume he or she is interviewing you, and yes, they’ll ask you questions about your history, the problems that bring you there, and your hopes. Keep in mind that you are also interviewing them! You’re considering whether or not to hire them.

    Ask what methods they use, and ask other questions you might have. Evaluate their responses. If you get good feelings, try a few sessions. If you get a “Nope! Not the right one for me!” feeling, try someone else.

    It might take several tries before you find someone who works with you in a way that helps. That’s certainly hard when you’re hurting, but a lot of things in life work that way, so persevere.

    Best regards and lots of good wishes for you!

  • linda

    March 31st, 2017 at 9:17 AM

    Hello Nina, something has happened in the psychiatric profession that isn’t well publicized. Psychiatrists have moved into the role of prescribing drugs, and therapy is secondary for them and very expensive unless you have insurance that covers them. Sadly, it is not unusual to have 15 minutes at most for a “med check,” and this only involves renewing or prescribing a new medication. MFC and Therapists have taken over the role of therapy, and they often have slicing scales and are more available thru insurance.

  • Nina

    April 10th, 2017 at 8:25 AM

    Hi Liza and Linda, thanks for replying, I appreciate it very much! Now I understand why

  • Susan

    April 18th, 2017 at 4:17 AM

    I’m in the process of my Level 4 Diploma in Counselling & Psychotherapy, & I’m horrified at reading some of the above shared experiences that vulnerable people have had seeking help with their various life challenges, and would strongly urge ANYONE who’s had a negative experience of any kind to report that therapist to the awarding body to which they’re supposed to adhere to, else someone else could go through the same unnecessarily. There are some archaic therapists out there, who’s skills set are vastly outdated, and either need re-training or struck off altogether. Sorry to read such negative experiences, for myself, it’s ALWAYS on my radar how my behaviour is and can affect another individual, and autonomy for the client is essential, as a part of respecting that individual as a whole person.

  • Sophie

    May 21st, 2018 at 1:22 PM

    Wow. Several comments, really. One: my husband has an undergraduate degree in psychology. He sells motorcycles for a living. You can’t get a job unless you have at least a masters – nor should you. Two: picking a therapist takes as much care and consideration as picking a spouse! You’re going to be vulnerable, and they’re going to tramp around in your head. Check credentials. Are they licensed? Where did they get their degree? Harvard or Elmira’s Reformatory? You know the old joke – what do they call the person that graduated at the bottom of his medical school class? Doctor! Be picky. You deserve it. Do people really choose physicians less carefully than steak from the butcher? Ask around. Get referrals. Google them. Third: The time you spend with your therapist is YOURS. Eating, taking calls, answering the doorbell, or going to baste the turkey real quick are not acceptable. Neither is being asked to fix their computer, sew the hem in their skirt, or fork over a piece of your artwork. Use your gut – it knows. If it walks like a duck and quacks like a duck, it’s probably a duck. If something seems pretty “off” to you, then trust your gut; it is. Even if you find out later that you were wrong, what harm could potentially be done if you were right and is it worth the risk? I’ve had good therapy, and I’ve had bad therapy. Some of the bad therapy was as bad or worse than the issues I originally sought help for. So lastly, I’d like to paraphrase Buddha – if after a session, you go home and you’re sitting all alone with your thoughts, if something doesn’t fit well, if something makes you feel badly instead of better, if you’ve been drug down instead of lifted up, if it just doesn’t sit right, reject it. That said, nothing is ever black and white. No one is perfect. I had a therapist for years who I’d swear saved my life at least twice – but I was well aware of a couple of her own “character defects,” so when it came to advice in that area, I took it with a grain of salt. But she was just what I needed for all the other stuff. It’s ok to take what you like and leave the rest – barring outright emotional abuse or neglect. You know that the majority of people in the helping professions come from screwed up backgrounds and this type of work is an opportunity for them to “make it right.” That’s working out their own therapy – not helping you. Oh, one other thing – pick the right kind of specialist. If your plumbing is out, you don’t call an electrician. If you need meds, see a psychiatrist. If you need psychoanalysis, see a psychiatrist. If you need to talk and be heard, and guided gently away from self injury, get a licensed clinical psychologist. You almost always get what you pay for. First visit, tell your story. Let them ask questions. by the end of the session, he or she should be able to tell you whether they think they can be of help. They should be able to formulate an outline of a treatment plan and they should ask YOU what your goals are for therapy. and it is a business. You should leave knowing whether you think you can work with this person or not, whether they seem likely to be able to help, what it’s going to cost, how often you’ll have to go, and how available or not the provider will be to you. Google “characteristics of a good therapist.” Shoot. We google everything else! *end of rant*

  • Misty

    April 27th, 2017 at 12:10 PM

    I’m going through a custody battle in court for my son after learning he was neglected and abused while in the care of his father. His father took him to a forensic expert/phycologist and after seeing my son and his father twice she wrote a letter saying there is no sign of abuse. Also, she wrote I needed unscheduled UA’s because of my past history of substance abuse. I’ve never had a substance abuse problem and hadn’t even met her yet when she wrote the letter. Is this legal?

  • Liza

    April 27th, 2017 at 2:12 PM

    I don’t know if it’s legal or not, but if the facts are exactly as you say, it seems odd. Psychologists (especially the forensic ones) generally couch their recommendations in phrases that specify the origins of the information they’re describing. Something like, “According to the report by Dr. [Name], dated [date], provided to me by Child’s father, Child’s mother has a history of abuse of [specific substance] dating back to [date], and this abuse is allegedly ongoing. For this reason, I urge the court to allow Child only supervised visitation…”

    The expert on what to do about this allegation is your own attorney. I should think that you would have the right to have your child examined by your own forensic psychologist, who might well listen to your own concerns about the type and frequency of abuse you suspect.

  • Joshua

    April 28th, 2017 at 5:50 PM

    I see a therapist once a week. I see her for my anxiety and depression. Simple things like eye contact and new people terrify me. Multiple things my therapist has said that make me question my relationship with her. A few of the questionable moments include when she said:
    “I enjoy your company.”
    “You are attractive.”
    -Asks for a hug- “I won’t abandon you and, that’s a promise.”
    “I would never do this for anyone else I see. I’m only doing this for you because I’ve known you for so long.”
    “Have you got a girlfriend?” -I say no- “A guy like you could get a girlfriend easily.”
    “Eyes are the window to the soul, by not looking me in the eyes you’re hiding your soul from me.”

    I don’t know whether or not to ask her what is going on or run for the hills. I like her a lot. I’m just not sure if our relationship is harmful. Sometimes i get very depressed and the therapy is the reason. It’s complicated having someone say such confusing things and it brings me a lot of stress trying to figure out why. A lot of the things off this list she has also done in the past. Should I be worried?

  • Greg

    May 6th, 2017 at 2:36 PM

    @Joshua-
    Your therapist is being completely, off-the-charts inappropriate and unethical, no matter how she might try to rationalize it.
    I don’t know whether or not to run for the hills.
    RUN for the hills.
    Should I be worried?
    Yes. (If you have any further contact with this person).

  • Greg

    May 6th, 2017 at 4:43 PM

    @Joshua-
    I thought I should elaborate. Once you find a good therapist, you will understand what’s wrong with the current one. This is supposed to be a professional, working relationship, almost like seeing a long-time family doctor, only more intimate and intense. Some of her comments are in the realm of what a doctor MIGHT say to a patient: “I enjoy your company,” (although “I enjoy talking to you” would be more professional but no big deal). Similarly, saying that youre a good looking guy MIGHT come up.
    However, a good therapist would never promise not to abandon you simply because, for whatever reason (a job offer in Vienna starting next week perhaps), she might need to refer you to a colleague.
    “I would never do this for anyone else I see. I’m only doing this for you because I’ve known you for so long.” This little conspiracy–its our little secret– is to make you feel special but it’s not really healthy: shes taking advantage you; its manipulative.
    A therapist might ask about your relationships and compliment you but you have to trust your instincts if you feel its unprofessional. Sounds like it made you uncomfortable, which a good therapist will know how not to do.
    And its your business–no one elses–whether or not you want to look someone in the eye.

    Now Im sure she has some positive qualities and good intentions. Thats all fine. Whats not ok is that she has often made you uncomfortable, has you questioning if the therapy is normal or healthy, which has led you to use the expression run for the hills, and has led you to this forum.
    Honestly, sounds like shes got too much of her own stuff going on. If it were me, I would not try to work things out because its gone too far off the rails. Shes not going to suddenly become the professional you need her to be. Its not your responsibliity to tell her how to act professionally; she should have already learned that in her course work and supervised practice. Shes not your dorm mate: hey lets talk and work this out. Shes supposed to be the professional already. ANd weèer not just talking about one or two questionable comments.
    Further sessions with her wiould probably be her justifying her unprofessional behaviour and trying to keep this unhealthy power dynamic going.

    I would trust your instinct thats telling you this isnt a healthy relationship and just quit.

  • Liza D

    April 29th, 2017 at 3:26 PM

    Hi Joshua. My advice is simply to ask her! By telling us, you’ve practiced saying (well, writing) what your concerns are. They are entirely reasonable.

    You might mention that these things which she has said and done are heightening your anxiety instead of reducing it. You can ask her to stop asking for hugs. You can negotiate whether or not you want to use therapy sessions to increase your comfort with making eye contact.

    How about suggesting to her that the two of you review your therapy goals. “relief from anxiety and depression” is pretty general. How will you know when you’re making progress? You should consider setting some benchmarks–before you first saw her, what were your most troublesome symptoms (don’t tell us–discuss this with her) and how are those symptoms now?

    After having this discussion with her, give some thought to how you feel about her responses to your concerns. Did she really seem to hear you? Did she take your discomfort seriously? Have the two of you worked on a strategy to help you reduce your symptoms?

    If you decide she’s making some progress in addressing your concerns, hurrah! If she seems to minimize your concerns or try to talk you out of them, tell her that in the next session…

    I’m hoping she’s wise enough to work on this well with you. You come across as a sensible and insightful guy who can either make good progress with her, or find a different therapist if she turns out not to be as good as you’d hoped.

  • Chelsea

    May 1st, 2017 at 11:22 AM

    Joshua,
    The comments you describe sound like an obvious case of boundary violations to me. I would kind of steer you away from negotiating the whole thing – she’s clearly made you uncomfortable on several occasions, and it doesn’t appear to be related to therapy itself.
    I might find another clinician.

  • John doe

    May 7th, 2017 at 5:21 PM

    Hi my bf is seeing a sex threapist to get over his freezing up while having sex… i know this guy is really innapporiate for what the bf tells me but him and the counsellor have crossed the line and allowed the threapist to f$ck him how do i report this ?

  • David S

    June 8th, 2017 at 7:54 AM

    My son has weekly sessions with his therapist who also acts as our family therapist (he is in a residential program for anxiety and depression). Our experience when we speak with her (once in person and four times by phone) is that she dominates the conversation and over-explains the efficacy/benefits of therapy. Almost sounds like she is convincing us or herself about the methods used at his program. We explained to her after call 2 that we felt she was trying to convince us of the various therapy methods (group, etc.) and that we were “on board” and did not need to be convinced. She said she heard us and that it helps her to know where we are at. However, we really are not feeling heard. While we do not want to undermine the program, we are now contemplating taking him out of the program. Does anyone have advice as to how to approach this? We may be able to find another therapist in the program, but that could also be awkward in the small environment. We want to ask our son (22 y.o.) who is doing well (mostly because of the work he is doing and his commitment to it), but do not want to undermine that relationship. He’s the type of kid who will make it work no matter how good she is. We are paying too much to get “adequate” at this point.

  • Cormack

    June 8th, 2017 at 11:07 AM

    Hi everyone,
    I want to echo what other therapists who have responded here have said:
    If you have a problem with your therapist, or even just feel uncomfortable about something, SAY SOMETHING to them about it as soon as possible. (It doesn’t always mean they are a bad therapist, but it will allow conversation about it.) A good therapist will be able to adapt their style to make you feel safe, cared for, and understood. That said, a good therapist may also challenge you at times or encourage reflection on topics that make you uncomfortable, once a good and safe relationship has been established. But they should never be verbally or emotionally abusing you, or using your time with them to take phone calls, etc. If you continue having problems with your therapist, even after just a couple of times of you expressing concern, REPORT THEM to their licensing board. If what they did was unethical, they will experience appropriate consequences. If not, don’t worry about it. They cannot get in trouble just because you report something – the report is simply the first step in a process that may lead to dismissal. I hope this helps.

  • Greg

    June 9th, 2017 at 5:06 PM

    Therapists on here almost always advocate trying to work it out and that is certainly one way to go but, as this thread demonstrates, there is a lot of questionable therapy going on that does not get better with talk so it depends on what the matter is and the client’s attempts, if any, to resolve it. Ultimately, it is the client’s decision–based on their experience with the therapist thus far– if they think it’s something that can be remedied or if they might be better off just getting a new therapist.

    Ideally, all therapists would hear the client, welcome feedback, and adjust accordingly but this thread shows that often does not happen. Therapists can be heavily invested in their beliefs in the efficacy of their type of therapy. So sure, talk it out if you are hopeful that will sort things out but don’t feel you have to.

    It has been well noted in this thread that bringing up uncomfortable feelings or issues–being challenged–is part of good therapy. But repeatedly feeling unheard, for example, or instinctively feeling that the therapy is lacking might be an excellent reason to consider a change.

  • Cormack

    June 13th, 2017 at 2:12 PM

    Agreed.

  • Wayne W

    June 10th, 2017 at 12:25 PM

    I discovered this “Good Therapy” blog in November 2015 and at first was excited and hopeful that I had found a resource that would be helpful and healing in regards to several painful encounters I have had with therapists. That excitement and hope quickly waned and I have not commented until now in over 16 months.
    I have been to over 250 therapists since 1982 and I can tell you with absolute certainty: “Trying to express or talk through a difficulty you are having with a mental health therapist is like pissing in the wind. It will always backfire and ultimately hurt you “the patient” in the end. Therapy is useless and harmful for people with severe emotional problems, especially those of us who feel suicidal or hopeless. The more negative your state of mind and being, the less likely of receiving help. Psychotherapy is a case of the blind trying to lead the more blind. It does not work.
    It also does little or no good to share the painful encounters we have had with unscrupulous therapists, because there is very little we can do about it other than discontinue seeing them, and by then the damage is done. You only have two real options: 1. File a complaint with your state’s Secretary Of State licensing board for mental health providers which is as useless as useless gets. 2. Hire an attorney if you can find one and attempt to file a suit against the said therapist. Most lawyers are not going to accept such cases.
    This “Good Therapy” website does no service to any of us except “lip service”. Occasionally a therapist makes an appearance hearing citing and glorifying the reasons we should continue seeking help in therapy. The entire mental health system is being undertaken by “unhealed healers” trying to impart healing upon us the suffering and emotionally impaired. It is never going to work. A therapist cannot give to a patient what they the therapist don’t first possess which is their own healing.
    Note to the Good Therapy staff: Tell us things we can do that make a real difference, not useless lip service that paints therapy as this helpful process which it is not. I have been committed 7 times in my life to mental institutions in Florida, Georgia, and Louisiana. And every time it happened I was under the care of a Psychotherapist.
    Don’t give up hope seeking help. Just give up hope that you will find it in the mental health system, because you certainly won’t.

  • The GoodTherapy.org Team

    June 12th, 2017 at 1:10 PM

    Hi Wayne,

    First, we wanted to say thank you for being a reader since 2015!

    Second, we wanted to say we’re sorry you’ve had such poor experiences with the 250 therapists you have worked with over the last three and a half decades. We completely understand that the mental health system in the U.S., and worldwide, has significant room to improve, which is part of why our founder and CEO started GoodTherapy.org back in 2007. We believe healthy, ethical psychotherapy should very much be part of the fabric of mental health treatment today and in the future. We are encouraged by the efficacy of psychotherapy in many cases, as seen in the growing list of evidence-based treatments, the expanding use of psychotherapy to treat mental and physical health concerns, and, anecdotally, by the comments we get every day from readers who let us know they found a good therapist on our site and how therapy has improved their lives. We simply see too much of the positive impact therapy can have to agree that it is never going to work for anybody.

    We’re sorry therapy and articles on our site have felt like “lip service” to you, but we do hope you find something useful for your particular circumstances in our many articles authored by licensed mental health professionals that share coping strategies and practical tips for better mental health.

    Thank you for your comment, and we hope you find a mental health treatment that brings you relief!

    Kind regards,

    The GoodTherapy.org Team

  • Wayne W

    June 13th, 2017 at 8:21 AM

    Attention: Good Therapy staff: Thank you for posting and responding to my recent negative post. However, I don’t wish to hurt other people on this site who still hold out hope for help from a therapist. Please feel free to remove totally my post if you wish, and I will not feel offended if you do so. Thank you, Wayne W.

  • Kimberly

    June 12th, 2017 at 7:21 AM

    My thoughts are why even bother? I had seen many T and the ones where you never had those issues to begin with were always the most helpful, respectful. I think that T should have to take an exam to see if they are mentally fit before practicing.

  • Cormack

    June 13th, 2017 at 2:18 PM

    Therapists take several exams to determine if they are fit to practice before they can get licensed; for licensed psychologists it is quite the ordeal. It is always important to make sure in the first session that your therapist is licensed (e.g. PsyD, PhD, MFT, LCSW, etc., not some obscure one). Unfortunately, some do slip through the cracks (and no assessment can ultimately prevent this from happening if one sets their mind to it). For those who still manage to slip through the cracks and get licensed but are unfit to practice, it is important we report them to their licensing boards in order to begin the process of discipline and getting their licensed removed.

  • Marie

    June 13th, 2017 at 11:58 AM

    I had managed to leave a therapist that was behaving abusive (some 20 warning signs I guess) and he took money for it in my very difficult financial situation (which he knew, of course). I left writing several e-mails (discussion, he persuating me to stay…). I checked where his licencing board was -the one type of therepist he claimed he was part of. The licencing board replied ” this person is not know in the town, nor in the whole country”. Not good for me. I finally wrote that I no longer want to go to the therapy and asked for refund for the sessions I suffered from “the therapy work” despite I specifified what kind of therapy is not ok for me. The therapist continued against my will, without my consent (and I figured it out just after several sessions).

    Here are some phrases from his response to me (no word about excuse et…practically attacking me, very “well” written that it makes the impression that it is me the “bad sheep”). In the previous e-mail he talked so much about how much we should talk about it again, how much his only concern is to help me the best he can etc etc.
    “I must say that I am very surprised by your message. On the one hand, you thank me for my help and wisdom, and on the other hand, you ask me for refund.
    If I did not identify in this behavior, your tendency to sabotage yourself, I would feel offended. I will not refund you, and you still ow me the last sessions. I already made you a very friendly price, in order to help you. I was there for you, I invested the time of our sessions, and I expect you to behave accordingly, respecting our agreement and the work done.
    I am understanding and supportive, as far as I am respected in my work, and as far as people respect their engagements. ”
    I guess it is not ok to treat me this way.
    It sounds as abuse. It makes me scary.

  • Marie

    June 15th, 2017 at 4:47 AM

    Sorry for the many mispellings in my previous e-mail.
    The therapis has allowed me to go. However, I must pay the money, otherwise I would feel like a victim if he allowed me not to pay. He also gives me an advice: to keep my agreements. He probably means to pay him for the last sessions, he attached a bill (that he did not send after I had expressed wanting to leave).
    This is truly heartbreaking.

  • Kennedy

    July 19th, 2017 at 2:32 PM

    Thanks so much for this list! Im 19 and at this point in time, I’m really considering a career that’s more so in the healthcare/therapy related field. I have an eye for physical/occupational therapy as well as counseling, and I feel like this list will help immensely to be the best therapist/counselor I can be! This list gave such valuable insight into what behaviors to avoid practicing and/or imposing on clients. I’d want whoever comes to me to feel they are safe and not judged for once. That’s such an important thing for me and I hope to really show that through my work, whichever path I may end up choosing.

    Bookmarked for future reference! ;)

  • Cindy

    July 27th, 2017 at 11:12 AM

    I’ve been starting to feel uncomfortable regarding the purpose of my therapy and therapist lately. At first I did think it was me – a valid introspective deduction for someone in for various issues. I thought perhaps her odd turns in conversation towards her own personal topics were for the purposes of teaching me to listen, or maybe be interested in the lives of others…. But those are things you can do outside of a $150 non insurance imbursed hour. She hijacks conversations frequently and turns them into her own odd personal rants – ones that are long and often strange to the point of not knowing how to respond (such as litter box habits and genital dis functions of her cats). When I finally get the conversation back to therapy – and breakthrews seem to be happening – she will find a parallel in her life and go off on a story about that, one that makes no sense and has no point. These interruptions were cute at the beginning of therapy…. But now they undermine it and I loathe the idea of going. I don’t feel we’ve made any progress in a long time. Do I these things out? Or just leave?

  • Mark H.

    July 27th, 2017 at 11:21 AM

    WOW…time to search for another therapist!!

  • Robert G.

    July 27th, 2017 at 11:27 AM

    LEAVE !!!! LEAVE !!! Immediately. She’s using you for her own therapy. And charging you for the privilege. You might consider one session you refuse to pay for where you unload and let her know how unprofessional she is. I had trouble finding therapists with any integrity, so I’m not surprised at your problem.

  • Anony-Mous

    July 30th, 2017 at 7:08 AM

    I had a therapist back in high school. It was my first ever one. I went to her for a while but as I was growing more and more depressed (my meds were doing NOTHING for me and my med doctor was upping them the least that she could every single appointment which was monthly because she was so damn busy all the time). Eventually I just got sick of going since nothing was changing and me being all depressed I didn’t want to go out at all. So about two weeks after my last missed appointment, I got notified that I was going to be contacted by CPS because someone (my therapist) spewed some garbage about how my family life at home was dangerous and that she feared for my safety. Keep in mind that we had discussed that my brother had anger issues (nothing abusive just cursing often and slamming doors) and she I guess took that as he was abusive or some bull that wasn’t true in the slightest. So she basically lied to the police and because I was a minor at the time they had to investigate by sending CPS, which by the way looked horrible on record because we had gotten them called on us in the past for me missing school (I was a sickly child but that didn’t matter to them). The cherry on top of it all was that this was three months before I was to turn 18 (which she knew because we discussed my turning 18 often). So instead of listening to what I was saying to her which was that I no longer felt the need to continue therapy with her because it was causing more stress in my life than help, she decides that the only way to fix it all was to call the police. The craziest part is that a friend had warned me about her before I started therapy. Said to watch what I tell her because she will use it against me if I ever try to leave. Turns out that is exactly what happened. Not to mention that recently I got into contact with some old friends from high school and they informed me that she did the exact same thing to them when they tried to leave. Calling the police and lying to get what she wanted. Keep in mind as well that we were told that we could leave at any time because at our ages (over 16) we were allowed to fill out our own paperwork. Also it was up to us to go to therapy since it was through the school and not through a doctors office/your parents don’t have to sign for you. Another thing that she did while I was still seeing her was she roped me into bringing my parents to one of the sessions even though it made me extremely uncomfortable (she wouldn’t leave me alone about it so I felt like I had to say yes). And then proceeded to talk to just them almost the entire time, only asking me a few “how do you feel about that” kind of questions in between everything. It was the worst. All in all she made it out to be that we were buddies until the end when she stabbed me in the back. Her only response to me after I sent her a text about how upset I was that she did this to me was “I was just trying to help you”. Now that I have to go back to therapy (I NEED it at this point) I am scared as hell to experience something like this again. After all she was so sweet and buddy-buddy in the beginning and then turned on me later. I just hope that whoever I get this time, they will turn out to be a blessing rather than a curse.

    —Something to point out to people who might not understand why I put so much emphasis on leaving. Well it’s because I was really against therapy for a while and when I finally worked up the courage and went, I made it very clear to her that I might not like it and that I might want to leave if I feel that it isn’t working out for me. That was when it was made crystal clear (or so I thought) that I could leave at anytime. And then when I did… Well you know the rest.

  • Mark

    July 30th, 2017 at 1:57 PM

    WOW!! It’s such a shame that professionals take advantage of those who are so vulnerable!

