Do you struggle to step away from your partner to spend time by yourself or with others? Do feelings of guilt follow you out the door?
Balancing time together and time apart in a relationship can be challenging. On one hand, you may very well love each other and enjoy each other’s company. You may treasure your time together, talking and experiencing the world as a couple. On the other hand, spending time alone or with different people is also important.
For many people in relationships, separateness and togetherness can feel like oil and water, like they don’t mix.
The good news is independence and connection don’t have to be in conflict. I know this may sound like wild relationship advice, but here’s a skill I help couples practice all the time: leave and come back.
That’s right.
Leave … and come back.
Leave …
Be your own person. Follow your own passions. Live your own dreams.
You’ve been wanting to knit a blanket for your sister’s baby? Watch 15 hours of YouTube videos and figure it out! Meet the yarn expert at your local crafts store and take them for coffee afterward.
Try not to think about your partner. Don’t feel guilty for the time spent away. These passions, dreams, and the sense of self you obtain when you embody your own life infuse energy into your relationship.
You’ve always wanted to brew your own beer? Buy an all-grain kit and do it! Introduce yourself to the owner of a local brewery or find a class and meet like-minded hobbyists.
Try not to think about your partner. Don’t feel guilty for the time spent away. These passions, dreams, and the sense of self you obtain when you embody your own life infuse energy into your relationship.
In fact, next time you’re on vacation with your partner, consider spending some time on your own, doing your own thing—visit a place you’re interested in visiting, eat something you’ve been aching to try, or witness something you weren’t sure you were looking for. These separate experiences within the shared experience can enrich the experience as a whole, bringing new eyes and ears and a smattering of “Oh, really? Wow!” to your conversations.
… and come back.
Share your heart. Bare your soul. Bring the insights and questions and “aha!” moments back to your partner.
That blanket you knit for your sister’s baby? Use that solo experience to teach your partner what it means to be patient, that to knit is to be precisely free. That first batch of beer you brewed? Use that solo experience to teach your partner what it means to be creative, that to brew is to be uniquely uniform. Give each other the gifts of putting a new spin on tradition.
This is what I mean when I tell people I work with in couples therapy to leave and come back: Go! Go into the world as a unique, whole person and be aware, be vulnerable. And come back! Come back to each other as a unique, whole person and be aware, be vulnerable. We leave to restore and affirm, and we come back to restore and affirm.
It’s important to be careful, of course—careful with distance, with time, with company, with intention, with meaning. How far away from your partner is too far? It takes sensitivity. How wonderful was it without you? It takes trust.
Ultimately, your relationship will be stronger for your individual passions and dreams, for the people you are when you’re apart. You’ll bring that energy back to the relationship, using it to deepen your connection and intimacy, which in turn gives you the courage and freedom to explore on your own once again.
© Copyright 2016 GoodTherapy.org. All rights reserved. Permission to publish granted by Emily Cook, PhD, LCMFT, GoodTherapy.org Topic Expert
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