If your partner is controlling, rigid, perfectionistic, and preoccupied with work and orderliness, they may have OCPD, or obsessive compulsive personality disorder. While even many therapists are unfamiliar with this diagnosis, it’s the most common personality disorder found in the United States, at a rate of about 7.9% of the population (Sansone & Sansone, 2011).
But it’s also the most unrecognized (Koutoufa & Furnham, 2014).
Many people, even clinicians, confuse OCPD with OCD, obsessive compulsive disorder. While there is some overlap in symptoms, OCD is significantly different and is characterized by more specific problems such as repetitive hand-washing, locking and unlocking doors, the need to have everything clean and orderly, and intrusive thoughts.
People with OCPD, on the other hand, have issues that affect the entire personality. And this can have a more devastating impact on relationships.
One of the defining distinctions between OCD and OCPD is that people with OCPD tend to be good at delaying gratification—often too good.
One of the defining distinctions between OCD and OCPD is that people with OCPD tend to be good at delaying gratification—often too good. To understate the case, they’re not typically known for being fun-loving.
Many people have just traits of OCPD, not full-blown OCPD. That is, they may struggle in some of the ways that people with OCPD do but don’t meet all of the criteria for the diagnosis. In fact, compulsive traits are found on a continuum—from healthy and adaptive to unhealthy and maladaptive, from conscientious and productive to rigid and destructive.
Partners with a compulsive personality style can be loyal, hard-working, reliable, productive, meticulous, conscientious, and dependable.
Still, even people who have just some traits of OCPD can be difficult to live with. They may insist on having things their way because they’re convinced their way is the right way. They can be very critical and domineering. They may emphasize work over relationships. And they can get so caught up in rules and schedules that they lose the point of whatever they’re doing.
For instance, they may often forget the point of a vacation. They tend to keep working the whole time and are prone to getting upset when things don’t go exactly as planned.
The same can be said for how people with OCPD handle their relationships. Doing things right can become more important than being happy together. As someone who frequently writes about OCPD, much of the correspondence I receive comes from partners of people with OCPD asking desperately for advice about how to live with them.
You can’t always work out relationships with people who have full-blown OCPD. If they refuse to go to individual therapy or couples therapy, if they are unwilling to acknowledge that their life is out of balance, and if they don’t take responsibility for how they treat you, there may be little you can do but protect yourself.
Some relationships with OCPD partners can improve. Their compulsiveness can be enlisted in the service of the relationship.
But in this article, I want to focus on what partners of individuals with OCPD can do to improve the relationship.
In order to jump-start that process, you may need to consider that they don’t cause all the problems on their own. Conflict in relationships is most often an issue of fit and chemistry. And there are two sides to every story. As people with high levels of compulsiveness can become very adamant about being right, it can be hard not to get caught up in the same approach. This can lead to defending yourself rather than seeing what you might do differently to help the relationship get back on track.
Getting out of “right and wrong” thinking will probably take initiative on your part. And if you see that you have some role in the conflicts, you have more power to start the process of change.
Even if you don’t have a role in the problems, you may be the one who needs to instigate change. It’s not fair. But it just may be the reality of your situation.
Here are some things you can do if you want to stay in the relationship and try to make it work.
I will address these in three separate categories: how you see and treat your partner, how you communicate with your partner, and how you take care of yourself. Any one of these keys will probably not be enough in itself to initiate change. However, the three together can make a significant impact on the quality of your relationship.
While it may have become skewed, the original intention of their rules was likely to make things safe for people.
While some relationships with partners who have OCPD may not be viable, others can improve with psychotherapy and a different approach from you, their partner. This will take heroic initiative on your part, but it may be worth it.
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The preceding article was solely written by the author named above. Any views and opinions expressed are not necessarily shared by GoodTherapy.org.