  • Chelsea

    July 31st, 2017 at 8:47 AM

    One questionable practice I’d like to note is akin to “Bait and Switch.” A clinician will listen and show sympathy for your predicament, then sing a different tune after meeting with the object of your distress (be it a parent, sibling, etc.). Perhaps out of fear, suggestibility or the maneuverings of the person with whom you are distressed, they will fail to address your issue with them, instead treating them as a pleasant acquaintance. They will then treat you as if there was nothing wrong to begin with. They are spineless in addressing the presenting issue. It’s a form of betrayal.

  • e

    July 31st, 2017 at 11:36 PM

    Great blog post, i’m going to retweet it and link it on my blog.

  • rose s

    August 5th, 2017 at 4:57 PM

    is it typical therapy practice for a therapist for my 17 year old son to NOT include ANY adult of the interactions with this minor child? we completed in-home-intense therapy, and this agency assigned this female therapist to my son, she has been seeing him for almost a year, and while my ex partner and i co-parentstays with her, now she has had some issues with our son that required a therapist intervention. my ex partner ws unawre of who the therapist is, and reach out to the old one. this woman has not called us and said ” i met with quenton, and we talked bout this, we talked about that, we talked bout this but cant share that with you in regards to his request for confidentiality. she has NOT had or requested a family meeting as i thought her , one of her primary objectives is to reunite our family in a mutually respectful relationship. when questioned about her ethics in this regard, i am told that she don’t share their meeting because of his privacy rights, i had to remind her of my ” parental rights” not to mention, that any interactions with a minor child and intentionally excluding the biological and non biological adult out the loop, IS ILLEGAL. i was told yet again, that this happened in regards to respecting his privacy. which i am all for, but surely, EVERYTHING you talk bout doesnt fit within. i ean, you dont have to tell me intricate details, just simply say, ” i met with your son today” something. ANYTHING. my son recently was racially targeted and attacked on school property, he is have THE MOST hardest time processing this, up to and including, attempting to take his life , twice now. i blew her, the therapist phone up, no answer, no return call. i also recently asked that she, help him process this tramua and NOTHING so far. i asked my son, do he meet with her, ( as i was not made aware of that fact at that point), i asked him what is it they talk? he says, “mostly nothing, we just play card games,”… he has been in a funk for a minute now, says he depressed, i mention this to her, and, yeap, you guessed it, NOTHING. I WANT TO REPORT HER AND HER PRACTICE ETHICS. anyone knows how i can do that?

  • Cormack

    August 6th, 2017 at 6:26 PM

    Hi Rose,
    I understand your desire to be a part of your son’s therapy. Most adolescents, including many who have not yet turned 18, have nearly the same rights to confidentiality as adults – the exception being if your son is up to something life-threatening or dangerous. Additionally, when it comes to both children and adolescents, sometimes the most therapeutic thing someone can do for them is to play with them while they listen to them. Also, as you have probably found, adolescents can be very private people and are not just going to open up to a therapist automatically just because she is a therapist (especially if he sees the therapist like another parent, or thinks the therapist might tell something to the parent he doesn’t want the parent to know). This may be the same reason he might tell you they just play games, because he might not want you to know what they talk about while doing so. Playing games with him while they talk might be one of the few ways to build trust/comfort and allow him to open up. Therapists can’t work miracles; you might need to be patient and give her some time. :)

  • Carolyn

    August 6th, 2017 at 1:30 AM

    First, let me extend my sincere empathy to you for the situation you are in with your son. I Googled “how to report a therapist seeing my minor child” and there are many answers to this question. However, I found the following message from Lynn Somerstein on Good Therapy:
    Lynn Somerstein, PhD, E-RYT: People under the age of 18 need parental consent for medical and psychological treatment. This law is devised to protect minors, although there are some variations in the United States depending on the state where you live. Some people under the age of 18 may be considered “mature” by legal standards and so don’t need parental consent. These people may be married or in the military.
    A good way to find help is to go to your school’s guidance counselor and ask. Alternatively, you can speak privately with your pediatrician, religious or youth leader, or a trusted teacher who will perhaps direct you to someone who can see you for therapy, although legal consent is still an issue.
    Payment, of course, is also an issue. Usually the parent pays. This is difficult for everybody, because the parents will feel entitled to information that they are paying for, that is their legal right. The clinician will have to develop appropriate approaches, consulting the parents and the child under 18, to protect the child’s privacy.
    Therapists tend to hide behind HIPPA laws as protection for everyone who sees them. However, as a parent, I would google the laws of therapists and minor children in you STATE and use the information you find as a starting point.

    A year ago I mentioned on this sight how my adult child along with her therapist decided to ‘not see us for a while’ because we (her parents) triggered her high anxiety. That was a year ago and my son told me she has see three different therapists since she “eliminated” us from her life. She is bipolar with high anxiety and depression. I don’t know if we’ll ever see her again. We are in our 60s and who knows how long we’ll be around. But I guess we’ll find out.
    However, if she was a minor, I would explode and begin contacting everyone in my child’s life regarding your rights. I hope you’ll be able to get there info you need.

  • Brad

    August 7th, 2017 at 1:51 PM

    This is a GREAT article, unfortunately I had a therapist that embodied about 50% of these…very good list to read through before you start

  • Kimberly

    August 7th, 2017 at 1:58 PM

    I had a few bad T in my lifetime. One was very combative with me, I think she shouldn’t be a T. Another called me a victim. Another said why should I believe YOU? If I had children under 18… I’m not sure I would allow them to go alone. I finally found someone, it took me quite a few years.

  • Plantation

    August 9th, 2017 at 3:36 PM

    You are my savior. How could any of this be better stated? It could not. Oh my gosh! A good article. You have a number of nice points there.

  • Lisa

    September 6th, 2017 at 1:15 AM

    My therapist and I ended our sessions a few months ago due to not connecting. She would constantly mention my weight, compare me to her children, hardly ever listened to my issues and remembered only the most ridiculous things during our sessions. She even questioned me on three separate occasions about a surgery I had while I was seeing her on incision locations and other odd little details. As a patient who suffers from PTSD and Panic Disorder and Agoraphobia, I’m embarrassed enough by my disorder. It’s difficult for me to even get out of the house without a panic attack, only to have her compare my mental issues with another. In the end, she told me I wasn’t trying hard enough, when she never discussed any coping skills with me, and never acknowledged the progress I did make. I always felt worse after each of our sessions – angry, ashamed, useless. And she had the nerve to say my family was handicapping me when they’re the only reason I ever even attempt to do anything. Anything I told her about what I felt was met with ‘So?’ and ‘Everyone deals with that’. I stayed with her because I have a hard time adjusting to new people, but I’ve learned my lesson. PLEASE, if you don’t feel it, don’t force it. Don’t put yourself through that agony, especially when you’re already going through a rough time.

  • Mark H.

    September 6th, 2017 at 4:45 PM

    Seek out another therapist. You don’t need any extra stress in your life, Lisa. Your therapist should be helping you to relieve your stress and offer coping strategies. Sorry to hear this.

  • M

    September 29th, 2017 at 6:41 PM

    In group therapy, my therapist recently has started making hurtful/unprofessional comments. Last week she said I didn’t face as much trauma as the other members. In the context it kind of made sense, but I was still taken aback and hurt, and she did try to take it back. Then the next week, another member said that she gets triggered when she feels rejected or like people don’t want to talk to her… then later in the discussion the therapist randomly interrupted her and basically said she should learn to talk less and listen more, and even said she should try to be like a kid in the backseat while her parents are talking! Even though it didn’t seem like this member was talking any more than anyone else or in an inappropriate way at all. She tried to explain what she meant, but it really did not make sense, and the other member was clearly upset, as was I. Also sometimes she really goes on about other clients she’s worked with and their problems. She doesn’t reveal their identities, but just goes into a lot of details of their problems, and I don’t really understand to what end. It’s not really helpful examples on how to solve these problems and sometimes it can be triggering for me. And then I worry she will tell other clients about my problems, of course.

  • Annie

    September 30th, 2017 at 11:25 AM

    I was using the “f” word when telling my counselor about something that had happened years ago, she jumped up and moved across the room and screeched “I can’t do this, I won’t do this any more you are the most vile person I have ever met!” Really? Because I cursed and her delicate ears can’t take it? Is therapy supposed to be a safe place where I can express myself? She has never said that swearing is not allowed. Is it out of line to personally attack a client? What if I was suicidal? That would have pushed me over the edge! I get complimented at work for being helpful and kind so I’m pretty sure I’m not “vile”. I have some issues that I am angry about and yes, I swear when I am relaying these things to my counselor. I have never attacked her very unprofessional behavior. Last week she said something about a person we both know who is also her client. She has never once started a session on time, even when there is no client ahead of me, she sits in her office does personal stuff until at least 15 after. She sometimes leaves early because of an on site meeting. I once had a 20 min session because of her late start/ early end. She eats during EVERY session. Not gum or 1 cookie, but a full on meal. (no matter what time my session is). She opens the door then leaves to get coffee or talk to someone else. Very unprofessional. Also she tells me constantly about her previous relationship and how her current husband cheated on her but they “got past it”. Did she cross a line attacking me like that? Should I go one more time and tell her how I feel about her behavior or just walk away? I’m really pissed.

  • Alisa

    September 30th, 2017 at 12:25 PM

    Annie – time to get another therapist and leave a review. I was able to cuss and be angry all I wanted – so long as it wasn’t a personal attack on the therapist – and yes, unprofessional to talk about their relationships and eat etc. this is YOUR life and YOUR time! YOU are paying for it! Find another.

  • Mark H

    September 30th, 2017 at 1:58 PM

    Annie…Yes, I think it should be a safe place where you can say what you want and how you want to say it. These “professionals” need to put their big boy and big girl pants on. Find another therapist and when you do, you might want to share this with your new therapist to see how he or she feels about a curse world slipping out. WOW!! Sorry to hear this!! Best of luck.

  • Chelsea M

    October 4th, 2017 at 7:06 AM

    These “professionals” need to put their big boy and big girl pants on.
    Yes. Sometimes I feel they are the biggest babies of them all. But, in fairness, other professionals exhibit unsavory behavior as well. For example, on my first day with my new GYN, I was treated to something of a diatribe about her ex. That someone even called the police on them. Her personality is likable, her medical knowledge good, but she left me shaking my head. If you ask me, I think it’s a cultural thing. Seems like Americans have lost their compass.

  • V

    October 29th, 2017 at 3:14 PM

    I feel re-traumatised by my now former therapist. I only saw her for about 2 months but in that time she managed to gaslight me and counter everything I said as well as basically put the focus and blame on me for some guy who I didn’t know side swiping his gas filled semi into my car by running a red light and taking off because I would not go out with him. I went to her for trauma and that guy and my car was one of only a series of events that happened to me for years on end. She had no empathy and no sympathy for the things I went through and instead, as noted, treated me as though I made stuff up and that things that happened were not a big deal, rolled her eyes at me, sighed at me, and had me start a timeline of events of trauma which we talked about, I started and the moment I emailed it to her she not only feigned to know what I was talking about (although we talked about it the week prior as well as from the moment I started therapy with her, but told me she never got the email although I sent it to her and never received a bounce back email. Apparently, when you have an MA and PhD in a field that is based on logic, as I do, according to Jen, you still can’t trust your own experiences and instead my life should be understood through the eyes of Jen who is apparently, fancies herself as a freeking mystical psychic. According to Jen, there are no bad people in the world, only people like me who imagine they exist or, you know, must have asked for it.

  • Marie

    November 28th, 2017 at 8:26 AM

    V and (others hurt by therapist),
    I am very sorry for your experience.
    I have been there. It is possible to be hurt in therapy. No gaslight about it by anyone. Only this web page has probably literally saved my life (because I was already suffering from PTSD and any further abuse was too much). If you made only two months with her (even that is also harm), good for you that you escaped soon !
    Maybe ask her for financial refund of all your sessions ?
    I posted here in spring. Then, I escaped from the therapist. I did not pay 1/3 of session (he sent me abusive e-mails, gaslighting me in the sense that I will feel like a victim and will have hard time to find another therapist if I don´t pay to him, I would be a bad person….). I wanted refund. He did not pay it. I wanted to report him to his licensing board (I would recommend it to do it !). Here I figured out that he was not licensed there. Nobody knew where….thus, the licensing board could have not helped me. They told me I have to contact a lawyer. I had not done it yet, as I have no force for it. So far.
    I had fallen sick with lungs, guts….for couple of months (for sure trauma-related to what happened in the therapy, e.g. survival shaming etc). In my internal life, I felt I would not make it. I needed to stop thinking about the abuse, I was not able to search any more information, any post. Strict calm from this topic. I just wanted to survive. After 6 months now since I am out, I can say: I had survived. I had come so far.
    If I were not so deeply traumatised, it would have been “just another abuse” in therapy, in my life. But it turned out very bad for me. I hope it will turn bad as well for this therapist.
    Good to leave. Thanks to all you have helped me that time and I was strong about to leave and save my life (probably literally).
    I am not sure when and if I will have the courage to find another therapist as I still need to heal from the therapy abuse.
    Without the abuse in therapy (2x), I would have not have severe PTSD. I could have never believed it was possible. Yes, there is not much literature on the abuse in psychotherapy. Looking forward to read the essay on bad therapy.

  • Mark H.

    October 30th, 2017 at 9:22 AM

    It never fails to amaze me how many insensitive “professionals” there are out there. My advice, because I’ve been there, done that….don’t go back. Find another therapist and report the unprofessional treatment you’ve received.

  • Ml topper

    November 26th, 2017 at 5:54 PM

    I can do seven years to figure out what was supposed to be going on. The woman I hired would never explain. The last interaction consisted of me asking why she treated clients like they were idiots, and her response was nothing she said was magical. With that final failure to communicate and final failure to be heard and understood I quit

  • Ml topper

    November 26th, 2017 at 5:55 PM

    Correction to my original post:
    I spent seven years…

  • Marie

    November 28th, 2017 at 8:46 AM

    I guess it is also about the positional power: a social power, have the public image (have a job, make the life, be “a good therapist” -my first abusive therapist used the world “an elite therapist” -he probably saw himself this way). It is also about money. It had always been. Even when I had the 100 % health care insurance cover (outside of the USA): I still was too poor for him and he wanted probably more rich, better clients, but still: he kept me stringing there (any money good from the health care insurance). He needed me.
    As abusers in childhood, in adulthood: they need somehow their victim. So far, my abusive therapist were all into money. When I did not pay the last one abusive therapist, he started to gaslight me and playing on “my good heart”: he took time for me, he made effort, to help me was his only concern, contracts are to be hold…blablabla. I laughed like crazy (helped out of the worst shock in therapy, resp. after I figured out that he had not the license he claimed to have): the money had hurt.
    Have a personal toilet (the client) and the money for it, the social position: for some people an easy job. Many of those who came through therapy themselves had noticed that doing a therapy job could be a way how to finance the life. After all, some of those who go to therapy, are abusers themselves (narcissistic people etc): they know the game, they had done the abusive tricks all their life long. Why not to get paid for it ?
    I don´t think that these therapist primarily want to abuse, but they just see an easy job in there.
    To tell the client/patient what is wrong with her or him, to suggest what to do (manipulate into some behavior, thinking, repressing the emotions), without having a deeper understanding of the diagnosis (besides the personal one and personal experience with “light abuse”). I believe now that they are not qualified. Maybe even not with information. Most of them not emotionally or on the level of their “body energy”. Morally not qualified.
    I have read that toxic and abusive people are attractive to the therapy-professions by nature.
    Receiving therapy from narcissistic- (like) people is hard.

  • disequilibrium1

    November 27th, 2017 at 10:18 AM

    Professional and consumer literature covering harmful therapy is slim and poorly researched. Even their ethics discussion seems more concerned with defense from lawsuits and grievances as opposed to client well-being. One counselor’s offensive client-bashing post here (now deleted) inspired me to write an essay: “Bad Therapy? A Disgruntled Ex-Psychotherapy Client Speaks Her Piece” which has had an ongoing discussion since. And another consumer started a blog: Trytherapyfree.

  • AJ

    December 7th, 2017 at 12:37 PM

    Therapist charges (prorated) hourly fees for writing (very brief, infrequent) update emails to parents of a teenager in treatment. Therapist won’t talk on the phone for even a minute without charging.

  • Mark H

    December 7th, 2017 at 8:49 PM

    AJ….get another therapist!!

  • Sterling D

    January 4th, 2018 at 7:40 PM

    51. My psychiatrist, who also ran therapy sessions, got me addicted to drugs!
    True story. He noticed that I was having trouble sleeping (because I nodded off in a session) and suggested that I take Xanax to combat insomnia. No further information, no cautions as to possible side effects, no warnings that benzodiapazines are, for some people, extremely addictive. And when I came back two weeks later asking for more because I had tripled my dose on my own accord because I thought it was a good idea, he kept right on writing it. For YEARS. I brought my concerns and he always told me it was all right and I should keep taking my meds as prescribed, now the altered higher dose. After several years, a stint in a mental facility in which I was assaulted and stabbed several times by a feral patient, plus some shock therapy, also at his recommendation, I had significant memory issues, erratic moods and I spoke like Ozzy Osbourne. The only help I received going off of it was the advice “don’t go off all at once or it will probably kill you.” I struggled with severe withdrawal and post-withdrawal symptoms for almost two years, and even now, 4 1/2 years after I stopped taking Xanax, I’m still dealing with memory holes and gaps, mood swings, panic attacks and feeling emotionally disconnected because I don’t feel the right emotions at the right times. And as a special parting gift I now have anxiety problems that I never faced before. I see a different psychiatrist and therapist now, but I also sleep with a loaded 1911 under my pillow. I’ll go out on my own terms before I ever go back to one of those facilities.

  • Mark H

    January 5th, 2018 at 11:29 AM

    WOW!!! Sterling, I’m so sorry to hear this. You’d think that the professionals we trust our lives with would be more sensitive, thorough and knowledgeable. Hang in there!!!

  • Betrayed

    January 15th, 2018 at 10:12 PM

    My boyfriend surfers from schizophrenia. Fall 2016 we found this woman therapist online. she had a license in couples counseling and another addiction. by the end of winter 2016, she made things worst between us, broke us up, but march 2017 she was sleeping with now ex. She has her own independent practice, so the hospital here said they couldn’t do much for me. I fact, the counselors in the area were giving her my information when I sought out help. I had to hire a counselor from out state to talk to. The therapist in a dual relationship with client/patient, my ex still with him. I hear NM laws are the same, that is very unethical. the woman has filed a series of complaints about me and send the police after me in order to discredit me and divert from her sin. I am a prisoner in my own home. Every time she sees me about she makes police reports stating I am following her. The client/patients cleans her car, stays at her home/office all the time, is seem taking the trash out, driving her car; she even had him install cameras all over her place in fear, people know is not right but most here don’t seem to care. They just see it, as a man who left his girlfriend for a counselor with a better car and bigger house. She filed a lot of accusations against my person, fabricated and filed a restraining order, just because it was pointed out, that her behavior was unethical. a few weeks ago, she had her client/patient file another one, in which they copy and pasted her restraining order to his. she is so paranoid. all is so insane, that a counselor/therapist engage in this kind of behavior. She also made a comment she has patient who are criminals and she is using them to follow me around. She has friends in town that are aiding her. I feel she has dirt on people and they might be protecting her. I don’t leave my house much except to work this days. my co-workers drive me home to make sure I get home safe. I am so hurt by what he did to me. one day he was talking to me the next day she made him “cut” his phone. His family talks to me and we go places. Not his dad. I hear they have met this couselor and are okay with it. I thought his dad like me. I was with this guy for five years, until counselor poising him towards me, so she can help herself to him. I don’t miss him anymore. we haven’t spoken for about six months now. I am going through a nightmare of law issues due to this woman filing fictitious accusations. I am afraid a lot thinking what else will this evil counselor would do next :-(
    BETRAYED

  • Incognita

    January 17th, 2018 at 11:49 PM

    BETRAYED, I am so sorry you had to and are going through this, while not the same situation years ago I had an ex that out of the blue yanked the rug from under me. Without warning, he moved his ex into his apartment there were no warning signs. I was so devastated after seven years he pulled this stunt. He had not really spoken with the woman in seven years! but he set up a home for her. His ex-gf had mental health issues, they also had children I raised for five years but that’s not the point. I developed insomnia, lost 40lbs in a month. I was so worried about him I saw a therapist; she treated my depression I only saw her twice. I believe hearing myself tell my story did the trick.. why the hell was I suffering because of him he was happy as can be- well for a short time lol. The second appointment, I understood what I need to do that was to take care of myself. I felt as if I would die if I stayed in the house where we lived together – yes I bought a house so the blended family would have space. I learned no matter how heartbroken I was – life was moving on the sun was still rising. I knew I wanted and needed to live. I asked myself how much my peace of mind would cost? I filed for bankruptcy; I was lucky I had a job that allowed me to move. Six months later I was moving to another city two hours away, I cut ties with the ex and his family- I loved his family. Yet, they were fine with his ex moving back in with him. It was the best decision I have ever made. I have told you all of this because I would like you to answer a question…. what is the cost for you to have a peace of mind? Only you can answer that question the second question is maintaining contact with his family a plus or a minus – is it causing you more harm? Right or wrong your ex-bf has done what he wanted without a care for your feelings. You are stronger than you think and this is no way to live your life. BETRAYED take control of your life, rebuild your life. It was hard and painful, but I did it, things did not work out with his ex-gf he begged me to move back and marry him after all the pain he wasn’t worth the move. If he could leave me and my son that easy he would probably do it again and I am not a second place prize. Good luck you will get through this mess, please let me know how you are doing. I am by no means a therapist, I’m just someone who has had their heartbroken, maybe my story will help by letting you know you are not alone. I don’t know you but I care that you are hurting.
    I hope you notice I did not say a word about the therapist – that is because right now this is about you healing and living your life. I had to learn and understand sometimes you just have to walk away so you can be happy. Sometimes people are not worth fighting for – you cannot save someone who doesn’t want saving. BETRAYED, what do you want? Think about yourself

  • Sterling D

    January 16th, 2018 at 2:10 PM

    I don’t know your situation beyond what you wrote, so if this is presumptuous, please forgive me. I honestly think you should move away. Unless there is something that ties you to that town, like family, it sounds like there is little left to hold you there. If you want to keep your current job, maybe a few towns over, maybe a similar distance from work but in the opposite direction. Or maybe this is the opportunity to pull up stakes and go someplace you’ve always wanted to be. This therapist sounds like Beelzebub’s atomic powered capital ‘B’ witch, and sometimes the time and effort required to continue fighting this just isn’t worth it. Sometimes it’s just better to leave it all behind.

  • Lu

    January 21st, 2018 at 6:48 AM

    I have PTSD anxiety and depression. Have been through Exposure Therapy with great success. Am still seeking therapy for depression and anxiety. My therapist is on maternity leave and it took 3 months to find a replacement. I saw new therapist twice. On my second visit I brought up something I heard in session about past trauma being triggered by a new, traumatic event. In my case the death of my unborn daughter. During the second session, my new therapist began acting as if she could see my daughter. She also told me that she was a beautiful singer acting as if she was actually hearing her. She gave me a message from my daughter. She was fixated on my daughter being a singer and wanted to know of any songs or music that I listened to around the time she was alive. She gave me very precise instructions on how to help my daughter make contract with me. Then she stopped “channeling” for a moment to say, “Okay, this right here, (pointing to her body), this right here is not social work. This is me as a medium. ”
    I already knew what she was doing.
    I am troubled with the ethical nature of my visit. I have a very strong belief system that the “dead are conscious of nothing”, and awaiting an earthly resurrection. I believe she was indeed communicating with a spirit, but not that of my unborn daughter.
    I did not ask for any clairvoyant therapy. I am troubled that she used my situation and exploited my grief and experience. This cannot be a part of a normal therapy session, right?
    For the record, I am not going back to her having such a distinct conflict of interest between us. I am having trouble sleeping now with the things she told me to do. Even though I dont believe in contacting the dead or them contacting us, it still planted these thoughts in my head that I am sincerely troubled by.
    I guess I am just seeking assurance that her morphing from therapist to medium is not typical for a session, and Im questioning the ethical nature of what happened.

  • LizD

    January 21st, 2018 at 12:50 PM

    Drop that so-called therapist ASAP. Just don’t go back, not even to provide a reason–no further contact is needed. What a nutcase! I know quite a few social workers and psychologists. One or two might well say something a lot like that, but they are totally unprofessional and serve only to give the profession a bad name.

