One of the most frustrating aspects of being on the autism spectrum is the constant anxiety that accompanies it. What does it mean to be on the spectrum and feel anxiety?
If you are not on the spectrum, it might be very difficult for you to even imagine what it is like because your experience is so different. To you, anxiety may be a fleeting sensation most often related to feeling uncertain or fearful. Once a situation is clarified or resolved, the anxiety associated with it typically wanes. You may return to your “normal” state and go on with your day.
Individuals on the spectrum, however, do not have the opportunity to return to a non-anxious state because their daily life is rife with the potential to surprise or confuse them. They live in a constant state of alertness because anything nuanced—and therefore unfamiliar—has the potential to be filled with traps for the unwary. They have had plenty of experience with saying or doing the wrong thing and paying the social consequences, so they are constantly alert to new possibilities for doing it again.
Since piecing together social experiences to create a template for future encounters is a cognitive process rather than an intuitive one, it can only take a person so far. Most of what we glean from an interpersonal communication is nonverbal, with some estimates for this as high as 70%. When you consider that the nonverbal is essentially invisible to a person on the spectrum, it is no surprise that anxiety would follow.
For example, facial expressions, body language, tone of voice, figures of speech, the physical distance between two people, innuendo, the cadence and inflection of speech, as well as its volume all provide information to neurotypical individuals which is not perceptible to those on the spectrum. In fact, many neurotypical people don’t realize how much communication is carried outside the actual spoken words. That is one of the reasons the anxiety of autism is such a difficult concept for people to grasp.
How You Can Help
What can you do to reassure someone who is on the spectrum? Can you help resolve some of this anxiety?
If it is someone you don’t know well, you can do your best to speak in concrete terms and to stick to one topic at a time. When you do change the topic in a conversation, try not to do it abruptly. Remember that humor often relies on wordplay, and that this can be elusive to a person on the spectrum. Be mindful that a lack of eye contact can mean that the person is trying very hard to follow what you are saying, and that the intensity of looking in your eyes at the same time may make that more difficult. Remember that it is not a conscious choice not to be socially adept. Be kind to those who appear not to be comfortable in social situations.
Any information about the secret codes and unwritten laws pertaining to communication in social situations that you can explain clearly to a person on the spectrum is likely to be met with confusion at first, and perhaps even incredulity. However, if you can help someone make sense of it, you will be providing a valuable piece of intelligence that might otherwise remain outside that person’s ability first to perceive and then to understand.
If it is a close friend or family member, you can have conversations that frankly discuss some of the otherwise inscrutable aspects of verbal and nonverbal communication. For example, a person I worked with in therapy was astonished to learn that the way members of the team at work seemed to make fun of each other was actually their way of demonstrating mutual appreciation and inclusiveness. To this person, the behavior appeared to be relentless badgering and ridicule until we discussed the underlying social conventions that had been invisible to him. He then came to see that his coworkers were behaving that way toward him as well. What had previously been experienced as hurtful now came to be seen as the language of group membership in that particular environment. His anxiety decreased significantly once this began to make sense to him. He decided he was not particularly comfortable in making an attempt at returning the behaviors in kind, because he wasn’t certain he could strike the right note in order to do so effectively, but he did develop a way of recognizing and receiving kidding from others without taking offense to it.
Any information about the secret codes and unwritten laws pertaining to communication in social situations that you can explain clearly to a person on the spectrum is likely to be met with confusion at first, and perhaps even incredulity. However, if you can help someone make sense of it, you will be providing a valuable piece of intelligence that might otherwise remain outside that person’s ability first to perceive and then to understand.
The greatest gift you can provide is your awareness of how exhausting it is for a person on the spectrum to navigate the neurotypical world all day long. Respecting the need for private time to decompress after a long day of living in an alien culture and speaking a confusing language requires restful, quiet interludes for recalibration and peace of mind.
Anxiety is part of being on the spectrum. Your understanding of this can help relieve it. Remember, though, that it will never completely go away.
References:
- Ekman, P. (2007). Emotions revealed. New York, NY: St. Martin’s Griffin.
- Ekman, P., & Friesen, W. V. (2003). Unmasking the face. Cambridge, MA: Malor Books.
- Meherabian, A. (2007). Nonverbal communication. Piscataway, New Jersey: Aldine Transaction.
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