Porn and Relationships: How Portability Complicates Things

In my first blog post last month I wrote about my work as a sex therapist, and how “talking about sex” can help us to heal memories and repair and strengthen relationships. Many of the responses I’ve received have been about addiction to sex (especially internet pornography) and the devastating effect it has on committed relationships, or on the ability to form intimate relationships.

Internet overuse can be compared to alcoholism, drug addiction, or compulsive gambling. Like alcoholics or those who abuse drugs, people who are addicted to the Internet use it to change their mood and feel better—a pathological attachment to a mood altering experience.

And, understand that I’m not only talking about men! Facebook, chat rooms, and sexting are becoming rampant among many women, who report that they become anxious when going more than a few hours without checking their email. When sex and romance enter the mix, Internet abuse becomes even more deadly. Experts call online porn and chat room/Facebook romance “the crack cocaine or methamphetamine of sexual addiction,” fueled by the Three A’s: Anonymity, Affordability and Accessibility.

Chad is one example. At 27, he’s bright, attractive, and rising rapidly in his legal firm. But he’s never had a girlfriend, and remains a virgin. The three A’s have become a deadly vortex that keep him isolated and lonely, afraid to actually date “real girls.” He’s found a site that provides affordable live video streaming via webcam. A live young woman reads his typed “commands” and sexually performs for him. She can’t see Chad, only he can see her. Accessibility—24 hours per day. Anonymity—complete.

In my practice I see many similarities between compulsive gamblers and cybersex addicts. Like a gambler at a casino, someone logging onto the net enters a world of lights, color, adrenaline, intrigue, and excitement, with risk often added to spice the brew. In addition, there are no clocks or windows in casinos or on the Internet, so any sense of time is blurred, if not lost. The cyber-sexual addict is interacting, engaged and involved, and what’s more compelling than sex—or the promise of sexual release—or (usually for women) “true love?”

Marlys has been married for many years. Her husband, an engineer, spends long hours, and most weekends, at the office. Through a classmate’s site Marlys got in touch with Todd, a man she had dated in high school who is recently divorced. She spends many hours instant messaging him, and their texting moved to sexting months ago. “Now,” she reports, “it doesn’t hurt anymore when my husband is unavailable; I won’t be with him much longer!” She is convinced that life would be better with Todd.

Jeremy is a fireman who spends long hours at the station, and sometimes long days in motels when he’s working forest fires. His wife only recently discovered that he “decompressed” at night by looking at online porn and texting women that he “found” online. She is heartbroken, primarily about the deception: “I feel like I’m a crazy person, having my reality denied and being blamed when I try to talk to Jeremy about what I sense is wrong in our marriage. I’m mostly concerned about being a flesh-and-blood woman who can’t compete with a fantasy!”

Ah, you might say, at least people can be physically separated from their computers so detox can begin. Don’t be too sure. The popular iPod music player provides free nude video downloads, representing the power of porn on the tiny screen. And recently the Yankee Group of Boston estimated that the “portable porn” market is burgeoning, as cell phone providers aim for rating systems so they can sell “adult” content to users over age 18.

When it comes to porn, bigger used to be better. To increase profits, it now appears that online porn will become smaller and portable.

© Copyright 2010 by Jill Denton, LMFT, CSAT, CCS. All Rights Reserved. Permission to publish granted to GoodTherapy.org.

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