    Incidentally, I have a long history of chronic complex PTSD (now in remission) and lost twins years ago. My heart goes out to you.

  • Banda

    February 2nd, 2018 at 7:34 PM

    I went to see a therapist this week whom I used to go to but haven’t seen in about a year. She was clearly HIGH during the session. She kept interrupting me and rambling, she even called me by the wrong name one time, and making points that had nothing to do with what I was there to talk about (for example, she kept bringing up how important it was to give 110% to my marriage when what I was trying to discuss was my work situation and I hadn’t mentioned my husband at all). By the end of it she was rambling about hidden meanings in street signs and stuff like that, and how I should start looking for hidden meanings everywhere, and then out of the blue she just got up and said goodbye without even asking me if I was done or looking at a clock to see if our time was actually done. It was bizarre and I do not intend to ever go back, but I am also shocked at her behavior since I never had this experience with her before.

  • Jessie C

    February 20th, 2018 at 10:04 AM

    I found this free counseling on Google & have gone twice (less than 2 hours). Basically, I just want to vent, keep these vents confidential (e.g. if I say bad things about my husband, my friends won’t look at him funny!) and feel better. I tried to tell her my life story and revealed my emotional vulnerability so she may be able to understand me better. After first visit, she concluded that I have a controlling issue. After the second visit, she said I am so unhappy with my life. I am so negative. I had to tell her that I am happy with my life but I am very stressed with my living because I am a mother of three kids and I try to keep up with our every day lives. Generally, I sense that she wants to create a diagnosis that needs to be treated. Is this what the counseling school teaches these days since she said she has a master degree?

  • Incognita

    March 17th, 2018 at 9:04 PM

    Jessie C,
    I understand what you are saying one of the major problems was my therapist kept assigning emotions that I didn’t have. I was told I was angry. when he yelled at me, he said I was the one with an anger problem. I told him I would not agree with emotions I didn’t feel. If you walked into his office and asked him who I was he wouldn’t be able to tell you. One thing I felt annoying is this need they had to see me cry. I told him it comes to a point when a person gets sick of crying and want to work on a solution. It was if I didn’t cry I wasn’t having a valid reaction.
    Cory, that’s a lesson it took me a while to learn, I was focused on having a therapist I put up with a lot of unprofessional behavior.

  • Cory

    February 24th, 2018 at 2:28 AM

    Yes; most agencies you go to require a diagnosis to continue treatment (especially if they take insurance, because insurance will usually only support certain diagnoses). But also, we all have issues, sometimes ones we aren’t aware of, as well as feelings we may not be aware of. For your therapist to be effective he/she will need to have the space to suggest hunches and will also need to give you the space to correct them, if they are wrong, as you did. It’s a relationship. However, if the therapist is constantly suggesting things that you don’t connect with at all, it might not be a good fit and you should find someone else.

  • Mark H.

    February 24th, 2018 at 6:10 PM

    A side comment, folks. Watch what happens with mental health evaluations in order to own firearms. Our therapists will be real busy!!

  • Incognita

    February 27th, 2018 at 9:29 PM

    How is anyone going to know 1 who is in therapy 2 they are applying for a gun permit? They don’t they won’t if someone’s therapist thought they were a threat they were already reported it’s a non-issue. I’m sure people have bigger fish to fry.

  • Mark H

    March 1st, 2018 at 3:18 PM

    Incognita,
    There aren’t any bigger fish than protecting our children and all of our citizens from mentally ill people with guns. It’s up to the law makers to come up with a solution, NOT your or I!!

  • Michael

    March 1st, 2018 at 4:41 PM

    Does anyone know a good psychologist who might be willing to hear of an experience and say whether it should be reported, or even taken to court as malpractice?

  • Marie

    March 26th, 2018 at 11:21 AM

    Pseudonymous Chonicus,
    I am very sorry for what you have to go through.
    It sounds truly tough.
    I don´t know any advice what to do (about the American psychiatry). I had just some my own experience that unfortunately taught me that in such tough times, it is better to keep oneself safe. If you don´t have some special reason for attending these institutions, hotline….maybe stop fighting them. It can make some people to fight against you. It is maybe better to postpone the solving the situation and injustice for later. People can mistake somebody in need, in high emotional states for “dangerous” or “crazy”. I believe that this is highly unprofessional, but it is still better for you to keep you safe, don´t argue with unprofessional people.
    If you are in need, maybe are there any other hotlines ? I heard about the Samaritans (they shall have a webpage when one can write to them….but I never used that).
    What about trying some self-compassion to sooth yourself, keep the boundaries with the mentally ill person you need to take care for, for right now. Later on, it will pass. I would not put the complaint against the authorities right now. They don´t seem to be helpful and keeping you safe.
    I used to search for help frantically and mainly, I got abuse instead of help. What helps me more is dream work, the “non-conventional therapy”, to have somebody to talk through this way…etc.
    Take good care of yourself !
    Keep yourself safe.

    Post how it worked.
    Here some link to self-compasission practice to be used in tough times: rickhanson.net/resilience-summit/resilience-day-2/
    I often go to Sounds True facebook page for some good times. Or to the webpage of empaths by Judith Oŕloff.

  • Incognita

    March 28th, 2018 at 8:35 AM

    Pseudonymous Chronicles have you tried to contact your insurance company this may come as a surprise to some but depending on your state mental health records are not treated the same – you may not have the right to see them. Yes, I realize that they are your records, but they are not treated the same these notes are kept separate from the rest of your records. Understand the information is very sensitive. The records are kept separate because your medical records are seen by so many people by people I mean medical staff in different departments.  I had a great therapist – he told me he would not include his notes with my mental health records.
    I know there are some who will not believe what I have said but I advise everyone to get a copy of their mental health benefits. The insurance company sends out a statement yearly stating your rights and responsibilities. You may have insurance from one company but your mental health benefits are different. Most insurance cards in the US has one number for medical a second for therapy and drug treatment. I warn everyone and anyone read your proof of insurance know what is included and know what happens to your records. Don’t ignore the yearly documents you get about your mental health and drug treatment. Don’t just sign the paperwork your therapist puts in front of you – Read it.It does not matter if it is written in black & white ask –  What happens to my records? What records am I allowed to see? What am I not allowed to see and why can’t I see those records? What happens to my records if I seek treatment from another doctor? These questions may not seem important but they are when trying to get your information. 
    I know this post is long but Pseudonymous Chronicles, from this day forward you should not contact that doctors office. Have a third party contact your doctor’s office. If you ever have a problem with a doctor, the first call you place is to your insurance company. (A doctor who my covering for my son’s regular doctor refused to see my son he said he was only covering emergencies. I called my insurance company the person from the insurance company told me to sit by the phone she would call me back in five minutes. She called back in three; she told me to take my son to the doctor he was there waiting for my son.)
    Pseudonymous Chronicles,  the last thing you want is for them to labeled you a problem patient. That happens a lot of time with chronic pain patients when their pain is not being managed They get frustrated, make demands the doctor labels the patient as hostile, combative and worst – noncompliant. That information goes back to the insurance company. The last thing you want is for you not to be taken serious. If you are applying for workman’s comp or disability, this works against you. If you want to see a new therapist or doctor it became more difficult and can color the way you are treated.
    Understand you may not be able to get a copy of those records. I am including a link about how medical records are handled from the American Psychological Association. Remember your mental health record is consider sensitive patient information different from medical records the information is treated different. There are more safeguards for both you and the therapist. Most important do not get into verbal confrontations with medical staff. They can paint you in a very negative light. If you feel things are getting heated walk away. Call your insurance company, remember you have rights as a patient There is a system in place for you to request records, understand the answer could be no. When you are treated by a therapist, they should give you a copy of paperwork telling you your rights and responsibilities. If you have the time speak to someone in legal aid – they are free. Your first appointment is an interview you are interviewing a therapist for a job – to treat you. Therefore you should have a list of questions. A important question is what happens if we do not get along or if the two of you are not a good fit. There is no difference between choosing someone to do work on your home, a mechanic to work on a car or a doctor. You are paying for a service. 
    Pseudonymous Chronicles, understand also sometimes we have to walk away to protect your mental well being and health. Good luck let me know how things turn out
    apa.org/monitor/feb03/hipaa.aspx

  • Rose

    March 28th, 2018 at 1:59 PM

    I am so sorry to hear of so many people’s mistreatment by a therapist. My own past therapist slept with another client of hers. It has been very confusing to me as her client, to say in the least. Without disregarding the very clear issues that some clinicians have–loose sexual boundaries, violence, verbal abuse, and many of the points listed above, I would like to hold space for human-ness. Being a therapist myself, it is extremely hard to conduct therapy in a perfect way. Its messy and complex. I have absolutely made mistakes in therapy. It’s tough work. I haven’t meant to and with my whole heart I have tried to be benevolent and help my clients. While you are processing your rightfully-earned feelings, I invite us all to try and keep in mind that these people are human. One Love.

  • Mark H.

    March 28th, 2018 at 4:28 PM

    Rose…being human and making mistakes….sure, but there’s gradations of everything. Some of the “mistakes” that therapists are making are way too high on the scale….they need to be held accountable!!!

  • Me too

    March 29th, 2018 at 7:15 AM

    Sleeping with your clients and verbal abusing them are not “Mistakes.”

  • Jane

    March 29th, 2018 at 9:23 AM

    My therapist let me ramble on through what I didn’t know was our last appointment. At the end, therapist announced they were leaving the practice, opened the door, and waited for me to leave. Wouldn’t even look me in the eye. I will never trust my innermost thoughts with a total stranger again.

  • Wayne

    March 29th, 2018 at 7:03 PM

    Sorry, but being human or having humaneness does not excuse you or any other therapist for the blatant in competencies that so many of us have suffered here at the hands of angry and wounded so called therapists. If you already have the perception that therapy is messy and complex, then you are already in the unhealed therapist category and should resign your role as healer. The unhealed cannot heal others who are unhealed. “Being Human” has been used to justify throughout history an entire host of destructive and damaging behaviors and attitudes that destroyed other people’s life.

  • Caitlin

    April 3rd, 2018 at 2:08 PM

    My mother went to the local guidance center, as we have state insurance and their little clinics are where we’re sent to first if we ask for help, and when she told them about her severe depression and anxiety, they told her to try lighting candles and going to her happy place.

    I then went to another branch of the state run centers for post partum depression. The first guy I talked to basically called me a liar, and the woman after him flat out said she didn’t know how to help me.

    I’m now looking, years later, for help with PTSD. My doctor referred me based on who accepts my insurance, and it’s the same useless state run system. I don’t think so.

  • kent

    April 11th, 2018 at 1:29 AM

    I wanted to show up at my therapy appointment at 4PM. The first time I did. Then my therapist is telling me I need to show up at 3PM. I asked why and she says it’s because teachers and other people need that time after they get out of school and stuff. Isn’t that like saying I’m not important? Then she keeps calling me two days before the appointment. Isn’t a week the norm?

  • Kimberly

    April 11th, 2018 at 7:09 AM

    I would run far from her. She is a controller and possibly could be damaging.

  • Mark

    April 11th, 2018 at 10:34 AM

    Doesn’t seem like there’s many caring therapists out there. Fortunately, I “think” I’ve found one, but at times….I wonder.

  • Marie

    May 13th, 2018 at 7:25 AM

    Hi Eab,
    yes, this is true. I am paying for the service. I am his employer. That sounds empowering. Thank you.
    I have to repeat it to myself again and again. Last year, I was gaslighted very much by a proclaimed psychoanalyst (I found later that he was not known in any society for psychoanalysis, so maybe he was only in training or what he was I don´t know). I made it to escape from him and I did not pay him 1/3 for his “services” (he sent me a bill once in 2 months). It felt so good that I stand up for myself. I was discussing with him my “perceived” abuse and mind control over e-mail. He said that his only concern is to help me. Contracts are to be kept. I might regret not paying him. He took time to “help me” and now I don´t want to pay him for the “perceived abuse”. He said that I was so caught up in my “projections or shadows”. it is too hard for me to see it…and thus, I get angry at him. He tried to remind me how hard it was to find a help for me. He is here. I don´t want him. It was me, not him. He shamed me deeply: being a bad person for not paying him, the great guy. It was tough. If I had not studied a lot of abuse in childhood and general, I would have committed a suicide (he talked me into being a psycho as well, I believed him). It was a nightmare.
    I was suffering from another re-traumatisation and became sick for 3 months (unfortunately my PTSD is so bad).
    However, I felt that if I paid to him, I would feel so bad for myself, so abused, so ashamed and all how he gaslighted me would have been worse. Not paying had helped me. I got out. Only, I was lucky that he sent the bills after the therapy sessions, not in ahead. I was afraid that he will come to beat me down (he knew my address because of the bills being paid to him). Then I was afraid that he will sue me. I have still 2 years to wait to be fine with it. Nevertheless, I feel not re-traumatisation about this issue with him, my body does no hold it which is amazing. I guess it is as well because I did not pay him. At least some luck.

  • eab

    April 30th, 2018 at 11:02 AM

    my therapist asked me to work for him. i did so and it became a disaster. he didn’t want to pay me even though he told me to bill him at a pre-determined hourly rate. when i forcefully told him he needed to pay me for my time he told me that the work i did for him impacted him in a way he thought put upon-INCREDIBLE!! he claimed i behaved in a way that i absolutely did not behave. i did an outstanding job for him. he used his influence over me to steal from me. i think he believed i would gladly work for free due to my attachment to him. once i demanded to be paid, the claws came out! i ended up in therapy due to therapy and i made him pay for that too!! I spent a year in depression and became a recluse until my mother helped pull me out of the deep shame i felt as a result of his betrayal.

  • Christie

    May 1st, 2018 at 9:07 PM

    How about blatent racism? Who do I report this to?

  • The GoodTherapy.org Team

    May 2nd, 2018 at 6:40 AM

    Hi Christie,

    I am sorry to hear you have had a concerning experience with a therapist. If you have ethical concerns regarding a therapist who has treated you, we encourage you to file a formal complaint with your state’s licensing board. If you need help contacting the board, please let me know what state you are in and I would be happy to try to direct you to the proper channel.

    If you have any questions about this or anything else, please don’t hesitate to give us a call. We are in the office Monday through Friday from 8:00 a.m. to 4:00 p.m. Pacific Time; our phone number is 888-563-2112 ext. 2.

    Kind regards,
    The GoodTherapy.org Team

  • Marie

    May 8th, 2018 at 1:48 AM

    I am sorry, Eab.
    Therapist get paid for the therapy, that is enough.
    He seems to have used some of your skills. Not ethical.
    Good that you left him !
    You can report to his licensing board. Event. go to the court: he could repay you the money you spend on the work you did for me and this was not paid.

  • Marie

    May 8th, 2018 at 1:59 AM

    What about when the therapist does not agree to make some changes in the therapy methods that the client is suggesting ?

    I want to convey the message that this particular method does not work for me (not for severe PTSD), but the therapist is of opinion that it would be too challenging for him to do what I want, and thus he might not read the articles I send and is going probably using the method (I call it the Dr. Phil´s psychology- needing to tell me what I do wrong, that I also make people angry….etc…tell me that I am playing the victim card: but not truly go deep into what happened, what is my trauma underneath.).
    I would not like to lose this helping person, however, I smell that this methods is not helping me, on the contrary, it is harmful in PTSD.

  • Marvin

    May 9th, 2018 at 5:46 AM

    I suggest you leave as soon as possible I saw a therapist for 10 years,spent a lot of money. After telling him I didn’t think this was helping, he said that’s the therapy! Basically, take it or leave it. I left . HIs website talked abour his multi modal approach. I didn’t see any multi modal approach. You’ve got a warning. Take it1

  • Marie

    May 9th, 2018 at 8:06 AM

    Thank you, Marvin.
    This resonates with me: take it or leave it.
    This is therapy. This must be done. The therapist says to me” you need to hear what you are doing wrongly” vs I fight against it. I want to find my emotions, what happened to me and my body. When once abused and harmed, the body literally bleeding, yes, I will be not be there where I would have been and others are without the wound. It sounds so logical, this therapy.
    Only it does not help. It drives crazy (like the mind control).
    I will have to accept this warning. If nothing changes in the approach of the therapist, I have to prepare to leave. With all the grief in it. Like losing my parent. But being still badly wounded.
    Actually being more smart than the therapist and leave anyway. It is pretty tough to do in the position of the wounded, the submissive one.

  • eab

    May 9th, 2018 at 8:39 AM

    marvin, what kind of work was he doing with you?

  • eab

    May 9th, 2018 at 10:14 AM

    To Marie. My Reply to your reply to Marvin ;-)….the best feeling in therapy, when you are hopelessly attached, is when you realize you are the one handing over your power to others. no one has power over us unless we give them power over us. the problem with putting another human on a pedistal is when they eventually fall (and they WILL), they land on the one who put them there and boy oh boy does that hurt…but here’s the good news…after the dust clears, there’s an opportunity to grab your power, open your eyes and see the situation from a more realistic view point…so much relief if we can stay with it and allow ourselves to see that our therapist is not better than or smarter than us. And, remember, you are paying him for a service. you are his employer. that does not mean you control him but it means you have a right to get the service you are paying for. if you don’t get what you pay for you get to leave! how powerful is that!?!

  • Marie

    May 13th, 2018 at 8:00 AM

    The thing is how to recognize whether the service being paid is a good therapy and not eventually the covert mind control (the very typical one for me, coming from the abuse from my childhood etc) or any other form of abuse, plus it is helping ? I feel very often helpless and hopeless that I will ever find somebody to help me.
    It seems very illogical and impossible that me, as a severely traumatised person, must study the therapy methods in order to check out whether the therapist is not applying any form of possible abuse….
    and on the top find out what helps (kindness, compassion, safety, being hold and go into the trauma, listen to me, don´t tell to get over it and move on, dismiss my).
    The attachement to therapist is a difficult thing ( I learn only from internet and some courses, I am not a therapist). They say that in trauma (esp. a severe complex one), one need to find somebody who will allow us to be attached and hold us until we feel safe. In a professional way. Doing the therapy. To heal the trauma-bond, break the bondage to sort of abusive people (the same experience as in the childhood etc.)
    The thing is that this can be so much misused by the therapist or healers. Purposely or without intent (lack of knowledge).
    I don´t know myself how to find somebody who will allow me to heal in being hold in safety.
    I know how to find those who will reinforce my trauma and don´t allow me to process it (my letting me doubt my percpetions),
    This female therapist (coach in fact, but very nice one until certain important topic showed up, the trauma-topic) does not agree to educate herself on. I am her employer and she tells me that she cannot do what I want (as if I was controlling her). The former abusive therapist told me tha “he cannot validate my feelings”. Which is so important for PTSD and I never had in my life, this is why my body suffers so much. I did not know about this principle last year, and even when I read about it and it shows up in therapy where I am attached and abuse-able, submissive, I don´t recognize it immediately. I need to study it up, then I tell it to the therapist. Then he or she (I agree, female, same sex is better for me) tells me that it is my projection or my shadow, and it must be for sure hard for me to deal with it (with their abuse or lack of knowledge that is reinforcing my trauma) and it is about me. They only want to help me. I need to communicate with them honestly. It is truly crazy-making gaslight.
    The thing is that I don´t know how it feels when one is being helped (as being sick…), not repressed or put into the submission to the knowledge of the therapist.
    I feel that it is a very hopeful message you say: it is possible to heal. When one finds somebody who can help him heal, create the space. Therapy can heal.
    I am very sad that I will have to leave this female therapist/coach (she was the best and helped me when others abused me). I would love that she would study about the PTSD more, about the cover mind games that are done even unintentionally. However, she refuses to do so. She thinks she is right.
    She has the power over the client.
    I will have some time to sort this out. Educate myself on the gaslight in therapy and understand that this time, it is not an intent being made upon me, however, it is as well harming me.

  • Marie

    May 9th, 2018 at 8:07 AM

    Sadly, when the client says: it is not helping
    The therapist might replay: it is your projection, your shadow, it is not about here and now in the therapy, it is about your father, your mother etc. To me, it is so hard to free myself from dominating me and pushing me into some insight about me and to distinguish that this is not helping.
    I try to understand that sometimes, it might not be the purpose of the therapist (as I have experienced already), but it can be the application of some kind of psychology, tools that the therapist has learned.
    I might not be able to convey to the therapist that this is not helping me. It might be a fight, a conflict of opinions. I am the one with wounds, the one in the submissive position vs therapist is the one with the power (over me). It will be ultimately me who might be hurt (additionally to the fact that I will not be allowed to process the emotions that I need to when being shamed and wrong and pointing out to my flaws and my so called codependency in every possible moment the therapist finds).
    I found there is a book by Theodore L. Dorpat called Gaslighting, the Double Whammy, Interrogation and Other Methods of Covert Control in Psychotherapy and Analysis

  • eab

    May 9th, 2018 at 10:01 AM

    marie. he is re-traumatizing and re-inforcing your past trauma rather than providing safety and trust, which, i believe, is what you need (safety/trusting relationship). therapists have their own issues and often they bring them into therapy when a patient is hitting something in them. my therapist re-traumatized me and i thought it was my fault. he re-inforced this belief by saying it was me, not him. i belonged to groups that he facilitated along with individual therapy. i got to know his other patients through group work. none of them had the issues with him that i did…further deepening my self doubt and shame. finally, after YEARS, he had apparently grown up enough to realize and confess, that I brought up his issues. i reminded him of his mother, ex-wife and daughter…all of whom he has trouble dealing with in his life. he realized he was sexist and ego driven. at least he finally took responsibility which allowed me to eventually feel safe enough to take responsibility for the things I do in life that create my own suffering…but, it took too long, too much money and i was fortunate that he finally grew up enough to admit his problems. i would recommend you find another therapist. i know how hard it is to leave. it can feel scary and lonely. we become attached to our therapists even when they are abusive. if we have been abused by parents or others, we might be unconciously replaying the past in order to try to change ourselves so that one day the therapist (ie parents) will love us (because we thing we are the ones who need to change for others)…it’s not the job of the therapist to be doing this and a good therapist would help you find another therapist as gently as possible.
    a good therapist will not allow their patients to become attached to them. no hugging/holding, no touching of any kind, no personal information. all they really need to provide is safety/confidentiality and an ear…with some kind advice/coaching/guidance.
    may i suggest a same sex therapist. i did this and found she kept the boundaries very clear and she enforced them (gently….). i healed within a few months after having been with the other therapist for YEARS! at the end of the day it’s about healing and moving on with your life. i guarantee you, it’s a lot better on the other side of therapy. i know that hearing this probably seems unbelievable and frightening but getting caught in a cycle of pain and frustration is not the purpose of therapy.
    i hope this helps you.

  • Marvin

    May 9th, 2018 at 10:49 AM

    The therapist I saw did something called modern psychoanalysis, the update to Freud. He was very involved in its creation, and wrote a book which was acclaimed in its field. he studied with a zen master in Korea and ran a family institute which trained other therapists. Yet he never asked me about my family and only focused on what I was thinking at the moment. I raised the issue of parental modelling, which mine was poor, and he dismissed the whole idea. Every time I asked when we were going to deal with my issues, he said we’ll have to see how the therapy goes. I went. Total BS. One of the 50 questions above is to ask the therapist how you will know when the therapy is finished. The therapist’s answer is that it is never finished !!!
    For many therapists it’s all about money and power. Probably this sit has some good ones. Be careful

  • eab

    May 9th, 2018 at 1:49 PM

    TO MARVIN: wow! that sounds very similar to my experience. my therapist studied zen under a well renowned teacher in ny. he followed him to be his student. he uses a combo of eastern and western philosophies. wrote a book. has a following. created a modality based on his experience with several teachers he worked with. i was with him 15 years!!!!! i don’t want to add up how much it cost between retreats and “therapy”. as for his behavior. some of it was so strange that it should have been a signal. it’s amazing how wonderful it seemed while immersed in it, but looking back it sort of makes me physically ill. i don’t want to say the things he did (nothing sexual) but i will say many of us worked for him…made his meals and brought them to his office, landscaping, office work, research, collections from past dues (a real no no…patients calling other patients!!!), planning events and on and on. i was caught in the net for a long time.
    luckily i did a job for him but told him i needed to be paid and that it was not volunteer work. it was a huge project that was valuable and took months to complete. at the end, he refused to pay me.
    since i was hopelessly attached to him and had always volunteered my services, I believe he thought he could get away with it. when i insisted he pay me, he said “how would you like it if I did that to your yard?” (i landscaped his s huge yard that had been neglected for years.) i had no dea what he was talking about and he would not tell me what he was referring to. i was stunned and became deeply ashamed. i WAS able to find it in myself to fight with him over email to insist on payment. it was very hard and scary but i knew i had to stand up to him or the shame would destroy me. I threatened reporting him. i called an attorney.
    i then knew i had been in a cult. i knew he had used me and my insurance company. it was devastating but it sure snapped me out of the trance. it’s too bad it took such a violent event to get me to wake up but it sure served me in the end. people must be very careful as you say.
    for people reading this, a huge signal is when a therapist tells you that therapy never ends (as ours did). it is extremely important for therapists to set boundaries right off the bat. ask what the boundaries are and make sure you know your boundaries. i would suggest NO touching, hugging or holding, even hand shaking. i recommend asking him/her to avoid talking about their personal life in any way shape or form. avoid a therapist who works from home. be aware if you notice becoming attached and make sure you tell your therapist that you are feeling attachment. i would suggest sitting instead of lying down. lying down is a vulneralbe position and can give the therapist (in our mind) authority and control. he always insisted that i lie down. looking back that makes me feel ill. sigh…it can be so messy. well..thanks for listening to all of this!

  • Marie

    May 13th, 2018 at 9:01 AM

    Marvin,
    these gurus are very confusing. They pretend to be spiritual and therapist, and maybe they are the false prophets, pretty covert. The spiritual abuse and mind hacking is difficult to recognize. Don´t let yourself being hold back from good therapy, based on the experience with spiritual and abusive therapists.
    I was abused by therapist that claimed to me that he was a shaman and psychoanalyst. I thought that he understands the body harm in PTSD (as he claimed as well). His teacher and guru was a psychoanalyst and master of some martial arts (famous in Europe) who had written several books. I got one of his books, the “master” had recommended me to his pupil, my future abusive therapist. I finally read one of the books of the master (on family abuse). He suggested there a violance for the abuse victims (sexual violance in fact, done in words in psychotherapy, applied on women with covert narc mothers and no father). I am sorry I had not read this book earlier. He described the stages of mind covert manipulation that the male therapist need to apply on his female client in order to prepare the stage for the abuse (that will trigger catharsis and healing). Wow.
    The pupil of this master, the abusive therapist I had, was using the exact tactics and phrases of the book from his master. He wrote a lot about his master on his facebook ( I recommend to spy on the therapist…..it is very insightful and helps their victim). He used the name of the master to keep me in the covert abuse.
    Sometimes, it is better to run away….than challenge these people (esp. when being in need myself), as their rage is very tough. I understand that I would be made into a crazy person when I would be challenging a master.
    It was about money. The abusive therapist wanted to make me become a patient in psychotherapy, he even offered me to “talk to the future psychiatrist about my issue”, always protecting me. I would be his patient forever. I found in the book and some talks on internet from his master, that he as psychoanalyst accompanies their life with their patients for some 6-10 years. It is lots of money being paid to him.
    Paid for potential violence.
    The abusive therapist even made a “good price” only for me. I later figured out that this price was the normal one from France (where the therapist came from). He bullied me into financially helping me while he was asking from me more than what people would pay him in France (if he were a psychoanalyst).
    It was about money and power. Covert manipulation in psychotherapy.
    Maybe these people are those who are called covert narcissist. Or they are moving close into….learning the covert mind hacking on the internet, in books, from the “secret” teachings, teachers etc.

  • Marvin

    May 10th, 2018 at 9:09 AM

    When I was in my 20s I saw a therapist for 3 years who did something called Reichian therapy, which is supposed to help your break out of your frozen character structure. He never asked me about my family and when I finally said bye bye when I lost my job, he told me I should be a water meter reader, so I could avoid much contact with people. His therapy was supposed to help me break out of my inhibited mold, not go more into it. Also, I have an MBA which he never asked me about. Great career as a water meter reader!! The modern psychoanalyst every time I asked when we were going to get to my problems, he kept saying “we’ll have to see how the therapy goes”. Well I went. I got myself together with a Buddhist practice which gave me a much more comprehensive picture of my life. Therapy doles out little bits of insight but never the whole picture. One book I would recommend is Taming Your Gremlin by Rick Carson . A good way of getting hold of all the crazy stuff that goes on in our brains. this helped me a lot. Also the Don’t Sweat the Small Stuff series. Lots of wisdom about life. That;s what therapy is supposed to give clients, but the real goal is money and power. Very few therapists with integrity. Look at Dr. Phil. Makes loads of money. He won’t use the same bathroom as other staff. Should tell you something.

  • Marie

    May 13th, 2018 at 8:23 AM

    To Eab.
    Thank you very much.
    So true, I need to feel safe..safe to explore what happened to me.
    It feels good when one is being reflected on this (I never was in therapy, I was called lazy for not progressing and many other cruel words). How hard when one suffers from PTSD, even the one with severe body reactions and one is being treated this way !
    I started doing the mental therapies because I did not know much about PTSD. All the therapist told me that they do treat PTSD and they know what it is about. And they start to be cruel to me. It is true, it does not allow me (the client) to unfold, to trust oneself and process the emotions…and “finally make my life as the majority of population” as I was told (it is as well cruel in my today´s perception) because I had done nothing bad. I am not addicted, I don´t abuse, I made up myself, I had a job (and I had to quit due to the PTSD).
    I was just severely abused myself, being as well too naive and not informed on abusers.
    I love to read David Bedrick on shame. He speaks about the “Dr. Phil´s psychology”.

    I am sorry for this experience with the therapist who you worked for.
    That was very brave that you stood up for yourself. Wow.
    After many years, it must be tough to do so. It should be the therapist to help the client…not the opposite.
    There was also a nice serious on spirituality in psychotherapy on Sounds True. Maybe they will give another summit. They often bring up the subject on connection between spirituality and psychotherapy. They said that some “gurus” need therapy. When a “guru” is a therapist and an abusive one, he might be pretty good at covert mind control. Tough to get out. Esp. when he has lots of funs, admirers and everybody loves him.

  • eab

    May 21st, 2018 at 3:03 PM

    Marie, Thank you. It wasn’t hard to break away because he had been so unbelievably cruel that i instantly saw the hatred and how sick he is. he finally really showed me what he is really all about. he thinks he is the king and he loves money. he does not value women as much as he tells us he does. once you see someone so clearly, the choice to stand up for yourself become crystal clear. he did me a favor in the end. no one will ever treat me like he did ever again because i won’t give permission anymore.. “hatred with his packages comes, you forbid delivery” -Leonard Cohen

  • Burt

    May 11th, 2018 at 8:32 AM

    These are some really great things to look out for when getting a therapist in my opinion, like the counselor talking too much. When I come into a counselor I don’t want a lecture. I want to speak to someone about my issues and meaningful counseling. Hopefully, I can find a counselor that can help me with this.

  • Mark

    May 11th, 2018 at 9:54 AM

    What a shame you went through this. I went through some “stuff” too. In my humble opinion…we’re the clients and the therapist needs to do what we need done to help us. I find it so incompetent in how this therapist conducted his or her therapy. Find another!!

  • Marvin

    May 14th, 2018 at 8:04 AM

    I think Marie above is right . It’s about money and power. Have to keep that in your visual field. There are so many bad actors in this field that they should have to prove their integrity. Somewhere in the above list is a woman who was so outraged over her treatment over many years by many therapists that she said that every therapist on re-licensing should have to undergo a mental health exam by a qualified person. Sure!!! I’ll bet none of them would do this !! Many would be out of a job. One woman above said “Isn’t is strange that my therapist never took a history. Aren’t they supposed to? A doctor Peterson responded that there is no evidence that taking a history has any effect on therapy. Yeh , right, except that the therapist might learn something about the client so they could create a plan based on reality. None of mine took a history. So I wrote back calling him a *******, which he is. My family was seeing a big name family therapist for our son. He turned the therapy to focus on my wife and me, and told my own therapist that I should be drugged up for the sake of my children. Of course he never discussed meds with me. Always covert, hiding stuff from patients. My own therapist was outraged and said he was totally wrong with this. There was no issue of abuse in my family. I never had a diagnosis from any therapist, no plan, no review of a plan at periodic intervals. Many of these therapists try to dumb down the therapy as quickly as possible so they can just sit back, relax, and not think about what is happening. If you don’t know the history, you can only make wild speculations about what is going on. I got a lot of what are you feeling, how are you feeling, let’s close our eyes and feel. Total **

  • Marie

    May 15th, 2018 at 1:05 AM

    Marvin, what a shame the therapist used such sarcastic comments.
    It looks as the covert mind control and gaslight.
    My guess: In order to doubt your reality and move you into believing about you something not so good….which would ultimately let you stay in his family therapy for a long time. The therapist might do it unintentionally, he learned that children in therapy=abuse in family and he goes with it no matter what. There could be the countertransference as well for the therapist ( this explains his sarcasm).
    I don´t know, I was not in therapy as child and I was bullied at school a lot (sure from the family), but also it was a bad school. I changed it and all has changed for me. I was probably the high gifted child. I had needed to be in special schools, otherwise there was trouble for me. As well, I had lots of medical harm having been done to my body as baby and child, this is my major shock-PTSD trauma, it was hidden. It might not always be the family. Society plays a big role.

    The first abusive therapist of mine took almost no history. He told me that I will be fine in 6 month -12 sessions ! (in his therapy, he saw himself as very good therapist, I had no idea about therapy that time and took what was available). He wronged me and belittled me, horrible sarcasm wherever he could and an opening for (maybe when I did not progress after his desires). I kept saying about my bad medical history. He did not care.
    He run me into severe PTSD. It was just too much for me. It can have fatal consequences not to take the history for some patients. Not to take the history can be a good start for covert mind abuse in therapy: they don´t know, thus they can say and assume, project onto the client whatever they want. Instead of asking “what happened to you” they tell: what is wrong with you ? or…This is wrong with you. I see it immediately.
    I agree. There could be some mental health check….and the ethical, morality check.

  • Marie

    May 15th, 2018 at 6:57 AM

    To Marvin: I was thinking about what the first therapist (abusive) told me: with no reference to my situation, he tried to talk me into that ” I am afraid that I will be a bad mother”. …I was not afraid. I was not thinking about having children at that point of my life. I wanted to find a husband first.
    I wanted to talk about my family, my abusive romantic relationship.
    I was not in position when having children was close to me. I did not react to it. Then, he tried also to hack my dreams when sarcastically remarking after I spoke about one dream when mother was dying and baby survived that I am jealous of every woman who has children (like a jealous b****).
    There was nothing like that ever in my dreams or in my life. I am so glad that he did not harm me particularly by those statements. However, these worlds would have created another belief of myself, added to those who I have been listening in my previous life.
    I study the astrology of India, the vedic. I learn to know myself (very helpful to get away from covert mind manipulation) since a long time. I know that I would be a good mother. It is my destiny.
    Only I might never get there. I also know that I am capable to focus on other life purpose than having children when I will not allowed to have children.
    Nevertheless, the statements of the covert controlling therapist reappeared and I sometimes started to doubt my own thoughts and feelings, talking myself into that ” I would anyway not be a good mother, I am too afraid ..like a narc, I am maybe even jealous (and none of those is true): it is good that I have no children, no husband and PTSD. I would be a bad parent, anyway. A destiny of mine because of my childhood abuse.
    The implanted doubt of oneself (in the terrain of some insecurity from the past) are hard. When one has nobody to correct these implanted judgements.
    To doubt oneself and move far away from the true self, the core essence of mine could have been the result.
    These remarks are very cruel.

  • Marvin

    May 15th, 2018 at 10:14 AM

    Since you’re interested in Vedic stuff, you might explore Buddhism. I have been practicing for 35 years and have found a non judgmental comprehensive framework that allows me to put my life into perspective. Basically, the idea is that everything in our life comes from our karma, which relates to the effects of the causes we have in all lifetimes. So Buddhism becomes about raising our life condition so we see things from a higher perspective and can take the right action to transform our karma from negative to positive karma. Putting aside for a moment the idea of prior lifetimes, psychology should be about raising our perspective so we can see what is goin on in our lives. Instead it becomes a power and money game with the therapist putting a lot of guilt and manipulation on the client. None of the therapists I saw helped me at all to see what was going on in my life or raise my perspective. Instead they basically sat back listened to me and occasionally threw out a few tidbits. enough to keep me interested and staying but not enough to solve anything. Even for therapists who do say they help people, where are those clients months or years after they leave. I doubt they do any followup so any contention that they help people is really bogus. Eastern philosophy has a lot that psychology should look at. I saw an interesting idea on karma. OUr karma can come out at any time, so judging or karma or feeling embarrassed at it is a waste of time. I found that very relieving and let me let go of a lot of guilt. The key is to move on and focus and changing your karma and making good causes

  • Mark

    May 15th, 2018 at 8:53 PM

    Marvin…great advice. I’m going to look more closely at some of what you stated here. And isn’t it sad that so many people here in this forum aren’t being treated properly by their therapists?

  • Vivian

    May 15th, 2018 at 10:14 AM

    In recent months I have noticed my daughter struggling with anxiety over many everyday activities, school especially. In looking to visit a child psychiatrist, I appreciate this article in that it highlights the importance of a counselor talking in terms understood by those they work with, a sign of a questionable therapist being one who speaks in complex “psychobabble” that leaves you confused. Thank you for your insight into choosing a therapist that works for you!

  • Chelsea

    May 15th, 2018 at 2:58 PM

    Another practice of therapists that might qualify as a “red flag” is putting a client on the spot and “shaming” them for what they believe to be evidence of pathology. For example, I was chastised for “intellectualizing” the abuse that had suffered, instead of emoting, which is what my therapist preferred. Sometimes we DO intellectualize; after all, part of the process is academic. Also, I am a strong intellectual by nature. But my therapist was linear in her thinking – it was like an I “gotcha”. I was supposedly avoiding expressing emotions. Hate, hate, hate that. She seemed to enjoy the “discovery”/ambush, I could sense her pride. Another time she point blank asked, “Do you know you do that?” Huh? Perhaps she should have taken out her ruler and banished me to the corner of the room. The submissiveness of therapy.

  • Cory

    May 15th, 2018 at 4:36 PM

    Wow… Most of the complaints on here are legit; there are some pretty bad therapists out there. But if therapists were to adjust their style to accommodate for all the things people don’t like in therapy, therapy would be rendered absolutely useless.
    News flash – Most therapy is supposed* to be uncomfortable at times. The reason we as humans have problems is because we prefer what is easy instead of what will lead to long-term health. I am intellectual by nature, too, and hated my therapist telling me I needed to be emotional, too… But through that process I eventually realized how much I really was setting aside and not feeling, and I became so much more whole and healthy after I did explore those feelings I liked to think I didn’t have and, a few times, cry like a baby.

    Therapy will not have much lasting change unless it’s uncomfortable.

    Of course, it is still important that you feel connected with and understood by your therapist, so if you don’t like the WAY she tries to connect you with deeper emotions, maybe it is a good idea to find someone else after all.

  • Marie

    May 21st, 2018 at 2:40 AM

    I am sorry for this experience, Chelsea.
    Good to point it out. I know that I have been there: once I even started to be aware of it and protested ..without any success.
    The healing happens in the emotions, the body….thus: it might be essential.

  • Chelsea

    May 18th, 2018 at 9:10 AM

    Cory, your reply illustrates a common problem with online communication. You read what you thought I said, not what was actually said, then proceeded to correct me by inserting the “news flash” dig.
    There’s a difference between being uncomfortable in therapy as a result of difficult topics/emotions, and being uncomfortable because the practitioner is arrogant, abusive, and the like. I was drawing attention to my old therapist’s negative character traits, not the therapy process itself.
    News flash: this is a site where questionable therapeutic practices are discussed, not rationalized. Perhaps you would do well to acknowledge the intelligence contained within many of the observations here, or else make a pitch as a spokesperson for the American Psychological Association

  • Mark

    May 18th, 2018 at 10:09 AM

    GREAT point, Chelsea…and Cory…News Flash: A good therapist adjusts his or her method depending on the needs of the patient. That’s what good therapists. Just like a good educator addresses the varying modalities of the students in the class. I’ve been a professional educator for 46 years. I don’t lower my standards, but I do need to modify my methods at times.

  • Marie

    May 21st, 2018 at 2:34 AM

    I like the idea about adjusting to the needs of the patient !
    I am in my probably final phase to detach myself from the current therapist. It was all good, until the covert mind control started (making sure to twist my PTSD into “playing a victim card” ..in a covert way, I had not noticed for a long period). It followed with the slight pushing me somewhere -where it would be good for the therapist to have me, disregarding my emotions and wound (trauma). Critical comments until sarcastic, cruel remarks (about the death of a family member of mine: it would be good he would be death, I´d finally engage differently in the society, no way I have severe PTSD and a non-treated physical sickness connected on the top and need to rest a lot: the therapist knows it all). I addressed it all through e-mail. The therapist denies everything: no cruel comments, no sarcasm. It is never her intention (maybe, but she does it). She only goes with my…work. It is my shadow. It is hard for me. She makes a complete fool out of me. She denies every responsibility. She asked me whether she sent me a homework..even though I pointed out in the previous e-mail that I had noticed a pattern that changed past months: no homework anymore and these shaming comments on me (she used to give me homework, but stopped some 6 months ago). It is ridiculous to ask after 6 months if she sent me a homework for the last session ?
    I asked her if she is mad at me (for these cruel comments that evolve). She said: it is not her intention to be cruel to me nor is she mad.
    I wrote to her that I will be scared to meet her because she might lash out at me again.
    She did not comment on that at all.
    All denied.
    What have I experienced ?
    Pretty good to let doubt my reality.
    She made an idiot out of me who does not know what I am talking about, what happened (gaslight), it must be my shadow….that is why she gives the homework to “calm me down”.
    Incredible. I hoped that she will say “I am sorry for these comments”.
    The first 2 years with her were very helpful. I don´t understand what has changed and why.
    In this situation, shall I write her that I think it is the countertransference going on (and the gaslight on the top when I point to it) in order she can stop it or just let it go ? Any advice appreciated.

  • sharron

    May 21st, 2018 at 11:35 AM

    this might be off but i was living with a transgender guy and when he was married he was beat so bad when he dressed. I never thought anything of him dressing if that’s what he wanted to do but when he did he would go into a panic attack. Well he has been going to this counselor ad she basically told him he needed to move out, and be on his own. the question i have is does a counselor allowed ethically to do this?

  • Cory

    May 22nd, 2018 at 11:55 AM

    I appreciate this discussion. Chelsea, I’m sorry for my misunderstanding. I was surprised by the jump from your therapist’s question of “Do you know you do that?” to your reaction of “Perhaps she should have taken out her ruler and banished me to the corner of the room.” That is why I reacted in the way I did. It seemed like a simple question that could lead to insight. It is important for therapists to ask questions like this, and doesn’t mean the therapist is trying to make someone feel bad. But I understand that there may have been more involved that what could be communicated here; no one knows better than you what it feels like to be with your therapist. If it seems her way of encouraging you to feel feels more vindictive than constructive, and she does not respond well to that feedback, then it would certainly not be a bad idea to consider a different therapist.

    This is not directed toward anyone in specific, but the general discussion: I definitely agree that the therapist should adapt their techniques and pacing to match the client. This is especially true for those of us with trauma. That said, the need to connect someone with their emotions, to the point where they can actually sit with them for a period of time before moving on intellectually (like I tend to do), is an important part of therapy. It may seem frustrating for some (and if so, we need to say it), but it’s worth giving some time. A therapist should not always feel like a friend, but should always feel safe. If s/he doesn’t feel safe, then by all means seek out someone else.

  • Marvin

    May 22nd, 2018 at 1:30 PM

    I have been reading these for a while, and I am horrified at the incredible unprofessionalism of these therapists. I’m sure they all have their masters or doctorates. Why aren’t’ they using what they learned. Do you notice there rarely is a therapist giving their prespective here. The real question is what happens when the door is closed and no one is looking. The above comments are a good sample. Pretty awful. The bottom line for me would does the therapist take a thorough history at the start so they know what is going on. Based on that, do they give a diagnosis, and then create a plan based on that. Is the plan evaluated periodically and modified. Does the therapist take notes and then review them or do they keep it all in their head ? Does the therapist have a supervisor to review their process. If they don’t meet the above criteria they’re frauds. All else is rationalization. I never had a therapist who did the above. Only one asked me about my family, and then didn’t do anything about it. One therapist complained that the insur co asked about proof that his therapy worked. Like duh!!! When I asked what was wrong with that, he said can’t do it. OK so why be in therapy where there is no proof it works. IN one therapy when I told the therapist this wasn’t working, his response was “Well, people say they feel better”. I guess I wasn’t a person. Don’t take the crap they put out. There probably are good therapists out there, but they are difficult to find. If they make you co dependent on them, it’s hard to get out. Basically there are many therapists who are venal , power hungry , screwed up people who taking advantage of vulnerable suffering people. That’s the bottom line. so buyer beware

  • Chelsea

    July 9th, 2018 at 11:31 AM

    I agree, Marvin. I have seen quite a few mental health practitioners, and very few of them were competent, compassionate and insightful. I am still struggling a bit with resentment. It’s awful to seek help, only to be further wounded by the so-called caring profession.

  • ss

    July 31st, 2018 at 4:16 PM

    yes to all of this. you could not have said it better…a few years ago i would recommend therapy to everyone. it’s nice to be heard and to feel safe that all you need to express will remain confidential…well don’t bet on it. there are certain things therapists have to report. be informed before you go.
    My therapist made a very big mistake and he lost about $15k a year. I paid some but was mostly covered by insurance.
    I had been seeing him for many years and i seemed to be getting worse. I cried all the time, i had to quit my job, i began shopping and picking at myself. I was HOPELESSLY attached to him. He told me that it was normal and that it gets worse before it gets better. At the same time I thought I was a cash cow because my insurance is really good. He never talked about ending therapy or how i would know it was no longer necessary..he just booked me every week. So here I am suspecting he is keeping me needing him while i knew i was attached to him. he encourages attachment (holding..on his lap!) but at the same time he is repulsed by patients who are attached to him. he calls them “needy sucks”. all i can gather is he wanted the easy income but not the consequences of his efforts to keep patients coming back for more. Anyway, fortunately for me, he made a big mistake at a point where I was able to be angry rather than stay compliant and blame myself for how he behaved. He had apparently found out that he could get paid double from my insurance company if he shifted over to the 55-90 minute session rather than the 45-55. BTW…he only will meet for 45 minutes..the bottom level of the range. in that time, he takes time to record payment and update his books and books the next appointment etc. (like what a receptionist would do but he works from home and has no staff). he also stops the clock at 35 minutes to do the above plus to make sure patients are stable before they leave. Sometimes, if I were the last patient, he would clean the room, adjust the shades, water his plants while i talked to him. He has it set up that you go into his office and he arrives like a king. he also leaves before his patients rather than walking them out…therapy is very intimate. it sort of always made me feel used ya’ know..?? but, hence, the attachment kept me coming.
    So, back to the reason I left. He told me that he would make double from insurance if he moved my time to 55 to 90 min session. He said he would give me 10 more minutes (the bottom tier of the next level). I explained to him that doing so, doubles my co-insurance so I said no. i would pay double for 10 minutes!! I left. I was sick, litterally sick for months. I could not go outside. I went into a deep depression. the feeling of being used by someone you told EVERYTHING to cannot be described. I gained 50lbs. It’s been 4 years and I am just now coming out again. I planted flowers for the first time in years.
    So, he really was just using our insurance to make a killing. It caught up with him though. he got into trouble for over using insurance and he can no longer accept insurance.

  • Burt

    June 6th, 2018 at 10:00 AM

    I really like how you talked about these different things to look out for that show a red flag when you are trying to find a good therapist. It’s been really hard for me at work lately and I have been so stressed about my workload. It would be really great if I could find a good therapist that is understanding and could help me out and give me some counseling.

  • The GoodTherapy.org Team

    June 6th, 2018 at 10:23 AM

    Hi, Burt. Thank you for your comment. If you would like to consult with a mental health professional, please feel free to return to our homepage, http://www.goodtherapy.org/, and enter your zip code into the search field to find therapists in your area. If you’re looking for a counselor that practices a specific type of therapy, or who deals with specific concerns, you can make an advanced search by clicking here: http://www.goodtherapy.org/advanced-search.html

    Once you enter your information, you’ll be directed to a list of therapists and counselors who meet your criteria. From this list you can click to view our members’ full profiles and contact the therapists themselves for more information. Alternatively, you are welcome to call us for assistance finding a therapist. We are in the office Monday through Friday from 8 a.m. to 4 p.m. Pacific Time; our phone number is 888-563-2112 ext. 1.

    If you are experiencing a life-threatening emergency, in danger of hurting yourself or others, feeling suicidal, overwhelmed, or in crisis, it’s very important that you get immediate help! Information about what to do in a crisis is available here: http://www.goodtherapy.org/in-crisis.html

  • Mark H.

    June 6th, 2018 at 9:10 PM

    These links are VERY helpful. Thank you, so much!!

  • Pree

    June 22nd, 2018 at 12:58 PM

    A therapist told me that she did want to be a “rent-a friend” to me, when I told her I needed to talk to someone. I was hurt, but she basically thought I had enough coping skills and did not need her services.
    She may have been telling the truth, but put so bluntly, it still hurt. She did give me the option of seeing her in case I would like to see her in the future.

  • eab

    June 23rd, 2018 at 8:51 AM

    PREE: that was very unkind of her to talk to you in that way. She likely did you a favor and she might be correct but I would expect a therapist to use your apparent need to have a rent-a-friend as a doorway into something deeper. Right now my therapist is not doing talk therapy or casual conversation. He let me know that he is glad to remain as my therapist but he no longer will talk casually or be available to listen. It was hard for me since being heard/listened to is very helpful to me but now I see that he is right and i realized i don’t need him!

  • K

    June 30th, 2018 at 6:28 PM

    This was a good list. I was in therapy for over two years with a trauma therapist. I feel like I learned some good emotional regulation skills but then it just felt like I was becoming dependent on a sounding board to make my decisions. She did a good job of teaching me some things but I felt like it was up to me to make sure I did not give her too much power.

    I think therapy can be good but also bad therapy can worse than none at all. But I swear you know it your gut the first time you meet them.

    I attempted to meet with a cult specialist therapist who asked me “you don’t want to be on medication because your mom didn’t believe in it?” And the immediately I knew. Oh. We are not a good fit. I am using holistic ways to manage depression and anxiety.

    So I knew I wouldn’t be back to see her ever ever again. But I hope people out there find the resources they need!!! And find good caring professionals out there and not take crap from those who may be unprofessional!

    Great list. Just wanted to add my experience. I think therapy can be good with the right therapist doing the right therapy for the right amount of time. I think I could have left trauma therapy about a year in but I continued on…..

    But now I am done!!!

  • S

    August 13th, 2018 at 7:27 PM

    At K,
    I totally agree. I feel like every therapist I know meets one of these criterias. Honestly, I don’t think there is a single therapist out there who doesn’t or hasn’t done one of these things. I think at the end of the day, they are humans like anyone else. I noticed they get tired and sometimes exhausted by being over sympathetic. You just kind of have to realize for yourself when it’s done. Some of these people’s stories are awful and have every right to leave them. Some of us, though, they’ll be great and really help us, but once that is done, these behaviors start to come out. Therapists don’t solve everything unfortunately. Rather, it’s best to think of them as a stepping stone to going on your own adventure. Think of it as a video game and them being the person you seek before going on your adventure to go fight the monster who captured your love. My best experience has been CBT therapy. I thought it was similar to brainwashing, but a psychologist assuaged that fear by explaining to me what it was. CBT therapy accomplished in a month and less what talk therapy took years to accomplish. Stay away from the therapists that keep you talking about your entire family history and have taking forever to go over one problem -that go about indirectly handling your problems, sounding like that annoying wise advisor that would frustrate the emperor because the advisor was never straightforward with him. I also found that the more education, the better the therapy, especially for trauma. I always stay away from the therapists that promote medication and any therapist that makes it clear that the only people they get are the “easy” issues. All therapists will say they can treat trauma, but not all can. I think it’s because they think they all you have to do is say, aww, that’s awful or here’s what I learned in school. Um, no…anything impacting you deeply is way more complicated than that.

    At Jeremy,

    Don’t blame yourself. It sounds like you’ve been through a lot and for your therapists to not be able to attribute that to your current problems is insensitive and incompetent of them. Your counselor isn’t your family. Your family is allowed to be annoyed that you’re not taking their advice. At the end of the day, they have to realize that that solution isn’t working you. There are so many ways to go about your diabetes, but also, if you’re fine with an insulin pump, then you’re fine. You’re doctor can help you understand your risks if you choose to continue with carbs. You have to ask them, though. Doctors realize that customer service is a part of their job and is how they make profit. They will use an undermining tone sometimes to not remind you of being lectured by your parents and have you hate them for it. So you do have to ask them directly and if they keep going, err, uh, then ditch and go find a new doc. I’ve had a similar history to you. I think what we end up doing is when we blame ourselves for the way we feel, we subconsciously seek out people who will confirm this for us even though we know it’s wrong. Then because we know it’s wrong, we leave. So it may seem like you have a problem with the world, when really it’s just that all kinds of people exist and if your brain is going out looking for people to relive it, whether you know it or not, it’ll feel like the world is filled with these people and you’re the only person having difficult adjusting to the world. Not true. I started to understand this when my therapist talked to me about repetitive patterns. I’m one who likes using psychological terms. At the end of the day, what helped me finally get the help I need and from the right therapist is that I finally realized what I needed to talk about and the questions I wanted to ask. It was pure luck, though. I never would be where I am today if it wasn’t for some conversation I had about an unrelated topic that really irked me and had me remembering emotions I thought I got over. It was pure luck and I hope one day, you’ll get there. There really is hope. It just takes a lot of research and all kinds of research. Keep looking and when you keep getting the same ineffective results, look elsewhere. Even ones you’ve already tried. The more you grow, the better you get at rephrasing your questions and the easier time you’ll have at finding the answers you need and it won’t be one answer, but many answers you’ll need.

  • Austin

    July 10th, 2018 at 1:08 AM

    Thank you for sharing this!

  • Heidi

    July 24th, 2018 at 12:50 PM

    I have a sister who’s been in and out of counseling all her life for various reasons. She’s had a lot of experience with different types of counselors, both good and bad. It’s very interesting that a red flag would be a therapist not asking permission before using different techniques with you.

  • Marie

    August 15th, 2018 at 4:16 PM

    I agree. No informed consent, not asking the permission to apply certain therapy technics..not even telling the client that the therapist is applying this and that technics (e.g. with trauma-clients it can be very harmful). It happened to me several times (psychosurgery and some brainwashing was applied on me, as well provocation =yelling at the client purposely and observe how he behaves under stress, as well motivation through cruelty -condescending, belittling, saying all bad things about me -how jealous I must be, how suicidal I must be, what a failure I am etc).
    No informed consent in physical medicine would be a problem for the doctor !

  • Anonymous

    July 29th, 2018 at 8:07 AM

    I had two problems with a former social worker-one was that she left in the middle of the session taking place at my home when I wasn’t saying anything during it, stating “If you don’t have anything to say, I might as well leave” and then proceeded to walk out the door! The other problem was when she cancelled three weeks in a row (no explanation given) then kept the following visits two weeks in a row, and then cancelled again for three weeks, only explaining why when she kept the actual visit after those three unkept appointments! I ended up terminating the appointments after that yet she said that I had also cancelled appointments (I had, in fact, only canceled one appointment and that was done a week in advance and other appointments cancelled had been way back when I had been seeing her in her office)!

  • Mark H.

    July 29th, 2018 at 9:55 PM

    Five months ago my therapist told me that because I turned 65 my Medicare kicked in, but since she didn’t take Medicare patients she’d have to file with Medicare so she could get paid. I’ve followed up a few times with her. The first time was after three months. That’s how long she told me it would take for her to get her approval…or what ever it is she needed to get from them. Last week I followed up again and asked her to please forward what ever paper work she submitted so I could follow up, since she told me we just had to wait….No! There MUST be a way to follow up on the status of what ever she put in for. No? I need some suggestions as to what to do next. I really don’t want to start all over again with another therapist. I’d have to start from square one, which would be more stressful than I really want to deal with. HELP!!! Thanks for any suggestions any of you could offer.

  • Marie

    August 15th, 2018 at 4:30 PM

    Hi Mark,
    I am sorry for this situation.
    My suggestion would be to ask on Medicare how the rules are,
    or ask another therapist how does he or she handles similar situations.
    The therapist you have seem not to give much effort in the paper work (to keep you as a client).

  • Mark

    October 25th, 2018 at 2:17 PM

    Thanks, Marie…check this out. I followed AGAIN with my therapist. Now she tells me that she doesn’t accept Medicare patients. Well, why the heck didn’t she tell me that in the first place, instead of telling me that she was waiting for a reply from them? Seriously? I really don’t think many of these “professionals” really give a hoot about their patients. It’s all about the $$$. I’m really ticked off. I didn’t want to start up with someone else after going to her for 2 years. Now I’d have to start all over again. Very unprofessional on her part. Any thoughts from anyone else?

  • Marie

    December 5th, 2018 at 3:58 AM

    Hi Mark,
    this therapist sounds truly unprofessional…
    this seems like bonding you to her and then abandoning you.
    (some kind of discard). This is very painful when one is on the go to learn a secure attachment.
    It happened to me too…but in a different way (when I was going to be far worse under the “care” of the therapist, because I had experienced trauma and those symptoms and the therapist laughed at me, ridiculed me…this was his “care”), he once hanged down the phone and generally was even more rude and emotionally abuse than usually when I had to excuse myself from a session because of a sickness.
    I can tell you: it was tough for me….
    but today it is so much better.
    Maybe this therapist wanted to get rid of you (which is actually unprofessional as well)…and did not know how to do it, how to put boundaires, so she did it this way.
    No excuse for her. It is awful behavior.
    I am personally trying to be ok with the fact that I will find no help for some time (which is awful and scary enough)…as I became pretty hopeless that I will find ever some healer to help me heal. I am actually not capable anymore to check them out….
    There are some videos on youtube how to find a therapist …so I will be watching them when I am ready to do so.
    I am also learning on attachment styles….on the secure attachment style in a facebook group (some videos are interesting) to step into another level to see whether the therapist is securely attached or not.
    It is totaly weird: instead of being able to address my original harm, I have to learn how to check out my potential helpers: whether they are enough emotionally and mentally competent to help me to heal.
    My short term goal was to find a therapist who will tell me: I am sorry, I cannot help you. I don´t do that kind of trauma work.
    A therapist who can access themselves and as well my type of harm and honestly say that they cannot do anything with me because my type of harm comes as well from therapy-abuse)…and I would have the experience with somebody with good boundaries.
    From there I could move to some helpers that are more of a fit.
    So far, not reached that goal. I had to tell them myself.
    As well I was told by one person ( dream work) that “it is too much for him what I coming with” (it was a a dream about how I had been harmed when I came to ask for help…and it actually can refer as well to my life before therapy, thus it could help in a whole picture) and “he needs to take a breath to make it”, and he had a therapist himself….
    Basically he said to me what I wanted to hear, only he did not said it in a nice way, but in front of a group and made an idiot out of me, a hopeless person, he shamed me badly and cause the trauma go up.
    Since this last experience, I am taking a break from finding somebody to help.
    At least until the next year. :-)
    I want to organize my thoughts on how to proceed with this. How to check out who is secure, who is not.
    (but on the level of emotional and body experience, it is not that easy: I am basically suffering severe body freeze experience and some mind dissociation and fear….from new potential harm in therapy). However, one can actually feel these emotions and stand it out….

  • Marvin

    August 1st, 2018 at 10:45 AM

    Reply to SS and Chelsea. The greed and power games the therapists play are incredible. Sometimes it’s subtle and behind the scenes but still goes on. I saw a Reichian therapist years ago who cut the session to 35 minutes. When I complained, he said “well, some clients are upset.” That was it!! My comment is that I never met a therapist with any integrity. By that I mean they aren’t concerned with the outcome of the therapy, just the income. Probably therapists on this site are better, and if not you can complain to the website. look at this site. very biting criticism of therapy. I hope you notice that very few therapists leave comments here. The only one I saw, said “we’re just human with frailities” Don’t give me that crap at 150-200 per hour I practice Buddhism, and a key idea is the 3 poisons of greed, anger, and stupidity. These poisons infest all of life, and therapists are no different.

  • Marie

    December 5th, 2018 at 3:38 AM

    Agreed !

    Therapist say “we’re just human” …and I am paying for these cheap craps they say to me and for their lives styles while they are even not capable to tell me that they have not the capacity or education to help me (basically they cannot even self-reflect themselves, maybe they live in denial of their own capacities and of what the type of help the client needs).
    It totally looks like greed and ignorance (stupidity).
    I am reading the book “Gaslight in psychotherapy” by Theodore L. Dorpat. He focuses as well on the ignorance (stupidity, unintentional harm)…Basically those therapist don´t know what they are doing because they are themselves “not yet fully healed”, but they want to play a psychotherapist anyway.
    This creates an opening for ignorance and stupidity about their own capacity of being a therapist, esp. for the clients that had truly been hurt, and instead of helping them, they mostly apply either dissmisive strategy to the hurt of the client (as they must deny their own emotional and procedural hurt) or even more, they reach out to covert manipulation tactics in order to tame the client.
    All is being done without the intention to harm.
    They want only do their job (and be paid for it).
    The low level of education is a consequence of the denial of therapist : they don´t educate themselves, they don´t search how to serve better, they are scared that they would find that they failed, thus they must deny the fact that they are hurting some clients.
    Also they lose control over the hurt they are doing…which probably shows the way that they hurt more and more the same client or different new clients.
    I see it as a state of addiction when the therapist does not see that he or she has a problem.
    He or she just wants to help (and be paid for it).

    ..

  • Marvin

    August 2nd, 2018 at 7:25 AM

    I’m only saying to go into the process with a skeptical eye and ask the right questions. One woman above said every therapist on re-licensing should be required to undergo a mental health exam to see they are still fit to do therapy. I wonder how many would subject themselves to this.

  • birddog

    September 20th, 2018 at 6:17 PM

    May I suggest a simple test: Do you feel reluctant to see the “therapist” before going?
    In 1979-1982 I had forced psychotherapy courtesy of Queens Medical Center. (NYC Health & Hospitals Corporation) I needed medication and was required to see “therapists” as a condition for getting the medication. The “therapists” changes when transferred. Subsequently I moved to New Jersey and again was required to see a “therapist” as a condition for getting medication I again needed. This was at South Amboy Memorial Hospital in the Perth-Amboy area. That hospital closed in the 1980s with officers and board members accused of “avarice.” Lots of scammers out there!

  • The First-Timer's Guide to Finding a Therapist — Self-Care Season

    October 2nd, 2018 at 4:41 PM

    another large directory that also explores types of therapy on their blog. This article about warning signs of bad therapy

  • Marvin G.

    October 6th, 2018 at 5:24 PM

    I mentioned this before, but I think you need to put the comments in order of most recent first. I think no one is adding comments since it’s tedious to go to the bottome

  • Betta

    October 25th, 2018 at 12:01 AM

    I’ve been to a number of therapists over the years, and I’ve found that they tend to fall into a few categories. 1. Inexperienced/ineffective
    or lacking curiosity. These types will keep the “therapy” going for years but add very little real insight or avenues for growth. They often
    act hurt when you decide to move on. 2. Arrogant, lacking empathy and domineering. These types will essentially play god. They may have
    some good techniques and knowledge, but their cold utilitarianism and sometimes abusiveness often nullifies any gains. They are often
    hostile at any request or criticism, and are apt to attack you personally when you wish to move on. 3. The personality disordered therapist.
    There seem to be quite a few of these. Very scary. An example: being physically threatened and shouted at for asking therapist to clarify
    a breathing exercise. Bizarre! Another gave many inappropriate details about her personal life. Run away, but just in case they’re real crazy
    just say you’ve got scheduling conflicts. The PD therapists tend to try and enmesh and infantilize their clients for easier control (and I dare
    say for guaranteed income). Beware of your body trying to sound the alarm during sessions.
    Finally, the good empathetic qualified therapist. They’re out there, but sadly in my own experience, few and far between. Often with a
    waiting list. My advice, get on that list and try and find someone who, while maybe not the most experienced, is at least empathetic.
    Otherwise, without empathy, with the lopsided nature of power inherent in the therapeutic relationship, you can open yourself up to a world
    of hurt, as you leave your therapists office financially poorer as well as emotionally battered. Always, always trust your gut.

  • Marie

    December 5th, 2018 at 3:15 AM

    Betta, great summary !
    Thank you very much.
    Such a cognitive help to try to understand my trauma in psychotherapy that I had gone through with the three categories (the 3. The personality disordered therapist was the worst). I will re-read many times.
    I search to be validated….my experience of harm in psychotherapy were sadly true.
    It is hard to find a normal therapist (esp. when one has been hurt previously, in family etc…and one is obviously not famous, super-rich etc).
    I have not found yet the forth category, but recently I just made it to write an e-mail to a lady who does dream work and I loved loved the way she talked….(as I am badly traumatised in therapy and I am scared to ask any therapist again to help me), I hope it would be less probable to be harmed in the alternative world).
    She has a waiting list ! So true !
    Wow. I guess that I had “upleveled” to the 4th category !
    Very sad experience x very good to know: it is better to live with the hurt than being hurt on the top by some “therapists”.

  • Stacy

    November 1st, 2018 at 10:52 AM

    My boyfriend and his sister haven’t had a good relationship for the past year or so, and it’s been known to all of us that she attends therapy frequently, and has a pretty close friendship with her therapist. After each family member leaves a session with her, they all find that the therapist is very unethical as she tends to “egg his sister on” by encouraging her to not search for a solution as to why they’re not getting along….instead, she blames everyone except his sister, even blaming him when he went in with her (disclaimer: no one knows why she all of a sudden hates him, I would be first to let him know he did something wrong, but no one can figure out what it is…?) Anyways, we just went to a party where she was present, and she spent the entire night interrupting our conversations with anyone we would talk to, basically butting in. One family member called her out for being disrespectful, so she ran off and called her therapist (at 10pm on a Saturday night, mind you…). A couple of days later, his mom attended a session with her and turns out her THERAPIST told her to do that! Her exact words were “did you do what I suggested? Be passive aggressive to them all night and interrupt any conversations they were having?”…is this grounds for revoking her license? That seems extremely juvenile and almost a bit manipulative to take advantage of her like that.

  • cba

    November 4th, 2018 at 2:10 PM

    something is definately wrong there. my therapist suggested on several occaisions that i should stay away from my family and let them go for good. he also, twice, suggested i withhold sex from my husband when he does things i don’t like..looking back at that, it seems really creepy. your boyfriend’s sister is likely hopelessly attached to her therapist. she’s in danger if this is the case. eventually her therapist is going to hurt her. that’s when the eyes open and the spell is broken…it’s dangerous because there’s a chance of self harm.
    there was a time when i was so attached to my male therapist (the guy i talked about above) that i didn’t believe i could live without him and i would call him about everything too..anywhere, anytime. one day he asked me to work for him (a HUGE no no). of course I wanted to do anything to please him. i landscaped his property. it was a huge job. i transformed his landscape and it is beautiful. my husband was doing some work for him as well. when the job ended, he refused to pay me! when i confronted him, his response was, “how would you like it if someone did that to your yard?”. i was devastated. first, i had no idea what he was talking about…the yard was done beautifully. second, i would LOVE to have someone “that” to my yard. What a mess.to make it worse, he asked to meet with my husband privately. my husband is not his client. he told my husband that he loves the work he does and that he wanted to hire him. but, he told him that i could not be on his property unless i was there for a session and then i could only use the parking lot and the walkway to his office. I was crushed. i went into a very very deep depression. i gained 80 lbs, dropped out of life, quit my job, stopped taking art classes. didn’t leave my house for years. of course i stopped seeing him. so, I think she’s in dangerous territory and she will have to learn for herself unfortunately. she isn’t going to leave her as long as she is getting what she believes she needs. my advice is watch over her from the wings, confront her bad behavior towards you and be ready to support her when things end.

  • USAF Vet

    December 29th, 2018 at 10:51 AM

    I have seen seven therapists through the VA and all of them display twelve red flags I have seen on here. The VA sucks.

  • Anonymous

    December 30th, 2018 at 6:58 AM

    Just wanted to see what others thought about this situation regarding a therapist: There is a social worker who is the owner of the building, and still practicing even after having scammed the welfare system (submitting doctored paychecks to food stamps from a place she hasn’t worked for years, applying for and getting welfare/food stamp payments, etc) she went to court yet was released on her on recognizance and due back in court months later! Here’s my question, shouldn’t her license have been suspended, how can she still be allowed to practice social work if she has received welfare and food stamp money that wasn’t owed to her, doesn’t this go against any ethic of social work code? I can would like to think that she somehow was made to pay back the money by having her pay garnished or going directly to the state to pay back all the money!

  • Brittanie

    January 3rd, 2019 at 3:30 PM

    I am a new therapist and I am horrified at some of the stories being shared on here. I always wonder if I’m “doing it right.” I wanted to comment on one of the “red flags,” which was along the lines of “Therapist does not remember what happens from one session to the next.” I work in a very large community mental health agency and carry a case load of 63, some of which are families. We are made to do 8 hours of sessions a day, back to back, with basically no breathing room in between clients. It’s exhausting. I care for my clients SO MUCH, but I am TIRED. Sometimes, I cannot remember what we talked about two weeks ago when I saw 79 other people between you and I. That’s why I take a few notes in session (most people are okay with that). Most of these are wonderful for people to be aware of, but some of them are context-dependent. We cannot be perfect. This job is incredibly difficult and takes a real toll on the clinicians. If someone is in private practice, that’s a different story. Either way, I’ve been “on the other side of the office” many times in my life, so I know what it’s like to be the client and I totally agree with the large majority of this list. Thank you for writing it!

  • Marvin G.

    January 3rd, 2019 at 5:35 PM

    I think that the situation with community mh workers is different than private practice. I think they are overworked and cannot do the best job with limited time. My experience is mainly with private practitioners. The situation there is awful.. These are people charging 150-200 or more an hour. I never had one who was truly interested in my problems and mainly focused on keeping me in therapy to make money. Others just enjoy the power they have over vulnerable people. The problem here is there is no supervision and they can do what they want. One person on this list was so outraged at her treatment and the mentally ill therapists she met that she said that every therapist on renewing their license should have to undergo an mental health evaluation. I doubt that proposal would pass . A lot wouldn’t pass muster. I hope you try to do the best for your clients. I never felt that any of these people were interested in the outcome of the therapy , mainly in the income . I know it sounds sarcastic, but I think I’m right.

  • Marie

    January 6th, 2019 at 2:51 AM

    Brittanie,
    thank you for your sharing as a therapist. It is pretty brave. There not many therapists sharing here.
    I am not familiar with the community mh workers, but I believe that you do care for your clients.
    It is normal that one forgets some information sometimes. I would not perceive it as harming.
    I had perceived being harming when it repeated all over and over again, when there was no real interest being shown up or even it was told this to me on purpose (to motivate me through cruelty …or why, not sure, maybe just general hostility towards me or mentally sick therapist who needed some toilet to throw his frustration at): this therapist did remember very well what I was saying (even more than I did). Letting the client paying for these services (abandonment or coercion) is cruel.
    There are some black sheep in the therapy job.
    Wishing you experiencing the job where you can have more time for your clients and general better conditions.

  • J

    January 24th, 2019 at 2:48 PM

    My first counselor (found through this site) was not very helpful towards the end of our sessions. I was seriously depressed and anxious and she told me I made bad choices in men and then went on to recommend that I sign up for online dating. I was in shock from a past covert narcissist relationship and had to end things with the counselor because he was now dating her daughter.

  • Sue

    February 12th, 2019 at 12:36 PM

    There are a few on-line resources for those harmed by therapy. These include TELL (Therapy Exploitation Link Line), “Surviving Therapist Abuse” and “Unsafe Spaces.” Other discussions include Tana Dineen’s essays (her entire book Manufacturing Victims now is offered free online) and my “Bad Therapy? A Disgruntled Ex-Psychotherapy Client Speaks Her Piece,” a blog inspired by this discussion that recently added a Links and Resources page. Another WordPress blog is “Try Therapy Free.”

  • Didi

    February 22nd, 2019 at 2:58 AM

    My therapist was not so bad per se. But he has been showing “questionable signs of bad therapy” as of late. At least it seems like so it to me. In the first session, he was alright and I felt pretty relaxed. In the second and third ones, I started to feel pressure and oppression. The guy wanted me to write notes and do “homework” when it came to my anxiety episodes. This felt like a breach of my comfortableness and I didn’t feel writing stuff was appropriate, because such things may also trigger my anxiety. And I thought therapists are not supposed to pressure you. But okay, I swallowed that. In the third session, he started to call me lazy, even after doing my ‘homework’. It may have been banter, as he used a ‘term of endearment’ to address at times. But I really couldn’t see it that way honestly. I felt he was being condescending and patronising but in a subtle manner. He then told me, regardless of anything, he will know if I did my research on some keywords he offered me to look upon. I felt like he wasn’t trusting me. But this started to go rather bad. In the fourth session, or my last one, he had the penchant of telling “if I believe you”, “okay, I will try believing you”. The man didn’t trust me or believe the things I said, even when I told him the truth about my life. Worst of all, and the icing of the cake here, he called me “stupid” three times because I said I prefer to be in a car accident than to face my fear/phobia. What kind of a therapist does that? Or is that normal? I was pretty offended, but I laughed it off. I didn’t want to appear weak in front of him. The subject then turned to driving – I don’t drive – And he’s like to me “you gotta drive and win against your anxiety”. But he knows very well that I didn’t see him because I have driving phobia. I just don’t have interest in driving. There is no anxiety here, but he’s like “no, it’s your anxiety, just believe me”. But I insisted that it isn’t, and he just scoffed.

  • eab

    February 22nd, 2019 at 8:33 AM

    if you are able to leave him, please do so. he is clearly mistreating you and you are paying him for help. he’s playing a dangerous game with your mental well being.

  • Didi

    February 22nd, 2019 at 5:50 PM

    I will cancel my next appointment with him. I will find another one . Preferably a female this time (for a change). Besides, someone above did say that male therapists are not so great with male clients (what I am). So maybe that person is right. I’m a small, meek looking 26/yo guy. And maybe he takes advantage of me because of that. Hell, he even called me a “kid” (“you’re a good kid…uh I mean a good man” – Yep, that’s what he actually said). Again, I don’t know his intentions. Is he degrading me or is he trying to be bantering?
    He indeed does play frustrating mind games. He asks me so many questions, like how a teacher would, about psychological subject matter. And if I get it wrong, he says “nah, you haven’t been listening to me”. He feels more like a tutor, than a therapist, who is supposed to calm you and relax you. Ironically, I come out of there dizzy, overwhelmed and even more depressed. :(
    I also live at home. And he’s like “god help th…”, but he didn’t continue it. He meant God help my parents and how they’re cocooning me, when they’re not. He assumed so much about me, and said things that are not true about my life. But he backs this all this up with jokes and smiles. So I don’t know how I should take him?

  • eab

    February 23rd, 2019 at 12:10 PM

    Didi: excellent. glad you asked for help. You are not supposed to leave a therapy session in worse shape than when you arrived. my therapist purposely played games with me to get me to react so that we could work with my reaction. for instance he would close his eyes and refuse to open them. he would sit and do paperwork while he was with me..ignoring me. it’s best to set boundaries with your therapist right away. for instance, when i left the abusive therapist, i found a female therapist and i told her about my boundaries on the first day. i told her i did not want to know anything about her personal life, no hugging, no insisting that i do something that is not right for me. (previous therapist told me to lie down…it felt wrong but i did it because i thought i had to do it). i also asked her avoid eating while talking to me (he did that too). you may have different boundaries. always remember that you are their employer. you need help that they can offer but you still have the autonomy to ask for what is right for YOU! if you don’t journal then you don’t need to do that. I found that talk therapy worked best for me. He wanted me to meditate and get to a different plane of existence to dig deep. i just needed to talk. the new therapist allowed me to just talk and ask questions. once in awhile she would ask me a question. if i wanted to answer it i did, if not i didn’t.
    Also, something for people to realize is that therapists are now “googling” their patients to find out whatever they can from their online presence. i think this is un-ethical but the jury is still out as to whether it is to be considered a violation of a patient’s privacy when it comes to building trust…you may want to ask your new therapist if she does that and if you do not like that, set that as a boundary too! good luck!

  • Didi

    February 24th, 2019 at 5:00 PM

    “He would close his eyes and refuse to open them. ” My god, this man seemed mentally ill or just plain creepy. And him doing his paperwork instead of counselling you, eating and prying into your personal life is just maddening. He is definitely far worse than mine. God help you. About my new therapist, I’ll ask her to not give me ‘homework’, don’t give me lectures like I’m some pupil of her and not quiz me/ask questions. My mind should be calm and tranquil during a therapy session, not bombarded with questions and pressure.
    Let him google me. I am anonymous by name, but he’ll definitely know who I am after reading what I wrote up there. :)

  • Chelsea

    March 1st, 2019 at 9:46 AM

    Hi, everyone,
    Just wondering what you all think about Dr. Phil. Just a discussion, not a rant. I like that in this day and age, there is an intelligent, educated, etc. professional giving advice and help to hundreds of troubled individuals/families. No one’s perfect, but I take issue with some things at times, very normal. Like when he advised a seriously depressed guest that if he wanted to be gainfully employed, he had to “pound the pavement” 60 hours each week. I thought, “Huh?” Why is 60 the magic number? I’m presently out of work, but I can tell you that it would be a cold day in hell before I could muster the energy and stamina to conduct a job search that time-consuming. Does he know how exhausting a job search is? When one is depressed? Same with yesterday’s guest, who was tired of his “helicopter mother” and experienced rage, depression and had a drug addiction. Though I DO NOT excuse the young man’s use of drugs, how could Dr. Phil bait him to just leave his mother? When you’re hurt or ill, it can be a gargantuan thing to leave the source of your pain. Again, this seems to reflect a lack of understanding and compassion for those with depression. It can be very debilitating.

  • Mark H.

    February 24th, 2019 at 6:25 PM

    Hey….if anyone knows a good therapist in Suffolk County, Long Island….preferably a woman. Thanks.

  • The GoodTherapy.org Team

    February 25th, 2019 at 10:19 AM

    Dear Mark,

    If you would like to consult with a mental health professional, you can start finding therapists in your area by entering your city or ZIP code into the search field on this page: https://www.goodtherapy.org/find-therapist.html.

    Once you enter your information, you’ll be directed to a list of therapists and counselors who meet your criteria. You may click to view our members’ full profiles and contact the therapists themselves for more information. If you need help finding a therapist, you are welcome to call us. We are in the office Monday through Friday from 8:00 a.m. to 4:00 p.m. Pacific Time, and our phone number is 888-563-2112.

    Kind regards,
    The GoodTherapy Team

  • Mark H.

    February 25th, 2019 at 11:39 AM

    Thank you so much!!

  • Braden B.

    February 27th, 2019 at 8:13 AM

    I want to make sure that I get the best possible therapist. It makes sense that I would want to find one that has the proper training! That way I can ensure that they will be able to help me.

  • M.A.K.

    March 4th, 2019 at 3:55 AM

    Hello,
    My terapist said that i am unimportant. She said “unimportant man” to me. What can i do about this issue?
    Thank you in advance.

  • Verna

    March 4th, 2019 at 1:41 PM

    Interesting article. I recently stopped seeing a therapist. It was $150/session, I don’t have insurance and I’m a single mother without child support. So it was reaaaally stretching my budget to go even every other week. For over 2 months of therapy, we did EMDR. Which I have had success with in previous therapy. But every session we concentrated on the same memory I had pulled up during hypnosis in my first session. And I don’t think hypnosis really worked on me, BTW. I had nothing else to say about this memory, couldn’t recall anything about it, yet we spent perhaps 6 sessions “discussing” it. I desperately needed to talk things out and I spent 50 minutes holding vibrating eggs in my hands and trying to recall some wisp of detail about this fleeting, brief memory of mine. After I called and told her I didn’t have enough money to continue, I realized she reminded me of another therapist I’d had about 15 years ago who would sit in total silence during my appointments (I didn’t know what to say or how to talk to a shrink). She would answer her phone during my appointments and have brief conversations with people. I think she hated me. Funny, both these women were breathlessly recommended to me.

  • Mark H.

    March 4th, 2019 at 11:37 AM

    I’d report them to the “authorities,” who or whatever they are.

  • Mark H.

    March 4th, 2019 at 9:01 PM

    So sorry to hear that, Verna. I can’t, for the life of me, understand why so many of these “professionals” are so insensitive.

  • Jay K.

    March 6th, 2019 at 12:43 PM

    How about when a counseling center may be when it closes without any notification to the clients and the counselors are the ones who text or email a client to let them know this! The only way I found out that an appointment was canceled and the place had closed was
    from my former counselor who texted than emailed me that the place was closing immediately! No kind of notice to clients at what would be their last appointment was even given! Not blaming the therapist just giving an example of how to spot a bad place for therapy!

  • Emilia

    March 10th, 2019 at 1:39 AM

    I believe that a good therapist can work wonders. However, I’m a bit wary myself due to the following experiences:
    1. The first time I was looking for help, really after a long time of doubt and thinking that ‘therapist’s are for real problems, not for people like me who are just not capable’, I finally managed to go to my university’s mental health service. The first emergency talk with a psychologist was ok, but I also felt like she treated me like a little child. The next day she sent me to her psychiatrist colleague and I had no idea why she would do that. Apparently he was supposed to examine me for depression; but I honestly was in a serious crisis where all this depression stuff felt irrelevant: chronically procrastinating on my papers and failing to hand them in. So I told him about my issues with chronic procrastination anyways and for the better part of the next 90 minutes he would give me “lifestyle advice” (Why don’t you live in a dorm / go to the gym / study in the library etc?). Never mind that some of these weren’t really my choice and I also started to question my own choices (for example trying hard to study in the library when I just feel distracted and can focus way better at home –> I only felt “normal” again when a friend confessed to me that for studying he has to lock himself inside his room). Also, he would call me “lazy” and not apt for studying (never mind my previous achievements) and that I shouldn’t be “paying this with my blood” and instead look for something else to do in life (just what if this was what I wanted!). Obviously this didn’t solve my problems, I felt a deep sting in my heart and I was done with therapy for good (for a while). That day I fell in the deepest black hole ever, I became depressed and hopeless and was about to end it once and for all. I never dared to seek help again regarding my study issues and also didn’t complete my studies (surprise, surprise). But I’ve been working on my problems on my own and I believe that I will do it. Someday, somehow.
    2. Another situation that really bothered me happened a few months ago when I was referred to a crisis therapist. I grew suspicious when I told her that I drink alcohol “maybe once a month on a party” (much less than 99% of my peers) and she started to mention treatments for alcoholism. I had only mentioned trying to solve some of my anxiety problems with alcohol more than a year earlier to her colleague, not to her. Also, when I mentioned that I believe that my past of being bullied in school had something to do with my people problems, she responded that “it’s unfortunate that that happened but not related to your problems.” That somehow my problems just magically manifested at that age and kind of my real personality started to come through. At that point I was mentally done with the session and refused to take the second appointment that she would have given me.
    3. An acquaintance, who kind of works as a writing therapist (although I’m not sure about her qualifications; and I was not in therapy with her) told me that it’s all my fault, the panic attack I was getting while talking to her was my fault and that I had to take responsibility for my life. So this was only a casual talk with a person who doesn’t know much about me, but I do feel that as someone working in this field she should know better than judging me.

    I’m not sure if they were really treating me in unhelpful ways or if it’s me over-interpreting helpful advice in negative ways. But I’m quite sure that nothing of this was helping me and just making matters worse. So these experiences have encouraged me to take things into my own hands and to mainly help myself with books etc, unless I find a therapist who is a really good fit. But I also want to mention that for some time I was in a therapy were I felt that the therapist was objective, didn’t want to impose anything on me (judge my life and choices) and just teach skills. I felt so much more comfortable that time.

  • Chelsea

    March 11th, 2019 at 9:33 AM

    Dear Emilia,
    Your recant of therapy experiences has some common themes that have led probably most of us to this site. The experience of feeling treated like a child. The negative feedback. Feedback that didn’t apply. The failure to gather appropriate information before being evaluated. One of my pet peeves is filling out gobs of forms, only to discover that the therapist never read them and/or is incompetent or unsuitable for you. Further, as has been mentioned, sometimes we find that our constructive feedback on sites such as “Rate My Therapist” gets removed. I also see this with employment sites. In general fairness, therapists cannot do everything, but many of the behaviors noted here are uncalled for. You are good to consult books on topics that speak to your issues. In fact, I would highly recommend this, as many authors are quite skilled in giving insight and practical advice. Oftentimes, we cannot access these writers otherwise, as they live far away from us (and probably have a full client load!). So the best we can do is search the Web for resources. Best wishes.

  • Mark H.

    March 11th, 2019 at 11:54 AM

    Well, lest we not forget my experience two years ago when a therapist jumped up out of his seat, yelling: “We’re done here folks. You’ll have to leave.” As I got up to leave, with my wife, as I had my hand on the door knob (in the process of leaving), this guy is still yelling and got in my face. My wife had to separate us. He got upset because I refused to answer his question with a “yes or no” response. I told him that I’m tired of him telling me how to answer his questions and interrupting me in the middle of my replies. I called him out for being rude. As we walked outside he yelled at my wife,”that guy has issues.” Seriously? This is a professional? Amazing.

  • dennis

    March 11th, 2019 at 4:53 PM

    been talking to a supposedly retired psychologist i found online..He calls me (supposedly)from California once a week.His name is (again supposedly)Mike..He has been an upsetter from the very beginning..He i attempst to change my lisfetyle as in eating habits,sleep hours,and even my told me at one point that i’m in bed with the devil(he’s a confessed christian,as i am as well)..Even though i’m Christian ,i ahve been disabled and unemployable all my life.I’m 64 years old currently..I’m dagnosewd as bipolar and borderline Schizophrenic..but the only sysmptom i see of Schizophrenia would be my inability to sleep well..i see the bipolar more than anything..anyway,I found that the best sleep and awake hours for me are sleeping from 9am to 5pm..the average man’s working hours..This was my routine for 9 years.Until this doctor came into my life.He insistes i change my hours to reflect a more normal pattern,so i ca am able to let maintenance come into my apartment when they need to come which isn’t often and to keep appointments when i have to make one anything,which is also very rare..He becomes the builly in the sense of trying to convince me that if i don’t change the aspects of my life that he says needs changing ,he begins to tell me how my lifestyle is nonsense and that i’m going to face hardships all my life..I was taking care of my mom for overa year after she fell and injured her knee.She acquired a UTI and her knee wasn’t haeling correctly so i sent her to the hospital in January of 2018..they sent her to a Nursing Home for recovery and the Nursing Home refused to let her come abck haome to me ,and called the state ,accusing me of of neglect..That’s the furthest from the truth and my MOthr agreed and told them so.She told them i in no way neglected her.The State of Texas told her she soesn’t know what she’s talkign about,that she doesn’t remember..but she does..well she did until recently.NOw she’s forgetting a whole lot of evrything..my therapist my mother wa smy only meams of financial support..My Therapist is trying to convince me to to things to support myself that don’t help at all ,in fact ,what he telle me to do efefcts my bipolar in horrible ways..he continues to tell me it’s my decision if i want to effected that way as thoiugh i can control my bipolar and control my depression ..I often wonder if he’s really
    a psychologist..If i get depressed and have a manic episode he gets angry and tells me he’s not goign to talk to me if i’m going to talk like that and that he’ll talk ot me when i’m over it ,,But that is when i need help the most..H e refues to talk to me if i carry on as though i’m upset or depressed…that doesn’t make sense to me ,being he’s a psychologist..he also has told me that only “he will tell me how it really is” and that doctors who charge a fee will,not tell em the truth ,but only tell me what i want to hear..That statement alone made me wonder about his empathy and honesty as well.. he doesn’t feel empathy at all in my opinion..regarding my posessions,i have a whole ,lot because my parents have bought me many mnay things through the years that they supported me..motly all kinds of audio and video equipments and hardware…hdtv’s ,turntables,tuners,computers,surround sound equipment..and i use all of it because i’m into music from the 40’s to current and 80’s and 90’s music videos as well..i also have roku and i watch tons of tv shows and movies…I said that to give you an idea of how i spend my time.i ‘m thankful that i have these things cause if one ting wears out i have another.I wish my Parents would ahve built on my bank accoung all those years though,cause if they had i’d have quite a cashflow by now,,I’m thankful for all i have cause sitting around just stariung out my window, would over a short amount of time,send me to the hospital..if i had no tv ,no entertainmnt i’d iwind up in the hospital from serious depression..That’s a fact..I said that to say this>>this so callded psychologist is trying to convince me to pay my bills by my selling all of my possessions..I asked him just how long he tinks that would last and what woi about the next time i have to pay bills of some kind..he says i’ll cross that road when i come to it..i explained to him that there’s no way i’m selling all my stuff as it’s all i ahve to pass the time and sitting in an empty apartment just looking out at my complex parking lot would be enough to put me in the hospirtal..i’d not be able handle the depression of not having my tings anymore..tings i’d had sfor years..most of it won’t bring enough to even live on and that it’s value serves only the purpose of kepeing me company and sane ona daily basis..He insists i sell it for as much as i can get for it and pay bills and use it to live on til it’s been depleted..that isn’t a sound plan to me..i do have bills that the apartemnt complex have recently charged me with..repair jobs that occured years ago that thyey just now discovered..a small hole in one closet caused by a dolly thata man was using to move my mom ‘s dresser ..and a few other bills that amount to over 100 dollars..I live ina senior community and i don’t believe they’re going to evict me over these damages.Legal Aid i’m sure would tell me the same thing..I’ll won’t be able to pay the complex anymore than 4 bucks a month but if i that’s all i can pay that’s a;ll oi can pay//this psychologist wants me to sell a wholoe bunch of my stuff that wolud amount to quite a bit of it ,as it’s value is only of worth to me,and won’t bring very much money unless i sell a whole lot of it in large volume…and i can’t afford that..once ot’s gone i’ll never be able to afford that kind of equipment again..ever..This psychologist also gets angry cause i won’t make meet people by going to places he recommends…like the library..I tried that before when living elsewhere..people don’t go into libraries to meet people ..they go there to read or find a book…i sit there..it’s boring..i leave..my therapist keeps suggesting things i’ve tried and before and found they don’t work..also he’s 75 years old and has no isea why i am 64 and don’t enjoy going to bingo or doing most tings people my age don’t enjoy..he urges me to think and act older,because i think so much younger than 64.I love spending my time watching 80’s and 90’s music videos(unlike others my age) and playing first person shooter games..video games..and i love horror and scifi movies not the Rifleman,Leave it to Beaver and The Big Valley, Bonanza and Merve Griffin..He doesn’t understand that i don’t watch the classic stuff even neara as often as i do the newer stuff..even some of the newer music is good imo..i need to find another therapist..i acn’t sell my stuff ,i can’t call the local gym and plead for a senior discount..he suggests that ue my age as an excuse and call palces and talk about how poor i am and plead to them to let me pay less because i’ma senior,,ie,further denegration of my character and self confidence..he claims i should not defent myself verbally regarding my sleep hours and that i should not leave a note on my door or expectpeople to observe my sleep hours and that i should always force myself to get up and not expect cooperation from anyone and that conversation always leads to how i should cghange my hours and my lifestyle completely..how i shouldn’t date anyone according to looks anymore and how at 64 i’m not going to find anyone physically appealing as i did 20 years ago and further ,and i need to understand and get used to that ASAP..that getting romantically attached to anyone based on looks (he says)isn’t going to happen anymore..that it’s vital athat i accept gray hair,wrinkles,flabby arms,etc(the granny clampett look) in women..while there are women in their 30’s still attracted to me(as i look younger)he makes stupid comments like “Ask that person if she’ll be ok with changing your daper in 20 years”.he discourages me form any relationship with any woman under 50..and more especailly 40’s or 30’s…he really makes choosing a woman that looks older and weathered a necessity as far as compatability goes. he says biolar is caysed by the chemicals in the foods we eat ,that it’s not a mental illness or otherwise..just reactions from the wrong foods or foods that don’t supply enough of the right vitamins..he’s an admitted health nut and gets angry with me because i won’t waste my money on health food..he doesn’t recommend medication at all..he not only wants me to sell all y stuff he wants me to save my money day by day and after many months he says i’ll have enough to put down on buying a car..this means my trips to the coffee shop at night will end completely..it’s the only place i go oither than the grocery store..i have acquaintances up there..not friends//waitresses..that’s it.he expects me to stay at home and never get out for months to save for a car and claims it’s not that difficult..like i said i wonder if he’s really a psychologist.

  • Mali

    March 13th, 2019 at 12:42 AM

    Hello Dennis,
    I have read your message carefully. I am a psychology enthusiast and i want to recommend two books to you. First one is “Ego, Hunger, Agression. ” written by Frederick Perls which is for people who have serious pathology as it is written in the book. Second one is “Excitement and Growth in Human Personality” written by Frederick Perls, Ralph Hefferline and Paul Goodman. There are great exercises in both and i think they will be useful in your life. Please buy these two books and read. Feel free to contact me and ask question or just talk. We can share ideas and chitchat.
    Best regards.

  • Marvin G.

    March 13th, 2019 at 8:24 AM

    Perls and Goodman developed Gestalt therapy. I saw more of these types than any other. I got no benefit as all they cared about was present moment awareness, which means whatever is happening when you are in the presence of the great therapist. No concern about anything outside the session. They totally ignored my life. You should also know that Perls was the resident guru at Esalen for years. Eventually they threw out after sexually imposed himself on the hippie chicks going to his seminars. I guess having sex with God is a big attraction. He had no integrity, so are his books worth reading?

  • Mali

    March 14th, 2019 at 1:16 AM

    Hello Marvin G.,
    I think you have prejudice about their books. The books Frederick Perls wrote are great, i read most of them and they are worth reading. Also the book “Gestalt Therapy” written by Perls, Hefferline and Goodman is very informative and useful. You must decide about the author’s integrity after reading their books. And i did not read anything about Perls’s being thrown out of Esalen.
    Best regards.

  • Anonymous

    March 12th, 2019 at 7:00 AM

    Is there a way to have treatment records sent when the place I went to has permantly closed with no warning to clients (my therapist texted me to cancel the appointment I had)? I tried to request them from a link the webpage gave but it didn’t work! The therapist emailed me and said she could take clients with her to a new place once she found one but it won’t be the same place that closed so I don’t know how a client is supposed to get records.

  • Marvin G.

    March 14th, 2019 at 10:44 AM

    I have spoken to any number of therapists who know the story on Perls. Regardless of that, My complaint is that I saw at least 5 Gestalt therapists who did not help me at all. They focused on the present only, never went into my family issues, and thus missed everything about my life. Spent a lot of money for nothing. I’m not prejudiced against Gestalt, I just think it’s oriented incorrectly. Also, where is the proof it works. CBT at least has a research basis. Gestalt therapists will say something like ” well, my clients get better”. That’s not proof, just anecdotal accounts which are not worth anything. Evidence based therapy is what is needed. Years ago, I was seeing a therapist who did modern psychotherapy. He told me that the insurance companies want him to prove his therapy works to give reimbursement to his clients. I said what’s wrong with that. He said, “Can’t prove it” Duh!!! He’s written books on therapy yet has no proof it works. Where does that leave the client.

  • Mark H.

    April 7th, 2019 at 7:59 PM

    Sounds like the “therapist profession” has way too many quacks.

  • Aspiring Mental Health Therapist

    May 31st, 2019 at 7:31 PM

    For several hours I have been reading of the therapy abuse many of you have experienced, and I am appalled by what I am reading. I am an aspiring graduate student for mental health counseling. I know that each of these areas in which you have been violated was addressed, in detail, in the counseling degree program. The therapists who chose to violate these boundaries and ethics was not a result of education but a choice of the therapist to degrade the profession. In practicing toward my degree, I spend many hours with clients, free of charge, to ensure that I receive the experience necessary to not fall into these pitfalls. As an aspiring therapist, I want to say that I am sorry for your mistreatment and the misrepresentation of the profession. However, I would like to take the time to thank all of you for the comments and stories you have shared. I have learned from each of them, which will help me to be a better therapist and avoid hurting my clients like you have been hurt. I will take these stories to heart and reflect on them regularly to help me as a therapist provide better quality care for clients and hopefully improve the profession. Although your experience was negative, I hope you will keep searching for the help you need, and in the future find that therapy has improved. Thank you for allowing me to learn from you, and I pledge to all of you who have shared in these posts that your voice has been heard and I will reflect on these posts to help me be a better therapist.
    Sincerely,
    Aspiring Mental Health Therapist

  • Mark

    June 1st, 2019 at 10:32 AM

    You sound like the person I’d like to have as my therapist. Are you on Long Island?

  • Aspiring Therapist

    June 24th, 2019 at 5:11 PM

    Sorry Mark I am in Texas.

  • Marvin G.

    June 3rd, 2019 at 6:35 AM

    To aspiring therapist, two comments
    1. The problem I found with 10 therapists is that none of them showed any interest in what went on in my family. I didn’t understand until I quit all therapies that that is a major issue. I saw Rogerians, Gestaltists, Reichians, Modern psychoanalysis, and other types. They all seemed interested only in what was happening in the moment in the session so they missed everything about my life. Therapists need to take an inventory of the client’s life at the beginning or they are just speculating about the problems.

    2. ONe writer said that everyone doing therapy should be required to undergo a mental health exam on re licensing. I doubt any would agree since most would not pass

  • Aspiring Therapist

    June 24th, 2019 at 5:10 PM

    Hi Marvin,
    1. As a therapist we need to see the whole person and that includes, for most people, family, history and all other aspects of a persons life. For me, knowing all about the person is extremely helpful in helping them. I cannot speak for other therapists but I feel I need to see the whole self to understand clients better.
    2. As therapist we are also suppose to go to (ongoing) counseling our self to evaluate who we are and ensure we are mentally capable. Therefore, it is a requirement and often needed to help us stay focused and on track with our responsiblities.

  • Christine

    June 1st, 2019 at 10:44 PM

    I am still tempted to file a complaint, although this happened over a year ago. It just wasn’t acceptable.

  • Marie

    November 13th, 2019 at 7:50 AM

    Me too.
    I feel there is still lots of pain and brokeness. I suppose that I had been traumatised in therapy.
    I was not traumatised before I went to therapy.
    The problem is that I do keep find very similar type of people. I cannot transcend it to the real help (which is the help for my primar wounds and the help of my secondary wound in therapy). I find people who can help me little bit with my primary wounds, but when it comes to going deeper, as well the wound of mistreatment in therapy, they mostly withdraw from me. I have learned to track their thoughts and methods: e.g. I start to recognize why they say or do this or that….it is not so much based on my needs, it is based on what they think and they press it on me. Then, I have such a hard time to get out…..I am so hooked on searching some help. I would wish I could stay just on my own (sadly, it is hard as I cannot help myself from trauma on my own).
    Filling a complaint. I would love to. I am just too scared that this would turn against me.
    If somebody would be in good conditions and do that, I would be happy. It is not appropriate to be mistreated in therapy. It is immoral. One is already wounded when coming in. These therapists get lots of money for their job. It is their job to figure out whether they are capable to help or let it go. The most important, don´t hurt.

  • Chelsea

    June 4th, 2019 at 9:08 AM

    People ask, Who watches the watchmen? My question is Who watches the mental health professionals? It seems like such an unregulated industry…

  • Metoo

    November 13th, 2019 at 3:17 PM

    Yes, I think psychopaths go into the field primarily. What has helped me, was getting away from toxic people and going No contact. Eating well, walking.

  • Mostafa

    August 2nd, 2019 at 12:27 PM

    What if the psychologist is running a scam and I cannot get evidence to start a legal case against her?

  • Peter

    August 7th, 2019 at 5:01 PM

    I have been seeing therapists, psychiatrists, and case managers for help with my mood disorder, ADD, and OCD since 1981 and the majority of them focus on working on only my “self” when external societal pressures are root causal factors. If your therapist, psychiatrist, or case-manager gives you career or financial advice, get a second and third opinion from someone with actual expertise in the area. You will avoid a lifetime of dead-end career choices and huge financial debts. These are the only things I would add to the list.

  • Tara

    August 25th, 2019 at 6:29 AM

    I’ve been seeing a psychologist for weekly sessions for about a month now. I am an artist but currently on benefit due to my mental health. He asked to see my art work and I took him photos of my sculptures. he was so impressed with my work and asked if he could borrow the photos for a short time to show his colleagues, which I had no problem with. He recently told me that he want’s to commission me to make him something and that he will pay me for it. He has put me in a very difficult position as he knows I’m on benefit. I feel so stressed and anxious about the whole thing it has left me with problems I didn’t have when I started therapy.

  • Randall

    August 28th, 2019 at 3:04 PM

    In a situation like this, it is important to raise the issue with the therapist. If the therapist is good, then they will recognize that they were at risk of violating their ethics by entering into a dual relationship. That being said, I can understand in the situation you describe why the therapist might not have realized what they were doing. One of the big ethical issues there is that the work would be by commission, so presumably it would be negotiated for and there would be an ongoing relationship. The ethics would be a whole lot more confusing if the therapist was purchasing something you had already produced and priced. That would depend a whole lot on whether it would affect the working relationship and whether there were ongoing warranties.

  • Mark

    August 27th, 2019 at 8:47 PM

    My psychologist dropped me like a hot potato when I turned 65 and medicare was my primary medical coverage. She also lied to me and told me that she contacted Medicare…she didn’t and I waited 2 months with her stringing me along. Anything like this happen to anyone else?

  • Tyson

    November 12th, 2019 at 6:24 AM

    It’s good to know that you should get a counselor that consults with other therapists to ensure that you’re getting the best care possible. My sister has been telling me about some anxiety that she’s been dealing with, and I think that this could help her. I’ll share this information with her so that she can look into her options for professionals who can help her with this.

  • Marie

    November 13th, 2019 at 8:00 AM

    My ababasis to find a therapist continue: I am currently in a stage of finding lots of people who want to work with me.
    I ask them and they replay.
    I feel overwhelmed. I have the first session. I don´t feel well about it, I need to take my decision whether I want a second one (paid). I am being told that I have to schedule a new appointement and it is being scheduled without my permission. I say nothing. I let it happen. Inside I feel broken. I tell to all these people that I had been mistreated in therapy and I am afraid that this will happen. I guess that these new helpers don´t hear me. Thus, I had agreed to a new appointment, but inside I feel terrified.
    Terrified that it will not help me or even wound me if I don¨t pay attention and don¨t monitore all the time what they are doing (e.g. when they try to shame me vs when they stay present to my true feelings and sensations, when things move in direction healing). I felt well after the first session that this is not good. The therapist might have no idea about trauma. I told her everything I needed to get help, she did not agree, but finally she did and she repeated what I said. I guess that the therapist should be the one to offer me the help actively from their knowledge and experience. I cannot persuade them what its the good trauma therapy (I have not experienced it yet, I study it on my own and I tell them what I want and need, what does not work for me).
    I feel well that the therapist did what I wanted after all and did not push me in some shaming, however how long will this go ?
    Shall I pay for this ? My body is so stressed. And I don¨t know how to extract myself. Because I guess I am so much hooked on the help.
    I have another therapist who got silent and suddently contacted me, they offer me a session (paid this time) next week.
    It made me feel little anxious. Nevertheless, I hope not to lose the nerves and decide well whether I want to pay another session and decide later who is the better fit for me right now.
    The worst thing that could happen would be that I have less money and I get no help.
    I hope that I had trained my mind not to allow the shaming and pressure come to deep and wound me.
    Wish me luck with it.

  • Dorothy M. Neddermeyer, Ph.D.

    January 11th, 2020 at 1:08 PM

    Laurie: My sincere empathy for your unfortunate experience. Transference and Counter-transference only occurs in Traditional Talk Therapy. For example:
    Psychotherapy.
    Counseling.
    Behavioral Therapy.
    Cognitive Behavioral Therapy.
    Dialectical Behavior Therapy (DBT).
    Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing Therapy (EMDR).
    Exposure Therapy.
    Interpersonal Therapy.
    Mentalization-based Therapy.
    Psychodynamic Psychotherapy.
    Transference in therapy may be unintentional. The person seeking help redirects feelings about a parent, sibling, or spouse onto the therapist. Counter-transference is when the therapist begins to project his/her unresolved conflicts/issues onto the client. Freud, in 1910, was the first to discuss this topic. Transference of the client’s conflicts onto the therapist is a normal part of traditional talk therapy. However, it’s the professional’s job to recognize transference and do what’s necessary to remain neutral.
    Although many traditional talk therapists believe it to be inevitable, counter-transference can be damaging if not appropriately addressed. With appropriate discussion, however, counter-transference can play a productive role in the therapeutic relationship.
    There are four manifestations of counter-transference:
    Subjective: the therapists own unresolved issues is the cause (can be harmful if not detected)
    Objective: the therapist’s reaction to the client’s maladaptive behaviors is the cause (can benefit the therapeutic process)
    Positive: the therapist is over-supportive, to befriend his/her client, disclosing too much (can damage the therapeutic relationship)
    Negative: the therapist acts out against uncomfortable feelings in a negative way, including being overly critical, and punishing or rejecting the client
    Counter-transference is especially common in novice therapists, so supervisors pay close attention and help them become more self-aware. The mental health community supports well-educated clinicians by urging them to seek peer review and supervisory guidance as needed. Rather than eliminating counter-transference altogether, the goal is to use those feelings productively.

  • Eli

    November 13th, 2019 at 11:53 AM

    I agree that a good therapist is open and voluntary in order to understand the patient’s concerns. One of my friends needs to find a good psychologist for him and his son. I’ll pass hi the list of red flags so he finds the right therapist.

  • Bigpond

    November 25th, 2019 at 11:27 PM

    Good post. Extremely useful information you discussed in this post. Everything is a very open and very clear explanation. I was looking for this certain info for a long time. Thanks for sharing.

  • Dorothy

    November 26th, 2019 at 9:02 PM

    Thank you for sharing your experience on this thread. My sincere empathy for your struggle to not only deal with the original trauma and also dealing with a process that hijacks your ability to recover or sidetracks you. The cause of people’s symptoms, distress, mental/ emotional and physical dysfunction is the result of mental/emotional, physical and/or sexual trauma experiences that weren’t addressed then and are now coming to the surface as mental/emotional and/or physical symptoms. Discovering and transforming/ transmuting the cause of all distress symptoms and labels is the most efficient and effective protocol to regain your life. When someone begins a holistic transformation/transmuting process, no matter how dire their predicament seems to be, I KNOW if she/he is WILLING to do the mental/ emotional discovery work; releasing and transforming beliefs, thoughts and feelings, anything can be transformed/transmuted. The word ‘incurable’ or ‘impossible’ only means that the particular condition, symptom or diagnosis cannot be ‘cured’ by ‘outer’ methods and that she/he needs to GO WITHIN to affect the recovery. The condition, symptom or diagnosis came from mental/emotional distress and will go back to nothing. When beliefs, thoughts, feelings, and behavior are accessed and addressed at the unconscious level, the ’cause’ of any and all symptoms and behavior become crystal clear–it is mental/emotional, physical, and spiritual trauma/distress manifesting in the behavior and symptoms you experience. A Transformation/Transmuting process is a clear, concise and direct method of transforming/transmuting the mental, emotional and physical symptoms that transcends traditional protocols while retaining a professional focus. Deep Healing avoids prescription and OTC drugs, body parts removed, artificial hypnotic inductions and psychic interventions. The process ties in directly with the experiences and needs of the person. The process is down-to-earth, to-the-point, practical, fearless and with 30+ years experience and centuries of holistic health care protocol success I know there is no doubt Deep Healing is effective. Get all your unnecessary emotional baggage transmuted at the unconscious level and instantly experience higher vibrations of love and peace. Discover how traumas and emotional wounds… even the tiniest negative experiences that you had forgotten about… are robbing you of your happy, fulfilling future that you’re meant to live. (You won’t believe how much power you’re giving away to these invisible forces.)Uncover the reason(s) the traditional coping with trauma is not only bad but they’re dangerous. (If you suffer from any kind of anxiety, depression, PTSD issues healing at the unconscious level is powerful and empowering. Afraid of your past? Discover ways to clear painful memories without reliving it or telling anyone about it. (This is the miracle road to peace of mind that your soul was longing for, for years.)Clearing your trauma and emotional wounds at the unconscious level is the first step to discovering the gifts you’re meant to have in this life. (It’s like one of those tiny levers that swing open giant doors.)Wellness is the state of being fully alive with a sense of attainment; responding appropriately instead of reacting to life and circumstances.Mental/Emotional health is a state of well-being in which every individual realizes his/her potential while navigating the stresses and vicissitudes of life, working productively and fruitfully, and is able to make a contribution to her/his community. Mental/Emotional and Physical Health and Wellness is the act of remaining calm and focused while working things out with respect and unconditional intent to find a solution. Ultimately your personal character; personal strength and courage will evolve. To attain wellness requires you to make healthy choices in nutrition, relationships, social contact, work, and leisure activities.Mind, Body and Spirit healing is possible without psychotropic drugs, artificial hypnotic inductions, rituals, life-long coping strategies, and psychic interventions. I have assisted many people to heal the cause of their symptoms and diagnosis from A to Z.

  • Tristan

    November 27th, 2019 at 11:01 AM

    It’s interesting that you talked about a therapist trying too hard to be your friend. I get what you mean, because a good therapist should be friendly, but also be a professional that is there to help you solve your issues no matter what. I have been under a lot of stress lately and I am thinking that it’s really important to try and get some therapy so I maintain good mental health.

  • Laurie

    November 27th, 2019 at 12:20 PM

    What I want to know is why therapist’s are not able to handle transference, and if not, counseling iq questionable. I was warned repeatedly that my therapist didn’t want to hurt me. I kept asking her what.
    That meant. Then after crossing boundaries cause of my panic attacks, she suddenly one day got very annoyed with me. She sent me home after many insults and I was hyperventilating driving home.i believe if transference is an issue with this many people, and can’t be handled appropriately, stop the process of therapy. You must handle the transference or stop being a therapist, period.

  • Bryson

    December 23rd, 2019 at 5:40 PM

    It’s interesting to read about how a therapist trying to be your friend is actually not good. They are there to help you and be honest with you as a professional. My son is having some behavioral issues so I hope that a good counselor can help him get better.

  • Renee

    January 2nd, 2020 at 11:00 AM

    I recently had a therapist who charged me incorrectly. I was using a Beneflex card and beneflex caught it and contacted me. They asked me to put in a charge dispute and have it straightened out or I would lose my beneflex card. I did as they told me to. My therapist lost her mind over this. She sent me message after message even texting me on a Sunday about how this was so upsetting to her. It took her months to straighten out her billing and then she sent me another bill adding on all the charges they charged her for her mistake. I was so traumatized by this behavior. In addition when I was seeing her she always had her laptop on her lap and her phone in her hand. She was late for sessions at least twice. It was the worst experience I ever had with a therapist and I have not been to one since this all happened.

  • Mark

    January 2nd, 2020 at 8:17 PM

    I know all of them aren’t like, this, but so many of them are all about the money. They have one of the cushiest professions on the planet, but boy-oh-boy….don’t mess with their coins. My therapist dropped me like a hot potato as soon as I went on Medicare. And she lied to me all the way….telling me, for two months, that she’s “checking” with Medicare. When I asked her for her contact so I can call for my self, she refused. After two months of no therapy and my asking her the status….for two months, she finally told me, “I don’t accept Medicare patients.” So, why the heck didn’t she tell me that two months earlier? I don’t trust any of them….I think you have to search high and low to find one who’s genuinely interested in YOU!!!

  • Endaoshea

    January 10th, 2020 at 2:23 AM

    This is a great post. I want to know more about Hypno Therapists. Thank you so much for sharing the information.

  • Anonymous

    January 12th, 2020 at 6:07 AM

    I am facing the problem of getting a social worker at a certain place that I called. They said they are understaffed and therefore, refer patients calling to other agencies around. I feel this is unacceptable as most places will place a want to be client on a waiting list to let them know if a therapist is now available. This place won’t do that and wants the client to call in a few months to see if they have an opening! How would that work as the client will most likely either be told there still is no opening available, hoping they stop calling! The places they recommended are not handicapped accessible, don’t take my insurance or are too far to go to! Is this a common practice not to put clients on a wait list because of understaffing?

  • Incognita

    January 19th, 2020 at 4:47 PM

    Anonymous January 12th, 2020 at 6:07 AM
    I can understand and feel your frustration I have been looking for a psychiatrist for over a year. The list my insurance I have called therapist after therapist. If one bothers to pick up the phone or returns, my call which isn’t often they say they aren’t seeing outpatients. One sent me a text right after I called – “I’m with a patient.” Alright that’s fine that was a week ago is he still with the patient?? He texted me so that means he had my number. He really couldn’t say call me at a certain time, I’m not seeing new patients or return my call. It’s so rude all the therapist I have called and no one returns calls. I have already failed a class due to depression. Tomorrow I’m calling my insurance company to complain. If these psychiatrists aren’t willing to see patients they should have their names removed. I called one clinic I stated I was out of medication I needed to find a psychiatrist. She responded I won’t be depressed if I took my medication I need to start taking my medication- are you kidding me?? I guess she missed the part where I said I was looking for a psychiatrist. Never mind I live in a major city with more than 5 teaching hospitals and at least 15 non-teaching hospitals. I can’t walk down the street without tripping over some sort of medical professionals. I was told well at least you are being proactive looking for a therapist – is looking a way to treat major depression? I’m going to pretend I don’t suffer from a mental illness. My primary wrote and refills prescriptions for a medication I said wasn’t working. I have a depression screen every time I have an appointment I tell them yes I’m still depressed. Sometimes they send in a pacifier that gives me a list of doctors that don’t accept my insurance and silly platitudes. I joined the depression program from my insurance I quit because every time I had my weekly phone the woman would ask me to promise I wouldn’t commit suicide in the same tone used to ask I toddler if they have to use the potty it was so condescending–I wasn’t in a depressive state at that period. I’m not doing this dance anymore so they can check they did their assessment and are providing quality care. Everyone wants to help until someone needs help. When the person doesn’t get the help, they need and does something drastic everyone stands around shaking their head saying how tragic the situation is – If only the sought help. I’m just needed to vent now I can get back to pretending I don’t have major depression. I’m just down right disgusted with the whole system of mental health.

  • Anonymous

    January 13th, 2020 at 10:26 PM

    As already mentioned above, there will be a lot of times when you will find yourself in a stressful situation. At the same time, you may also end up feeling anxious about filing a case, representing a client, or attending a trial hearing. All these regular activities of a lawyer can be stressful on your part, which is why it is best if you will continually seek professional help. Learn how to open up to a therapist so that you will start to get rid of stress and anxiety. Remember that there is no way that you can function better if you do not have good mental health. Instead of helping others in exercising their rights, you may be the ultimate cause for laches on their part, Aside from this, it can also affect all the cases you handle negatively. Do not be afraid to open up to a therapist because the privileged communication rule protects all messages and conversations made to him. Of course, A good therapist should be open and willing to understand your concerns. If your counselor doesn’t take your concerns seriously or is unwilling to accept feedback, then it’s probably in your best interest to consult with another therapist about it.

  • Anonymous

    January 14th, 2020 at 7:38 PM

    then it’s probably in your best interest to consult with another therapist about it.

  • Teresa

    January 17th, 2020 at 11:39 PM

    Really helpful information

  • Anonymous

    January 22nd, 2020 at 10:00 AM

    Thanks for sharing, this is a fantastic blog article.

  • Chelsea Moore

    January 25th, 2020 at 4:38 PM

    After trying and failing once again to find a quality therapist in my area, I surfed the Web for additional validation beyond this site. Found some and wanted to share.
    “I’m a social worker, and there are a lot us who unfortunately meet the above description (i.e., incompetent). On the other hand, it’s applicable to an equal number of psychologists as well (except for the part about what classes we take). In mental health, you will never have to look far to find incompetence. This has nothing to do with the initials after one’s name.
    On the other hand, you can do a great job no matter what your background.

  • Spencer

    February 12th, 2020 at 9:37 AM

    My cousin is going in for therapy soon because he has some serious anxiety about entering the workforce. I think it’s a good idea for him to get that help because he needs to get a career and take care of his family. I love that you talked about a good therapist wanting to work with your goals and support you.

  • Rachel

    February 17th, 2020 at 1:06 AM

    It was last year when my boyfriend and I decided to part ways. Ever since then, I’ve become depressed, hot-headed and out of focus; that’s why I’m considering to consult from an individual counseling service, maybe they’ll be able to help me with what I’m going through. I’m just glad that I’ve stumbled upon this article; I’ll make sure to avoid counselors that constantly blame my family, friends or even ex-partners that may have caused my despair.

  • Mo

    February 19th, 2020 at 8:59 AM

    Wow! So I am in a CACREP program and my student adviser fits 8 of these criteria and 6 of them are a most def- absolute fit! maybe she shouldn’t be a counselor, much less an adviser!! lol

  • Johan

    March 11th, 2020 at 11:58 PM

    I really appreciate your efforts put on this blog. This blog post will be very helpful for people. Thank you so much for sharing this kind of information.

  • Kb

    March 22nd, 2020 at 8:35 PM

    This is why I don’t want to go… both times. First my husband went and she told him she couldn’t believe he has put up with me… he cheated and lied and deceived not me… next one called me by a different name three times and he let her until I had enough and then as I sat there and cried and told her about why I was hurt mind you no yelling she asked me about my anger and all I did was tell her he knows exactly what to say when to say it how to say it and pushes and pushes until he gets me in a rage and I ask him to walk off and he keeps coming well she proceeds to tell me I need anger management nothing about him and he’s loving it and agreeing with everything even smiling and I just sat there I. Tears

  • Jeff

    July 4th, 2020 at 3:46 PM

    I recall many years ago whilst doing my MA in Counseling Theories the look of horror on the other trainees faces when I said: There are over 400 Therapy models and yea some may work but have you thought of it as an energy exchange?
    What do you mean they asked, well you are an energetic being giving off frequencies and people absorb those frequencies just like when you know there has been an argument and you can feel it or when you know there is something wrong with your child or partner without them speaking. I said this is what takes place in a therapy room and may be the reason why some clients feel better after seeing you or maybe they dont? Why because they may be absorbing the energy they need from you.

    As Nicola Tesla once said: “If you want to find the secrets of the universe, think in terms of energy, frequency and vibration.”

    Because we are made up of frequencies, research has shown that when we are missing a certain range of light frequencies, it can lead to “Seasonal Affective Disorder” SAD and is linked to reduced exposure to sunlight during the shorter days of the year.

    Sunlight stimulates the release of the brain’s happy chemicals and hormones. The theory is that light stimulates a part of the brain called the hypothalamus, which controls mood, appetite and sleep. In people with SAD, a lack of sunlight creates a problem with the release of certain brain chemicals which stops the hypothalamus working correctly.

    The lack of these light frequencies is shown to have an affect upon:

    Production of the hormone melatonin that helps you to sleep
    Production of serotonin with its nickname “the HAPPY hormone”
    Body’s circadian rhythm (which regulates several biological processes during a 24-hour period)

    Now, what is interesting is that the same thing happens with sound as with light because it’s all frequency.

    When we are missing certain tones and frequencies within our energetic system, then we don’t feel as healthy as we naturally should do.

    “Sound and light frequencies act like vitamins and minerals in the body, so the body needs a full spectrum of frequencies to stay fit and healthy”.

    So I said the future of healing is in sound, but not hocus pocus mumbo jumbo but true frequency work.

  • Al M

    September 13th, 2020 at 7:05 AM

    11. Counselor blames your family, friends, or partner.
    12. Counselor encourages you to blame your family, friends, or partner.
    I’ve never come across this, but I have come across the diametric extreme
    counselor pressures you into confronting family members, friends or partner and/or pressures you into telling them about the therapy.

    Saw this with one therapist that did any every grubby little thing in his power to undermine me and belittled me when I told him how impossible my family were as he vocally pressured me. He dimissively describing it as just “challenging” as it it was nothing and starting using loads of flowery language – towards the end of this so called “therapy” he started shouting at me and topped it off with describing the last 2 sessions as “real therapy” in a clear attempt to belittle me as if to say “You thought those first few sessions were therapy, Hrumph”.

    But even after moving onto a better therapist I still had terrible habit of thinking I had to tell family members about stuff like switching jobs, telling them about therapy etc. It’s implicitly in our culture where pop psychology over-rates talking to family, without considering toxic and/or narcissistic family members. Also telling friends or family members about therapy is oversold as cathartic and door opening, when often if those friends or family members aren’t involved in out therapy goals it really isn’t as useful as that, if at all.

    But he was a very experienced therapist and when he spotted this habit we discussed what the situation needed, rather than this “assertiveness” ideal. I recognised that I was putting myself under pressure for no reason. One job change I had when we started the therapy he asked me the list off pros and cons of telling my family, who had flown off the handle over job changes (within my industry no less) and hammered bullshit advice down my throat – none of my family work in my industry and I hire people now, so I know what I’m doing and how abysmally out of touch their advice is. This was my 4th job move and the score of flying off handle vs behaving like normal human beings was 3-0 in favour of flying off the handle.

    In the end he left me to make my own choice which was to keep them out of this. They’ve never asked about job moves and wouldn’t have the gumption to twig I’ve been keeping them on silent, thankfully. On another issue with a more amenable family member I was suggesting I wanted to tell her about my issues with dating and how I was addressing those in therapy. My therapist could see I wanted to, but reminded me I was under no pressure. I ended up doing it, but found it wasn’t as cathartic or opened any doors for me and I don’t think it really registered with her how messed up the family issues that I discussed were. Thing is over the next few months as I became disillusioned with how little opening up helped or even changed anything, I made peace with it. A lot of making peace with this was stuff I did for myself, but having a therapist that wasn’t a pressuring dick was a huge factor in achieving this.

    This was with a pretty top clinic in UK (linked to Priory and therapist was ex-Priory) and AFAIK assertiveness therapists in major clinics or at the top of their game take that approach, while most Joe Bloggs therapists see confronting and reopening toxic relationships as the be-all and end-all. There’s no surefire way to get a good therapist but usually a recommendation (in his case) or going to a big clinic reduces the chances of coming across an aggressive manipulator. The recommendation is a big thing, and getting one from a friend that has similar issues is huge. Spending money is no guarantee though – have heard of people spending triple what I spent on my good therapist and getting shouted at to stop being a victim after breaking down crying.

  • vakansiyalar

    September 25th, 2020 at 5:29 PM

    One job change I had when we started the therapy he asked me the list off pros and cons of telling my family, who had flown off the handle over job changes (within my industry no less) and hammered bullshit advice down my throat – none of my family work in my industry and I hire people now, so I know what I’m doing and how abysmally out of touch their advice is.

  • Kent

    October 3rd, 2020 at 5:14 AM

    Counselor cannot or does not clearly define how they can help you to solve whatever issue or concern has brought you to therapy.
    Therapist provides no explanation of how you will know when your therapy is complete.
    Counselor does not seek consultation with other therapists.
    40 yrs of different therapist and none of them did this unless ask? So all those professionals we’re bad ya Idk man? Some really helped me.

  • lg

    October 15th, 2020 at 4:35 AM

    Enjoyed every single word of your blog article. Thanks to share it!

  • Bryson

    October 20th, 2020 at 12:22 PM

    I completely agree that a therapist looking down on you should be a major red-flag during your visit. My spouse and I are trying to help her cousin get some counseling soon. They are having mental health problems that aren’t going away so we need to find a professional in the area that can help out.

  • LaurenGT

    October 20th, 2020 at 1:24 PM

    To consult with a mental health professional, you can use the search bar in the top right corner of the screen or return to our homepage and search by zip code or city, or for Telehealth by state if you’re in the US. If you’re looking for a counselor that practices a specific type of therapy, or who deals with specific concerns, you can make an advanced search by clicking here: http://www.goodtherapy.org/advanced-search.html

    Best of luck as you help your wife’s cousin connect with a professional!

  • GE

    December 1st, 2020 at 4:42 AM

    Spot on with this article, I really think this website needs more attention. I’ll probably be back to read more, thanks for the info.

  • Mason

    January 18th, 2021 at 10:17 AM

    I love that you touched on how a counselor can use terms that are confusing and leads to bad therapy. My brother is trying to get into therapy this summer for some mental health issues. I think it’s a good idea to work with a therapist that has a lot of great reviews and experience.

  • Anne

    January 21st, 2021 at 10:42 PM

    I so agree I had a therapist tell me not to stress which is exactly why I went & she also said we all get anxious I do over xmas time I felt WILD as I had GAD ALL THE TIME not just sometimes& she said she would get me off my meds thankfully she isnt able to
    I ditched her

  • Sergiu

    February 15th, 2021 at 6:42 AM

    Hi,
    I have reached an impasse point with my therapist. I have been going to see her almost 3 years now. And last year due to Covid crisis, we have take the session online. We live in the same city. When we decided to go into therapy we haven’t really discuss about the point when we restart seeing each other face to face. And the vaccination campaign has reached us. I asked her when we can see each other. face to face. She told me that she doesn’t want to vaccinate, which even that i don’t understand i have to accept. But more importantly that she can not see me face to face even after i vaccinate myself and (wait to) get the antibodies. So i was looking through your list, for the situation that your therapist doesn’t want to meet face to face with you. But i couldn’t find it. I believe that you can add it.
    I i can go with her decision, only to the point in time where i am vaccinated, and i feel that i can not go beyond that point.
    She does agree to see each other but only online. She also agrees to meet me in person (for a coffee) just to calm my anxiety, but not for therapy.
    Should i continue therapy with a therapist who refuse to see me face to face, even when there are no justifiable reason for that?
    I just feel that she doesn’t trust me. And i feel i am losing my trust in her.
    Please advise me.

  • eba

    February 15th, 2021 at 8:51 AM

    i recommend finding a new therapist as soon as you can. I don’t think insurance will cover phone sessions once Covid restrictions are gone anyway. I would NOT recommend a coffee date. It is highly unprofessional for a therapist to meet socially with patients and it sort of makes her into a liar. if she can meet you at coffee, why not in an office?
    Further, I wonder if it might be a good idea to re-evaluate whether you need a therapist anymore. Three years is getting to be a long time. Take it from someone who spent thousands for 12 years, it’s a good idea to ask yourself what you really need and if a therapist is really necessary. I found out the hard way that I was being used by him for the insurance money. He groomed me until I was hopelessly attached to him and needed him to make it through the week. I finally broke away when he started being cruel. I guess he was done with what he needed from me and moved on with his plush client list.

  • Colleen

    February 27th, 2021 at 8:14 AM

    My ex insisted therapy after I finally figured out he is a sociopath. Therapist FAILED to see ALL the obvious signs of what was really happening. He had her totally under his spell. DISGUSTING she earns a living and does not do her job.

  • IG

    March 5th, 2021 at 4:25 AM

    A bad therapist isn’t necessarily one who’s running around breaking all the rules of therapy, up to and including friending you on Facebook. Many therapist-client relationships can be, well, not quite right, and that’s largely down to the peculiarities of the situation: you’re asking for a professional service while also requiring a lot of intimacy, fundamental trust, a good set of boundaries, and a lot of other qualities. The therapist might encourage you to blame others or become overly defensive about criticism. These issues may not hurt your feelings, but they hinder progress in therapy. Thanks for your guide on this common issue

  • Jeetech

    March 13th, 2021 at 3:15 AM

    Really Great work, Thanks for share useful information. The posts on your blog are having informative and valuable content.

  • Mark

    March 14th, 2021 at 12:30 PM

    Can someone please recommend a psychologist who accepts Medicare? It’s terrible how so few (if any) accept Medicare. As soon as I turned 65 my psychologist dropped me like a hot potato. I could use a good marriage counselor. Any suggestions?

  • LaurenGT

    March 15th, 2021 at 9:27 AM

    Hi Mark,

    That sounds frustrating and disappointing. We’d love to help you find a therapist. Please feel free to return to our homepage, http://www.goodtherapy.org/ , and enter your postal/zip code into the search field to find therapists in your area. If you’re looking for a counselor that practices a specific type of therapy, or who deals with specific concerns, you can make an advanced search by clicking here: http://www.goodtherapy.org/advanced-search.html

    Once you enter this information, you’ll be directed to a list of therapists and counselors who meet your criteria. From this list, you can filter your results by factors like “Insurance>Medicare” as well as click to view our members’ full profiles and contact the therapists themselves for more information.

    Best of luck!

  • Mark

    March 15th, 2021 at 3:05 PM

    Thank you so much, Lauren!!!

  • Sophia

    March 29th, 2021 at 9:23 PM

    Thanks for the amazing information you provided through your blog. Now a days people need to take therapy but they also need to know the difference between good therapy and bad therapy.

  • Verna

    April 27th, 2021 at 11:27 AM

    I’d be interested to hear an opinion on this experience I just had. I have an online therapist and we only do blogs, messages, etc. He had a plethora of great reviews. I told him about a stressful situation I’m going through with my 10-year-old daughter. Part of it involved a potential sleepwalking incident in which she was picked up by the cops. The second was a very shaky report made by a potentially drunk driver who claimed to have dropped a child off at what he later realized was the wrong house. The police assumed it was her because of the first incident. The driver “identified” her 3 days later (the same day he reported it) by a photo of her wearing a mask. After explaining this situation, the therapist sent a message back saying he agreed with the police that she was lying about the first incident, and the second incident likely happened. Is it common or ethical for a therapist to make that call without meeting a child in person?
    Honestly, I’m beginning to think there are ZERO good therapists out there.

  • Gyale

    May 5th, 2021 at 6:13 AM

    This Blog Is Fully Informative. 50 Warning Signs of Questionable Therapy and Counselings Thank For sharing this Information.

  • Gyale

    May 5th, 2021 at 6:16 AM

    Thanks for sharing the kind of article, It really nice and big article, I can understand your efforts.

  • Sulieka

    June 8th, 2021 at 6:04 AM

    I am shocked by the amount of comments on this page. I recently sought a therapist for help with my chronic PTSD. She was very expensive — 3x the typical rate I have been used to — but she seemed exceptionally well-qualified in my particular area. She turned up late to the first session and ended it early, and in that time took three phone calls. From the very start she fixated on one tiny part of my story — the fact that my partner is eight years older than me — and although my relationship was fine and had nothing to do with my problem, she seemed obsessed with trying to convince me I must have an unhealthy dynamic with him, that he must be using me to act out his midlife crisis (I am almost 45), that there is a power dynamic between us, that I must be weak and helpless and he must not see me as a real person and so on. She seemed to think that the ‘goal’ of therapy was to convince me to leave him. Actually I was having nightmares about childhood abuse and struggling with a colleague at work! I kept telling her that my partner is wonderful and supportive but she acted like I must be in denial. I tried to explain that I was in an abusive marriage and so actually yes, I’m pretty well qualified to say what a healthy relationship is. She didn’t seem to hear anything that wasn’t about my partner and just kept bringing the conversation back to him, his past history, his ex-wife… it got to the point where I wondered if she knew him. She said one or two things that made me sound like she was looking us up online outside of sessions. I think she had some seriously unresolved issues about men. She sometimes would start complaining about my job and saying that anyone in my industry (finance) must have something seriously wrong with them. I cancelled therapy after six sessions, having spent over £1000 and not achieved anything at all. When I did, she sent me this frankly abusive email suggesting that I wasn’t willing to engage with my problems, wasn’t willing to change, and that pretty much she expected that I would eventually come crawling back to her. It was bizarre.

    I’m really strong and have seen dozens of therapists so it didn’t bother me. I didn’t feel particularly disempowered next to her but I imagine if I’d had attachment disorders, being stuck with a therapist like that would rot my brain. I can’t imagine the damage she could have done if I hadn’t been so strong in myself. The sad truth is I knew more about certain aspects of therapy than she did: she’d misquote from books I’d already read, say things I knew to be false. She was predatory and, well, I hesitate to say this about anyone, but… well put it this way, I’m used to working around some very intelligent people, yet she seemed pretty convinced that she was smarter than everyone, and couldn’t recognise intelligence or maturity in anyone else. She seemed to be the embodiment of exactly the kind of unhealthy power-mad person she imagined my partner must be. She seemed to be getting some kind of ego-boost at the thought of “rescuing” me from these evil men. Ironic when I sought help about abuse at the hands of another woman. I once thought she’d be happier in a career as a dominatrix…

  • 먹튀폴리스

    June 14th, 2021 at 12:29 AM

    You have a real talent for writing unique content. I like how you think and the way you express your views in this article. I am impressed by your writing style a lot. Thanks for making my experience more beautiful

  • Gary

    June 14th, 2021 at 4:31 PM

    My therapist used incomprehensible jargon. She told me I engaged in “pre-splitting” and “ideograghic thinking.” When I complained about her jargon she got angry with me. I wrote 47 pages about all the problems I had with her. Care to take a look? (I don’t reveal her identity).
    scribd.com/document/501980776/Two-Psychotherapy-Sessions-2020

  • Keith

    June 24th, 2021 at 3:16 PM

    I like how articles like this always start out most therapists (or insert other profession) are well intentioned,
    Let’s tell the truth there are A LOT of people in Mental Health Period who shouldn’t be there

  • Mark

    June 25th, 2021 at 2:27 PM

    I totally agree. They couldn’t care less about you. When I turned 65 my therapist dropped me like a hot potato. And she lied to me, telling me that she was contacting Medicare to see if she could “work something out.” What did I know? So, I waited for two weeks. I contacted her and asked her what the status of her contact was. She then told me it was my responsibility and gave me three recommendations of therapists who also didn’t take Medicare patients. It’s disgraceful how some are so uncaring.

  • AD

    August 18th, 2021 at 5:38 PM

    Good list. Here are the red flags with a therapist I saw yesterday. Our agreement was I would come in to the first session in person and the rest video conference.
    1. He failed to let me know the first session would be an assessment and only 20-30 minutes.
    2. He was 30 minutes late. Texted me 15 minutes before our session that he’d be 20 minutes late and then didn’t even bother apologizing or explaining why.
    3. We were in a conference room that was barely 6 ft long and he took off his mask without checking if that was okay with me.
    4. He was overtly contentious about me wearing my mask and wanted me to explain why I insisted on wearing a mask considering the distance we were sitting from each other.
    5. He asked me if I could briefly take off the mask so he could see my face. I did. He asked if I could smile for a second. I did. He then said people with psychosis would not have been able to smile on demand as if to reassure me he doesn’t believe I am psychotic.
    6. When he heard I was on SSDI his interest was extraordinarily peeked and was eager to find out how much money I was receiving a month. I said “why do you need to know that?” He, “for insurance purposes”. I, ” but I’m on MediCal and you already acknowledged and confirmed my copay is 00. Why would you need to know my income?” He, “it helps to know the economic status of patients.” I replied, “I struggle a little but it helps that I live in a rent controlled apartment, that’s enough. You don’t need to know my income. That’s a very inappropriate question to ask.”
    7. You have “abuse” written all over you face. Then he gives me a sheet called TRAUMA REPETTION and asked me to take a picture of it to read at home. I felt awful and couldn’t get over this experience. There is more but I won’t make it long. I texted him today that I am canceling our next appointment and that I found a better suited therapist for me. I think he knows he messed up because he asked me if he could bill my insurance. I don’t even know how to respond to that. I probably won’t.

  • AD

    August 18th, 2021 at 5:51 PM

    Very true Keith. A lot of them. Would be a great project to make a documentary on our experiences. I’ve studied the field and am informed of modalities, types of therapies as well best practices. I am also very intuitive by nature. Imagine what could happen to a client who is less informed or experienced because its their first experience.

  • Braden

    September 13th, 2021 at 6:23 AM

    I’ve been having a hard time with my mental state. It makes sense that I would want to get the proper counseling. I’ll be sure to work with a counselor to ensure that I do things right.

  • Kristofer

    September 21st, 2021 at 1:11 AM

    The other day my sister-in-law mentioned that she was thinking of registering for therapy as she has been experiencing some trauma. I do agree that therapy will be beneficial as it helps her to process through the experience. After reading your post, I will definitely advise her to consider their qualifications and experience before signing up.

  • Brain Exercises To Nourish Your Mind

    October 12th, 2021 at 3:29 AM

    […] “Try talking candidly about what’s bothering you. A good therapist should be open and willing to understand your concerns,” said Noah Rubinstein, LMFT, LMHC. […]

  • Sisipus

    November 7th, 2021 at 4:06 AM

    Well, as a student in psychology, going to therapy for a family problem, I noticed one thing, that I really dislike: clear marketing manipulation.
    So I am willing to accept a comment like ” that’s good you study so I can skip some explaination, by the way, many psy students come there so don’t warry (it’s not a problem being a ‘therapist’ in therapy?) Let’s speak about the setting (just learned that a month ago, otherwise I would have no Idea what setting is, but ok… XD)”, but less willing to accept a sentence like “I know many people in the field”, apart that is obvious, many students knows many students, everyone know everyone. Exposing personal information to give an apparence of power “I know many people/I know powerfull people”, is something I truly dislike, also for having come from a background with great institutional competitiveness, where people used all those sorts of tricks to escalate the hierarchy of power, and of course, I’m not a competitive person.
    But of course one question arises in me is, “should I give current therapist more than once chance, as a part of becoming a good one in future, or should I do exactly the opposite?”

  • Chelsea

    November 10th, 2021 at 5:40 PM

    Keith, agreed.

  • Vivian

    November 15th, 2021 at 7:07 AM

    Thank you for the list of red flags you posted when seeking a counselor. I particularly liked how you mentioned it is a good idea to seek the advice of other therapists. It seems like the best therapists would make a professional move such as this.

  • Mark

    November 15th, 2021 at 4:59 PM

    Don’t know why psychologists drop you like a hot potato as soon as you turn 65 and Medicare becomes your primary health insurer. And….then trying to find someone who accepts Medicare is impossible. Any suggestions?

  • Dorothy

    November 16th, 2021 at 3:53 PM

    Mark: My sincere empathy for your travail with your therapist who dropped you when you changed to Medicare. Many therapists are unwilling to take the reduced fee allowed by Medicare. Medicare fees are equivalent to 1960’s fees. There is a way to resolve it. The therapist would be required to become an approved provider for you and then you would have a slightly higher co-pay to pick up the difference between the Medicare allowed fee and your therapist’s fee. However, you might not be willing to accept that arrangement. We have free-market health care services versus universal health care services. I doubt you would expect your therapist to take a cut in his/her income because the government is unwilling to provide health care at the actual rate for services. The U.S. government prefers to subsidize pharmaceutical companies, billionaires, and multimillionaires. It isn’t your therapist who is jilting you, it is your government that refuses to provide adequate health care for retirees. I offered a $50 savings for my services during the flu drama. I hope the flu drama will be history in a few months. Warm regards, Dr. Dorothy

  • Mark

    November 20th, 2021 at 2:35 PM

    Thanks, Dorothy. This certainly isn’t very encouraging, but I do appreciate your explanation and reasons for this situation.

  • Anjali kashyap

    December 11th, 2021 at 1:26 AM

    impressive.Thanks for the sharing.

  • Rick

    December 15th, 2021 at 11:23 AM

    I would avoid a counselor that is judgemental. They need to listen and help. But judging makes everything worse.

  • JR

    January 7th, 2022 at 11:12 PM

    Reject a therapist who, on first telephone contact, gives a diagnosis when you already have a long-standing, expert-level diagnosis, insisting on HIS dignoasis. I can’t believe I didn’t tell him, “Thanks, but no thanks.”

    Also, currently, certain therapists – and this one is a “clinical psychologist,” are acutely aware of the high demand, and low availability of therapeutic services, so that it becomes a matter of audtioning for THEM. When you are feeling especially vulnerable, whether it’s a car repair, or a new therapist, it’s still your car. It’s still your “self.” Run like hell when anyone is clearly manipulating you – taking advantage of your situation – especially if you have insurance that pays quickly. I’d bet that this fellow, who should not have billed for the initial talk, filed the insurance claim before the phone tone had died off. I feel like such an idiot. And, when I asked him if HE thought he would work with me, he responded, “Yes. I think you’d be fun.” Guy’s in business for 30 years. I’m to be his “fun?” He wasn’t joking – he meant it. I am an idiot for not nipping this one right in the bud.

  • Mark

    January 8th, 2022 at 12:24 PM

    Dorothy….I just read your reply to me again. Although the Medicare fees that therapists receive are “1960’s fees,” the need doesn’t age over time. It’s disgraceful how I was just dropped and then lied to. She said that she was in touch with Medicare and would get back to me. I had to chase her down. Then, she told me that I needed to look for another therapist. The three she recommended didn’t accept Medicare either. So, she did nothing for me. Just venting….thanks again for your explanation, though.

  • Audrey

    February 1st, 2022 at 11:38 AM

    We’ve often heard of “the pretty girl.” The one who looks flawless all the time, the one who nails the “woke up like this” look. But here’s the thing, no one knows anything about the pretty girl – just that she’s pretty.

  • Brooks

    February 3rd, 2022 at 9:07 PM

    Thank you for another wonderful post. The place else may just anyone get that kind of info in such an ideal method of writing? I have a presentation next week, and I’m at the look for such information.

  • M. G.

    February 16th, 2022 at 2:02 AM

    I have been through PUBLIC MENTAL HEALTH agencies for many years now. It is sad to say that all of those agencies did EVERYTHING to keep me in therapy, yet have no progression. Seems that everyone wanted to be a friend, while not doing anything to assist me or show me steps to cope with an extreme abuse childhood, Bi-polar depression, anxiety, PTSD, and gender/lgbtq2+ issues. I DO NOT recommend any public mental health agency to ANYONE! Get your own REGULAR/PRIVATE Drs and therapists. We now know that some of the Bi-polar and PTSD actually is ADHD type 3. Public agencies “monitored” me for years, acting like they were my friends. When I read up on what therapy really is, I knew I was not in therapy, but a one-on-one friendship club. I noticed “monitoring too much” (chatting lightly) was not on the list, but some things come close. People need to stop funding these agencies and couunty agencies that push money to these quack agencies, that do not help anyone…. except themselves. We know that Private Drs take downscaled payments and medicaid, which is not hard to get on. And I know this for sure, as I am now doing MUCH MUCH better, with all the issues above… but look for yourself, if you have to.

  • Michael

    February 21st, 2022 at 10:44 PM

    Hello there! This post could not be written any better! Reading this post reminds me of my good old room mate! He always kept talking about this. I will forward this page to him. Fairly certain he will have a good read. Many thanks for sharing!|

  • Quinn

    February 24th, 2022 at 10:11 PM

    What’s Taking place i’m new to this, I stumbled upon this I’ve found It positively helpful and it has aided me out loads. I am hoping to contribute & aid different users like its helped me. Good job.|

  • Greyson

    March 7th, 2022 at 9:53 PM

    Hello I found your article very informative. I live in Saudi Arabia and would like to start sister locks. A friend of mine has started hers with braids. Is that a real method to start them with. Here I am unable to go to a sl professional to have them done. What would you recommend I do thanks.

  • Kale

    March 9th, 2022 at 2:02 AM

    I thank both of you for your words of encouragement. This blog has been a wonderful place for me to learn, and just watch others comment, and share were they are on there journey. I can not explain what the book of Enoch has done to my life, the questions it has answered, and more that I have. It is so good to see this blog growing, and everyone putting in there two cents.

  • BR

    March 31st, 2022 at 12:20 AM

    Great reading and extremely comprehensive post – pretty much covers everything…

  • Shane

    April 1st, 2022 at 2:56 AM

    Good web site you’ve got here.. It’s hard to find quality writing like yours nowadays. I seriously appreciate individuals like you! Take care!!

  • 1BroJames

    May 6th, 2022 at 1:33 PM

    Much of mental health today [2022] is pure Intellectualism, which avoids emotions like a plague. Problem is, the MIND is pure emotional energy, and it is also invisible to the brain. So, to deal with an emotional conflict [mental illness], one must deal with the MIND. The question then is how does one do this? And without a thorough and proper training in the Esoteric MIND and how it operates, one is quite lost. My best good wishes go out to all who suffer. May you find peace. 1 Brother James

  • Jonathan

    May 17th, 2022 at 8:42 PM

    Hi, Its a wounderful post.Thanks for your nice post. Do you know? The agency said “studies of other cancer types have shown no or inconsistent association with cannabis use, but these data are limited.”

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